😳

Yup.

As a former people pleaser and golden child...ow

😲

Literally every relationship i have been in smh 😩

Omg yes I thought I was the only one.

Adult Child turns into Child Adult.

Oh yes....me too. My mother expected me to be her parent and be adult, do all on my own. But now I must be her little kid at 30.

Yeah. Mines reversed pretty good when she saw she had finally broken my spirit at 14 after a suicide attempt. F**k that. She literally uses the creepiest voice with me now. Acts (and has actually said) that she has to "walk on eggshells" when around me since then. Also around this time she started using my younger brother more as a parent figure. It all culminated in her accusing him of "abusing women" every day when he was a teenager. He never has, fyi, and likely never will. She essentially replaced all the male figures in her life with him, and all the female figures in her life with me. I was her mom/therapist/financial advisor/travel guide at age 3. I can still remember her keeping me up late into the night when I was a toddler telling me about her sexual abuse. She f*ck*d me up and I hate her. Now that I'm independent of her (I literally left at age 18 immediately asap and flew back to the U.S. to be homeless essentially just to get away) she acts like I'm so lost and afraid and always hurting etc etc always offering a place for me etc. But she barely has enough to take care of herself

My mum was deliberately abusive and neglectful towards me from pretty much the moment I was born. My dad was a good parent but he had to work increasingly hard to protect me from my mother (and this was a focal point of their increasingly failing marriage). I had an older brother but my mother's treatment towards him was completely different (nurturing to the point that he was babied, extreme favouritism, she would also encourage him to behave badly). Then my father suddenly died and I found myself having to look after both my mother and brother; my mother refused to come out of bed most days and wouldn't cook or clean, and my brother just ran wild on the farm like a feral animal (he basically couldn't be depended on to do anything). I stepped very quickly into the role of carer (mother) to both because I thought that I was to blame for my mother not loving me and I hoped that if I helped her to get better, perhaps then at the end of it she would love me (and we would one day enjoy a normal mother-daughter relationship). Instead what happened was me being subjected to an increasingly emotionally and physically abusive relationship that was at times, downright sadistic. She not only constanly and effectively emotionally manipulated and blackmailed me into feeling sorry for her and looking after her (I feared that she would kill herself if I didn't do more to help her get better, and one time she did almost kill my brother after she contemplated murder suicide), but she was simultaneously terrifying and would met out cruel punishments for the most minor transgressions (or even nothing at all), such as starving me, beating me, name calling me, locking me out of the house and more (she would also encourage my brother to attack me both physically and verbally). She regularly switched between playing the victim and being the abuser (although was often both roles simultaneously). There were many phases though. Some of the more fucked up phases was a time when she deliberately made me repeatedly ill (using rat poison) so that she could get attention. But when I fell ill out of her control, she refused to get me medical help. When she created illnesses in me, she would often ignore or mess around with doctors advice to stretch out the illness in me as much as possible. I spent a lot of my childhood suffering from (avoidable) malnutrition. My mother had an unhealthy relationship with my gender and developing sexual presence. She would try to pinch my bum all the time while calling me demeaning names. Puberty was hell and she became obsessed with my periods and shaming me over them. She had no respect for boundaries and would talk about my periods to just about anyone. She kept me ignorant about sexual matters but if men looked my way, she would blame and punish me for it. She would often refuse to buy me sanitary supplies (or if she did, ones which were often very inappropriate). When an old male relative tried to assault me when I was age 11, far from protecting me from him, she forced me to spend even more time with him. It was common for her to put me into situations like this where I was at serious risk of harm (and if anything bad did happen, I would be blamed for it). From age of 11 onwards I was pretty much abandoned at boarding school (where I was severely bullied) and when I was not at boarding school, I was increasingly fobbed off to just about anyone who would take me (I stayed with some people at times for weeks or months at a time who were virtual strangers). But when I did occasionally have to return home, the treatment at home was increasingly worse (not only the neglect, but her moods were increasingly volatile and when she became angry, she would work herself into literal screaming fit states where she would rant almost incoherently). But a really weird phase was that in the midst of all this abuse & neglect, not long after I turned 15, she started trying to feed me baby food (those little jars and packets of mush) all the time and buying wildly age inappropriate stuff (for example after "forgetting" my birthday, she got me a cake designed for a 3 year old). She even bought baby clothes. I found it deeply disturbing and when I confronted her about it, she offered to breastfeed me (what in