Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I lost my mother at 10 and my dad at 14. I hope peace and love for everyone here who has lost someone...

"Falling in love with the potential, or what could come out of this relationship, instead of the actual quality of it" - incredibly helpful........

My dad died of a heart attack at age 46. I was 9 years old and watched him die. A year later, my mom uprooted us and moved to a different state, so I lost my house, bedroom, dog, school, and all of my friends and everything I knew. I'm so screwed up. I'm now 47 and it's so surreal to think I'm older than he ever got.

I lost my dad at 20 and I just lost my mom last week at 33. I'm so jealous of others who still have their parents and they are in thier 60s! They have no idea how lucky they are! I feel so jipped in life. I'm reading some of the comments and see some people lost both their parents when they were only in their teens! I feel for you I really do it's so sad to go threw life without them. They are the only 2 people who love you unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT and when you lose them you feel so alone and lost. May we all find comfort in each other to know we are not alone in these feelings and that others are going threw it as well.

I didn’t lose a parent, but at the age of five years old I knew that I had to be my own parent. At this point, I do except crumbs in my relationships. I didn’t know why before these videos came out. So thank you for your work, your videos. They have helped me to understand myself better.

Lost my my mom when I was 11 in 2016, then my dad when I was fifteen in 2020. It has left me with a lot of unresolved emotions but I’m still trying to get through it. I just have to remember that I’m not alone when it comes to things like this

I lost my dad at 5 we were very close I’m very happy I still have memories of Him I’m 16 now trying my best went threw depression but still fighting

I lost my dad at the age of 5, today was his 10 year anniversary. It was so hard to get through today.

I lost my father at 5 years old. I'm 36 now, and its still very painful. I can't wait for the choking pain to stop some day. My father has been a phantom in my life.

I lost my dad when I was 12. At 53, I was hiking and wandered into an area where we used to go hunting. Suddenly, I just started sobbing and said, "Why did you take my daddy away? I loved him and he loved me. Why did you take him away from me?" I have a high level of spirituality and never have asked Heavenly Father that question. I don't know where it came from.

Thank you for your video,very insightful. I lost both my parents by the age of 10 (father 7 my mother 10) . I only started noticing in my late 20s the impact their death had/has on me ( i am currently 30).For the past 5 years i have been trying to deal with it the best way i can as i enter each new level into my life i gain new perspective and understanding which allows me to be more at peace, but i do have my moments of anger and frustration . Your video helped me understand the disconnect i feel at times with my peers . My romantic relationships havent been that great either, but i now understand thanks to your video i had to go through them.

My dad left us when I was 3 and he past when I was 19! I don’t feel much about it. I don’t think I can truly address it until my loss from my earlier stage in life is addressed! I lost my mom when I was 5 and my brother. We were stolen and put in an institution. I haven’t had a care giver since I was 5! I love all your videos. They are very encouraging and life giving! You are such a blessing to God’s children! - Thank you and much love. Xx

Lost my mum when I was 9 and my dad became extremely depressed and thereby neglectful. My parents had that true love and happiness so I always had high hopes for my romantic life but I’ve found myself at 24 years old unable to form romantic attachments to others. I’m extremely independent and self sufficient and even things like fitting someone i love into my daily routine (cooking, sleeping etc) stresses me out... most annoying thing is that I really desperately hope that one day I can find a partner who I love as much as my parents loved each other...

my boyfriend lost his dad when he was 11. i remember when it happened... the school we were in announced throughout the school without my boyfriend or his family’s permission that his dad passed. ever since everyone looked at him crooked and never accepted him. when him and i started really talking just under 2 years later i was the only one that saw him for him and tried helping him. 8 years of friendship and 1 year of dating later here we are

Lost my mother at age 12 to suicide. Later found out she never wanted children and had an abortion before me. Learning more about what was going on with her and her depression helped with the bitter feelings i had of being left behind however now at 30 i still struggle to connect and feel secure in relationships. Alan your videos have been very refreshing in simply identifying what is happening internally for me. Thank you for doing this.

