Childhood PTSD Makes You Confuse “Wants” With “Boundaries”

Рет қаралды 27,941

4 ай бұрын

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A lot of people with Childhood PTSD were fed a steady diet of denial: Bad things things were happening and even if the parents weren’t DOING the bad things, they were incapable of noticing that something was terribly wrong. This may have injured your ability to see things as they are. To read the room. To understand where people are coming from when they say one thing, but do another. And Denial may have trained you to express your wishes, and then to become surprised and angry and CONFUSED when other people don’t deliver. In this video I respond to a woman who is confusing stating her boundaries, with enforcing her boundaries.
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Пікірлер: 106

@LdyCalvrt22 4 ай бұрын

Wow. I’m speechless. This was the most helpful and honest 20 minutes of talking I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing! You are a huge benefit!

@Sanlynnben 4 ай бұрын

Do yourself a favor and take mixed messages as a ‘no.’ The minute I get that ‘mixed messages’ feeling- I drop it like it’s hot. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I didn’t used to be that way. But I am now. I finally love myself that much… if a guy cares enough about you to sleep with you - then he should care about your heart!

@5thHouseProductions 6 күн бұрын

😊 Love this, drop it likes it’s hot! Confusion means No!

@parklady4233 4 ай бұрын

There are no boundaries as adults. If someone won’t change behavior you don’t like after being asked, the relationship needs to be over. Learning this young would have kept me from a 27 year relationship with a covert narcissist!!! Oh, so sad!

@user-cz5bx5pq5v 4 ай бұрын

Yep I wasted my whole life on them - because I was not an Internet person and did get educated till I was in my 60's.

@Laineyraider 4 ай бұрын

What you described is literally enforcing a boundary

@KindnessAndKaos 4 ай бұрын

I appreciate what you’re going for but I don’t think it’s the best take. You will absolutely need boundaries as an adult for literally every relationship you have (platonic or romantic). Boundaries are about yourself and what treatment you will accept. Like the person above me said, leaving would be enforcing a boundary by itself. But there are lots of smaller ones as well that may just relate to disengagement

@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness 4 ай бұрын

How do you feel when someone tells you that you “need to change” or they’ll leave you? That’s not always the solution, and we aren’t always correct. My solution to conflicts was always just dump the person. But after years of ending every relationship I’ve ever been in, that stopped working. Eventually you have to face your own personality problems and realize it often does happen that you might be the problem sometimes, not everyone else.

@tammymontgomery8532 4 ай бұрын

There are boundaries as adults and it's not always easy to uphold them but often it is because it's an immediate family member

@natalie77867 4 ай бұрын

Walk away from this kind of confusing behaviour. If a potential partner confuses you, they're not right. This is especially true for those with attachment issues.

@yonitznkc 4 ай бұрын

Her childhood sounds close to my experiences. I was firstborn with a younger brother; there was a miscarriage between we boys. Religion, addiction, ‘semi-narcissism,’ whippings under 11-years-of-age . . . their marriage sucked and I knew it even back then. I wasted years of early adulthood trying to ‘fix’ my parental bonds. I too never married, now at 61, and trauma after my 1st deep adult took me into avoidant attachment/limerence for years too. I’m now working through it all with all the light I can find. 🙏

@buttercxpdraws8101 4 ай бұрын

Dating is such a strange concept to me. I never had the self worth to expect men to take me on dates. I was just happy for any attention at all. It’s pretty sad really, I ended up doing sex work because it seemed logical at the time. 😢

@SaraAlessa277 4 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry. Of course you are worthy, we all are. But I get how hard it is sometimes to see that. I wish nothing but healing,tenderness and love for your future life. You are most definitely worthy of it.

@GabrielleTollerson 4 ай бұрын

that's sad! 😢 I'm so sorry,I hope you're doing ok,you are worth so much more and deserve the happiest and most wonderful of love 💔

@sigrid2402 4 ай бұрын

God love you, Anna. Finally at 3/4 century putting the pieces together. The future is a bright goal.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy

@dingdong6452 4 ай бұрын

You're 75! Wow!!

