A relationship with an avoidant is not a relationship. You’ll feel more alone with them than by yourself, you’ll end up confused and doubting yourself. The more you love them the deeper the wound/trauma. It will cost you your time, youth, mental health even physical and financial health. You have been warned.

Fear of intimacy is essentially fear of oneself, as much as it is fear of one's partner.

On this subject, I've pondered for many years. Having been raised by a pair of narcissistic parents, freedom became so important in my life. My search for an intimate partner has come to an end, although married and divorced a few times, I was unable to find a suitable mate, which after some time left me resolved, and disinterested, especially with appraising so many situations which none of them were worthwhile to pursue, and lacked opportunities for spiritual growth...knowing too well no one can make me happy, when too often I feel exploited, due to what I call "relationship burn out", however no one should expect anyone to make them happy. I seek solitude, and comfort in research on varied subjects. When it comes to intimacy, it's more of a hit and run situation, I love my freedom too much, time waits for no one. LOL!! Thank you Sam, love this video. x0x

Fear of exposing vulnerability? Checked. Distrust of a friendly world and future? Checked. The world is a hostile jungle? Checked. Believe the partner will end up hurting myself? Checked. Devaluing intimate partner? Checked. Intimacy threatens the control of my own life? Checked. Doubt my ability to read other people? Checked. A little bit of my own rationales: I lost faith in humanity in general. I believe most people are selfish and greedy even in disguise of their friendly manifestation. In a long term intimate relationship or friendship, one always destines to get tired or bored of the other half and take the partner for granted. People love fresh exciting things and hate old well-worn stuff. I always try to keep distance from people so that they will lost the freshness and curiosity of knowing me too soon. As you said, I fear having a miserable ending of an intimate relationship. Therefore I always avoid starting one. Sir, you did a very complete analysis on the root of intimacy issues. I have to say you help dig out more profound insights of my own personality. Thank you so much for making this video. I really hope you can make another video on how one can relive or even cure intimacy issues and how one can overcome the pessimistic expectancy of the world and people.

Or if you fear intimacy, you are attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and fear commitment. Or vice versa.

I think those of us empaths who grew up in narcissistic family structures tend to subconsciously pick out partners with the same characteristics as the parent of the opposite sex. It's been said that in doing so, people are more comfortable with what's familiar because they already know how to deal with it as opposed to the unfamiliar territory of knowing how to deal with someone who might be a much healthier choice. They may also feel, to a degree, unworthy of a nurturing and emotionally healthy partner. Because of that, it makes it difficult for empaths to trust their own judgment when connecting with someone. I know that's the case for me. And because of that, I actually prefer to stay single instead of suffering the consequences of subconsciously picking out another abusive and or disrespectful boyfriend. I just can't trust my own judgement and find that I still can't manage to pick out someone worthy of me. Looking back on my earlier relationships, I think I used to feel that at some point, the relationship will ultimately fall apart because I wasn't 100% whole - that is, I felt flawed, and that this would be the downfall of the relationship - that I failed the other person in that sense.... and that they'd find out I was "damaged goods" & want to leave. It's a very difficult thing to overcome. My self-esteem has improved a lot since then (high school & early 20s) & I'm not as bad off now as what I've just described. But given my age, I would rather suffer the loneliness then deal with another destructive relationship because I'm just getting too old to overcome the damage & pain the abuse causes. I would love to be proved wrong in that sense, but I have yet to meet a romantic partner who has treated me with the same level of respect, dignity, love & caring I've always given in the past.

No one is born with a fear of intimacy, in fact, it is the foundation upon which our birth into the world is built. However, everyone who has been traumitised, has fear of intimacy. It's rational when you think about it that way

Thank you Sam. I dated someone with MS, and he did tell me at times when he pushed me away it was nothing that I had done, but it happened after we had had the best time together. I was always made to feel I need to keep at arms length for us to remain in a relationship, but it was torturuous, and lonely. I know now that it will never work, but with his MS I feel I cannot treat the situation like I normally would. Block him and forget him because in actual fact, his future is not like ours. I don't want to be his intimate partner but I don't want to abandon him as a person. However, our last interaction, he seemed to hate me...I guess I was devalued. Difficult one.

Great video, perfect description of the mental disorder. Nothing to do about it as long as the narcissist ist not self-aware. Thank you.

Thank you Sam. You hit it at ever point and every level.

To me... Love is like a hot stove. Damnit why am I so broken!

It's not catastrophizing if it is true. And it is.

very helpful. thank you. I really never thought of it this way. I suffer from fear of intimacy.

Thank you for sharing your insights (in this video and others). You are of great service to many (narcissists and "victims" ). I would sign every word as my perception is exactly the same on your topics.

A psychopath once told me that people feel the need to get together (intimacy) because of lack of self esteem. He had a good point.

0:33 No I just have a massive fear of engulfment and being around someone that will threaten my stability and peace of mind.

Brilliant analysis Dr. Vaknin.

Thank you Prof Vaknin, you always make feel better when the tumultuous aftershocks of that dreadful relationship rear its ugly head

You just described me

Seems a little strange to point out all of this without mentioning childhood. All these negative beliefs about intimacy clearly stem from earlier development. What are the odds people like this will be able to face things without crumbling in to crippling shame or ruthelssly blaming anything outside of themself?

