Intimacy, Individuality, and Breaking the Trauma Cycle with Terry Real

Intimacy, Individuality, and Breaking the Trauma Cycle with Terry Real | Being Well Podcast

Рет қаралды 48,782

Күн бұрын

On this episode, ‪@RickHanson‬ and I are joined by author and therapist Terry Real to talk about how to successfully metabolize our trauma and experience real intimacy in our relationships. We discuss how to balance acceptance and agency, develop a healthy sense of trust and self-esteem, communicate what we want effectively, and experience our power through collaboration rather than dominance.
About our Guest: Terry is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. His latest book is Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:45 Terry’s personal transformation
5:15 Regulating up to our parents
8:05 The Adaptive Child vs. the Wise Adult
15:50 Us vs. the delusions of individualism and patriarchy
19:50 Balancing acceptance and agency
24:50 Enlightened self-interest and working with couples
31:00 Three phases to get more of what you want in relationships without a counselor
35:20 How to support people-particularly women-in dealing with unfairness
39:20 Gendered tendencies-moving into intimacy and out of patriarchy
45:50 Shame and healthy self-esteem
53:15 Relational reckoning and relational integrity
1:00:30 Repairing trust and grandiosity
1:06:05 Recap
Subscribe to Being Well on:
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

Пікірлер: 92

@chellmoore2 Жыл бұрын

I must say Forrest, I have been listening to pod casts on U Tube for years and every time I listen to one of yours I feel as though it is just what I'm meant to hear that day, I have saved all I have listened to so I can listen again. You are my all time favorite, thank you!

@67208 Жыл бұрын

Same, love your podcast 🙂

@KimberleyJP Жыл бұрын

Absolutely. I listen to a new one every day. Pure gold! I wish I could share your work with everyone I know. Sooo much value in every single episode ❤️

@unveilingtruth526 Жыл бұрын

Agree, so well done!

@dublingirl1691 Жыл бұрын

💯So well explained and relatable. Thank you! 😊

@Liliarthan 6 ай бұрын

I wholeheartedly concur.

@HarmonyParenting 11 ай бұрын

"The exquisite intelligence of the adaptive child". So validating.

@upendasana7857 2 жыл бұрын

These are some of the best podcasts I have seen on wellbeing and mental health and I watch loads of them but these are some of the best.thank you.

@barnardsc4 6 ай бұрын

Forest your pacing helps me You are skilled at mirroring back while also containing truths in each layer to see relationships between different layers of the conversation. Your dads brillance shines brighter with his skilled receptivity coupled with unabashed instinct to broaden or specify topics Combined the talks are like steady flowing river that delights in small eddies but slows to remain manageable I particularly like Forrest’s way of making explicit listeners potential experience of said dynamic It enriches your river and makes me feel less alone. Thank you so much.

@angelamossucco2190 Жыл бұрын

Compassionate curiosity at the subjective experience of the other ❤ Soooo difficult in partnership Soooo essential and *mandatory* in healthy parenting.

@marilyncarlson7097 Жыл бұрын

You've done it again. Given so much value for the time I've spent with you and your guest. Marvelous information that 99.9% of marriages in our culture can use, today. I especially like your emphasis on what can people do who don't have a therapist, to apply the concepts. But I also very much liked Terry's idea of educating the grandiose partner. "Do you want to have it your way, or do you want a happy marriage?" AND the very important concept of the therapist taking sides with the disempowered partner, rather than throwing them under the bus -- which has always happened when I've taken a partner into therapy. I talk them into going there, the therapist wants them to come back again so much that he and I completely ignore my very real complaints. Partner stays grandiose and is convinced I'm the only one with problems, hence no need for him to return to therapy.

@KimberleyJP Жыл бұрын

OMG 'I became a therapist at age 4'... I CAN SO RELATE to this. I now say I'm an SME in intergenerational trauma after thousands of hours study on this over last few years.... With no qualifications... But I do believe I've been studying this ALL my life. So validating hearing these words. Its my life's work too ❤️

@tonyhill2318 14 күн бұрын

Fantastic guest, fantastic episode. Everything here had the distinct ring of truth.

@justg8798 2 жыл бұрын

So informative and impactful I will be rewatching with captions to take notes. Thank you and please have Terry Real as a guest again!

