“Self-doubt and shame are essentially the same thing”. A HUGE BOMBSHELL right there.

If I said no to anyone in my toxic family, they would use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. Or I would be punished for being selfish. Saying no came with real consequences in a narcissistic family.

The "indebted" vibe, oh God is that the truth. My mom got pregnant with me at 18, and my father was 20, drunk, and abusive. And she always let me know at a young age that I ruined her life. Oh, she didn't say it like that. She said, "Don't do what I did, don't have a baby young, it'll ruin your life. Not that I don't love you, I do, I wouldn't trade you for anything, but... yeah, it'll ruin your life." Honestly, what did she think 5 year old me would take from that?

I still remember the first time a therapist calmly told me that my reactions were "normal" and the situation was Not. That was the beginning of MY life for me. and THANK YOU for pointing out how restaurants are like "toxic family systems" SO TRUE in many places.

The “too sensitive” and “too much” really resonates with me. Any time I experience any kind of negative emotion, I wonder if I’m being dramatic, or if I’m over reacting. And sometimes, that happens with positive emotions. Sometimes I get this fear that I’m being too enthusiastic and people won’t like it. My mom used to tell me I needed to calm down or else I’d be too much and drive away potential friends

"Stop yelling!" "I'm not yelling, we are having a discussion!"

Fella you should be given a medal. These videos have given me the insight that I am not the only one who has experienced a rotten crotch childhood. Those memories still come up to haunt me, but I say to myself that they have no more power over me. I have been retired a little over twelve years now and enjoying the most of it. I know there is a lot of people who do not believe in inner child, but I do. Mine is taking care of this 76 year old man.

I definitely gaslight myself around emotions a lot. Any negative emotion is immediately met with "they probably have good reasons" "I shouldn't bother them about their problems also affecting me" and any positive emotion is immediately "someone has it worse so I should feel bad for them" or "I'm being weird, no one else is this excited about this"

All I know is we all deserved so much better, but at least now we can give better to ourselves. The disrespect of a small developing human by a dysfunctional adult in charge is maddening. This is so important to process. Thank you once again, Patrick!

All my childhood I've been told I'm "too sensitive" and "other people have it worse". And if I brought any issue to my mom, she would get angry at me because "there's nothing I can help you with", as if that's what I was asking for. My dad told me I suck at singing lessons after one month. He also said I suck at guitar, to later come into my room, after 6 months, telling me how great I am and how I "surpassed him". I still can't do music anymore - everytime I try, I hear his voice in my head, his first words. Thank you for this video, I had no one to say it to me when I needed it.

How I gaslight myself while doing the journal prompts: “We have the right to our truth about the issue. We have the right to how we see things” Me “doesn’t that mean our abuser has the right to how they perceive their reality of the situation since their behaviors are also molded from unresolved childhood trauma?” I always go back to either being devils advocate or letting my empathy toward others hinder this process.

Is it possible that the lack of memories I have from childhood isn't from sexual abuse or trauma but instead stems from being so hyper focused on my dads rage and WHEN it would come out again that I wasn't fully focused on my own life and IN my body, if that makes sense? My last abusive marriage was like this. 14 years of being an observer of my own life instead of actually LIVING it in the present. So incredibly strange. Happy to say that I'm finally IN my body presently, living IN the present, healthy, happy and at peace ♥️🙏🏻

I remember one morning I got up late for school, this was actually very common because I was bullied and didn't like going to school, I would get anxiety over it and couldn't sleep. My mother was very angry as usual and so on the way to school she was driving like a maniac. This little girl was playing with her dog in the street. My mother hit the dog killing it, the girl was screaming and my mother looked at me and said "See what you made do!". This is just one example of many of being gaslit. I wish you could be my therapist, I've tried getting help but good therapists are hard to find. Thank you for this video🙂

We see you disliking this video, Eric. We're onto your shenanigans, now give this man his walkman back!

the affirmations of “we can tolerate being misunderstood” bc it’s no longer unsafe rlly got to me, thank you. being misunderstood is a big trigger for me for many reasons that i can think of 😅 i knew why i didn’t like it and why it set me off, but this feels like the first time it’s been pointed out to me in this way.

I love that you said to thank your younger self for trying it’s best to survive in those times, even though it meant going along with dysfunction and abuse.

A very powerful video! I also found I developed toxic positivity to deal with being let down by my family system. I'm learning to allow myself to say: "This is unfair and/or sh*tty. I'm allowed to be upset and have these feelings without shaming myself from not being "strong enough" or "getting over it" like my mother used to do". I allow myself to be upset and present with that, then begin a healing process. This has helped me release so much trapped negativity and bad energy.

