Dealing with Emotionally Immature People (and Parents) | Dr. Lindsay Gibson, Being Well Podcast

Рет қаралды 130,773

Күн бұрын

Dr. Lindsay Gibson joins the podcast to share her groundbreaking work on emotional maturity. Dr. Gibson and I explore how growing up with emotionally immature caregivers can affect our adult relationships, and what we can do to recover from these experiences, build healthier patterns, and disentangle from emotionally immature people. We start by discussing what emotional immaturity means, some of its key characteristics, and the consequences of growing up with emotionally immature parents. We then talk about how we can move away from “role-self” and develop a deeper connection with who we really are. You’ll learn practical tools for recognizing emotionally immature people, managing your relationships with them effectively, and establishing healthy boundaries.
About our Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of a number of books including Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People. Her most recent work is the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Guided Journal.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:10 What is emotional immaturity?
7:30 Affective realism and involuntary coping mechanisms
14:25 An example of a childhood with emotionally immature caregivers
19:25 The “role-self,” and how children respond to a parent’s lack of empathy
26:10 Receiving guidance and stability from the authentic self
30:25 How the role-self affects relationships in adulthood
41:50 Connecting with the authentic self, and having healthier relationships
51:00 Letting go of healing fantasies in adult relationships
57:05 Guilt, emotional coercion, fear of loneliness, and finding optimal distance
1:04:05 How to identify with yourself as a secure base
1:07:35 Recap
Subscribe to Being Well on:
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5d87ZU1...
Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

Пікірлер: 593

@TheFireproofWitch Ай бұрын

Not me watching this to find ways to deal with myself 😂

@zahra7985 Ай бұрын

😂

@Lovinghealingjournal Ай бұрын

Same 😅

@ForrestHanson Ай бұрын

Honestly, respect.

@davidmusic5883 Ай бұрын

a nice amount of comments

@karenyendall7511 Ай бұрын

Me too 🙏🏾 @@zahra7985

@amyrobe3744 8 күн бұрын

I wonder how many times people are called narcissistic but they’re really emotionally immature.

@AlisonChristian-bq4ws 5 күн бұрын

Lots

@sarahillman1900 4 күн бұрын

One doesn’t cancel the other. If narcissism is on a spectrum( which it is) , highly emotionally immature people will likely be on that spectrum .

@melissavalentine9771 3 күн бұрын

🎉 right because narcissist has lack/ no empathy.. Where emotionally immature can still have empathy

@fmgmail 3 күн бұрын

I may be wrong but narcissism is a category of personality disorder, i.e. behaviours or pattern of behaviours, while emotional immaturity is about stunted emotional development that can be due to avoidant or anxious attachment. In other words, narcissism can result as a manifestation of emotional immaturity. Not all emotionally immature individuals are narcissistic, but most narcissistic individuals are likely immature emotionally. Just my 2 cents worth 😅

@wallycheladyn1190 2 күн бұрын

@@melissavalentine9771I don't think your statement regarding narcissists is accurate.

@Dawn-tv1bk 27 күн бұрын

I hope she writes a book specifically for “spouses of emotionally immature spouses”

@tool-enjoyer666 22 күн бұрын

Im no pro but i would guess that you ( or they ) are unconsciously trying to resolve the trauma of the emotionally immature parent by getting in a relationship with a similar person in hopes that you will succeed in changing them. This is of course impossible because people will always double down on what theyre doing when they suspect that someone is trying to change them to satisfy their own needs. This is manipulative yes, but in a deeply unconscious way. So theres no need to feed guilty about it. I heard someone say that most hetero ( and non hetero for that matter ) relationships end because the woman wants the man to change, but he doesnt. And the man hopes the woman doesnt leave him, but she does. This is an overgeneralisation of course, but it is true for many cases. So it is a common pattern. Essentially what im saying is that by healing your relationship to the immature parent, you are healing your relationships in general. And by trying to do the opposite ( healing a specific relationship to try and heal the trauma that the parent left you with ) you will probably fail, because we project our parental relationships to all other relationships.

@Dawn-tv1bk 22 күн бұрын

@@tool-enjoyer666 no. That’s not the case here. But thanks for your input.

@Vic-jw7vb 20 күн бұрын

Yes 🎉 need a book on eip spouse's

@marykatherinerosson213 18 күн бұрын

Figure out what their attachment style is , then start listening to things on that specifically. You’ll be able to tell how immature or “insecurely attached” they are.

@leluyaa 16 күн бұрын

Yeah, my wife'd need that. I'm impossible 😔

@alic5509 7 күн бұрын

Watching this on Mother's Day which, by choice, I decided to take a temporary break from my mom who is emotionally immature and this is my own self-care gift. It's been an extra stressful number of years, as she ages, being blamed, shamed and demeaned. Sometimes you have to take a break to heal.

@SH-vj2ce 7 күн бұрын

Same.

@elenahauser6617 6 күн бұрын

I did the same. It‘s already working.

@landriahhardiek4967 6 күн бұрын

I did the same

@kimtonearts 5 күн бұрын

If you can't handle permanent relationships, don't get married either. All of you sound like nightmare children, and teens who shout "I wish I was never born!" before slamming the bedroom door. This is a culture issue. Some cultures would never DISHONOR PARENTS in such ways. So stop patting each other on the back. There's no such thing as perfect parents or kids. Comparing yourselves to other ppls' projected illusions is making you vain and bitter.

@catsmeow3478 5 күн бұрын

I took a break to heal too, it’s been four years and I’m healing, which I couldn’t do in the ongoing toxicity and trauma. I read the guest’s book a year ago, which helped a lot. I see things much more clearly and have set very firm boundaries and my number one priority is my health and healing. I wish the same for you.

@catsmeow3478 5 күн бұрын

The book was outstanding, it resonated massively, having been raised by two emotionally immature parents. It made sense of the statement my college boyfriend at the time made about my mother, “I feel sorry for her, she’s like a 5-yr old girl who never had her needs met.” When my alcoholic brother drank himself to death ten years ago, she said to me, “he was an emotional midget,” and I thought, it takes one to know one and to create one.

