Josh: i need a touch of a woman Carson: **MUTES JOSH** Carson: **UNMUTES JOSH** Josh: so the stock market has crashed

Josh's rambling script: I’m here to do standup. I’m here to tell you about that one time I went to the store and I wanted to buy uh new cereal brand but there were only four cereal brands. I’m looking to buy-so I go to the store, and I- and I want to buy another brand of cereal but there’s only 4 brands of cereal there’s Kelloggs, there’s general mills anduh the other two brands of cereal and I- and I’m here to tell you about my experiences there’s the Kroger brand - I don’t like the Kroger brand, I know it tastes the same but I feel like they do something to it to make it cheaper, I doubt it’s real food. Um please don’t leave please don’t leave please don’t leave dude I- this is my first gig that I’ve ever gotten, c’mon dude please don’t go please don’t go, I’m trying so hard man, I try so hard I try so hard for you I try so hard for you. See, Carson, Carson wasn’t actually losing, he wasn’t he wasn’t leaving, sorry not losing, he wasn’t leaving because he thought I wasn’t being funny, um he was leaving because he w- he was using as an excuse to use the bathroom or something and so I’m um um he by- he he did it to insult me as well but you see, I’m funny. They call me funny man because I tell jokes, they call mr funny man, uhh I have a twitch channel and a youtube channel, you should subscribe and follow those because I’m funny. And I tell jokes on those streams um I make- I’m like they call the- uhh you can call the best of carson video the best of josh because look at me - they call me man of the hour because I’m man of the hour and however many minutes long this video is. Basically, I uh am not being paid at my job as an intern at the Kroger and I need the money to pay for my daughter to go to college. She’s- she hasn’t been born yet as I don’t have a- have a mate. But you know, it’s j-just just called uh just called uhh preparing for the future. Which is what I’m doing now on on- by streaming on twitch. I’m looking for a Mate, preferably of female gender within the age range of 18 to 20 years old and uhh I’m looking for a soulmate. I’m looking for any woman’s love or affection, nothing nothing nothing brings me joy anymore. And I believe the cure-all to be the-the warm embrace of a woman. Please. I’m so desperate. You missed a riiide carson. Did someone clip it? someone better have clipped it. You better put that clip in chat cause this is soo important. Hm, okay I dunno about that. It’s called just chatting carson and I’m just chatting. Mr Films? 19 subs? That’s not a very round number. Could you gift one more sub? ~walking out from our house Christmas eve, you may say there’s no such thing as santaaa, but as for me and grandpa, we believe~ Do you like jake spakenheimer? Or grandpa spakenheimer? Or grandma spakenheimer? Or doofus, which I believe is the name of the dog? Anyway, chat let’s get back to business, I’m looking for a- -- a bride to be - -- tue a statue - -- I just need the love, I just need the love of a woman - -- and I’m such a sad, unbelievably sad person and I need love in my life uh, particularly that of a female ummm who has umm amiable features, umm well put together structure, umm and a Whole lot of heart. And a affinity for video games. I just want a gamer bride. P-preferably one that’s partnered on twitch, and is verified on twitter, so like, you know, like you get like the full package. I want her to wear nothing but swimsuits. Um men’s, like like 1930’s men swimsuits where there’s like black and white stripes all the way up and down. And I want her to marry me the day I meet her in Las Vegas, California. And we’re going to go to the place and Elvis is going to be the person, the the guy who gives me my wedding license. My my my my my bride will be beautiful in her 1930’s men’s swimsuit she’s going to be and also there’s going to be one of those 1930’s changing tents that are also on the beach and there’s going to be one of those swimsuit cops as well to make sure her swimsuit is the appropriate length as to not draw eyes of any um any unwanted parties. Especially the Elvis Presley that’s going to be getting us hitched. Ummm I’m just looking-so that’s my, that was um that was my ultimatum. If I don’t get that, within the allotted time of 3 months, uuuh, I’m going to uhhhh Stop. Everything. Until I get what I so desire. Please Please Please Please any women out there who fit the description I have so graciously provided, message me on Instagram, I’ll be sure to respond if you are hot, if you’re not hot ummm uhh. I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. You-you’ll know, you’ll know if you’re not. Anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for a woman of with a strong foundation of concrete and rebar and like like a like alike a stone, I need a rock. I need a breadwinner. But it needs- I need a lady, who will- who will carry me up the stairs and tuck me into bed and is between the age of 18 to 20 years old and is attractive to my personal specifications. I just want- I just want a high five and a slap on the ass from my beautiful bride-to-be and then I will- she can have all the money and all the cars and all the house-I’m just looking for the love of my life, I’m gonna put an ad in the classifieds, I’m gonna make a craigslist post, I’m gonna be- I’m gonna- the ad’s going to read: “looking for a structurally super - -- hot babe -- -- the stock market has crashed, the world is coming to an end - -- um in case you didn’t know the star wars films are actually based off of the time period of the 1940’s uuuh late 1930’s, mid to mid 1940’s and the star wars films have.. s like cause the stormtroopers -- - uh r saga, the national treasure saga with with the um Nicolas Cage as the main character who’s name I can’t remember is it- I think it was Benjamin - --stroying I need a woman to hold me and I’m so Desperate - -- uuh very comprehensively directed by- I’ve not seen the second national treasure and- -- the dark nature of the harry potter films after the first two… but point is I- she can’t be into the harry potter films. She has to like the national treasure film- -- not seen the film in quite some time, soo uh I’m not a fan of the vacuum cleaner character. Brave little toaster is not. That. Great. Of a plot device? Uhh but what can you say? The- but the vacuum cleaner’s scary. There’s the lamp character, there’s a blanket character, I think the blanket character was supposed to be like an electric blanket umm cause it have like a like a dial on it. I like the blanket character the blanket character is really wholesome. And then there’s also umm the toaster character, which again, I thought was a very cool plot device when I was little but now that I am at the white bald age of 36, I gotta say, it’s not a very good plot device- --non and critique the brave little toaster with me, that’s all I want in a woman. Ack - -- too into the emma, too into the Dutch. I don’t like the Belgians, they did, ahh man the bene- or the whole Benelux region in general is kinda weak. ummm none of them have a- like their own like culture or anything like it’s kinda like discount Germany. A ride across the channel from the uk, I guess that’s pretty cool. But the- but so Belgium is like half French and half Dutch, I don’t even understand- -- and they barely even have any in California, if we’re gonna be honest, The burger king franchise, it’s not like- you think there’d be more of them. I I’ve seen like maybe one and it was attached to a Walmart? I dunno where you even find them. I dunno if it’s like a mid-west or east coast franchise - -- it’s a- it’s very important for her to be of the age of 18 to 20 years old. That is probably the nu- one of the number one features that is required but she also has to be very well-off financially, so that way if twitch collapses in on itself I don’t have to go back to work- -- to do, I’m not quite sure. But, you know, there’s gotta be some way to to summon such a like an ethereal being that is uhh simple for the every man to do. Cause obviously many people have done it, I’ve seen a lot of people with girlfriends. And I just I just don’t know. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t understand. But anyway my ad is out there, you can hit me up on the uhh- -- mick was no longer in the rocky franchise. Um, I think it was after rocky 2, but um, I can’t be too certain, like he could’ve been in rocky- I haven’t seen rocky 3. He could be- I know mr T’s in rocky 3 but that’s really it, I know that rocky is like “ooh I’m hot shit” and he uhh gets his act- his ass kicked by mr T, who’s in the the the- not in g.i. joe, he’s in the a team, which is another media franchise I’ve never seen , and I’m I’m not sure if it’s good? I don’t really know anything about it. I don’t know I don’t know a lot about 80’s media, I know that ghostbusters was -

When Jawsh said he will stop everything In 3 months it was December 22, 2019, The USA went into quarantine in March, I don’t know what he did but I fear for my life.

dude josh ranting for so long is an actual talent, he could literally be a one man podcast and i would listen to it

Im not kidding when saying that the earrape clip broke my headphones

Although he moved out of this house, some say Carson’s soul is still trapped in that very same room, attempting that very specific Pokimane dance.