This makes so much sense. I'm the indebted child. Barely tolerated. I feel it deep in my bones.

I find that I really struggle with answering direct questions about what I think, what is my opinion, how do I think this situation should be resolved, etc. My answers are almost always what I believe the other person is looking for. I’m just now at 49 years old realizing I’ve been doing this my whole life. And when I go to say what I actually “think” it’s so scary, it sometimes makes me cry because I’m so afraid of being “wrong” or having the other person dismiss me. I have so much work to do in this area. Thank you for this video, it’s really helped.

"The right to a process, not perfection" is something that I wish I was allowed more of. Trying to navigate a world where you are neurodivergent and also be told "not everything is gonna be handed to you/you'd be fired for that mistake" creates so much shame in your existence. It's like you can never have issues and must embrace being perfect. Growing up and being told that I'm "contrarian for the sake of being contrarian" really fucks with your ability of self expression, because you literally cannot attempt to make any changes without it being held against you at a certain point. And then when you've decided to be more expressive, you are gaslit on that where you get told "you never showed indication of interest in this, so why now?"

This is so helpful. I really struggle with gaslighting myself and second guessing myself. Going No Contact with my immediate family was really the beginning of healing my trauma. I realize that being alone gives me the motivation to unlearn the dysfunctional patterns. It's really layers and layers of dysfunctional patterns that keeps one stuck.

Every time I got bullied, don't want to go to school because it's scary and painful. Parents: What did YOU do provoke them? You must have done something. You must deserve it in some way. Lesson I learned: never ask parents for help or support or comfort.

The hospital was great illustration of this tipping point basically “babies are going to go uncared for…” “your colleagues will be short staffed and completely overwhelmed…”

“Restaurants are a lot like toxic family systems.” Once again, floored at your insight! SO TRUE!

When I was a teenager, I went to Lechemere to buy an alarm clock. I plugged them all in (the shelf had outlets in the store), set the alarm for all of them, and chose the one that I liked best. In college, I melted a rainbow crayon over it. I still have it, decades later. That was a time when I knew exactly what I wanted and trusted myself. I loved that. In the past couple of weeks I have realized that it is very pressing that I find my intuition and my own preferences/perception again. This video helps so much. I didn't realize that's what I've been doing (gaslighting myself), but it is. Thank you, Patrick, for your work and for this video especially. I feel like this insight is much needed. And I am sorry about your walkman.

Restaurants are like a toxic family 😅 Yep! Worked in them for 20 years. Can completely relate to your situation.

When you said the thing about the world barely tolerating you, I burst into because that's exactly my feeling. Thank you

This is something I struggle with a lot. First I react too hard, then I gaslight myself into being too forgiving and making their behaviour my fault.

I tried to explain this to my last therapist because I really needed help to know how to fight this. I felt so insecure, I still do and she just said to me “you don’t need anyone” and it made me feel insane. I’m tired of explaining this experience of reality and being classified as needy, codependent and lazy. I just need help, not to be judged for asking it.

I felt totally indebted to my toxic family. I was barely tolerated so I never hardly asked for anything. I was gaslighted constantly and told I was selfish. It was a nightmare growing up in that toxic family.

Me watching this, still going in my head: "It wasn't that bad, I'm just sensitive", while also crying at the words, hee ho. Luckily, working with a therapist on this, just starting to dig into this realm. Thank you for your videos.

I have recently discovered that I am a childhood trauma survivor. I tried today to explain to my mother and just have a conversation with her regarding what bothered me and what got me to being so stuck in low self care, low self-esteem, self gaslighting... and her responses were : You are so stuck on the past! (This is actually the first time I ever brought these things up) "Don't go crazy all of a sudden! It will not be ok." I just looked at her and realized I had nothing to say. It was not worth my attempt. I know I am not the result of her own trauma. I don't hate her at all. I just know she is not capable of bringing stuff up and talking about both being victims of our parents. So I am ok without it. I experience resistance to finishing my book and actually publishing it. Anxiety, fear, paralysing fear. ..

Wow. It took me an hour to watch this 20 minutes video because I wrote down all the exercises and my brain kept shutting down so I couldn't remember what I'd just heard. It's sooo painful but it makes so much sense. I was looking into a painting class and have been gaslighting myself out of signing up for it... Was going to do that until it was too late to register and then I would berate myself for not signing up. I'm so awful to myself, it's shocking when I do these exercises and admit it. Thank you for these videos.