@user-qz7zx2sd4v 5 күн бұрын

Yes!

@melissavalentine9771 3 күн бұрын

🤔 true 😢

@angelamossucco2190 Ай бұрын

What Dr. Gibson says at approximately minute 33 feels revolutionary. She says that at first emotionally immature people are people pleasers and then they expect to receive unconditional love from their partner as if they were a little children and should be able to do anything without losing the love of their partner including putting demands on them that mutual adult partners should not put on each other that relate to control. In other words, they seem to be the child in the relationship with an unconditionally loving parent. But the strain that that puts on the other partner means that the other partner would have to become like a parent but to a grown person

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

Both are parents to each other to a degree, and both are children to a degree… what happened to Eric Berne and ego states theory? Now we are seeing pathology in it - but is it necessary indeed? Is the discomfort (to person and others) is significant to a degree we should bother about this? I don’t know, I’m not convinced yet we should improve something that works or happens too often in society.

@KB-ih5gf 28 күн бұрын

@@kognitivescientistperhaps it’s a matter of degree?

@spinnettdesigns 26 күн бұрын

@@kognitivescientistI can understand why you say this but it’s very hard on those who do decide to move and an mature, to continue to feel that they have to “go back” to try to sooty another adult who won’t do the work to grow up. This doesn’t mean that the person that stays immature is not a good person or worthy of friendship or love. It just makes life charged with a lot more drama because they see things from a child’s perspective. What helped me to work at growing up was EFT. You can find it here on KZfaq by Brad Yates or the sort nerd and many others. Our life experience is what formed our personality and it’s up to the adult to learn to sift through that, to see what’s true and viable and what they should let go of. My siblings (that are long ago senior citizens) are this way and it’s excruciating to deal with their drama. They don’t want to put the effort into learning how to self-regulate. It took me over 20 years of therapy and changing everything about myself and it’s been painful and expensive but it’s been worth it to me and I have mature friends, which are a tremendous gift. They hung in there with me as they watched me struggle to get better. On the other side, as I matured, other immature friends no longer wanted to be with me, because I wouldn’t baby them anymore. That was very painful for me too, but that is their choice and I have to live with it. It’s been a long hard road but I would never go back to being immature and I wish others could also enjoy this great feeling.

@EarInn 21 күн бұрын

She didn't say emotionally immature people do that, she said that people raised by emotionally immature parents do that.

@spinnettdesigns 21 күн бұрын

@@EarInn it’s important that we realize that this can apply in many settings, and not just one.

@Theplaylist510 21 күн бұрын

ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO THIS INTERVIEWER!!! He was kind, respectful and compassionate. You sir got a new subscriber.

@Hinz2005 2 күн бұрын

same!

@xKarenWalkerx 5 күн бұрын

She is basically describing personality disorders and attachment styles without labeling anything. This is a terrific discussion for anyone wanting the base roots explanation of why some people just don't have it in them to arrive maturely in a relationship. Here's a tip: you are not their father or mother. Emoting onto these dynamics is INCESTUOUS AND WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL. There are people whose job it is to help them - no need to make it yours.

@melissavalentine9771 3 күн бұрын

🎉

@FigaroHey 2 күн бұрын

My emotionally and otherwise immature brother and sister-in-law took physical care of their three kids but had no ability to enter into their world, understand their feelings, help them work through them or guide them in any steady, reliable way. Once the kids were fed and washed, it was "Go." Go outside and play, go in your room and play, go watch TV. Go somewhere else because we're busy or we want to smoke weed or watch TV. Just go away and take your emotional and developmental and intellectual and spiritual and social needs with you. I was the kids' secondary caretake from age 14 to 24. I spent all the time with them WITH them: talking, playing, reading to them, doing crafts, going for walks, teaching them manners and how the world works, dealing with their emotions and helping them feel safe and supported instead of yelled at. Their parents' message was, "You're a problem and obstacle to me." Mine was, "You are my favorite people in the world and I love being with you." The oldest of the three went into early child development and daycare and is amazing with kids, because, she says, she wanted to be like me when she grew up. The second said as an adult that for the first ten years of his life, I basically raised him and was the real parent in his life. The third has become a very closely connected dad with his kids, saying he did not get that modelled by his parents, but by me. Those three kids have a lot of baggage because of their parents' failings and immaturity. But having had a stable, loving attentive person in their young childhood was obviously, to them, a saving grace. The nuclear family is a modern, western aberration. The idea that it's the parents and only the parents who can or should emotionally nurture kids and anyone else stepping in when young, immature parents are overwhelmed and failing is 'incestuous' is pure BS. All cultures before the industrial revolution were multi-generational cultures in which it took a village to raise kids. Natural, traditional cultures absolutely understand that the American model of an isolated couple trying to raise kids in a bubble with no help or support from outside is bizarre, ridiculously hard and damaging to kids. Children need grandparents, aunts and uncles and even just community members to relieve the parents and take up the slack where parents fail.

@Hinz2005 2 күн бұрын

Needed this. Thank you

@Creationweek Ай бұрын

"we have a view that people are more like machines" yes but paradoxically we live in a culture that doesn't recognize that our machine needs maintenance and repairs. And that redlining an engine all day will result in catastrophic failure. Worst of all worlds.

@musicbrazilian7065 Ай бұрын

This exchange made me cry. After years of therapy I have began to have the courage of asking for my needs to be met and boundaries however my emotionally immature friends rejected me, they are so used to me being their care giver that they called me arrogante for once asking not to be their therapist or their support system without reciprociry.

@livejadelive 29 күн бұрын

Why would you ask your friends for the *right* to be a happy individual though?

