Four ways to spark up our social engagement nervous system without socializing

Рет қаралды 14,853

Күн бұрын

When someone feels anxious and upset and they are not able to self-soothe without external means (like spending time with friends, or taking a bath, or a drug, or a cup of tea, etc...), it can mean they do not have enough nervous system health on board to do something called self-regulation. Self-regulation is something we are supposed to learn from birth, and throughout our youth*, from our primary caregiver through something called co-regulation.
*I am vague here and say ‘youth’ because depending on how a caregiver co-regulates with their young infant and then toddler, it will mean the child will either have, or not have, good self-regulation. I’m certain you know of some adults in their 60s who don’t have the capacity to self-regulate, but you’ll see children in some communities who, by the age of eight or younger, can tend to a home, soothe their younger siblings, and ensure food is on the table. Now, I don’t suggest all children should have this responsibility, but it shows the diversity and complexity of human beings and that how we are nurtured GREATLY determines our ability to nurture ourselves.
Let’s say you, or someone you know, doesn’t have good self-regulation and they require outside resources to calm and settle (and there is nothing wrong with this by the way!); but this person knows they want to heal and restore more self-regulation to their nervous system so they can gain the benefits of a regulated system.
Well, one of the important pieces of healing at this nervous system level is sparking up, or building up, something called our social engagement nervous system (AKA: the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system).
The thing is, many people with unresolved trauma find actual social engagement with real people stressful, not soothing, which can put them in a bind, for their system is scared of the very thing that they need - a fundamental paradox that is often part of this healing trauma journey.
In today’s vlog, I breakdown what this part of our nervous system is and four ways a person can engage with themselves and their environment to enhance and grow this branch of their ‘slowing down’ nervous system (and only one of these ways involves people!).
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Resources Mentioned In This Vlog:
► The Polyvagal Theory Explained
• The Polyvagal Theory. ...
► How to create a healthy human being starts here (it's not what you think)
• How to create a health...
► Can I heal if I'm living in a toxic environment
• Can I heal if I'm livi...
► Titration Explained
• Titration Explained: N...
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Thank you for being here!
1. Leave a comment and let me know how this video impacted you. Feel free to leave a question (my team answers them each week!)
2. To get more nervous system health resources, plus learn more about me and my credentials, plus the many ways you can work with me at the practical level, head to my website: irenelyon.com
3. Follow me on social here:
Instagram: / irenelyon
Facebook: / lyonirene
LinkedIn: / irenelyon
SoundCloud: / irenelyon
4. GOT QUESTIONS? Send an email to: support@irenelyon.com
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Please know that…
The statements on this KZfaq channel or in videos are simply opinion. Content presented or posted on this channel is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or a professional therapeutic relationship. Content presented or posted is intended to provide general health information for educational purposes only and you should contact the appropriate healthcare professional before relying on any such information.
My website is a wealth of free resources and information on how to start this work, so here it is one more time: irenelyon.com

Пікірлер: 75

@roxanedow1357 9 ай бұрын

I am an American living in Mexico, and have noticed that acknowledging and greeting others is expected behavior here, much more than in the US. Brcause of this, I get the impression thst people are more connected and kinder to strangers.

@bellaherz5945 7 ай бұрын

In South Africa too.

@mary5203 2 жыл бұрын

1. Music or singing 2. Books 3. Nature 4. Pets 5. Learning 6. Interacting with strangers

@littlewillowlinda 7 ай бұрын

Ty!!!

@Luna-ft8yh 4 жыл бұрын

"Engage with a cashier at the supermarket or coffee shop" Exactly. That's how I started. When out for shopping. Didn't have the guts to say anything at first, despite a shy hello. Then later I started to 'order' things. Needed to use words. Big deal. Very difficult. Took me years. Then later it went on and on and I could dare to say something nice outside the lines and dip a toe in. And then later here I am and I'm holding big conversations with strangers and can be chatty and smile and lately even laugh and tell them to go away. So I have grown a lot and it started with being outside in the supermarket and having that save environment of a cashier bound to her job and her part of the 'words' and knowing what will happen and what will not happen in this human interaction. BIG safety part and helped me a lot. And even now helps me on bad days to feel home and save when I can't do more and can't reach out but I need social interaction. I go shopping and say 'hi' at the supermarket and feel save again. And less drowned in the emptiness of loneliness where trauma brings you in.