I lost my dad when I was 14 from an accident/suicide (no way of knowing for sure, but he was deeply depressed when it happened) and I was 23 when my mom passed away from cancer. 2020 marks the 10th year since my father passed and it will be a year for my mom. It feels so lonely being 24 and having no parents. I have always felt a void, a longing for connections with people. I always feel let down one way or another. It is a lonely life. I know of no one who can relate to me and my story. I have had only failed romantic relationships and I struggle in my friendships. I am doing therapy and probably will for the rest of my life. It feels like I’m broken in some way...

This is also relevant when a child loses a parent to alcoholism, emotional unavailability, parental alienation.

I lost my mom when I was 10. We had a day off from school due to an ice storm. I went to a friends for lunch and when I left she( my mom ) was just fine and while I was gone she a blood clot go to her heart and she died. I never had time to totally grieve her death I had to step up to the plate and watch over my brother who was 8. A lot at that time changed everything in our lives.

Thank you Alan. I lost my dad when I was fifteen. I have done a lot of self help over the years to process everything. This video was the missing piece of the puzzle. Thanks for sharing your own experience. The loss of what I didn't have and what I might have had haunted me for years until seeing your video. Now I can accept and understand. I know this will have a big impact on my life. Thank you again!

Your self-awareness is refreshing!

Thank you so much for this Alan, wow! This video is spot on for me. I too lost my father abruptly at 14 years of age. Everything you said you are experiencing and how it has played out in your relationships is the same for me. *sigh* I'm in my 30's and now realize that the trauma of losing my father is way deeper than I thought it was. I'm starting the journey today towards healing and maybe one day I can have an committed adult relationship

I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16. I can relate to your story a lot I'm 27 now and this year has been really hard suddenly. Thank you for making this video.

I've lost my father at age 14 to lung cancer. Now that Im 24, It is somewhat comforting knowing that the things I feel, the failures I perceive of myself are not only my own. I thank you for posting this

I lost my father at 1.1/2 years i mis my father very much ..yestrday i was saw my father in dream am very happy..😢😢😢

I lost my mom when I was 16, five years ago. It has impacted myself and my relationship with my family as well as trying to grow up. Thank you for sharing your lessons, it was very understandable.

Thank you for this video. I am 28 and experiencing the flood of emotions you described at age 27. I was 2 when my dad died and I really appreciate what you said about "crushing grief of not achieving the promise." This put into words something I have felt but couldn't describe. Thank you!

I’m Here to understand what’s up with my guy he has some problems

I lost my mum when I was 6yrs old and yesterday was 38yrs since she passed. I didnt cry yday but today I've been bawling!! The trauma still finds it way through😭😭 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Amen. I have felt comforted knowing God's had has remained powerful in my life.

I lost my mom when I was 15 . I’m now 24 and A lot of what your describing Is comming for me nod . Thank you for sharing your story and for helping others

Thank you Alan. I lost my Father at age 14. I just looked at this video so I could pass on some of your wisdom to my Grandchildren who lost their Dad, My Son when they were so young. It blew my mind. The information was so helpful as are all your videos.You are brilliant at explaining things and give so much of yourself. Thank you so much ...

The Falling apart of the promise. The missing piece in my inner work and which has outstandingly painfully impacted my relationships. Particularly the phrase, " There was a sense of security but there was no actual engagement/being known". Same to my mother. My grandmother's wound that I have been carrying around in my psyche, discovered after layers of inner work. Thank you ❤️.

This explains more than I am ready to admit.