@jclyntoledo 26 күн бұрын

@@livejadeliveyou obviously don't understand the video or OP's comment. No one is saying anyone is responsible for their happiness, OP is clearly saying her friends are emotionally immature and don't respect her boundaries which disrupts her peace aka makes it so she can't be happy around them. The more you know 🌈

@jclyntoledo 26 күн бұрын

Also you deserve better friends, remember they aren't family so you don't need to find reasons to keep them in your life if you don't feel they are showing up for you or respecting your boundaries.

@livejadelive 26 күн бұрын

@@jclyntoledo Oh my....

@imbolc8024 26 күн бұрын

@@jclyntoledo isn't it the same family - friends, to me it 'had' to be seen that this is the situation (sadly), not because a person is family, that it's 'must be good and i'll force myself till i drop' - what i did...

@ChocolateJewels 26 күн бұрын

The realization hit me about a week ago that my mother (76) is actually a covert narcissist. And my dad one of the other types. My brother and I never had half a chance at a half ways decent childhood. He’s an alcoholic. I’m not. I went into perfectionism, neuroticism, never being good enough or doing something well enough, etc., the whole lot for decades. I’m slowly finding my way out.

@Daisy.Mohajane 4 күн бұрын

I'm only 24 and you just explained me and my older sister who is 13 years older than me

@TheYazmanian Ай бұрын

It's rare to see someone's smile reach their eyes. This guy's smile is very genuine and warm. Something comforting about it😢

@Mushroom321- 17 күн бұрын

It is comforting !!! Like a hug!! 😊😯🤗

@MellowBellow1 17 күн бұрын

Is it so rare? It’s beautiful to be sure, but it’s not rare. …

@TheYazmanian 16 күн бұрын

@@MellowBellow1 in your opinion. From my perspective, it is rare.

@TheYazmanian 16 күн бұрын

@@Mushroom321- it is !! 💛

@MellowBellow1 16 күн бұрын

@@TheYazmanian yes. But that’s my point. … you don’t see how much it happens. It’s not rare. That’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. Your opinion is that it’s rare. Because you don’t see it.

@amychen2504 Ай бұрын

This is exactly what happened to me. I gave way too much then eventually expected my partner to serve me because, after all, I had met all my mother's needs to stay safe. He refused and I was devastated for years. Emotionally Immature parents set you up for a lifetime of struggle because you are trying to get what you can't get from them from others. If you change the cycle, you get the hit of the loss without the compensation of passing it on so that someone takes care of you. You just care for others inappropriately at first and then appropriately (if you have kids). It's so so hard.

@punyashloka4946 25 күн бұрын

Yeah its hard and painful also. But we have to heal ourselves as much as possible.

@lauracarstiou3505 16 күн бұрын

I totally relate to that

@JuliaDarling84 13 күн бұрын

You've put that so well. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

@TreasureDeal 7 күн бұрын

I agree. It's hard to relearn to live better.

@Laz_RS 5 күн бұрын

I learned at a young age to not show emotion to my parents because they would weaponize it against me.

@anamembrives3411 9 күн бұрын

I've realized that my people pleasing tendencies come from my relationship with my parents. It was obvious but also really confusing.

@ch3ngg 3 күн бұрын

same. how are you dealing with it and how are you working on the people pleasing?

@mollyprior5288 3 күн бұрын

@ch3ngg not the OP but this is something I've been facing in my life and I found the people pleasing to be very linked to shame. It was a revelation to realise that not everyone will or should like me and that it's not actually a reflection of my worth. Also, starting to practice boundary setting, it's like building a new muscle.

@ch3ngg 3 күн бұрын

@@mollyprior5288 oh id love to hear more about the shame aspect. for me its quite close and may even be the same - people pleasing is linked to fear of rejection. how do you navigate your relationships, specifically with parents/parent figures? reevaluating the relationship when you realise that the one you want and need with them will not be an actual tangible reality.

@Mermare Ай бұрын

She's such a great guest. If you don't have her books, pick them up or check them out digitally from your library.

@SusanaXpeace2u Ай бұрын

yeh, listening to disentangling on audible nwo, it's so good, it has the questions that torment you.. (and some answers)

@kaoutar6921 18 күн бұрын

Hey wich one of her books she talked about the RO self . Thanks in advance.

@mariiachu170 7 күн бұрын

What's scary is when you're casually listening to these podcasts and one of the guest speakers perfectly describes a situation that is hours away from happening in your very day.

@bradley244ify 5 күн бұрын

I am 74 and it is so interesting to see people of late expecting that anyone is anything but a work in progress. I remember being younger and thinking every generation would naturally do better than the last. My children were almost grown before I realized life was much more of a crap shoot and nobody ended up with the wisdom or access to the whole story, an all around even development and especially I began to have more sympathy for my peers my parents and hopefully my children as they make their way through life. Right now I find myself amazed at how much more I need to learn and need to change. I thought learning would be done by now. I struggle.

@HappyMomma412 4 күн бұрын

I struggle, too.

@kathleengainor8532 3 күн бұрын

Thank you for sharing how you stay receptive to growth.

@Marlenkaminta Ай бұрын

Realising how many times I didn't even notice my pain, and the pain caused by others to protect the 'connection' was such a difficult process, and sometimes it still is. The neglect and bypassing was so 'normal' and familiar and it didn't register as something wrong with the way the other one treats me, but something wrong with me, and I am just too sensitive and difficult as I have so often heard during my childhood, and as a woman born into this patriarchal structure later on too. This messaging is everywhere. In films, advertising, songs, literature etc. This realisation has been both freeing and devastating at the same time.

@kristilee7006 29 күн бұрын

I resonate 100% with this. It takes courage to begin to validate our own pain because we may realize we have to sever the connection in order to preserve our own emotional well-being.