This feels a lot more like FORBIDDEN CallMeCarson Moments

"I want her to sit down and critique the Brave Little Toaster with me, that's all I want in a woman." That's the dream.

I knew Traves was the type of guy who would play Bloons Tower Defense

I would kill to hear the entirety of Josh's rant

Josh’s monologues are always fuckin amazing, the ability to ramble like that without losing your shit is an art and I feel like his ability to do so is *so* underrated.

Carson’s chat looks like a nightmare most of the time lmao

Every time he unmutes josh, he is saying a different subject. He also sounds like he sells fake wallets.

“Let me see what it sounds like” “ *LET ME SEE WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE* “ “ *L E T M E S E E W H A T I T S O U N D S L I K E* ”

Josh: I would like a girl with structure Carson: mutes him Carson: unmutes Josh: THE STOCK MARKETS CRASHING

Jawsh's monologue timestamps 3:03 - 3:59 , 7:34 - 8:40 , 14:43 - 16:22, 25:00 - 28:20

When Carson and schlatt roleplayed with each other, they were actually a believable married couple

Josh: If I don’t get what I want, i will stop. *EVERYTHING* So josh is the reason quarantine exists.

Carson: Hey honey, I'm home Josh and schlatt: I'm about to end this whole man's career

Holy shit, Jawsh was talking for 37 minutes LMAO

Jawsh is so unrelentingly hilarious, I'm dying in my chair listening to the mute-unmute. I can't handle this man.

This is like jschlatt and jschlatt LIVE all over again

I would legitimately listen to a podcast of Josh’s incoherent rambling. Edit: Replies are cancer. Enter at your own risk.

Remember to stay hydrated today everyone!

20 seconds into the video and schlatts already eating

this is a Lunch Club Funny Moments Moment

Bruh when Josh said "You killed my sister," I thought he said "You can have my sister" as some sort of sick peace offering.

Josh rambling is probably one of the funniest things ever

"forgotten clips that should be in the eternal abyss"

I remember these moments carson

I swear josh is just a repository of infinite knowledge

carson looks like he’s lost control of everything in his life in the first clip

carson and schlatt roleplaying sounds ominously similar to how my parents yell at each other every night

The Carson and Schlatt roleplay hit too close to home :(

POV: You get up after a night of well-needed sleep. You go to check your phone, only to see that you now have a near half-hour’s worth of voicemails from Josh. You spend the next while listening to him talk, as he tackles subjects such as the National Treasure franchise, the stock market, the Nostalgia Critic, and what he looks for in a mate. After listening, you try calling him back, only to be sent to voicemail multiple times. You become worried, and proceed to visit his house to make sure he’s okay. “Josh? Josh!” No answer. You keep searching until you eventually find him. He’s okay, but something’s off. You shrug it off, and continue with your life. It’s been three months. Josh comes to your door. He only has one thing to say. “I’m sorry it’s come to this,” he mutters. You grow paranoid, as you realize, he still hast found the mate he desired. You bask in your final moments, as Josh *stops.*

Never thought that I would hear them talk about eu4, hoi4 and Victoria 2

Bruh he said "this is wierd champ?" And I immediately got the biden ad saying YES ABSOLUTELY YES

jesus christ i can already imagine a victoria 2 stream do it

This video reminds me of simplier times

When I heard Josh’s rant come up, I experienced true PTSD.

Carson: *looking at pokimane* i'm so hungry

1:03 My thoughts rushing through my brain before I sleep

Every time he came back to josh’s rant it just got better😂

Still can’t Believe he Pissed on The Cable Box

"I really wanna hear it.. wait what does it sound like" Famous last words.

