Consumed by Love, Filled With Emptiness; Trauma and "LIMERENCE"

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Consumed by Love, Filled With Emptiness; Trauma and "LIMERENCE"

Рет қаралды 138,092

2 жыл бұрын

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***
A newly married woman finds herself in love (again) with an incredible "friend" who never loved her back: In this video I teach about "limerence" -- an all consuming love characterized by non-reciprocation, non-fulfillment, fantasy, and obsession with finding signs the beloved secretly loves you back. This common adult symptom of emotional neglect from childhood destroys marriages and robs you of joy. Is there a way to save the marriage AND the magical friendship?
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Пікірлер: 833

@NudePostingConspiracyTheories 2 жыл бұрын

“When you’re hanging on to the fantasy of a person, you’re rejecting the real person”. That’s dynamite, thank you

@berlinetta____2680 2 жыл бұрын

Bam!!

@SirDeeznuts 2 жыл бұрын

have to reject illusion and accept reality ,it does hurt

@karenabbott5974 Жыл бұрын

WOW! So true!

@nishantraina Жыл бұрын

I would say, also a much better thing to say than, "your feelings for that person are not real," or "you don't love them."

@UnacceptableTee Жыл бұрын

What If the person that is in limerence is reacting to the LO trying to portray a certain image. A sex goddess; sending very sexy pics and teasing but rejected him. Continues to flirt and send pics but didn’t want him. He didn’t feel he was rejecting the real person; because she wanted him and others to have this ideal of her in their mind and they did. It’s probably not who she really is but…. If she’s trying to ooze that ( histrionic) then how is that rejecting the real person to those that are in limerence and already high in the clouds?

@SparklesNJazz 2 жыл бұрын

this video… this concept of “limerence” describes my entire life. i’ve never known anything but limerence. all other romantic relations i’ve had have felt boring, fake, forced, and all of my memories of being in love were limerence, nothing more nothing less. it’s sad really. but i’m glad i’m realizing this now, in my mid 20s, and not later. i’ve had the sense it was something like this for a long time, but i’m glad i can finally put a name to it. i’m also glad that love ISN’T limerence. i’m starting to grow tired of that feeling. it’s exhausting. it screws up my routine. it’s dysregulating. it makes me feel sick. i’m excited to try to find real love that’s comfortable, since i haven’t experienced it yet.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found the channel! There is a lot to take in :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@pinkpanthersubliminals2753 2 жыл бұрын

This!!! 🥺 Same boat. Wishing you the very best on this journey 💞💞💞

@karenabbott5974 Жыл бұрын

Dear Fairy, I need help! I'm 73 and experiencing this! 😳😭😱🥵

@bobleglob162 Жыл бұрын

yeah, you can get good 'n' fvcked up on it for sure. To say it's a distraction is a tremendous understatement. It's an obsession, and you aren't allowed to think about anything but your obsession.

@RubysDude Жыл бұрын

Britt Lyn, I'm available..

@mushroommagic1697 2 жыл бұрын

"If someone loves you, they do not leave you in doubt." That... THAT IS THE BARE TRUTH. Oh my ... now I realized why I cling and run after people who are emotionaly and mentally unavailable. My parents were like this to me since I was little.

@lanlam2114 2 жыл бұрын

You are not alone, I was insulted and left alone whole my childhood, oh well I shouldnt call it childhood, but growing up mean releasing from hell

@BeSimple2024 2 ай бұрын

Lots of love to you both ❤❤❤

@AdelleRamcharan 2 жыл бұрын

I have felt this INSANE and intense obsession and attraction a few times before. It’s always mysterious, highly intelligent, aloof and unemotional men. I will hide myself away and avoid them like my life depends on it until that crazy feeling goes away. None of them ever knew lol. I knew that something very wrong was going on inside me. Thanks again for a great video!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

@xnellyxs1 2 жыл бұрын

I do the same, I hide like there is no tomorrow waiting it out 😅

@yvonne2965 2 жыл бұрын

Very smart of you !!!! .. I do the opposite but I guess it’s not too late to learn 😂

@desaturated-firefox 2 жыл бұрын

Yeah, that does seem to be the only thing that helps. Ban yourself from interacting with them, treat them as an obsession that grows if you indulge it. Unfortunately then I suffer still because it takes me a long time to get over this kind of feeling. But being in contact with the person makes it much worse.

@CinemaDoll137 2 жыл бұрын

Ha! That's the kind of men I flock to as well. They always know what to say and you can't see AT ALL that they're playing you and holding you on a string. I've only learned about limerence today and last week, that my attachment style is anxious. I tried distancing myself from him for 2 weeks and then cracked. Now, after I see your comment and watch these vids, I'm hiding away for real now. Unlike when he ghosted me, i initially told him I wanted a break for a bit. Now, I honestly want him to feel the way I feel. Even if he doesn't get worried when he doesn't hear from me like I do with him, I want to ghost him like he did to me then pop back up like nothing ever happened.

@user-lk1qx7gb5o 2 жыл бұрын

They call it "Intimacy anorexia" " in the 12 step programs. A person can "act in" or "act out" their fantasies. And detaching from one's fantasy is called "withdrawal" and can be as severe as withdrawal from narcotics or alcohol. Limerence or "Intimacy anorexia " withdrawal usually requires assistance given some can become suicidal during the period of detaching from their fantasy. The fantasy was their reality so it's a "real" break up to the sufferer. This was a part of psychology rarely understood or explored yet so many are afflicted with it. Thank you for being ahead of the curve.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate your insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

@eman4362 2 жыл бұрын

I suffered in a way that I never thought I would when he started to show his true color and left me behind. I couldn’t believe it. I resisted until we met with lawyer and started a nasty divorce. I’m 5 months in this and still miss the fantasy had pain, struggle to sleep and connect with people. the fantasy lives in my head like an addiction. I never had addictions so I know little about additions.

@bobleglob162 Жыл бұрын

@@eman4362 Yep. Right there with ya, E.

@lolaispure4296 Жыл бұрын

@@eman4362hope this finds you well and doing better than last comment

@agceh 5 ай бұрын

I agree with this one. I kicked a 20 year subtance abuse habbit, and especially the benzo withdrawal was hell. But now im sober and going to limerince and withdrawal from my LO its nearly as painfull as drug withdrawal.. its awfull.

@keepmoving1185 2 жыл бұрын

Limerence Limerick: There once was a past child ignored, who's adult love was bold. No denial or rejection too great, for the unhealed of late, to listen truly to what they were told.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

dark humor!

@keepmoving1185 2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy They say pain leads to great writing. This topic hits me right where it hurts. Hope it's not too dark for your lovely channel. I appreciate you and all you do.

@cheesemano4 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Anna I have had 3 "relationships" like this all were men who probably needed someone to prove that a woman would go above and beyond any commitment to the point of desperation almost so at the time I was obsessed with that man ( 1at a time) it wasn't nice feeling like I was almost just dripfed some attention and believe me they got what they needed! So years later having reflected on that 4 1/2 yrs of my life I've become very attuned to the men who want a woman who is devoted (desperate to please and accommodate them!) The first 2 were non intimate the 3rd played me off an ex! I struggle to trust any man and myself I have anxiety about relationships now and don't trust myself anymore.

@cheesemano4 2 жыл бұрын

Yup child made to be a caregiver to younger siblings and trophy in education

@theroseisenough 2 жыл бұрын

Best comment ever! I took a screenshot and will print it for whenever I need slap in the face and a laugh. I wish you could sign it! Thank you so much!