@spinnettdesigns 26 күн бұрын

Have you heard of HSP? (Highly sensitive person) you might want to look into it. Self care is essential when dealing with people like this, who even border in narcissistic behavior

@Marlenkaminta 26 күн бұрын

@@spinnettdesigns There was a period in my process when I explored the HSP narrative, however personally I didn’t find it helpful. My difficulties are connected to recognizing highly insensitive people :)) Jokes aside being raised by such people, and living in a society where the messaging is pretty dehumanizing and desentatizing it’s a process to finally realize that the problem is not my ‘sensitivity’. Leaving that mindset was freeing. The sad part was facing how my own lack of knowledge, role models and healthy experience prevented me to exit that self blaming dynamic much earlier. It is what it is. Wish you all the best on your journey! ✨

@lauracarstiou3505 16 күн бұрын

Emotional abuse is when your partner says you are too sensitive when they are undermining your self esteem whenever they can

@menkedejong9968 8 күн бұрын

I totally agree with you. Through this podcast I indeed realised that it is my habit and familiarity with abuse and neglect, to not notice it at first. Though later on I did wonder why I Iet it all happen, the way it did. Now I understand why and that is a pretty shocking realisation! I also know that every time when I am confronted with this kind of behaviour of others, it will be a challenge and a test, what my reaction will be. As the realisation is there now, everytime will be a new chance for the slowly scaving away of the old pattern so the new healthy pattern can start to emerge.

@Cymricus 13 күн бұрын

what i’ve noticed is it’s the entire family, myself included. i love how she mentioned we compartmentalize and mature in different threads. i definitely cope better with work stress and i act like a 7 year old in close relationships, and like a 2 year old with my immediate family. very enlightening stuff.

@menkedejong9968 8 күн бұрын

At least you have the insight and that for sure is a start! :)

@FigaroHey 2 күн бұрын

One reason kids need two parents. When one parent is overwhelmed the less stressed parent can step in. But that requires the parents to be aware and mature enough to discuss and decide how they will notice who is more stressed in any given moment and step in and first, let the kids know, "Other parent is really busy right now; it's not about you," and second, be present to the kids calmly and attentively while the other parent deals with his or her stress/demands.

@NilasJunkyard 2 күн бұрын

The more I listen to this, the more I see my father. I even realize new patterns in him. He usually project this egocentric onto me and everything he hates about himself. Last time I tried to connect, he invited me to open up to him, just to shame and shout at me for 30mins. I am not allowed to show my personality or talk about what I like/dislike ect. I remember him laughing at my 9-year-old self for being afraid of certain things. He does not want to get to know me or connect in any way, but makes fun of my struggles or when I get hurt. He's an alcoholic bully and I know how bad it sounds when I say 'In death he'll finally see how much he hurt me'.

@hlnmarie 2 күн бұрын

Wow, I think your father had 2 families.😅😅😅

@sino4456 Ай бұрын

Its taken me years to figure out I had an enmeshed relationship with my mother. The space and freedom I feel now that I speak with her once a week has been painful but freeing. I also realise that I tried to also recreate enmeshed relationships with others in my life, thinking it was normal. And that has also been painful to realise. I'm discovering who I am and what I want.

@NP_is_not_here Ай бұрын

Bravo! Once a week would be a dream-so far, I’ve whittled it down to calling every other day, and even that’s been a struggle 😅 I’ve only recently realized I need to unpack my relationship w/ my mom. It’s tricky to try to rethink the relationship with the parent who was “the nice one.”

@sunnyadams5842 12 күн бұрын

@@NP_is_not_here Have you guys checked out Jerry Wise here in You Tube?? His work has been really helpful in DIFFERENTIATION and INDIVIDUATING and getting my family of origin out of me. Best of Luck❤

@wangcheng5188 16 күн бұрын

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

@wangcheng5188 16 күн бұрын

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?

@wangcheng5188 16 күн бұрын

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

@the.masked.one.studio4899 15 күн бұрын

@@wangcheng5188 dude either you’re a scammer or being scammed. If you’re not the scammer, go to therapy and learn about codependency.

@user-xi5ol6xh4d 14 күн бұрын

How painful for you. It surprising that a sense of something wrong in your relationship was not evident. Look back to think about the quality of both of your communication skills to problem solve. It might not be too late. Express to her that your desire to resolve what issues have resulted in this separation. It might be a solution for both you and your Partner to resolve the issues that resulted in the separation. It might help to offer counselling or input to both from a Facilitator. Total forgiveness to one another could help to start over witho😊ut emotional baggage. Imagine success until it is apparent there is no trust or respect between you. Good luck.

@nataliaalfonso2662 12 күн бұрын

It’s only been a month. Chill.

@dorishaus400 Ай бұрын

What a great interview and also a wonderful overview! And a wonderful discussion here in the comments! Being the youngest of 10 children, with elderly parents who were just worn out not narcissistic, I was not nurtured or taught how to self soothe etc. So I am emotionally immature and I raised 2 sons and I realized now as a teenage parent I thought I did a good job but I passed on that emotional immaturity. I’m 60 now and my sons are 43 and 40 and are fathers with great jobs. But they both married emotionally immature women who have caused lots of drama and separation in our family. I’m grateful to live 4,000 miles away from all of them! I’m just keeping the peace on my side of the street to be able to see my grandchildren once a year. I’m working on accepting my responsibility and releasing any resentment towards my parents or siblings who have passed on. I’ve listened to this interview 3 times by myself and once with my husband. It was so eye opening to me! Like looking at my real self reflection in the mirror. Bringing it to my therapist attention on Thursday! Thanks so much Forrest for walking with all of us on this self discovery journey of healing and living the best life that was there for us as newborn babies before other stuff changed that. Grateful to connect with my little girl inside!! 💖

@toto-dh9dw 29 күн бұрын

Thanks for sharing... it gave me confirmation about my dad... he was last of 8th with mother exhausted due to being after war generation... i never blamed him but wondered what was wrong with him.... back in a day noone talked about it properly.. thry just diagnosed you with shitso and locked u up in hospital.. it took me 20 years study psychology to put this in my mind to rest. Thank you.such stuff noone learns in therapy. ... time shows it.. my father also learnt before he died. But he shut it down woth alkohol..wish he lived and we could talk about it

@lindaingalls8210 15 күн бұрын

I hear you!

