"Objectively I am fine, so why am I not?" I can relate

When dodie was trying not to cry it broke my heart :(

Sometimes I actually believe I'm a side character in a book.

Psilocybin containing mushrooms saved my life. The drastically reduced my benzodiazepine withdrawal allowing me to quite illicit pill addiction after three years of heavy daily use before it would had became medically dangerous to quit. It has also helped me survive depression.

i get depersonalization every few months or so,usually when im really depressed.its the scariest thing ever,you feel like a ghost just watching a movie but that movie is your life and you cant feel or hear anything properly and anything you say sounds like its from a different person and you are so aware of what everyone thinks of you,,its terrifying

4:06 broke my heart. i've had that exact same feeling. i think we all wish we could turn back time to when we were younger and things seemmed okay.

"When I'm visiting my old home, I'm not visiting 2012, I'm just visiting a house I used to live in. But it's 2016, I'm 21 - and I feel different now" 💔

Seeing that everyone is opening up about their own problems, I just want a huge group hug with everyone here

The most difficult part is to find out whether you are just a spoiled, sheltered brat who needs a slap from the real world or you actually need help from professionals. While I recognise symptoms associated to mental disorders such as depression and anxiety, I do not experience more serious symptoms like panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, making me doubt my own suspicions about the possibility of having mental problems. I honestly cannot tell if I am just seeking attention at this very moment and what I am doing is an insult to people who truly suffer, or I actually need to find a therapist. The counsellor from my previous school is on holiday at the moment and I don't really want to bother her, so I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

It's so sad that we can't explain our mental illness without trying to frantically explain that we aren't high or aren't on drugs. I dunno it's something I and others have had to say before when explaining how I feel. It's upsetting.

I'm not alone? Depersonalization is real?

I always get depersonalization at the most weird moments. I'll always be at a friend's house or out at the pool and I just can't function. It's not because of anxiety that I can put my finger on because I don't feel scared I just feel very blank. My eyes sort of glaze over and I end up sitting in a corner for the rest of the night. Sometimes I can barely talk because my words all get jumbled. It's very on and off though and it only occurs very rarely and only for about an hour or so.

You're a very good egg

I am pretty sure that none of us were going "just shut up and turn it off". I think a good large section of us were thinking "Oh God please talk to a professional you need support please we love you"

I know this video is really old, but I've been feeling the same lately and this just really helped me and made me feel less alone

i broke down at 4:15.

Dodie, no one's judging you or thinking you're a fraud or attention seeking.

I'm thirteen. I've had suicidal thoughts before, and now I feel like I'm already dead, which is worse. I cried a lot before, but now I feel numb. At night, I can't sleep, and I stare into the darkness for hours, thinking thoughts that really hurt. Sometimes I cry, and it's the biggest relief. Sometimes I have panic attacks, and honestly, they make me feel more normal, because at least that reaction to my depressing thoughts seems more appropriate than being numb. Sometimes I have anxious episodes and think everyone's judging me. Sometimes I welcome death and sometimes I fear it because my life so far has been lived deep in an ocean where there's no one and I haven't had an effect on anyone's life, so if I die I'll have died having had a completely pointless existence of pain. I understand so many things that my mind can't handle. I'm sinking, but I can't tell which way's up. I only know I'm sinking because of the voices that tell me I am. People say they're in my head. That's just an ignorant way of saying the voices are me. Ignorance is bliss. I wish I were ignorant.

“I just wanted to get into my old bed in my old room and feel normal again.” That alone made me almost start to cry but the way she sounded while she tried to fight back tears is what made me cry.