"indebted vibe" - yes, totally understand this point, unfortunately. I felt like a burden, an inconvenience, and that made me think "what's wrong with me?" a lot. I felt ashamed for asking for pretty much anything. I felt wrong all the time, regardless of what I chose. Asking my family for guidance or help just led to a bunch of confusion and irritation because they'd toss out disaster scenarios (negative what ifs) for whichever situation. Omg...yes, I can see why I second guessed myself for so long! Just being aware of that fact has helped, and I don't do it near as much anymore. Your videos are part of my ongoing healing; they help me to flashback and release more. Thank you, great topic and examples! 💕

As a kid I was bounced from house to house. As if that instability wasn't bad enough, I remember seeing a letter my elder sister had written to my mother. "Dear mom, I'm sorry to burden you with Nessa." Yeah that did a number on me. Toll date I hate having to ask for help or accept things from people for this reason. I always have to pay back and do what I perceive to be more than they did for me so they can't think of me as a burden. Working through it though.

I finally put my foot down with my mom, I trusted my intuition and said no. Needless to say, we aren’t speaking now. And Im now gaslighting myself… I’m just being selfish, it wasn’t that bad, I’m such an ungrateful brat and I need to fix this now. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who reminds me when I’m deep into those thoughts, that they aren’t true. I have a great therapist ive recently started seeing who’s helping me heal my inner child. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, for sharing tools to help us recover. You are a remarkable human doing remarkable work.

There was many, many times my brother, sister, and I were shamed by our parents into overlooking the abuses we endured by others because our parents were more concerned about fitting in, being friends, and being non-confrontational with the parents of the kids that were bullying us, hurting, and stealing from us. One incident (out of many and certainly not the worst but it fits in with your video narrative) was my sister and I had one Barbie doll each. The neighbor girl was an extremely spoiled thief that had 4 or 5 of everything but it was never enough. Our very talented great aunt made one-of-a-kind Barbie doll clothes for our dolls. They were beautiful and we cherished them. The spoiled neighbor girl wasn't having any of that and stole not only the clothes but our dolls! We know she did this because we found them in her house. Our mother told us to stop crying and not make a scene while we, as 5 and 6 year-olds felt like our hearts were being ripped out. The thief played with our stolen things in front of us and we were never allowed to complain.

This was done to me my whole life by my family. I'm at the point of not being able to tolerate this type of behavior. For the last ten years I've had very little contact with any of them with the exception of my mother, and even that is pretty minimal. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me. He literally saved my life. I love the phrase " normal reaction to an abnormal situation". When I told my therapist that same thing, she just gave me a blank stare. Needless to say, I don't see her anymore. Thank you for the great video! Very re-enforcing! 🙏🙌

Your personal stories are so powerful! "Normal reactions to abnormal situations" was very powerful!! Thank you

This makes so much sense. My mom used to ask me why I did something or what I was thinking. After telling her, she would then say “no, this is why you did it.” My answers were never good enough or maybe they just didn't line up with how she felt. I really don't have much confidence in my own feelings or thoughts, and as an adult have to put logical thoughts into my feelings to validate them. I find that very hard to do a lot of the time. I think as a result I'm very slow to speak up for myself because the process of explaining to myself what happened in a situation and validating my feelings for myself and then being able to communicate that to others takes so long that most people see me as a pushover or meek.

"Gaslighting isn't real. You made it up because you're freaking crazy!" In all seriousness, thank you so much for these wonderful videos. They provide a completely new perspective ony childhood. 💖

Always feeling like I'm a burden. Spot on! Thank you so much. I feel less crazier & less alone after watching this video 🙂

I went through so much of this. Sometimes I still can't believe I survived. I've been suicidal most of my life, living in extreme isolation, wrestling with flashbacks or disassociation.

Taking notes for myself :) Reparent and connect with your inner child and ask the following (reflective) questions- 1. What would happen if you said no and disagreed growing up? 2. What would happen if you needed help from your parents about how to feel or think about something? 3. What would happen if you brought up, or wanted to bring up something that didn't feel right to you, or wasn't right for you? 4. What would happen if you go after something you wanted growing up? (e.g., trying out some after-school thing) -to get a sense of WHAT THE FEARS ARE Construct new beliefs for your inner child as a healthy parent i) We now have right to a process, not immediate perfection ii) We also have the right to how WE see things (which wasn't true growing up) iii) We have the right to OUR truth about the issue iv) We CAN tolerate being misunderstood and disagreements, but we COULDN'T growing up, because those weren't safe The inner child believe in the abusive narratives and second guessing because they helped us survived in the abusive environment. It seemed necessary at the time but no longer works.