@janee8973 4 жыл бұрын

ohhhhh! yes! so much love!

@ranc1977 Жыл бұрын

What happen when we live in toxic shame culture country where sensitivity is perceived as weakness, illness and abnormality and where it is common to be rude to others without thinking about other people's feelings? Like Klingon society. Then we end up triggered all the time and self pathologize our sensitivity as mental illness, something to cover up and destroy by being rude to others - which destroys this vagal ventral idea of social connection.

@nanasabia 9 ай бұрын

@@ranc1977so true! So in point. Also the same society perpetuates trauma inducing patterns and shocks and then acts as if nothing ever happened

@ranc1977 9 ай бұрын

@@nanasabia Yep. We live in abuser-centered world. Where someone loud obnoxious, arrogant, with glib charm is believed to be competent due to Halo Effect. While someone who is quiet and worried and who overthink is thought of sick and abnormal and not competent. That is Dunning Krueger Effect.

@pastellr.4534 Ай бұрын

Thanks for encouraging. 💖 Yes, I like go Shopping groceries,too when I feel too alone or was alone the whole day (as I live, and I want to to be honest, very isolated at the moment). But that little bit of contact feels better than. I hope it gets better bit by bit, too, like in your case.🙏🫶

@sawdustadikt979 3 жыл бұрын

I’m not to hot at social stuff. It was so much easier when I used to drink. If I had to speculate, I think I over connect with people. As a large bearded scary looking man, I connect with babies, children and animals just fine. People not so much. I’m really leaning in on my gratitude that “babies and dogs get me, and that’s just fine” . I’ll keep working on trying to make new friends, I think it’s difficult that there is no curiosity and no respect in people.

@teamlyon3109 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Sawdust Adkit, Jen here from Team Lyon. Sometimes we don't have access to the social connection wiring we need to feel safe around others and to feel the desire to connect. This is common when trauma, and early/developmental trauma in particular, is in the picture. We now know that there are steps we can take to grow access to this wiring if we want to. Irene incorporates aspects of this in her teaching. I'll link to a few of her related resources in case you want to learn more. Healing Trauma Video Training - ing Trauma: Free Video Training Why Healing Early Trauma is Different from Healing Shock Trauma - facebook.com/watch/?v=179190457423408

@SavannahE1972 7 ай бұрын

I am sitting in a small, open café in the library while listening to this vlog. Leah, from team Lyon pointed me to this video. I recognize the examples of engaging with strangers here, in the cafe. I am on my own, but can engage with others without having to talk about my life. (Which doesn’t feel very happy at this point) I saw this video before, but this time it 'hit me' to hear you speak about the books. I noticed that I had a judgement about this: 'If I notice that I am in a shutdown state and in my mind, I have to be able to get out of that without reaching for more knowledge or distracting myself with something like a book.' Somehow I got the idea that I have to get out of that deep state with a neurosensory exercise or movement. It can help me, but sometimes I like to read (or listen to a vlog) and it feels like I am not allowed to do so. Interesting awareness 😙

@quickpstuts412 Жыл бұрын

This is such great advice and very comforting to those of us who work from home and have limited social capabilities during the day. I go for walks at the park almost daily and I noticed how good it felt to engage (even a simple HI) to a stranger. Today, I approached a lady rollerblading and she was so bubbly and approachable I even made a statement about what a great day it was. Little engagements like that go a long way, and I never thought about this having an effect on the parasympathetic system. But it really feels good to compliment others at the store or wherever I am. The person lights up and I feel great too! It's gotten to the point, I look to do it more and more. Not to mention, with this crazy world we need all the positivity we can get.