When you said "you're problems are not insignificant" i kinda just broke down

"I will find a cure" I wish it was that easy, you said that you're happy that some people don't understand because it means they don't feel this way and never have. To me that's one of the worst parts, people not knowing, not understanding and not even trying to understand. People only see what you let them and not what's actually going on inside and that sucks because if I have a broken arm everyone goes "ooh poor Luke he broke his arm" but when you're so depressed you don't have the energy to get out of bed but you can't even sleep people always seem to think that just "getting over it" is an option, but it's never that easy. Even other people with mental illnesses won't be able to understand properly, depression and anxiety are different for everyone and people get it in different severities and none of it is fair at all. More often than I'd care to admit I'll end up crying and screaming begging to know why I'm not normal, wanting to know why it happened to me, what I did to deserve it all but because they are questions without answers it usually just makes me feel worse. I know I'm far from perfect and I know I'm an asshole but I still feel like I don't really deserve everything that has happened to me, and I know I need to talk about it more but when I say thing like this fact to face to someone I either shut down and can't say anything or just cry. I try to joke about everything because that makes it somewhat easier but when it comes to my childhood even trying to joke about it often breaks me. I don't want to just complain to everyone but I know I need to learn to be more open but in my defence, I'm much more open about life than I use to be but I don't like feeling that all I'm I doing is complain to everyone Sorry if anyone actually read all of this I just needed to vent

"How can you fight it when the it is the thing you're using to fight with?" - Dodie Clark This is going in my book of quotes

When you almost started crying I felt a bit of me die

I've been having the "drunk" feeling for several months now. Almost like I'm numb and I find myself constantly feeling like this isn't real. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

One of my friends one day sayed she was starting to not see, not like blurry or not seeing in the distance, just not seeing. So her mother took her to the doctors and theymade her talk about it and stuff like making her look to letters of different typos and the doctors sayed she was making all up and that she was perfect. She insisted on her mother saying that she was telling the true and that she didn't actually see and her mother took her to another doctor where they looked at her brain (idk). It turned out she had a tumor in her head that was making her lose vision and it was squashing the gland that makes you grow up and puberty and stuff. She could only see with 40% of one eye and with 70% of the other eye. He spent like 3 months in hospital. If her mom hadn' listened to her she could had ended blind and looking like a 9 year old child for the rest of her life

I always feel like I'm in movie. If I talk to someone it feels staged and odd, like its unreal. Everything feels so distant in that moments.

You are not crazy. I feel the exact same. I can’t talk properly, I can’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror sometimes, and I feel detached from the world. A few days ago, my friend told me he had a panic attack. Then, I talked about it with my other friend. She told me to calm down and relax, because there’s nothing I can do about his panic attacks. But, I couldn’t, my heart has been pounding really fast and really hard lately. I don’t recognize myself anymore and I just feel like I’m in a dream. I don’t even know why I’m typing this right now. No ones gonna read it but I just wanted to tell someone. Bye, I hope it gets better. Also, I’m really confused about my sexuality. I don’t even know if I like guys anymore. But do I like girls? Do I like everyone? Do I like different kinds of people? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m sorry, to anyone reading this, if you have gotten this far. I just had to tell someone or at least know that I tried to. I’m sorry 07/01/19

I'm going to the doctors soon but I'm 13 and I'm so scared that they'll patronize me and tell me that I'm fine and i should just go on walks or something

God, you're so wonderfully important.

It's quite worrying how you went to see someone when you were 16 and they thought you were making it up. If anyone ever says that, YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT UP. Your experiences and feelings are valid. You know yourself better than anyone, and if you know something is up, IT PROBABLY IS and don't let anyone make you feel as though you don't know yourself. Know thyself and all that.

I feel like im going schizophrenic, i cant stop having anxiety attacks, I’m so obsessed with my dpdr that I cant stop thinking about it. Quarantine isn’t helping at all. We can get through this. 😔

For me depersonalization started when I was sick over my summer break which wasn’t to long ago and I really don’t want to stress anyone in my family about it and they ask me how I feel and I don’t know how to respond because I personally don’t know how I feel I really do feel like I’m not alive and I still to this day do not know what to do and it really does make me upset because I want to be able to feel things again how I used to so I can completely relate to this video i have not had this for a year I’ve only had it for almost 2 months now

4:15-4:20 is me at my therapist...even the "dammit!" I cry at everything haha..then get angry at me crying at everything

