It's not even that the relationship takes a turn because of outside events, but rather when you find out things you had no idea about. You thought you were happy for years, but then you find out it was a lie. It's so devastating...
@user-gl7zm7ov3h5 ай бұрын
I'm dealing with that right now
@Charlie_AF5 ай бұрын
My grown daughter alerted me after 25 years with my narc husband. My kids suffered and I didn’t even know it! Now I know why we were all suffering. I’m almost out!🤞🏼
@rosenblau5 ай бұрын
I am sorry, please make sure you take care of yourself. for me the big revelation of lies was a year ago and I am still preparing to leave. @@user-gl7zm7ov3h
@rosenblau5 ай бұрын
Good luck and stay strong! @@Charlie_AF
@WoundedHealerReiki445 ай бұрын
Me too
@user-cb9ke4xs3y5 ай бұрын
Sooner or later, the narc's mask falls off.
@bronwyntanner45015 ай бұрын
I was shocked to the core. Been married for a month. Stayed for 14 insane years. Happy joyous and free since June 2017
@youngblood85405 ай бұрын
Once there's contempt in a relationship, it's over. It becomes very toxic and you need to get out. A narcissist having a good day, is still an abuser.
@christinelamb11675 ай бұрын
I remember the exact day, the exact moment, when I realized my ex-husband had contempt for me. It was what he said, the way he said it, and the look in his eyes. Up to that point, we had been having alot of problems in our marriage, but I still had hope we could work it out. At that moment when I realized he felt contempt for me, I knew it was over. You can't recover from that.
@Nat-oj2uc5 ай бұрын
And with narc it's from beginning. They're always contemptuous
@christinelamb11675 ай бұрын
@@Nat-oj2uc But they don't always show it from the beginning. My ex-husband kept the mask on for a long time, as long as it suited him.
@Nat-oj2uc5 ай бұрын
@@christinelamb1167 true. I meant underneath the mask
@christinelamb11675 ай бұрын
@@Nat-oj2uc 👍I think that's what really hurt, was knowing that he'd always really felt that way about me, I just didn't realize it. It felt like such a betrayal, and a "slap in the face"!
@sushmayen5 ай бұрын
I saw it after 27 years that they're like a bottomless pit. How much ever love we give it never fulfill their needs. But it took time to figure out.
@Thunder-lightning8525 ай бұрын
I’m right there with you
@Bat_Boy5 ай бұрын
Yep! I reconnected with a sister, until she was unrelenting in using my time and energy. I was exhausted after talking with her. And then she drops me right before Christmas...like I'm the bad guy. Typical narc move. And yet....I freaking didn't see it coming. I was Blindsided by my own sister. I laugh about it now, because I'm so much happier. 😂
@CTHou135 ай бұрын
Yup. Took me 26 years to figure it out and now I need to leave. Divorce is in progress. I am fighting cognitive dissonance by keeping my shit-list in my pocket so after I deal with him I can keep my sanity and not pick up his bread crumbs of false hope.
@serena12615 ай бұрын
I think they get worse the older they get.
@CTHou135 ай бұрын
I KNOW they get worse with age. That is why I am divorcing at the age of 61. It is scary but not as frightening as staying
@dragonwitch275 ай бұрын
Everything is fine with narcs until they have no further use for you and/or you do or say something that they deem to be disappointing/weak/imperfect.
@Nat-oj2uc5 ай бұрын
Yeah it's the last thing. Imperfect. They are pathologically perfectionistic towards others (not themselves) and they idealize other person and inevitably get disappointed
@drea41955 ай бұрын
Yes, that 180 turnaround certainly does come as a shock and it was as if I were in the presence of a stranger when it happened. Well said.
@christinelamb11675 ай бұрын
It is SO shocking when the mask suddenly falls off! They're not the person you thought they were.
@serena12615 ай бұрын
You're not alone. 😢
@suzanne43965 ай бұрын
Yes. After a bit over 6 years, he ( out of Nowhere!!!) flew into an explosive narcissist Rage!! And lost it - completely. ... And there was DV; I went to the ER for a few hours. But, after that, I could never see him the same Ever again.
@helen53685 ай бұрын
Soo true
@istateyourname47105 ай бұрын
This. After busting my former narc spouse for an affair~I asked questions. There were pauses...(he was trying to get his lies in order), & I got slapped w/ the realization that I didn't really know the person I was married to for 24 years.
@user-ye4tx2bj6s5 ай бұрын
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
@LaanaaDawgz5 ай бұрын
I didn't have to, nor wanted to, spy on his phone. My instincts knew he was messing with unlimited supply since the day I met his lying, cheating self
@MirAndHer5 ай бұрын
I had a friend who switched when I tried to take a little step back from the friendship. She had been being inappropriately chirpy when I had just lost my brother, and I tried to pull away. She created a massive drama, and I was shocked. I simply hadn't seen it. She is a grandiose narcissist, and looking back, I missed the red flags. I had trusted her because I'd known her since college, so when we started being close friends I just didn't see the warning signs. She turned from kind, funny, and supportive, to a vindictive, jealous, entitled, and scary person.
@lauragrolla59165 ай бұрын
For me it was a friend, too. I still feel disoriented and off balance.
@patriciadepasquale78965 ай бұрын
Thank you dr Ramini. This was the piece that was missing for me. I was with him for 50 yrs. After 25 yrs of marriage he started accusing me of infidelity. What changed, I got a promotion and made more money than him. It was a torturous 3 yrs. Then the switch shut off and he went nice again. ( except absolutely no intimacy). Fast forward another 25 yrs it starts all over again only this time he goes back to our childhood. He wanted reparations. I left to clear my head and the mask completely dropped. I’m 65 and now starting my life over. I was devastated to say the least, but any communication I do have with him validates the reasons I left. Again, thank you for the book and this very important piece that didn’t fit until today.