@angelamossucco2190 Ай бұрын

I have been subconsciously recreating the kind of relationships where i ‘needed’ to become the role self. Until it became intolerable. Adult children can leave. (Kids cannot). But we adult ‘recreators’ must introspect learn and grieve to stop recreating a pattern we cannot solve. We cannot change or ‘help’ an immature person. Only they can change. So we must choose an emotionally mature person.

@ebbyc1817 21 күн бұрын

and be emotionally mature ourselves...

@user-vk9tn2ou9h 4 күн бұрын

I hope I hear about TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) surviving toddlers who became adults. How they are injustly being judged while they had been neglected by the health professionals and being labelled incorrectly with other Mental Ilness Labels and were never provided with proper care, healing and tools to be mature.

@TreasureDeal 7 күн бұрын

Having a narcissist for a mother who trained my daughter has had such an impact on my life. I didn't know about narcissists until about a year ago. So many things have come into focus now. Mother has passed and I've had to move 2 states away and go no contact with my daughter. I'll always love her but will not subject myself to the abuse again.

@AmbiLane998 6 күн бұрын

Same here, except my mother is still alive. Moved states away from them both

@reinas1713 6 күн бұрын

This sounds absolutely painful! Glad you are treating yourself well in establishing boundaries.

@AlisonChristian-bq4ws 5 күн бұрын

Same ! 🎉

@reneehouser2925 3 күн бұрын

My mother and daughter have finally decimated my life- Im 55 & can't take it anymore. Nothing in this world quite like a couple of full grown snotty violent 6 yrs olds interfering with every single aspect of your life. It's indescribable. The two of them have caused more damage and trauma than I would have ever thought humanly possible. I hope they get every blessing they deserve. I have been used, abused mentally, physically, financially, lied to, lied about, career interference, relationship meddling, digging through my phone, my house. A psychopath and a sociopath, a BPD & an NPD and my diagnosis is complete idiot sucker doormat rag.... I really thought I was alone in this- they make you believe that you're the problem as they show up at your job or your house on your paydays... and there's hell to pay if you don't hand over the money. Refuse to babysit? Well, now I'm not allowed to see the granddaughter I raised. Refuse to clean a hoard? Well then the adult grandkids will hear about what a jerk I am. It's always a lose/lose situation with severe consequence looming. I've lost everything now so I don't have to deal with any of it- the leeches have drained the life force and dropped off of my flesh.

@reinas1713 3 күн бұрын

@@reneehouser2925 What are your plans for the future?

@Bethy_anne 16 күн бұрын

At 31 I have just learned what is my problem. Now I have the knowledge to break down these old habits. Just thank you.

@alexpena8078 11 күн бұрын

Never too late!

@Mushroom321- 17 күн бұрын

We must realize when our energy gets drained by negative & by we put the healthy boundries! 🎉🎉

@MikkiPike Ай бұрын

kind of tired for relying on myself tbh, but I can at least acknowledge it is certainly nice to have that much security for myself. I know a decent relationship for me will come along at some point. it's just hard to feel like it's going to be anything other than another 3 decades before I once again feel the kind of happiness that made me realize who I am and what I want for myself in the first place. thank you for hosting another wonderful talk with seeds being planted for introspection. hope it helps others as well 💖

@kognitivescientist Ай бұрын

People are wired to have connection with each other and and feel accepted and involved in “tribe”/community. Where does relying on yourself coming from, as a role model? Why? It kinda makes society even more sick and therapists making more from lonely patients… What everyone should actually work on is a quality of own connections with others - if there is any questions in own dynamic there…

@Dawn-tv1bk 27 күн бұрын

Adults saying they don’t have a choice is a bit misleading. At some point they do have a choice. We all have a choice to make a right or wrong decision. They have the choice to grow up, to get help, to change. It’s just that some people choose not to grow up. Again, that’s a choice.

@Nikkithedoll 20 күн бұрын

Agreed Dawn 😉

@Nikkithedoll 20 күн бұрын

Dawn, I agree with you.

@crystalclear6864 17 күн бұрын

Only will They ask for help if they actually realise they have a problem.

@lauramartin8443 8 күн бұрын

You've got it, Crystalclear6864. A personality disorder may prevent them from understanding that their behavior is inappropriate. @@crystalclear6864

@Musecollective Ай бұрын

I was in a book club with Lindsay and others last April. She’s revolutionary and her writing is the most eye opening stuff I’ve read. (And I have read every self help book in existence since’87!😂) Life changing!

@aishawf 17 күн бұрын

So when is your self-help book coming out???😛

@scheitahnberg Ай бұрын

this video alone is doing such heavy lifting in understanding this topic. thank you so much

@jenniferdavoll8530 Ай бұрын

Hi Forrest - I have been listening to your podcast for a couple of years. Almost every single episode has resonated with me in some way and I want to thank you for all that you do. This episode with Dr Lindsay Gibson resonated with me most of all. One of my biggest struggles to date has been romantic relationships. I’ve had therapy, read endless books, journaled and listened to helpful podcasts. Maybe it was a matter of time and all of these things working together but I have to say I had the biggest AHA moments listening to this particular episode. Dr Gibson has a way of explaining things that makes so much sense. I absorbed every word and will listen to this several more times. It was also very validating. I am forever grateful you had her as a guest. Thank you again.

@ForrestHanson Ай бұрын

Thank you!

@Olivia-Scott 10 күн бұрын

My algorithm is hitting different atm. Thank you so much both.

@sonyadunbar3747 3 күн бұрын

I clicked like before I even listened. You had my attention just with the title alone. This has been my life with my Mom.

