Deciding to make time for myself each day was a turning point for me. I developed a friendship with our associate pastor, a quiet, nerdy person like me. He invited me to attend a meditation workshop. After attending, I decided to carve out 10 minutes each day to meditate. About 6 months into the practice, a memory returned to me of myself trembling in my bed while my parents argued in the kitchen. I also had a series of dreams where I was being chased by a dark, faceless figure and I would wake up feeling terrified. In one dream, I resolved to face the figure, and when I did the night turned to day and i found myself looking into my own face as a child. The face had a big smile. I then awoke feeling peaceful. The scary dream never returned. As I thought back over my childhood, I found myself seeing that child’s face and retelling the stories of my past to him, which was a deeply healing process. My mis-wiring still causes issues at times, e.g. making me way too tolerant of inconsistent behavior in others, but in general I find myself enjoying each day no matter what life brings. Unknowingly, I probably was doing what people now call inner-child work, and if so, I highly recommend it.

The accuracy of the childhood description gave me chills. I thought I was anxious, but realized that I feel safer when alone.

Wow, as a usually too self-aware disorganized attachment girl who has spent a decade+ over-intellectualizing her childhood and endlessly researching towards self improvement, I have NEVER heard it put this way so thoroughly, honestly, compassionately, and in such a solution-minded way. I feel so seen and humanized instead of only described as broken beyond repair 💗 A huge thank you for your expertise and vulnerability!!

“Kids will always choose attachment.” The amount of anger and shame I’ve felt because in my childhood and adolescence I kept (over and over, and over again) trying to resolve conflicts with my mom, opening up to her only to be shut down and further shamed/blamed? Those feelings have often felt so immense and insurmountable. But the idea that kids will always choose attachment cuts through a large amount of the shame and anger. Thank you!

It really is so hard not to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and state of mind with this attachment style. When you can't make someone happy you feel like a failure and it can trigger your shame too. Seems like this is a big way this happens for me

The part where you say 'it's ok, you're loved, you're lovable, you're not perfect and love you anyway' just made me cry. i need to say that more often to me

Omg i used to maladaptive daydream for hours as a child, but i have to say it saved me. It was too scarry to be there fully

One of the most helpful things I did, once I reaized I never felt heard at the dinner table as a child, was to ask God to hold little girl me and agree with me that life isn't fair. The Lord then spoke to me very gently and said, "I can't change that, but I will be with you through it all and I promise to work it for your good."

I sat with a cold pack on my swollen eyes from sobbing last night, feeling so unloved and burdensome and unwanted by my parents. I love your gentle and authentic delivery. Your wisdom and kindness awaken my inner parent. I’m here for myself, imperfections and all. I am worthy. Thank you! (And coco of course!)

Being a parent Is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I want to offer compassion to my parents despite my story because It probably wasnt easy for them either.

It’s like you were explaining my life. PTSD with disorganized attachment and narcissist parents, trying to heal generational trauma without my mother to help me make sense of it all. It’s hard but I think I am now good enough. I pray that’s enough.

When you said that you always went to your room and Was always alone… I had to rewind because I thought you were speaking right to me. My parents STILL complain to me that I always go hide in my room. It feels safer.

As soon as the video started playing I started crying. It hurts me so much to think of a child in pain or sad, not feeling loved.

Thank you. I’m 53 years old and only now discovering what’s wrong with me. ❤

My parents were pretty “good.” It’s a little disorienting to have disorganized style and not know exactly how or when it was generated. (My sense is something occurred in my preverbal stage). But hearing you speak is so validating, and I am committed to healing because I know I deserve to heal ❤ wishing the best to all of you who are here and feel these challenges- it’s tough!

