"You often have a tendency to isolate when you are really emotional. Being alone is the only time we are not scanning or trying to take care of others."

I used to say" I'm sorry "all the time at age 16 even when I didn't do anything. At age 4 , I ran away a lot and hid all the time until I was 14 . I was the oldest caretaker, raised my 3 siblings / maid . Raging father , narcissistic mother . As an adult my profession is a nurse . This resonates with me so much . I islolate , read , paint and get in nature to recharge my batteries. I really appreciate your work. Thank you so much 💓

I recently realized i eat really quicky but throughout my whole life i havent put much thought into it and just thought that its normal. Then recently someone pointed out it seems like im not even breathing when eating. So i decided to pay attention to my eating habits more and realized that my body actually goes on stress mode when there is food around. I think it has to do with growing up in a school that had short lunch periods and stressing out to finish it quickly especially when stuck in a long queue as well as my physically abusive father who used to come home around dinner time with a bad mood and usually take it out on me, so i rushed my eating so i could escape the dinner table. I am away from all of that now but it seems like my body still remembers.

I said Sorry to everyone for anything. People were always asking me why I was apologizing for the most benign, ridiculous things. I also found myself always trying to "prove" my worthiness to others. It was a bad habit I couldn't shake for over 30 years. Nowadays, I don't apologize as much unless I actually mess up, and I'm finding that I give less and less of an F of what people think of me. I am tired of playing small. I am not there yet--I may never fully recover. But, I am doing better. I find that I'm a bit more flippant about what people think. I even may come across a bit self-centered just because I've always put myself last. I want and deserve more for myself.

Hyper empathy can be malignant empathy. I had to learn to curb my empathy. We had to sacrifice our authentic personality in order to perform to accommodate to meet our parents’ expectations. We were there to meet parents needs instead of our parents meeting our needs. To my parents I could do nothing right no matter what I did. It was so hurtful bc I would test things to be better but NOTHING changed. I also became that I just didn’t care anymore bc nothing worked. So as an adult in friendships and dating I just would do the minimum. I transferred my reactions to my parents to everyone. If people didn’t like it I just wouldn’t care. Long story. I’ve been perceived by people that I’m cold and noncaring ., some of that is just bc it’s all just exhausting dealing with people for my reasons or theirs. I have thought bc of my research and a long recovery process I’ve doubled down on taking care of my health. Also the ppl who get sick are the ppl who never address their family of origin dynamics. I’ve been revealing out loud in recovery support groups, seminars etc all of the childhood trauma I’ve been through.

TY Kim for addressing all of this in such a sensitive way without minimizing what we are going through. Other ppl covering these topics are often somewhat flippant or minimizing what we’re going through. I guess it’s bc I have a temperament very similar to yours so the way you deliver this knowledge is very appropriate and balanced. I appreciate you so much.

I grew up with narcissistic parents.. As a sole parent I feel responsible to fix everything for my now adult kids and grandkids… im also grieving the loss of my eldest son … im exhausted.

Wow ... this caused me to have an "aha!" moment. Now I understand certain things about me ...

My childhood was NEVER about me - was just in the background to 2 immature, alcoholic, parents that emotionally neglected their kids. In adulthood, they continue to do that and I'm the only one that currently speaks to them, although our relationship has become very strained in the past few years. I grew up taking things extremely personally from the way others behaved, became extremely fawning and the caretaker in my relationships, and allowed others to treat me terribly. Now in my mid-40s I have finally started learning how to use my voice and set boundaries, and I'm finally finding my own identity!