The interesting part of the child who parents is that at least in my experience even though I feel responsible for everyone I absolutely hate the fact that I feel that way. I mean what’s wrong with these people? Why can’t they take care of themselves?

when I was graduating high school and confused about picking a college major, that's when I think the biggest gaslighting moment from my mom happened. I was an artistic kid since childhood, but I also happened to be good at science, while both my parents were doctors. For those two HS years when I was 16 and 17, my mom completely brainwashed me into believing that I didn't have the grit to do art for my career, and being a doctor was my only 'safe' option. I have this letter from her where she wrote down a LIST of things she claimed I would never achieve, and how only she is right about my needs and wants. I started believing it and second guessing my passion. Everyone who knew me at that point remembers me as somebody who genuinely wanted to be a doctor, that's how convinced I was. I studied to get into med school for two harrowing years that took a huge toll on my mental health to the point i would wish death upon myself everyday. But somehow I got into design school and got a chance to build a career out of what I actually loved. But it took me years to unlearn that I didn't have what it takes, and stopping myself from seeking out opportunities. I'm still in the process of teaching myself that I'm not "unmotivated", and have managed to independently make a career out of art. Looking back I understand that she wanted me to have a life which wasn't as risky, but her MO had completely ruined my self worth, which I'm still recovering from.

I worry about this all the time! Whenever I set a strong boundary with my mother, I feel guilty about it constantly. Even years later.

My step father told me “if you ever tell your mother she’ll hate you because I love you more”. I hate confrontation. If I do get up the courage to address an issue with someone, I always end up apologizing and explaining how I am wrong in my thinking and shouldn’t have said anything.

My brain, whenever an emotional vampire latches onto me: "Well, THEY like me, so this is a good friendship, right? It's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted and depressed after spending time with them. Sure, they can be a little annoying, but I can be annoying too! I'm no prize! Who am I to judge anybody? They're not a BAD person. They had a rough childhood. It doesn't cost me anything to spend time with them and listen to them and support them, especially if it means so much to them! If I can't look past other people's faults, how can I expect anyone to put up with mine? I really should be grateful that anybody likes me and wants to spend time with me. This is a very positive relationship." My dad: *is a soul-sucking covert narc* My mom: *see above*

I am always stunned by how well you know and explain me and my life experience. Even just hearing you speak the actuality of my childhood. My mother denied that I was even worthy of a right to my own thought process. She is 94 and I am 58, and it's still happening. Kids don't count (the seen and not heard thing). I was an immensely well-behaved child because I was always, and still seeking approval with EVERYTHING. And not getting it turns me into a frantic, panicked hot mess. I was raised as if adults knew everything, without question, and were always right. At 58, I'm still feeling very much like a child, and waiting anxiously for the sudden enlightenment of adulthood to be magically bestowed upon me. I don't think it ever occurred to me it was something I could work toward. But I'm chronically ill, and I'm exhausted all the time. I sleep days away. The prospect of committing to all of the hard work to heal makes me want to curl up in a ball in a far corner of my closet. But whether I am able to do any of the work or not, it is SO deeply soothing to feel truly SEEN by you; to have identified to me exactly what was wrong with my situation - and not just what's wrong with me. My mother is the kind of person who didn't speak to me for four days in my early 20s for wearing white pantyhose to a family dinner. White pantyhose make your legs look fat, supposedly. Wow all of these horrible memories are bubbling up in my mind at a frantic pace, and I'm getting angry and resentful. Thank you for your generosity. I'm not in a financial situation to contribute unfortunately, but I would absolutely love to. You are amazingly generous and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very meaningful person in my life.

One of the most eye opening things that a friend of mine told me was: “would you rather be part of a family that loves you unconditionally? Or will only love you when it benefits them?”. It’s no wonder I felt like it was wrong to just be my own person and they would say I was “not on the same page” 😒

This was overwhelming for me. I was about to log off but I allowed myself to simulateously feel overwhelmed and continue to see why. And now I know it's a trigger which means most of my childhood was a gaslighting experience and will be discussing this with my therapist.

