Yes I tried to kindle with my mom but I'm tired of being the bigger person

I did that too, but does that make life easier?

​@@MrLetnum yes Linnon, it does. Even if it feels like a loop, gradually, the blame stops, self dignity is regained, and life actually changes, anger might persists but anger is a key emotion that was not tolerated at childhood, so it's okay to have anger, in fact, I am using this shit load of anger to direct myself in ways. I find it the most dangerous thing with Neglect, is making excuses for parents, such as the video explains, this is closely tied to feeling self-blame for being ungrateful to the parents. So, Anger feeds self-blame and vice versa. Remember three things: 1) Understanding is different because it's for you, and not for the person who committed the neglect. So, if your parents are still alive, don't bother making them understand, but instead, make yourself understand. It's the only way to have a chance of breaking the cycle of anger and self-blame 2) neglect is very subtle and is not less sever than abuse itself. I am sure, people once said, at least your parents didn't beat you!!! which is very funny and only reinforces self-blame. 3) forgiveness is totally optional in this case, I personally prefer not to forgive, many therapists told me that I have to forgive in order to move on, but I don't buy that. I prefer to be unforgiving to people who wronged me. Do that and you will be amazed by the results in your life, especially the self-image and relationship with others.

I gave up after trying for decades to make it work with my mother. She was a Narcissist who neglected her child and ruined my love and life. I tried and tried and tried with NO success all she would do is point her finger at me and never look in the mirror. It was the beast thing to say NO MORE and walk away and never see her again and she died 10 yrs later. Unfortunate but I’m glad she’s gone it’s the only thing that gave me relief from not tryin FB anymore. But, it’s VERY clear what she did and she should have NEVER had children.

It's nice to hear that you know you are a good dad to your daughter. Your knowledge and intuition has guided you well. ❤

it will take alot of time soul searching, don't lose yourself tho

You can make a change... start reading lots of books to get your mind off of their manipulation! You can be a healthy adult you just have to stay true to yourself!

I often wish my Dad and mom would have just hit me. It would have been confusing but I might be a whole person today.

Our parents' ego needs have preempted our needs before we were born. The fact is that we were treated like an appendage of theirs. Like an arm or a leg that has a function only to serve the body, but not an identity in itself. That's soul murder. The sad thing is that they may never understand this, or see it this way. We have to move on by ourselves, and give to ourselves what was never given to us from the beginning.

When we connect with our childhood self that we remember it's easier to connect with children I find.

I was able to give my daughter a strong sense of her own self. I was determined from before she was born, that she would not be neglected. But I erred in my explosive anger. I had a difficult time with her mother's way of handling conflict. She puts up a silent wall, while I come from an explosive family. We were like oil and water. But I know that my daughter does not have the same issues with cut-off. The chain of neglect is broken. Still working on trust.

@Sarah J that's true, I couldn't think for myself so that's why I needed help to do this and change my behaviour. CEN children have been been neglected many times a day for years in very subtle and unnoticeable ways, causing many emotional and mental problems as a result. It's very complicated. When I had children I vowed I'd not be like my mother and that certainly did help. But I needed to learn how to be an attentive mother and break the chain, by learning how to pay attention to myself first, and then pass that on to them. You can't give out what you've never been given.

i feel the same, my parents are category 3 parents.

I have looked to so many diagnoses. I've read the DSM. I'm not kidding. I've actually read it. And there is a lot in there. It's actually great for descriptions of clusters of behaviors, and that sort of thing, but nothing gave me an explanation for how or why I felt the way I do. Some things came close: dissociative states, ADHD, Depression, Narcissism, schizoid personality, etc. Many of these have part of the picture for me, but I'm don't feel they quite fit. CEN fits like a glove. It describes how I grew up, how I feel, how I relate to the world, and to myself. You're not alone Man.