Lately I've been struggling with keeping a job with excessive burn out, and I quickly realized that the amount of burn out was no where equivalent to the work ethic I was having. I came across the idea of sympathy exhaustion and I think thats the source of my burn out. I saw it for medical care takers and health professionals (which I am not) and realized that the amount of trauma I was neglecting and the amount of care I had put into others was causing me to have this sympathetic burn out. Trauma dump here: My dad was a bully to me growing up, as he was attempting to ascertain his dissertation while keeping an affair secret. Me, being the neurodivergent, queer, and creative youngest child whos interests were in music and art, I was an easy target. He had narcissistic traits and only valued me if I wore pretty dresses (I'm trans and it made me highly uncomfortable) and played sports (I'm not the athletic type). When I turned 15, we had, at this stage, argued every night about different aspects of my life, either I wasnt making enough friends, my grades werent good enough (high B's and mid-A's) or my own personal studies in astrophysics were wrong and that it was useless for me to teach myself things that I was going to be inaccurate with (he was in the wrong, and I ended up dropping that interest). He then left me and my family, my oldest brother was in college and was able to completely remove himself physically from the environment. My middle brother resorted to stealing my adhd meds and sold them. My mom became a bit of an alcoholic and was struggling financially. My best (and only) friend's brother drowned that same month he left and their bulimia/self harm was coming back. So, I spread myself thin, concentrated on school work, my job, and my relationships to keep everyone as afloat as possible. Then, my dad kept reaching out asking for forgiveness and I eventually caved because my mom practically begged me to have a father figure. So, everyone around me who was hurting I held up. I bought hygeine products for my brothers, and they wouls complain about the brand, not realizing thats all I could afford. I would cook dinner for my mom and make sure she got into bed instead of spending the night on the couch covered in wine. I would then multitask between doing school work and being my best friends therapist. And I did that until the pandemic hit, which I then was able to not support my family, but my friend still demanded I support her despite some major life decisions I was having to make for myself. Yesterday was the first time since I was twelve that I prioritized my own needs over others. I took myself to some botanical gardens, got a tattoo, got my favorite boba, then went out for drinks with my mom. The other day, my dad commented during a short phone call that, "I only call him when I need something" as I asked him which city he was born in for information the Danish embassy needed as I'm trying to get my citizenship there so I can get free schooling with a potential stipend from the government. And that completely enraged me, as I had given him everything in my body and soul to get his approval and the most I got was a paid phone bill and a hand me down busted car. Only ONCE in my life have I heard him say the words, "I'm proud of you" and it was after he left us for another family 6 years ago. So now I've concluded that I am worthy of the love and care that I put into others, and now I have the responsibility to care for myself and discover who I really am without catering to the needs of those who claim they need me.

I’m 65, and I have been in/out of the mental health system since I was 20. I work F/T from home, for the most part, since C19. We moved to my current locale in 2013, and my hubby unexpectedly passed in 2015. My kids live in different states, and I don't have a car. I live a solitary life. My diagnoses are PTSD, MDD, GAD & ADHD. The first three were the earliest diagnoses. ADHD came decades later, even though I was always this way. I constantly searched and read to learn how to fix myself. When I hit 60, I decided to stop trying to fix myself and focus on acceptance. Late last year, my daughter called to tell me she was diagnosed with autism. She thought I might be autistic as well. I rejected the idea at first. I was tired of running on the diagnostic track and all that entailed. Here I am, picking up the baton, wondering if I still have the stamina to hit the ground running. I'm leisurely walking currently. But I've started.

Spot on. So nice to see / hear that “it’s” actually a pattern: Good to get names, reasons. This is all me.

I constantly feel like I've done something wrong when it comes to my kids. I'm so hyper-vigilant about their comfort, so when they are unhappy, I blame myself 😮. I'm 41, and I still feel unloveable, and I'm still learning how to set boundaries. Thank you for bringing motherhood into your examples. It really resonates with me and I'm sure many other mothers ❤

Describing my old self: Automatic hypervigilance and empathy toward everyone and not “knowing this” until I was revictimized and endured the worst trauma of my life. At 48 years old