I found out I have ADHD a few months ago, along with _apparentely_ severe high functioning depression and anxiety. Ever since I can remember every single tiny mistake I made or every recuring mishap that happened to me as a result having *heavy* attention issues and terrible memory were ALWAYS my blame and fault completely, and there was no other path to redemption/appeasement of those upset with my behavior (parents, teachers, peers, etc) except to just not make those mistakes anymore, which is impossible, just like it is impossible for a blind child to just start seeing because you're upset he tripped over a chair the third time this week at school. Every single -FUCKING- day was just me failing, every day I was shamed and ashamed that people had to put up with how incompetent I was. I was even castigated for messing up again one too many times, I just felt like the stupidest, dumbest, idiot that ever walked the earth, I felt like such an -asshole- everyday atleast a little bit. I would try to plead not guilty sometimes but evidently the ENTIRE world had a better assesment of my condition and I was obviously dilusional to think I needed help. I couldn't tell if I was going crazy or just had terribly low IQ, and I ended up believing both, like _actually believing that_ (the sky is blue, water is wet, I am dumb) I'm 20 now and Im having such a hard time releasing the belief that it IS my fault, always, and I HAVE to "just do better". To forgive myself feels so immoral and incorrect and irresponsible. I have also become completely unable to tell when I am trying my hardest, I always feel like I could have done better even though in the moment I couldn't give a better effort. I feel incompetent. I'm afraid of challenge. How am I ever gonna be a husband, with a stable career and income, how?! How could I be a good dad some day? How could that possibly ever happen, its gotta be mathematically impossible. I love my parents and they did great parenting compared to *their* parents, but they really messed me up royally on this one . . . EDIT: Dammit I wrote too much again. If u read this it's probly because u have a similar situation. I hope my comment put the words in your mouth for you in some way. And just to let you know, I hear some people say _there IS hope_ so I guess you and I have something to search for now, rather than wallow in this mess. Have a mice day.

I’m definitely having the forever “indebted” vibe between my friendships…. Spot on again Patrick

This video is great. Growing up, I felt like I had to go around life acting like I should apologize for being there or for feeling unhappy when there was a problem (I was told it meant I was ungrateful). And this experience does extend romantically/ professionally or in whatever adult relationships. It's really cathartic to hear all of this. It's validation I never got when I was younger. All of the experiences you've described resonate a lot with me. I think the best and most difficult thing I had to teach myself in the aftermath of my childhood was to stand up for myself and walk away from people or workplaces that weren't good for me and to believe I'd find better things that I was deserving of.

Oh my God this makes so much sense to me. I nearly gaslighted myself into marrying someone telling myself that the feelings would grow later even if I didn't really feel like I wanted to.

I have always felt I need to be as useful as possible or there is not need for me to be around. I was made to feel worthless if I didn't give of myself. I was so uncomfortable for year everywhere I went and always felt unwelcome and unwanted. Still anywhere I work I work so hard to prove I'm worth of being there. Watching your videos is really helpful in unleaning all the bad thoughts I've always carried. Thank you

This is literally me right now and my situation. My mom was/still is abusive. She is also my boss currently. i help her run a very busy restaurant and she has parentified me my whole life, getting from me what she can’t from my dad. Any time i talk about leaving the restaurant she subtly gaslights me and i feel guilted into staying, i turn 30 in a few months and other than 1 year i have worked for them since my 16th birthday. I finally applied for the course i want to take tonight. Ive wanted it for so long but it was really hard to do this. I literally needed 4 different people to tell me to do it to hold my hand and tell me its gonna be ok. Ive been talking myself out of it all year and gaslighting myself to make sure my moms needs come before mine. She’ll never get it :(

Yes. I am left feeling like a burden to the world, so I overextend myself and have horrible perfectionism until it’s absolutely crippling. My mother constantly pointed out everything wrong with me, including being “too sensitive”. I haven’t cried since I was a child. I wish I could cry. It would be such a relief. Why can’t I cry??

Great video, thank you. Areas I gaslight myself: feeling unable to judge what is reasonable and unreasonable - seeking other people's opinions because I think they must know better and that their feelings are valid. Massively second guessing myself after leaving relationships. Wanting my friends to talk me into staying in a relationship that feels wrong for me.

I generally talk myself out of action-in-harmony-with-myself/perceptions and then tell myself "it's not that bad I can handle it" or "it's not that bad, it's probably not even happening" or "my friend would never do that because she's my friend"

You have helped me beyond belief. I feel so understood when I listen to your videos. Thank you for all the work you do to spread healing 💗

Wow, wow, wow. I’m a 30 year old man, 6’2”, 225 lbs, and I’m wanting to ball my eyes out.😢 my life makes so much sense now. I’ve felt sick from shame and self doubt for so long, and hearing this takes a huge weight off my back, and helps me not feel sick to my stomach. But I also feel extremely pissed tf off about everyone gaslighting me, telling me I wrong for what I was feeling through out my life. Fing bs. I’m angry I listened to them and not myself.

Wow... I never knew that is what I often do to myself. Gaslighting ourselves. Of course we learned to do this. 'A normal response to abnormal things' is one of my newest favourite sayings. It is helping me stop being so hard on myself at times. Thank you. 💖🐨💖

😲 My mom did that so many times... To all of us. Even to my younger sisters that are 10 & 12 yrs younger than me. She never stopped the "I did not!" Or "I don't know what you are talking about." So now when my kids try to recollect something that happened with me, I feel really bad if I sincerely don't remember. But I will say "I'm really sorry I don't remember. But I believe you."