When you don't have to fear intimacy with a person/when they mean well for you, are not trying to hurt you, and actually like you as a person: when they worry about you, protect you, give you advice, and try to help you out like a mom or a dad would, (not because it is their Hispanic, Asian, or Black Culture for them to do that, but because they actually like you, are scared for you with the path that you have chosen, and only want to see very good things happen to you 😉.) (Partner's account)

Excellent video! Great analysis.

Very well rationalized

you right

Thank you very much! I undrstand now what happened to my marriage!

Is there no way for a cerebral narcissist to promote a false self which allows and doesn't reject intimacy? Is the fear that originates in a lot of us too ingrained, or can it be trained?

That's also when the begin to devalue

This is an excellent commentary about fear of intimacy. May I ask though, how does fear of intimacy translate to the mind if a narcissist? Is it possible that fear of intimacy also drives the narcissist’s behavior?

Generally speaking, do you think it's possible for people like that to overcome their issues? Or even just manage their fears, if they're stuck with them?

Thank you Sam for your insight and all your information you have given. I have struggled for two years now with my boyfriend fearing intimacy and commitment . He causes great distress every time we seem to get close. Please tell me does this behaviour mean he is a narcissist or is it possible to behave like this if one is not a narcissist ? He pleads for me to forgive his silent periods of a few days each time he ends the relationship. He did love bomb me and the cycle seems narcissistic but there are aspects where he appears to be sorry and feel love and becomes very close. I have definitely dated a narcissist and this feels different , more loving. He is 52 years old so it’s not a commitment phobia of a teenager. Thank you.

I never knew I had fear of intimacy because I dated a serial cheater and liar for over 5 years but now I think that’s why I dated him in the first place and now I’m with a really awesome guy but I feel very uneasy having no turbulence no arguments and nothing to worry about 😓 and since having my daughter and getting sober realized I’m scared of sex and intimacy and used alcohol to cope but that’s not an option anymore because it made me have postpartum rage and depression when I tried to go back to drinking. So I’m sober for the first time in like 12 years for the past year

Can a narcissist really change? Or is change just a foreshadow of another tsunami? It feels like you're going crazy working on a relationship, never knowing what's real and what is pathological... I know someone who has a tendency to display a few narcissistic traits. I wish he had a better start, I think he's changing. Trying to, I want to believe people can change and be forgiven. For myself included. ❤ Be kind to yourself lovelies!

This is the stuff Blues songs are made of. Emotional to hear with no resolution but ultimately you want to be reminded by its truth and resonance.

Sam Vakin has is locked !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excellent video does subconcious reprogramming like NLP work on NPD? If not why not?

Dear Sam! Thank your for all the insights you give with your videos. There is still one question unanswered for me: are there traits in the character or signs which exclude a narcissistic disorder? I am almost certain, that my ex is a narcissist. But one can discern a "narcissistic" behavior to a certain extend in almost anybody (including me in myself). And narcissist can at least appear to be very considerate, empathic. We do have ongoing custody and visitation battles for 7 years now (we have joint custody and our son stays 40% of the time with his dad) and i find it hard to differentiate, if he is indeed a malignant narcissist or his hate and disdain which he displays on so many occasions, is "only" nurtured by the circumstances.

I have a narcissist mother who refuses to visit a psychologist and i am so tired and exhausted ... wht can i do :(

8:24

How can a person get healed from this.?

Perfect articulation of the experience.. I will show my clients this.

Is it possible to cure narcissism with professional help?

Well damn...

Reminder to myself: 5:24-6:13

i watched all your videos i am fan....i have thiis...what is the solutin

I recently ended a 5 years friendship with a lovely, beautiful and smart girl, super cute when she wears her black glasses. It happened so fast and completely unexpected it left me shattered and broken right now. As it turns out my friend has a "Fear of Intimacy", and I only found that out after I read her breakup text to me. I have always suspected she may have a mental health issue like anxiety or bipolar disorder but I never really confront her about these things. I am not entirely sure if she even knows she has these mental health issues. She's always friendly, polite and kind and never raise her voice at me, not once in the 5 years we have known each other. Unlike me. Throughout the years I wanted more than just a friendship, I wanted an intimate relationship. She outright rejected me every time. No kisses, no hugs, no holding hands and told me friendship is all she has to offer. We don't even exchange Christmas presents because it scares her. Recently a third party was trying to divide us apart so he can be with her, he may have succeeded. I highly doubt she wants to be with this guy person, they only recently met through me. He secretly asked her to go to events with him, she may have gone with him. When i confront her about this I yelled at scream at her. I am really ashamed and embarrassed by this and regrets it deeply. I shouldn't have lost my temper. We have known each other for almost 5 years, we went to Vietnam, Japan and Quebec city together for the winter festival. And now we are no longer friends, I am completely heartbroken and fearful that I may never see my lovely and beautiful friend again. What should I do now? Is this over for us? Will there ever be a chance she'll reach out to me in the coming weeks/months? I like to help her and support her and do what I can. I don't want to reach out to her anymore because she's a very timid person, so I don't want to scare or terrify her in any way. Had I known what I know now, I would have been less forceful. I know mental health is a serious issue and it was completely unfair to her, what fool I am. I may have lost the most important person in my life.