@MajinSayon 2 жыл бұрын

"It's a fever dream coming from hurt and loss", beautifully and poignantly said.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much for commenting! -Cara@TeamFairy

@user-lk1qx7gb5o 2 жыл бұрын

I like the term fever dream as well, describes it perfectly.

@Sweet_Hart 2 жыл бұрын

Totally got me too

@kimslone5185 2 жыл бұрын

One thing I can offer here is an elder perspective -- these limerence episodes don't last, they have a season and they do fade if you do nothing. They can inform art -- either painting or fantasy writing. That can be one outlet, once you make the decision not to actually believe the limerence attractor can be a great partner. Knowing it doesn't work that way can give you the distance to just have the feelings and wait them out.

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

That happened to me! Bursts of insight and creativity.

@tigress725 2 жыл бұрын

As a creative type of person myself, your comment resonated with me. I see me using alchemy to transform the energy of what is probably a “ trauma bond illusion” into healing through art. I hold my boundary by avoiding my co worker who I feel has same abandonment wound as me. I know I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men due to two narcissistic parents. Anyway, boundary skills are hard, but so worth it, as I am getting to know myself and why fantasy is one of my “go to” survival strategies ….. from an abusive upbringing. ♥️🌎♥️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Kim_Slone great points, thank you! -Cara@TeamFairy

@justaguitarplayer2059 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you !

@SparklesNJazz 2 жыл бұрын

they can inform art!! yes. i’ve learned that without realizing. whenever i fall into limerence i immediately write songs. all the songs i’m most proud of were written out of limerence. what a crazy ridiculous feeling, but it does have some purpose… ;)

@latteda4652 2 жыл бұрын

“Having a stable marriage” is so healing for someone with CPTSD. That’s what I’ve really longed for!

@VintageChica1810 2 жыл бұрын

Yeah, too bad for some of us that will never happen.

@caliblue2 2 жыл бұрын

To the girl who wrote the letter- I did the same thing. My marriage didn’t complete me and men including exes were more than willing to be my “friend”. That’s where u open the door for the “story” that your incompleteness within a marriage is somehow your spouses fault. And guess what. Every single one of those men don’t speak to me at all now. They used me because they felt “safe” as in I wouldn’t be able to have a real relationship because I was married but once I was single they found “reasons” to reject me. Yep. You are either married or you aren’t. Never live a lie because it’s devastating to your health and well being.

@RearviewWisdom Жыл бұрын

Wow never thought of that. They want you because they know you can’t demand more from them outside of casual encounters. So essentially it’s a counterfeit fulfillment of desire and being wanted because they don’t actually want you. They’re using your vulnerability as an opportunity . Wow ….

@ashtonoakstand21 2 жыл бұрын

I’m turning 29 this year. I realize that the majority of my love life has been made up of limerent episodes. None of my IRL relationships lasted longer than a year because they were boring. I’d spend months obsessing over inaccessible people, imagining convoluted ways I’d be able to make them notice me. I’d drag on long-distance relationships that were nothing but terrible for me. Wow. Glad I can realize this, but sucks that I’ve not experienced the real thing yet.

@ayaaly2866 Жыл бұрын

That's my life too just don't think I do actually want anything real it's weird

@lolaispure4296 Жыл бұрын

@@ayaaly2866lol😂 i am also confused uf i want it to be real but deep down i think i can learn

@caseyw.6550 2 жыл бұрын

And if the friend suddenly decides he wants to be with you now, RUN! Do not let that man ruin your life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

For sure.

@hyperfixated 2 жыл бұрын

🙌

@caseyw.6550 2 жыл бұрын

@@user-bj2lu9qt3o assuming everything that was written in the letter is true? Then no. It's the same advice I would give any friend telling me this story in person. What is the difference between it being written down or spoken?

@BOBO-ut3mn 2 жыл бұрын

I experienced something similar with a friend I have known for 22 years. She moved to where I live, and wanted to hang out. We were friends, but I was always attracted to her. We would go out have fun, we would both drink. She was the first one to initiate physical contact, we made out for a few minutes then she wanted to stop. We continued to meet up, I was good friends with her brother who also moved to where I live. One night she did something so horrible I stopped talking to her for nearly 2 years. I still talked to her brother. One night she called really late, I assumed her brother got a DUI. I answered the call, she had split her head open and was extremely drunk. I went against my instinct and went down to help her. I have all my kit from being a first responder, I patched her up was ready to leave. She asked me if she could stay at my house for a few day. My dumbass agreed, I had to work anyway. Long story short this was my introduction into narcissism and narcissistic abuse. We started having sex and what I thought was a relationship. It was all a lie. I am in therapy, but I still feel cut in half. I got tired of the abuse and kicked her out. She broke me everything came out, It completely changed me. I was able to keep all my childhood trauma bottled up nice and neat. After her It all came out along with the trauma and abuse from her. I have lost almost all my friends. I tried to explain what happened, but they don't understand why I changed. I should have trusted my instincts. Casey W you hit the nail on the head. Your comment is spot on.

@Leoo117 2 жыл бұрын

@@user-bj2lu9qt3o Ordinarily, I believe it is appropriate to let a person know the results of staying in or exiting a relationship, and then let them choose which road to go down. In this case, I believe it is appropriate, because she loves her husband and doesn't want to mess up her marriage, and being friends with a man that she has romantic feelings for greatly increases the chance of ruining her marriage. It's not an appropriate friendship to have while she is married. Also, having romantic feelings for a "friend" means that she isn't actually looking at him as a friend, because deep down, she is wanting something different than simply friendship. This makes the friendship with him fraudulent from her end. So in this case, it is definitely ok to tell her to end that relationship, because it is extremely unhealthy for her in every way, especially considering the healthy life she has now that she actually wants to maintain.

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

Yep. The trauma bond. The addictive trauma bond, quick intense connection. Chemistry and comparability. This is what I needed to hear today.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you got what you needed :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@caseyw.6550 2 жыл бұрын

I'm confused on what the trama bond would be in this case. A trauma bond is when a victim bonds with their abuser. I don't see how her friend or husband would be considered her abuser.

@yvonne2965 2 жыл бұрын

@@caseyw.6550 I think she is talking about unrequited love .. Like the one she had with her best friend that didn’t want to be with her as a boyfriend

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

@@caseyw.6550 they are 2 very similar things. Maybe even the same thing. It's the codependency, the place they take inside you for the love of that parent. Trauma bond is a term usually associated with abuse. Limerence doesnt quite have that same connotation, but same root. Just, like, yeah unrequited love or unhealthy love.

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

@@caseyw.6550 Dr. Ramani had a good video on that. Not to detract from our lovely Anna here. :)

@bettydavis9025 2 жыл бұрын

Recently, I've been wondering why I keep "falling" for emotionally unavailable men...I realized my mom was emotionally unavailable when I was little. Thank you for sharing how to end it, and the concept of Limerance.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Glad it was useful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@xGabbzx 2 жыл бұрын

77777777777777

@lanlam2114 2 жыл бұрын

My mom always pushed me away and show annoying when I tried to get close, for her thats normal, kid only need food nothing else, I grew up, end up attract to emotional unavailable men, and I have started to wonder why, I found myself so related to what she has shared

@bettydavis9025 2 жыл бұрын

@@lanlam2114 you are not alone, it is a blessing to be aware of this and work on healing. I am trying to learn to love myself and love others in a healthy way.

