Thank you!

“I was broke as a stump and ugly as a mule...”

Meh

​@@nuclearjanitors That was my going to be my exact response but you beat me to it. Too many adjectives (grim, far) make it sound cheesy. Not to mention that 'darkness of the future' is another way of saying 'dark future', so the entire first part is another adjective in disguise. Also, the adjectives don't provide that much new information, nor do they raise any questions. Third, calling the dark future where there's only war 'grim', is painting the roses red. Maybe this type of opening is right for the genre, but it doesn't have me hooked, personally.

Fates worse than death? Admittedly, I haven’t played Warhammer since the late ‘80s, but it’s really gotten grimdark. Might have to revisit it. Hey, I’m “old and retired , “not old and get-off-my-lawn”.

@@Fourger14 You're probably correct, which is why I admitted that this type of opening might be right for its purpose. If this were the opening line of a novel, it would've been terrible. This is a line for branding an RPG franchise, not beginning a story. As it is, it probably works.

that's a good one and if there was a fallout novel ever the opening line would always be "war, war never changes" lolz

Thanks for watching!

Wow, that’s a pretty particular pick for translators. What about Rouse do you like? I’m partial to TE Lawrence, myself.

Thanks! Which book?

Thank you for that! Glad you enjoyed it.

Awesome! Which book? I hope you enjoy it.

@@DVSPress Blood Drinker!

Thank you!

That is a good line, but adding all of the line really makes the impact. It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

Cool!

I am a fan of King, and I feel like that first line is the best of the whole Dark Tower series (as well as the first book being the best). There are good parts throughout the whole series but overall it's just... King being King for 7 or so books and even as a fan of his it gets to be too much after a while.

@@TadRaunch that is a fair assessment. There are moments of brilliance, encased in eons of noise.

Jemand musste Josef K. verleumdet haben, denn ohne dass er etwas Böses getan hätte, wurde er eines Morgens verhaftet.

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from anxious dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a gigantic vermin" (insect) Gets at you right away with the character and the big conflict - and an exceptionally weird one. It establishes and raises questions at the same time, and in a simple statement.

@@DVSPress Die Verwandlung (sorry only know the german title i´m from germany) certainly was weird. the beginning was killer. but the rest well it´s Kafka and Kafka is kinda love him or hate him. I don´t really like Kafka´s works but i must admit Die Verwandlung has one of the strongest first lines in any book/text i´ve read. it is just weird: he´s a bug now? though i should say i read it almost 8 years ago. i was 17 and it was typical german literature class. Somehow hammer the whole book (or it´s wikipedia entry) into your head. get some analysis online because that´s the only way you´ll figure what your teacher wants to hear and be prepared for that dreaded first question: Did you read it? everyone nods. Now the real battle begins "what did you like about the book?" not "did you like the book?" that´s important if your german literature teacher isn´t younger than thirty you will face the question what you liked. not liking a book is not an option unless you want to show what a free fall looks like using your grades as a test subject. So the question is what you liked. Die Verwandlung made it easy. it had a killer first line. So i was grateful for that.No lying no hard thinking for that question. (although it is hilarious to watch the faces when this question comes up. Everyone is thinking so hard "there must be something" "do i remember enough of the plot, to make something up?" it is hilariously great fun to just watch the faces. i´m a bad liar so i got the bad grade anyway) i could just say i liked the first line. because it really is good. I only made the mistake to admit it was the only thing i liked about it back in the day. that´s how to ruin a good score. Liking the first line was fine: i liked the book right? if i only said that it would´ve been perfect. i could somehow tell why i liked that line so perfect. But yeah to admit it went south from there .bad mistake. Well i´ll never take literature classes again. unless watching your videos counts (i definitely learn more from you than what i learned in school) and you don´t grade me. so that´s way back in the past. Still kind of funny to look back.

I have such a cockroach phobia every day in German class that we read this destroyed me.

The quieter the character, the more wise he will be perceived.

Just mentioning a time traveler is a hook!

I've done various bad gimmicks when I was writing my first books, but I think what you are doing is just a way to have a non-linear story presentation. Lots of great books use non-linear elements to toy with expectations. The question is whether the story needs the campfire, or if that just gets in the way. If it doesn't need it, toss it. That being said, the key to creating revelations as effective plot points isn't in the gimmick, but in the execution. The way you present a scene is much more important than an obtuse device to obfuscate the facts. Just telling things in a first person perspective, for example, allows for a lot of misdirection, but having the character focus on the wrong details, while the writer still provides the important pieces for the reader, though he may not realize it at the time. Lots of this stuff you are only going to learn by trying out, though, so keep that in mind.

I'd probably word it more like this: _System reset; Loading default settings._ Janus stared at the orange text scrolling through the abyss. That way you have the "meat" of the line, then you have a character and a context for setting. That's just the way I would do it. BTW I would caution against writing anything that isn't a screenplay in present tense. It makes the narrative read like a greentext from 4chan. If you want it to feel like greentext, cool, otherwise, past tense is better.

@@DVSPress Thanks for the help. I usually confuse my tenses. So I guess I should write most of my novella in past tense then?

Almost all fiction is written in past tense for good reason. Some things break the mold (even best-sellers). Like I said, it depends what feel you want. Present tense feels like I'm reading something very terse, simple, and direct, like a screenplay, rather than something subtle and beautiful.

@@DVSPress Wow. I took a writing in fiction class but since we somehow always ran out of time we never discussed tense-use. Thanks. 🐱‍🚀👍

At a college or university?

It's the book I probably enjoyed writing the most. It was a setting I loved to work with, I wrote it during a great period in my life, and I finally honed my craft enough through practice that I could write the story I really wanted to write and have it come out pretty good on the other side. And yeah, post whatever you want. If it's a link it may take a few hours since I filter links for approval (way too much spam on my popular videos).

@@DVSPress thanks a lot. and no i post it as a plain text. maybe a bit brave, but i doubt it is this good somebody would use it for his own work^^ i can imagine the mass of spam being enormous. And thank god the idea of not being good enough to actually make a story, you want to write, turn out good is not weird. (cause actually i have two of that sort. the first thing i ever tried to write happened to be way out of my league at that time and i´m still not confident i can get it as good as i want it to be. and the second story is a real story and needs a great amount of talking to be done first. Because i would never even write the first line without her permission. It´s the story of a great friend of mine and it definitely was the wildest time in both of our lives. And i have to drastically improve before i even think about asking her for permission)

I didn't take it down, it was a live stream, and some live streams default to unlisted. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/mdifat2Uv8WVm5c.html

ok thanks, was looking forward to hearing your opinions on those subjects @@DVSPress

Have fun with your ADD

Some people like Lovecraft