the actual fuck). By age 16, I failed in a suicide attempt after finishing school. But my rock bottom phase was where I began to rebel and fight back though (so many awful things had occurred over the years, I started giving the finger to pretty much everyone in my life). Rebellion was vital to saving my life. But as the days counted down towards me moving out (I successfully managed to move out of home and begin living independently at age 16), her crazy behaviour certainly didn't lessen or abate; some of the batshit crazy stuff she did was trying to encourage me to marry a 1st cousin, trying to encourage me to get pregnant (in general) and ringing up random coworkers to tell them what a little slut I was (I wasn't and I was a virgin). So yeah, things were pretty bad growing up. After I moved out of home, I initially refused to have any contact with my mother (and wondered if I should cut my brother out of my life too because he hadn't been all that great either). But after a period of contact absence, she started trying to blackmail me into contact with her. Eventually I conceded because I hoped that no longer being in an environment under her control, I could perhaps call the shots and demand a more normal/natural mother-daughter relationship (which I still craved). But instead what entailed was years more stress and bullying behaviour from her before I finally pulled the plug on the relationship. A couple of years later I also cut my ties with my brother after he repeatedly showed himself to be little better than her (the apple did not fall far from the tree with him). Ending both relationships was incredibly difficult, but 2 of the best things I ever did for myself. Looking back now, there is no denying that my childhood and early adult formative experiences have defined me massively. I'm not sure if I can say that anything was to my advantage either, because I not only missed out on so much childhood, love, guidance and normal life experiences (etc), but I have had to fight serious bouts of depression and anxiety throughout my adult years (I also suffered from agoraphobia at one point for a few years). Being somewhat on the spectrum has also made trying to learn about and emulate normal life stuff very challenging. And it sucks, because I don't want to be permanently defined by my childhood forever (I don't want to be this dysfunctional "victim of circumstances" forever, I did not choose this life). But I am a fighter. And since a bout of suicidal depression (and almost giving up) some years ago, I have been fighting really hard to turn things around for myself. So I quit smoking, lost lots of weight, tackled my agoraphobia, started getting help for my depression & anxiety, began driving lessons, got my licence, applied for college, passed college with flying colours and am now at university (and just any university, its a top world ranking one). Life is still really hard, I suffer from a sense of Imposter Syndrome and I was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD (therapy of which has been on hold because of the pandemic) and although I have someone who loves and supports me, I have really put them through the mill at times because of my problems (so although there is a lot of love I feel like it's a bit of a miracle that my relationship has survived). I've also lost a lot of remaining family due to deaths, and I have had to deal with plenty of other toxic relationships along the way (and I am currently abstaining from social media for various reasons). But whenever I am feeling down, I simply have to ask myself "So are you going to give up?" and I feel a big resounding feeling of "NO!!" come from deep within me, because I am a fighter (and I will not give up on life until I have truly explored and expired all options!). Despite coming this far, I still don't know if I am going to make it because the more I have succeeded, the more challenges and greater adversities have arisen (life has basically gotten better and harder in equal measures, and I sometimes feel stretched thin to the point of breaking). For example the recent Complex PTSD diagnosis, the episodes I have experienced have been very challenging to cope with. I also have a lot of unfinished business (some of which will be the most difficult business of all to go through) with people which I know that I should attend once I've gotten past certain steps (pass university, etc). I know I have to keep some things on hold if I'm to cope with life and not let my problems jeopardise and derail all the progress that I have made. But then I think that life is just like that in general; there are very few clear-cut answers, promises or guarantees in life, so you just have to keep on going (because if you wait for perfect timing, support or guarantees, you could find yourself waiting indefinitely forever). In life you just gotta go for it, make the best of what you have and generate your own luck and opportunities (where circumstances have otherwise denied you of them), whenever you can and as much as you can. You may need to work 4x as hard as some other people to obtain the same things in life (and do it with not half as much family, help or support as those other people have). But if those are the cards that life has dealt you, then just play the damn best game that you can (nothing will be achieved by giving up, and if you fight hard, you can come out on top of even people who initially had much more going for them than you). Keep fighting and never give up! If you fall down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off & carry on forwards. Ithink that its very important in life to learn to be your own cheerleader.

