When you accept breadcrumbs it's difficult to confront anyone. If you try they would call you needy, crazy or overreacting. So you stay quiet and good girl/boy. I learnt that I will talk about how I feel if they like or not. It took me time to be confident in myself to know I deserve to have a voice and deserve more. Thank you Anna x

When you grew up people pleasing on eggshells conditioned to accept crumbs of love you were raised by a conditional parent. Accepting crumbs became the norm, as well as feeling alienated, Ignored , berated or chastised. You were made to feel different & weird from birth and likely an absence of healthy role models. TY for modeling wht healthy love should be 🙏💗

For me, if any situation makes me feel bad about myself, it is time for me to walk away

If you want to find out if a potential mate is emotionally unavailable, just introduce them to me, if I feel even an ounce of attraction, cut your losses and run.

In today's overly shallow society, emotional crumbs are about all you'll get from the majority of people. I'd rather be alone so I can at least have a shred of self respect and dignity.

"Stop thinking they care and stop caring what they think! Remember we are our #1 support! We have to love ourselves enough to walk/run away from people who are want to use us. Don't have sex before 3 months - it gets rid of the dead-beats who don't want to get to know you as a person.

"They are in the role of approver not partner" Wow.

This is not a relationship. This is an occasional s3x partner situation. The dude doesn’t like Charles beyond using his body or dropping a meaningless few words of encouragement. Charles should date others, and forget this guy who’s not into him.

In my experience guys who want to keep you marked “occupied” and say things like “why is someone like you interested in me?” but then DO nothing - they have something else going on. They might just like the ego boost of someone loving them, if they unloved by the subject of *their* love. Love you, Anna!Thanks for your hard work!💞❤️💕🖤🐺

I am currently engaged to someone who gives me absolute Love and real communication. I have to say, it emotionally overwhelms me at times. I've never had that before, and part of me becomes afraid of losing it, or I feel undeserving of such happiness. In the beginning, it took time for me to allow my Self to have such a peaceful, honest relationship. Every day I wake up and feel so grateful to have my fiance in my life. I go to sleep feeling in awe over the fact I finally have the Love I've always yearned for. It's interesting that those of us who were starved of that since childhood, once we finally receive it, we almost can't believe it. I've never felt so appreciative to know someone like my partner, let alone to be Loved by them. Just keep working on your Self and healing those wounds and Loving your Self. The right person will show up when you're ready to receive them.

I keep meeting emotionally available, unavailable people (great connection but already in a relationship) and emotionally unavailable, available people (single but not open to a relationship). If I find an emotionally available, available person it will be like finding the holy grail.

Just when I think you’ve covered everything I could possibly relate to you go and release another video that perfectly explains another area of my life has been screwed up thanks to CPTSD. Since I’ve joined your community I’ve been making life changing realizations day after day. Thank you so much for all you do. I can’t wait to continue learning and growing.

My problem is always feeling rejected and like it’s my fault / I’m not good enough. Im in therapy but it’s hard. Was Just in a relationship where I found out he was cheating the whole time even though he seemedto do everything “right” on paper my intuition was off and when I brought stuff up he just lied. I felt used. I still don’t understand it. Maybe those kinds of people have trauma too… like anxious and avoidant attachment styles go together. Either way I’m trying hard not to blame myself and do better/learning to love myself / put myself first.

I think a lot of these letter writers gain a lot more clarity just by writing the letter. I imagine writing my own letter as I listen to others and even that is enough for me to see things more clearly and objectively. Thank you Ana, you are doing amazing work and helping so many of us to help ourselves 🙏💖🕊️

I'm going through this myself. It's like, something is better than nothing. If youve never been seen, and consequently don't recognize your significance, if someone takes notice, it must be a big deal ... right?? With no point of personal reference it's easy to drift along with no expectations.