Nothing in this video sounded like you were trying to just get attention...thank you for validating your fan's problems...but please know that your problems are valid as well. You are so brave and I'm so impressed by you

back to watching this because i’m struggling even now 6 years later

When i'm "sad" (as my mum calls it) She says "Why can't you be a NORMAL child!?" "be happy!" "smile!" "act happy!" a c t... Right.. She gives out to me for being "sad"

4:15 makes me so sad

the moment when you tried not to cry broke my heart♡

I know I'm five years late to this, but you described it perfectly. I've been feeling like this since a spike of anxiety a month ago. It's so tiring and so terrifying. I get the feeling I've died a couple of days ago and now I'm in some weird limbo.

I've experienced depersonalization only once, and it might have been the most terrifying experience I've ever had. I think it was like my brain trying to ignore my ptsd, but I felt completely insane. I'm lucky it hasn't happened again.

It's just astounding how many people will want to hug you after watching this video

i have anxiety and depression as well these super deep thoughts that really freak me out ??? it sounds confusing but i randomly think things like "am i even alive" or "am i imagining my entire life, is anything even real" and sometimes i feel like i'm the only person alive if that makes sense. i know i sound crazy i just need to rant lmao. another thing recently that has been freaking me out is how fast time goes. like you think about a certain event or day for so long, for example, my the 1975 concert. it was november 22nd of this year. i was looking forward to it for so long and then boom, it's over. that's so crazy to me. time just moves so fast it scares me. i've gotten really off topic but i just need to say what i'm feeling and get it off my chest.

This is the best description of derealization ive heard. this is me.

I'm so afraid to feel like this one day. I know that most people get depressed these days and I'm scared that I will too. I see these videos and relate to a minimal amount of it and I'm happy about that. Just a little personal thing. dodie is amazing and so strong! She's doing so well now! :')

this is so fucking important to me. i don't know why this hits me so hard but i relate to this so intensely. "when the it is the thing you're fighting with" it's so hard. when depression is in your brain so deeply rooted it's eating at your happiness, you can't fight it. mental illness is in your brain. it is invading everything you are because your brain is everything. it really is like a bad dream 24/7 and everything is dulled. sorry for ranting.

I am going through something like this. I feel like nothing is real. My entire life is just a movie and I'm an audience member watching it on the screen. Everytime I do something, I doubt it really happened. Nothing is real. This is all a dream. There's no point. We don't exist. Everything feels like a deam.I know it's real and I know it's all happening, but it just doesn't feel like it is for me. I laugh, eat, sleep, and do everything I would normally do. But when I get even a second to think to myself I fall into this hole of 'nothing exists. you aren't here.' and I can't get out. No one has said anything because I keep acting normally. I tried bringing it up to my parents but they just said 'huh. that's odd.' and left it. I'm so scared. What do I do? I want to feel normal. I don't know what this is but I want it to stop. I want to go back to how I was. I want to fee alive. I want to be able to enjoy life again.Someone please help me and tell me what I should do. I'm lost.I look around and I know they feel normal. They can just live in the moment. But I can't. I'm just stuck thinking 'I'm gonna die and nothing will matter. nothings even real.'I'm kinda freaking out. But when I start to have a full blown 'oh my god what the living hell am I supposed to do??' moment, my brain just says "it's not real so you have no reason to freak out." and then goes into a shut down mode where I can't feel anything but terror.Someone please help me and tell me what I'm supposed to do.