Same! I'm sorry!

Same

Same

Same.

Same.

You’re welcome!

man i feel like i relate to this comment so much..... but anyways proud of you for keep holding on until now ❤️

@@DrTraceyMarks Please make videos on internet addiction. I believe I have internet addiction.

😔😔😔

This! I've often had that, like I was set up for failure feeling... As far as not being parented with concern for my emotional health, confidence, healthy\appropriate independence... And even basic skills one needs to better function, as an adult. I was conditioned to put everyone else and their needs above my own.. While, no one in my family ever seemed to put my needs above their own... If that makes sense. And even now, as I try to talk with my mom about anything important, it's always as if I'm a bother... When I try to bring up how hurtful it is that she can never validate my feelings or traumatic experiences... Then she starts crying and yelling at me that everyone always blames their mother, I wasn't perfect and caused her grief, that I'm being overly dramatic or acting like a lunatic etc (she knows how to set off a meltdown and then uses that as an excuse to ignore what I'm saying because I'm crazy and out of control.) I'm neurodivergent but went undiagnosed until 40yo! When I told her that my son's Dr said I present a very strong Asperger's profile, she literally rolled her eyes and sighed at me. I feel like I was fooled and conditioned into believing I had a great, supportive, loving family.. And they are, as long as you follow their beliefs, ideals, politics, faith etc... Wow guess I needed to get that out. Thanks to anyone that read this, and I just want to say.. You are an amazing person, that deserves all of the love and good things!

I send my condolences your way 🙏

Sorry for your loss. May he R.I.P.

Sorry for your loss doc. My heart goes out to you, my hippocratic sister ❤

So sorry your brother died so young, unimaginable loss... May God grant you His Shalom peace that surpasses understanding 💞

So very sorry for your loss🙏🏽🙏🏽

yes, I can relate and it's truly debilitating to hear from one's mother ... ugggh

@Val Grim Good for you. That type of baggage is heavy. No one should have to endure that type of abuse.

Just to be clear: I have sympathy for my mother in this. She had to shoulder A LOT of responsibility in that relationship (essentially, all of it), plus a disgusting amount of out-of-nowhere blame and derision. I get why she was terrified of being discarded and clinging to a fantasy of "that's the best choice there is". And, as I said, I saw through it and didn't personalize. Still a shame though.

I just realized a few days ago that this is something I had done to my children and hadn't ever been able to see that I was any part of the problems that we were all suffering in and when I saw that I hadn't been just a victim and realized I was engaging in abusive behaviour it was so fucking painful because I do love my children so you might imagine living somebody with all your heart and then finding out that the way u expressed your love was in a way that was with mental blows repeatedly. It's such a nauseating realization. Luckily as I was was becoming aware of these nauseatingly painful realizations there was a presence with me that kept me from abusing my inner child with guilt and shame and helped me see what I did and also that I had done these things because of having children not knowing I was a damaged person. I still am a little shocked this was allowed to happen because as I'm finally gaining autonomy I am concious of the fact I had no mental ability to consent just a legal ability based on my age. Anyone who came into contact with me had to be aware that there was something very wrong happening. It's a feeling I get but I could be wrong and that's not to absolved myself from responsibility however it seems a society that values mental health would be actively educating youngsters the difference of being a legal adult and still being a child mentally. I know it m going to make sure it's addressed as I gain stability and healing so that I can hopefully help prevent someone else having to endure the hell of healing from these issues. And also that if me and my behaviours caused so much pain while I don't know if I can ever go back and repair I can at least try my best to help the consiousness and subconsciousness of society learn through the experiences I have had and have caused and the experiences that lead me to that path. It's not to find someone else to blame but to find a way to prevent these sorts of wounds from happening needlessly again.

I heard it in a different, less malicious, but sad form. My mother truly believed that having an abusive father was better than no father at all. She was also raised deeply religious, and lost the love of her life and father of her first child to melanoma when my Bubba was 2. Poor woman went through some serious shit, and sadly was terrified of being alone.

Wow! I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.

Wow that's such a damaging and inappropriate statement. I hope you're healing.

