'They demonstrate an ability to solve their own problems, as they arise." So simple and powerful!

Love itself is an addiction; both chemically and emotionally. However, traumatized people tend to gravitate to other traumatized people, who are usually dysfunctional.

I drank to deal with social anxiety and turned into the life of the party. When I started blacking out and not remembering my actions, I stopped drinking and turned to spending. Buying clothes is still the way I self-soothe and cope with depression and loneliness. It truly is like whack a mole.

Food is very hard for me…. And getting overwhelmed with romantic relationships. I want to find my life partner, but I just get too attached and too disappointed. I always vacílate between asking for/expecting too much and then not expecting enough.

I laughed out loud when you spoke about "growing up feral." I've often told people my siblings and I raised ourselves like a pack of wild dogs.

Traumatized children are really vulnerable to addiction, whether drugs, alchohol or addictive hunger for people. Relationship addiction is a result of traumatic relationships in the past. It has a great pull but it sucks the life out of you. We become moody, triggered by ppl, our social communication gets terrible, estranged from family.

Thanks for mentioning emotional sobriety. This is such a key to fundamental change.

Yep, my entire life has been addiction as a means to escape the emptiness, sadness, and anxiety. I wish I could explain my pain to someone.

this guy is what I use to call a band-aid person. it's this person who helps you heal from your past. but once it's over, you have accomplished what you needed, you must reap the band-aid off and toss it. I have knowingly been a band-aid partner for 2 guys, we both knew I was just here to help and that wont last long. but we had great time anyway, and I left with a smile wishing them the best. it's hard because you do that for people you like very much, and you have this temptation to keep them in your life, but you know that the best thing for the two is cutting off the ties. you just do what's best for everybody.

Oh poor girl she's in trouble and she doesn't even know it!!! Our stories are similar, estranged from family, failed marriage, lost a lot of weight! Dated a guy 15yrs younger than me and it was the WORST mistake I've ever made in my life!!! Run girl RUUUUUUN!!!

I wholeheartedly agree that if it's not a committed, loving and safe relationship then it will be very 'wobbly' to say the least. Speaking from personal experience, if we have CPTSD we will still get triggered even if we are with the most loving person - so it's really hard enough as it is without putting ourselves in those wobbly situations. Please put yourself and your mental health first. As you grow and heal you will attract the right person. ❤

The BDSM doesn't bother me, the age difference doesn't bother me, but the "he's my only world and I need to move to be with him" bothers me a whole hell of a lot. Was there a discussion of who was going to move? Is there a relationship discussion going on, or are you moving for FWB? Will you have you own space and your own life? I did the move to be with someone who was leading me on in a relationship, saying the right things but apparently resenting my intrusion on his life. Please keep your own stuff. A fallback position. Just in case you need it.

12 step programs can be replacement addiction for people and meetings loaded with people who are pretending to do the work but still acting out their addictions through the meetings.

Yep I had a FWB and he destroyed me, he was 20 years younger and lied while he went out with a woman 10 years younger than him leaving me feeling like a discarded old woman, still hiding in my house from shame 2 years later. Fortunately I’m old enough now to walk away from he whole mess of even making friends in this day in age. Everybody is just out for themselves nowadays.

yes, growing up feral! i have literally used that word when talking about how i felt right after moving out of my narcissistic mothers house at 19. like i was never properly socialized to other people, i didn't know how to be around them without being super tense and hypervigilant. it has taken years for me to be able to interact with other people appropriately and feel relaxed around them and it's still not entirely gone

I think it’s unrealistic to expect a person with an addict brain to change behaviours purely on faith and expect that to stick when the addict behaviours are caused by a chemical deficit of dopamine in the brain. Instead of beating yourself up trying to change your personality in a way that might not even be biologically possible if you want to avoid unhealthy addictions you can set yourself up to get that missing dopamine from healthy addictions instead, like exercise or creative writing or starting a side business or learning a new skill. Much love to anyone else with an addict brain out there! Don’t feel guilty if you can’t fight biology - you would’t beat yourself up for not being able to run on a missing leg ❤️

Since childhood, I've fallen in love with almost every female teacher or therapist I've ever had in life. Every one of them appeared, on the surface, well "put together", confident, and mature. Add to that, the personal attention, and I was hooked. This idealized infatuation was addictive for me with Childhood PTSD. But when the class ended, or the therapy expired, I was so depressed.

being vulnerable to relationships addictions after quitting other addictions... I feel that very strongly

Thank you for not judging her based on the age difference. I have been in a relationship very similar with 20 years difference and women are judged much more harshly than men for it.