@ryanrudisill6398 2 жыл бұрын

@@xGabbzx 33

@ellesharie 2 жыл бұрын

I literally just journaled about me having these intense infatuated romantic feelings towards someone. I realized these feelings dated back to elementary school. I had no idea there was a word for it, limerence. This video feels like divine timing, thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

So glad you heard what you needed to :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@SparklesNJazz 2 жыл бұрын

same!!! i have countless journals about it. she describes it perfectly… so crazy

@loribatchelder9156 2 жыл бұрын

I can relate to your experience. I've been experiencing admiration from someone at work. Logically I know this person is toxic and unavailable. Interacting with them is like getting high but soon after I come down and feel shame. I have developed unhealthy coping with limerence since my first boy obsession in 1st grade. So grateful for Anna's videos!

@dariaglenter1658 2 жыл бұрын

Feel you. Been experiencing it since 11 years old ... 15 years later, finally found the word for the experience, "limerence". So many years of unhappy relations, feeling cut off from the world and lonely in a primal way. But, knowing the right term gives a profound hope for healing and a way forward into the light, cheesy as it sounds.

@morganesneary 2 жыл бұрын

Meeeee toooooo. Elementary school!!!! 😢

@teknophyle1 2 жыл бұрын

I've long considered this a "disney fantasy" and for decades I didn't think real healthy relationships were actually possible for me. still have my doubts but at least I have somewhere to start now.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Great insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

@yepwhatever1142 2 жыл бұрын

Disney movies are cancer for the female mind

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

@@yepwhatever1142 so are romance novels, including Christian Romance novels. Amish Romance novels.

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

@@yepwhatever1142 actually, I once saw a Facebook meme about why women were admitted to insane asylums in the 1800s, and one of them was reading excessive romance novels.

@mississippiatheistette8769 3 ай бұрын

omg, this is how i felt too. i thought that people who had "friends" were just all acting and it was a superficial facade that people did in ofrder to use one another. I recently found out that friends can exist and really care about each other,

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

It took me a while to really understand what "unavailable people" really meant. It could mean that they are, literally, unavailable, like they are already married. Or it could mean that they are emotionally unavailable, or aren't healthy, or right or compatible for you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

That's right.

@heidi1958 2 жыл бұрын

Limerence sounds very close to the Borderline Personality Disorder symptom of “Favorite Person.” I struggled with Limerence for years. I have learned to see the warning signs and have had to cut a few friendships out because of it. It’s painful, but honest.

@MaRiAm936 2 жыл бұрын

how did you deal with your emotions and your excessive thinking of LO? And what did you do to heal yourself?

@heidi1958 2 жыл бұрын

@@MaRiAm936 If you want to fight for your own sanity, dignity, and a future based on honesty, you have to set clear boundaries. The relationship was unhealthy and imbalanced. I severed all avenues of communication with the Limerenced person. Then I focused on taking care of my brain, body, and spirit. I paid attention to my neurotransmitters and my gut health. I did guided meditations because sitting in the quiet is asking for monsters. Lol It was a lot of hard work, but I had to do it because I was dying inside. I’m doing so much better now. I’m still healing, still in therapy, and always growing.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Heidi appreciate hearing your take :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@heidi1958 2 жыл бұрын

@Lotuseyed Tarot Thank you. I also should mention that it took TIME. It was months before I could even say the limerenced person’s name to anyone other than my therapist. It’s been two years now and I’m still healing.

@janeydoe1403 2 жыл бұрын

My growing up best friend's mom told me I was "in love with the idea of love". I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I always thought it was about making excuses and settling, i.e., nobody's perfect! (something my narc mom set me up for). It's limerency! I recently had lunch with a longtime friend and I said I feel dead inside. Like the pendulum has swung completely to the other side and I haven't yet found my equalibrium. I've been single for four years because I now know that all my failed relationships/marriages was because of me and I have to fix me before I can even think about companionship on any level. I'm not a destroyer, I realize now I wasn't showing up authentically. My last marriage was traditional (I was able to be a stay at home mom). You can't imagine what a proposition that is for someone neglected/abandoned by her parents to be presented with an opportunity to be there for her kids and taken care of by her husband. I had to pinch myself. I thought I had the cat's meow. The reality is, I completely lost myself and he almost destroyed me in the end. I didn't realize the control he had over me. Over everything. Luckily I got a grip on reality. I'm thankful you came up in my feed. You're answering questions about me I've had for forever. Thank you!

@dan2dos2zwei 2 жыл бұрын

So happy about Anna's willingness to be the tough love fairy. Often times, when we have a rough childhood, we find conflict and stress very difficult when the "shine" wears off of our long-term commitments. I know from several times in my life when I pined for people who were not in any way good for me. The folks on the outside of our committed life can seem so alluring, but Anna cuts through the illusion here. Like an impressionist painting, those folks that won't say "yes" to our romantic love can seem from a distance like the cure-all. Thank you, Anna, for the clarity and honesty.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for your comment! -Cara@TeamFairy

@KoreaMojo 2 жыл бұрын

Love begins where infatuation ends. Limerence is a stage in romantic relationships that like the hull of a seed should give way to the growth of actual roots. If it doesn't, you don't grow a deeper connection. If it does, you lose some novelty that is loud but you still have subtle novelty of life to share. Looking into the different types of love can help understand your expectations as well. Good catch on the deeper issues as always

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

thank you for your insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

I like Sternberg's Theory of Love.

@patrickbonham949 2 жыл бұрын

KoreaMojo.... very insightful words 🧐🤫🤯. Awesome!!

@datheamore6395 2 жыл бұрын

I agree 100% about cutting out limerent relationships... especially if you are married. I made the mistake of keeping a friendship like that for too long with an abusive narcissist who convinced me to try out an open relationship with my husband. My husband being the kind and trusting man that he is reluctantly agreed, and it nearly ended in our divorce. Not everyone we have feelings for has our best interests at heart. I live with a lot of regret about not seeing the dangers sooner. My husband and I luckily were able to work through this painful time in our relationship and the respect is stronger and full of a lot more respect and love now that I understand how my trauma manifested in the way it did. We are now celebrating our 13th anniversary and we have a beautiful little boy.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Congratulations! You survived a hard time and I'm so glad for you :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@wildmeadows8495 2 жыл бұрын

“When someone genuinely loves you, they don’t leave you in doubt about that. They want you to know that they love you and they’re there, and they want to create this environment you want to stay in.”

@NatalieZii Жыл бұрын

Such a great quote from Anna. So true.

@80islandia 2 жыл бұрын

100% agree that ending the friendship is the best move forward. As someone who has worked through several bouts of intense limerence, I can confirm that it feels so freeing to realize you have the power to put space between yourself and that which is not in your best emotional interest. Chasing the high of love can be like any other addiction, and it might be a good idea to plan ahead so that you can substitute one habit with another (for example, when you feel like texting this person, make a healthy snack, do half an hour of yoga instead, go for a walk, etc.). If it helps, two important questions I’ve asked myself when healing from love addiction are, “What am I running from?” and “How can I uncover what I see in this person inside of my own being?” To the letter writer and anyone who relates, please know you are not alone and it can get better. Once you are able to name the illusions for what they are, you will be better able to nourish your own light.

@marisagomez2129 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for the tips on what to do instead of reaching out.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@80islandia great advice and experience to share, thank you! -Cara@TeamFairy

@fizzybizzy3790 2 жыл бұрын

I literally can't put space between me and the person who I have limerence towards as he is my neighbour lol :(

@RottenDoctorGonzo 2 жыл бұрын

Lifelong limerence sufferer here. Boy is it tough. And yes, it can happen even when I'm in a relationship. No, I'm not proud of it. It's a painful thing to live with.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

We have help to get out of the rut courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

@pmberkeley 2 жыл бұрын

I know this wasn't the main point of the video, but you briefly explaining how weirded out you were by somebody doing limerance to you made me feel a lot better about my decisions to not start a relationship with a guy (who wasn't a bad guy) who was "into me" but trying to make it out to be a kind of predestination. He got married a while ago and I recently saw pictures of him with his wife, and it really struck me that I wasn't regretful of seeing him "taken", at all. I apparently wasn't that into him. I think most of his ideas about predestination were more romanticism than limerance, but the *response* to experiencing that aspect of limerance is what made me feel better about my own similar response. It is a little creepy and can weird a person out when somebody acts like the universe assigning them to each other.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Oh yes, I made a whole video about that: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jstpdZd9ycDHdH0.html

@lattemacchiato858 2 жыл бұрын

I think that many narcissist at the beginning of a relationship do that thing talking about destiny and being soulmates etc.