I have just started looking into narcissism over the last few months, i believe that my wife is a narc she seems to fit all the markers but I keep finding myself questioning whether she’s a narc as soon as Im at the point of certainty. We dated for a year before we married and she was perfect before the “I do” then on our honeymoon it was a 180 change, the first 8 years were a living hell, I literally couldn’t do anything right, I couldn’t put the right clothes on the kids, I always fed them the wrong food etc.. I remember I got a letter in the mail stating that I might be going to war, so I was a bit stressed so I was smoking in the doorway of the porch and not all the way outside because it was raining and she came home and started yelling at me for smoking in the doorway, I explained the situation and she said “oh well that’s what you signed up for deal with it”. She get extremely upset when I don’t buy exactly what she approves of, I have to ask her if it’s ok to buy anything or she gets upset, if I buy the smallest thing like vitamins or a more expensive laundry detergent she get really upset. If I get gas at a gas station that she doesn’t approve of she gets mad, she questions everything I purchase (mind you she is a stay at home wife/mom). If we (the kids and I) don’t do what she wants when she wants or if we don’t think and say what she wants she get extremely angry. Vacations are miserable because of her control obsession. We home school our children but all she does is print out a bunch of packets but leaves it up to them to get it done( she doesn’t do them with them) and she takes them to a co-op. She doesn’t do any cleaning and doesn’t make sure the kids bathe and most nights she has the older kids make dinner (because I work 2nd shift), I do all the cooking on the weekends, I do all the laundry, I change the sheets I do the house cleaning, I do all the yard work, I do all the repairs around the house and to the cars. She is a slob, she only showers maybe once a week. She spends most of her free time on her phone playing games or shopping and she will spends hours on the toilet. The kids tell me when I’m not home all she does is yell and curse and then go up to our room and stay there the rest of the day. She will tell me how much she misses me and loves me but when I’m home she is either ignoring/not paying any mind to me, in the bathroom or upstairs in our room because she is either tired or stressed. She will gaslight me often and she loves to deflect and never genuinely takes responsibility for anything it’s always someone else’s fault, she has rules for her and a different set of rules for everyone else. But she can also be kind and nice or so it seems and it can seem as though she has empathy and compassion. The only time it seemed to be good in our marriage was about 8-9 years ago when I got her to start to live as God asked us to in his word, that lasted for about 7years but now I’m thinking it was because I did as God said and would forgo my wishes as I thought it was good to give in to all she wanted and said. I have been trying to exit but I get this sense of dread and anxiety and extreme fear so I abandon it and run back to her, it all seems much better as soon as I run back the fear and anxiety goes away and I just repeat that cycle. I think I am trama bonded and codependent. But I don’t know if I’m right or not.

Oh my gosh what an intelligent & compassionate take on this issue. I’ve lived with this pattern for years, & so do my closest friends! We are natural caregivers, but we are “making meaning” & I needed to hear this!! Xoxo ❤

I remember reading my mother when I was very little. I could always tell if she was upset by telling her I loved her and if she responded kindly, I knew she wasn’t upset with me; but if she got snappy or just refused to respond, I knew I had upset or angered her. She would always make me guess. It was frustrating and always made me walk on eggshells. I never felt safe with her the way I should have. I finally received enough counseling that l learned to set boundaries with her as an adult. I also stood up to her at age 48 when she was spinning a narrative that wasn’t correct and was extremely hurtful and I shocked her when I said that’s how you feel about yourself and you need to feel with those feelings from your own childhood and stop projecting them onto me. It took a little while, but it changed our relationship for the better. We still had a few rocky times, but she also knew after that I was not afraid to stand up to her. She passed away in Dec. 2022 and thankfully we had gotten to a really good place at the end. Now if I can navigate finding a partner who doesn’t trigger me constantly, I will be a lot better. I am still struggling with that.

She is describing my life exactly. From childhood to dating to marriage to then divorce after 22 years.