I have been addicted to my ex so much, cant live through the week without him living my daily routine, thinking about him 24/7, was extremely jealous, checking all his followers and who he likes and after broke up had depression for months. I realized this problem and now on the way to love me more and recover from addictions

Prayer helps. I was infatuated by a guy who was in love with someone else. It painful to be wanted based on unrealistic expectations. I felt like I could not stop thinking about him, my heart would just physically just to belong and be loved based on the fact that he was able to love someone, anyone. I prayed to Jesus to set me free, he did.

As someone who suffers from environmental cause avoidant personality, I suffer from limerence/love addiction all the time. Whenever I see someone that I find attractive, I'll obsessed about them for months before getting burned out over them. As someone who been through decades of emotional and physical abuse, finding that unicorn is the only thing I real care about.

'Sienna' I'm so proud of you...👏👏👏👏 Congratulations, On quitting smoking, loosing weight (you wanted to loose), leaving an unfulfilling relationship and getting out of debt! O MG you did so well. Baby, you can do anything you set your mind to.

What wires together fires together, neurological hardwiring. Connection, attunement, trust, autonomy, love and sexuality. When those five developmental stages are interrupted, then survival styles are essential for survival. Attunement, self-regulation, when this particular stage of development is interrupted, the mind will find other ways to self regulate. Food being one of them instead of someone picking the baby up and comforting when they are crying they stuff a bottle in there mouth rather than spending time soothing them emotionally. So now the mind associates everything concerning self-regulation with food. Just my opinion, why there is such a epidemic of obesity in our world. And it's just not food. It's all the addictive behaviors concerning our need to self regulate. Overt or covert negative emotional environments. The need to be abused in some manner. Like walking around with a sticker on your back kick me. Another hardwire if that's all a individual experienced growing up, it's almost like you need to be abused in some manner. I had to separate myself from everyone to see these things. It's like asking a fish why it's scales are wet unable to the recognize the soup they swim in. It's hard to see ourselves because of every day distractions subconscious mind blindness.

I've been addicted to my fiancé at times during our relationship and the answer has been meditation (for both of us) and full and authentic communication about my needs. I am hugely sensitive to touch and need a lot of touch to feel loved and not rejected. Being around him and not being touched would make me feel strung out and then my behaviour would push him away making the problem worse and worse. We would be defensive and critical around each other, neither really knowing what was going on. Once I communicated that to him fully without placing any demands on him to change his behaviour, our relationship changed completely

My addiction for people manifests in celebrities, its almost like I'm aware that being obsessed over someone in your life can be seen as creepy and inappropriate, but yet I need someone to obsess over so I turn the energy onto celebrities. Am trying to control my obsession, so while I know some hurt will always be there, I'll instead control how much I watch the celeb instead.

Absolutely I've been in this and just like my other alcoholic addiction I bottomed out and then got help. ACA is my way...any way to not abandoning yourself AGAIN is key.

Here’s another angle, it’s really impossible to pull apart a complex piece of cake in terms of relationship dynamics and emotional history, why not just focus on what is needed by the individual. The individual needs, as we all do, more than one friend. The individual needs boundaries and structure. The individual needs outlets other than one other person. The individual needs goals and activities that they love. What about focusing just on what’s needed as a giant and beautiful counterweight, bare minimum, so that whatever happens in an old habit or relationship, It won’t throw them off or sink them. Plus they will have one tremendous unusual and a typical thing to those who suffered trauma in childhood, they’ll have power. Because they took care of themselves and focused on their needs first.

Oh my gosh!! I have described myself in AA meetings as being feral. Not on the outside but inside. Thank you for confirming that experience/description.

Love the humor! Especially Anna's use of it to show the common element in the different parts of the story and in our weaknesses. It's healing to laugh at our own harmful tendencies. I also like that so many recent letter writers have asked for the advice they sort of expect to get - it's just sooo reassuring to hear it, right?

12 step people! if you have done all these shifts on your own, l can't imagine what you 're gonna do with a 12step program and friends in your life.

to each their own but as admirable as it is to hear so many hurdles were adressed in such a short space of time i personally would be wary of making big changes and taking risks before one's even become accustomed to their new normal, making sure the changes hold :s

I’m in nicotine anonymous and working on my recovery because I am worried about running to video games and relationships to avoid my feelings. Thank you Sienna and Anna!!! Very inspirational content!