@pmberkeley 2 жыл бұрын

@@lattemacchiato858 perhaps. The guy this happened with wasn't a narcissist, though.

@XtineJohnes 2 жыл бұрын

Hi, "Friends" who want to just spend time with you knowing you feel this way about them are getting something out of it. You're giving energy to him that he really doesn't deserve - romantic energy that actually should be placed on your husband. There is something wrong with the Friend.

@OliverJazzz 2 жыл бұрын

Yes, it's not necessarily conscious, but still. I've been there, and seen people who actually feed their "friend's" limerence, it's pretty ugly tbh. When I've been on the other side, I never dreamed of doing something like that, it felt really uncomfortable.

@XtineJohnes 2 жыл бұрын

@@OliverJazzz Those people who do it are causing a lot of pain and they are sick.

@MostlyCloudy 2 жыл бұрын

Truth

@nellestims 2 ай бұрын

So true

@lindabb7064 2 жыл бұрын

"He makes me happy," Rachel wrote. Nobody makes us happy. Working on issues is the most interesting. This is how we learn and grow.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for commenting! -Cara@TeamFairy

@NostalgiaEdits111 2 жыл бұрын

no, some people makes us happy because of their presence.

@kresivarivkah612 2 жыл бұрын

We can feel happier and more at peace around particular people.

@IslandOfHanna 2 жыл бұрын

The comment at the end, about having a parent you longed for. Wow. What an aha moment! Thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Glad the video resonated :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Abby-yj9zh 2 жыл бұрын

Biological mapping.

@Iquey 2 жыл бұрын

Oh man.. limerance. You have to break up with your idea of the person, even if they've been nice to you, awesome even. But if they don't match up with your fantasy, you have to let it go or it will just keep hurting you again and again by reality not living up to the dream.. Face the feelings but don't let them puppet you or bind you up.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Break up with the "idea". exactly! -Cara@TeamFairy

@NielMalan 2 жыл бұрын

I needed to know this 25 years ago. Had such a half-relationship for years with someone I couldn't avoid seeing. It felt wonderful, but it got very irritating, because the relationship didn't go anywhere, yet I couldn't stop the feeling. It took years before I stopped dreaming about her at night. Keeping the feelings bottled up of course prevented any healthy relationship with any other person, and lead to depression.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

We all feel we learned this stuff too late but it's really not too late :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@iamPROTOTYPE 2 жыл бұрын

how did you get over it?

@NielMalan 2 жыл бұрын

@@iamPROTOTYPE Nothing specific: it faded with time and no contact. If it happened again (God forbid) I would not hesitate to seek therapy. I think ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) could help a lot.

@alexmonza2823 2 жыл бұрын

It took years you say to stop dreaming about her at night, that's insane. I gave up after three months, disclosed myself to the girl and asked her to avoid me at all costs lol how were you able to bear it for so long? I would've lost my mind

@NielMalan 2 жыл бұрын

Well done on disclosing yourself so soon! It's the best way to do it. Well, I did lose my mind: it probably lead to my first brush with depression. I did deliberately try to avoid her for long periods of time, but seeing her occasionally by accident actually made it harder. Luckily, by the time the dreams stopped my waking thoughts had let go of her for some time: the dreams were nice, but irritating when I woke up.

@laurahodgson6531 2 жыл бұрын

At 42 I'm just starting to understand what has been going on my whole life. Thank you x

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad the videos are helping! -Cara@TeamFairy

@bobbyscalchi4013 Жыл бұрын

Me too. Went through two breakups in two years after my ex wife. Am now in final phases of divorce. Im putting relationships down and solely focusing on me now and growing as of this moment which is something I have never fullu done. Im 42 as well. Healing my relationship with myself is far more important. Never thought i would say that.

@susandelongis885 2 жыл бұрын

So true and beautifully understanding. At 67 yrs. after a life of traumas and losses, finally totally broken physically, financially, emotionally. I'm glad I'm out of that kind of love world. For me now, I see it was always the terrorized, hysterical but ever silent child looking for rescue, etc. I was the most blessed person I know in every way and had some wonderful periods. But the pattern always came back and by now has destroyed everything. The worst is seeing how my beautiful children have been so injured. I had years of wonderful therapists, etc. but nothing has ever really helped, except The Lord, He helps me to persevere when I want to give up. I've helped so many people and have no more to give, I need to take care of this devastated child within so when it's time to leave this world, I can hopefully go in peace, What it's done to my children is so tragic to me, I have to give them to God or it will totally destroy me. My hope to all here for healing grace.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

There is a lot of healing available here, thank you for sharing with us. We didn't know what we didn't know. -Cara@TeamFairy

@cynthiajohnson9412 2 жыл бұрын

I have had some recent experiences with limerence. My most recent one was the most difficult because these fantasies and feelings just kept popping up whenever I felt lonely or isolated. So I started using this transference technique that worked really well and maybe others might find helpful. I took the worst characteristics (and some physical characteristics too) from the object of my affection and using them was reminded of someone I truly couldn't stand and had no attraction to at all. So any time I thought dreamily of the guy I had these undue feelings for, I'd just quickly replace that picture with the guy I couldn't stand. And it worked really well. Of course that doesn't help with my underlying issues that caused me to emotionally glom on to this guy, but it did cure me pretty well with my attachment to him.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your tips! -Cara@TeamFairy

@veravujovic4685 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Cynthia Johnson, you're so clever!

@amarisrania1585 2 жыл бұрын

Wow, great idea.

@cynthiajohnson9412 2 жыл бұрын

@@amarisrania1585 I use the my vice principle from Junior High. He ended up moving to the high school when I did. Couldn't stand the guy.

@stobie9063 2 жыл бұрын

I was dealing with a very bad bout of this mindset for a few years and had the same issues. I wish I had this advice then. Visuals tend to work really well with me. If it ever happens again, and it very likely will, I'll try to remember this in the early stages.

@melissad.6722 2 жыл бұрын

this describes almost every "romantic" relationship I've had including 20 year marriage to addicted abusive spouse always "hoping" . I think it is connected to being abandoned by my dad when he left mom sister and me in poverty for another woman and their child. all my relationships were with people I was obsessed with and they didn't reciprocate except when it was abuse manipulation and control, any attention better than none. I think my motivation was to win my dad's affection back by somehow winning over the jerks in my life to be all my dad wasn't. thereby healing that wound fulfilling that dream. I was also enmeshed with my mom who used me as emotional fulfillment bordering on romantic but not sexual to fill those needs she didn't get met from her parents or my dad.