@Kiwiwanderer 11 ай бұрын

Instant follow. I listened to the first 10 seconds of Forrest and thought what wonderfully raised human and thought his parents must be special and boom 💥 he introduces us to his equally sincere and authentic father …that’s true wealth.

@ivywildwss 5 ай бұрын

Right? I've been a fan of Rick Hanson since 2020 finding my way through the covid pandemic. And Bam I find Forrest's podcast too bringing us insights into so many mind and psychological topics.

@Gypsy218 4 күн бұрын

I love all that Terry has to bring to relationships and I wonder if he could adapt that to parents and their adult children which seems very similar to me. There's an awful lot of alienation out there and not much actual help. Thanks Forest and Rick for a great interview.

@Cristina-ps7om Жыл бұрын

This episode was so good. Loved how some of the concepts were broken down and simplified in practical examples to leave with after the conversation. Thank you for always adding value to your listeners. ❤

@asadzahid2718 2 жыл бұрын

Sooooo interesting talk… wish i can talk with Terry 💖

@Kiwiwanderer 11 ай бұрын

I loved this so much ❤💔. I need to watch it a few more times to let it sink. My traumatised parents immigrated from a communist war torn country in the 1950s…my siblings & I were raised with trauma, fear, anger $ depression and a toxic marriage ……and I wanted to do the opposite but I got divorced now I see spoiling ( controlling / anxious parenting ) my daughter now 32yrs old. I never dealt with my trauma …has impacted her just as much. 💔 I’m ready to look at my damage but it breaks my heart that the cycle continues with my daughter, she said the other night she doesn’t know who she is- yet isn’t ready to look at what I did and that it wasn’t her fault. Is the only thing I can do is role modelling healing and finally starting to love /accept myself and her with such gentle compassion ( which neither of us have had. I remember asking my mother last year …you never hugged us or said you loved us….she said why would I ..who ever did that to me . 💔❤

@crystalding5589 10 ай бұрын

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I'm a generation removed but also have this experience and situation, no kids, not yet and undecided. the last paragraph you wrote - is what I'm learning now and doing for myself. Thank you for sharing how you took ownership of accepting and healing your pain. I have a feeling that simply by leading by example, you won't need to rescue your daughter from her situation - she'll just be able to be present with you, absorb your vibe, and find a way to take care of herself as well .

@theresejenkins3159 Жыл бұрын

I think you so much today has been royally toxic and listening to these podcasts and especially this particular one has been extremely helpful thank you

@jennyh4802 Жыл бұрын

Rick, you got me. Man, I really needed to hear some recognition for my strong, but ill-fitting armor. Your sincerity punched through to my heart and I heard the message. Thank you.

@ChristineDunaway Жыл бұрын

First time to comment, but THANK YOU for all your great work. The podcast is incredible and every episode speaks truth to me. So valuable. I particularly love the episodes with your wife! I really relate to her in many ways (PMDD, CPSD, über religious upbringing…) Thanks again, I’m really finding your content super helpful and meaningful.

@saramichael3837 4 ай бұрын

Amazing episode! Thank you for delivering to you audience the best of advice out there and saving us a lot of nonsense!♥️🙏🏼

@ivywildwss 5 ай бұрын

Forrest and Rick, You do an amazing job bringing guests that really inspire curiosity to learn more. So helpful.

@fionaarchibald502 Жыл бұрын

So pleased I came across this channel. Always excellent.

@chellmoore2 Жыл бұрын

Another amazing presentation!!!

@ForrestHanson Жыл бұрын

Thank you!

@soniabanwell6670 Жыл бұрын

We can really relate here, great content, guests, format and delivery thanks Forest! ❤ Sonia &Brian

@lovelyella 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for all this information, and @Rick Hanson thank you so much for speaking up for all the women out there that have been dealing with this for years. So nice to hear that validation at minimum from intelligent men, because it is very difficult as an independent recovering women to find a male partner who is trying to find a healthy relationship and finding dysfunctional patriarchal male toxicity. You bring me hope, so grateful for you Rick!!! ❤️‍🩹🦋

@sarahcouture24 Жыл бұрын

I totally agree!

@sarahcouture24 Жыл бұрын

I totally agree!