When this video came out, I was in a really bad place too. Watching it now is so strange; I’m in a better place but I’m not properly better just yet. But thank you for making me feel less alone when I needed it Dodie

I feel you. I feel every word you said. I'm sending a HUGE hug from Portugal and I hope you feel better now. Don't feel ashamed, don't hide in a corner, seek help, go find your friends and treat yourself. It's my best advice. Love you

Depersonalization is SCARY. Mine started recently. (at least to the point where i noticed because I've always felt like i was not in my body... That my body wasn't mine). Ive been feeling numb and as if I am physically floating within my "body" for months now. When ever i have panic attacks it gets BAD!!!!! I get nauseous and really dizzy because "I'm floating within myself" Anyways I've found that if I try focus on the real world and try to focus on feeling the world it kinda tones down the symptoms.

fucking hell dodie I'm crying so much I know exactly how you feel all I want is my old happy little bed and my old happy little life and my old happy little me

God I love this video.. I watch it at least once a day. In times when I feel terrible and depressed, I’ll just watch this and realize how much dodie has gone through. You’re so strong and amazing, keep doing what you😃

i feel like those background characters in Harry Potter that are unimportant and nonrelevant and just referred to as something like "a Ravenclaw girl" and I'm like a side character in my own life idk it's weird and im trying to use my fandom to explain how i feel daily ndcjnrlcjenocnwodndlciao

*Dodie starts tearing up* *I burst into tears*

I had a similar experience with a doctor. When I was 9 or 10, I began having what I know now were panic attacks. My whole body would go numb, I would shake, cry, it felt like the whole world was collapsing in on me. So my mom took me to the doctor, because she thought maybe I was having seizures or something. They ran a bunch of tests, and they all came back fine. I was healthy. But I wasnt, and I knew I wasnt and when the doctor came back with the test results with the conclusion "You're perfectly healthy, its all in your head" I felt lost. The panic attacks didn't stop. I felt helpless. This is why mental illness awareness is SO SO SO important. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you the best of luck in finding true happiness again. You are so strong, you can do it ♥️

I have been watching videos/vlogs on depression and anxiety all night and this one is the most real I've seen. Thank you for putting yourself out there for all to see. It's brave and inspiring. Thank you again from someone who knows how you feel. Thank you. Side note, I didn't realize this was 3 years ago. I hope things have gotten easier and know that we are with you.

dodie it warms my heart so much to see your videos and hear you talk, it reminds me so much of how I feel myself, and the fact that you are still here and is doing this youtube thing and talking openly about all these things is soo important and amazing and I LOVE YOU and I hope that you will never give up and never stop being exactly who you are

You are not nearly crazy. Thank you so much for sharing this means a lot to a lot of teens struggling and thank you for letting us know about you and sharing yourself. I hope you are doing okay, I hope you can be okay

i love you dodie you're so important

i come back to this video from time to time. every time i'm feeling kind of lost, i always come to dodie's channel and songs and i'm still lost, but i feel better. it's been long since i haven't felt like myself. and this video feels like a hug for me. maybe that's sickening, maybe it's not, who knows. but if it wasn't because of dodie, those dark times where i felt nothing at all would have been way worse. thank you so much for always being you.

Can't believe how I've felt so moved by your words, I'm really struggling from persistent depressive disorder and the way you describe your feelings and your plans ...I definatly relate to the strange world, foggy mind, dream like state experience. You make so much sense to me.

It's so scary feeling that strange and you can't explain it. I'm glad more people are being open with their symptoms and feelings so people who are going through the same thing can see that it's happening to others too. Good luck in your recovery !

Man I feel this so much. I went to the doctors 3 times in one day before because I got told Anxiety wasn't a big enough problem and I wept on the walk home. It's so so hard to describe to someone what it's like, everything is huge. You opening up is literally amazing I don't wanna sound patronising but that's fab. Honestly. Use the people around you, it's okay to. That's what they are there for. Remember we're all here. I don't know what more I can say. Also random but if anyone is Uni age and applying for DSA and needs help hit me up (message me or something) I'm here to help :) I've gone through almost every shitty part xxx

Dodie, I know you made this video over two years ago, but I am just finding it now and honestly the timing is perfect. Hearing you talk about depersonalization helped me a lot as I have recently realized after talking with my therapist that I’ve been dealing with the same thing. So thank you for talking about it, it’s definitely a lesser known aspect of mental illness and should be discussed more. I hope you have a wonderful day!