@cyndim87855 ай бұрын
That’s my story you just wrote. I started asking him “Who do you think you are talking too”? after one of his outburst that just started recently. Then he goes back to nice again call me “Baby doll and Love” only to turn around and tell me to get out of his house a few days later. He stopped asking me for any intimacy, he’d rather do the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He says “You never want it or how about you taking care of me”? GROSS! After realizing that he was a narcissist from watching KZfaq videos. He never really loved me I was only his supply, no empathy or support for what I wanted to do. Never helping with family responsibilities, it was all on me. He tells everyone that I’m a bitch and we are just roommates. He has me totally isolated me over the years. He never makes plans for vacation or just to go listen to a good local band. He hunts and fishes on his vacations. I don’t know who I’m going to get with him from one day to the next. The worst roller coaster ride everyday I ride on. He packs his lunch for work everyday and still manages to spend money cash money, he don’t like using his band card he says. He talks to me like I am a dude telling me what he would like to do to the ladies that he sees. This started a little after our relationship way in 1983 when we were 18 and I was a fool for falling and staying with this narcissist. Having three kids and all three of them have some sort of addiction or mental problems anxiety and depression, I blame that on him also, he was never there for us mentally or physically when we needed him.
@pratibhag99365 ай бұрын
I was in the same situation as described by Dr. Ramani. I thought I was in a happy marriage with its normal ups and downs. It was shocking to find out that he was leading a dual life. And once I found out, and confronted him, his demeanor changed completely. A normal person would've been apologetic. But he's become bold and arrogant, and openly flaunts his misbehaviours. I feel I was so foolish to have believed in something that didn't even exist. In retrospect it seems like a mirage.
@nikkinorton83105 ай бұрын
This one is one of the biggest gaslights and confusions because you can only see it in hindsight....and you ruminate it over and over and over trying to make sense of it.
@sotaylor225 ай бұрын
Exactly! Mine was high-level military, with constant admiration from his subordinates. Once he retired, and actually as retirement approached, the mask fell off. Things went from bad to horrible. In the process of divorce.
@lesabrydson25265 ай бұрын
Dr Ramani, God has blessed you to bless millions of us knowing we are not dumb, being caught in a demonic hell. Many of us are getting stronger and healthy with your teaching skills and wisdom. I have homework to do. Prayers Psalm 23 -73🙏🇯🇲🫅🙌🙏💯🌹💗
@Volleyball_Chess_and_Geoguessr5 ай бұрын
Psalms are mostly revenge porn fantasy
@joseprado-ortega45015 ай бұрын
Wtf
@Volleyball_Chess_and_Geoguessr5 ай бұрын
@@joseprado-ortega4501 Happy is the man who rejoices in smashing babies against the rocks from enemy nations! - Man after God's Own Heart You can't make this stuff up
@TimetoWonder2225 ай бұрын
I knew them for 27 years before the switch came. I felt blindsided. It rocked my trust in everyone I knew. Edit: Now I wonder if it is because he was very attractive when he was younger and now has more a dad bod and is aging. I still found him attractive until he turned into someone i no longer knew and that killed it.
@clogs49565 ай бұрын
My soon to be ex Narc has not aged very well - he’s been mistaken for my father on many occasions - and he has multiple health issues, but he still thinks he’s “got it”. It’s actually quite sad.
@yukio_saito5 ай бұрын
You realize that "the best version of them" was just a tip of the iceberg. 😰
@petralee5745 ай бұрын
Thank you for this post - that was exactly my situation! I thought we had a wonderful marriage- did so many things together, raised 5 kids, traveled… etc - until one day I found out about his affair. Then, the wheels fell off and I was the worst person ever (in his eyes anyways). Over night! This was THE most confusing, jarring, gut wrenching , and painful experience ever. The hardest thing to get over was that the past 15 years were a lie … how does one reconcile this with the immense love one felt for this person? Thankfully, with time, things get clearer and clearer and healing is possible. It took exactly 3 years - and now in hindsight, it is the best thing that happened - all part of the journey The best advice I can give someone who finds themselves in a situation such as this, is: Don’t run after someone who left you in the cruelest way possible - channel that energy into yourself - you owe it to yourself. ❤
@user-tb5lw9fb7k5 ай бұрын
Yes, it feels like the twilight zone because they weren't the person they pretended to be. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
@jennykallio17645 ай бұрын
My daughter married a narcissist. I began having weird experiences with him early on in their relationship, until, 18 years later, I no longer have a relationship with my daughter who had always been close to me (which was something that her husband did not want). I had to go to a psychiatrist to find out how to deal with this person, and she is the one who educated me about narcissism. She did not, however, help me understand how to not engage with him. Consequently, I spent a lot of time "explaining, defending" myself against "nothing." You never knew what kind of innocent comment or action would set him off. He has succeeded in isolating my daughter from her family and friends he doesn't like. My daughter is "stuck". She has three young boys, and hasn't worked in 18 years, and he has convinced her that she is better off without her family. I've reached out to her many times - offering support, help,, explanations. She has become him, in terms of how she speaks and thinks. I don't know if anything will change for her and me. I am grieving her and heartbroken, and will, likely, never recover from that.
@robbrewer20365 ай бұрын
Same situation but our son ,it's hard but no contact is only way.he plays her child games just hopeless.
@sanjmalik62825 ай бұрын
@Jenny @Rob, this was me for 26 years. The narc ex isolated my children and I from my family, and would try to brainwash me with saying bad things about them. I was stuck in the narcissistic fog where I couldn't think straight and often scared of him and his actions. Keep hope for your daughter and your son. I woke up and left him. I got the strength and my family were there to support me. So please don't give up on your children. Narcissistic marriages do eventually explode, break up and often the victims are left to pick the pieces and build their shattered lives. I wish you both the best and I hope your children are reunited with you oneday.
@carolineprestage46505 ай бұрын
Try to keep reaching out to her. Even if it is for a coffee. She has to know in her soul what he is but is not ready to admit it.