@gbdffr392 22 күн бұрын

59 years old and only now recognise that my parents have been and still are emotionally teenagers . 😱🤯😱

@sunnyadams5842 12 күн бұрын

58 here and 4 years in to the KNOWLEDGE that my parents are either Narcissists, Narcissistic or extremely immature. It played havoc on my life until 4 years ago.. i'm not sure which each of them is. What I DO KNOW is that doesn't matter. What matters is discovering my own fault lines and healing myself. I can't bring my parents up any longer. I was killing myself trying to set a good example ....for my parents!! Lol!!

@peaquakett 5 күн бұрын

What joy it is not only to receive such support, but to simply see the joy and humor in your eyes and smile; a beautiful amalgam of adult and cherished child!❤

@taramceown2919 4 күн бұрын

Omg this is both my mother and father and I still have no understanding or ability to predict their responses I have no close friends because I don’t understand peoples actions and emotional responses It’s easier to be alone than deal with constant anxiety in social situations

@kristinmeyer489 10 күн бұрын

53:02 When you annoy them, they are quick to let you know how imperfect you are, such that despite your intentionally sidestepping their abuse and trying to manage them from a distance, they make you out to be bad, because you are not pretending it's all good. You really can't do the double binds, but this is exactly what they want, and you learn this the hard way, as they tell themselves they're not hurting you, while telling others to "just ignore (you)", as you try elsewhere to seek the validation and support you desperately need.

@peacefulisland67 Ай бұрын

All my life I've been trying to understand emotions. For now, what keeps my attention and helps ease my suffering as an emotionally immature person (all of us have been kids and most become parents) is knowing my own parents were short-changed, and their parents as well. The echo carries on. When people genuinely express love toward me every fiber in my body cringes, goes numb, or stutters in confusion. It's entirely possible I may be this way for the rest of my life, but the question that snaps me out of self pity and depression is, "Can you (I) work with that?" At 57, realizing this isn't all my "fault" (like little kids think), and that most of my people generationally and linearly suffer or have suffered the same confusions and sorrow keeps me from isolation. Absolutely, I choose to deny or limit contact with family because of my lack of ability, but also, over the years I've seen how helpful it is to be with non-family to work out feelings or lack of them.

@Thursdaysindecember Ай бұрын

Receiving love can be so difficult when you were taught you were unlovable. Good for you to be insightful enough to realize this and work on it. Lean into the discomfort of being loved! Hopefully it will slowly lose its edge and you can truly feel the love of others or your own self love.

@jclyntoledo 26 күн бұрын

Therapy can also help with this especially DBT 😇.

@JohnGeranien Ай бұрын

Be loyal to yourself :)

@ladylo-fi6979 Ай бұрын

Excellent guest. Would you be open to a Part II of this that included people raised by emotionally immature parents telling their stories of how they eventually found healthy romantic relationships, how they had to change in order to do this, etc.?

@dorishaus400 Ай бұрын

I would love a part 2 also! My husband and I are both from large families, with emotionally immature parents, siblings and we are both emotionally immature! We just married 4 years ago, I was the first person he told about how he was abused in his family from his brother who was 13 years older than him. I listened to this podcast 3 times yesterday and then another time with my husband in the evening. We are both in childhood trauma therapy and I am bringing this podcast to her at my next appointment! This explains so much of what we are going through in our marriage. Thanks for suggesting a part 2!

@queenofclarity Күн бұрын

I used to believe I was emotionally immature when I left out of toxic relationships. I’m a peacemaker. I don’t like violence and I try to avoid it at all costs. When my adult daughter gets into these passive aggressive rages and when I calmly respond for her to stop the verbal abuse, she tries to provoke rage from me, so I leave. And abandonment is a part of our history. When I had her I was turning 20 years old, not ready but accepted my responsibility due to my poor decision making. Both of my parents were addicted to drugs. Both were absent and emotionally unstable. I tried hard not to resemble that behavior to the best of my abilities. My daughter holds me to the past, and I can no longer be her punching bag as I’m still healing my personal wounds, as well as trying to heal our relationship. She blames me for everything because her biological father has been absent her entire life. I get it all. I often feel guilty for having to walk away from her and try to remove myself knowing I’m responsible for her state of mind but I then have to tell myself that she is now a mom, and it is now her responsibility to heal for her own sake and to stop looking at me to keep blaming. I’ve held myself accountable and apologized continuously and it feels like she uses my ability to see the problem and it angers her because I’m actually doing the work and if I’m doing the work then who would she blame. I believe she wants to sit in this energy to emotionally manipulate people for support in the effort to make me the bad guy and isolate people from me. I’m not perfect. But I know when I’m being scapegoated for someone else’s satisfaction. I feel bad now that I know her state of mind and now she has a child and the child throws temper tantrums for everything and the way she responds matches his behavior and he’s a toddler 😢

@Thursdaysindecember Ай бұрын

Thank you. This is helping me in my years long recovery as the black sheep, the scapegoat, the joker, and the parent to the parents in my family of origin.

@bonniejeanbrock 29 күн бұрын

What a wonderful guest! I was noticing that a lot of the emotionally immature behavior Dr Gibson was discussing seems similar to the Parental Alienation syndrome that is so prevalent in our society.I was wondering if you could have a episode talking about the Parental Alienation that is affecting so many children of divorced parents. It would be so interesting!

@marshad.9149 10 сағат бұрын

The title is why i bought the book I didn’t even know if that was what was going on with my parents, but it rang true. And after reading it, it has taught me so much about protecting myself and what healthy reactions look like. It’s explained why I respond the way I do. And how to change that. Thanks Dr Lindsay.

@Mari3.14 3 күн бұрын

I am so grateful for this video. I grew up with emotionally immature mother, I am 45 now and I don’t communicate with her. Any my childhood moments that I can remember were traumatic 😢

@nadalia832 Ай бұрын

What an incredibly meaningful experience it was listening to this! Thank you Forest and thank you to your guest, Dr. Gibson. Btw, your final summary is always amazingly helpful in reviewing all the main points and connecting all the dots!