Is this how therapy is supposed to work? My past therapists/counselors have just not been as helpful as you are for free

High school drama teacher impressed with my skill. At 20, I told my mom I might go try Hollywood. She absolutely flipped into a nasty smack down: "You won't MAKE it in Hollywood! Do you KNOW how many young WOMEN go down there and FAIL?! Forget IT-you'll just end up becoming a PROS-titute!" SO f***ed UP, but it worked. I failed at everything, took zero risks (like Hollywood), and I'm so terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed in jack squat. She'd just sh*t all over it. I believe extreme jealousy drove her to compete with us. Our success would shine a HUGE spotlight on her own miserable failures. She still remains vicious and cruel, so both girls have zero contact. Blows.

I remember being a kid with low self esteem and for years, I wanted to be good at things like my brother after seeing how much praise he got. Growing up, my self esteem was very low and the thing I wanted most in life was recognition like my brother got. In 9th grade, I joined the cross country team. I believed that If I tried as hard as I could, I would be the fastest runner on the team despite not having done distance running before. I was wrong. In the time trial, I came in last and when I told my mom, I falsely believed she would be encouraging and would say that even though I didn't do that great, I should keep on trying. I still wonder what drugs I was on that would make me do think she would respond like that. I shouldn't have told her the truth. But I did and she was furious. She blamed me for how I probably have embarrassed myself, embarrassing her, and how all the other girls would make fun of me. She became even more mad when I told her I wanted to keep going to practice. I remember sitting in my room that evening, contemplating if there was anything I was good at, desperately reflecting on any achievements I may have had, and finding none. I wondered if my life was a lost cause. Lastly, I thought about what would happen if I stayed on the team, wondered about the possibility of being decent, or even really good at something. At that moment, I decided to stay on the team, despite not knowing how the outcome would be for me, not knowing if I would find success, but I stayed on in spite of my mom. She wasn't supportive of me until I actually became a decent runner, and then a good runner. But I knew that she would only give me support, only if I was good at something. I hated that reality and rarely ever let her come to the races, since I decided that she really didn't deserve to be there and that I was the one who encouraged myself, not her. I taught myself that her encouragement isn't as important as the encouragement I give to myself.

14:02 my issue is, it's so engrained that I wouldn't have even called that example gaslighting - my family never did anything *but* that, so I really struggle when I see it in the present day to detach myself from others who talk like this in work/uni etc

I cannot remember most of my childhood from a traumatic situation that happened to me. I believe I had a psychotic episode at 8 yrs old that my parents never got help for me. Eventually I got better but it changed me.They have gaslighted me since I can remember. Always denying what I feel and what has happened. Till this day I struggle with reality and perceptions. It is a conscious effort for me and it really is exhausting. I do have contact with my parents but it is minimal. The fact that I don't remember much makes me distrust them. I believe they don't want to admit to being poor parents.

As a teenager I always had to prove that I'm really sick and I'm not pretending. When I had a fever and a high temperature my mother was the best, she took care of me, let me skip school, made me soup and bought me chocolate. When I had a headache or a stomachache, my life became hell. When I couldn't prove I'm unwell, she called me a liar, made me go to school even when I was crying from pain. It happened often because my periods were very painful, but my mum didn't believe me, cause hers were not that bad and she thought I was just looking for an excuse to skip school and get extra attention. Now I feel soo guilty when I get sick. I gaslight myself that it's actually alright, I should go to work, it's not that bad, I'm just lazy. It's so very hard to take care of my health now. My boyfriend basically makes me take the medicine and stay in bed, he takes me to hospital, cause I just can't go on my own. Thanks mum!

When you said you were called 'selfish', and then when you said we think ourselves as 'burden' i absolutely i ended up crying. i was always the 'problem' child with my mom. i love her, but she has been very very tough on me. i was called a villain, a bad person, i was compared to some of my relatives who have done actual horrible things. Why? Just cuz she doesn't like me. You'll hear her say she 'has always loved me' but her way of 'love' for me is so very different than her love for my younger brother. She told me because i'm the eldest, i shouldn't focus on studying further in History (because i wanted to be an archaeologist) cuz she and my dad are from 'Science' disciplines and my subject is lame. i ended up telling myself that yes, History is lame. She asked, 'What would you do with a degree? Be a teacher?' So i gave up studying further. But my younger brother is 'studying further' and is living abroad. He didn't even think twice, he just up and left. Mom is proud of him cuz he's doing a doctorate in Physics. He will become a 'teacher' in Physics. She said, i have to focus on making money. So i chose animation, told myself this is what i like (i really do like it, but i know my life would've been so much better if only i stuck to will to study History). Then it was just wrong decision after wrong. i got the job but the pay was very low and work hours, terribly. i chose to study fashion, but i told myself, if i leave for college, then who will take care of my parents? So, naturally, i didn't continue. i took financial accounting for monetary reasons, but it was the same thing again. When i said i have to move for work, she got very ill and then i had to stay back. Now i'm unemployed, have nobody, will never have anybody. i only have my parents and i doubt my sanity every. single. day.