My dad made a move on my girlfriend he got offed and then he smashed the cooking panel so I couldn’t make food for myself then stole my money and spent it on alcohol. And that is not in the top 5 sabotage. I got through it mostly I hope you will too. Trust me its these kind of life situations that make you strong in the end.

Ew

My mom once told me "Call me back when you know what unconditional love is."

Thanks for this recommendation, just placed an order for it. 👍

Yes! I bought the audiobook! It put everything into a deeper perspective. Finally opened my eyes to all the injustices I faced.

I need to read that

Best book ever!

Bookmark 🔖

Parentified as a child then you have to re-parent yourself as an adult. I agree. It's exhausting.

It hurts so bad... But time heals all.

I actually drilled my mum for her actions. I thought I got through to her. Oh no she is still not listening.

I have lost my whole life to this. Couldn't even understand what was wrong with me. Reparenting is tough....There is so much damage done beyond belief...Its like my subconscious was hijacked.

Traffic Jam, you ain't never lied. I don't even tell anyone that this shit is hell sometimes. But that's because I don't like to burden others with my own problems.

You just described my entire life.

So sorry to hear that. I'm also Z's mom (twice). Both of my boys have Z names (their two sisters do not).

Same only I took care of my 3 younger siblings while she worked. I remember not being able to get homework done because of dinner dishes or not being able to do girl scouts or sports because I had to be home. Now I'm the ungrateful one. We don't talk much either.

You don’t owe her ANYTHING.

Honey, as someone who raised and is raising their siblings (kids), you don’t owe her a damn thing. I wouldn’t expect mine to feel like they owe me anything, your mother shouldn’t either. Those were sacrifices she chose to make when having you. That’s her duty. And if she loved you half of what I didn’t my siblings, she’d be damn happy to make that sacrifice every day and never mention it.

Cognitive dissonance is a real thing.

Don't know her, but sounds like a narcissistic trait. Narcissists have no self introspection.

My mom too

One day I just couldn’t keep it in I lashed out with “don’t bring me into whatever childhood traumas you three had as kids” I honestly just was tired I go to work and before I can even clock out y’all bringing me some kind of mess constant headaches at this point

oof sounds like a narcissistic parent and if this is the case there is no changing them or helping them unfortunately

Holy shit! That is exactly how I would describe my mother as well. I don't know about the future relationships though, cause I am too shit to build them 🤣 Probably hyperbolic. I have friends. 😅 They are pretty cool! I've had some shit friends too, but I guess everyone has hits and misses. Just the mother part was scary relatable. I hope you are doing well and are able to feel better about yourself and life. 🖖🙂

@@jediknightnamek typical Indian moms

Good you were able to identify the pattern and put it to a final stop!

Sounds like my mom. I've found the best cure is not to isolate yourself, but to put up and practice and maintain solid healthy boundaries when people are entering our lives, and after they're there as well. It's the first step in self love.

I can totally relate to this. Thank you for sharing.

I feel the same way..

Me too

yea, i know what you mean. I had to raise my mother.

Same here! But I’m healing from that so that I can one day

SAME!!!

Dcurb ✨

Well done standing up to her Your right they had thr responsibility to have safe sex... Never balme a child for their existence as they didn't ask to be born... I feel the frustration of being forced to marry and thst was a very VERY big problem decades ago but it is still an issue

I told my mother that after suffering from severe mental issues after being parentified, i wouldn't be mad AT ALL, if she'd support me fighting my depression. Guess the look on her face. Now the center of attention is her ending up in mental clinic devouring anti-depressants because of what i said. priceless.

I had a similar upbringing. We lived in a woman-hating cult, basically, and my sister and I weren’t allowed to do homework until we did tons of cooking and cleaning (often cleaning that didn’t need to be done but was made for us to suffer- like scrubbing the carpet with a scotch pad when we could’ve just vacuumed). My only hope was to get good grades and escape to college (applied for financial aid) but even in college I felt lost because all that trauma wasn’t healed. It is hard to connect with others in a lighthearted way since my life was so dark. I ended up leaving college early and joining the Army. The camaraderie there honestly helped me a lot to feel more normal and like I belonged. Plus, I had a stable income and food and housing covered for me, so I could experience more stability for the first time. You’re very young, and even though grieving over your lost childhood will probably take a long time, getting excited about your future is better than suffering over the past. Can you apply for financial aid and scholarships to go to college even if your parents won’t support you?