@ForrestHanson Ай бұрын

Really appreciate it

@jazz_honey 9 күн бұрын

She is incredible I've learned so much from her and her books, in regards to my parents. She describes the experience and behaviour so well and I'm able to learn more about myself. 🙏

@-bingy- 3 күн бұрын

watching this to see if its worth it to continue communicating and coping with my friends and seeing that I'm also part of the cycle, but growing out of it as I'm continuing in therapy🙃

@annklonl5207 21 күн бұрын

I've been in therapy since 2018 after a huge breakdown. Therapy has helped in some ways, esp. trauma therapy, DBT and somatic therapy. Interviews or educational talks such as this one, where explanations of so much of the normal things that a developing mind does, are seriously more helpful than my talking therapy! Thank you so much!

@thecanopybookclub8752 18 күн бұрын

This woman saved my sanity with her books. Thank you ❤

@jenpearlman9133 Ай бұрын

Thank you. This podcast made me cry because it resonated so much. I wished I had a therapist like her early in my life. I'm going to read her book.

@cheristanley7711 6 күн бұрын

I was very emotional child my whole life, still am! And was so scared my whole life. I was confused and was constantly looking for someone to help me with it.

@Sarahwithanh444 Ай бұрын

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! Lindsay Gibson’s book has been instrumental in my healing, I cannot speak highly enough of her! I’m so happy you had her on the podcast, thank you for such a deep and rich conversation 🙏🙏

@kaoutar6921 18 күн бұрын

Hi which one plz

@Rebecca0010 12 күн бұрын

I was watching this broadcast today about Mother Hunger when YT streamed into this episode so seamlessly. I’m accepting this right now, like letting myself feel it.

@kkane3428 3 күн бұрын

I’m dealing with a Mother/Daughter duo who are both emotionally immature and deeply enmeshed. They feed off each other’s emotions & energy and the circumstances surrounding them people are distancing themselves from them and their family. They are super concerned about what others think about them. I’m moving in a few months, but I’m concerned about the girl who is physically 25 but level emotional maturity is about 5. This video helps me understand what is going on.

@NurturePalettePlayASMR 9 сағат бұрын

Forrest! I’m a long time listener to your podcast and first time commenter. I just wanted to say that you and your dad make such an amazing team, and I have benefitted in so many ways from your content. It is brilliant, helpful and healing in its own right and it’s been an incredible resource to me in my own healing journey. I also really rate the work of Lindsay Gibson and I am fairly well versed in her writing but this is one of the best interviews I’ve seen with her. Super clear, super concise and helpful insights. Thank you! I just felt moved to share my appreciation

@christafurden Күн бұрын

Now that’s what I call an interview! First time viewer of this guy and I’m subscribing. He asked the same questions I was thinking and only added to the depth of answers. No responses felt forced or like he was floundering to match wit/energy. Phenomenal job my guy 👏

@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 Ай бұрын

I'm so happy that you had her in the podcast, I literally cried and hopped in joy when this episode popped up in my feed! I'm not exaggerating when I say her book saved my life, seriously. It came at just the right time, when I was at my lowest, and made everything in my life so far make so much sense, what was wrong, what was missing... And how to start recovering from it. And, funnily enough, yesterday I finally decided I needed to let go of my healing fantasy once and for all, I can't believe how timely everything is! And Dr Gibson is such a joy to be around, her delivery is great and lighthearted and it was evident you two had a great time with this conversation. Thank you so much Forrest!

@pensiveidea 28 күн бұрын

Thank you, particularly for the concise and contextual summary at the end.

@Chi100Maria 2 күн бұрын

Dr. Gibson is great, I enjoyed the practical aspect of the conversation, I've got so many dots connected! But also, the summary, the after-the-talk talk was Brilliant, Forrest Hanson! Thank you! ❤

@kriskelley3562 Ай бұрын

This was wonderful and helpful. Thank you for putting so much work on putting out these videos

@bethraflowers5799 Ай бұрын

❤❤❤ Yep, this was my childhood experience. Thank you for this video. This is really going to help me see more clearly what is REALLY going on in my emotional reactions.

@punyashloka4946 25 күн бұрын

Yeah thats explains my father and his behavior 🙄, I have adopted some of his unhealthy coping mechanism. Luckily I am self aware and working on my healing so that I can move forward in life. Thank you for this interview.

@ricalina4371 Ай бұрын

Brilliant conversation! Brilliant recap! thank you 🙏

@joanfolds476 2 күн бұрын

I actually purchased the book back in 2016. It is excellent! The only needs that were met in my family of origin were physical (e.g., food, clothing, etc.). The mental, psychological, social, and intellectual, were unconsciously omitted. Status was very important to my late mother. She wanted to be the best mother in the world (perfectionistic). But she didn't have the internal capacity to display any of the necessary characteristics.

@HealthyPriestessSophie 29 күн бұрын

I suffered severe depression several years ago. I could remember several years ago after divorce with my husband which brought me into my disastrous journey on Alcohol and cigarettes. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with cptsd. Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.

@AlfredBrown-rk8se 29 күн бұрын

Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episodeenough to start working on my mental health

@ChristianMaxwell-sz6bf 29 күн бұрын

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

@DamsonIdris-rh6sx 29 күн бұрын

Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

@Vuitton-uj1hz 29 күн бұрын

He’s on instaa?

@Vuitton-uj1hz 29 күн бұрын

He’s on instaaa?

@annak6537 Ай бұрын

What a wonderful guest - thank you very much!

@leahcortez8685 Ай бұрын

Thank you so much 😮❤🎉 I am closer to feeling free.

@zenmagda 16 күн бұрын

This was soooo eye opening for me, OMG! Thank you Forrest!

@laurienguyen6236 Ай бұрын

This episode have been so validating in so many aspects of my life right now.