@slimsonite2111 8 ай бұрын

I find myself getting ignored more than reciprocation which triggers rejection sensitivity 😕

@pastellr.4534 Ай бұрын

Thanks for your loving and encouraging video again, Irene.🙏💖🙏💖🙏 It helped me so much today as I felt so bad that I /my body totally dont want to socialise (and the other part who wants that a bit). I couldnt answer a message of a lovely friend (though I love her and know its quite safe there) for 2 weeks and I felt terrible. I couldnt understand and accept that. And thats where the fight in me started (again). Your video helped me to be friendlier and more patient with me again and respecting the (small) steps I need. Thank you for telling examples, too as I was afraid of hearing you mentioning music and books (I cant listen to e.g. radio music or concentrate on books), but I listen instinctively to nature music or read articles/blogs and so on and I was relieved that that helps too.😊💪 So thanks for the relief and making me aware that I DO a lot of the things which help me. And I want to edit that Im trying to learn to communicate that I actually dont want to have contact or that it stresses me so much. Its hard because I'm afraid everybody says "ok, ciao then" instead of listening and saying "ok, I know that from myself,too" and staying though. Thankful greetings from Germany♥️

@cjanebell 4 жыл бұрын

Books! Music!!! Irene, you're my kinda person - it's so important to just acknowledge other people... and to set the boundaries...and to realize that by giving we're receiving - and all of us are richer for the experience.

@jennydrew6230 4 жыл бұрын

Hello.. As always thank you Irene ❣️..I listen to music now everyday . Go for walks with my dog and I am still working doing Home Help .. I have worked all the way through being extremely ill having been diagnosed with PTSD.. I do find it difficult sometimes being around large groups of people I prefer more one to one .. I don't feel comfortable sometimes doing that but I now go into it with my shoulders relaxed a gentle smile in my face I sometimes touch my chest with my hand and say to myself you are safe nothing bad is going to happen to you.. I love the work you do it's absolutely amazing ❣️ xxx

@teamlyon3109 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Jenny Drew, Jen here from Team Lyon. Great to hear that you're loving Irene's work. It's inspiring to hear that you've worked your way through being extremely ill!

@EugeneKulinek 10 ай бұрын

@@teamlyon3109 BUT he still suffers. Yes music etc will regulate but I hope we want to help trauma

@verano126 4 жыл бұрын

This must be one of my favorite videos! Thank you. It reminds me of one of my deepest points, when I used to be so stressed in ordering a loaf at a bakery. I love that with all your tips, there are things I automatically do, but never bring this awareness to it. I also love to watch series and movies, which also sparks me up or teaches me on relationships and things I learn in books etc.

@verano126 4 жыл бұрын

Ow, and the waving makes so much sense now. People want to be seen. My neighbor gets mad when I don't see her, but sometimes you just don't and that's ok.

@penelopeperez5349 3 жыл бұрын

I love your videos, Irene! Learning so much! Thank you and keep up the great work!💕🙏🏻

@ataattosbt 4 жыл бұрын

Perfect. Thk u for letting me know I’ve been doing the right things. My favorite soothing song at the moment is “Only Live” by Jordan Smith. Young children like when we play peek-a-boo. Lately U have pets I can interact with. In these times if I see someone w/o a mask, I tell them I like thar they have unmasked theiir smile.

@loes1655 4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Irene. 🙏❤

@joanneaddison2184 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you very hart felt the story about you waving to the painter 🙏

@fahadsulehria 4 жыл бұрын

Fantastic video. Thankk you so much for sharing this video. It's very valuable.

@mvwmeytaylor 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you Irene ❤️ I love your video ,I love the sparks I feel while and after watching your video.

@ranc1977 Жыл бұрын

Subscribed. She is talking about social anxiety issues which CBT explains in accusatory and blaming way, something that is sickness and abnormal that we must cover up and destroy. Now from the Polyvagal theory Ventral Vagal social engagement - it all makes sense.