Wow, that sounds like a messy situation to say the least! Excellent advice, as always! Thanks Anna! 🌸🌸🌸🌸

Too timely. I just recently broke up with a guy. But I find that I can't stop thinking of him. It sucks. 😬

I've been celibate for >7yrs now 4 of which I've been in active recovery from Alcohol, 2 of which working on the sugar (food addictive behavior). It really can be a game of Whack-A-Mole. 12 Step really has helped me. I was drawn to this content title because I've done the geographical, done the believing sexual relation's were love from men when it wasn't. Living in this world every day is extremely delicate when you're trying to recover from childhood trauma. This letter read was so vulnerable & honest. Anna thank you for helping so many people. Remembering to love myself/be kind to myself seems the greatest challenge of all. #PeaceOut XxX

Omg! Love your advice about the 12 step meeting regarding not getting entangled in a personal relationship with the people we need to be part of our healing recovery. I have never attended any of these meetings but it’s always on my mind to do so, and I have to admit, I thought, “ maybe I meet someone special there “ ufff. Thank you for making this very important point.

My awareness of my addiction to my Mom was sharp at 24 years old. But, I was drawn into a group called Freedomain Radio where I shared my pain in a conversation with the host of their call in show. He convinced me that I had no such thing as an addiction to my mom. He confronted my situation as though I had the entire thing misunderstood and that began a new trauma bond with him- my new addiction. Very telling regarding my tendency to follow narcissists into codependent relationships. I’m in a better place now. I’m 40 now and am thinking about taking your program.

I'd say give it a try, nothing's keeping you. Maybe you'll find new friends there. The happiest time of my life was when I moved to a bigger town, everything was exciting, I fell in love with long walks cause the new places weren't boring like my old hometown, and I lost 30 lbs. I would recommend changing location to everyone who can afford it. If you're not happy of course.

Darling I started your daily practice and I have become so productive you won't believe.

I really appreciate what I’m learning about the 12 step world from your videos. Thanks, Fairy!

Congratulations Senna! Sounds like you've made a ton of progress! Wrong never makes our lives better. ❤❤️‍🩹

NEEDED THIS

It took some time to dawn on me thats how it was going. You put it well, subverting what I want, suppressing my self, ignoring what I was thinking about the situation. The reality was a painful relationship with this person. When it started to hit me its funny how fast things come together in the mind. I noticed no matter what happened after we hung out & got intimate, she would leave right after. Like get dressed, say whatever it was that she had to go, and be gone. In 10 min or less.

You give such deep healing advice. I used to go to 12 step women's meetings. They're really so sweet.

For the 1st time I am learning more about me.... thanks Anna 😘

Ohh, i recognize this so much. Everytime I got a new coworker that somehow leans on me I go of and work around them to get closer 😬 And when there seems to be some connection the limerence kicks in. Add a little codependency and then against all odds I keep going on because maybe some moment we get something or sum 😐 And when they leave or choose someone else the disappointment is back. But then there will be some other and I start all over again. It's really a addiction like you say Anna. I don't wanna at some point but I have to because the drive to connect and belong is so big. ☺️👋🏼

This is very helpful. Thank you 💛 - Feb

This came at such a good time, as always ❤️

Dear Sienna, you have made a lot of progress in one year, but its still new progress. Please protect it and nurture it. 💕

I’m stuck in a town that lives out their own fantasies through trapped people. And believe there real, there’s nothing else to do here. The retirement waiting game, that’s all the time you got with me “people”.

I think I'm almost addicted to your channel Anna. 😊😍 You are so clear, logic and loving when you answer. Also when you decribe what's probably going on, that is hidden or not said, and emotions that are thumbeling inside. You are great at what you are doing and I think you've helped so many clear thoughts, feelings and things out. I love your calming voice, your thoughts, advices and your lovely channel! ❤

You have helped a lot more than you can imagine ❤ thank you for sharing your healing and stories. I appreciate you ❤️

First of all, it is outstanding that you managed to make all those changes. I am not as sure about the 12 step thing as Anna. In general I have a lot of problems with the sales pitch of 12 steps, however, for a certain subset of people I do agree that they can be really great because they provide 24/7 free support and community and there is nowhere else you will find that. I think the person best suited to 12 step groups is out of active addiction and made those choices and changes mostly on their own and are more or less done, but needing to dip their toes back into a community of sorts. I do think you are likely to attract a lot of unwanted (or maybe even wanted) attention from the men there as that is a big part of what goes on, and so you have to have firm boundaries or you will get hurt, and this is also true with the women you choose as friends. There will be good people there, but you have to be discerning with who you let in, and only you know if you are the kind of isolated person who is that way by choice and will continue to be slow to warm up, or if you are isolated by circumstances and are now so starved for connection that you'll break wide open the first time someone lays kind eyes on you, but if you are the latter you are vulnerable. In a way I suppose 12 steps and bdsm can serve a somewhat similar purpose in that they impose certain rules and take a much of the choosing out of your hands. You have really done some things that very few people can, and you did them all at once which is truly remarkable, but after practicing that level of self restraint and discipline I can only just imagine that there is some relief in surrendering to external control, like for a time someone else is doing some of the heavy lifting so you can finally take your guard down and relax. I'm just guessing but that makes a lot of sense to me. I'm a little unclear about if you had made these changes prior to this relationship or if these changes occurred since this relationship began, but either way you were the one who did it, he didn't and you get to keep those enormous accomplishments.