@MultiDonna26 4 ай бұрын

I remember my son in Grade 6 at the end of year assembly was acting strangely. He was fidgety but most of all his expression was sad. I thought perhaps he was going to miss primary school but the more I watched him from the parents seats, the more unsettled he seemed. Eventually I took him aside and sat outside on a bench with him and asked him what was going on. He said, 'The teacher wants to talk to you,' and again his expression was weird. When i pushed him he finally broke down and confessed. 'I called her a bitch.' I was so glad it wasn't more serious. I'm also a teacher and don't like being called bad names. Anyhow, I didn't punish him after we spoke with his teacher because he had already put himself through the emotional wringer. I realised it was nerves and fear of the outcome of what was going to happen. :)

@jaylynnfarr1276 4 ай бұрын

Anna, I just came across your videos a few days ago. Each one I watch is so incredibly helpful for me. While I wasn't abused, neglected or harmed as badly as many of the people who write to you, both of my parents were unavailable to me in different ways, and I realize now that my magical/fantasy approach to dating and relationships caused by what you accurately describe as wanting to escape a childhood reality where I didn't feel seen, understood or validated has made me crave this acceptance desperately and led to some seriously terrible relationships. Over the last year, I've finally committed myself to dating properly, and this journey has brought me to realizing these unhealthy patterns about myself and trying to change. I feel bad for Caroline but you're absolutely right. People with these issues need to take dating sooooo slow, not romanticize people we BARELY know, avoid sex without commitment, and prioritize ourselves over romantic attachment. Thank you for making this channel! You are doing such amazing, transformative work!

@1999PT 4 ай бұрын

Most of the letters of your clients are very detailed and good written English . I wish I can write like that. 😊

@agnel47 4 ай бұрын

As a neglected child with narc father, one thing resonated with me deeply for this letter. My father too forcd his half baked beliefs on me but as he got older he freely abandoned those same beliefs very easily. I had to genuinely accept the fact that father was extremely jealous of me (son) and literally did everything in gis power to sabotage everything i ever did.

@STAR-LIGHT.1111 4 ай бұрын

Don't worry alot abused people go into relationships to fast with the aftermath. But we have to learn from the mistakes.

@STAR-LIGHT.1111 4 ай бұрын

The guy is also inconsistent so watch out if he comes in and out of your life to use you.

@sillyr493 4 ай бұрын

I do not trust myself at all….just someone being interest in me puts me in a trigger situation…its so bad

@dougcoleman8972 4 ай бұрын

Same

@ericaardell500 4 ай бұрын

Yes!!!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@bingoandtoto 4 ай бұрын

I love all survivors who are here, I know your pain, Thanks for surviving, dears. :D

@user-lj8kc3dv4g 4 ай бұрын

I’m all mixed up too. !!! Due to a toxic family 😢. !!! My mother was a narcissist. and my father was really not involved with me, but with my sister, she was the Golden Child. I was the Scapegoat 😢 !!! I had an awful childhood 😢😢😢. !! Got beatings for my younger 2 siblings, because I was the oldest. Really ruined 😢my whole life !! Also I was molested and sodomized by my mother’s father, and my mother saw him doing it to me 😢 and did NOTHING. !!!! 😢😢😢😢😢. But instead punished. ME, for the rest of my life. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

@elizabethalexander6528 4 ай бұрын

You realize he probably molested her too. Its sad but turn this pain around. Getting healthy is the only way out of this pain. Healthy boundaries are my daily practices.

@dougcoleman8972 4 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you went through that. You didn't deserve that especially from those who were supposed to care for you. I was molested when I was five. That's what happened not who we are. Love you, stay strong, you are worth it.