I lost my mum at 3 years. not to death. but she left due to domestic violence from my father.i grew up with my dad. I'm a woman. 28 now

Epic message, I lost my mom at 3, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

My mother suddenly died when I was 10. I could understand it and accept it but where I feel I got stuck and continue to be stuck is, the support and structure she provided in my life was never reconstructed. Suddenly it was revealed that my grandparents and aunts and uncle had always hated her and wanted me to accept that she was a bad person,which made me very defensive of her and made me lose them as family. And that my dad, while good for having open dialogue about my feelings with was incapable of uninterested in providing for my physical needs like healthcare and food, etc. And that my only sibling wouldn't share feelings on any of these subjects with me. it led to the feeling that no one is actually really here for me and it was a feeling proven true in ways even my worst anxiety wasn't prepared for. What I don't understand is, what's the end game here? I understand these feelings...I know why I am who I am. What I don't know is how to not feel so much pain about it when focusing on it?

I lost my mom one month before my 11th birthday… I’m 25 now. I have never heard anyone describe what’s going on inside of me so accurately. This encouraged me to go back to therapy (haven’t been since she died). Thank you.

You have hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. I was fourteen when my mam died in accident, and I’ve lived with a lot of self loathing since and became very closed off and independent afterwards. I’ve found in all of my romantic relationships that I felt quite quickly that we didn’t gel, but I wanted things to work so badly, and I didn’t want to abandon anyone or hurt anyone, so I would pretend that I wanted things I wanted until I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m now trying to explore the loss of my mother and see if it can help me in being more honest and assertive and less afraid of leaving and losing people, and not falling in love with the first person who shows me any sort of kindness like my mother showed me haha lot to sort through

Thank you for sharing such meaningful information and bringing in your personal experience. I lost my father abruptly at age 17, and it explains why when a relationship ends abruptly, it's excruciatingly painful. Also, there's a fear I hold through the relationship that it might end suddenly. Big big thanks!

Thank you Allan I have never understood why I do this for any potential relationship : holding on, investing, too eager to invest in a relationship that has not ever Developed and this high tolerance for absence, I would like to do all the work to heal my attachment trauma whic I believe existed at a very early age and every stage, as I repeatedly sabotage any potential relationship. I also married a man who could not connect emotionally and I could not understand why. We had a brilliant wonderful son. Sadly I don’t think I was present and emotionally available due to my depression and self absorbed distraction.. I always felt wrong and limping mentally This video in particular has raised my awareness of why I do this with any potential romantic interest. ( we divorced when my son was 2 and I raised my son with an absent father

Holy mother goose! Seriously you see into my soul... Thank you this explains so much. I lost my mom in a tragic fire when I was 24. She lived across the street from me. I was at work when it happened. It was winter and the cause was faulty wiring in the apartment building. The electric heater I gave her melted causing the fire that essentially took her life through smoke inhalation. I am 39 now and 2 years ago I lost all sense of myself during her death date. I thought I dealt with it but I did not and my daughter was living with her dad at the time, I didn't have the distraction of living and I Seriously went through the loss all over again. I was a mess for 2 months. Through the years it would catch me and I had to deal and keep pushing so I would be a mess for a week or 2 and never actually process any of it. The lay out is January 14th is her death date and January 17th is my daughter that passed away when she was 48 days old birthday. Every year is terrifying during that week I just never know how I am going to feel. Now I absolutely understand wtf I have been doing putting up with terrible relationships for far too long. I no longer do that and have been single for a while now working with myself, processing, rewiring and finally living. That makes a lot of sense why I stayed in that particular relationship and really all of them that were not good for me. My approach is very different now. I am still working through the trauma and accepting all of the things. Thank you very much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you so much and thank you for always being str8 with us and helping us develop the tools to really work through all of the really hard stuff we have been avoiding for so long weather we knew we were doing it or not and how it relates to everything we are doing now. To everyone who has lost someone you are important, you are loved and you will gain your strength to not only carry on but also to conquer this life as we know it, coming out on top and thriving better than ever before!