@@chadisan what's CEN? I had a pretty rough childhood, truth be told it I endured a true disaster.. the person I was, the person I could have been. It was horrible.. And the finger points towards them failing me as parents.. not just them but at the school teachers as well.. I was failed pretty badly. And now I have to deal with that grief and pain and agony/torture/regret of such heavy loss.. my parents tell me stop thinking about the past.. truth is my past was EVERYTHING. everything I was, could have been and SHOULD have been. I just want a person to ACTUALLY understand what I mean for onceeee.. I feel completely alone in this... This shitstorm of a trauma.. for now I feel a void in myself, a void that may never be fully replaced... Chronic emptiness.. I honestly feel like I'm going insane, noone understands trauma or the nature of it... I feel theres contingency or difference between what people think and what ACTUALLY WAS or once was the truth.. it was more than a trauma, it was my everything..

Hello ,what are you doing now in college or what i strongly suggest *Katty morgen video on childhood emotional neglecte* and suggest you also ,benefit this by follow it unconditional i Love from Haryana ❤️

@@tommychappell6359 Hii ! Bro don't worry see 😎😎😀 video Katty morgen on childhood emotional neglected and just follow it unknowingly..🙏.you will see a huge huge to huge change in yr emotional life 👍👍with the join telegram of self love+ emotional health helps to heal so much I have the same problem just with you for 2 year but now i am already a psychiatrist.....to only a things is to keep in mind I think that I am the most important person for me and all my God and in front of mirror asay 1.i love you-2 2.,i accept with all my wishes and i am the only one who fight 4 you dear and i am gona to do any dam ,for being me satisfied,lovable at my all lovelfill and And many extra butore practca ltips she gives you and follow it blindly she is the only girl for my new born at 2 years ago I change myself completely by these above quotations and I follow her all tips and I am hair in front of you it notes our fault but it's a fault of those people who now it's our time to revenge from those circumstances and people and ❤️❤️👍 and just ready and try it now now at night time 7:55 pm.. I am cope up with completely and with flowers just as yr future is seen to me 👍👍👍 so futurre happy wisher tommy are u ready...to vhange dear bro🎉🎉🎉😎😀👍 And really find happpy toeet like me and a futire one to just be having so like me a successful, happy & all wishes are at yr foot so go ahead....free to ask any query future Tommy...❤️👍my bro..

This sounds painful. It would hurt to not be cared for when you were terribly ill and having someone respomd by leaving. I'm sorry that happened.

chocoboasylumwirwir

Use the captions maybe that will help

Agreed

Also really hard to focus on your words when Pacabels Canon is playing in background. No music please. Many of your audience are probably HSPs.

@@silversnow3186 my life is not my own. Never will be. We are made to be symbiotic. What you suggest is from the narrative of sociopaths.

@@silversnow3186 my sincerest apologies Silver Snow. I got your response mixed up with someone else's. I was under attack this evening by a sociopath. Thank you for your very kind words. I have sought counceling to no avail. I have gone to 3 or 4 now. And they were just terrible experiences. One of them tried to sleep with me! I just couldn't believe it! Which darkened my view of psychotherapist's to say the least. One just wanted to put me on antidepressants to increase her big pharma kickbacks. And the other wasn't interested in treating anyone who wasn't either a woman or a homosexual. So I was disqualified on both accounts. It has been a long and bumpy road. But I am not alone. Some of the best,kindest,empathetic people to ever walk this planet have come from the harshest of beginnings. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is really true. Some people confuse strength with insensitivity. But real strength comes from finally facing your past and coming to the realization that you were actually under attack by the ignorance and pain of others. That the grand majority of people project onto the people around them that which they have been victims of. The strength to forgive. The strength to understand that we are not what happens to us. Thank you and peace be with you.

Dear Innerdepths, it sounds like you endured abuse as a child, in addition to CEN. I'm very impressed that you've been working on yourself to be a better parent that you had yourself. You are one of the people who is ending the cycle. That is true heroism, in my opinion. All my best to you.

Janice S - "I have always felt out of place and lonely in the world and I never knew why".... yep me too! I totally get it. I thought I had autism or something because it's hard for me to connect with people emotionally. My older sisters were more of a mother to me then my own mother but then they all left by the time I was nine years old and I was left alone until I was 17 and moved out of the house a week after I graduated high school. My parents went to work when I got home from school so I had been staying home alone while they were at work since I was 9.