@sparklesp9304 2 жыл бұрын

Check out Brad Shore on KZfaq. He talks a lot about emotional incest.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@M_D thanks for sharing! we do a lot of crazy stuff to try to amend the childhood we didn't get...there are great strategies to start fresh on this channel :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@yvonne2965 2 жыл бұрын

@@sparklesp9304 emotional incest is totally disturbing & I see it a lot

@yaelWolfebaz 2 жыл бұрын

I think I had this… after a divorce with a very abusive husband. I went back to school and fell in “love” with one of my professors. It lasted for about 6 years, intense pain for probably 3. . I lost a ton of weight. I think it lasted so long partly because he showed the tiniest bit of interest. It’s been 14 years since my divorce and I’ve only had a couple very short relationships. I don’t have any friends. Well, one but not very close. Wow when I write it down I’m seriously screwed up.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing, I'm sure it resonates with many -Cara@TeamFairy

@yvonne2965 2 жыл бұрын

You are not alone 💞..

@user-lk1qx7gb5o 2 жыл бұрын

You're not screwed up, you're in pain...

@fredquack7749 2 жыл бұрын

I struggle to make friends too. You aren't alone.

@adatbh 2 жыл бұрын

This is absolutely relatable

@sally-annllewellynartist9362 2 жыл бұрын

Omg..... I identify with this so much. I'm almost 51 now, messed up so badly. Now I just can't ever see me having a normal, good relationship. I can heal certain aspects (I have) but I just don't want another romantic relationship. It just doesn't interest me anymore.

@ramblingRJ 2 жыл бұрын

I feel the same way. Since my divorce, I don't think I can ever feel comfortable and trusting in a relationship again. Right now, I prefer to be alone.

@mrsmucha 2 жыл бұрын

Me too.

@ladybaabaa3294 2 жыл бұрын

I'm the same. I just see the cycle repeating. Friendship, crush, limerance / unstable love, deeper real love, companionship and still love, but boredom and emptiness because of no limerance, and then eventually unhappiness.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Ocean_Way_Art the healing process is all about open-mindedness. As we start to know ourselves, what we want and don't want becomes so much clearer :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Chahlie 2 жыл бұрын

Yup. I now have no desire whatsoever for any romantic relationship, whereas finding someone used to be at the top of my list. :)

@deniecezinnecker9630 2 жыл бұрын

Such sound advice! Life isn't Disney, and love is being there and showing up for the person to whom you made a commitment. Pour your energy into your spouse. I'm speaking as someone whose spouse had fantasies about other women. It was incredibly damaging to our marriage.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm sure it was very hard to deal with, thank you for sharing that perspective -Cara@TeamFairy

@SpecialK711 2 жыл бұрын

Whoa, this is deep, yet profound in simplicity. You unpack very well. The world would be an entirely different place if we could stop looking and longing for love and simply believe that we are already immeasurably loved by our Creator God.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@jazzy07891 2 жыл бұрын

Great point

@ramblingRJ 2 жыл бұрын

I made the mistake of idolizing my ex-wife. I loved being a husband and step father, and I liked doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. In hindsight, the whole relationship was full of red flags. After she "love bombed" me and rushed me into marriage, I began to worship her, but she started to get bored and angry. When she left, she said she was tired of being put on a pedestal.

@Simba______ 2 жыл бұрын

That's how privileged, white women behave. Why do you seem so surprised?

@treehugger7844 2 жыл бұрын

@@Simba______ That's sound somewhat racist as well as just a tad misogynistic, let's keep this channel nice, please. Anna and her team are doing us all a huge favor being here. Love and light my friend 😇

@blueskythinking8312 2 жыл бұрын

You deserve better

@ramblingRJ 2 жыл бұрын

@@blueskythinking8312 Thank you.

@KoreaMojo 2 жыл бұрын

@@treehugger7844 Prejudiced you mean? Racism is systemic in society and it's institutions, not really social like we are urged to to believe. It's structured in that fashion but prejudice is personal.

@marisagomez2129 2 жыл бұрын

I feel like I just stumbled across the psychology term for the Twin Flame phenomenon! Wow. This was soooo good and much needed to understand my thought process about a particular person. I just came back from a short trip to visit said person and due to my healing over the past few years, I came to a rational conclusion that pushing to be romantic with this person would be very unhealthy for me so I refocused my energy and time into what healthy love could be like 💜

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Yay! Victory!

@tyler6320 2 жыл бұрын

They're really not the same, though. Limerence is more of a one-sided infatuation with your ego at the helm, where you want them above all else; TF's have more of a mutuality -- there's something there between you two -- AND your ego takes a back seat in the sense that you just want them to be happy, even if it's not with you (though reaching this mentality can take work). Limerence is unrequited love hyper focused on union.

@RearviewWisdom Жыл бұрын

@@tyler6320 I think Anna highlighting the dangers of subscribing to Twin Flame ideology with unaddressed trauma was very relevant. I get that there is somewhat of a difference but there are a LOT of people in the twin flame community that aren’t mentally or emotionally well but they have found something to justify the lie and keep the fantasy going. It’s a deep deception and mental confusion at its finest. I do have mutuality with my limerent partner, we did share a genuine connection and moment in time. BUT I could not give “hope” to the fantasy of us being together by believing we were souls meant to be one. That was dangerous. I couldn’t be happy in my marriage believing this. I had to accept that what we had was a moment in time and that’s it. I’m focusing on appreciating what I had and the memories I still have as opposed to trying to recreate them or keep them alive in real life .

@keepmoving1185 2 жыл бұрын

Your timing is sometimes eerie. Thank you for all you do.

@ct3975 2 жыл бұрын

Agreed. Needed to hear this today.

@jennytaylor3324 2 жыл бұрын

Yes, I've noticed!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Keep_Moving thanks for supporting Anna's work :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@andrealmoseley6575 2 жыл бұрын

Godsend

@megbartlett5640 2 жыл бұрын

"A fever dream that comes from pain deprivation and loss" -such a succinct clarification of something that has eluded the masses, me included (on both sides). Wow wow wow. I never knew this word- limerance. I love how you bring new concepts to the forefront of my understanding again and again. You are such a good person and teacher. You make me and my life better. Thank you, bless you💕

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Meg_Bartlett thanks so much for telling us what you liked :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@playsavedthechild.2848 2 жыл бұрын

yes thank you for the teachings.

@clouddancer46 2 жыл бұрын

Had it for about 30 years. Started at 12. I don't see it ever changing. Let's be honest. Fantasy works it feels safe and relationships hurt. I will always believe marriage Sanctifies each other, for better or worse, but some people just won't be healed enough for that kind of relationship and that's ok. Heal anyways.

@KoreaMojo 2 жыл бұрын

Feeling can hurt, living can hurt, relationships don't hurt dysfunction and misalignment hurts. Thinking like that about relationships is black and white. You have a relationship to yourself and everything else in this life you interact with. You are right we need to heal regardless of the situation. However, relationships are any given thing at any given time and lacking them is a true detriment in life. It's one of our higher needs, no shame in that.

@lilafeldman8630 2 жыл бұрын

I'm in the same boat. But it's too hard for me to break out of.

@GobboBex 2 жыл бұрын

@@lilafeldman8630 yes but you will regret that you didn't...its not worth the heartache... if you think it's bad now...how much harder will it be later?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@April appreciate you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@healingandgrowth-infp4677 2 жыл бұрын

@@KoreaMojo yes but predators seek out me so relationship will always be like that n I’m worth so much more n so honestly rather live in fantasy

@Inseparable724365 2 жыл бұрын

Thank God the friend is a true friend and not taking advantage of the situation.. the advice to break it off !!! ... bravo

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Yup. Thanks.

