You explained something in less than six minutes that my therapist couldn’t clearly explain in six years. Your videos have become my lifeline. Thank you for your work.

I had no idea. I used to believe that enmeshment is love☹️. Thanks for making things clear❤️

Thank God I finally understand the difference. Our adult children aren't extensions of ourselves and they desire independence.

This is well put. The codependent dance is between enmeshment and detachment. Interdependence, Attachment with high boundaries, is difficult with other people who want to keep the measurement/detachment dance continuing.

I remember being told by my mother as a teenager that I had “no right to privacy” because it was her house. As an adult I experience a lot of anxiety around dating/relationships because i feel my Mum is often extremely critical of people, scrutinising for flaws and nit-picking . So I feel “on edge” continuously and hyper-vigilant of anything in myself or the other person that may cause offence. And it’s very difficult to just relax and go with the flow. It’s of course good to exercise some caution in relationships, and is her attempting to protect me, but it’s at the point where I’m 33 y.o and have major anxiety about dating or even saying I’m meeting anyone for a date. (Even when they are a kind, decent person but maybe not who she would want for me ) I would love to get past this 💓...this video is an awesome help ~ thank you! 🙏

Oh man, I have detachment awful. I hadn't heard it put so well before. My mother is a benign narcissist and never once growing up did she ask how I was feeling (and sometimes when I opened up to her, my feelings were belittled or ignored.) I learned to detach and not care... my dad detached from her survive and was distant from us too. Learning what an emotional connection is when I was 32 was an awakening and now I'm afraid to emotionally connect to my family. I don't want to be hurt. :(

Omg! I’ve never heard of Enmeshment, but I certainly lived it! I called it empathy, codependency, and rescue complex. I didn’t want to see my children hurt, and I hurt them in the process. I think many of us did this raising millennials. I did the best I could, just like the rest of the mothers out there. I love your channel and your advice and therapy is amazing. Thank you for your extremely helpful messages.

I needed this! I did not realize that I can have both strong boundaries AND loving empathy.

This is me and my mother. My father was so distant so I was all my mom had and vice versa. She’s told me SO many times, “I’m only happy if you’re happy.” She’s done everything for me my whole life. At 31 years old I feel crippled and constantly doubt myself. “Mom always does everything so I must be a big helpless baby.” Sadly my husband had to take on some of this need for help so he has to bear the burden of my not feeling capable & take over daily tasks I feel to insecure to perform. We’ve been together 13 years so I know I’m lucky to have him. I just wish I could overcome this mindset of, “You can’t be a grown up” before it’s too late. I’m 31 and times running out if I really want to finish school, have a career, a home, kids etc. it’s so disheartening & feels so hopeless. 😞

The best psychologists I have came across on YT. She is too the point, uses plane language, and very thorough in explaining the different concepts that are subrelated to the core of enmeshment. I am an only child, female, 40 years old and my mom uses the fact that she supports me financially ( I struggle to get a decent job bc of ADHD ) and her childhood scars to by any means necessary to put obstacles in all aspects of my happiness, spirituality, relationships, friendships, and personal goals.

More on interdependence, please. I have real trouble with a narcissist and continually lying mother. Constant denial and lies to cover for her own inaction. VERY hard to not need to detach. BTW... she is 82 YO. She has been this way for 50+ years, and only getting worse. Detachment has been the way I have been protecting myself, but it is not what I want.

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen on a topic like this. I experienced dealing with a person like this and I thought they might be doing these things with me, but I wasn't 100% sure. I felt guilty for doing things they didn't 100% agree with and I was often met with cold, distant behavior from them if I did or didn't do something they expected me to do (that I wasn't even aware of). Very clear to me now that they were enmeshed with me and needed me to feel better about themselves.

Love how simply you explained it. Very helpful.

It might sound strange but I find that studying animated characters from cartoons and movies helps me recognize problems that stem from enmeshment. Animation makes emotions exaggerated and obvious so you get to appreciate every bit of someone else's emotional process without your intervention to make sure they feel okay.

Your videos are so calming. You, your voice and almost like the space around you... it's like you have little children that are having their afternoon nap in the next room, and you took that moment to make a video ))))

Great description of enmeshment, detachment, differentiation and characteristics of healthy relationships. I have shared this with a number of clients in my psychotherapy practice. Thank you!