@redpasha775 ай бұрын
This is happening to me. 8 years of marital bliss then suddenly, just last month, I find out my wife, the girl of my dreams, has been having an affair at work with a coworker (who is also married). Absolute shock and the worst heartache I have ever experienced. She lied about it until I showed her the evidence, and then she went on the attack. I applied the DARVO test as I learned from Dr. Ramani's video and she passed with flying colors. Absolutely no remorse or empathy. I was so confused, how could she suddenly become a narcissist? But after watching this video I finally have some sense of what happened. I was her main source of supply, but now can see where I was starting to be devalued, then eventually discarded.
@CTHou135 ай бұрын
A narcissist relationship is so complicated and sometimes slow to take full hold on the victim. When you finally see it it is hard to accept and years can go by before radical acceptance takes hold. It can take years more to leave if you can get out at all. Be kind to yourself and believe what you know to be true. Do not fall for the gaslighting, future faking, or breadcrumbs of hope.
@lauragrolla59165 ай бұрын
Thank you. Years can go by before radical acceptance. It takes time to forgive yourself for all that lost time.
@costelloandlizzievolk22335 ай бұрын
I also feel it the other way around. I have been expressing concern and warning my family about the abusive narcissistic family members, only to be shamed and blamed by them, until they finally saw what awful things the narcs are doing. It’s a rough ride and feels like the twilight zone for sure. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@stingylizard5 ай бұрын
Damn betrayal trauma. Their favorite gift to leave behind. Scorpion and the frog,all day everyday until you figure it out about halfway across the pond. They always have a lifejacket and enjoy watching you drown. Literally,they enjoy your pain. SICK
@mamabear0905 ай бұрын
Three years of seeming normal, then all the family’s attentions shifted away from him (newlywed, new dad, tons of supply with that) to the declining patriarch. The word salad rages began and I had no idea what was happening to us or what I did wrong to start it.
@lauragrolla59165 ай бұрын
Word salad rages! Well said! Aren’t they so confusing? So glad you are validating you.
@svenmarkert63685 ай бұрын
I found your channel about two weeks ago. What a life changing experience! I was an absolute mess, crippled with anxiety, insecurity and self-doubts. Your videos helped me figure everything out. It all makes sense now. The narcissist in my life had given me the silent treatment for a couple of months and I was absolutely devastated. Now I understand his motive and what is going on in his head. I have no more feelings for him now that I understand I was only food for his ego. Now that I've created a healthy distance, he tries to talk to me again, but I give short one-word answers. I have no interest in what he has to say because it is all lies anyways. It always has been lies but I was too blind to see that. He cannot feed off of me anymore and I wake up with a smile on my face every morning. Finally I can see what I was dealing with all these years. I couldn't talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist in person because I'm on the autism spectrum and have social anxiety, so being able to watch your videos without having to open up to a total stranger was an amazing experience. You are a life saver Dr. Ramani! Thank you for everything you do.
@biondna79845 ай бұрын
For me it was after I quit drinking, and he wanted me to go yell at our sons about something HE was mad about. I wasn't responding, so he got in my face and said, "Don't make me have to get MAD!" That was the moment all the lights came on, when the pattern was clear. I went stone cold, stared back at him, and said, "Knock yourself out," turned on my heel, and walked away. The divorce wasn't long after that.
@BriannaRochelleCreative5 ай бұрын
I thought my ex narc was a workaholic but turns out he enjoyed the validation he got from work so much it was the most important thing to him over his family
@mellymelle8605 ай бұрын
This was mine. The first 6 months it was fine. A little needy but okay. He also had diagnosed mental health issues and blamed his behavior on them. He also told me point blank he white knuckles it at work and took his anger out at me at home.
@lchrisley5 ай бұрын
This was 100% my experience. I was so confused until I found you, Dr. R, and then I was able to start putting my life back together. Thank you!!!❤❤❤
@georgeromweber26935 ай бұрын
My narcissistic partner is my twin sister.It is an abyss. I walked away from the edge 7 and half years ago, thankfully. I can still feel it back there, looming. Getting educated here has been a tremendous help. So, thank you. Peace
@l.58325 ай бұрын
My sister, also. For years she avoided me despite me wanting to still be part of her life. I really did not know what was really going on with her. A coworker who was part time, took another part time job at my sister's workplace. This student, who was barely 20 years old told me my sister was neurotic (trait that vulnerable narcissists have). My sister is a very very toxic vulnerable narcissist. So here I was, 60 years old and a 20 year old accurately could see something in my sister I had not seen. Later, my sister turned on me and I saw it all.....
@georgeromweber26935 ай бұрын
@l.5832 That sounds very familiar. I had adapted to living within the perimeters I faced as a young child. Because she was so close to me, I was unable to perceive. The forest for the trees. Now, I think of it like having had a type of parasite. Like an emotional and psychological tick. Once you finally pull it off, well, only then can you begin to heal.
@shewho3335 ай бұрын
This is my biggest fear as a mom of twins. I saw signs in one of them that reminded me of my narcissistic mother by the time she was four and it scared me so bad that I got both of them (and me) into therapy immediately to head off any behavioral problems. It’s been rough.
@serena12615 ай бұрын
Not a Twin but my brother as well. I'm so sorry. 😢
@susanfromthemountains17545 ай бұрын
Dear soul, I am 60 years old and a twin also. My twin sister began showing all signs of a narcissist by the age of 12. I'm not able to give an account here of what life's been like with a narc twin, it's way too hurtful and it would take a long time to share everything, but I just wanted you to know that I understand your situation completely. God bless you.