@jenj.8999 2 жыл бұрын

Holy illuminated pertinence!! So many excellent comments in response to this excellent video! As an emotionally and physically neglected kid, I've struggled with that illness my entire life - that fever of LIMERENCE (platonic, romantic, maternal, you name it) and never truly understood or recognized it until about 15 yr ago with the advent of my own 'awakening' and healing journey. But it still comes along every so often and if I'm not careful I can and do catch a fever again. But I can also see growth and health over the years! Life is fascinating.... Thank you Fairy! You are so so good at what you do!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing with us! -Cara@TeamFairy

@towleyman 2 жыл бұрын

This is an eye opener, I was involved in a relationship like this with one of my bosses ( former now ) I tried so hard to win her over with basically working myself into the ground and always doing extra stuff for her. It was the most horrible thing I have ever been involved in besides my rough upbringing. She used me like I was nothing, it was very painful and still is sometimes

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry it's still hurting -Cara@TeamFairy

@ArizonaRed 2 жыл бұрын

Limerance feels more real and romantic whereas real love feels like I am not in love with my partner. Finding I have gotten it wrong with a random guy really confused me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing anymore or what to hope for. The soul mate thing is supposed to be a trial for growth. Scared of that. I am sad for her because that must be so weird. He makes her so happy but if he's not into her then what is he getting out of it. You felt awkward. Does he feel ego gratification? Better not to know probably. I actually ruined my marriage over a limerance. I really appreciate your good advice because once your marriage is gone, nothing real survived and you have to start over while living with guilt and shame. Not a good choice.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Brutal experience to have, the good news is that there is way out of all that guilt and shame. -Cara@TeamFairy

@yvettehorst1686 2 жыл бұрын

Shayla we sound so similar!! Can we talk?

@arbabe3389 8 ай бұрын

I don't know if your marriage vows included "forsaking all others" but that used to be pretty standard. That's what you need to do. Forsake the friend and cleave to your husband. Anna is exactly right here.

@kylecreed2748 2 жыл бұрын

I experienced limerence through my teens, which were the most traumatic of my life. Losing my relationship with my father and emotional abuse from my mother.. all this makes perfect sense. In pining away for this idealized person, the object of perfect love, intoxicated me like a drug while at the same time tormenting me. Not surprising I later turned to drugs and alcohol once I realized no one could truly “complete” me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Relate completely :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@sirdelrio Жыл бұрын

I've experienced multiple types of attraction and reciprocation, and I feel therapists are pathologizing a certain type of attraction and canonizing another. I've had teenage crushes reciprocated, some not. I've had what these people call true love (what I call 'learned love'), the growing appreciation of another person over time. And I've experienced limerence. I don't think it's a false dilemma between growing to love someone and limerence. You can be perfectly and truly in love with someone who does not reciprocate your feelings, as long as you know them, how they are, and are melted by how you feel with them and how they treat you. Unrequited love is not limerence. Limerence a compulsive fantasy with someone who you barely know. You can love someone who does not reciprocate. And you can be in limerence with someone who does reciprocate.

@euchiron 2 жыл бұрын

I aimed at this for so long, craving a fix to watching my childhood home fail in silence. I'm not really afraid to be on my own any longer. The alternative was a kind of waking nightmare.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Nice when we know that :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@dmerojas 2 жыл бұрын

The timing of this video is remarkable. I’ve engaged in this behavior with an unavailable person who is doubly committed because of his marriage and our professional relationship. I just got swept away and felt like there were moments that I lost control of my faculties. We had a good, professional visit yesterday and I am hopeful that I can continue to stay in my lane during future interactions. I really need this person in my corner because their help as monumentally improved my life in a short period of time. I’ll have to keep watching this video. This video was a tremendously helpful. Anna, you must be a mind reader.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

So glad you heard what you needed just in time :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@carriemorton7418 Жыл бұрын

Growing up my dad had cancer and other tragedies occurred. I had a similar situation happen to me and I couldn’t tell anyone. I had no one. I was always treated like an inconvenience

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Hard to grow up like that, so glad you're here -Cara@TeamFairy

@grace847 2 жыл бұрын

Oh goodness, I needed to hear this. I have experienced this since my first crush, didn't even know there was a word for it until today! Feeling crushed by the obsession over a guy I've allowed to crush me twice. Desperately trying to move on, but even cutting contact hasn't really helped.

@headzox 8 ай бұрын

I have been on a self reflective journey since I was diagnosed with AuDHD after years of being misdiagnosed with BPD. I have always thrived on love. I wanted love so badly and looked for it in all the wrong places. Jumping from one relationship to the next. I'm now realizing that most of my relationships were built on limerance and once that fades, i can see the persons true self. I am now 31 and in my final year of university as a mature student and unfortunately I have lost the last 3 months because of limerance. It started with a lecturer, that faded. Next was my science tutor and weirdly that faded once I saw his wedding ring and now my therapist. He is single and I know it can never happen and I am failing uni because of the maladaptive daydreaming. The sad thing is, he is a really good therapist and I have to end it because I can't do this to myself anymore. Thank you for your videos, truly 🙏🏻 Edit: my relationship has broken down too but the thing is, the relationship was toxic anyway so I cannot tell if it was because of this limerance or if the relationship is actually that bad? I don't trust my own judgement ever and it is exhausting.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. If you're interested, Daily Practice can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

@cheekyboy-ho9ub 2 жыл бұрын

This is the thing that has ruined my life over decades, from being very young. I could never quite seem to work it out of my system. I missed so much of my life, and real things, living in some kind of fantasy that was never fulfilled.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

It's so painful, but there's hope now :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@giaco.official 2 жыл бұрын

Wow. After all these years of self work I made it here, discovering that I have been ensalved by this in my past relationship since years. It makes so much sense , I always felt like I was on drugs with her, worshipped her in some way. When she was gone I always felt miserable and self destructive for weeks. Im so glad I been able to break up, slowly detaching from her. I often felt very alone and fantasized about us again, but It never felt right to me, more like an forcing urge, so I didn't react. Relieved to see so many people opening up here and adressing that topic!

@theesotericnashvillian1920 2 жыл бұрын

Oh I have experienced this in varying degrees. I had a new revelation recently. In short, that starting a heavy amount of communication with a love interest over text, or the internet, tends to create a breeding ground for this to happen and facilitate a fantasy level of thinking about a relationship that isn’t healthy or just toxic. if I had my eyes wide open or been able to have more context to the flowery words and promises, I would have seen the glaring red flags more clearly. For me I think talking on the phone and in person interaction will be a boundary between me and having real deep conversations with others and especially in dating to help really get a better idea of who someone is and how they are really feeling.

@ritajoshi5614 2 жыл бұрын

One thing l have always known is that one person cannot fulfil all your needs. You still need your own friends and interests and you still need to nurture these as well. Stay realistic imagination can go wild and in your imagination your ideal partner is perfect but no one is perfect. We all have faults.

@My_House_ 2 жыл бұрын

These days I call it clingy stress addiction and the outcome is known 😬 I learned , how difficult it sometimes is, not to get into this attraction. 🙂✌🏼 Thanks Anna

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

It can be very difficult, for sure! -Cara@TeamFairy

@PatriotResearchGal 2 жыл бұрын

Limerence....the same effing pattern my entire life. So much so, I am re-traumatized each time I feel attracted to a man. It’s to the point that the second I am attracted I immediately distrust the attraction and pretty much RUN and I mean RUN from him. I do not know if I will ever heal this. I get I have to go with the attraction, but it is literally walking into the house of mirrors where it is only a matter of time until this mess makes itself a mind trap from hell. Codependent enmeshment and emotional incest by being my mother’s parent and husband like roles all the way growing up. Father was emotionally checked out. Limerence is the repeat of the trauma. Period. Attempting to fix what happened in the past in the current moment. This sucks. Super sucks. My opinion: this component is the single most painful and wretchedly awful piece of C-PTSD. Other elements, I have learned to deal with and manage. The romantic piece.... I honestly do not know if this can or will ever heal.