I’m 20 and I be like damn my childhood was never there.

you have the whole world ahead of you, many people dont face these things until theyre much older, in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. Be proud of yourself, believe in yourself, and you can accomplish all you desire and have a happy life! responsibility comes with a crown!

You are still very young in life. It’s so hard that you went through this and my heart reaches out to you. You honestly have your life ahead of you and you’ve realised the issue at an early stage so you can set about getting help and resolving it before it leads to other issues. Truly well done for watching this video and setting yourself on the path of change

Sometimes the only answer is distance. I bet you will feel better if you're able to put some distance between you. I hope you're able get the peace you need regarding this situation.

@shaVaughn I can relate spot on to what you mentioned about the parentification/adultification relationship with your mom (although for me it was both parents). Especially the part where she gets defensive and plays victim with any & everything. That’s exactly how my mom is. It’s just gotten to the point where the relationship is just tolerable at best & any interaction is limited because I’ve had to set boundaries with her. Also she’s quite self centered so conversations with her are never balanced & she doesn’t care to hear about what you’ve got going on. It’s very tiring trying with a person like that when you’ve done all you can do.

Relate to that as well. Putting distance and limiting communications is the best way to do it. I gradually decreased it from daily calls which were draining me, to only weekend communications (unless there's an emergency). She's muted on my messages too, so it's only phone calls on Saturdays/Sundays

Sorry that so many can relate. Growing up as my mom’s therapist and disposable income has left me feeling lonely and used too. I understand wanting to get away. Sometimes that’s the answer.

Go far away from her. Let her learn to do things on her own.

Yes this is completely normal after trying to put the pieces back together after find out you and your parent might not have had the most healthiest relationship according to psychology. I often resent my mother for things I haven’t quite figured out yet but at the same time I’m dependent on her, I love her dearly, so it’s hard to swallow both pills at the same time (it’s often a on & off switch for me) & I absolutely have a fear of having children and passing down the many generational curses that’s tied to my maternal bloodline which of one would be role reversal, I know I’m not ready to have children until I can fully address & heal my childhood wounds because if we are not whole vessels it will pour into the innocents.

nah, I'm completely over loving them just for that fact what I feel is more like a confusing mixture of hatred and pity and I strive to get to the point where I feel nothing for them, my goal is to be completely apathetic towards their toxicity and how it have damaged me I'm clearly a long away from getting their

I feel the very same way! Its very confusing!!!

@@matheussanthiago9685 I’m very apathetic at best, angry at worst. But I play damn nice because I don’t want to risk them taking my kids (siblings) away.

I call it the literal LOVE-HATE. A part of me loves my mom and am thankful for a lot she has shown me in life. But the other half of my heart literally wishes she would just die for the stuff she's shown me n put me through

Exactly.

Zw😙💕

@@bribaxterherrick9599 glad i am not the only one thinking that

Facts!🗣

@@leonardogo that's beautiful

👍🏽

In my early 20s, I realized that I was dating guys who were too similar to my dad! It was hard to face because I was afraid of my dad.

Wow that's very insightful. This explains why my relationships with the opposite sex were messed up. I didn't have a childhood, I was bullied in school until I graduated, and was repeatedly dumped because I refused to have sex. I finally gave in when I was in my 20s and the guy didn't care that I didn't want to and cried the whole time. He gave me an ultimatum, " we do it or you back to your mother's." And the ironic thing is that they were both the same.

So that is why I don’t feel any attachment to anyone or anything.

I have zero attachment to humans

I am sorry you went through that trauma.

@@urmamasmamasmama thank you

Same here

Hope you are ok now.

Ive been going through this since 2015-current. mom on dialysis and refuses to take her medicine properly so I feel like I have to be here or she'll just let herself die.

I know, they dont see how much they overshare.

❤

Hit the mark on that one.

Yup. As soon as I learn to write my name and address and phone number in first grade it was my job to do all my school paperwork and forms. She would just put a signature

Same. My Mom isn't an immigrant but she is let's say slow. Like I have to help her do things like set up a bank account, fill out paperwork. I have had to help her with health insurance, find doctors, show her how to login or set up an account on websites. I keep all her passwords and stuff. I call customer service for her. My Mom is like computer illiterate.