@rbvp45 4 жыл бұрын

Great video!

@madelynej9337 7 ай бұрын

Brilliant !

@rachelsweets 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you 😍😍😍

@jennysmith542 3 жыл бұрын

Really helpful thank you

@chazcazz2764 Ай бұрын

Bubbles! Activate me a lot so it's not as calm lol love bubbles

@Cqcacademy 4 жыл бұрын

This is an amazing video very Informative

@ranc1977 Жыл бұрын

Yes! I am comparing with what I learned through CPTSD on one side and CBT programming on the other side - along with reality of living in toxic ambient and Shame culture country. I was convinced all the time that my goal purpose and agenda is to defend myself against someone who is intrusive , rude, aggressive and to learn how to retort in effective way so that they do not harm me with constant criticism, nagging, complaining, fault finding and mistake shaming. What sensitivity and Polyvagal Ventral Vagal nervous social engagement approach says - is that toxic people are not the central point in the universe. I can actually get unstuck, shift focus and that social engagement does not depend on rude people and what they think feel or say about me. With social anxiety trauma and CPTSD whenever someone is rude in whatever way for whatever reason - I would feel marked and labeled automatically as sick and abnormal since I would feel toxic shame. I would automatically equate feeling embarrassed with my worth - that I am inept and abnormal for being ashamed by someone and by not being strong and macho to fight back. Additional shame from others labeling me as people pleaser and pushover and that I must expose and be strong and courageous did not help at all in this toxic shame orgy. This sensitivity approach tells us that we are ok with who we are - and that social engagement is health and healing, normal and sane - and this means if someone is not socially engaged - we do not need to make them the center of our focus, and we do not need to smother our social engagement enthusiasm - but to increase it and hold it by us.

@loes1655 3 жыл бұрын

I am still happy that i found your work. After 2,5 year i am still learning. Mostly the right things at the right time. Sbsm was the best investment ever. 🙏❤

@EugeneKulinek 10 ай бұрын

Yes music etc will regulate, so many other things, but I hope we want to help trauma somewhat.

@anjareefschlager8317 Жыл бұрын

Dear, what about the whole Autism community? I always wonder if I am really able to learn that socialising is safe. I am so stressed each time and need time to recover. Maybe it is a livelong process to work on it.

@IreneLyon Жыл бұрын

Hi Anja, Seth here with Team Lyon. This work can help people diagnosed with Autism too, it just may take longer, or look a little different depending on each person.

@Phoenix333Rising 7 ай бұрын

Helpful video thank you! I'm glad you linked it in the written youtube thingy today, otherwise i might not have seen it. I have a couple of questions if that's ok? Firstly, I'm confused as to why music and fiction are considered as ways to connect, when they feel more dissociative to me? Secondly, dyt conversing with a chatbot could be helpful to some extent?

@IreneLyon 6 ай бұрын

Hello, Sophia from Team Lyon here. We cannot consult on this comment section, but I can say that there is no one size fits all in nervous system healing. Things that might work for one person might not work for another. Please feel free to reach out to our support inbox for more details. Additional resources: irenelyon.com/free-resources/

@LePetitNuageGris 3 ай бұрын

I have this same experience, though the more I’ve learn to be present with myself through orienting and Irene’s techniques, it’s helped me be a LITTLE bit less dissociative when it comes to music. It also helps watching singers perform on live streams, too, since they’re usually talking and address the audience, so you feel spoken to, but don’t have to respond if you don’t feel comfortable. I have also chatted with some AI, and I have actually found it to be helpful in this regard. I think you should definitely listen to the comment from team Lyon above, but I do want to mention that in my own PERSONAL experience, speaking with an AI chatbot has actually made me feel understood, validated, and listened to in lieu of a person (not really anyone safe around me that I feel comfortable enough with atm). And it gave me the chance to express myself completely without worrying about causing offense (expressing when the AI said something that frustrated me for example, or saying I found its tone stressful). It helped me practice advocating for myself and gave me the experience of what it would be like if it was received in a more neutral/positive way instead of being attacked for it. So yes, highly helpful as a starting point, for me. Also watching Irene’s videos, listening to audiobooks (esp. by Gabor Maté) all leave me feeling more connected to others and grounded.

