Thank you for posting about this, I relate to this so much and I really think there is no way for me to recover fully if I do not find a way to live authentically as an Autistic person. I feel like my ED definitely became a way of masking in itself. Because I am a young, white and not overweight woman, I fit into the ED stereotype but I do not fit into the autistic stereotype (partly due to intense masking). Unrelated to/prior to ED: I hate eating with others, I enjoy having routines around food, eating at the same times every day, eating the same stuff etc. gives me extreme joy. I just feel like eating is something I enjoy in private. Also it's just too much for me to keep up conversation with others and focus on the sensory experience of eating at the same time and I get overwhelmed. Food is constantly a part of social interactions. So, it just became a lot easier to blame the ED for why I couldn't attend social gatherings involving food. Like if I said that I'm autistic and this situation is not doable for me, people will straight up not believe me since they don't perceive me as autistic. The ED gave me a way to be picky with food and act "weird" and kinda autistic in a way that is easier for people to "get" - since ED is something that has been talked about a lot in Western culture and although most people have a poor understanding of it, they have some idea of what it is and usually act sympathetic (again, I believe this is also due to me fitting the "stereotype" like skin color, gender, body type etc). I also feel I started my ED as a kind of resistance against the constant pressure to expand my palate, not be picky, not do my rituals and routines that bring me joy etc. It became a way for me to set boundaries and "stay weird".. I am also a vegetarian and I really enjoy refusing food from others on the basis that I don't eat meat. Just setting a boundary like that feels great to me after a lifetime of being told indirectly and directly that my sensory and emotional autistic needs are unimportant. I feel that if I can find ways to unmask and "act autistic" and authentic in my life in other areas, the ED will become less important. I.e finding the strength to just say "no, i don't want to go to a dinner party" without having to "explain" why. Neurotypicals don't feel guilty for rejecting to listen to my infodumping for 2 hrs, why should I feel guilty about refusing to do something that they find fun but I find intensely boring and overwhelming? Tl;dr: ED became a more socially acceptable way to "act out" some of my autistic traits and for people to leave me tf alone :-(

Thank you so much for posting this Fi. I am middle aged and only recently diagnosed so am still trying to understand masking and what it means to me. This is by far the best video I've seen on the topic. I relate and you've helped me to realise a few things. I'm going to watch this a couple of times as there's so much in it. Wishing you well in your recovery and life in general.

Thank you Fi for talking about autisme. I have a lot to learn from your video❤

Yes,the pretending you don't have the detailed knowledge is so me, I'll say, 'i think it's maybe something like this', when I know perfectly well that plus a lot more!

You are helping me realize so much about myself❤

❤

I have that exact jumper from temu.👍

For me, masking is about trying to fit in and not appear different.