@stephawesome2128 4 ай бұрын

I am so sorry that happened to you. You should have been protected and cared for. And PROTECTED! I can't emphasize that enough. I'm sorry you weren't

@malittlekitteh 4 ай бұрын

I'm so, so sorry you were abused instead of nurtured, and punished when you should have been protected!! These are the kind of adults who do not deserve to be entrusted with the care of an innocent child. Thank god you survived and are (I am assuming) an adult now and no longer at their mercy. This might sound dumb, because on an intellectual level it's so obvious, but I want to say this to you in case no one else has: You didn't do anything to cause or deserve any of these things that were done to you. It was not your fault. None of this was your fault. Your inner child, the little kiddo who tried to make sense of why they were being treated as though you did not deserve love and protection while your sister was valued and treasured, may need to hear this. I truly didn't know that there was still a little girl inside of me who needed to hear "it was not your fault" until I went to therapy, in my forties. I was so surprised when my therapist said this to me and I started crying! Of course it wasn't my fault! But there was a part of me that I didn't know existed who thought that somehow, it was. There was nothing wrong with you, kiddo. You didn't do anything wrong. It was not your fault. Not one bit of it. I want to make sure you know that. 💔❤‍🩹❤

@djb1164 4 ай бұрын

The dad being with a married woman now is NOT a good move. I know it's not the daughter's role to judge the parents' new relationships, but I feel that must be said.

@wordivore 4 ай бұрын

Right. As triggered as Anna gets about people dating (sleeping with) married people, seems maybe she forgot about the fact that dad's new girl is married, when she brought it up again.

@Sisterlisk 4 ай бұрын

Her dad didn't want to work on his relationship with his wife, he wanted to start over fresh with someone young who puts up with his crap because he's older and established. Is how I read it.

@GabrielleTollerson 4 ай бұрын

@@Sisterlisk exactly,it's disgusting and manipulative,this is how I view any man who chases much younger women

@eveelliotauthor 4 ай бұрын

Does anyone else think there are three factors here? She had sex with him too fast (in his opinion), she revealed she has an STD, and when his bros came into town I bet he told them all about her, probably showed them pictures, and they said "RUN!" or "She's not worth the hassle" etc. I feel her pain - Anna saying that we jump into a limerant kind of fairy tale too quickly really hit home with me, I've done that a few times. I hope Caroline meets someone and takes Anna's advice.

@patrickhein9470 4 ай бұрын

Did she tell him about std before sex or after? Did they have protected sex? Anxiety and fear is probably the biggest factor. Sex is a tricky situation. But it sounds like her want to be in an instant relationship because she really likes the guy could seem a bit of a red flag for a guy. Women aren't the only ones looking for red flags.

@wordivore 4 ай бұрын

@@patrickhein9470 She told him before sex. And then he told her that they could take things as slowly as she wanted. That's an old line that will get the pants off a woman pretty quickly.

@wordivore 4 ай бұрын

@eve Good points. I had thought the same about the fast sex. Didn't think about him mentioning her to his friends though but yeah, that definitely could've happened. The other thing I thought about was her saying yes to a last minute date. He called (or was it texted?) her on Friday to ask to have dinner that same night. Saying yes last minute like that is being too available.

@ebbyc1817 4 ай бұрын

As soon as I heard the words "STD" I thought, if this were the other way round, and we were reading a letter where the letterwriter had just started dating someone who reveals that he or she has an STD, we would all be thinking, wohhh, slow down. If on top of that, that person became limerent on the letterwriter, we would be saying, definitely, run. It's weird how, we the listeners interpret based on who's writing, as opposed to looking at the story as between two random people.

@dingdong6452 4 ай бұрын

I think he was lying about the "friends in town"

@chriskennedy6961 4 ай бұрын

Please don't go away, like everything else in my life has. You are so valuable to so many, Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy

@porgguy4962 4 ай бұрын

I don't watch too many of your videos but I stayed for this entire one and just wanted to say thanks and great job.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

@tiffanyfinley4834 4 ай бұрын

So glad to have found Anna

@captainshiggles 4 ай бұрын

I think I’m going to write a letter soon because there’s a lot of stuff that is relatable and there’s a couple of things after listening to this that made me sort of question why do I feel so bitter in relationships?