It's crazy how your openness has helped so much people to relate. You are helping so much people!

Ok 4:14 makes me cry everytime

I've dealt with derealisastion and depersonalisation my whole life. I always felt like my life was a movie but I could tell who I was and everything, I was pretty much fine.It really got worse when my dad died, but the weird part is, the only time when I've ever truly felt I was in my body was when I was crying at his funeral. Everything was real and vivid, and as soon as I stepped out of there, it was like a dream. I've never gotten out of this dream, I can kind of tell I'm here, but it feels as though I'm not controlling myself. It's hard to explain, it if you've ever felt it you would understand. I hate it and sometimes I wish I could experience the world as it is and not like I'm looking through a bad quality camera. Playing guitar and watching your videos bring me into the world a little more, but I'm never truly here.

Just stumbled across this. Wow. Thank you for opening up and being honest and talking about such a difficult subject. Mental health is important, and people take ot for granted until they spiral down. I'm currently struggling with anxiety and depression. They are very difficult to explain to people that havent experienced it. Thank you for putting yourself out there and reminding us that no one is perfect, but everyone deserves love and respect.

Thank you so much for sharing these videos about your struggles with mental health, there’s just not enough videos with people who I can relate to but I’m happy to find this

The problem with going to a therapist is that it's so expensive and at the moment, I cannot afford it. I have to save up my money and then I can go. I had some unexpected large costs a few months that kinda threw me under. Gotta build that back up.

I feel you on this. thanks for talking about mental illness :3

I stumbled upon a video of yours on you publishing your book and I watched it and was drawn in immediately because I understood how you felt because I went through it for 3 years straight with no relief and I don’t remember any of that 3 years because I wasn’t there. I picked up your book and reading through it I find myself highlighting things and crying because holy crap I thought I was the only one and that I was crazy. I feel saved knowing its not only me. I’m reading this part of your book right now for the second time!.❤️❤️❤️❤️thank you seriously, you have no idea.. you talking publicly about your struggle is so brave and you save people.

You. Are. So. Strong. You have been through so much, and yet here you are, still living, still thriving, still thinking positive. You are an inspiration to us all and I am so grateful that you have decided to share your story with us. You have helped me realize that it's totally okay not to feel happy all the time, that it's normal. That there are ups and downs in every person's life. That being positive isn't being happy all the time, it's knowing that when hard times come that better ones are ahead. You truly have helped me see my mental illnesses in a different light and I will be forever in your debt.

Guuuurl. All too relatable. Especially when you were talking about going back to visit your old family home. So sorry to hear that you've been struggling but it's nice to know that I'm not alone with these feelings and experiences. This video (and your other videos related to mental health) are going to be so helpful to a lot of people. Thank you for continuing to share parts of your story. Sending you lots of love!!

I love you dodie. not like in a romantic way or anything obviously but as person to another person.

Is it anxiety and depression when every time you try to talk about your feelings, it's like they are shoved into the walls of your throat so you keep your mouth cemented shut to stop you from bursting? Is it anxiety and depression when you have to scribble circles or lines or dots on your homework and then jab yourself in the hand with the same pen during class? Is it anxiety and depression when you are constantly in a dreamscape and all the lights are too bright and every single thing is buzzing around you but you know you can't be in it so you'd rather be invisible? Is it anxiety and depression when you you keep these negative words in your head that you keep chanting to yourself whenever your put in a situation where you know you're not good enough? Is it anxiety and depression when once everyone sees you crying and begins to ask if your ok, your knees give way and you collapse because all of your emotions are working at once and they're weighing you down like there's a cannonball in your backpack? Is it anxiety and depression when you have to build a wall of false positivity to shelter your insecurities whilst trying to keep your friends close by, but really, you just keep adding more and more bricks to it and it's just separating you from them... And your worst fear... Is losing them?