It is absolutely amazing how the topics you choose to discuss are synchronized with events that have recently or are currently happening in my life. It's like you are psychic! Anyway, a friend called to vent about something that wasn't going right today and I immediately wanted to go and fix the situation for her. She in turn got frustrated with me because she just wanted me to listen not try to fix the situation. Well for me that was very difficult because I have had to fix things my whole life as you described when you are raised in trauma. So just listening and not offering to help is very, very difficult...kind of like holding back the water in a dam with my pinky finger. So I ended the conversation by saying good luck and had to try to regain my composure on my own. Well I don't know if I shared the right kind of story with you but thank you for sharing this very helpful information with us. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that we can't save the world. By the way, have I mentioned how much I am enjoying your videos?!! I learn so much from all of them. Your info on autism is absolutely fascinating, too!! Thank you so much! ❤

Very insightful and validating! Thank you! I’m getting better at setting boundaries and untethering myself from my partner’s emotional state. It’s very difficult. I still isolate myself most of the time from other people because I quickly slip back into that “empath” mask when I’m around anyone else. Your point about how usually being an “empath” is not a personality, but rather a trauma response. That resonated and really shined a light into an obscure place in myself. I was always managing my parents’ emotions, and other adults and my friends would dump on me. It made me feel special that people trusted me. It was really painful to later realize they were exploiting me, and I’ve never fully acknowledged it until you described it so clearly. I still over-empathize and manage others feelings sometimes, but at least I’m catching myself more often and am able to reframe. It’s a process! One inner-child step at a time :)

This reminds me of the self-sabotage why we put ourselves into relationships with the people who are just like the people we grew up with. I just recognized that I am exactly in that and I don't know how to get out of it men are the most important, women will never be equal, and I will never be able to be my true self and completely happy because it would upset the balance. It's people pleasing on topof utilizing the hyper empathic/vigilance on top of realizing you can never be truly yourself so you will never allow yourself to be truly happy.

This makes perfect sense; it's mindblowing to learn that hyper-empathy is cultivated in this way ...thank you so much Dr Kim for your work; its is very helpful and enlightening. Your tips at the end are very helpful 🙏 Your videos always give me profound epiphanies

Spot on,thank you so much for sharing. (I am even insecure how to react here,may be I say the wrong thing and everybody gets Hurt by me .:()

I'm really suffering from my new medical team after my long-term psychiatrist retired. He used to write a letter informing my specialists that I will present well but can only "agree with whatever they said" - it got me straight A's in school (because I could read exactly what each teacher wanted and needed). Now when the medical community informs me that I'd be better with/without a certain medication or procedure- I can do nothing but agree.

I really needed to hear you today. Putting the peace’s together. I’m just in tears today. I’m just so tired.

Dr. Kim, you are such a blessing. I've been seeing a female therapist for 15 years. She has helped me tremendously. Listening to you is like listening to a mother's soothing voice that I didn't get to experience. Therapy would not be the same with a man - I've tried it. Please continue to teach us how to overcome these childhoods we all have experienced. I look forward to your next video. Joe.

This is me! I am not able to find a psychologist to accurately help me with these issues unfortunately.

Thank you for the validation of these behaviors/feelings. There are no words to express my genuine gratitude. My heart hurts when I think of how I passed on traits during my own parenting experience unknowingly. You are appreciated.

i had to turn my back on my baby sis. i lost her to adoption and we met 5 years ago first time, that was 47 years later, you would have been great help to her it’s not her fault i laughed and we got along. to have no set only i only wish you could’ve accesed her. her mum was borderline. God Bless.

My mom has BPD and my dad was extremely neglectful and cheated on her for nearly six years, they were both alcoholics. They seperated when i was 14 and I spent a year living with my dad and would only see him five minutes a week at max, essentially completely caring for myself. My mom got sober and they got back together, moed the family out to florida, he cheated on her and she still refuses to divorce him, but theyre seperated again. Because shes sober now she refuses to acknowledge any problems or ways her disorder effects me. She constantly guilt trips me and says i hate her or shes the bad guy, because I'll say something she did that was shitty. Now i dont talk to anyone, ive learned to just stay quiet and manage my emotions because if I show any emotion she'll latch on and get mad or just invalidate it. But if i dont share my emotions then its because i hate her and cant communicate properly and how i need to improve myself. Theres just no winning.