man....you just had me tear up...tears running down my face w/out even crying....I sorta' froze where I was when my dad passed. I then was terrible in many relationships including friendships, but back then I was the one to be the terrible friend & or just pass up an important relationship. As I told my priest when my dad passed, "Why love anyone again". However, then later in life; Yes, I went onto what you spoke about when I faced it again, I put up w/things as you said. Trying to keep the relationship on 'track' no matter, no matter what. My bro was 14 too & I was just about turning 18. However, my dad was SUPER strict & that affected my maturity level. I was his 'sidekick' & as I started to date he really couldn't take it & we didn't speak, w/in the same home, for over 2 years from16-17, 17.5...Yeah, so even w/any relationship between being overly controlled to losing him & the constant need to impress him; I think it really affected my emotional 'stunt' in maturity. Anyway, great video. I wish I could find a therapist like you. Your not near Boston are you, lol....

Lost my dad when I was 9. I still feel like a kid at 45 years old. A curse and a blessing. Lows and highs. Since his death, I’m always philosophically questioning reality all the time, and then I’m life of the party trying to be funny & off the wall the other times (2 extremes). I will look up Ericsson’s Stages of Development. Thank you for your efforts, Alan.

My dad died, suddenly, by accident, at age 14. Wild. Thank you for sharing and teaching.

My father died when I was almost 2 and my mother when I was 4. Have been living with amazing foster parents but this stuff makes so much sense of the situation I've been in..

Really, really good Alan. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and insight. I lost my Mom (and had no father) at 18 years old. At the end of the Identity-Role Confusion stage, it was as if I was thrown into a flux, and lost a sense of true self for about a decade. I allowed others to inform (and form) an identity for me that did NOT fit. I am happy to report that I have been able to find a more suitable sense of self, and feel more confident about the direction my life is going. Thank you so much for positing this video!

Lost my mom in 85 when i was 1 year and 7 months old. Something i always thought didn't bug or affect me any. In the past 6 months I've come to the realization that it indeed has had a huge impact on my life. More so than i thought.

Thank you so much for being so open with your experience and bringing a light to this subject! I too lost my fater at age 13 and can relate to what you are saying. It was a trauma that I never dealt with that is now coming to light.

I lost my mother at 6 and I realized I never grieved properly so now at the age of 34yrs old I am learning how to properly grieve.

Holy crap are you on spot!! You explained this so well and hearing it explained this way makes a lot of sense. Personally I lost my father when I was almost four and didn't have a lot of much support afterwards.

Wow, I related to every aspect of this video. I also lost my father at 14. I am now 25, and at times I feel like it affects me more today then it did then. I am starting to more fully understand how this trauma affects me today. As you mentioned, I too developed a hyper independence. I am now coping with this unresolved grief, and trying to make sense of it.

My Mother suddenly passed away when I was just 7 years of age.. At the same time it made me grow up and mature sooner than the average 7year old would, It also put me in positions that sometimes unfortunately made me experience things that were WELL beyond what would be considered the norm of appropriation for the reality of a child so young. Thus leading me down a path of self destructive behaviors, including the curiosity to understand the answer to why.. as to why that it was that made it seem my mother chose drugs over her children.. I now understand from first hand experience that that was not the case at all, but that she was sick...with addiction, and it took her life. And so After many years of struggling myself.. I now understand..and with 5 years clean..I miss her more and more every day, but most importantly I have gained the innerstanding that it wasn't my fault.. nor do I see it as her fault.. as i know now that addiction is a disease which has brought me a deep sense of peace and forgiveness.

My father just died and I am an adult but his mother was killed in a wreck when he was almost 14 and it clearly had a major impact on how he related to my mother. This presentation has helped me make sense of their dysfunctional relationship and the lack of connection he tolerated (she didn’t). He never got over her, despite being divorced over 20 years.