@lomigreen Ай бұрын

This conversation is so rich. I learned a lot and feel inspired and empowered. Thank you 😊

@patriciaedwards6972 Ай бұрын

Brilliant...very affirming. Thank you!

@maryanncerato-dominick 2 күн бұрын

Absolutely brilliant recap at the end-concise and thorough.

@rsh793 Ай бұрын

I loved her reflection on the title story - I would have heen mortified too to start with but isn't it amazing how a simple title that talks to people works 😊

@L4LA0412 Ай бұрын

I really like the dynamic of this conversation. Very enjoyable and informative. This kind of podcast that hard to find on KZfaq. Deep respect and oppreciates for Hanson and Dr.Lindsay's effort to delivered the knowledges and informations very well. :)

@rubberbiscuit99 24 күн бұрын

Thank you for this. Wonderful conversation. And your comments after the interview about growth and the pain of unhealthy relationships (that gets worse as we get more mature), resonated so much.

@gdmnsdgl 8 күн бұрын

this is precisely what I needed to hear at this specific point in my life. Thank you.

@kaoutar6921 18 күн бұрын

Thank you Forrest. You are so intelligent when it comes to asking questions and analysing things . Keep up .

@lmansur1000 24 күн бұрын

Forrest: so wonderful with the questions you bring up! Truly amazing in how you clarify them and so very helpful! '

@Rose-gm9mm Ай бұрын

Thank you Forrest.. I think this was by far your best podcast!

@ForrestHanson Ай бұрын

Glad you enjoyed it!

@Diana-jx1ju Ай бұрын

Very meaningful, worthwhile listening for someone like me who has struggled with intimacy. Thankyou for these conversations.

@aresedgar 21 күн бұрын

Yes. This book was very helpful to me. Thank You for your work.

@afraglynn 4 күн бұрын

What a grsat conversation! And questions were spot on too! Thank you

@legionjames1822 10 күн бұрын

These people always blame the kids or spouse for everything they are doing wrong. Its very dissapointing. Heart breaking even.

@ingrid3578 Ай бұрын

I had read her book last year and it was life-changing. Dr. Gibson is great. She's extremely knowledgable and calm while being compassionate.

@krrowthemyuii 29 күн бұрын

16:55 My parents would actually TELL me that I was the problem. I didn't just assume that. They would say I was annoying, loud, too sensitive, a burden, too needy, boring, a "party pooper", a scardey cat/ checken, stupid/ dumb/ r-tarded, weird, etc. They would blame me for stuff I didn't do, and got really angry or made fun of me for accidents and mistakes. So I believed very deeply that I was defective and should never have existed. I think my parents were beyond just "emotionally immature" but Dr. Gibson's books definitely made me more aware of and gave me a name for that aspect of their behavior. Reading the book Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, many times I stopped and thought, "Wow, this feels as if someone followed my family around and used it as a case study!" It was so accurate in so many ways.

@soumyajoseph7429 24 күн бұрын

I saw that my parents were bad spouses (to each other). I think I flew under the radar most of my childhood because my parents were generally fighting with each other.

@UnacceptableTee Ай бұрын

Excellent content. As someone who has had emotionally immature parents; along with abuse and neglect; and have found I tend to attract and I’m attracted to those with narcissistic traits; emotionally immature; and those with extreme dismissive avoidant styles ( or personality disorders). I’m HSP; very empathic and have felt enough pain in two relationships and finally woke up and started focusing on why do I find myself in these situations when all I have done is tried to comply; work harder; and placate to whatever need they have; while mine went unmet. I didn’t even ask or maybe even understand I had any needs. I would love to hear more about how to determine what is a reasonable needs of a partner. When you have been living for others needs all your life; and some of these “ needs” seem impossible and unreasonable and tend to be me needing control others that aren’t doing what they expect them to do; it feels like a no win; set me up for failure kind of request as I cannot control others and I don’t want to. At 48 min in this vid; I feel that may be what I’m hearing is not my responsibility. Which I have been trying to explain to him. To maintain his self esteem ( which is why he pursued me) and control others in the home (soothe any of his frustrations) Like walking on eggshells. He is so focused on others and I have asked him to focus on himself as he’s got a lot to heal and deal with.

@polarjeez 19 күн бұрын

I've probably spent thousands of hours listening to "therapy videos" and this conversation between the two of you has been life changing. I've never felt so heard and validated. I really feel like the both of you understand and have made me not feel like a "bad person" for attempting to have distance from my family after realizing how emotionally immature my mother was. I've been struggling with the constant punishment, cohersion, guilt, shame, etc that my family has put on my during this time. It's very hard for people dealing with a parent like this to allow themselves to put themselves first and not feel guilty for pursuing that distance. My family is simply stunted and that's on them to heal, I can see patterns of emotional immaturity in myself too and I want to be so much better. This has been incredible healing and validating for me. I've ordered 3 of Dr. Gibson's works and subscribed to your channel as well. I'm really looking forward to the insight that I gain from the both of you. Thank you ❤

@Hinz2005 Күн бұрын

Wonderful interview. I had not heard of her until today. Thank you!

@carospereman3537 8 күн бұрын

dealing w/emotionally immaturity.... really good vid on the subject. I awakened to the fact that my father was a narcissist and mother was borderline. Absolutely showed no love. I was so unconscious to this reality but my brother saw it and often spoke about it. I thought he was nuts because the bread crumbs I got I thought was huge love and took it that way. My older sisters took it another way and became narcissist themselves giving their kids no connection or love. It pains me that they are unconscious to their own behaviors and in their eyes will always be inferior.

@resdid805 7 күн бұрын

Incredible information!!!! Life changing. THANK YOU!❤

@Mr.K.Crowley 17 күн бұрын

I can't express how useful, insightful and relevant that interview was for me and my past relationship. Unfortunately I realized some of the things too late. Thank you so much for this video.

@healwithmusic93 17 күн бұрын

I love this podcast.... It's top quality and the way you don't associate real people but work through some conceived perception is really awesome too. ❤