It all sounds so familiar. You are not alone. Many people with profound childhood trauma will be able to hear themselves in what you describe. I don't personally believe you ever truly changed your sex. Perhaps you experienced other people's reactions to you based on your appearance, but I don't believe it's possible for anyone to experience what it's like to be the opposite sex. Everything you've experienced, you did so as a man. You've always been male. No bodily alterations can ever change this. I'm really sorry you've experienced such great harm to your physical body, but you can transcend that. The mind is the most important. If you can heal your mind, you can transcend what was done to your body. In Buddhism the Nyigma school of Tibetan Buddhism, they use the metaphor of a glass of murky water. If you allow the particles to sink, the water will become clear. But if you continue to shake the water, the particles will cloud the water each time. You can apply this metaphor to you mind, and emotions. If you can allow the powerful thoughts and emotions to settle down, resisting the urge to agitate them constantly, you can achieve quietude in your mind. This is something you can achieve if you practice meditation with a qualified teacher. It's definitely not easy, though, and requires a lot of practice. You can also study Buddhist thought, methods and techniques. In my view, these are the very best methods to overcoming whatever internal battles we face. Perhaps a pure form of Christianity can also offer this type of respite from severe trauma. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to find such purity these days, although it's definitely out there. You're lucky to have your mother's support. I'm glad you're together, and I hope you can overcome your experiences. Your life is definitely worthwhile, no matter what.

Thank you Sam for your honesty and vulnerability. The world needs men like you who can be a voice to those still afraid to speak in this dark world. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and so very loved! It warmed my heart to see your courage and you are not too far gone to obtain the healing, peace and freedom you desire. You will succeed in this journey! I am rooting for you and your loved ones and lifting you up in prayer! God bless you!

"Sitting on a hillside, as usual." Made me chuckle. I can relate.

Such a powerful and deep realization - embracing your essence. My prayers and thoughts are with you as you journey back home to yourself.

You are doing the right thing by talking it out. Take as long as you need to talk about it. My abuse changed my life. I forgave people but it helps to talk things out. Your videos help me so much.

Sam listening to this brought a lot of peace and I appreciate it, hopefully more people in this era of the world hear you and know you through these videos

Kia ora (greetings) from New Zealand 😌. I'm always reliefed to hear from you in your talks! I relate soooo much to your emotional processes!! And my heart is full when you come back on KZfaq 😌. There's been a few people around me needed to leave their life's 😔 I've been at that edge, I know for myself what that is like. To lose all hope.... It lifts me up to hear your in life and moving alone with your healing. Not letting what happened to you as a child take you out!! I believe that, that is my challenge to stay in this life, to heal from my childhood and to leave this world a better place than when I came 🗺️😌Your journey shared helps me Sam ❤️THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

So much wisdom in your videos Sam. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Looking forward to the scenery you want to share. Much love 💛

Nice to meet you Sam. Thank you for sharing your story.

Sam- Beautiful soul and truly the stunning and brave , brilliant, eloquent, phenomenal human being. Thank you so much for your continued sharing and letting us into your life! ❤ On another note I would love to see the beautiful little hidden areas of your gorgeous surroundings. I would love to see where you live through your eyes. I love travel. It has immensely helped me. Love your way ❤❤❤

Dear Sam I stumbled across your video and am so touched by your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I am left resonating with your experience of deep peace that come from acceptance. And I love the poem. Warmly tom ♥

The most moving talk I’ve ever heard, thank you & best wishes ❤

Gutted doesn't even begin to get it 💔 Thank you, Sam. Mark

Sam, this video really triggered me, so I am posting my second comment. I just moved last month, and I found a gratitude journal that I was gifted. I still don't use it, but I think about it every day. Each day on earth is a gift. All that you have gone through and you are still alive, it means something. You have great genes and a great sense of poetry. I forgot who said it, but poetry is what is lost in translation.

Thank you for being here. Just happened upon your channel today... I used to tear up looking at myself in the mirror, wanting achingly bad to be fully a boy and not just a tomboy, and Sam was the name I gave myself in my fantasy oddly enough. Luckily, I have the smallest of small breasts anyway, so I got the best of both worlds sans transition... You speak so well on the struggles of self acceptance... I lost someone dear last year to mental crisis in the midst of their gender transition. I've been having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Your video inspired me

Dear Sam, thank you for sharing this genuine story of yours. It is humanizing. I bought David Wyite's Still Possible, the first poetry book I've ever bought. Thank you.

