Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I just realized that in the absence of someone for me to adapt to, I don't have a clear sense of who I am and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

Finally, someone who doesn't gloss over this by just saying codependency is being addicted to an addict.

I've never heard someone put it in the exact words I've felt. My insecurities force me to take on the other person, be it a friendship or romantic. Become who I think they'll like. You're right that we need both, because even the nurturing and nourishing people I've gotten attached to, while they made me feel good about myself, I still did most things for them to like me. The self-love aspect was still missing. When we completely envelop someone in the beginning of a relationship, they're almost blown away at how kind and thoughtful we are. It comes across as selfless, but really were just trying to be liked so that maybe we can feel good about ourselves if only for an instant. I still need some actionable self-love techniques. I'm at the very beginning of my self-love Journey.

i feel healing codepdendency has a lot to do with putting my perspective of things first because growing up in a dysfunctional family with gaslighting present, what disconnected me from a sense of self was my feelings always being questioned and minimized.

The problem is that, until codependents heal their core wounds and become aware of their self-abandoning behavior, they only know how to choose controlling and damaging people like those who programmed them that way in the first place. It's a catch 22.

The funny and self-defeating thing about people-pleasing and pretzel twisting to keep someone in a relationship or be what you think they need; is that they end up getting bored and ultimately leaving any way. Either way, might as well take responsibility for and be true to yourself. :)

Wow! I have always believed in a soulmate, which I now understand is my desire for a savior to heal my attachment wound. This is going to take a bit to process, but it's so helpful to think about just looking for good, ordinary love, which seems more attainable.

I really needed this reminder today. That we need self-love simultaneously with loving connections. I've been pushing off a new romantic relationship due to fear of not having healed enough, fear of calling into codependency again, but also acknowledging that having loving connections supports your healing and growth. ❤

Thank you, I hate being a codependent and have suffered way too much because of this,

that is so true... I always thought that I have to work on myself first and then go into the relationship... Now I know these two things can coexist together. It works even better, because through relationship you get to know yourself better.

I love this. “WE NEED CONNECTION BEYOND OURSELVES.” Factz 💯

I love that: Self Love and Relationships for Humans are like Sun and Water for the Garden.

Years of doing this has been the cause of so much rensentment and self betrayal. I am really ready to stop these deep rooted behaviors of codependency but it feels and has been all about survival. The part where we have to love ourselves is to be kind and non judgmental that we do this and have.

what I don't understand is that I didn't behave like an addict. I did have control, I didn't message or call all the time, had few but not 0 boundaries, gave a lot of space, had my own interests and even then, that wasn't enough. I did express my love in a polite way, didnt have addictions, didn't abuse physically or mentally. I know people who are high maintenance, egoistic, crazy, drug addicts in relationships but nothing I did was good enough. I thought I did work on myself barring mild love addiction and very mild codependent tendencies.

This is the most sane, rational take on "loving yourself" that I've ever seen. I was scapegoated by a narcissistic family who "spiritually bypassed" their own emotional avoidance. They held themselves up as spiritually superior (Buddhist) paragons of so called "lovingkindness" by telling me I'm dysfunctional because I just don't "love myself" enough. Meanwhile, they distance themselves from emotional connection by hiding behind their spiritual "perfection". It's scary.

I can't say I have no self love but I have realized I always need reassurance and validation; and this is what makes me codependent and maybe a bit too much in relationships....to the point that when a man I love or even just friends don't respond the way I like or expect, severe anxiety is triggered within me. This realization is liberating and I must work on it to be healthier emotionally and mentally.

Perfectly said! I'm fed up of hearing the self love mantra and people acting like we only need ourselves. We also need others and we need to love and be loved.

I struggle with codependency and loving my self. I have moments where I'm comfortable in my body, but if someone I love traumatizes me or insults my body, I instantly feel worthless and its like everything I've worked hard for to feel positive has disappeared. I strongly feel my own codependency and behaviors stem from looking at myself and feeling rejected. 😪I need to heal, I desperately need to heal.

Such a great definition of loving yourself. It's almost more like being honest with yourself. I love it thank you

“Having to love yourself first” sometimes becomes a condition! Love is unconditional don’t put conditions on yourself this will only further put u into self doubt. Thankyou for this video it was great.

If you dont know or love yourself....its going to hard for you to recognize healthy and nurturing relationships because you are not aware of the programming of denying yourself and pleasing others to be liked.

Allan is one of the Best Healers...so genuine and knowledgeable.