I'm experiencing this in my current relationship. I feel trapped like I'm responsible for my partners happiness and it's draining. I feel like I have to answer to them and it triggering and draining but they insist that nobody will love me like they do and make me feel guilty and like I'm the one throwing the relationship away but I feel immense pressure and feel enmeshment and trapped. I care very much about their feelings but I'm triggered by the feeling of enmeshment and codependency

I’m in my mid-30s. My mom has never given me my space or distance to be my own person. Even when I went to college she wanted me to pick a school close to home so I could just stay home and be near her. So I didn’t have the college experience or independence. I didn’t make any friends or dated in college. Every phone call I make she wants to know who I spoke to. Of course, relationships are out of the question. She wants to know everything and everyone and frankly, those are things I rather not share with her. So I just don’t even try. I know I’ll never marry or have kids. It just sucks. 😢

This is a big hit topic to me- I have been working on this for all my life! I still struggle. I am better- after years of recovery- but it’s still tough. I was a caregiver for 30 years. My empathic skills helped me anticipate others needs, but now I have chronic pain- and I find myself detaching at times and it’s tough for me to “ stay in the game” when relationships get frustrating. Thanks for doing this one. ❤️

i feel like this should be taught to everyone at a very younge age..as the media we are exposed to and kinda believe in romanticizes enmeshment in relationship and distorts our understanding of love

Hi i was enmeshed with my mum (I am a woman) up till the age of 40, and it had huge negative impacts on my life. I am 60 now and am completely detached from her but the impact on my life is still there. How is it possible to heal from such a long term enmeshment. I do not think that I have developed my own individuality up till today

Having pure empathy as well as clear boundaries 👍 is not being doormat nor selfish.

holy shit, i kinda knew all of this and still could not apply it to my own life. thanks to your incredibly thorough yet easily understandable way of explaining complex matters, I now can... feels like an epiphany I LOVE YOUR WORK!!! Thank you

Wow! I love this! 5 minutes, and now I have a grasp of what the relationship can look like, in a healthier way. Thanks so much! 🙏🦋

I can see how enmeshment and detachment can dance a peculiar dance in a codependent friendship!

I always thought I understood the concept of codependence, which is kind of along the same line as enmeshment and detachment, but Emma explained it so well, and it makes it easy to correct. Thank you so much!!

The foundation of my relationship with my mother but so mucho more distortion grown from that

Wow you have no idea how much this video just helped me. I’ve been going through this with someone for literally years and I’ve had so many confusing feelings. Thank you so much. This is helping me find peace with the situation.

I as an enmeshed person learned to become interdependent through empathising for a detached partner. Eventhough they couldn't meet me in the middle after it all and we ended splitting up I did learn to see how the things I thought where good where not helpfull for the other person. How and when I behaved in a people pleasing manner instead of my authentic needs. I learned to change, maybe not fully, but I am grateful.

Thank you for this insightful video. I love your knowledge.

I really enjoy your videos, I can do some screenshot to keep the notes and they are clear that help to stay focused. Your great at your job, thank you !

Omgosh this just explained what happened between my sister and me when we were little. She felt she had to take care of me because our parents were mostly absent. I relied on her as a child. I guess to much. Entangled. She went to therapy at 18-19 and discovered a lot of things and then moved away. Leaving me kind of baffled and angry because….I thought we were super close but I guess she felt trapped. She moved back 20 odd years ago but has been detached ever since. I love my life but our relationship is superficial at best. When I share things with her I get “oh that’s nice” or “sorry that is happening to you”. I can get that from a greeting card! She is friends on social media with almost all of our family members but me. I don’t feel bad about that …at all! 🤨😕 Wish there was a happy medium.

i feel like ive got a lot from enmeshment and detachment.. but in some relationships i suppose it's more like anxious avoidant enmeshment rather than detachment, so it's nice to have a bit of clarity.

I never knew there was an actual word for the way i feel. I have a twin sister and i feel too invested in her life, and the video explained it perfectly..,. the only time i have true happiness is when her life is okay. I dont know how to put a stop to feeling like this. Its like i live in constant anxiety

Thank you, I’m going to follow up with my therapist right away 😊

Wow!! This video really resonates with me and some challenges that I’ve had in relationships. I love that it offers very tangible ways to improve relationships and move forward. I’ll be sharing this with like my whole family, in the right time of course haha. Thanks!