The more i watch your videos, the more i realise how unequipped i am to deal with real life and real relationships. It's all so overwhelming. But i am already dating someone and while he is a good person, the relationship is not fulfilling. I don't know if this stems from my own CPTSD or if it's an actual flaw in the relationship. Some days are tougher than others and lately the days have only been getting tougher. I wish I could just pass away and not have to try so hard to act and think normally every moment of every day. Thank you for your videos. They help a lot of us.

I had a very similar experience with a woman. I was breadcrumbed and had Limerance to this emotionally unavailable woman who was in a 20 year relationship with a Narc. Red flags galore (both sides). I'm not around her anymore and I'm so much better off realizing I that need to heal!

Im currently pregnant and scared because the dad is emotionally unavailable and distant even more so with me being pregnant. Ive been so stressed this video is very validating for me.

“Walking on eggshells Holding onto handrails Life with you Ain’t so grand.” -me

Both myself and my partner have CPTSD. We had the talk on the day he let me know of his interest. We were friends for over a year beforehand. Despite this and our trying to heal using 12 step groups and individual therapy it has been very hard. Perhaps it is because we are both in our 50's and very used to being alone. We are also aligned in our values but very different in our habits. I am neurotypical and he is not with several learning disabilities that create a lot of misunderstandings. Being emotionally available is still a vague concept for me sometimes. I'm very responsible, emotional and easily triggered. He is stoic, unconcerned with what other people think and a dreamer. When we are doing well it's awesome. When we are not it's a hell of resentment and misunderstanding. I guess we are both red flags. I wish I knew how to heal in this relationship. We are both very loyal and forgiving of the other one. To me I think it's a decent mix of good and bad and at the end of it we keep progressing and healing and trying. I too would like to hear your thoughts on what two actively unhealed CPTSD people can do to assess a relationship together. We have been together 8 years.

“You may have developed a blind spot where your red flag detector should be”…that resonates with me… I loved my situation-ship but he wasn’t IN love with me. I’m very happy now that he “punished” me by deleting and blocking contact from him even though I wasn’t stalking him or reaching out to him in any way. I guess he blocked me because he wouldn’t be able read a reply IF I even sent him anything that could put any blame back on him. 🙄

Omgsh we've all done the "black beans in the Tupperware in the back of the fridge" thing hahahaha. And not metaphorically.

Man, I wish i saw this video years ago when I started seeing someone rather casually for like four years. I kinda faded away from him because it was hurting too much with his lack of enthusiasm, and never wanting to plan things with me (it's hard not to take that personally). Breadcrumbs all the way. It's been two years, and I'm still kind of not over him, but your videos have been helping me tremendously! Better late than never, eh? :) PS I like your glasses

Hi Anna, Would love to hear you talk about couples that both have CPSD from childhood drama. We have been married for 33 years and after a brief breakup, realized how our past childhood has affected our relationship. We are both beginning now to understand why we do the thing we do to guard ourselves or sabotage our relationship. Funnily enough at the beginning, I think this is why we were attracted to each other because we could understand where we both came from but did not understand the lasting effects.

I once was in a relationship where, over time, he became more and more reticent. From the beginning, any talk of a future together freaked him out. He couldn’t express why he was hesitant to get serious with me but didn’t want to break up either. I was under familial and communal pressure to get married, and I was in love with him. Finally I worked up the courage to do to it myself…he asked for break instead and I said no. For years I questioned my choice but as I healed, I look back and I’m so proud I took charge of my life. It led me to finding my husband, who never had me walking on eggshells.

VERY SERIOUS fears of abandonment are real. I just lost 3 yrs to this fear. Never again and you were the impetus to put that mirror in front of me. Thanks Ana. EVEN friends will breadcrumb and we'll take it. #blindspot

Gay men of a certain vintage, in general, are all traumatised and avoidant. Also, the "lying to survive" can make lying (by ommission or otherwise) an ingrained, justified habit. I understand not wanting to have "the talk." "The biggest challenge facing gay men is intimacy." I would specify "non-sexual, or not exclusively sexual, intimacy."