I'd say I agree. But, it's just way too difficult to meet ppl these days. And, every time I try, I wind up regretting it. So for me, I just can't allow myself to need other ppl anymore. I've become an extreme hermit, but it's the only way I can function in this cruel world. I live w/ a dog & a cat & that's enough for me

finding the right people to grow with is important

I’ve been stuck in the self love only phase for over a year. It’s scary and difficult to connect with others out of fear of letting my codependency behaviors badly affect more ppl. I realize I was the problem and I pushed the ppl I care about the most away with my dysfunctional relating. Thank you for letting me know I need new connections too. It’s part of the whole human experience.

Thank you so much for this! I have taken the self love idea very literally, only realizing now that healing doesn’t have to come from being alone with all my energy focused inward. I can remain in my marriage, love my family, and still take steps to care for myself.

the thing is, for a codependent, it's crucial to cultivate at least some level of a relationship with one-self or at least being aware of the concept of first love FIRST before being in a relationship. But in the meantime, being nourished by the love coming from family members and friends is something that can be let in

Well said. People would say to me, “When you love yourself, that’s when you’ll meet someone.” I alway found that extremely hurtful. I’d look around at people in relationships and say, “All these people love themselves?” With a high divorce rate and all these people love themselves?” It was as though they got to make a proclamation that they indeed love themselves because they are in a relationship. Let’s ignore the fact their partner is on drugs, lazy, cheating etc... I’ve been waiting to hear what you just said for a long, long time. Thank you!

Thank you for validating my feelings and explaining it all so clearly and rationally. I need other people to survive, period. I cannot survive alone.

I think knowing oneself is the biggest barrier to being in a true relationship. It’s very difficult to recognise whether or not you love someone when your metric for being in relationship is the feedback you get from pleasing someone. I struggle with this especially because I never seem to experience strong romantic attraction. All relationships then feel like a business decision rather than an emotional connection. I think the answer may be in rebalancing the nervous system so that you are predominantly in parasympathetic mode where you feel safe and able to feel and receive love.

Thanks Alan! I was beginning to fall into the mistake of putting self love on a pedestal above and beyond any other love/friend/family relationship. And I was also starting to feel the pain of encapsulating myself in that "jail"! Thanks for clarifying we all need both.., water and sun and other forms of emotional nourishment. Thanks again!!!

9:14 "if you don't do this and don't do it in the right way you won't be able to be in a relationship . . It becomes an if, then." Wow, you ate that up sir!!!

thank you... it really is a lifelong journey to be as honest as possible with yourself and others..

Thanks for a view that is so different to what the mainstream tries to ram down our throats. I know that I love myself and I know my worth. I have a lot of love to give too. Just because another person doesn’t know how to receive love, isn’t a ‘me’ problem. I choose to work on a relationship because I don’t give up easily and believe in giving things a go particularly if you care for the other person. If there is a mutual consent that things aren’t working then time to move on.

Thank you Alan! You’ve helped my sister heal through a traumatic breakup and understand how to heal from codependency. Very thoroughly and practically explained 👌🏼

This is a really great video "self love is to know thyself" creating and maintaining an identity outside of yourself in relationship

Alan, it's 2021. Amongst all those "love yourself" videos, I couldn't find a bit of truth. I found my reality and my truth within your words. You are so accurate, its almost scary. You are so sensitive to human nature, and you put that subject in such perspective. You are so clever, almost a mind reader.

I am glad to hear that. It is not helpful when a coach say : "you do not need anybody just yourself," when isolated and no money to run away. A loving person could help a lot to be able to focus in that difficult situation.

This is the best explanation I’ve heard on self love and co dependency. It clicked. Thank you

I can’t help but feel such a strong distain for those who put me though this hell as a young child and young adult. Where is their punishment?

This is a major heads up. Receiving has been challenging for me and never paired it to the "love yourself" concept...until now. Thank YOU so much for this essential morsel along my journey towards wholeness and freedom!

so trusting how i feel and learning to set boundaries when i feel im not feeling respected i think is the message to my inner children that today i am taking care and honoring how they feel, and that creates a harmonious self love affirming message to myself. then i can chose to be with people where the connection flows naturally or better, its an organic process!

Alan's integrity, probity, and wide-ranging thoughtfulness have yielded fine and lasting insights. Truly rare but commonsensical (common sense isn't very common). Hard won, and honest.