This is so interesting! Anna's advise is so helpful.

Need to promote this video more!

What an amazing year of change! Imagine where another year of self focus will bring you ..... Please look into a 12 step or therapy to help you continue moving forward.

Hi Anna, I appreciate this video and others that address the relationship addiction issue. I'm a lot like the woman who wrote to you in the sense that I'm "addicted to everything" and have been to a lot of 12-step programs. Right now my main program is ACA, which seems like a good umbrella program for me. 17:48 I think your suggestions to this woman are helpful. I got sober in my 20s but emotional sobriety has been, I guess I would say elusive. I have kept plugging away. Right now I'm working on self-love and re-parenting, and finding a new therapist. I left my ex over 10 years ago and honestly haven't felt well enough to date, but I'm getting there. Your videos are super helpful. Thank you!

Thank you :( I am in a similar situation and it hurts to realize it… I’m afraid that if I stop being the cool girl I won’t have anyone to love me (and I wasn’t always like this I think). Could you make a video especifically about separating love from sex? Thank you. Best of luck to the person who wrote the letter.

Powerful advice. 🙏

Anna, I would love a video on shopping addiction 🙏

I can totally relate to some of this

I hope Sienna takes this good advice. I related to the weight loss piece of her story and although I "only" lost 50 lbs, now that I'm in my 4th year of maintaining that weight loss I have a personal understanding of what that journey is like, and adjusting to longterm habit changes. Please get support, Sienna. I wish you success on the road ahead. 💕

My hobbies have kind of filled the need of a relationship for me and it works well for me for the most part..

Nice music at the end

Love the video, thank you !

I stayed with my addiction. It's been 6 years. I feel terrible. But leaving was painful.

Great topic..very neccesary..and very helpful.Thank you so much.

I'm sort of surprised Anna didn't address the developmental difference between a 24 yo and a 40 yo.

At this point I feel like I'm calmer and more functional and at peace if I'm not in a relationship, when I like someone and we're dating all my insecurities and wounds get triggerred to the point I feel clingy and out of control, is this normal? Because in a counterintuitive way for people who have been traumatised it's safer to just have a few close and trustworthy friends than to start anything romantic :/

100%!!!!!!!!!

There’s a song called “Cool Girl” by Tov Lo. Check out the song and lyrics, it resonates with your description.

This is a GREAT video! Thank you very much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO

❤️

how do i send a letter? does anyone know

Is there any other way to deal with recovery besides twelve step programs? They’re not for everyone. Thanks ❤️

If there is no 12 step in my country where should I go to?

You talk a lot about the helpfulness of 12-Step programs, and I certainly don’t doubt their effectiveness for a lot of hurting folks. But what if one doesn’t believe in God, higher powers, or anything metaphysical? Are there analogous programs that don’t rely on religion?

🥰

Oh crap this one’s gonna be a dousy . I’m totally addicted to my bf . He’s a good dude tho- I’m the one with the problem .

Do you have anymore information on this subject?? This is really what am suffering from. I have been single for almost 4 years. I really want a healthy partner.

Rebuke

Anna, I love your videos...long time follower of your YT content and full course...but I don't think suggesting gender separation is helpful, even in support groups.There is so much fear around men and women interacting in a platonic way because it "might" result in sexual interest. Sure, that happens often and we all need to be careful of our basic safety as well as our healing journey (boundaries are a must here). I'm just here to say that we need to dispel this notion of "steer clear of talking to these people"; there is no need to keep allowing fear of what might happen to win. It is completely possible and normal for a man and woman to make casual conversation without flirtation being an issue. Not all men aim to talk to women with sex as the end goal. We are all still human, regardless of sex or gender. Also, whoever makes it out to 12-step meetings deserves a blank slate of consideration when making someone's acquaintance.

50 shades of Gray...

No amount of communication makes BDSM a good thing

Yep feral 😮and still can’t social but done with a twelve step programs stuck on you lol you do solutions that’s what I need I always have boundaries sometimes to much boundaries but I’m not ever getting used up anymore done thanks @lorraineamicothemakeupartist