@sunnyadams5842 Жыл бұрын

Me too! Agree

@lesleymcmillan1893 Жыл бұрын

YES!

@margaritajohns7907 Жыл бұрын

Wonderful session thank you We all have issues that are like we call “sins on our parents “. You all are great and so knowledgeable and Proffetional. Many Blessings ⭐️❤️🙏🕊

@nectaroflife8394 6 ай бұрын

I would like it if Forrest and Rick could be more forthcoming about power issues and vulnerabilities in their relationship with each other.

@sarahcouture24 Жыл бұрын

Such. A. good. episode! I wish that he was our couples counselor!

@frances4773 Жыл бұрын

I love how opens up with his legacy….such warm way to balance the ego parts if us

@MechtildWittkowski 11 күн бұрын

I like Terry's phrase "bitter pill." It's not going to be perfect. But it might be possible.

@nath1284 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you all 🙏❤️

@JuliaShalomJordan Жыл бұрын

Really enjoy the subject matter you two discuss. Thank you for all the tools you share which help those who cannot afford a therapist visit.❤

@paulasullivan-ks1lp 7 ай бұрын

This was very informative and presented by three people who are very knowledgeable, compassionate, and curious!❤😊 thank you

@angelamossucco2190 9 ай бұрын

Wow. No power OVER. And standing with the disempowered. That’s the exact way to a *society* like that. With individuals.

@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat Жыл бұрын

Fabulous 👌 Thank you

@drsandhyathumsikumar4479 2 жыл бұрын

Wonderful.. the part of power through you ..much grattitude to u all

@Kiwiwanderer 11 ай бұрын

This podcast is changing my thinking - I’m 60yo this wonderful…thank you …I’m going to use some of it with my daughter …it doesn’t work just for marriages it’s for every relationship

@robertafierro5592 Жыл бұрын

I really needed this! Thank You KZfaq, again!

@erlindaparris9321 Жыл бұрын

I am so thankful for your courage and drive to be here. I appreciate the conversation. The depth of it is refreshing. It is very helpful when you bring out your examples. It feels like it encourages us to position ourselves within the themes. A first step to overcome if you ask me. The podcast framework is great. I love the summirizing in the end. I love how you reorganize paradigmas and semantics in Psychology. I hope there are many therapists here learning from you. Terrance said he wanted to develop more on the dynamic of gender/power for women. I suspect he had something in mind he did not fully elaborate on. He begins by the shift in gender/power. May I suggest you guys meet again to expand on that with the examples that Rick is often so astute to bring out to surface? I also appreciate your sensibility on navigating the relational individual against their environment/society. Thanks again! Specially Rick for sharing a bit about your late PhD. I feel like I might be where you were/or could had been before you started.

@angelamossucco2190 9 ай бұрын

Excellent information wisdom and helpful metaphors to understand those who are hurting us and/or ourselves (who allowed it). So good change can grow.

@danieldiaz-marta7853 2 жыл бұрын

Terrific!

@robertafierro5592 Жыл бұрын

Great Guest!!

@crystalding5589 10 ай бұрын

Thank you for this.

@stellamiranda5742 Жыл бұрын

Great podcast. Thanks!

@louise2091 Жыл бұрын

When you live alone you can get the house clean and easily keep it that way in a fraction of the time.!

@marynnalindseykerce7510 Жыл бұрын

6:30 emotional sensitivity, Alice Miller, the drama of the gifted child, developing extraordinary sensitivity 9:50 Gabor Mate: we don't see the wound; we see the scar tissue

@Bill.E1989 Жыл бұрын

I hate how much this hit home....This really helped me out..... you just got a new suscriber.

@donnaraeschwartz5457 Жыл бұрын

Excellent!

@janetadams3467 8 ай бұрын

This was so helpful thank you.

@dnk4559 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you

@margaretahogberg6869 Жыл бұрын

This is a very good video to listen at, Thank you for Tell me all about it

@ScottHz Жыл бұрын

I read Terry’s book (I Don’t Want To Talk About It) in the 90’s (?) It was very helpful!