I recently lost my mom, and found that I really have no sense of who I am without her. She was the one person on this earth who knew me better than anybody including myself 🥺. I have years of work to do

Incredible . Every word spoken. Amazing that this was posted five years ago - as it is extremely relevant today I feel like, maybe more now than ever? Well, relevant to myself . Thank you - and here’s to getting past this

I want to say that the overuse or misuse of "love yourself" can be materialistic, like seeing it as a thing to have that will make you happier. It's just starting to be clear to me that it's a process. Thanks for teaching me, Alan.

I truly feel like your emphasis not only on the negatives of codependency but also the positives was very helpful. I never realized how much I prioritize putting others before myself which has ultimately resulted in my loss of self and the development of codependency. Thank you for this video. I truly feel like it opened my eyes to the possibility of improvement but not refusing relationships as a whole. I cannot thank you enough for this. It truly helped me address many insecurities I have, while also helping me understand that it is alright and to redirect that energy. Thank you for this video! 😭❤

Thak you sooooo much, this is very helpful and validating because I started feeling not ok when I feel that I need love, support, encouragement and validation from those who matter, and because of what I hear that we need to love ourselves first I start wondering if I am really loving myself!!

Wow your description of codependency dynamic makes so much sense

I come from a great and loving family but I have been bullied most of my life. I didn't realize I was codependent until my therapist said I was today because of how I act in relationships. I wish I would have known sooner.

What is overlooked or isn't said enough in those trite self-love messages is that it's also about knowing yourself how you want to be treated and how you receive love from others, and that how to have healthy loving connections that serve your self-identified emotional needs is and should be inherent in this practice. Because loving treatment of self reflects in how you wish to be treated by others. Learning how to have healthy connections is inherent in the practice of self-love. But that's hard to fit in trite sayings.

Im so glad this video didnt said as some other video " leave your partner cuz u need to heal yourself first" like this video actually include, both and that's good, like it's legit helping to understand better how have been with my partner right now.

Thank you for this video, I’ve been mostly alone for 4 years after my my marriage broke down… and I definitely needed time to heal and figure myself out… but I definitely need to start letting people, slowly and cautiously back into my life.

Thank you! I agree that we need both! You are the first to say it!

Wow! This is one of the best videos I have come across EVER, and it's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!! 👍😀

Thank you SO much for this video, Alan. You are talking about some very important stuff. The covert shame that can come out of self help practices/perspectives can be so detrimental to healing

Paradigm shift encountered! Thank you, Alan!

Thank you so much!! You hit the nail on the head! I'm so glad you said this. Since you are a psychotherapist I'm really excited to watch your channel.

Thank you. It creates a lot of pressure to have the idea that I should always be able to be happy on my own.

Love it :) thank you so much for making this video 🙏🏼

This is a really balanced approach to healing relationships-it avoids labeling behavior and points out the interactive nature of self growth. Thanks, Alan!

This is powerful stuff! Wow!

"We need both" Thank you for saying that. I love your videos.

LOVED listening to this, Alan, so few professionals are able to articulate the tricky navigation on the codependency recovery pathway. You speak and share beautifully. I’d love to interview you. You’re brilliant. Deepest thanks. ❤❤

Ima just use this as a place to talk about what I’m going through. I don’t have much of a relationship with my family due to being shipped off to a boarding school at the age of 5. When I graduated I moved back home away from all my peers and adult mentors. Leaving me to try to squeeze myself into the family I was away from for 12 years. I feel completely separated from them and have no friends back home. Then I meet this girl at the job I started. It’s a factory so we work swing shifts and work with the same people all the time. So we would see each other at work often then I started staying at her dads house until we got our own apartment. But pretty much for the better part of 9 months we’ve been together nonstop. And for someone who feels that’s they don’t have a understanding of who they are and mental health issues that I’ve yet to find clarification on, this was something very comforting for me. Receiving love from a woman that I never got from my own mother or father. Feeling wanted got me addicted to her so quickly. But I’ve always had a sense of paranoia thinking she’ll cheat on me or want to talk with her exes. Every time her phone dings I look at it or check it every time she’s not around. I constantly cross boundaries that I shouldn’t . And I don’t know how to stop because I’m so afraid of being cheated on or not wanted. I’m away from her now writing this and I’ve felt nothing but anxiety all day and it’s quite crippling. When I’m not with her I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I have no life outside of her. Not much family and no friends and no hobbies. The perfect concoction for a leach of a boyfriend. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever struggled with. And I want to get over it. I want her to feel like she has a life outside of me and I don’t want to be suffocating anymore. It’s just so hard to resist touching her all the time or wanting attention from her. I truly hate that I’m like this. I hate that I’m suffocating the person I love. And I hate that she’s my only source of that love. I need help with this a lot.