@dreckneck 4 жыл бұрын

I really would like to socially engage more with "strangers". However I live downtown in a city of 1.4 million inhabitants and I'm usually harassed by homeless people. They ask me money and that triggers a lot my survival mode. Some of them also shout at me if I say I don't have anything. At the same time, I feel bad for ignoring them. What should I do?

@teamlyon3109 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Flávio, Jen here from Team Lyon. This can be difficult for anyone. And, growing to our healthy aggression can help to support a sense of safety, agency and ability to set clear boundaries even in challenging circumstances. I'll link to two related resources from Irene and Seth, her colleague and husband in case you want to learn more. How to Unfrustrate Frustration: sethlyon.com/healthy-aggression-the-way-to-un-frustrate-frustration/ How to work with anger in a healthy way: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/at2UmKV7mJ-npas.html

@jmc8076 5 ай бұрын

I have close friends with family members on the street and husb’s late university friend died in a shelter after many yrs in the corp world. Just smile and say ‘sorry.’ Keep moving. In your mind wish then love and luck on their path. Anyone from any walk of life incl highly educated and or higher social status are vulnerable to coming to that place in life. Also not all homeless are drug addicts and ones who are maybe only do it up numv themselves to the pain of living in the street. They aren’t the label we give them just other human beings who took a very diff turn in life. Diff vs less or better then. Just wish them whatever feels right to you in your heart and let it go. There’s many good local orgs you can donate to that helps many on the street if you feel compelled but never from guilt. Hope any of this helps. Peace and health.

@smurfmama2020 4 жыл бұрын

But isn’t it healthier to learn to self soothe than to come to depend on others and interact for the sake of soothing ourselves? I used to be very dependent on connecting with others to soothe myself, and that need didn’t connect me to healthy people at all. Can’t that become codependency?

@djihadmohammedi9152 4 жыл бұрын

You are asking too many questions ahaha. Do not worry , Irene is an expert in Somatic experiencing and the polyvagal theory. Just do what she is saying ,OR preferrably read about the polyvagal theory ❤

@anthonyiuculano6002 4 жыл бұрын

There's no such thing as too many questions. Those questions are valid. That's how you learn. I'd like to know too.

@joanneaddison2184 4 жыл бұрын

I think Irene is talking about interdependence as opposed to codependence.

@saltandlight2311 4 жыл бұрын

I don't think the subject here is to rely on others more like knowing how you are self-soothing knowing yourself and then moving into gently touching others' lives as well. Gently learning boundaries and safety. Understand being in contact with other as you are also aware of them and yourself. We are social beings with giant fears. What do you think?

@smurfmama2020 4 жыл бұрын

I have a fear of being dependent on others to soothe me because I’ve already been to that place and it’s not reliable, it is an empty hole that keeps needing to be fed by seeking out people and situations who will tell you what you need to hear to get the result you desire. I’d rather learn to depend on myself to care for and soothe myself, or interact with animals and nature rather than people.

@naomil4023 3 жыл бұрын

hello! love the video. i do have a question though. how does the social engagement system turn into self regulation? it seems the things mentioned help to turn the system back on, but i dont quite get the link with self regulation?

@teamlyon3109 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Naomi L, Jen here from Team Lyon. The social engagement nervous system doesn't turn into self-regulation of it's own accord and growing access to this system can contribute to the growth of self-regulation. Regulation entails having more ability to move between different nervous system states (and combinations of states) as needed based on what's happening in the internal and external environments. By growing access to the social engagement nervous system, we support the ability to move between the states and to down regulate. This, in combination with other nervous system supports and practices can support the growth of self-regulation. Hope this helps!