I’ve always had a trauma personality. I have dissociative identity disorder and have memories of being a newborn (within first week) of barbaric SAbuse 🤬. For 28 years from sperm donor who taught his 2 sons to do same. Even in my marital bed n home 😡. And the egg womb donor…… knew all about it since newborn. Saw with her own eyes. Their was lots more SA from other people when that pig sperm donor was around 🤬🤬🤬. My spectrum is extreme Re trauma. However studying psych n sociooogy (double degree) saved we. Met beautiful hubby. Married nearly 24 years next month. Have 2 beautiful kids. Have highs n lows like other people. But psychology saved we. Always has n always will. Our hyper vigilance n high empathy as a result is extreme. Getting a lot better now but still their. We all refuse to be anything like those disgusting people as parents. We are very warm loving n kind. Most of time. That’s our victory. They could destroy our body n personality. But not our soul who rebuilt us back up to mortal life. And we have done it. Hubby n kids are best people for us also. Kind loving etc. finally get happy ending ❤❤❤

I always though that everything was my fault when things happened to my siblings and friends .. definitely over work .. also spend a lot of time alone .. because I could not be alone with such a large dysfunctional family .. that you you are Brilliant and your videos will help so many people . ❤

3 minutes in and you’ve perfectly described my childhood and my dynamic with my ex-partner. Thank you for speaking so empathetically about these patterns. ❤

This is an excellent video, a lot of what you mentioned applies to me (47 men), with the addition that I have to be also emotionally my mothers boyfriend, so she could somehow keep herself together after my father died.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU ,THANK YOU . The situation I been trying to fix for decades. You are Very, Very much Appreciated, DR.! Beautiful, Compassionate and Wise.! Not fawning. Just to make that clear. Just had to say it!

So glad I came across this channel.

So much insight! I'm a new subscriber!

I needed this video today. This information really hit. Thank you very much. ✌🏼🧡

I hate the topic but it applies to me, but i love listening to you. I for one, loved the minecraft music toward the end of the video :)

One thing that puzzled me when I first learned about trauma personality was how you could find a partner that seemed ideal, then later realize that this person had the same parental traits that you had hoped to avoid. I think this happens because we fail to recognize the childhood need that was not satisfied - we focus only on the external behaviors we want to avoid. In my case, I missed that the real need was to feel loved simply for who I am, but my conscious goal was to avoid people who could not manage their anger, and find people who seemed like capable adults who did not need my constant attention. Well, I actually dated people who made me feel loved and ignored red flags, so there were unpleasant surprises as we got to know one another, but truthfully, nothing I could have or should have seen had I felt whole before entering into the relationship.

Thank you for sharing this work with us. I just found you and your explanations really speak to me and help. It means a lot.

Yeah. This hit me like a MAC truck; like everything!

So amazing. Thank you, Goddess❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Holy cow this girl is georgous!

👌🏼✅Thank you…. This hit home from the very first minute through the whole video.

I love and appreciate your videos. They fit perfectly with where i am at and the things i am learning and working through. Thank you so much for all the work you do.

Your posts are always SO educational! I've lived 65 years with many of these childhood experiences/ neurodiverse functioning issues and marital history. Thank you for your support!!!

Well said. Thank you. Relate. Both hypers and dealing w LC EBV CFS RA 💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊

Thank you so much for this video. I am grateful for your words. Interesting and incredibly helpful. I have come to realize that I experience some neglect as a child and it has spilled into my adult life. I believe that my partner was also neglected as a child and he also knows this and will talk about it occasionally. Could you please do a video about how we as partners and loved ones can be most supportive and how I can help myself and encourage and support him at the same time. I know that I am a highly emotional woman going thru the change of life😭😀😭🤣. I am learning to recognize my hormonal imbalance and it’s not always easy. He is supportive. I know we are on the right track. Communicating emotions is important but difficult. Ideas?