@phoenixrising47685 ай бұрын
I understand where this is coming from. I mean, 10 years, I felt everything was okay, suddenly he dropped the bomb. I mean, we had the usual fights, but then it happens in all relationships. He just destroyed everything and left, calling me names etc.. and yes, i was always a brash and aggressive kind. I have spent two years in therapy.. and my therapist saw it. Everyone I knew saw it, they told me. I ignored it. Two years down, I discover stuff differently.. i didnt know he was addicted to porn, that he was cheating on me. And the stuff he said.. i saw a different person at the end of the relationship. I didnt know him anymore... if i had known this earlier i wouldn't even greet him on the street. like a blinder was removed. It came at a cost.
@l.58325 ай бұрын
In all the narc relationships I've been involved with, there were small steps leading up to the massive turn. It's like leading up to the big reveal....something I could no longer look the other way or pretend it's all okay.
@lauragrolla59165 ай бұрын
Its like a switch gets flipped.
@DailamiPuang5 ай бұрын
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
@Sommer-ho7pk5 ай бұрын
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
@DailamiPuang5 ай бұрын
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
@Sommer-ho7pk5 ай бұрын
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
@starrynight73595 ай бұрын
...add to this that they go on to marry and live their perfect life with the person they had an affair with and you are looked upon as deranged and how lucky he was to get out, and take the kids with him, and even go on to have another child. Meanwhile, you're their personal target practice and no one has any clue.
@3lfruler5 ай бұрын
I was raised that how much B.S you can take from someone is love. 3 months afrer made it official with said person, I finally snapped and started yelling back at this person. It's like a switch in me flipped. I never acted that way before. Instead of having a family that's safe to go back to I was sealed in this deal of living with this person. My anger continued to grow and became so toxic stayed with this person for over 2 years. Barely a year after we broke up started having weird symptoms turns out I had brain tumors followed by three brain surgeries. 4 years later I'm finally able to see the blessings in my health issues. It's helped me realize what's really important to me and throw out all the rest of the crap. Also I'm having to learn to deal with my anger in positive ways because getting angry and reacting makes the physical pain worse. I took the long road but I'm so glad I'm not putting up with crazy train people anymore.
@crispusmahea21355 ай бұрын
3 months??
@user-zl6uk3xe5i5 ай бұрын
Oh boy, this is so on point. I pray for those still unaware of what they are dealing with. I'm so free now.
@cathypiggins29045 ай бұрын
This rings true for me. I was married 30 years to a covert narcissist. There were subtle things all along but after he retired he became absolutely ridiculous. One of my theories was he got enough supply at work that I was spared a lot at home. I may be right about that. Thank you Dr Ramani
@herbvoigt90025 ай бұрын
After getting your book things are more clear to me. I was an idiot for believing a person would change after being kind to them.
@kateoverdier87165 ай бұрын
No, you weren't an idiot for being kind. Every bad thing that is done to you is the fault of the person/the abuser who willingly decides to act with disregard or malice to harm you. It's so natural to feel shock & regret that a narcissistic person can behave so horribly, but don't ever, ever blame yourself. Love yourself just like you would love and comfort a child that was beaten by a parent who enjoyed battering them. Give yourself a hug & massive credit for seeing the pattern & then doing whatever you can to care for yourself! Big hug & cheers for you!! 💖
@l.58325 ай бұрын
Did your narc ever tell you "You reap what you sow" and "What goes around comes around"? My husband said this frequently to make me keep forgiving him and loving him 'unconditionally' so he could keep deceiving me.
@herbvoigt90025 ай бұрын
@@kateoverdier8716 Thanks for the kind words
@herbvoigt90025 ай бұрын
@@l.5832 Thanks for your kind words. I need this at times
@herbvoigt90025 ай бұрын
@@kateoverdier8716 Thanks for your kind words
@blubla76755 ай бұрын
Dear dr. Ramani, it would be fantastic if you talked more about sibling relationships that get tainted/broken by narcissistic parents. Thank you for your content you are a huge blessing
@stephaniewebb94745 ай бұрын
I think a lot of people are going to realize that their parents intentionally disregulated them for sport as people recognize the manipulation.
@TheKrispyfort5 ай бұрын
Narcissists loosing supply, praise, authority, and privilege are a different level of hangry
@Albruna_USA5 ай бұрын
Oh my goodness! This is exactly what happened to me!! I never understood why all of a sudden he turned into someone unrecognizable, I can't even articulate the toll it took on my mental health. Please talk about this more, I'll bet there are lots more people who don't realize their situation is narcissism because it doesn't fit the usual pattern.
@tracyking59455 ай бұрын
Bingo! You hit on all the right squares of my long-term relationship with a narcissist. It feels like the person you’re with has everything going for them. They are someone you look to for advice and security. Until one day, they crash and everything falls apart. It’s confusing at first, but then everything starts to add up. Thank you for your abundance of wisdom, Dr. Ramani! 💜🙋🏻♀️👏
@sparkygump5 ай бұрын
This happened to me. Her narc side emerged after I became disabled. Her empathy ran out and she no longer valued me and our 23 year marriage.
@christinelamb11675 ай бұрын
As long as you're there for them, it's all good. But just when you need them most, they're not there at all. It's devastating!
@sparkygump5 ай бұрын
@@christinelamb1167 it tore my soul apart.
@flowers65765 ай бұрын
Same thing happened to me @sparkygump.
@sparkygump5 ай бұрын
@@flowers6576 so sorry. Can you imagine what a reptile you would be portrayed if you did that to them?
@GimDandy66965 ай бұрын
All too common sadly. Happened to me after 27 years when I was laid out with cancer
@jessicazander59545 ай бұрын
This happened to me with my dad. I thought we had the best family. The “American Dream”. My parents bought a new bigger house. They had two kids, one boy, one girl (me). We went on yearly family vacations together. Sports, band, church all the good things a girl could hope for. We weren’t rich but we were happy. After I graduated high school at age 18 I came home early and caught my dad cheating on my mom with her best friend from church. Our families were intertwined. My brother was dating her daughter. As the oldest child I was trying to protect everyone and chose to stay silent, expecting dad to fix it. To stop. He didn’t. He moved out about a year later and that’s when I went off the deep end with rebelling and such, still holding the secret. 🤫 was a good kid and it wasn’t my character to rebel so my mom was more worried about me than her own failing marriage. I don’t remember if dad said not to tell or if it was implied or what. Finally got into counseling and they helped me confront my dad about telling the truth. It was a you need to tell mom or I am going to have to. My relationship with dad has never been the same.