Thank you for making this video. I have just now realized I have disorganized attachment. My mother was a very violent, unpredictable borderline mom with her own childhood trauma that my sisters and I had to always be understanding about. She was “loving” and would snuggle me but it was always too harsh snuggles, or smothering me with tight hugs after a long time of not being available. She was always working, angry or sleeping from working. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. If I was laying on the couch I would be yelled at to get up and clean something. I to this day don’t sit down or take a break for myself with my kids bc I feel like I’m being “lazy” even if I haven’t sat down all day besides to breastfeed the baby or to feed my 3 year old. Then I get so tired that I feel like I’m going to blow up and I cry--crying makes me angry--the anger makes me feel incapable and the snowball effect goes wild. I’m having such a rough time regulating my emotions bc I’m the main parent for 12-14 hours a day every day, 7 days a week. I think I need to start working out again bc it is the only thing that helps me

On one hand this makes me cry for all of us, and our children, if we have them. On the other hand, we made it this far, and that deserves a round of applause! My mother was an undiagnosed mess. She died over 2 years ago after me going no contact for about seven years. It was hard to break free, but I just couldn't and wouldn't deal with her disproportionate anger, and general lack of interest in me anymore. Before she died, I sat bedside for a few weeks and asked forgiveness if I was a bad daughter in any way. I also extended deep forgiveness to her. It was a part of my perpetual healing path. Interestingly, about six months after her passing, I felt a freedom I had never previously known. I have taken the mantras: I am safe and I am worthy, I can handle whatever comes and it will be ok. Presence and grace. Work in progress here. Dr. Kim, I appreciate you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am 36 years old and I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. I have never understood why I react the way I do to people and situations. I couldn’t explain myself to me, let alone to others. I’ve unintentionally self-sabotaged so many friendships and relationships…I never felt calm and I felt like my life was an emotional roller coaster. After watching your videos I feel like I finally understand myself and I feel at peace with myself. I know healing from disorganized attachment and having a BPD mother will be a very long journey, but I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. Thank you so much, please don’t stop posting your content.

10 minutes in an I already wanna hold myself and cry for my inner child.

This is unreal. I’ve finally found someone who understands me and what I’ve been through. It’s no wonder I’m unhappy in my life and in my relationships. I wish I had found your content sooner! I have spent years and thousands on therapy. “Attachment styles” were never discussed with any of the “trained professionals”. I wish that I could afford to hire you now! Thank you for making this content accessible and free on KZfaq. I will continue to follow you as I know that you will help me greatly. I’m hopeful that you will post more about your own story if you’re willing. I’m curious to know how things went with your divorce and if you have any advice on limiting the trauma we can pass onto our children.

Oh how I wish I’d found this when I was 20 instead of 63 but still glad I found you. Explains so much!

10:40-11:05 is the greatest explanation I've ever heard about what is going on and how to start working on it.

The way you described how the narcissistic partner feels "safer" when you grew up in enmeshed/chaotic homes made my jaw drop.

I seriously committed to meditation, about 20-30 minutes a day for the last year and it significantly helped me make progress here. I am more comfortable in my own head in relation to others now and don't feel as much of a need to categorize like you said. I feel like I have my own space and it's invite only lol. This was also my precursor to finally setting boundaries because now that I've found a taste of this, I'm not going to give it up. I come first, not my parents.

I have been hyperfocusing on attachment theory videos for days now since yet another traumatic friendship episode. I thought maybe I was anxious but I’m fairly certain I’m disorganised/FA now. It fits in with my adhd and previous bpd tendencies. I really want to heal as I’ve been in a chronically stressed state my entire life and I’m so tired of the constant ups & downs and don’t think my health can take much more now I’m in my 50s. I don’t achieve much in life and am always in reactive mode because I can’t focus with the constant fight flight activation. I’m a sahm and since covid my husband is at home much more which means I don’t get a chance to get out of hyper vigilance mode in order to reset my nervous system. He is a dismissive avoidant and has a similar energy to my parents and brother and I always feel activated around him, always gauging what mood he’s in, where he is, etc. I wish I could relax around my own husband but I think because there are so few verbal cues from him I’m constantly trying to read him. My father was highly npd and DA and chronically angry and my mother was probably also DA and chronically stressed. Both were always busy and so I always felt in the way, a burden, an add on, insignificant, inconvenient etc etc. My brother is also DA and highly narcissistic. My father died several years ago but my mother lives nearby and I realise she often activates me as she will often unload and share her concerns with me - but then have very little interest in reciprocating & hearing about mine. So she’ll send a text updating me on her worries and then finish by saying she was going to be in the garden (hence don’t expect and conversation or feedback back if I try to answer). Or she’ll phone knowing she has 10 minutes before she has to (collect her dog etc) so will have just enough time to tell me her issue and then have to go before I can say how I am. It makes me feel angry and like I did as a child. Like feeling constantly hungry and dissatisfied but being shamed for feeling uphappy about what crumbs of attention you were getting. I do have addictive behaviours to try to numb out because the constant stress activation (which is activated by almost every thing and every one except my children and pets I think) is actually physically painful. I hope to recover. My dream goal and bucket list is not to travel the world - it never was and those exploratory desires certainly were affected in me - but to feel calm most of the time.