I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and along with that I suffer from Derealisation/depersonalisation day in, day out... sometimes it gets worse for short episodes but it’s there all the time. I made a video about it where I showed a clip of me in a bad episode and it’s weird to watch :/ I feel weird, I feel broken, I am tired of seeing and hearing things no one else can perceive and I am sick of being in this bloody dream world all the time. It sucks so I totally understand you...

I can't believe a doctor would tell you that you were making your mental illness up ugh. It's so disappointing that mental illness is brushed off by some doctors just like that. You should definitely attempt to seek out someone who will be more understanding and give you an actual diagnosis other than just "making it up". Good luck, Dodie. I hope you'll feel much better and happier soon

Dodie, thank you so so much for making this video. I can relate to this on so many levels, life seems like an eternal dream, but not in a positive way. Everything seems new and weird and unusual like I am an alien visiting this world for the first time, not familiar with basic human emotions. I came back from my trip to America yesterday. It was my first time flying, first time out of Europe and first time in another country on my own. It was an amazing trip, we went to New York, I celebrated my birthday there... You would think I would feel amazing, on top of the world, inspired. But instead, I felt nothing. I am a skin without a soul, the eyes without the sparkle. The flame has been blown out and I can't find any matches. My mom doesn't take me seriously, my dad doesn't even know and although my friends love me and care for me, they aren't therapists. When school starts again I'll go to my counsellor and see if he/she can help me get in touch with a therapist. Again, thank you so much. It is good to know I am not the only one feeling this way and I hope that one day we all can feel "normal" again.

Watching these videos helps so much! I came to this video because I was freaking out about what’s going on in my head and whether I’ll ever get back to normal, but seeing other people saying how they feel, and it being how I feel is so helpful and makes me feel less alone, even though my brain says I am

Im so glad I found your channel, I've never met or seen anybody who feels the same way as me, down to the last detail even the whole thing about needing anything familiar so you can feel normal again like you did at the time of the familiar thing or memory, I've been stuck in my house for 4 years, that's when it started and I feel like I look as weird as I feel like I don't look human any more and I feel like I don't know how to do anything normal even down to blinking walking anything, it made me cry when I watched this video not just knowing I'm not the only one, but also because I understand what you're going through I felt your pain, I haven't been to a doctor about anything other than depression and anxiety and body dismorphia disorder, because I feel like they'll shrug it off as they did with you, anyways thankyou for you're stories you are amazing, and I hope we can one day feel like ourselves again 🙏🏼

Hey Dodie. I just needed to say that you're so brave and amazing. I think this video will help other people. I don't know if you've heard of this but it can be calming if you're feeling down or stressed, It's called tapping. You pretty much tap certain areas on your body (lol this sounds really weird) whilst thinking/saying that it's okay to feel like this and then you normally end it on a happy note. I'm the worst at explaining things but you can google it.

Depersonalisation is the worst feeling in the world, I still suffer from it today at times when I get really anxious or worried. I thought I was going mental for ages until I researched into what was happening. I thought I felt lightheaded but I realise now it's completely different. It feels like your observing yourself from outside of your body and it's not nice at all because you know your talking but you can't register that you are. It's like your part of yourself but your not. I've found ways to cope now, basically I make sure that I stay hydrated all the time if I'm in a social situation and I try to find things around me to stabilise myself to make sure I "stay in my own head" like I make sure I don't panic when it kicks in, I make sure I look around me and see the room I want to stay in. I felt like this before I ever felt drunk so I never realised the similarities until the first time I got drunk, then I freaked out. Trust me when I say this

I do believe that you are among one of my greatest hero’s dodie. It’s so helpful and nice to have someone just speak up and be so open about these things. And it takes guts and I love you so much and I wish the world for you❤️

I hope you are feeling better now and that the therapist helps you - I know this is so difficult to deal with. Thank you so much for sharing your story. We are all here for you and you are so valuable. Meditation and hobbies are so helpful. Love you

This is exactly how I've been feeling for the past year or so. It stated when I was 12 and it's slowly been getting harder and harder to deal with. Up until now I didn't know what it was of how to describe it, but you've put it into words and I wanted to let let you know that I understand how you're feeling, and I hope that one day you'll feel better, as I hope that one day I will too