@maryannestevenson5993 2 жыл бұрын

Really good

@davidjohnalpha 2 жыл бұрын

🥇

@coppersense999 Жыл бұрын

I was going to say, the "gifted" child is born with it I would argue, at least a seed, whereas sensor thinkers might pick up some or none of the intuitive empathy that becomes razor sharp in a traumatized HSP child.

@rsahay1 Жыл бұрын

Interesting!! However, you both and Terry Real did not discuss couple therapy or DIY in the context of child sexual trauma. A topic worth considering.. thanks.

@nannygoatj 2 ай бұрын

If the trauma is interfering in the ability of the couple to engage fully in couple's work, this would be considered a preexisting condition in RLT and would be referred to a trauma specialist to work with the client to help him/her/them get to the place where they can enter into couple's therapy.

@user-rc2xs5ti2w Жыл бұрын

Sensitivity is developed when you are at the mercy of the control grip of some people(s).

@hedydembowski9633 Жыл бұрын

How can i get ad free.

@ForrestHanson Жыл бұрын

Hi Hedy, the audio version of the podcast has one ad break in the middle. You can also support us on patreon for ad-free versions of the audio episodes. It's www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast

@pibbles9 5 ай бұрын

35:25 I was about to make a comment when Rick addressed it. Thank you so much for speaking on this. As Rick put it “reality does matter”… I still can’t get over Terry placing the responsibility on women to educate the men. It’s extremely unfair. Where is the leadership and accountability from men? I don’t believe we are born this way (women are more relational and men aren’t), these are socialized.

@pibbles9 5 ай бұрын

It is exactly why more women are opting out of marriage.

@kristine8338 Жыл бұрын

I do not need to fix anything.

@angelag937 Жыл бұрын

Many women are proactives but their husbands don’t react. And what happens when you are proactive but your husband doesn’t react because os all his childhood traumas??

@sarah-purplebananatravel303 2 ай бұрын

Asking women to celebrate the glass full 15% and coach their partner’s growth is still expecting women to carry the mental load in the relationship. That’s not partnership, it’s parenting.

@bonzblessit8944 Ай бұрын

Im curious if you guys have anything positive to say about patriarchy. I think it would be more balanced and accurate to point out the negative attributes of our current form of patriarchy, and then emphasize what a positive patriarchy would look like. It seems counterproductive to do anything else. Men are born to lead, so express what a healthy leader would look like.

@artandculture5262 Жыл бұрын

Not all women have it. In fact it seems rarer and rarer in western women.

@beneleonhard7915 Жыл бұрын

.. so women are better off without men. Why put so much effort into educating an adult who may not even ask for it ? Either men and women step up themselves or it is a lost cause. I will definitively not dive into the dungeons of playing a mummy or teacher to no other adult who claims wanting to maintain an relationship on eye level. This eventually cannot work as it is preposterous as well as overwhelming. Whether man or woman: You yourself have to see and want to be a true responsible adult. Women should not bottle out and then spit out vitriol. Many carry old hurts over into relationships and are already deeply disappointed by abusive children, a dad promising protection, but not living up to it, but dominating. It takes a lot on both sides. And this is not limited to heterosexual or even any kind of couples. This is also an issue between grown up children and their parents. Both parties have to want to own the past, not get oppressed by it whether perceived victim or perpetrator / non carer, but live the present. But it takes both parties. Both parties wanting it for themselves. I love the approach of acting out of self interest - with a deep compassion and love. And I love how healthy self esteem would make the current economy collapse :) Well, it would create a new world and a healthy economy which will NOT collapse ever. No more artificial cylces = viscious circles.

@Kiwiwanderer 11 ай бұрын

I think I want to marry all 3 of you? Lol😂😬

@artandculture5262 Жыл бұрын

No soul, no fly, good grief. Materialism.

@bhavloves 3 ай бұрын

I don’t want to teach or raise a dude. Please come pre-programmed. Thanks. Don’t ask women to be proactive, we’re proactive on too many things. I’m tired.

@djtanner4472 Ай бұрын

This! My grandmother certainly did not have to teach my grandfather. Interestingly enough, they had a phenomenal marriage and yes, my grandfather was a leader. I’m guessing if my grandmother had to always look at the glass half full and constantly train her adult “man of the house “how to behave properly. I’m guessing it wouldn’t have been such a great marriage.😂