@bugsea545 ай бұрын
My experience is a narcissist is incapable of loving anyone but themself. Meaning caring for others and putting them first before their own needs at times will not happen. However narcissist love money and will do anything to be with someone that has what they want. So never let someone your dating know the true extent of your finances, or you could end up with a covert narcissist. If your married to a narcissist they may find someone that is willing to put up with their nonsense if they have some stability and the other person is vulnerable. Worry about you and not who they are playing as they will not change, not going to happen no matter who they are with. They will play the game until they don't have to, that is the truth.
@lauragrolla59165 ай бұрын
Wow, “play the game until they don’t have to.” Painfully true. Thank you.
@stevehartwell18615 ай бұрын
Yep. Three pretty damn good years then the wheels fell off within days.
@dvawva51975 ай бұрын
Listening to IT’S NOT YOU. What a great book!!! This video is sadly SPOT-ON. It takes a million little legs to support the centipede.
@lotti95765 ай бұрын
This makes so much sense. I adored my mom she was a saint to everyone and I thought she was strong and I admired her, sure I noticed some things did not add up and I had terrible self esteem issues. I thought my dads issues were him "poor mom". Then Dad got cancer at 60 and my mom behaved like a saint looking after him... The sick twist is I realised she enjoyed the attention she got from it. When he died she turned on me, I had been there the whole time helping her sorting stuff out so she would have a good passive income (farm and houses to rent). Things were strange she sold everything she could of his and sheep that she needed (I still did not click) I was so confused and devastated as I tried to get on with my life and follow my dream job. Eventually I came back thinking I was going to heal and help mom on the farm so maybe I could farm one day. I never knew what it was but could always see that side in her personality. Things were ok for a while I lived with her because it made sense in a big house(8 years) until I fell pregnant. I have never experienced a mother being so cruel telling me straight in front of my now husband she could not farm what makes me think I can. She tried to sell everything farm and all. It was like a cold war at home. I moved into the cottage I built 8 months pregnant on the day of my baby shower and she did not lift a finger to help. We got married 4 months later and she stood at my wedding with dramatic tears playing the loving mother of the bride and I hated her. It has been 3 years and the trauma of realising what she is and how it's always been there and what my poor dad went through with no support. I no longer have a relationship with my sister's and even if they believed me i tried to tell them some stuff they would not care. Poor mom she deserves to travel, she needs boundaries. Shame spending money makes her happy. I have lost family, friends and business I will never forget how she stole what should have been some of the happiest times of my life. Looking after a new baby while being completely devastated. I will move on but never forgive her. Unfortunately I still have to deal with her on a daily basis and she still uses stupid things as control but now I see it.
@gabrielaradu29705 ай бұрын
Why is it that when we are in such a situation, we cannot see things clearly? I felt like something was wrong, like my intuition was warning me again, but I didn't know exactly what it was until I left.
@priscalynne88045 ай бұрын
You have just described my 31-year relationship with my ex husband. He began to unravel in the last few years, but it wasn’t fully shown to me until the divorce and the years following. And the attacks, slander, etc that came at me and our 3 children was so unbelievable that I had to seek help and I also found your channel. Lawsuits, surprise DFCS visits, computer gifts to the kids with high tech spying software, attempted home break ins, are some of the things he threw at me. The worst was how he and his new wife treated the children. Then it all fell into place. I thought that something was wrong with me because I didn’t see it. And when I was asked by various councilors what my part in the divorce was I was always at a loss, and it made me wonder if I was the narcissist. After 10 years I am finally getting to the point where I can breathe, but my heart still races when I receive emails from him. Once our youngest finishes college, my requirement to talk to him will be over. Only 3 more years, but I think I will always wear the scars.
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
I am so sorry this happened to you. I, too experienced a long happy marriage, or so I thought. It is sad when counsellors and even other people in this community, don’t believe you because until recently, we were all told that a narcissist couldn’t possibly keep a mask up for so long,and how could we not see it? Please, don’t blame yourself (it sounds like you are doing well) Dr. Ramani makes a great point that some narcissists don’t act horribly to everyone in their lives, if they are getting enough supply elsewhere.
@user-pf8ot3ku6y5 ай бұрын
Oh my gosh! Finally, the nail on the head!
@nikittysplit5 ай бұрын
This is exactly how my relationship looked and felt. For about 7 years it was “great” for a long time. And then one day it literally blew itself up. It was SHOCKING when I found out he was cheating, blamed me of the infidelity, was hiding money, lying about tax debt. It was suddenly a dumpster fire. The mask came off. Truly terrifying.
@rosenblau5 ай бұрын
I find myself in this situation and it makes the second guessing and doubting even worse as the situation doesn't fit the pattern the same way... thank you for addressing this important piece.
@pdg235 ай бұрын
OMG! This was powerful and sadly rang so true.
@hooligan816665 ай бұрын
Wow... Yup this is my relationship. I was finessed
@tamayeceannaideach50115 ай бұрын
You always make me feel better. Thank you
@maryclemens10465 ай бұрын
Doesn't she though?? 😊💙
@b8akaratn5 ай бұрын
This episode is reminding me of Julie Taymore's film on Frida Kahlo, and how after Kahlo caught Rivera with her sister,... she ended up finding solace talking with Diego's first wife, who totally knew Kahlo's pain of infidelity and egoism, without needing to hear all the details.