I lost my mother at 14 im now 18, I was very close to my mother she was my go to when I needed someone to talk to , as mother should be. when I lost that I felt like I lost everything. my father was never there for me emotionally in fact he was the opposite, he made that whole grieving process alot harder for me especially knowing that my mother was the only person I felt comfortable talking about these things to. I have a hard time understanding these experiences as its very unique and not something the average 14 year old goes through. I hope i can heal properly and wish healing on those who have experienced a loss in their life and are still healing/learning from it.

I lost my Dad at 2yo, I feel very cheated. No one talked about him, it's like he didn't exist, I'm the youngest of five and I have yearned for my daddy all my life. My eldest sister seems to loath my father's family, I didn't get a chance to know them, but any time I do anything wrong, it's my father's side of the families traits that are blamed, that hurts so much, I have Autism, life has been very difficult, my mother is very manipulative, and I've grown up feeling like an outsider, I'm even called the after thought, in jest they claim. But I've internalized it, I have never felt wanted. Maybe my daddy would have loved me. I'm 47 and a mother of three, I don't want my son's to ever feel like I do. I had to create a family that wanted me.

I lost my mother to Cancer at age 5. My father immediately remarried a woman who did not let us speak or have photos of her due to her own insecurities. I was the only daughter and was especially mistreated by my abusive step mother. My dad was so busy with work that he did not intervene. There is a great deal of betrayal trauma I deal with. I very much relate to the breadcrumbs of love aspect that you mentioned and the idealized version of possible love with partners. All your videos are great, but this one was incredibly helpful for me. Thank you.

Lost my mom when I was 9. My dad dropped my brother and I off at my grandmas and basically went to go start a new family. My grandparents gave me the basic necessities - a roof over my head, food, a home to come back to, but I feel like I mostly raised myself... No one ever took an interest in my schooling or anything in my life. I feel like I've been depressed since I was a kid and I'm now brave enough to admit it at 22, but I'm not sure how to go about it or if I'm just overreacting.

I was a very happy child till I was 4. My father died at that age suddenly in a car accident. I knew exactly what happened and I was devastated. I was young but my father and I had a very close relationship. I was daddy's little girl. My mother would tell me I was the apple of his eye . I still remember the emotional bond.I hid my grief and new even that young to hide it. I hid myself essentially yet any moment could explode with emotion . I believed he would come back one day - I told my mother he was in my pocket . I was always waiting for his return until I realized he was gone. I was so emotional yet hid the grief and as a result it got in the way of me expressing my needs. The original sunlight I experienced as a child was put on hold till now. As you say shut down - this is so true. Letting go for me now is very difficult. The unrequited love dynamic is something I've done with any romantic partner who has had to leave when it was not up to me. Now I am healing the deep affect of this soul wound. Fear of abandonment is a challenge for me. Yet I have attracted a previous partner who has suddenly abandoned me more than once . His attachment style is not to hold on but to suddenly cut his partner off. I guess subconsciously I attracted him to work out a part of the abandonment I experienced so young . Thank you for this video. It's very important !!

My daughter just recently died by suicide and I'm now raising my 11 year old grandson. These videos help me to gain a better perspective of his grief and how to support him best. Its all so shattering and tragic.

Wow just amazing. I am a Family Constellation facilitator. I became one to heal my own trauma. I went to psychologists for years to help me understand my difficulties with myself and primarily, relationships with others. I know all the theory you discuss... I know it logically but to hear the way you put it so succinctly...I am finally understanding my trauma, my difficulties with relationships and my isolation, over independence and inability to act on red flags even when I notice them. My mom died when I was six on her way to collect me from school ... I'd just entered first grade...stage of development... learning and forming friendships and relationships. I've been with my husband since teens (26 years). I did not notice our dysfunction for years until we healed many of those wounds, and being a healer I wondered how I could not have seen them for so long. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me now. Arrested development indeed!! I'm watching your videos on attachment trauma and having aha moments by the dozen. Thank you! Thank you for the work you do in this world and for sharing it the way you do!