Thank you, Anna, for doing a video from a gay letter-writer who’s got semi-open relationship plans; I understand why you don’t usually do videos with that arrangement but it’s SO common in male gay couples it’s nice to not to have to translate it. I’m not sure I’ve got CPTSD but I know a ton of men I date do, probably more than half.

“Love that can’t breathe prevents you from finding love that can” Thank you. ❤️Needed to hear this… again🥰

I swear I will be a subscriber for life! Advice is so clear, deep and accurate

Sounds like all he wants is "Friends with benefits".

Thank you Anna! This is supportive and clarifying. I too was so used to accepting crumbs, making excuses and being afraid of asking for what I need and desire out of fear of conflict. It's sad but I understand now. After all the healing and discovering of who I really am, I feel more open and courageous in giving myself the chance to have better relationships by being authentic and trusting that who is for me will receive and appreciate me expressing.

I recently (6months ago) went no contact with a guy I met and didn't ever meet up with me after 3 months of us talking. He has lumingg red flags. That relationship led me to see how my dad was the same breadcrumbing person and also an abuser and an enabler. I totally relate to stories of emotional manipulators and unavailable people

After multiple relationships with unavailable people, I now avoid getting close to people that are insecurely attached. Attachment security is foundational to healthy relationships. For all the coaching on how to "make it work" with avoidant partners, it's not worth the effort for someone that already lost years of their lives in dysfunctional relationships. Attachment healing IS part of CPTSD healing, in my experience.

Sad. Thought I was developing and learning to live in a calm relationship. Instead it is a closeted emotionally unavalianle phycho breadcrumber who plays distance / persuer games. So sad because we put in so much effort to relect and develop ourselves.

Once you get to middle age it’s all crumbs .. just be happy single peeps ✌️

That story resonated with me. I dated my "boyfriend" for a year, we only saw each other once a week. Every time that I came back home after seeing him, I felt crushed and was spending days just waiting for another meeting with him. What really confused me back then is his ability to feel like it's a relationship, like it's going somewhere as we were sharing intimate stuff with each other. Then, purely by accident I found out that he was seeing other people and sleeping around, after I confronted him he said "well, it's not that big of a deal, you didn't ask me about that before." and even then I chose to stay in this mess. After that, he said that he can't be sexual with me because he wants to spend time with family (he has a sick father, and a nephew/ or it was a wife situation and I'm still not certain which one is true). He still invited me to hang out in restaurant and even that was enough, but now he moved away for various reasons in February and I was left behind. He rarely texts, saying that I should flee the country too and go study abroad or something, but nothing else. Now I'm spending a lot of time trying to make sense out of this relationship, because I don't want to admit that it was nothing and I was simply used. I don't want him to win.

A few times a month? Ow, it would be fine if you just met, but it’s been months and you’re still not seen as a priority?

Wow, Anna, another excellent video, thank you!

That was amazing. I felt like you were talking straight to me.

I’ve just had to do this a man I dated a few times was all in texting arranging dates being there etc then went cold and in my view breadcrumbs just texts just good morning then a good night but nothing in between and I just wasn’t going to sit around and wait for more but…. Due to my trauma I was stuck what to say so I just finished it

I’m getting SO MUCH VALUE from your channel. Thank you.

Hope your well. Thank you Anna x

Thank you for helping us fill in the gaps while giving us the courage to acknowledge and face our trauma.❤️