Carson playing hoi4 would be hilarious.

i ate dinner throughout this video. i suffer from an eating disorder- and it distracted me enough to eat my food. thank you.

I am so happy that Josh's rambling got put into this video. It is honestly one of the best things I ever had the pleasure of experiencing

hearing the words "europa universalis four" in a callmecarson VOD is proof that this world has gone too far

There is a lot of Paradox players in Carson’s audience then I thought. God dang Hoi4, Vicky 2, EU4.

For role play clips Part 1: Unhappy Marriage 5:38 - 6:59 Part 2: Carson on property 8:41 - 12:34 Part 3: Cable repairman 16:25 - 24:17

Disappointed that “I want a woman with a strong foundation... of concrete and rebar...” didn’t make it into the video

I love how the second clip of this video is just DEMONIC SCREECHING

“Forgotten clips that were casted into the void”

Finally Josh gets his tangent immortalised onto KZfaq.

you'd think Carson is a chunky dude, but then he stands up and he's built like a goddamn pringles can

I would marry this man

These videos are like finding a New Testament of Jesus Christ, pure gold.

who is Carson and why do you want him to call you

Carsons Editors all scare me, especially when they pull out the dice and just roll with it.

Help why are my ears ringing Edit: help why are they bleeding Edit2: I cannot feel my left ear

jawsh's stream of consciousness and his speech are literally identical, how tf does he do it

My biggest takeaway from this is that schlatt, Carson, and their friends _might_ have Age of Empires and I would love to see that.

Don’t care what Dos Equis tries to tell me. Josh is the most interesting man in the world

Damn it I thought this was The Official Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson KZfaq Channel

Some say josh is still talking to this day

Josh is great at improv lmao Adding so much info

those sure were some forgotten callmecarson moments

I walk to Burger King, the I walk back home from Burger King

Jawsh is the modern Homer and his tale of a Warm Embrace of a Woman is the new Illiad

Josh needs to be stopped when he starts incoherently rambling otherwise he can go on until the heat death of the universe

1:02 the "oh no" before being consumed by the void was great

I need an animated version of those roleplays and I will die happy I just can't get over the "toots" bit

"Forgotten, but never forgotten." -Idk.

That cable repair guy skit felt like it lasted hours

1:00 that subtle “oh no”

“you guys ever seen this?”

Carson finally realized that everything he does can be recycled into sweet CONTENT

10:12 he should’ve said “you better leave before I remove the Wii strap and things get wild”

I miss this

All the paradox games going out there at the start, I’d watch that, Carson on Victoria 2 lets goooo

Cereal when no has milk

the "Honey, im home!" bit is golden lmao how did i miss that stream??

“You’re on my property I have the legal right to kill you” still might be my favorite Jawsh quote to this day

Omfg the bit where Carson kept muting Josh and every time he unmutes him it’s a different story, I was crying

Woah that’s so cool I forgot the callmecarson clips

gone but never forgotten

I love the idea of Carson going through hunger caused delirium where his brain forces him to learn Fortnite dances while he is literally starving to death

I feel like if I fell asleep to one of Josh's rants I'd have the craziest dreams

2:34 Carson looking at a video of pokimane and saying "i'm so hungry" is definitely not what I thought I would hear today

Carson, Schlatt, and Josh role-playing was some of the best standup this year

Hurts knowing he is gone

Stream idea that I know won’t get seen but I’ll say it anyways: Fill out a Diary of A Wimpy Kid Do it Yourself book live on stream

i was legitimately way too into that carson schlatt and josh roleplay

Me who remembers everything Carson has done because I stole his memories

I wish I could forgot a certain CallmeCarson moment

1:03 I was wearing headphones. I will be calling my lawyers to arrange payment for my medical bills

You know, I have a creeping feeling that Jawsh wants a girlfriend. I could be wrong though.

This video is such a fucking fever dream

I love how Schlatt and Josh can just list of paradox games, now I want to see a hoi4 multiplayer with them and the rest of the lunch club