I am so happy you've uploaded a video about this!! Makes people aware of depersonalisation and how u shouldn't feel crazy or weird because the brain is just odd and sometimes u can't help what u think

Even though this was posted almost a year ago, I still feel so freaking proud that Dodie felt able to make and post this video. Thank you Dodie, you're beautiful and amazing xx

I'm finding this video again after 6 years.. and I'm Soo filled with love seeing how you are doing now- how much you've learned and healed and it makes me so hopeful and makes me smile. Bless your younger self, bless all our selves that were and are still in this beginning stage of trying to figure the fuck out what's going on. 🙏 I think I'm dealing with derealization depersonalization too, and i started to look at it more seriously because of you- same story with thinking I'm making this up, etc . All the love 💜🫂🫂🫂

Oh my god Dodie you are SO not insane. I don't think I've ever related so much to a video. The way you describe that feeling, I understand that feeling. I feel like my whole life is a mess, I feel like I'm watching a movie and I don't like the movie because it makes me sad and uncomfortable so I want to turn the movie off but I can't because I have to finish the movie. I so understand how you feel. I always tell myself that I need to stop and realize that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am being stupid for no reason. I wish I could put this feeling into words. Thank you for putting this into words.

I just feel so scared, all the time. But what of? What exactly is there to be scared of? It's all irrational. It doesn't make sense. All my fears are irrational, but me being aware of that makes it even worse. I'm not sure if I have social anxiety or not. Now that I think about it, I displayed signs of it from a young age. When I was about eight I went to a book signing. The room was packed of people, and my claustrophobia didn't help that. I panicked. There were people, everywhere. People. Lots of people. That's my main fear. Irrational as it is. I badly wanted to meet my favourite author, but these people...and what would I say to her? I made my dad take me home. Something like this has happened before. When I was nine I was at a TV studio when they told me to step in front of the camera and speak. I had the perfect script in my head, rehearsed. But, as I stood there with them watching and the cameras rolling, I froze. Nowadays, things that make me anxious/panic are: When the teacher says the word 'presentation'. When you speak and everybody's like 'omg, she can talk!' When a teacher sends you into another classroom to ask for something. When you're trying to talk in class and somebody yells 'I can't hear her!' When you're speaking to your friends but their other friends come so you have to shut up. When you say something dumb and spend the next year of your life dwelling on it. When the teacher puts you in a pair with somebody you barely know. When the teacher makes a joke about you in class and everybody else laughs and you're trying not to cry with embarrassment. When your mum tells you to call your friend to ask how they are. When you have to read a page in class. When you have to eat your lunch around other people so you just go hungry. When your friend won't come with you to the toilet or the canteen. When you are mentally preparing every single scenario. When somebody asks if you're okay. When you get offered something and automatically say no so you can't be a hassle. When the teacher says pick a partner but none of your friends are in that class. When the teacher won't let you work by yourself. When you ask for something and they reply with 'help yourself'. When you forget your earphones and are scared that somebody might try and talk to you. When somebody says something nice to you and you don't know how to respond and you also immediately don't trust them because they just lied. When you have to repeat yourself in class. When you have to count up coins in a shop. When you're the first to finish your test but you wait for somebody else to finish before getting up. When you hold onto rubbish for a whole hour because the bin's on the other side of the classroom. When you get the answer wrong in class. When you get the answer right in class. When the teacher says you can choose your groups. When the teacher picks you to do something. When you need help but you're too scared to ask. When you make a carefully rehearsed comment and it gets ignored. When they've seen the text, but haven't replied. When you aren't sure what classroom you are meant to be in. When you send random texts to yourself just to look busy. When your friend doesn't want to come to the after school club with you. When you need to buy something but the cashier is intimidating. When you answer a question in class and your heart pounds. When the teacher says 'remind me'. When you are walking in the wrong direction but you can't turn around because you'll look stupid. When you can hear people laughing and you think it's at you. When somebody calls your name and you turn about but they weren't calling you. When you have a good contribution to a conversation or the right answer but when you finally are brave enough to put your hand up the subject has changed. When class has just started and everybody's talking to each other and you just sit there. When you have to hold back a panic attack and just sit there all casual. When you get put into a class with new people and you think 'crap! I was only just getting to know my last class!'. When a teacher's speaking about a topic that relates to you and you feel all self conscious. When you feel like you're going to cry if you somebody embarrasses you. When you don't bother asking because you don't want to annoy people. When you know something is stupid but you can't stop thinking about it. When you are told to 'stop worrying'. When you over think literally everything. When you are worried that people are put off by you. When you're home alone and you hear a noise and accept that you're going to die. ////////////////////////////////////// When you hold it in all lesson because you're too nervous to ask to go to the toilet. When you don't know what to do with your hands. When you really need to cough but you hold it in so you don't draw attention to yourself. When people think you are ignoring them but you just don't know what to say. When people think you are 'just shy'. When you're told it's all in your head!!! When nobody understands!! When people don't believe you are anxious because you talk a lot. When you're terrified about walking in late. When you have to count money in a shop and it seems like you are holding up the whole queue. When your mum says she'll be ten minutes and she's not back after eleven and you think something awful has happened to her. When you miss a lesson and when you come back you're like 'what if the seating plan has changed?' 'What if I don't know what I'm doing?' What if... When you are late and everybody looks at you When somebody compliments you and you don't know how to respond. When your friend won't come with you to buy a drink/to the loo so you go thirsty/hold it When people say don't worry. When the teacher praises you When the teacher mentions something you like and everybody turns to look at you sorry if you read this, this was really long I just needed to get my feelings out. Also, I over think everything and something I break down and have an anxiety/panic attack. I can be triggered by the smallest things like the thought of Dan and Phil leaving KZfaq, but most of the time its social situations like going into school in the morning or performing in drama. help, please? xx