" I'm talking too fast" LOL I'm watching this on 2Xspeed cuz I'm honestly interested but I have no attention span so it's the only way I can hear what you're saying

Dear Dr. Kim, A super case study with above 80% data considered correct in order to draw the picture of a “traumatic mind”. Yes, Fortunately or unfortunately this time analysis was very good (guess how the scenario was given & really thankful to the gurl from afternoon 😅) and also the examples and assumptions of that brain (lets say) was massively accurate. We can say, the process of Detecting the problem was impressive. Now, Resolving the problem. Question may come, How could the healing process may start with? Couple of methods been tried earlier nut expected result was not impressive, However, Eager to fo so again, for sure YES, in coming days, brain fogs need to remove as much as possible and Viwers would wait for the next episode, full of resolution process please. Please note: Your analysis is working but after successful session, There may be a privacy issue required for viewers as too much unnecessary attention may not help the recovery time or the performance itself (unless it’s really required) Cheers

I'll never forget when I was 12 yrs old, my mother coming into my bedroom in the middle of the night. She was drunk & flipped on my light, "Do you even care where I've been tonight? I'll bet you don't." I was taught, after my grandma died, to emotionally support my 30-yr-old mother. I tried to ignore. She went on, anyway, to tell me that a strange womam called the house & asked if she was talking to (my dad)'s wife. She said my dad (step) had also been living with her daughter & grand-daughter for 6 mos. My dad would come home to his 1st home on the weekends like nothing. My mother confronted the other woman & my dad wouldn't defend my mother. This was my fault, somehow. Maybe because I hadn't been there (at a town 3 hrs to the north) to be on my mother's side. And now here I was, not caring about what she went through. Then she told me the rest of it: my dad's side piece had a 13-yr-old daughter, a year older than me & the grandmother suspected that my dad had been sleeping with her, too, in addition to her mother. My dad was sleeping with mother & daughter. My mother told me that when I was 12 & wanted me to take care of it for her. This kind of problem came with a period of X amt of time where I was not allowed to have any needs or problems. If I tried to talk to my mother about this now, she would deny she ever told me those things. So, then- who did? My dad pretended it never happened.

I relate completely

so true...

This is so me.

What happens if ur basically correct in every assumption your hyper vigilance brings? It’s not always a false story your mind is making up… most of the time I’m right..

My husband keeps me in this mode and I’m tired

Thank you for all your videos. I wonder if you can do a video about being rased by a psychopath? My father was a psychopath, he was really scary, but sometimes nice, you never know. When I was a baby he hold me outside the window, said he drop me, only to impess a friend. He even was suspect of murder, he had tortyred prostitude and rape them. But then he coulld be very nice, saing daddy loves you. He never hit me or something, but the scary part was enough. He drank and furnitures flew in the wall, really rage, I was terrifide, wanted home to my mom. I was allowed one phonecall and called mom. Now you had your phonecall he said, first person that knocked on the door I will kill, dont care if its mommy...Other time I witness how he stabbed a friend with a knife. But then he was there best buddy again, and they accept...and I was daddys girl agein. And so it was almost every weekend until I had enough, it ended with that he killed my pets...💔 I had a need to tell everyone what I went throu...couldent stop talking. And that made me a very strange young women/teen, instaid of party and fun. I struggle with being a peoplepleaser, I been married for 32 years, and I didnt set bounderies until resently. When I meet friends I talk to much about my problems, then overthinking and feel shame because I should listen to other people instaid of trying to get advice to manage my life or I should not talk "bad" of someone, even if then hurt me. I got both ME/CFS, Fibromyalgi, IBS...I think my trauma get worse, I get stuck. So what happens inside when something like this happens, when you lived with a phychopath as a child? Friendly regards Maria

💯💯💯

Cool

What if you only have moods and emotions,didn’t develop a coping skills as a personality 😬

I’m very confused about the references to autism…my ex husband is high functioning and he has ZERO empathy, why I left.

"You're dangerous"...this is the message my mother instilled in me. I was dangerous, according to my mother. I was the one who made her want to kill herself. I spent my whole life trying to prove I'm a good person.

CAN YOU PLEASE GO LIVE SOMETIME?

😩😩😩😩

Can you try to make a video about Kanye West (seriously)?

U really don't know who I am my whole life is a lie idk what to tell ya

don't self advocate

Nice microphone 🫥.