@sabrinasjourney 2 жыл бұрын

Same

@MeMe-mt6xv 2 жыл бұрын

DoctorRamani does a great video on the dangers of the Twin Flame narrative especially with those who have had childhood trauma. Good video here. Thanks for sharing your story.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@IAmBuddythedecibwave 2 жыл бұрын

A lot of this resonates with me. My parents treated me emotionally like a burden. They parentified my sister, and I stuck to her like glue. She resented me for it. I went to such lengths to 'make' her love me. She kept saying she did. I stopped believing her when she kept making excuses not to see me when I was in the hospital after my 's' attempt. And yet, despite that, I still keep imagining how happy I would have been if we could have been real sisters. I still keep telling myself that people who treat me terribly aren't all that bad and I just need to be better to deserve their love. I keep telling myself they don't love me because I'm not good enough...

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Glad you are here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@neshayrobinson 2 жыл бұрын

I think COVID + quarantine/social distancing has magnified how some of us were having this issue. Wow, i got self loving to do, o boy!

@parajacks4 2 жыл бұрын

Yep. My narcissistic mother would withhold love to get her way and my dad was never strong and became weaker over time. This video has explained a lot of my dating life. I’m now 53 and half way through a divorce, so now I’m planning to be more mindful of “fantasy romance” as I start dating again.

@perfectlovenofear8060 2 жыл бұрын

This explains love bombing and trauma bond attachments that are inordinately strong. The set up from childhood to literally trap us in neglectful and abusive relationships.

@sangitaekka 2 жыл бұрын

I have been watching your videos from sometime now, and I can conclude that so far I have always been a limerant. Weirdly enough, I discovered the word a decade back, and now that I am 32 it is all making sense. I am avoidant, also asexual which I understood when I turned 30, and I see the pattern in my liking of people. I preferred them in my head, I liked it in my head, but didn't have enough patience to be actually around them even when there were mutual friends. I can say that I never really truly loved people then but I was so convinced that I did. This video feels like a closure, and I can close the limerant episode that I went through this year as well. I will just be upfront honest fron now on, no more castles in my head. Thank you so very much for making these videos!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@andrealmoseley6575 2 жыл бұрын

I know so many women that are in this situation. They have broken the limerance relationships off, but not had healing in marriage like you. So hard.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Nicely put -Cara@TeamFairy

@michellesheerin7547 2 жыл бұрын

±2348073317460⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,

@Froglet1968 2 жыл бұрын

This made me cry...I'm isolated enough as it...just to eat with others, someone who sends a message and asks how I'm doing...I feel deflated now...I don't really know what's real as so much of my life has been through a screen...I'm REALLY wanting to be somewhere where I can be around people to build up friendships, authentic ones...Thank you so much for your podcasts x

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

We have members building friendships in a super supportive way :) bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

@mauricepowers3804 2 жыл бұрын

Omg!!!! This is a game changer!!! I never heard ot explained like this and I have been working on my trauma for 35 yrs!!! I got sober in '86 and went into therapy. I've worked with 3 therapists over this 35 years ( Because I've moved) and not once did they talk about limerance. Thank you. Obviously I am ready to hear it🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

@LenkaSaratoga 2 жыл бұрын

May I ask? Did any of those three professionals during the course of therapy point out to you the limerence dynamic to you, without necessarily naming it with a word “limerence”. For example Dr Robert Firestone calls it “Fantasy Bond”.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Maurice_Powers I'm so glad it helped you out! -Cara@TeamFairy

@toxtethtruth3914 2 жыл бұрын

Had a limerence episode two years ago.it was one the worst times of my life,all tht self hate,insecurity,unrequited love,lonliness,shame,humiliation.very intense n powerfully bad experience.im just starting to get over it.

@jsmith7240 2 жыл бұрын

Each video I watch another penny drops. I agree with the reasoning that keeping in touch with the friend is like still keeping the old trauma energies going rather than focusing on the healthy new energies. Hearing you explain Anna what healthy love is is really helpful but feels terribly sad that I need to have that explained. All part of the healing I guess. But still something that produces some feelings of grief. If you have someone who looks and sounds healthy who is there for you but it just got a bit predicable and dull, keep walking the healthy road with them I would say, turn your back on the secret chaotic fantasy walk!! ❤️ Thanks Anna 🌸

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

It is all part of the healing and you're doing great! -Cara@TeamFairy

@lindaharrison3240 2 жыл бұрын

LIMERENCE?! YOU MEAN THERE'S A NAME FOR THIS MADNESS?!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Can you believe it?!?! -Cara@TeamFairy

@nik.kinetikentertainment2298 2 жыл бұрын

Compatibility: 9:51 ♥️ Looking for signs: 15:02 Genuine love: 15:40

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate you watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@cp2010 Ай бұрын

A childhood of abuse and lonelyness and a major case of limerence at the age of 18yrs. 40 years later, and I'm still trying to work it out, what happened and why. I have enjoyed and identified with people's stories and your (Fairy) interpretations and analysis of their stories. My emptiness of my experience lays very heavy with me even now. I truly thrived being in love with my person. It was the be all and end all. It made me feel alive but with hindsight all it really achieved was make me feel empty, unloved and unwanted. I moved on and have had a successful marriage of 23 yrs. A relationship that is real and one that I feel and live with daily. But more recently I have been harking back to my unrequited love experience and missing her and longing for her yet again. I am trying every day to rid myself of this as it has no purpose and no factual base. But I am finding this increasingly difficult. May the lord help me through this difficult time and allow me to truly heal from that situation that broke me heart as well as my spirt. 😢 Will I ever be able to remove this from my heart and soul - Tomorrow is a new day 😊❤❤❤❤

@isabelaaaa1255 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Anna , just wanted to thank you for a moment . This video brought me a lot of clarity and I actually had a conversation with the person who became the object of my Limerence and told them EVERYTHING. My feelings , how I literally can’t stop and it’s torture and it comes from my neglect , and I have to discontinue our friendship of like almost 4 years in order to heal. He understood and honestly didn’t even have that strong of a reaction. I bawled so much after and every day since but also I’m starting to heal and it honestly does feel like I’m dying , or that I did something dangerous??? But I also know that it was actually killing me and seeing myself in this video gave me vocabulary for something I didn’t know could be described. Our dynamic of our friendship has always been uneven in varying degrees and he is terrible at emotional support so those two things made me want to latch on to him every time he rejected me . and I just didn’t really think anything of it. thought I was psychotic. This was like 3 days ago. And I’m struggling but i am so proud and all of my friends are of me too . Thank you so much for this insight .

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Congratulations on taking that big difficult leap of freedom! You are so courageous to let the sunshine of truth into what was painful for you. I'm not surprised it's bumpy. It gets easier, and now real things can come into your life and allow you to blossom for who you really are. I wish you happiness and fulfillment!

@kimlec3592 2 жыл бұрын

Turn the fantasy of romance to the reality of true support & write. For a living. I don't mean money. I mean so you can get up out of bed & give living a go. Write to you. For you. To hear you. To heal your poor tired heart. Be there for you in words. This is the road to recovering your mind & heart. Write on paper, on a screen.. just write to yourself as if you matter. Because you do. No matter what is or has been said to you or about you. Write your truth. It is the key to recovery.