@@Crysta1986 The amount of trust they put in us is insane. It’s can be burdensome work but I get the satisfaction of knowing how much my mom appreciates it. Especially when I got to a much better place than she ever could because of the sacrifices she’s done for her kid.

Yup! It’s so frustrating

So true.

Same

This sounds so familiar

This is the same exact thing I went through, except it was my mom who is schizophrenic. My mom is also very loving & kind but she basically checked out during my childhood. As a result, I was the parent & my mother was the child. I carried a lot of resentment until I became an adult & realized it wasn’t her fault.

Same here but with my mom..It sounds like my mom had a bit more family support than your dad though My mom actually died from a heart attack right before my daughter was born and I miss her. She was a very loving person who just needed help.♥️♥️♥️

Well said.

Late reply but same experience. I've never ran into anyone with the same experience. So exhausting.

I’m sure he magically developed schizophrenia after he chose to make 4 (that you know of) kids 🙄 That’s bs. Hold him accountable. He’s schizo, not severely brain damaged.

@Adnan Sawaf actually, there's a good therapist here on YT that talks more about childhood trauma and inner child. I can't stop watching his videos again and again to fully understand. His name is Patrick Teahan. Check him out.

Crappy Childhood Fairy is not a psychologist/psychiatrist but her technique helps me to be kind to myself before I can understand the clinicians help. Sometimes non therapist can help better

Oh my gosh BOTH of my parents are like this to an extent. My mom cannot be criticized or even lightly disagreed with. She takes it as an attack and gets upset. My Dad loves to blame people for anything that goes wrong. Nothing is worse to him then not having anyone to blame but himself. It doesn't matter how superficially you or anyone else is involved with something that goes wrong, he will perform extrodinary mental gymnastics to put all the blame on you.

I feel this. My mother is also a lawyer, could never take fault for anything. I know she has a lot of her own trauma that she just covers up with a performance like personality. So the only way I get a more authentic version of her is to be confrontational. And as a red head with an Aries moon I sometimes enjoy giving her grief for shit. lol Shes gotten better in our later years on taking owenership of faults but only because her third husband is a behavior psychologist. She still hella defensive over everything. small steps.

Wow. Thank you so much for this. Your words actually brought me to tears... I feel like a huge burden has slipped off of me. Even though I know that those who used me to be their caretaker will probably never understand my sacrifices, after reading your comment I feel truly seen and appreciated. Thank you.

Please listen to Dr when she speaks at 8:20. Acceptance and understanding is needed to help you. You cannot shame and guilt your mother, and expect she understand your pain. Learn from her mistakes, and judge yourself accordingly. Not her, who does not realize she is flawed

It's ok to mourn for the childhood you didn't have

Many parents made mistakes I'm a product of teen parents, from learning about their upbringing it helped me understand and I finally forgave both of them...i took control of my life and worked on all the things they did wrong! Now I am married and with child I'm so happy and blessed I did the work and God helped soften my heart towards my parents resulting in freeing me ❤ you can do the same but holding hate for her only keeps you in bondage my love.

@@TheHumbleEra excellent comment ❤

I felt this! Sending you strength & love💗

I'm so sorry you went through that.

It’s really what I’ve done to raise my siblings. Wanted to raise them the best way I can, so researched and applied common sense.

This helps a lot especially if you grew up in a culture where it is mom can do no wrong evan if she passes what looks like abuse

I know!! I hate my mom expects everyone to read her mind.

LOL

LMAOO

Agh, my dad has said many times, including infront of his therapist, that "we're more like a husband and wife" and I'd be like "no that's unhealthy and makes me uncomfortable" Sorry you dealt with that stuff man, it's all really messed up and hopefully learning can help future generations of kids develop healthier patterns

Try to get therapy or read self help books to heal.

@@Mf7d89 Been in therapy for about a year and a half and working through an inner child book. Still a lot of work to do!

Wow. The things parents say to us adult children is just mind- boggling.

Me too. But spousification from dad and adultification (and parentification) from mom. I do wonder if this comes in pairs... Perhaps not always, but it did for our fam.