@ericb84135 ай бұрын
Dr Ramani, you just described a pastor of a church that I knew. He looked like a totally upstanding, moral person who was married over 20 years and was well loved by many. He had the most charm of anyone I’ve ever met. Turns out he was having 3 affairs with members of the church. Talk about going over a cliff. It was like an atom bomb going off. His whole life was destroyed and he’s never recovered. 😮
@linneasimchah16215 ай бұрын
Thank you for this comment. I'm dealing with a charismatic pastor (age 56) of a large church right now who is showing interest in me. He has been divorced for a few years. He's clearly got narc traits, and I hate dealing with this subversive emotional dynamic. I'm doing my best to distance myself from him as much as possible, without it being weird b/c I want to stay at this church. Wish I could just switch to a different church, but I love the doctrine and large size of this one.
@charlie68495 ай бұрын
I was in a friendship like that.
@patriciasalem36065 ай бұрын
Me too, although I've also had other narc relationships. This friend went from seeming generous but somewhat immature to mean and grandiose. The turn came when I asked her to stop commenting about my weight. She honestly thought she was entitled to do that. I suspect her husband was the target of her narcissism, hence her well regulated appearance. When he died, she lost her source and looked for it elsewhere.
@soleilbrille34825 ай бұрын
Almost saved by your videos. Your are so so true
@BunnyBinkies75 ай бұрын
Wow! You just beautifully summed up everything I’m currently feeling and going through. Discovered my husband of 19yrs, who I thought was one of the most kindest, caring, nicest people on earth is a monster. 3yrs ago I learned of his major financial infidelity and since then, he’s become a completely different person. So cold and cruel and passive aggressively punishes and devalues me. It’s such a mind fu@&! Impossible to explain to anyone who hasn’t gone through it. Thanks for getting it and helping us to understand all of this craziness!!
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
Yes, I thought my husband was wonderful. He was my “safe place” for over thirty years. My friends thought we were a happy couple also. You are not alone.
@BunnyBinkies75 ай бұрын
@@gailjordan9170 Thank you! So sorry you had to experience this, too!!
@WoundedHealerReiki445 ай бұрын
I had this large shift happen with my husband during COVID. Almost like the intensity of the pandemic triggered some deep fear response and a lot of very scary things started to come out with him. Now going through a divorce and looking back I can see moments of oh wow there were all of these little signs all along the way that I didn't see clearly until now.
@SheilaChung-rt5iy5 ай бұрын
Mine was only the first year. The last 3 years was horrible to go through. But only now I see the friends he had me hang out with the first year, was his flying monkey. Then in therapy I was told that he had all these narcissistic tendencies. His true self came out as soon as he found out he had cancer.
@getnthru5 ай бұрын
Wow. This right here! We seemingly had a great relationship although, especially looking back, there were glimpses of how brutal they could be. We always got through it though and we seemed happy. But, suddenly, everything did a 180 and they turned on me harder than I’ve ever experienced and the discard came quick. Almost a year later and I’m still reeling and trying to make sense of it. Where did it come from; was there someone else; what did/didn’t I do; could I have done more to keep them…? (And now to hear that their narrative is that I was cheating!) How can they be so heartless?!!
@linneasimchah16215 ай бұрын
It's shocking to me how people can lack a conscience. Their capacity to be cruel and heartless is breathtaking. They are so comfortable hurting other people, without a second thought.
@lisaatkinson62765 ай бұрын
This is exactly what happened to me. I only knew how to read all the red flags once the mask slipped for good and a stranger was standing before me. Now all the red flags make sense.
@jflowers415 ай бұрын
This was so validating for me! This was my experience. For years now it has been so confusing for me because the typical narcissistic relationship didn’t match up completely with my experience which caused a LOT of self doubt. Was I seeing things correctly? I feel more sure now after this validation. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
@annevalentin38475 ай бұрын
Exactly what happened to me. So traumatizing
@tims94345 ай бұрын
Excellent topic Dr Ramani. Thank you for your insight 🙏
@deemteta5 ай бұрын
This episode is about exactly my situation. After retirement, his attitude towards me changed . After 34 years of marriage it’s as if I have never really known him . Discovering the affairs was such a shock . Your talks & podcast has been a great help & an eye opener. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
You are not alone.
@LisLara5 ай бұрын
Thanks so much for this one, Dr. Ramani. You're describing my marriage! I always say if we had kept living in his hometown, I would have never seen/experienced his malignant covert narcissistic side on its full potential, because there he used to get all that supply you mention, which he indeed needed. It was when we changed country that the nightmare started. No company, less money, no flying monkeys, no enablers, and all his abandonment issues and child miseries triggered while the kids and I were doing well. An authentic Molotov cocktail for a narc! Again, thanks so much for this video. I was living in confusion, because even though the narc traits had always been present, the first 10 years - I can see that now - they were quite subtle. As if he had been keeping the beast hidden, till he no longer couldn't.
@Marie-sl8cm5 ай бұрын
Yep this happened to me. Twelve wonderful years of marriage in which I was VERY happy. My husband was living a double life so he was very happy too because he had BOTH a loving adoring wife at home AND a double life of hookers, drugs, and criminal “business” schemes. He was making lots of money to finance both sides. It eventually fell apart because he was doing so many drugs and sleeping with so many hookers that he was absent too much and eventually I checked his electronics and discovered the truth. Of course later looking back I saw all the red flags and all the signs. But during the marriage while I was living in my ivory tower of denial I was actually very happy for a very long time.
@saraelizabeth25 ай бұрын
It is mind-blowing how accurately this video describes my marriage. A little over a year ago I caught him red-handed engaging in bizarre, malicious, and long-running triangulation. It wasn't until I sought therapy many months later that I was actually able to wrap my head around it, and then began the realization that the "happy" family I thought I had was all smoke in mirrors. I'm still in so much shock. This video was the validation I needed, because even other victims of narcissistic abuse would tell me that if I thought my marriage was good all along then he can't really be a narcissist. But here we are.