Dear Fairy, I have an insight and wanted to share here. And I feel this awareness will hugely help me resolve some issues. I have always bragged about how I didn't care what others thought of me, and that I didn't care about the impression I have left on others. I didn't need their approval, what mattered was my approval and so on.. (I think I have developed this at the age of 15-18, today I'm 38) I thought this was a healthy coping mechanism. I wanted to feel secure and rejected all kinds of rules and assumptions about self respect, just in order to feel okay about myself regardless. And acted accordingly. This made me develop a habit of ignoring all kinds of rules and experiences regarding creating and earning respect. I have created a safe space for respecting and loving myself unconditionally. And protecting myself from all kinds of judgements, conclusions and tags that could be inflicted upon me by others. And with the power of that space, I kept acting out of "reason" and kept self sabotaging behaviours as if I needed no validation, no love, since I had it all within. But this habit turned into a set of self sabotaging behaviours. And at the end of the day, what prevailed was the truth; I was acting out of reason(all giving without receiving, extremely open and vulnerable with total strangers, not caring others perception of me etc) I wasn't acting as a person who was truly respecting oneself. I had put my self respect in such a high high hidden place that no-one could hurt it. Guess what, now even I can't find it, since there are no supporting behaviours :)))))) And I lashed out when people failed to recognise my self respect that I could swear I had it. 🤦‍♀️ I think what I did there was to trade the feeling of unconditional respect for myself with the actual reality of it and corresponding behaviours and choices that should have come with it. So when you say "fake it till you make it", it doesn't sound nice. Because I still feel like I have it already. But I doubt that. What's needed is the behaviours to support it. Sorry for the long message but I had to lay out the tricks that my mind had played on me in order to protect me from feeling insecure and at the same time easily excuse me from acting accordingly. I thought it was a brave thing to put myself out there without any real protection that other ordinary people needed to feel secure..(yeah I was a superhuman who didn't need that....) But harsh truth comes.. When all the world, your behaviours and your soul scream the otherwise, it's hard to believe that you truly respect yourself. What's needed from the beginning was appropriate behaviours to support that. When I say it like this it seems so simple but try to imagine how hard it can be when your thinking is clouded at this degree. Thank you so much for the work and effort you put here.. I hope I can recover too like many others. I wish you all love, wisdom, and insight.

So much wisdom. Thank you

Thanks so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy! Have a great weekend!

Thank you so much Anna.

I really like how you talk Ana :) thank you for these videos and all the letters 👌🏻

i thank god for u. Thank u thank u

Always amazing 💜💜💜

I've been watching your videos for hours. Each more helpful than the other and i'm writing my reflections with each video. I didn't comment any of them since i didn't have anything i want to publicly share but left this comment to say Thank you for these videos.

Married to someone who's an immigrant, the nuanced communication differences proved to be triggering to my CPTSD. The stresses of living with cancer led to a very difficult family dynamic where we all ended up with some version of dysregulation. I'd love to hear advise as to how to get the family back on track -- we're all in therapy btw.

Thank you for this video.

Wonderful your job

Anna there is a problem associated with ptsd with parents who break a child’s confidence calling them dumb. I am ruined in my life workplace etc. people laugh at me as i shudder at the thought of public speaking. I cant think a or make decisions confidently. I m completely crumbled. Struggling to find a therapist

Bingo Bango 💥🎯

Love you!

My husband totally avoids me. He doesn't want to talk... ever. He tells me to leave him the f@#k alone. If I tried to discuss our marriage, he called it jibber jabber.... this is our marriage!! Then he had the audacity to ask me to have sex with him! I don't even know him. He wasn't like this for the first year. Very loving, traveled together, wanted to do things with me. Then we moved to a golf community and he COMPLETELY changed. I think golf gives him the excuse not to have to communicate with me. I can't talk about my needs. It's all his needs mets. Now I'm physically sick I believe from the stress. It's unbearable and it's taking a toll on my body. So hard

This couldn't have come at a better time for me

damn, did you hit it right at the opening 😩 those women could never ever handle a basic conversation about how the relationship is going and I DID spackle over the wholes where they would not show up with my rationalizations in the meantime, I would agrandize the breadcrumbs. my warning system was completely working but I wasn't listening to it 😭😭😭 it's like when you see the check engine light and you tell yourself the car is still running so you keep it moving even though you know it's time to bring it into the mechanic. but I also thought certain toxic behavior and whack double standards where normal parts of a relationship with a woman. as you coined it to me, I hella crap fitted myself to those people 😩 you get WAY more than breadcrumbs from a whole ass relationship there's complete nutrition meals and that stuff even tastes good. I'll be single the rest of my life before I starve away in a relationship #whew