You’re SO welcome. Thank YOU for requesting this and putting yourself out there as an example. I wish you all the best in your therapy. 😊❤️

I feel like you just described my relationship with my mother icy, I could have written this post word for word. I was never aware until a year ago that I hold so much anger just in my day to day life because I'm such a push over. But I know I needed that skill to protect me from criticism and guilt when I was young. And I'm happy my burden is learning to receive from others and myself, arguably easier than being naturally selfish and needing to force myself to give. I have been taking very small steps to set boundaries. Even if it does take me a few hours of feeling sad and angry to work up the courage to do it, I feel so much better after. We can teach ourselves that we deserve and are entitled to our own gifts, property, bodies, time, emotions, and money. More than anyone else. My mum used to tell me "you're so selfish" and "everything's always about you", she said the latter shortly after I was hospitalised. In reality, nothing was ever about me. I remember force feeding her water at times where she was so drunk she couldn't stand, listening to her breathing to make sure she wouldn't asphyxiate when I was younger than ten. I remember waking her up at the wheel when she was so tired she crossed the midline. My mum grew up in an extremely violent home and this made me wonder whether she took care of my nan just the same. I love my mum but I set firm boundaries with her now and tell her how she may and may not speak to my ass because having me in your life is a privilege and you will treat it as such. Last year my mum said some homophobic comments about me and I told her that if she ever treats me like that in the future I won't be present for it. I left her without a reply a few months and it was so effective. I wish you all the best icy and I hope your therapy journey travels well xxx

@@16mockingbirds it's feels so good to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm pretty young so I can't really do much but I'm trying to study to go to Germany and become a doctor, quite possibly a psychiatrist. I've never been in my own physically but mentally and emotionally, I've always been alone and it took me a while to realise that. I haven't come out to her yet, idk how she will react to it. She's always talking about me having children and my wedding and all that stuff but it just makes me feel so guilty for being the way that I am. If you ever wanna talk, you can dm me on insta, my account is @o_nika_ari_world ❤️

I felt this comment, Icy! You basically described me.

Appreciate that, because of her own issues, her best was still shit and you're allowed to be upset about it. The problems of adults will never be an excuse for making children be the adults in the room. Your experience is valid.

Thanks. I’m glad he agreed to do it. I had to wait forever for him to finish his hair though....😀

@@DrTraceyMarks that's you and your kid? That's adorable 😍 he's a trooper.

Unrelated, but your username and profile pic made me smile lol

Well, i will never forgive my family tho

that sucks, I can really understand you

19 kids & counting? I'm not kidding. One of the most disturbing things I've seen promoted on TV.

This was my reality... I thought this was the video that will address it because I am still struggling at times.

It's weird when your parents say they love you but are totally inconsiderate of how their actions affect you and your life. They decided to have more kids than they could care for so they took your adolescence from you so you could take on their responsibilities.

Not necessarily younger siblings. I'm the younger siblings but had to take care of my older brother after our parents divorced and my mother was working. Most times it's the other way around but often younger females will take over a mother's role and take care of the household

She briefly talks about that at 3:52

I am sorry for your losses. Devastating and tragic. “Healing is intentional and a lot of work.”

I hope he takes this seriously and makes changes in the parent child dynamic

@@TheQueenIsWithin yeah... im planning to talk to him about it soon, so hopefully🤞🤞

She is an incredible lady and her videos are amazing.

I'm in my 30s. Started a therapy lately and I was told that I did not have life. Why I'm feeling tired just now? Cause the bucket is full now and I can't put anymore inside it. Step away from any negativity even if it's the very loved one. You will suffer in the beginning, but you will be OK. What you played was never your role and you can't be blamed for not playing it. STEP AWAY

Hi Shaun. Having those emotions rise to the surface is a good thing in this case. Now the healing can begin. Here’s a virtual hug 🫂 I wish you the best.

It seems so hard to parent these days. You can easily over-parent or under-parent. I think parents must deal with their issues before being parents so they have a great chance at maybe getting it right.

You’re welcome Kirkley! It gives me a lot of pleasure to help people understand themselves.😊

Agreed. Her videos are awesome and very insightful.

Ugh, complicated grief is SO difficult. I feel you.

I'd also love a video about grief and/or complicated grief! And perhaps practical coping skills. And would medicating yourself in grieving be considered as "cheating your way out of it?"

This is a difficult but great topic. Thanks foe the context. I’ve added it to my list of video topics