Sam I’ve been with you since the very beginning - I found you shortly after my son claimed to be my daughter. Your heart has guided me through so many emotions I can relate to. You are you - that is enough always because God made you. Thank you for your story - it has saved me from being gaslit everywhere else I turned - but you- you were the truth I knew in my heart and I only hope your message reaches more sensitive young boys being swallowed whole by porn and discord and Reddit - thank you❤️

They say thanks is the highest forms of thought. Gratitude is happiness doubled in wonder. &It is not reserved for what you haven't yet, but is how you recieve what you've already got. And although we're all in the market for "Awe" and we all like a good surprise... Maybe youll find you can surprise yourself still. Sam, I'm grateful for who you are. You know yourself so fully as you are and have been. And yet youre changing again, lifes seasons are changing, youre teaching us all now about change. Im proud of you. Im grateful to live this life at the same time as you, wondering, praising, grieving, understanding, reveling, journeying... Always 💜Chanté

Sam, you're truly incredible and I shall keep you in my prayer. God created this wonderful being in you and may you take courage to walk in His leading and live out more and more of who He has made you to be. Much love in Jesus, Katie

Always just so grateful for what you bring…the bird was a gift ya😂👌🏻♥️ much depth in what you say great to see you❤️

Thank you for sharing yourself.

I hope you take your time with all of this. This is a journey not really a destination. We are all on a journey. There is no hurry. I do understand the detransition movement. For some, they should never have had surgery from the beginning. For others it may have been right. My concern with the detransition movement is that it may not be right for some who now have jumped on board with it the way they did with the transition. The thing is to love yourself no matter what. Love yourself in any condition and in any shape and in any form. God loves you no matter what you are. If you don't find peace and happiness in any condition it is unlikely to find it at the end of the rainbow as well so to speak. Love yourself. Be happy with your beautiful self regardless. It is all a journey. We don't have to be perfect to be perfect.

Sam, there you are again. Good to hear from you, where you’re at. I just really hope you can feel the care, it’s impossible to really let you know, I can’t make sense of it myself even, but i suppose it’s best to say sending you love again. Michele x

if theres no humans out there to interrupt you during your videos then for sure there will be a bird. lol. that was cool, i love birds. i know this is an old video but of course im sort of slowly diving into your reflections. i cant tell you how much i appreciate you sharing about your journey and about becoming human and more real, its such important stuff for us all to talk to each other about. also i really appreciate how simple and serene your videos are, its beautiful

Thank you again for sharing your fears about being a man and reasons for your transition. The fact you exsist, as YOU sre as a man, is evidence that men do not have to be the scary people you experienced and so came to believe they are. When we deny the exsistence of the men who are poets, who are thinkers, who are artists, we all lose something so integral as a society. The world needs you, as much as you need you, as the man you actually are. So grateful you are facing those old fears and courageously embracing yourself and sharing you with the world.

This story is becoming too familiar. An old friend of mine once opened up to me about her saddness....her father was an ex-military man but decided he wanted to be a woman. He was, if I remember correctly one of the first people to 'come out' about this. Understandably it was all very confusing for his friends and family. A few years later....he decided he wanted to be a man again. I never met him, I hope he found peace. I know his daughter never did.

be strong and do what's right for you, Sam. I don't know you...but I wish you the best.

Sam, that's good. That's very good. Thank you.

Hi Sam! I love the birds! I’ve been drawn back to your videos today 😊. Thank you for sharing, it feels timely to me in terms of where my partner are at right now. I am celebrating this next step in your journey and am excited to see you embrace being a man. It’s beautiful to watch and I feel myself coming alive. The fierceness with which you say “I have faith” gave me goosebumps and made me smile. Thank you for being who you are, more and more. You are a gift to this world. ❤💜💙

I will pray for your recovery and peace for you. You are loved by so many people that need you.❤️

After all that you have suffered, perhaps you emerge with a unique vantage, a place uniquely your own from which you can observe and understand the world and your fellow creatures. In the long run what you have experienced and endured could turn out to be a powerful of gift. I send you my very best wishes for health and good fortune in the future. Of course you are a man. In the past, involuntary eunuchs have had no choice but to endure what was done to them in pursuit of a certain voice or a certain role. (I don't see why you feel you must have more surgery. I think you have suffered enough) Your voice is uniquely beautiful.

Anguish is the word, isn't it? Well done.

Hi Sam, sitting in a hill side. Nice to see you.

You have touched me as I begin another day…a bit shaken, but perhaps a bit stronger for hearing you….the bird we heard was fledging and beginning it’s young life… Fair Winds

The bird is a messager....when your heart hurts, they know. Courage, you are re-taking control, little by little. We are happy to have you back.