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
Yes, even victims of other narcissists will sometimes tell you that they think you had a lovely marriage, and that he couldn’t be a narcissist. I am grateful here for Dr. Ramani talking about other forms. But you are not alone. There are people here who do understand what you have gone through. We will not judge, because we have gone through it also. One thing my excellent therapist is helping me do, is wrap up the “good” years in a package in my memory, and not associate that relationship with the new one. I had a lovely marriage once, but sadly, it ended.
@ginaesrar99455 ай бұрын
It took a really long time for the narcissism and the severity of it to reveal itself in my ex-husband. I have Facio Scapulo Humeral Muscular Dystrophy 2. I healed from the disorder in ways no one else ever has. His role as a caregiver gave him supply. As I began to take care of myself, things in the home, that's when he turned completely against me. He started an affair with someone he met through work. She moved in with him and moved her daughter in with him, after he kicked me out, and the divorce wasn't even final yet.
@Katievillers5 ай бұрын
I’m married to a covert narcissist and the first 8 years were great. Then very slowly, very slowly, things started unraveling. It took another 2 years for things to get bad. Then things got really bad. But I didn’t know what was going on. It took me another 3 years of horrible devaluation to finally figure out what he was. It was so insidious. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused and in such a fog. I’ve got him out the house, but I’m so codependent and trauma bonded that I don’t know how to survive. I have no one.
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
I feel for you. The slow burn is awful. Maybe even more awful than if they showed their true colors right away. A very long love bomb can indeed play havoc.
@Katievillers5 ай бұрын
@@gailjordan9170Thank you. I just didn’t know anything about it. I thought all of it was normal. The gaslighting, the stonewalling, the emotional detachment one minute and being the literal center of his universe the next, the self harm to “prove how much he loves me,” the TOTAL lack of emotional empathy, the never initiating sex or physical intimacy…the list goes on. I thought these were normal marriage issues. He was diagnosed with BPD 8 yrs ago, but I kind of dismissed it. We were fairly stable. Then 3 yrs ago we had a massive trauma and everything changed. The devaluation began in earnest. I started researching BPD, but it didn’t fit. I came across NPD, that definitely didn’t fit. But then I found out about covert narcissism and trauma bonds. To say I had an awakening is an understatement. It was like the heavens opened and shone a light down on my marriage. My world turned upside down in a matter of weeks. He’s been out of the house for 4 days (the longest we’ve been apart in 14 yrs) with minimal contact. He’s spinning out of control. I for once am not there to save him. All I feel is empathy for how horrible a life it must be to live so empty, so needy, yet never being able to fill that need because of your own sabotage. To be doomed to repeat that cycle over and over. I’m ready to get on with my life, with our son. I might not have anyone right now, but I will. I will make friends again. I will have hobbies again. I will have a life again. I’m only 41. I have a whole life ahead of me. A lot of healing needs to happen, and hopefully I can find help with that, but I will NOT survive, I will THRIVE.
@gailjordan91705 ай бұрын
Also, try to find a good therapist. I found mine helpful.
@nicholasschroeder36785 ай бұрын
I had it happen to me at Christmas when my sister tried to gaslight me and my girlfriend with a malignant lie about me threatening her life when we were kids. I had adored her; I really did. With this rhe penny dropped, and everything fell in place--all the past manipulation, greed, envy, and hate couldn't be denied anymore. I was done. Haven't seen or spoken to her since and never want to. I'm free.
@carolynjaynes365 ай бұрын
This just happened and it was shocking to hear the blatant invalidation and classic gaslighting, deceit, blame-shifting. The veil was suddenly lifted, and I saw the narc for who they really are, and some past red flags came to mind. Wow. I told them I felt invalidated and needed to get off the phone to continue working on my project. It felt good to know that I have come far enough to see this invalidation when I needed support, it wasn't there at all, just a mean judgmental name-calling critic. Sucker punch explains it perfectly. Am I so good at denial, minimization and rationalizing that I just didn't register those past flags? Yikes. I ended it right there and cleared the decks of ALL old attachments that were unreciprocated, distressing, and disappointing relationships. Now there is room for kind, loving people to enter who are safe. No more settling. I'll live with my dog and cat for the rest of my life if I have to. No more nasty narcissists!
@HyggeHomestead5 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for helping me see that I am not at blame for not seeing it. It was there, but he was self employed & getting supply from abusing his employees & I was working in healthcare during a pandemic & battling cancer. We both retired, moved to the country, and now I am his only supply. The blinders are coming off. I am learning & becoming a better version of myself (with your help) thanks
@ivanabear88245 ай бұрын
This makes so much sense. it’s the last piece of the puzzle in my 35 year relationship with the narc. i always wondered why it took so long for the mask to drop. reality had finally hit him in the face when he was asked to leave his job and then contracted a serious disease.
@artcheeze5 ай бұрын
This video is the one that describes my experience most closely. And my reaction to it emotionally was quite powerful. As I delved into this channel and others to understandcmy experience, I learned about "splitting" in the psych sense, and spent more time than I should have trying to diagnose myself, because my reaction was sudden and very painful. Looking back I know I experienced a sudden dramatic shift in someone else's demeanor, completely out of the blue, so it makes sense that my reaction to it would also be dramatic. Thank you for your channel.
@michellegirau81365 ай бұрын
My husband raged, broke everything, screaming and everything in between. This happened for 10 years, then tappered off the last couple of years.But then he is supportive of me having a masters degree and always tells me I'm beautiful every day. It's confusing, to say the least. But another thing he does always say is if I ever leave, he will off himself.