I really appreciate your honesty about your own struggles. It keeps it real and relatable. :)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. I knew I had a chaotic and lonely childhood because my father was extremely explosive, angry, controlling and an alcoholic, but hearing you give those examples made me remember episodes from my childhood I had completely blocked. I had a big emotional release that brought me peace and understanding. Thank you

Thank you so much for this video. I have passed so much trauma in to my precious children that I cannot find peace. My two surviving children are grown & have families, are lovely & decent people who numb their trauma with alcohol. I have reached out to them to tell them so many times how much I regret not being able to be there for them because i had to work & I had the same problem as a child & that it’s ok to confront me about their feelings but they haven’t admitted the extent of the trauma to themselves yet. I don’t want to die without them having the chance to get it all out & hopefully change the pattern of being unavailable to their families as well. I understand their hesitation as I spent sixty some years defending my own parents’ unavailability. I’m hoping there will be a way to let them know it’s safe to face the facts & start to heal our generational trauma. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you again.

I realize why I was primed to pick the qualities in my husband. I couldn’t figure out how we got together and now I see I chose him.

Kim, Everytime I “tune-in” to you I feel as if we are together…in the same room….face to face. You truly UNDERSTAND the world I live in…….”my world”….MY SELF. The person I am inside. It’s hard being me!!!!! And you get it. I can’t thank you enough for taking the initiative to study and share your knowledge with all of your followers.

Sweet mother of Jesus, I needed just this video whole my life

I love this so much. My mother was an alcoholic parent in my grade school years, those were some of the worst years. Having to be a full time caregiver for her. I think I have a disorganized attachment and I’m learning this at 40 years old

This is one I will definitely come back to a few times. I feel like I am getting sooooo much better at making time for myself and setting boundaries with others and not isolating the way I used to always resort to and staying in tune with my own needs than I used to, but I also recognize a lot of times when I fall back into old patterns and habits without realizing it until I'm already in the muck too. (Bonus Coco and her gorgeous baby blues are always appreciated too!)

Thank you for your always insightful videos. This one couldn't have come at a better time. As I've entered my 30s, over the past 3 years, I've come to realize how much one of my parents borderline tendencies - caused by their own traumas growing up - have impaired my life growing up. I left home when I was 17 and have struggled on my own for many years - especially socially - because of the effects my childhood have had on me. Many of these problems you've addressed in your videos. It's been not only helpful, but vindicating to find your content. They really resonate with me. Thank you for doing this. I just want to let you know that the stuff you create here really matter and is very helpful to people like me.

This video was very informative and helpful. Growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful home, I personally connect with a much of what you spoke about. Thank you.

First time my therapyst told me that I was the one that have to give myself incondicional love I told her that I wasn't able to do so. It took me year, I am 59 now, but I have menaged to do it, I still struggle with hypervigilance and always will but now I am happy with myself, I know who I am and love and care myself. It really feels great

Up to 14:44. I am so overwhelmed can't find words to express. Feel like you are living with me and know what I'm doing. It would be nice to talk about this whole stuff to someone who truly understands..... P.s finished it. Loved the ending when you said the only one who truly will know you is you. Will try and build step by step compassion and love for myself, will try...