@dameanvil 4 ай бұрын

00:00 🚪 Childhood PTSD can lead to difficulty reading social cues and understanding people's intentions. 00:55 🧠 Childhood experiences, including absent parents and family conflicts, can shape adult relationships and behaviors. 06:24 📱 Miscommunications and sudden changes in dating behavior are common in early stages of relationships. 10:06 💔 Early attachment wounds can impact adult relationships, leading to intense feelings and difficulties setting boundaries. 13:02 📝 Journaling and seeking support from a community can help process emotions and navigate relationships. 15:45 🚸 Parents' own unresolved trauma can affect their ability to recognize and address their children's needs. 20:31 🛠 Therapy and support groups offer tools and guidance for healing from past traumas and building healthier relationships.

@Mel-wq9wu 4 ай бұрын

Wow! This was an extremely helpful video! Thank you so much!😊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

I'm so glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@Goated12348 2 ай бұрын

Say it louder for the people in the back: "just because a guy is nice to you doesn't mean he wants the same outcome." 💯

@user-lj8kc3dv4g 4 ай бұрын

I’m now 76 years and still need help. Had 2 bad marriages, to narcissistic men. 😢😢😢. And of course Hurt 😢😢. Now alone . My 2 siblings., are narcissist and don’t have anything to do with me. 😢😢. Both siblings treated me badly, because of my mother influence. 😢😢😢😢. I was always on the outside of the family, all my life. Even growing up, and into adulthood and when I got married, with my children. Such a Sad 😔 life. And my children had suffered too, because of my family. I am.😢😢😢😢. My mother disowned me, after I got married because I wouldn’t take her side , when she divorced my father. After decades of not having Nothing to do with me or my children, she called me, 2 years before she died, to “ men fences”. And of course I fell for it. Well, when the WILL was read, my oh my God sister and brother, received a lot of money, and I got. $1.00. 😢😢😢😢😢. She got me even in death. Her Will, read, that I was a BAD DAUGHTER, so I only deserved $1.00, from her. 😢😢😢😢😢😢. And I did truly loved her in the end. I helped her to to (heaven). ???? And make it easier for her to pass. My siblings, weren’t there, But I WAS for HER. ❤. Because I LOVED HER. 🥰🥰🥰🥰😢😢😢😢😢😢

@marierose6792 4 ай бұрын

Narcissistic, disordered people ALWAYS need someone to hate. It is the bad object ( part of them) that they can not accept as having,,, so they need to throw out that hatred on another person. I know that this is a studied concept and have seen it all my life. So, you poor dear, were picked. It had nothing to do about you. That is sad but also liberating. She also lied. She did not call you to mend fences. You can love her, from afar. But better still, imagine her, as someone else's mother. A person you see at a distance as a separate human . Then be the best mother to yourself. I send you peace.

@jazzy7459 4 ай бұрын

So sorry for you and that it’s causing you so much sadness. How cruel is that of a mother to do. But on judgement day all will be clear and you know your love was genuine and you will be rewarded for your good intentions and the efforts you made for your mother. I pray that you can try to move on from this knowing that you have children who love you and that you love your children.

@sharonthompson672 4 ай бұрын

I think when he waited until Friday to call her, his first choice said no. Just my hunch having experienced that before, even as disgusting as being referred to as "you eere my 'ace in the hole ' if the other person I picked didn't work out". Yeah. Dating sux. I suggest going into it as meeting a potential FRIEND for dinner, NOT a potential mate.

@sxwrtr918 4 ай бұрын

Yes! Sounds that way. Been there as well, years ago. Guy ringing at 6 on a Friday screams, 'the one I really wanted couldn't make it, so you're my back burner backup/booby prize...oh please be home and answer the phone.' F you, buddy! Call someone else to be your sloppy seconds.

@christinelamb1167 4 ай бұрын

I love that! Think of a date as meeting a potential friend, not a mate. Brilliant!

@MariaM-qq6kv 4 ай бұрын

I wish you were my mother 😢

@onetuliptree 4 ай бұрын

Anna has great advice.

@OneLovePeace 4 ай бұрын

So awesome, thank you

@Nancy-dz1vo 4 ай бұрын

Great video. Thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@wealthyspaces1131 4 ай бұрын

very eloquently explained: I have done the same long before technology. After technology I had to come off the apps pure mental health harm . I had great offers of marriage but never understood why I ran (nothing wrong with the guy) - now I know-issue sof abandonment and emotional detachment. It actually creates your personality based on negotiating those awful episodes. I would also say that I had to find the silver lining throughout my life but deep resentment so deep its almost unreachable.