Thank you for this. Amazing summary and crystal clear ! ✨🙏🌹

Coercive Control (IPV) Can you talk about how "coercive control" counters the individual trying to become healthy in this mesh situation? Thx 😊

I can surely relate- thank you Emma McAdam

Thank you so much for explaining this

This is truly exceptional. I read a book with a similar topic, and it was truly exceptional. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

How do you establish healthy boundaries with a previously enmeshed parent (who truly just wants to get back to that) without using detachment? I feel like at this point detachment is the only way to deal with living with these people because they just fucking cannot figure out interdependence on their own, but idk if I could be trying harder to teach them. At the same time it should absolutely not be my responsibility to do so.

You’re a star this helped so much

Wow. This is very good. Thank you.

So clear, and concise in such a short amount of time. Appreciate you!

Fantastic video about enmeshment. Thank you for all your valuable content. The explanation of all the concepts is short and highly accurate and educating. Love them! Thank you very much

I was enmeshed and he was detached. Didn’t know at the time, now I do I will work on the enmeshment

Fantastic video! I love how concise and clear this video is 💓 thank you for explaining this, I can very much relate to the enmeshment issues with my mother . Thank you for posting this extremely helpful content for free!

I am struggling with this so much lately! I was enmeshed with my mom for years - my dad was abusive and not at all empathetic, so my mom used me for all her emotional needs. Recently I've become detached and quite angry, but also confused about what an adult relationship with a parent is supposed to look like (enmeshment started when I was a child and continued into adult years). My mom still shares way too much, expects me to help her regulate her emotions - if she's upset, she's highly vocal about all the (ordinary adult responsibility) things that are just sooo difficult, catastrophizing and such - and rather than helping me navigate those things as a new adult, I had to figure things out on my own and help *her* do things that she's done for years but for some reason it's the end if the world and so stressful. When I try to explain to others how I feel that I had to grow up way too fast and she treats me like her friend rather than her child, their response is usually something like, "Well, you're an adult now, and you can't change the past, so this is what it's like being an adult with your parent." I can't help but feel like I'm missing something and that, even as an adult, I shouldn't have to emotionally support my own mother

🙏I needed to hear this.

Thank you for this video. It put a lot of things into perspective. More power to you 🎉

Yees! The first few seconds so far. Exactly. Thank you in advance. I wish this was more frequently taught 😅♥️

Interesting and informative

wow - that has clarified so much for me. truly life saving information and advice. thank you

i just can't get over this

This makes me so sad because I’m lost in my family I have no support system if I cut them all off and when I’m around them I still feel alone 😢

Thanks, this is so clear and helpful!

Thank you so much …. this Video was most important for me during this time of my life. 🙏❤️

This is very helpful. I’ve been looking for an answer like this for so long

Another very helpful video, I love your channel, thanks ❤️

Brilliant. It is so easy to stumble from empathy to enmeshment. A person can lose his solid sense of identity, through enmeshment. Wonder how much damage a parent can cause his child, through enmeshment. The child can feel responsible for the parent's feelings/emotions, and in the absence of proper boundaries, fall to despair and guilt/self blame. Such a child is deprived from having individuality/solid sense of self identity. Such a faulty parent, is sabotaging/violating the child's self, by not recognizing/respecting the child's need for boundaries protected self/identity. Often Such a child cannot distinguish his feelings/emotions from the parent's feelings/emotions. Such a child cannot distinguish where he ends, and where the parent begins. Please, be careful, not to subotage your child through enmeshment.

I needed a good example of enmeshment & knew where to come 😊. I found it interesting that your intro automatically assumed that there's mental illness involved. That is certainly my case but is that something that's part & parcel with mental health? My mother has schizophrenia & I'm her only daughter. Fun times. I know I can't fix her and don't try. As you mentioned my mode of dealing with her is detachment. Which as you say does not work. What struck me is that my happiness depends on her happiness. I didn't realize how true that has been I do set boundaries but it leaves me in a unsettled mood and literally ruins my attitude. I'm just now exploring the effects of enmeshment in the hope that I'll find out how to handle this.

Thankyou a brilliant vlog

@TherapyInANutshell or Emma Question - High boundaries and high empathy seem to be impossible to achieve with people who need constant reassurance in order to feel ok themselves. It feels like all you do is reassure, and if there’s not enough reassurance, then there will be emotional aggression. How do you keep high boundaries in a situation like that? I would love your suggestions on this. Thank you.