I lost my mother at the age of 15 and my fiance lost both his parents at the age of 25 (one week apart). It's been really rough to figure out our problems together and trying to figure out how to be together without trauma bonding. Your video was great... thanks!

I lost my mother to cancer at 5 years old and my father was diagnosed with cancer that same year. So my father while dealing with his grief was also dealing with chemo, radiation, etc and had to move us from our family home due to finances. Seeing pictures of my mother is so bizarre to me, I don’t even recognize her as my mother because I only have 1 singular memory of her. It definitely makes me wonder how all of this has affected me. I for sure have have severe anxiety, depression and abandonment issues but I wonder how much of that is ME or my parents. 😕

My mom died of brain cancer when I was 5. My biological dad left my mom before I was born, so he wasn’t in the picture to begin with. My stepdad, who had adopted my sister and I when he married our mom, left us the week she died and never came back. My mom’s parents raised us, but they were grieving the loss of their daughter (and son a few years before) and were angry most of the time. My grandpa, for instance, left blue and yellow bruises all over my back once when I was 11. I’m 33 now and I’m still shouldering the burden of all those experiences and trying my best to chart a path forward on my own. Sending love ♥️💙💜

I lost my mother when I was 11 from cancer. I hate how I always have high expectations for myself and don’t actually get a lot done. I hate that I’m missing out on so many meaningful memories that would’ve majorly impacted me. And my dad is hardly even there for me

Thank you for sharing this video! It's really insightful. My boyfriend lost his dad at age 15 unexpectedly. He also didn't have a strong emotional attachment to his dad and I was curious about how it would effect our relationship now. I can see more clearly now.

I never did lose a Parent but I did lose a My Grandparents at the age of 4 years old and my grandparents were like my Parents as well losing them all at such a young age hit me hard not knowing how serious it was but still understanding that they were not coming back did not come to mind... to this day key words that describe my grandparents trigger me to remember Special moments with them as a 4 year old.

I lost my father at 7 years old and found adolescence and early adulthood really very difficult, although I grew up very quickly. I can only imagine how hard it can be for a young man losing his father figure at teenage.

Your video has allowed me to recognize and understand what has been the most difficult truth to accept in my life. I thank you for waking me up so that I can begin the journey into healing this emotional scar and so that I can connect with my children so that they begin the heal the emotional connection with me. Well done

I lost my mom to a lifelong struggle of addiction in 2017. Four days after my 20th birthday. My birthday is in 2 days and it’s always such a hard time of year for me. I can’t be happy on my birthday anymore. My birthday is in just a couple of days and I am really struggling this year. I know that she loved us kids with all of her heart and that she did the best that she knew how until she passed. On the other hand I feel so much guilt for the way I felt about her just before she passed. I blew her off and almost wanted nothing to do with her. It gets worse with every passing year

I don’t know what’s worse losing a parent unexpectedly or you know it’s coming. At the age of 5 I lost my dad but we knew he was going to die for months but since I was only 5 I wasn’t allowed to spend time with him while he was in the hospital. The night he died all of my family were sitting around the hospital bed and as soon as I escaped the person that was keeping me from getting in, I ran to the room that my dad was is and as soon as I entered l…… he died

Reading the comments makes me feel less alone. I lost my father to a drug overdose when I was 9 years old. It was sudden and my whole world crashed around me. My dad was my world and we were extremely close. I don’t believe I was ever able to properly grieve. I’m 36 now and still don’t have closure. I got very brief basic counseling from a local church and my school but I don’t think I understood at such a young age what had happened. I still miss him so much and just want to be able to be able to live a fulfilling life and have closure while of course not forgetting him or our memories

I lost my mom 10 years ago when I was 17 but was attached to her more than my dad. I was aware of the possibility of death and accepted it at an early age. It was difficult and hard to open up after she passed. Now I’m 27 and still learning about myself. I have a problem of always trying to make everything better for the people I interact with and get attached to the people who I can relate with.