@Anonymas-di6zc 4 ай бұрын

Wow Thank you for the botoom of my ❤ Love how Clearly you talk about CPTSD. Helps me to finaly get an answer wy most peaple are inconfortable with me... No one did give an answer When I asked😢 Thank you so much for your Work and your Amazing BREAK FREE ❤❤❤❤❤ AND NOW HELP US TO BREAK FREE TOO😮❤❤🎉🎉

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Glad it was helpful! Thank you for your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

@tammymontgomery8532 4 ай бұрын

I feel very much like this im in a similar position, just im almost 20 years older than this person. I sometimes feel like I may never have any successful relationships except for the 2 family members i hold dearest no its not any of my parents/stepparents

@pandorasmagicbox 4 ай бұрын

I'm struggling with this right now. I'm in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. I want to break up but my bf, a good man, keeps asking me to stay. I always give up and go back, but I'm unhappy.

@amberinthemist7912 4 ай бұрын

I think your bar for what a good man is is too low. If he was a good man, he'd meet your needs or let you go.

@SummerOf1987 4 ай бұрын

Go.

@ebbyc1817 4 ай бұрын

You ignore how you feel and do what someone else wants. Hmmmmm.

@dingdong6452 4 ай бұрын

@@amberinthemist7912this

@GabrielleTollerson 4 ай бұрын

a good man would not rob you of your needs! You need to leave him,you deserve better,someone who WILL meet your needs!

@C-Span222 4 ай бұрын

Thank you 😊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

@sanghalightlove 4 ай бұрын

Thank you❤

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

@benedettasavitri9644 4 ай бұрын

Fairy, can you please make a video about how to create a relationship with teenagers-I am referring to the 'trick' questions you mentioned in the video

@user-is8jw5lc6n 4 ай бұрын

Anna, you’re Goddess to the MAX ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

@Anonymas-di6zc 4 ай бұрын

Hart Breaking 😢 I do identify me with how you feel. Grow up with two parents, Big Troll and my Mom became narcissic ( is that possible ? ) It is hell 😢😢😢

@Anonymas-di6zc 4 ай бұрын

Wow so much gazlightig 😢😢

@NKRAIEM 4 ай бұрын

Here is the PDF download on signs of what to look for? I only see a quiz. Thank you

@Roxcare 4 ай бұрын

Muchas gracias, hay forma de traducir al español? Alguien me dice por favor.. gracias

@aridec3 4 ай бұрын

Is there any way I can book a session with you to talk about a specific issue i’m having? I feel like you would truly have amazing insight and be able to help

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

You can schedule a coaching appointment here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/coaching -Calista@TeamFairy

@cathyburczyk4174 4 ай бұрын

Where can I find a coupon code please? I’m a 65 year old senior I’m disabled and in chronic pain . I isolated myself due to thinking no one would want me anymore. Financial support for a course or two would help me a lot if you have this sort of help.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 ай бұрын

Please contact my team at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com

@amylathrop8329 4 ай бұрын

Or maybe his feelings didn't change since it had only been a few days.

@JaquelineWildner 4 ай бұрын

The problem is sex. So many guys just don't want to move in without it ajsI get instantly attached.

@ellenbruckermarshall4179 4 ай бұрын

The dude sounds married.

@dingdong6452 4 ай бұрын

Yup. The "friends in town" was a lie too.

@aciddiver1978 4 ай бұрын

Dont confuse religion with receiving Jesus and having a relationship with Him. Religion is man made "save yourself by doing this and that" and based on laws and not grace. Jesus took it all on the cross, so we live by grace and not by law.

@sherrieh2062 4 ай бұрын

Anna- you don’t know how much I…(and many others) appreciate this channel & how helpful, useful and informative it is. Honestly, you are so impactful in helping people cope with the problems of CPTSD & dysregulation. I so appreciate all your great advice and support. You are truly a Godsend! 🩷💙💜