This was so insightful. Thank you

You did such a great job explaining differentiation.

Thanks, this is very relevant to my life & skilfully explained ; the examples and 'way to go' are very helpful, too :)

Grateful.

How can I feel less like someone has to "save" me when I don't feel capable of rescuing myself within feelings of helplessness?

Another great video!

Excellent.

thank you for this

Great explaining thank you 🙌🏻☀️

Great information

Can you be both ? I act my throughout emeshment when I'm happy but when I'm hurt too bad I distance myself a lot because it hurts to care and im frustrated by trying to fix things

Thanks for the instructive words about enmeshment. Now I sit and wonder about a question: How is the fawn response related - or not - to enmeshment?

Beautiful ✌🏼😀❤️🙏🏻🕉️✌🏼EDI ✌🏼

I realize that I went "detachment" with my mother because she wanted to be enmeshed. I don't think there is interdependence available because of her lack of healthy boundries but it makes me look detached.

How do you do this, when the other person( parent) has no empathy? I have been emeshed to my mother my entire life, but now am trying to be interdependent. She hates boundaries.

Great video’s, thank you!!

"But cutting someone off because it hurts to care usually isn't motivation for them to change and it's often contrary to your own values."

Very good analysis!

Good fences make good neighbors 😉

Can you help differentiate the difference between enmeshed and being codependent? I struggle understanding the difference bc they sound so similar...I guess you can't have one without thevother...

Im both, i can go from enmeshed to detached, sounds like fearful avoidant attachment style that i have.

This happened to me, but what's frustrating is I can't remember it being done. I can only remember back to around being three or four years old, but things seemed fine and happy. I must have gotten skilled at being Mom's "mini-me" by then. She was delighted with me and I guess becoming the way she wanted me to be like came easily. I think Dad felt left out and I picked up some rejection in that... But what ages does the trauma from this take place usually? 0-2.5??

Bravo!

How much empathy is "low empathy"? Would someone with detachment ghost a person just to come back when it's convenient? Would they care enough to help a "loved one" out of a dangerous situation? I'm trying to determine if my sister has no empathy rather than little empathy. I know her attachment style of avoidant, but i see so much narcissism. Between detachment, avoidant, and narcissism it's difficult to determine.

How do you navigate this with vulnerable aging parents?

Dear Emma, thanks for this wonderful, informative video. I'm 36 and very outgoing, funny, extrovert but I can't experience emotional connections with people. I grew up with emotionally unavailable parents and was sent to boarding school at the age of 5. At 14 my heart was broken really badly by someone I experienced the most beautiful feelings of love for. I want to have friends, I want to like people and not be ok on my own. I am ok on my own but I want to feel the feelings of connection, liking people, love. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. In the meantime, I'm contemplating if "iboga" might do the trick of helping me lower the shield I have built up to protect myself from the pain of not ever being loved.

My mom would hate this. I like it though. She often raged at the idea of separation

Is it possible to have enmeshment and detachment at the same time (with parents)?

When you're married and love each other deeply, how not to be sad when the other person is truly suffering (also sad)? How could one spouse be a happy camper while the other is in objective pain? Seems to some degree that enmeshment is unavoidable in some situations.

II found this contradictory in several places and it made no sense to me. For example you said detachment meant underneath people cared too much, but then you said detachment meant low empathy which is the opposite of caring too much. Overall confusing and unclear.

When i get in relationship, i have a hard time sticking to my routine and things i like, is this due to enmeshment with a parent?

Hey Emma, I found your work through your course on Skillshare, and I've just started your other course on Udemy. I love your work! I find the way you explain concepts really clear and informative, so thank you! I do have a question about creating healthy relationships: where do you begin when realise how dysfunctional your relationships have been with your parents, and when you have to continue to witness the dysfunctional patterns around you in the relationships at home? It feels like an enormous task to undertake (to change that is), but I'm sure you'll have some good insight into where to start. Thanks again for all that you do :-)

Is this just another name for the relationship styles anxious-avoidant, secure etc?

Oh my god.. this is so painful to hear. Always between those two extremes, and wishing so much for that balance quality of the third one.

yay

Yeah..they say dont be sad or depressed,i feel so painful and it distracts me from my other works in life.. Like wth! I felt so unfair when they said like that to me..i dont even have right to feel sad orr depressed..shit!!