Been having mental breakdowns lately. I lost my dad at 11. This video helps clarify many things that I need to work on so thank you :)

Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself, Alan. It's a vulnerable topic. You have my sincerest empathy and love.

I’m 23 and lost my dad almost two years ago to pancreatic cancer. Thank you for providing your insight, sharing your experiences, and putting words to thoughts I haven’t been able to properly verbalize.

I lost my mom 3 years ago at 25. She was in her 40s. Now grieving my grandmother who was also like a mom to me.

thank you for your videos, healing and validating information

Oh my gosh. My heart breaks so much for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. I WAS 14 when my dad died too. He was the most amazing FATHER EVER. SO loving, caring, emotional, fun, spiritual, strong, HE WAS MY EVERYTHING. AND I was literally his little clone. He passed away of colon cancer at age 40. HE WAS ADOPED too. From Spain. At age 3. I didn’t click on this by accident. This is all unfolding now and I just wanted to say THANK YOU. 🙏🏼😭 thank you for breaking it all down for me so I can get my self together and live like my father did. I’m so grateful for YOU. And again I’m so sorry for you fathers loss too. 💙💙💙

I lost my mother at 16, and I had to grow up and raise myself because my dad started running around dating women off the internet and I was left alone a lot of the time. And it’s like the year after she died I blacked out I have no memory of 16-17 just little bits of it.. and my mom was my world so of course it really broke me

This is my story ,I don't feel weird .I feel heard.

I lost my father when I was 3. Our family had just emigrated to the USA from cuba when he died suddenly at age 39. I’ve been healing this wound with therapy for a very long time. And read many books on fatherless daughters and child development There’s always something more to learn. You’ve just added another piece. Thank you.

My dad died of colon cancer when I was 11. Even though colon cancer does not develop overnight he ignored whatever symptoms he had and ultimately went from biopsy to coffin in 12 days. He was a first-gen child Eastern Europe Jewish immigrant parents. They were deaf mutes. They separated when my dad and his younger bro & sis were still children. They were separated into foster care. At 16, my dad got himself emancipated and reunited his family under one roof. Talk about a challenging childhood!

My father passed away when I barely was 2 years old. I don't remember him but I've always imagined how he was: his personality, thoughts, manners, etc. because my family always has told me things about him. I love my dad. I thought his death didn't put any psychological consequences on me (since I don't have any memories with him) otherwise than occasional sadness. But now, almost 14 years after his death, I'm suffering a lot because I've recently gotten attached to a man that feels like a father to me, but I know he won't last a long time in my life and it's just painful because I know he can't become part of my family.

I was 17 when I lost my father 5 years ago. I am still a mess. Still havent processed it completely. His last words to me were - "believe in yourself" ... I have done anything but that all these years. Other bad experiences since then have made me totally numb to anything at all. Feel like I am in a dark hole and there is only one way out of it.

ty again Alan it wasnt just losing my dad but my mom naturally fell into depression for a while so it def had an impact

Alan, this was very helpful to me because I lost my father when I was 10. He didn't die, but my parents got divorced and I didn't see him much after that. He was an alcoholic so our bond was non existent. My early relationships were with addicts and then emotionally unavailable types. I am only now finally able to understand it. Thank you.

Thank you Alan. My father died when I was 14. We were very close. As a 37 year old woman now, I still grapple with the emotional pain that keeps coming back no matter how much progress I make…..

I lost my dad a month after turning 22, I know that’s a full grown adult but that still sucked.I feel like I still very much needed him

Great video.i lost my mom at 9years of age, in 1992.im 38 now.and I so sick of being depressed. Thank you for this Video..