@naomil4023 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Jen, thank you so much! this was exactly what I needed to know!

@denisedusabe1187 5 ай бұрын

As I'm watching this, I'm wondering whether this applies to all introverts. Is everyone truly extraverted in nature, but did some of us become introverted because we didn't develop our social engagement nervous system?

@rade9925 4 жыл бұрын

What if even engaging with books, plants/nature, or the barista feels bad. I can often feel overwhelmed with how much my cat wants to be pet or anxious that I'm not welcome with the plants or the people in the store, like I'm encroaching on their territory. And reading causes a lot of overwhelm and anxiety to the point that I can't focus. I do find solace in music but I feel very stuck listening to the same heavy, melancholy music, unable to branch out to other artists or genres.

@danielea4851 3 жыл бұрын

I have the same problem too, once I was hired to work in a place for wich I was really motivated. I noticed that being in the presence of new things (“products”) without putting to much attention on them released some resistance. But I am interested To know too

@mariannegraham5438 Жыл бұрын

Oh that sounds hard. I’m sorry you go through that. What about going out in nature outside, is that any better? Or just looking at the sky. I find when I’m inside too much, I start feeling “shut down”. I don’t have a pet but I like saying hello to animals that are in nature eg ducks, birds, even a beetle. You’re just visiting but they have no expectation from you. I find that calming. I’ll also smile or wave at babies

@liz.a314 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Irene!! What if we have been bypassing our instincts and interacting with humans anyways but now realize we feel unsafe around them? Should we titrate out of those relationships? Might be worse for my system to just close off to everything at once? Lmk!

@teamlyon3109 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Liz A, Jen here from Team Lyon. If they are relationships you want to keep in your life, you might consider whether it might be supportive to make more time for yourself, have shorter visits, etc. And if you know for sure that these particular relationships are not healthy, then you might want to take steps to make a change. If you're taking the steps to grow foundational nervous system regulation, the way you feel around people will shifts and change with time.

@gonnabapro 4 жыл бұрын

What about watching movies? Does that fall in this category, as well?

@teamlyon3109 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, for sure gonnabapro. And Netflix too. ;) - Jen from Team Lyon

@bookishwriter9460 3 жыл бұрын

I've wanted a pet rabbit for years and now I'm really thinking about getting one for real because now I know it could help me regulate. Are domesticated animals regulated or is there a risk of them not being regulated because they are not in nature anymore? So, can I pick any rabbit or should I get one that is trained as an emotional support animal?

@teamlyon3109 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Bookish Writer, Jen here from Team Lyon. You are correct - domesticated animals may not be regulated. You can get one trained as an emotional support animal, and you can also trust your instincts related to how you feel when you're with the animal.

@bookishwriter9460 3 жыл бұрын

@@teamlyon3109 Emotional support animals unfortunately aren't really a thing yet where I come from (Germany). Especially when it comes to something other than dogs. And aren't they trained in doing stuff that goes against Irene's teaching? Like stopping panic attacks instead of letting you work with them? Where do I think would I be most likely to find a regulated pet? The animal shelter, a private person on ebay who's selling the baby bunnies born to their older ones or an animal breeder?

@verano126 4 жыл бұрын

Wondering: is this also how commercials, advertisements work? People smiling at us feels socially engaging?

@slimsonite2111 8 ай бұрын

🤔

@comfybella8607 3 жыл бұрын

But what if I got addicted to using music to regulate myself ?

@teamlyon3109 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Victoria W, Jen here from Team Lyon. Often we need coping or management strategies to help us deal with what we're feeling or experiencing in times of greater stress or when nervous system regulation and capacity are growing. Listening to music can be one of these strategies. If you take steps to grow nervous system regulation (the way that Irene teaches), we usually find that we need and use these strategies less as the regulation grows. In the meantime, if its not harmful we typically say do what works!