This is exactly what has happened through my life it's amazing how you know me so well in all your videos. Thanks for the wise guidance.

I'm getting that membership on the 5 th of June when I get paid this is the best self help videos thank you for helping others through your videos good knows your helping me

Life Saver, thank you so much. My hero!

I decided focus on myself, and do not let absorb any poison, because the big problem is : I don't know how to distinguish genuine kindness from toxic? Any advice.

Thank you! I needed this!

The process to have a better life is a lifetime one. Your videos are so informative and amazing. Thank you

Thank you! Finally someone who sees this properly! We are taught early in our lives how to treat or love ourselves by our caregivers....

Bless you!

Amazing and spot on!

Well said Alan, thank you.

Yes thank you!

Alan, the construction noise is so apropos to the topic and who I believe you represent! It is so REAL! You are so real, honest and super insightful on this topic of balancing self-love with love and support from others. We can be swayed so shifty to an extreme, all the while losing sight of other important aspects or factors that create our world! I am thoroughly enjoying the expansion you are showing all of us!!! Thank you for being you and fulfilling your purposes in this world by sharing with us these marvelous nuggets of wisdom!!!😍

Great explanation... I always felt self love alone as the ultimate answer seemed off. Thank you!

Thank you Alan!

Yes!! Agree!! Thank you sir!!

Thank you! I so very much appreciate the complexity you highlight.

Love yourself first. Funny...my ex used to use that term as the reason to be narcissistic and self indulgent while putting my needs on the back burner. BTW, it took me awhile to cultivate, but yes my garden grows! 😊

By far the best explanation of this that I have herd. Thank you for the clarity and kindness that you’ve included in this explanation! Very gracious.

thank you for providing one of the most relevant explanation on youtube!! you are helping the community in the most pure way!!

This is the most real and comprehensive presentation on self love. Thank you so much!

This is a great perspective.

Thank you so much this made so much sense.

This is very helpful :)

You sir are a genius and i wish you only good things. You are helping so many people! ❤

Really good stuff, I’m glad I’m still listening 💙

I’ve said to my therapist and friends, I’ve never lost who I was, I know exactly what I like and how I feel, and enjoy doing what makes me happy, taking care of my responsibilities, handling my own emergencies, and tending to my personal to-do list. I do not develop my self-esteem from my ability to help other people. I mean it’s a relief if you’re able to when somebody really needed it (I don’t want to be driving down the road and just happen to see my mom stranded on the shoulder because her car broke down and I just keep driving. That’s cold). However, I DO NOT like constantly being “needed”. Not everything is an emergency, dagnabbit. You can make some changes to prevent some of those “emergencies”. Internal locus of control. What I need to learn is what to do when people badger you if you don’t do ___. That’s the problem I keep encountering. The counterforce is strong and I don’t have any clue what to do when somebody is doing any and everything to drive me to the actions and behaviors they want out of me. And yes, I say no and tell the other person exactly how I feel, try to compromise, etc etc. Only thing I can think of to make them stop doing it is magic. Petunia Durseley shouted at Harry Potter to go cook the bacon and Harry waved his wand. Petunia stopped shouting, went to the kitchen and cooked it herself, and Harry went back to sleep.🤷🏽‍♀️Everybody lived happily and got along just fine.

Thanks. Always struggled balancing relationships and everything else and I agree with your perspective. Hope to find more awesome ideas from u!

I hear it all the time, just love yourself. How? Nobody tells you HOW to love yourself or what that even means. Do I? Don’t I? How do I start to love myself? How will I know when I love myself? I got tired of hearing it when a relationship would end, so I took a year off from dating to see if I love myself. That was 22 years ago, I still haven’t dated anyone.

omg so good and true...!!!

Thank you. I found this video really helpful. I've always felt so unsure about getting in a relationship. Recently, I discovered my core wound and I'm looking to develop relationships with people more. I've just been stopping myself because I'm not sure if I'm 'ready'. Hearing this really gave me some clarity. It helped me feel more sure of myself in wanting to develop relationships. Thank you again

Happened to catch this video to help someone else, the background noise, then saw your note at the end lol too funny....

Best video I’ve come across!

Thank you so much Alan, this really describes me

This is so amazing!I'm so glad I found u!!!bless u!I am so lost.just beginning to find myself.u r a true angel!!!