Reading these comments makes me feel so sad for these beautiful humans who lost loved ones, had no control over it. Such is life - you just have to pick up the pieces and move forward with awareness. God bless 🙏 makes me grateful for my loving mom n somewhat neglectful yet present father. It’s very hard for someone who’s 38 and has literally been no more than an hour away from my family my whole life. 🙁

I lost my mom when I was 7 my dad when I was 10 and only sibling was killed when I was 16. Love and light to everyone. Here to learn and heal❤️

WOW. Just doing some research for a story I am writing - in part, based on some personal experiences - and absolutely got rocked by this. Thank you, this is life-changing.

I appreciate your vulnerability and honor your grief and pain. As always, I truly truly appreciate your work. ❤️

I am sorry these things happened to you, Alan. I've been there too. And you are absolutely right. There is profound loss, especially if you haven't had opportunity to be close. No going to graduation. No meeting my boyfriend. No teaching me to drive. No giving me away at my wedding. No seeing his grandkids. Also, there are a lot of other things going on then beside just losing an unknown parent. There's so many questions, like what's going to happen? Your other parent is grieving. And what happens now? Do we have enough money? Do we have to move? Will we still live in the same area? Will my other parent date? I could go on.

I was never really certain what it was I was experiencing. My father died of colon cancer when I was 12 in 1974. I was the oldest of three children. My sister was 9 and my brother 6. The three of us kids all grew up with a fair amount of anxiety which expressed itself differently with all three of us. Both my sister and myself became ‘worrier-caretakers’ assuming responsibility for household things. Mom didn’t push this but she also didn’t prevent it either. I always got the impression from my mom that she was rather ‘hands off’ with us kids; especially me where I would turn 13 that December. On some levels I liked the ‘freedom’ but I think deep down I knew I needed guidance but didn’t want to bother my mom as she was busy with going back to college, etc. My brother stayed out of things and worried quietly to himself. My sister became the ‘mom’ she wrote shopping list, made lunches. I fixed things, the Readers Digest Repair book (that every household in the 70’s had) But basically I was a ‘do whatever the hell I wanted teenager’ Then when I would date I would tend to look immediately for the long term relationship even though deep down I knew it wouldn’t last. In my first marriage I married a man I liked but wasn’t ‘in love’ with because I figured when the relationship ended I wouldn’t get hurt because I didn’t love him. Then my second husband was 13 years younger. And he ‘needed me’. I always figured that he would leave me too. As I approach 60 this December I am only now really and over the past few years seeing how much of this relates to my losing a parent at such a young age.

My mother died at the age of 7 and my dad died at the age of 14. I didn’t get to live with them much. I’m now 33 now and I’m extremely depressed and I can’t focus on anything. I feel empty, I don’t even know what to do right now... it’s effecting my relationships with people , I’m shutting down ... I don’t know what’s going on

Thank you very much for your great insight and sharing. I hope to watch many more of your other videos. My father died suddenly when I was age almost 4. My mother remarried for a short time and that was traumatic as well. So, I am now a therapist age 60 and have an anxious attachment style. I really like your description of "what I have to learn" from that age of 4 within Erikson's model as crucially where I go when I am struggling in my adult relationship - autonomy vs. shame and doubt. I would add that because my father died when I was so young I never really knew him but did find out later that he was significantly depressed and alcoholic during my lifetime. So trying to piece together what I am lacking in adult relationships now suggests to me that all the following stages were impacted. I struggle with autonomy and want to give more to my relationships it seems than my partners care to, and this is because I feel a lack of stability in relationships generally. In friendships I am quite fearful of rejection and so perhaps put too much pressure on my life partner for things I cannot attain through other relationships due to that fear. So, again thank you for your wonderful way of expressing yourself and your gifts of helping others.

Thank you for giving a voice to this ! I lost my mom at 13 suddenly and I like how you talked about the promise

I lost a parent at 6, I am 42 now but found this very helpful, thankyou

I totally had attachment issues before I lost my dad but it’s been two years and I stumbled upon your contact thank you so much Alan for sharing your experience strength and hope