Incredibly illuminating. And that part about thanking the inner child for doing what was needed to survive… wow. Thank you Patrick

As soon as I saw the title-I clicked. I have said this out loud to myself( that I gaslight myself). Then I think- no way. I got it wrong...again. I am truly grateful how you have turned a shitty childhood into a profession that helps others. And making this available to us. Thank you so much.

I’d have to say this is one of my favorites, so important to our healing is to trust our intuition and being aware of how we shut it up is the beginning to shifting the paradigm.

I’m also one of those people who wasn’t just betrayed by their parents but their mentors as well. I honestly envy you for the fact you were lucky enough to find a mentor who didn’t totally and completely betray you, Patrick. I’m glad things were different for you, I really am. 👊

Your body of work has helped me a lot. Sincerely, thank you for what you do! You're helping a huge group of people.

This has helped so much, I constantly feel so ashamed and guilty about my emotions, my family and my experiences. Thank you

I got bullied all the way through school because i was small & petite and wore glasses. My parents response to help me was "ignore them, it hurts the bullies more because they don't know what you're thinking". This has meant I don't say anything back & don't stand up for myself when people start to bully me or gaslight me. I then realised that my parents also did it when my sister or bro-in-law did or said something nasty or sly to me or gaslight me.. I was told to "just ignore her/them, you know what she's/they're like". I'm nearly 50 & only just realising why I've always felt sad about myself and been single for most of my life. Starting to rebuild my life but it's difficult when you get told by your sister that you were abnormal as a child and to make me feel normal our parents called her the big 'un and that has given her a life long weight issue. She's 4 yrs older than me and it's a local thing that the eldest child gets called the big 'un and the youngest the little 'un. Oh and that I ruined my parents lives by spending too much time with them because I've been single most of my life.. Your channel is a life saver Patrick.

My mom's favorite line was always, "Shame on you"

I ended contact with bio family 31yrs ago and went through intense reparenting before had kids, unfortunately stress of kids is a trigger to those old tapes of inadequacy and had a mate who also was from a toxic family and wanted to replicate it. Suffice it to say I have gotten really good at ending things in many situations. Many manipulative ploys were pulled by bio family and they claimed my boundaries damaged the family, a friend told me after parents died that I had been an orphan way before their death and was doing fine. Now dealing with a neurologist for atypical presentation of a rare disease that is responding to the med but because she didn't diagnose it, can't possibly work because there is no disease. smh. Took 3wks to pull myself back to center after this gaslighting. Self doubt, like acne , is lifelong.

Thank you this was really helpful. My bond with my dad wasn't too strong mostly because he use to shout at me the only emotion i had for him was fear and the most shocking thing to me was that he was actually proud of me fearing him maybe it was the only way he knew for parenting but recently i got the courage to confess about my fealings to my mom and she said that it never happened and she never let dad shout at me or hit me and i was confused af because my whole life was around his anger and voilent nature and suddenly my mom saying it never happened just messed up my memories and all 20+ years of my life and somewhere i started doubting myself after this incident that maybe i was too sensitive or something maybe i misunderstood the whole situation but the feeling was so real i didn't know what's wrong with my brain but now i understood i wasn't wrong i was right my mom was just trying to avoid the fact that they did anything wrong because she thinks that they were ideal parents and i shouldn't question their parenting

I love the idea of thanking oneself for buying into the gaslighting, because that’s what helped us survive. Thank you for saying that. It took away the guilt I didn’t even know I was carrying over falling for the lies. ❤️

This is issue Im currently having so much trouble with, so this video came in a perfect time. In these strange times, this is a beacon of hope and reassurance that my feelings matter and are valid.

I have an alcoholic mother, narcissistic father (pill addiction), and I’m the HSP scapegoat while older sister is golden child (BPD, histrionic). I’ve cut off my dad and sister 4 months ago.this year with the help of you, therapists over zoom and two other therapists videos I feel like I’m really improving my life. Finding out these roles unlocked so much realization and healing for me, sometimes it seems like you’re talking about me exactly.I also realized I was majorly triggered at work (thank you for that video) and surrounded myself with narcissists. It’s very healing and comforting to know these roles and traumas have been named and that we have tools to heal them. Thank you. I’ve now got a boss that truly values me, have said goodbye to narcissistic friends, and focus firstly on myself and my healing.