I feel you, my mom is a schizophrenic alcoholic as well. Its very hard

CeeStyleDj: Thank you for sharing this. I, too, experienced negative treatment from my mom as I aged. It really confused me because it didn't fit with our relationship when I was a kid. I have come to suspect that i just didn't realize something was off when I was a kid because how could I know without the maturity of living. Also, maybe there were reasons she was okay when I was younger: my dad's influence on her; fear of what others would think; she could control little kids; she saw me as an investment in her future, etc. Whatever reason explains why she provided the basics for me as a child, I have no idea why she rejected me as an adult. Was she just tired of feeling obligated? As a child she never hugged me, asked about my day, played with me, smiled at me, taught me anything, etc. I am grateful that she fed me, got me to school and doctors, but I really would have liked to see love in her eyes. Yours is the first comment that I have found about this child/adult dichotomy parent. I think we are in a very strange position because this is unknown territory for therapists. There is little to explain to us what happened to us. For me, this dichotomy has produced a very confused life filled with guilt that I am the problem. Sometimes I think she just believed she did her job and no longer feels obligated. She wants me to go away. To me this means she never wanted me in the first place. I never gave her any joy. I relate to everyone this way now. I think no one wants me around.

@@nancybartley4610 it's almost exactly the same for me except the roles are reversed. Your mom is my dad and your dad is my mom in my case. Yes, I spoke to a therapist about it in detail and his response was almost like " well you just have to try to not let it bother you and do your own thing ". And this is coming from a guy who has been a therapist for over 18 years. He's a great guy and he did give me good practical advice for other things but when it comes to this, it's like he doesn't really know what to say. I'm so sorry you went through such a similar thing. I just went through another personal experience regarding my parents just a few minutes ago. It's unfortunate because it's affected my body too. I have all these physical symptoms because of it that I'm trying to heal from. Therapist called somatic. I call it physiological due to trauma. You just have to be resolute in your healing. It's crazy that I typed this five years ago and I'm still going through the same thing now. Some things have gotten worse, some things have gotten better. What has gotten better is I started to no longer dwell so much in terms of thinking: "so bad" " oh my God, I can't believe this" "I can't believe I went through why were they doing it that way?" Now, I just think in terms of trying to heal my mind and body through meditation and realizing that my parents didn't or don't have the tools to be able to express themselves in a more healthy emotional way. And it probably has to do with their parents and how they were brought up. You have to be calm, yet firm in your healing. You have to sort of self soothe yourself while realizing that they did what they could with the tools they had and maybe something in their mind was bothering them personally. I try to do breathing exercises, stay calm, and keep trying to heal my body and mind. I've been trying to get my physical body a lot healthier because I know that helps. What more can a therapist really say besides what I mentioned? I guess not much. I guess it's just realizing that it was a different time for them, and they just didn't have the tools at their disposal that we are so fortunate enough to have today to be able to find ways to effectively communicate or Express the correct emotions. and then take the pain of our personal past, and personally tried to heal ourselves through self-care, meditation, and realizing that we are going to get better in spite of what happens. Don't get me wrong, it's still extremely tough at times but it's getting a little bit better. Just focus on healing your body and mind and not so much dwelling on how bad it was. Because we both realize that it got pretty bad at multiple times. Just keep those positive vibes going and have good intent.

Yes, that does sound like severe CEN. The good news is that you do not have to involve your parents in your healing. I recommend that you read Running on Empty, and also find a therapist who will be willing to work through the book with you. See my blog on my website for advice on how to go about finding the right therapist. I wish you all the best!

I'm dealing with the same thing

Agreed!!

Swearing is fine in these situations, in my opinion. Life is fucked. I wish my parents had actually shown love to me like you probably do. I wish there could be a way to make them see what they have been doing is wrong... Also, I am just resentful. I loathe and detest the sound of my mother's voice, but I also crave it. I make no sense. I am a weak person. You are strong, I hope? The only thing we can do is stay strong and find supportive people in these situations. Life is so fucked.

im so sorry that you've had to go through this! you deserve someone who wants to listen to you. i cant imagine hving a child and treating it's not precious. you're worth more than anything in the world

Hey, your comment is 2 years old already. How are you doing now, friend? Anything changed since then for better or worse?