Thank you Dr Sage. You have presented the material in such a clear way. I have taken heaps of notes after replaying the video a second time. You put so much heart into as well. Love to your beautiful fur babies!

Thank you so much for this channel. I'm turning 40 this year, and although I've had lots of therapy, I have learned I am still dealing with lots of abuse from my mother. Your channel has helped me realize and name this abuse. Thank you

Oh my goodness, Coco..and the dogs popping up in the background, so cute and calming!❤️ I feel like every single thing you describe is just my own life. The giving ourselves grace is so huge and I am so grateful to finally be properly appreciating this. Today, after a stressful few months of a bereavement and difficult family dynamics as a result, I decided to book myself a massage. I have not allowed myself that in years, despite loving them and knowing the benefits. I returned home a lighter, happier and more hopeful version of me which will benefit my kids too. I haved vowed to do it again soon and give myself the grace and acceptance to feel worthy of it ❤️ Thank you for another totally insightful and validating video. Have a lovely weekend Dr Sage 🙏

Coco is beautiful 😍 Cats are such healers..

7:40 constantly walking on eggshells permeates to every relationship They need to isolate to feel better 10:40 chronic scanning state 21:00 taking time to stop before having a split second reaction and saying, “parent needs a minute” 23:31 give yourself grace

Thank you for these discussions about this attachment style. You refer to BPD traits often in correlation to Disorganized, but I would also venture that some BPD diagnoses are "end symptoms" of Disorganized Attachment. I was physically and psychologically abused by my mother for 16 years - now at 61, I understand in retrospect how my life was a REACTION to my early childhood. And now I seek to be RESPONSIVE as opposed to Reactive. Stimulus-Pause-Response is a good skill to master.

Thank you for posting this. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I have a disorganised attachment style so I know how difficult it is

13:03 actually speaking up for yourself feels like conflict 13:23 work on your nervous system 13:42 recognize when you are numbing and shutting down

You’ve done more for me in a few mos or watching your channel than a year and a half in therapy did. Thank you 🥹❤️

Such a thorough plan of action. I sat here taking all these notes. Thank you-you bring me hope and a knowing, everything will be ok. 🌺🦋🌲

Kim you are such a wonderful person!! You can bring so much to the table from personal experience’s!! You have overcome so many obstacles to get where you are today:) thank you for the videos you put out! My God bless you always ❤

Parenting it's huge trigger and the child that triggers you the most is the one that is exactly like you as a child.I was a highly sensitive child and I wasn't feeling safe to express my sensitivity and my eldest son is just like me and when I started to accept my sensitivity,I could accept it in him as well.I just had yesterday a conversation with him,he is 6 and a half and he was telling me about something that made him sad and started crying.And from the outside,hearing him,someone could have said that's no reason to cry but I actually encouraged him to cry as long as he needed and told him that he is like me and I am like him,and I really understand his sadness.

I appreciate your videos so much, especially these ones on Disorganized attachment. So incredibly relatable everything you talk about here.

Oh my, I'm just in the first 10 min... I relate so much. I wish I would have understand this before my 40's. But better now than never.

You’ve described me to a T. I always thought I was just super introverted (like maxed out) but I just need that feeling of safety with isolation. Working really hard on fixing this issue.

"You survived it!" Didn't know those three words could move me to tears so quickly.

❤ I just found you when I made a strong boundary with my mom. Thank you

this was so amazing! 20 year clinician (LPC/MHSP, and PATP)...I have a disorganized attachment and am not BPD. I am 56 and dating a man who is possibly not a cluster B. This waffling is so difficult. Grace and growth indeed. A life long process for someone with CPTSD.

Dr Sage 💡😆♥️ thanks for explaining all these issues so compact , it all makes such good sense. Wow !!! Theres so much more to take in. Thanks for all the main points You highlighted. Am truly grateful for all the time you put in doing these videos. I enjoyed all the Shorts as well they are concise they hit home am left speechless. I really get it. Take good care. Keep up the Good work.👋💃😅 Bravo !!!♥️

I really appreciate your content. It is exactly what I need to hear now. And the bonus is that you're a clinician who walked the path you speak of.