This is my first time watching your channel. I don't know if this means a lot to you, yet I am proud of you for beginning your healing process. May you find the peace you have been searching for.

Perfumed people! Love it! ❤️

Sam, I am glad that you are enjoying the simple life and connections of a small town. I feel though that you still blame yourself so much. I am a gay man who grew up in Russia in the 70s/80s/90s. When I first saw the Bronski Beat video Small town boy in 1991(I think), it was a revelation. I didn't understand the words, but I knew everything. Being gay at that time equaled Aids, but at the same time I had to get out of my small town. There is a lot of unprocessed trauma for gay men of my generation (I am 51). There was this ever present fear of Aids, so I escaped to drug use to have sex and numb myself, and to escape feelings that I am killing myself.

Thank you!

Resonates again x

❤Thank you!

Sam, I am so touched by how delicately you pick your words. You feel everything so deeply and so keenly. I almost wish we could be friends! I see you write, but do you ever write poetry? I wanted to share a couple of poems with you that I wrote several years ago now. I was only going to share the first but it's so negative, and this video of yours so positive, that it seemed silly. Anyway -- stumbling across the resolute thought that this is what you are - trauma became you it ate you it regurgitated you and what came out is a new kind of you, one who will shake and falter at affection as well as pain // 11:11. And on an upbeat, 11:12. Breathe out. May that breath last forever - I catch myself. Thinking that I want my breath, my life continuing in any small way wrecks me to my core. This wasn’t so 6 months ago when every day was not this. 11:15 and I continue with my breathing.

Mazel tov, Sam.

Hello Sam. Just saw your vid. Have to get to work. Book, or movie, which response do you prefer? 😉

You shall receive what you deserve some day.. whether its a healed body or good things that you wish for. You shall receive it because you deserve it. Thats how the universe works.

Lovely video. Embrace being a man. ,And love thy mom, parenting is so so hard - especially mothering. We're never enough, and we're always too much.

In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi (pardon the simplicity) Welcome to wherever you are. 💜

❤

Hi hope you are feeling better soon, We are all different, I love perfume and am a nice person, I look people in the eye and say hello, you never know what's going on inside a person's heart. I think your judging us way too much . Have a great life and understand those who dress differently or whatever is different from you

Just came across this video. Wow! So glad you have come back to an absolute truth of the fact that you are a man, nothing can change that! You are correct that gender not only is physical, but is a part of your eternal spirit as well. God formed you in your mother's womb and breathed into you to His breath of life and always planned to create you male. He has a purpose for you as you were created. May you soon know, that you know that you know the one who created you. He is Jesus the Christ, the living, loving God who wants very much you come to know Him and trust Him as your personal Savior. He is the only one you can count on who will guide you in all truth, never leave or forsake you. Your eternal destination He holds in His hands. May God bless you with this eternal truth🕊✝️. I will be praying for you🙏

For symbolism I prefer to go with native american, hindu or egyptian meanings, reason being that I find cultures who are connected to nature and are spirituality based have meanings that I find resonate the most. A quick Google search for birds of prey symbolism in native culture shows that they signify protection, wisdom, healing among other traits. Birds of prey also have keen eyesight, so clarity. It seems to me you're being looked after Sam.

💔

Make your name honorable. Nothing else matters.

Mordecai in the gate 💕

The bird of prey sees you. The horned ram gazes at you. They know you. They are you. Be the wound. Be yourself. See you soon. X

🥲

I am one I mean I did take hormone replacement therapy but transition? I don't know lol Not trying to be rude. Oh, and I don't like looking. You look like how I have. I do like the colors of your clothing and the fit, it is interesting :)

I believe that at the beginning of this video you said something about the perfumed people who don't look you in the eye? Yes. They are probably somewhat dishonest people, dear. But here's the thing. Many people are not as deep into transition towards authenticity as you are. And. Your spiritual bigness and masculine energy are a lot and may be intimidating for some. So, please send positive vibes to these people and maybe even say a little prayer for them. You never know. Maybe eventually they will have the courage to become friends 🕊️

Sam, you need to free yourself from the cage of this persistent, self indulgent rumination. Life is much too short for that. Just breathe, eat, work, sweat. Smell the woods, listen to the birds and the crack of twigs beneath your feet. Get out of your head and stay out.

you said be a woman if you need to be. Why do you need to be a woman when you realize you are not and never was? If you value the fact your a man and know that to be true why would you ever need to be a woman again?

It's interesting that trans people want complete acceptance from everyone, but you spent the first 5 minutes of your video bashing, critiquing people.

so are you a guy or a girl?