Similar situation here. Except I have 2 parents and both don’t give a shit. “That sucks” “you’re too sensitive” “you have problems” “I don’t know where you went wrong” I hear all this bullshit

I'm feeling the same way

Tommy Chappell I feel the exact same

Jessica Halfpenny i found out that my dad is a gambler, thats why my family has been thrown into chaos... my mum is strict and overly cares about herself at the expense of others... she always argues all the time with my dad and family and doesnt see the effects on the family... i dont know though... cause at times she is caring but shes also bossy, very bossy.. and she cam be quite sarcastic and rude. my dad also says things that can be rude at times and a bit insensitive. i mean they mean well half the time but other times they are overly caught up in their problems. they are very withdrawn and keep themselves to themselves... they are nariccists, very selfish. but to me its normal cause thats what i grew up with...

I also recently figured out my parents have been neglectful. First through Jonice Webb, and then later found some interesting articles that talk about emotional neglect and complex ptsd. I ended up searching for explanations for my situation after having a nervous breakdown because of work and going on sick leave. I've self diagnosed myself with manic depression, borderline personality and others, but only after finding the term emotional neglect have pieces started to fall in place. You mentioned you no longer know who you are. This is my problem now as well. I've finally realized that my behavior, reactions to other people's presence, and even opinions are not my own, but are in fact automatic and robotic. I don't know who I am, what I want, and what my future plans are. I guess this has been the case all the time, but it's hard to figure out if you never really stop to think about it. Have been on sick leave for over a month now, and have a few weeks left. Honestly speaking I'm terrified. I know it should be ok for me to rest, but it just feels like wasting time. My head feels like a beehive, and I'm tired all the time. I'm also getting skinnier. As a 28 year old, I guess I'm still young and I have lots of time to make my life better. But right now it seems like such a burden. It's like growing up without parents and then suddenly asked to parent yourself. It's too much. I did start therapy though. A little worried about paying for it though, as it's expensive as hell. But if all else goes wrong I'll make my parents pay for it. I'm their doing, so they should take some responsibility. At least I've told them, so they know what they've done.

Tommy Chappell agreed. I feel like Im being used aswell.

holy crap that terrible ! you're mother is a narcissist!

This sounds very painful. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I read this today and felt less alone. I know your comment is a year ago but I wanted to thank you for writing it. Your situation has some close similarities to my own. I wonder if it helps to say to you that the bravest thing we can do is to try to be kind to ourselves when no-one else ever has been.

I'm here with you ladies....no emotional support growing up and marrying a man who is as cold as a dead fish. I'm always looking myself in the mirror and telling myself that I'm important, necessary and accepted. I've also become more involved with the folks in church it's been such a great way to feel less alone! We can't change what we're born into....we can change how we deal with it! I'm a survivor and I won't be put down ever. I'm also 54....it takes time to forgive ourselves for the things we couldn't control.

you picked him, women are more responsible since you have more options. If you pick a bad man it's on you.

I am so sorry. I hope you can leave if you want. The kids will grow up in a home where there is no loving energy coming from the father, which may or may not be worse than a divorce. No one should have an opinion on that but you, since you and they are the ones suffering. So glad they have you!

And it is NOT on you. Narcissists hide their true selves and present a false self to their partner, so women think they are getting something wonderful and instead wake up with an abuser. In which case it is more than okay to leave.

yup!

I too have a mild disability and I think it is hardest for us because people don’t want us to display normal emotions and adults probably won’t help you through puberty in the same way as if you were the Captain of the football team or the head cheerleader. I basically had to raise myself emotionally. No one cared if I had a crush on anyone because it made them too uncomfortable. And no one thought to help me love myself, champion myself, and be the kind of popular kid who gets tons of friends and dates to the prom. I was clueless.

However, my mum also was neglected herself as a child too, which again doesn't help the situation also. I actualky am affraid of being independant. And it terrifies me EVERYDAY. I also used to suffer from Binge ED as well as orthorexia and anorexia, do her not teaching me hasn't helped with my disordered eating either. I just can't ttust my own judgement as i don't know what is right or wrong

oxs