@tomjames7713 2 жыл бұрын

this must be true. i have had this aching for some magical love woman all my life. i would occasionally meet and kiss her in my dreams, then wake up even more enamored. now she says its because of my lacking childhood of neglect/abandonment. i just always thought i was a dreamingly romantic person with sentiments to spare. i now see how inordinate this type of projected affection was; it also always came with this believing that love was a very painful and almost sad type of thing. thanks for clearing this up for me miss anna, its like im walking out of a thick lifelong fog. i didnt get the love from childhood and ladylove's ship has done sailed off. but i am learning to give me the love and care i should and most important of all jesus loves and forgives and accepts me in all my broken pieces and that is the best love of all.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for throwing so much support at The Fairy :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@RoadRunnergarage8570 2 жыл бұрын

But marriage could make things worse... I'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship....

@lindseya8898 2 жыл бұрын

I think she is specifically talking about this situation, when someone is feeling this way.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Thomas_Barnard agreed! The takeaway is defiantly not to encourage a bad marriage :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@harmonys2102 2 жыл бұрын

Yes, I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship... but then I start looking again. In this particular case that she was discussing, it didn't actually sound like a bad marriage. It just sounded like real life, which can be hard to manage sometimes.

@hotcakesism 2 жыл бұрын

This is great stuff. I've got to say, it is hard to hear a lot of the time because I have been the asshole more often than not. But it's a valuable perspective because I really don't want to hurt someone I love, and I do not want my trauma to ruin another relationship.

@xwzzzzz4795 2 жыл бұрын

There is something else that is magic here, it’s Anna :) thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

SWEET -Cara@TeamFairy

@Sweet_Hart 2 жыл бұрын

“Im gonna bet $1,000 that you had a parent like that.” 🤯 totally got me.

@TheNinnyfee 2 жыл бұрын

After all the abuse many of your followers including me have suffered I find that limerence isn't just bad. Our brain is giving all the love we want to give and receive a safe place within ourselves. Unrealistic, but a pretty good survival mechanism. Limerence is also groomed into us by romcoms in which love is mostly dramatic, dysfunctional, and intense. They also serve to escape from trauma and dream of that "one day". It's not just ourselves that need to do work here, even though that's the most important and influenceable part. Our communities are setting sick standards. Men suffer some kind of limerence as well when they e.g. dream of slim sexy women they seen in movies of all kind instead of dating wonderful but not so perfect-looking women.

@jennanidanu1 2 жыл бұрын

Wow I have this kind of attachment, I just thought my picker was broken. I have been VERY unlucky with love in my life and yes I had a real crappy childhood too! I was raised by two narcissists but I survived and now am looking to become whole, for the first time in my life. I say "What doesn't kill me should run!"

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Good one :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@maceygrace9406 Жыл бұрын

Limerence is like a mirage. You’re so desperate (and thirsty) for the water of love that you imagine it… and you’re in a barren dessert where there is no water. 🫤

@charlamcdaniel7713 2 жыл бұрын

I've been on both sides of this coin. Most recently, I was the one who projected, for years. I have a lot of healing to do. Thankyou for sharing your knowledge, as its greatly healing. Thankyou 🙏

@cassiestevens8382 2 жыл бұрын

❤

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

@Charla_Mcdaniel great point, we can often be on both sides :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@GSXR750wx Жыл бұрын

53 years old and still stuck in limerence. Met my wife at 16, married her at 26 and she turned out to be dismissive avoidant. Showed her true colours right after marriage, that's my trauma. Met another dismissive avoidant and wasted 5 years on her. Now in love with another avoidant (fearful this time). She is not sure of anything, can't let me go, can't let me near either and I love her to bits. Lemerence, that's me all over!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

It sounds like you're in the right place! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@Ohhhwehere 2 жыл бұрын

thank you for all your work, iv healed ALLOT after finding you on youtube, the part where you talk about what a healthy relationship is and expectations has really gotten me thinking about what I actually want out of an relationship, thanks for helping me grow Ann, your the best

@periperi966 2 жыл бұрын

Discerning the right amount and type of tension in a relationship can be very tricky indeed. Thanks Anna, you have done it again. Love reading the comments, what a brilliant fan club. Go team!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank YOU too! -Cara@TeamFairy

@harmonys2102 2 жыл бұрын

Oh my gosh, this video found me at the right time. I also suffer from thinking love can heal me if I just find the person who can reciprocate. All I ever wanted in life is a partner. Just today I felt rejected by someone I thought could be that person, but they don't want me. The sting of rejection was so deep and profound that I was absolutely beside myself; I couldn't stand the thought of falling down this dark bottomless pit again. This time I decided to explore this feeling that I absolutely didn't want to feel instead of trying to ignore it and start searching again -- I did NOT want to do this but I decided I have to understand what this is if I want to have any chance at all of overcoming it. So I sat with the feeling and asked what is it and where did it come from? With some time, I realized the feeling is older than my memory and is the original rejection I felt from my mother. The yearning is for a fundamental emotional bond that never happened. Thank you for explaining this magical thinking that accompanies a deep longing. I am glad to better understand this word.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@laur5486 2 жыл бұрын

I never knew there was a word for this, but it’s definitely something that I struggle with.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Labels and words can help a lot sometimes -Cara@TeamFairy

@thecommonsensecapricorn 2 жыл бұрын

Yes. One of my male friends has strong limerence for me. I even sent him your videos, and told him they helped me and they may help him. I’ve been EXTREMELY direct with him that I only see him as a friend and always will just see him as that. He said he watched your video but he doesn’t believe that’s the case for him. Which is crazy because I’ve always known I have a problem, even if I get sucked into the limerence, i always come out and know I have an issue. But his limerence for me actually healed my limerence for someone else, because it exposed to me how ridiculous and irrational it is.

@KimHeb. 2 жыл бұрын

I think that's why she said The best thing to do is tell the truth and then cut off all communication it's a difficult thing it thing for people to heal from

@rturney6376 2 жыл бұрын

“He’s just not that into you” - aka “I’m not enough”

@utubestalker.dotcom 2 жыл бұрын

If I was married to her, I would love if she would talk to me about her experience with this guy, and her devotion to us. If she decided to separate with him and then came to me and sought what she felt with him, to make things better with us. I'd be more focused on her and us. Love is a precious thing, sometimes it's taken for granted, especially after time has gone by

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for chiming in the conversation! -Cara@TeamFairy

@NudePostingConspiracyTheories 2 жыл бұрын

“It’s not love. It’s a sort of ‘fever - dream’ “. That just so rings a bell. It’s like a fever - a sickness. I remember having a fever as a child. (Maybe it was during the measles or it was another sickness, not sure). I was maybe six years old. It was a kind of delirium. Altered consciousness,- but sick, definitely ill. And I’ve gone through that longing projected thing for a person I’ve idealised as my saviour who isn’t available fully to me. And it was like a fever - sickness. So perfect.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Glad you found it helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@nikkig4847 2 жыл бұрын

He's with me for my birthday. It is nice to put a name on the derailing obsession I experienced.

@afmuhammad9683 2 жыл бұрын

I’m full of shame I can’t help but blame myself ... I don’t know what to do

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 жыл бұрын

Try this free course bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy

@Gbutler777 2 жыл бұрын

You’re doing such important work, Anna. I went through an intense limerent relationship 20 years ago. It was hellish and I would’ve been so helped by ANY info but especially a video like this. Thanks for all you do. (And yes, you’re correct, 20 years later I thank GOD I didn’t get what I wanted)

@olyavmusic Жыл бұрын

this is a great video. its something I dealt with for a long time and I am now in a healthy relationship with a lovely human. I relate to the boredom but I feel like the healthy fix for that is just to be in it and make time to do fun things together when we can. I also have realized that if somebody triggers my limerence it is likely that they are a trigger in general which is not a good thing, so I now just do not associate. Definitely took time though and has not been an easy process.