That's all I ever find, is unavailable, narcissistic men. I do have cptsd

I did make a drama because the object of my limerence reminded me of a bpd ex…the effect was her bff kind of acting as enabler and bodyguard…no answer from the narcist or developing bpd…both extremely traumatic but maybe also a blessing in disguise…have been dealing with long term alcoholism, depression and anxiety but also preparing for the final phase of my parent’s lives…have gone cold turkey, cold showers and even going to yoga tonight…the deceit of the crap of limerence (i feel like I’ve been leeched actually) angers me but also motivates me to move into healthier attachments…i do feel the abandonment issues…

Like I've said before.... You need to love yourself first...

So would dating someone in prison be the epitome of limmerance? I dated and had a prison relationship with a covert narcissist...My dad was an addict growing up but parents stayed married then and are still married today so life was chaotic.

I got nabbed by this I just spent 17 years with a completely emotionally unavailable person and I'm glad that I'm out

It’s a sad thing that there is usually a negative connotation about the word polyamory. It might be hard to understand for some but it works just like a friendship (yes it’s not the same thing, yes romantic relationships are more complicated). You don’t get jealous when your partner is with someone else, just like you don’t do that when your friends have other friends, you don’t feel insecure because you know that you are loved even when there are other people etc, you need to have a healthy communication and you may agree to be each other’s primary partner so you can live together, get married, have kids etc. (Please don’t fight with me if you don’t agree. Most poly people know how monogamy works and respect monogamous people’s way, and we expect you to do the same with us.) On the other hand, there are people who claim to be polyamorous only as an excuse to their avoidance and their inability to take responsibility & take care of a relationship. Polyamorous or not, this only leads to heartbreak. I think this is the case with the person mentioned in the letter but I just wanted to say that if Charles genuinely wants a polyamorous relationship, there are people who want the same thing AND are emotionally available.

All I may think is lonely. I walked a lot. Mainly from School. It was only God and me. I did not get the education in grade school. Made it tough for high school. Priest molested some of my classmates. In grade school. I was approved but never got sucked in. I had a strong mother. With strict rules. So God saved me from sexual abuse. Amen for Gods strong right arm. Keep up the good work. Later.

Anna, what video are you referring to at the end? Thank you

I hear all this. However, when you feel starved crumbs are better than nothing. How does one sustain that craving for affection while healing to be able to identify and feel worthy of real care in a relationship?

👍

❤️

11:23 - 12:39

As someone who is in a healthy, secure, long term polyamorous situation, I can say with 100% certainty that if you can't even pin down a commitment from someone, and you can't communicate with absolute transparency with them, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY polyamory is going to work there.

What when we then decide to not be afraid of "the conversation" we go to confront the Pining partner/ the ambiguous friend and they say that they are not interested? How do you deal with the hurt of the truth ?

What do we do when we can't afford your courses?

Another KZfaqr explained that the emotionally neglected/immature expect you to read their minds 😳

My brother is being bread crumb he so in love with his gf she get mad at him no matter he do or say for her she doesn’t put an effect in the relationship she threaten to breakup with numerous of time he still think she love him that the short story I’m his sister I’m always put in the middle of the relationship I’m getting sick of it what should I do?

Hi Anna, I want to write a letter to you. I believe I have CPTSD and I have had a lot of traumatic experiences throughout my life. I am at a point now where I feel so hopeless and lost. I have a job and also a serious relationship but nothing feels enough or right. Can you help me? 😞 how can I reach out to you and write to you?

this guy sounds like a LOSER, and a user. hope he finds better!

No it is💩