Just discovered I have this attachment style… it has been mind blowing and has triggered many feelings… thanks for this content…

The way you described your video is exactly me. I have heard about the other stylea but never this. None of the others fit me and it was so frustrating. Now i feel validated.

Where do I start? There’s so much information and things to unpack here. Wow. I am a new subscriber. I believe I have this attachment style.

Thank you so very much for this video! I’ve always felt constantly on alert, and friends haven’t ever understood. I haven’t fully understood myself. I just know I needed to be constantly aware of dangers, or possible dangers. I so appreciate finding you just recently (maybe a week or so ago). My healing journey continues🙏🏽💜🙏🏽🙌🏽

Your cat Cocoa is absolutely adorable Dr. Sage.

Wow! That all sounds dead on! It was a bloody war zone 💥🔥 I understand now that my attachment style is disorganized - anxious avoidant and I now understand why. It’s time to heal and actually live for a change. 🥳😁 Thank you so much! I have been watching a lot of your videos, and they are really helpful in understanding it all 💕 and to work on fixing it. 🙏

I’m going to rewatch and write don the tips. What struck me was your saying it doesn’t work for a therapist to tell you to love yourself. 💯 I stopped going because it just wasn’t helping me, and was very expensive!

Just started my search for these type of videos, and can honestly say that this one helped me the most. To at least have more clarity in the matter. Thank you.

You just described my childhood, wow. Thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone and CAN heal. ❤

I just started my healing process and took notes, everything is gonna be better

I have so much guilt because I feel I passed alot of this on to my son not knowing or understanding how I was myself!

This video put so much together for me and opened my eyes to my life

Thank you! Such a beautiful video. Forgiveness of others and self can truly lead to grace. I wish all here peace

Thank you so very much for letting us know your history/as disorganized attachment. Makes me feel like I can actually heal this. ❤

Coco is such a cutie. This is shedding so much light. Thank you.

Hi, thank you so much for this video, such an important thing to put out to thee world. It has given me the overall vision that I have never been able to have in the past. I have worked out a lot of the elements you speak about here over my life but I have never been able to put it all together and see what I needed to to be doing to move forward and keep hold of the improvements. I have often been able to manifest changes in myself but when things are challenging I have reverted to bas behaviour and lost things again. Hopefully having all that I need to refer to in one place can help me stay with growth.. Thank you again.. Jon

I left a comment on a 3 month old video of yours named ( Narcissistic mothers) The damage done by moms with narcissism. ( I would much appreciate your advice on the comment I left in your video you made 3 months ago. ) You are a blessing to those are living in narcissistic relationships, God bless you and your family.

This video made me feel so understood and brought me to tears. Thank you.

Hi Dr. Kim, I just found out I have a disorganised attachment style via an attachment style assessment and it all started making sense, I have been scared since I found out , immediately wanted to disassociate myself from everyone but then again realised what I was doing, but at the heart of it all is fear, came to KZfaq and yours is the content that really has been helping me to cope with finding out this about myself. Thank you.

Your videos have really helped me. Thank you for putting time and effort into them.

This is my life. I live in confusion or dissociation. You nailed my life. That and your trauma masking video- God this feels so hopeless. You absolutely nailed this.

ty doc! ❤ i wouldn’t say it’s the only thing but the main thing helping me heal my disorganized attachment is cultivating an embodied understanding of boundaries. meditation & mindfulness were a big part of that, but the pain didn’t end until i stopped apologizing for having boundaries. ❤❤❤

Watching this video has been profoundly impactful on me. Thank you.