Omg thank you SO SO SO much for making this video and being so friggin honest about this. It feels INCREDIBLE listening to someone else describe how they feel and finally seeing someone put into words what’s happening to me. Thank you thank you thank you. 😌

Props to you for reaching out to people to talk about what you're going through

when dodie almost cried I felt like crying because she is such a sweet nice person and she deserves to be happy and if I could help I would but I don't really know what to do because I'm in a different country but I can do one thing, tell you that you are amazing and have great friends and music helps if you want to write and I hope that you can get better. you help me all the time so I want to help you, even though this probably didn't work, if you ask I will help.

i do go to my school counsler now but i still can't stop feeling so guilty because people are dying and starving and shit and yet i cry like every night because of something thats in my Head or in the past and i fell so freaking dumb because im so privliged

As I watch dodie in this video i get such a strong sense of familiarity from her. I watch, each minute my heart sinking lower. Then, it's like a light-bulb goes out in my head. That familiarity is me. . Dodie I'm sorry you're feeling this way or felt. I'm a bit relieved to see that I'm not alone and there's someone out there that understands me. I just want to say thank you for your videos and all the joy you've brought in to my life. You're strong, and beautiful. You give me sm hope. So thank you. 💕

You are so amazing, you put words to a feeling that many of us struggle with and I just want to thank you and cheer you on in your recovery xx

I can unfortunately relate to the "not here dream- like drunk" feeling. It's scary and it won't go away and I don't know what to do.

This is so accurate to how I'm feeling. I've never known how to explain this and I was terrified I was alone and going insane, but now I'm so relieved that someone actually understands and I'm not on my own in feeling this way. Thank you for making this video, you truly helped. I love you

I just want to come back after 5 years and say thank you for this video. I started experiencing depersonalization due to anxiety right before the pandemic, and having a name for it from watching your video helped me not feel like I was going crazy.

I saw this when it came out and related to it but i've been going through a really tough few weeks lately and this was comforting to come back and watch. Thank you for sharing dodie.