When you mentioned that your mom was an alcoholic and that made you uncomfortable, my FIRST thought was "why? That's not HER fault." So, thanks for helping me spot my own instances of self gaslighting

The too sensitive comments, I grew up with this and heard it so many times. My mother later said, “I told you that because the work is a harsh place to live.” Just further exasperated the feelings of my pain or insecurities being too much for her/for anyone. Between 7-14 I was the emotional stabilizer when my parents fought. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry to them to please stop fighting so I could sleep. These things stay with us and I continue to gaslight myself because of all of this. I am so grateful to your videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

i’m currently going through a process of understanding what my shame or worry comes from. it was shocking to me to understand almost immediately that i have been gaslighting myself due to some childhood issues and trauma that has happened to me. thank you so much for this video or just your whole channel! you’ve helped me so much

"Being gaslit that there is no such thing as a beginner" 💯🎯🤯

I have actually howled with tears at this. I've been doing each and every example that you've listed and then some. I am 35, I've been trying to get past this trauma and change the behaviour for all of my all-too-early adulthood to no avail, and right now my inner child is crying too, because she doesn't think it will ever change. Thank you for putting our experiences in such concise words, dealing with childhood trauma sometimes feels like some crazy fantasy villain - knowing traumas' real names gives you some power over it. I am also wishing for a magical sword and a trusty comic-relief sidekick, but I'll unlock that level someday. Right? Right guys?

I looked at the title and was like “huh, so that’s what it’s called”. Thanks for the great educational videos, really does help me understand myself and others.

i LOVE LOVE love how you affirm the past and the truth of what happened... to me there something so right about that. it seems like its so much more popular to go lalala "DONT BRING UP YOUR PAST" that ugly stuff. dont talk about it it doesnt help to talk about it. and to me its just compacting down on shame. so annoying. everyone has their process though

Thanks for sharing these insights. Really helpful in becoming aware of the patterns and distortions. Growing up with an alcoholic mother with severe verbal abuse and reality distortion was hard to combat. Gaslighting was normal in my family. And then somehow I continued questioning, doubting, and gaslighting myself. Also, I became overly sensitive to even the slightest sign of gaslighting around me. It takes time to course-correct this as you practice awareness and recognize what’s going on.

Patrick, I appreciate you sharing that you worked in the restaurant industry in your teens and twenties. I feel that your analogy to toxic family systems is spot on. I worked in the restaurant industry for over 15 years. For most of that time (once I was old enough), I began working for my family's restaurant. My family is horribly dysfunctional and the restaurant was managed in an equally dysfunctional way. Those years of my life were the most miserable working years of my life. I took my role in my family system (SG) to my workplace every day. It was hell. I love going out to restaurants alone and just chatting with the bar staff and I try to make friends with the service staff. At my one regular place, they all know I was a server. They treat me like one of them. I absolutely love the friendships you can make working in the restaurant industry. There is a camraderie to it. Thank you for all your hard work.

13:30 Holy crap that made me, like, SO ANGRY. Wow. I just... That kind of garbage parenting is why I believe there needs to be a licensing system in place for parenting. ARGH. I'm so sorry you dealt with that.

"In my mind it was clear at that point that I was selfish and I usually got things deeply wrong" how I feel every day! Loving your videos

I swear, with almost every video it feels like you're reaching straight my brain and plucking out specific thoughts, feelings and memories. Thank you so much for sharing your work, story, and healing. You've already helped me so much!

When my step dad that raised me attempted to molest me i told my mom and got kicked out the house at 13 with no where to go. I was always told when at a friends to not ask for or accept food or people would think my parents werent taking care of me. I was told im a mistake, my mom wished she aborted me, i ruined her life. To this day, at 42, i still feel like nothing i do or say ever will matter and im not important. There is always that little voice that tells me to just let it go instead of standing up for myself. This video has me in tears because now i know what im doing and can slowly fix this. Ive had to cut my mom off and she still acts like she never did anything wrong and i should just let it go. Its all in my head.

You make me look at and think about things I have never even considered. I finally understand me and feel more normal and in control of my emotions. Thank you for being such a blessing!

Thanks Patrick , you’re a gifted healer; a generous soul to share so candidly. 🙏 So easy to relate to , I will remember: I have reacted to an abnormal situation in a normal way. Throw it on a Tee Shirt my kids would say! They have shirts printed all the time, so creative. I’m so happy for them. Also , when you shared about being artistically wounded in the Favorite books video,that really put things in perspective for me. These waters run deep...