I've been enjoying your videos for a while. I just recently discovered that my attachment style is Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant. I have been going through some pretty tough struggles with my partner and wanted to understand myself better and this is how I found out. Since then, about a week ago, my partner asked for a 90-day break. I can't even tell you how triggered I am, vacillating between extreme sadness, loneliness, abandonment, rejection and all kinds of fears, to anger, disappointment and disgust (because he fell off the wagon right before his treatment starts.) I feel like my brain and heart are constantly being stretched in two different directions. Add to this that my new roommate of 5 months is triggering me as well for too many reasons to list. I am in counseling and just started CODA (codependents Anon). I do spend a lot of time in self-reflection as well. Part of me just wants to run away, but I am being strong and trying to push through the fears and pain. Plus, no drinking for a month now and getting my food addiction under control.

Thank you so much these helped a lot❤

Bye Coco! Have a lovely nap!!

What do you do? If one parent is deceased and the other has dementia and it is an old folks home? I divorced my parents emotionally years ago and have really just started to understand this attachment style and why I have issues with many parts of my life. I am exhausted. My nervous system and my endocrine system is very depleted. I appreciate your videos. I have been working on myself for 31 years.

I hadn’t heard of a double whammy like that attachment style, but It sounds familiar. 💕 Thanks for addressing it.

I really appreciate this content. I am determined to heal and lead a healthy balanced life. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. I like what you said about learning from others - we can’t do this alone! Thank you again!

I love all your different backdrops! So soft and feminine! The nicest I’ve seen yet! 💯

This is the most helpful video I've seen about disorganized attachment so far. I just started a new job waiting tables and oh boy is it triggering. Good suggestions here, especially reminding myself to pause before reacting. Thank you so much!!

Same here, I have no personality disorder (I was asking my therapist to see her results of me and cross checking it with her bc I feel like a borderline sometimes) but still have disorganized attachment issues with those wide swings between avoidant and anxious styles.. thanks for pointing out that this is possible ❤

your work is so brilliant, and your thinking is so clear and profound, it is hard to find words to describe it succinctly! thank you for these great insightful videos! it sounds like you have a wonderful practice, congratulations!

Heidi Priebe does videos on this and she is the most knowledgeable from what I’ve seen. She calls it an extremely disorienting experience

I was also parentified. My mom told me everything about her life and I was her counselor a lot of the time

Everything you describe is word for word what my mother did to me.

Thank you. I have been doing therapy/personal growth/recovery for years now. I’ve always had a push/pull between desperately wanting connection in relationships and needing time alone to regulate my nervous system. This video describes me in a way I have never heard before and it makes so much click. You have helped me so much and helped me understand the dynamic in my current relationship. Blessings and gratitude! 🙏🏼💙

Awww. Your cat is beautiful

I’ve been superrr triggered in my relationship as of recently. I’ve been noticing I feel more and more avoidant. When listening I had NO IDEA that my reclusive behavior was a part of my attachment style. It makes so much sense though. Space isn’t just something that could help, it’s something that i genuinely need in order to feel safe.

Loved this video. Very helpful insight into the healing journey of the inner child. Oh...your fluffy feline is adorable❤ looking forward to the next video. One more think. I hope you understand how much of a positive impact you are making on many people like myself. We can not run from ourselves. Thank you for creating a practical path that helps us to navigate the challenging realm of emotional healing. We cant run from our emotions if we want to heal. We have to run straight into them. Sharing your journey lets others know that they are not alone in this journey. That truth provides comfort. I hope to see some book publishings of yours in the future if you have not done so already. I feel like you understand how I feel. Wishing you all of the inner fulfillment that you seek in helping others heal. I am a sure fire supporter of your work. Thanks again.

Thank u for being straight forward honest! I don't really believe in that saying "time heals all wounds" anymore. Over time with therapy and doing u'r homework you will become more aware of u'r emotions and be able to regulate them better, reduce maladaptive behaviours. But don't expect healing completely. U can't cut out from u'r brain the part in which all that trauma happened. Again thank u! Honesty with oneself and others is always great!

22:28 I love that moment. I'm starting to get moments like that.

Dr. Sage I have an ABA background and I find your videos so informative and helpful and have forwarded them to my loved ones , colleagues . I have found them useful within my personal and work life thank you for sharing your knowledge!