@Nat-oj2uc5 ай бұрын
Yeah it's like they're self destructive and can't help but push entitlement to the point where they fall
@carolynjaynes90944 ай бұрын
It's like a demon was unleashed. It's a shock and super scary how bad they can be. I'm grateful that I had the knowledge from you and others like you. I called them out on their blatant invalidation, insults, and gas-lighting. I ended the relationship then and there. Looking back, I saw many subtle signs of non-reciprocation over the two years we were friends. It was a con job to gain my resources all along. I grieved the good parts of our relationship, but I also claimed my growth in discernment, speaking up, and claiming my power to walk away from anyone who isn't good for me.
@ddseir14435 ай бұрын
I think this scenario is way more common. An initial golden period, followed by a normal period, something quite expected in a usual relationship and all of a sudden...boom! Did the mask slip unintentionally? Has a new source of prime fuel suddenly come up? Or is it just that the narc got bored.? It can be as simple as that. I knew a person who was like that. There was no visible devaluation period, no decline, not even a thing like a major dispute. Nothing. And there didn’t have to be another source found, I mean in one case, she was all alone for months, maybe a year and it’s not like things went immediately south with the new guy, there was never one to begin with. And I knew she did that at least twice in relationships that had lasted 2 to 4 years. For those who know more, Needless to say, I’m talking about a potentially unaware vulnerable mid range.
@AnnaBanana-cv6hj5 ай бұрын
This is so validating. All the little nuances that you go in to, are so helpful to hear. It's not fun, but at least you can go, yes, that was what I experienced too.
@QX-xq5uj5 ай бұрын
Thank you for your support and great video! I remember that I was really shocked as I realized that my Ex had a very dark side. He had regulated everything pretty well and tarned it as charm until the day I found out that many of his patients had written him love letters and he still flirtet with them. He had so much supply the whole time that he could show his way of life as succesful. And his terrible response to my questions was a tantrum with loss of control and aggression against me😢
@andreaf.65725 ай бұрын
The narcissist I dealt with has a freaking PhD in psychology. The lovebombing was off the charts. He would get close, then pull away, and deny he ever said 95% of what he said…. Total gaslighting. He pulled away for the 3rd or 4th time and I was done. He killed any feeling I had for him. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 made it easy to go gray rock for me
@TouchdownJesusMB5 ай бұрын
🩷🎉🩷💪 Forever Grateful for Dr. Ramani & The Team!! 💪🩷🎉🩷
@maryjanebrantingham67985 ай бұрын
My story 100%!!! Thank you for this video! I was married to the good guy narcissist!! Took 29 years of my life before his bad behavior came to light!
@marykathrynstone19355 ай бұрын
Yes, I was overall happy in my marriage for the 1st 10 years, although a few entitled episodes popped up during that time. It was at year 10 that his entitlement became more pronounced. It got worse as more years passed and our children entered adolescence and tried to become independent. I naively thought that once we moved out of the teen years, life would turn more peaceful. But no, he became more antagonistic until life was unbearable and we separated after 22 years. Then all hell broke loose, and I uncovered his years of infidelity and betrayal.
@janiecepoush19045 ай бұрын
Dr Ramani, Thank You, Kindly. 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
@KnowoneKnowhere7135 ай бұрын
This is exactly what happened to me, it was all so subtle and being a people pleaser and codependent I was willing to overlook everything until something completely unforgiveable happened. Having to leave in the middle of the night with my child was the wakeup call I didn't know I needed. I was literally dying to make this person happy, sacrificing every part of myself for them but it was just using a bucket to fill the ocean. Nothing I did would have mattered. I'm thankful now that I was able to get out of the relationship before being really stuck (married) but even months later I'm still very much in doubt of my own reality and blame myself for everything.
@nomcebotalks5 ай бұрын
Since he was not home getting supply at work whe he retired he became a monster.I became the center of focus😢
@covert_warrior5 ай бұрын
Been listening to the audiobook BUT sooo excited I got my hardcover delivered today ❤ you're amazing thank you for what you do
@moniquejackson77415 ай бұрын
Brilliant. Wow. You blow me away, Dr. Ramani. You took a very important subject, that was new to me, and described and explained it so capably that it feels second nature. You are amazing, Dr. Ramani. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!
@funnyface55965 ай бұрын
This was my relationship to a T!!! Thank you Dr. Ramani for explaining this. I thought it was all in my imagination. I literally felt like I was crazy! You wrote this about "him"!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, for all you do, and helping me in my healing 🩷
@quickgirl805 ай бұрын
My relationship lasted 14 years. There were signs throughout the relationship that he was narcissistic but at that time I didn’t know what that was. Usually after a major event the mask would come off but he would quickly apologize & things would be fine. He mostly targeted his brother. It wasn’t until he began using steroids that his mask completely dropped. From there it was hell on earth until I left. He quit doing steroids, but he’s not same. Now that I’m out of the relationship I see things clearly. I was in a narcissistic relationship the entire time & I didn’t even know it because it was so subtle & I was madly in love. Hindsight is 20/20.
@AnaMartinez-nj9ti5 ай бұрын
I’ve been watching all of your videos! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
@jackdaniel95715 ай бұрын
This video is the script for my back story with my narcissist spouse. Five years of wedded bliss and then it all went south to stay. As soon as circumstances resulted in lesser supply the narcissism began to dominate. Looking back, I can see bits and pieces beginning to add up to a very ugly emergence. Good luck trying to sleuth this out before it happens!
@dianabarbosa11515 ай бұрын
This happened to me until i connected the dots and found a sound explanation beyond a loveless childhood and traumatic upbringing! How dare they!?!? 🤬 After 2.5 years, I went no contact 2 months ago and never looked back. Thanks Dr R, you're preventing much future invividual and collective pain! ❤
@Riccolo75 ай бұрын
It took me a LONG time to figure what was going on with my narcissist-ex. I didn't know what narcissism was, and I'd never even heard of it, until I heard about it online. It was a complete shock to discover that they're literally millions of people like this, and that I wasn't crazy. She WAS, and still IS, the dictionary definition of Narcissism. Thank God, I didn't marry or impregnate her.