Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup

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Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

8 жыл бұрын

Hello. Thanks for checking out my KZfaq channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup
In this video, I talk about how grief from endings can get exaggerated and/or hijacked by a pre-existing history of attachment trauma. It can magnify our pain and bring unresolved childhood grief to the surface.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup

Пікірлер: 1 000

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma 3 жыл бұрын

Hello Subscribers:

@bellakrinkle9381 7 жыл бұрын

Being rejected by a lover is excruciatingly painful; I remember these feelings well - after each relationship...even after 3-7 months, even. This last one - several years long was different. I was OK and knew it was a dead end. Now I can see that each of those rejections reminded me unconsciously of my unconscious memories of feeling emotionally rejected by my mother...who was unable to bond with her entire family. Life is hard for so many of us. Relationships typically will fail until we get the childhood story connected to this adult relationship. At least this was my experience. Best to everyone here. Remember rejection is very similar to abandonment.

@leasah1197 6 жыл бұрын

My stomach feels like it's on a constant huge knot.

@johnf6267 2 жыл бұрын

I was never at ease a single day in my relationship, knew in my gut and my common sense it was a mismatch. And yet, after three not so hot years, it ended and I still feel pain. And yes, I’ve had the abandonment thing since forever.

@Vanessa-qv6kt 5 жыл бұрын

Everything was surreal while we were dating. I have been single most of my life. Being with him was a shock. Now I'm single again it's like I've gone back to normal and he was just a dream. I do get pain in my chest from sadness. So much regret.

@Meli-ul9zt 4 жыл бұрын

What sucks is you can't really even talk to people about it. Either you go on for ages and it' s exhausting for the person or you tell them and they try to be supportive by saying things like oh that is really hard but you will find someone better eventually or you're better off without them. Even if that will be true one day that's not helpful rn. I lost the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, it's been 5 months and some days I still feel like i can't breathe. But it just feels like you can't say that people.

@angelicat270 5 жыл бұрын

You totally get me. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. Then at times I wanted to die. Not sleeping and not eating for days. I only ate enough to not pass out. I lost 5 pounds in a week. As I knew the relationship was ending, right before we were going to get a house together, I felt worse and worse each day. I wish I had seen these videos years ago and I would have saved myself a lot of grief and him as well. All I can do is say I am sorry to him and ask God to forgive me for choices and my behavior. I know that the trauma isn't my fault but as an adult I have to accept responsibility.

@Jo-vn3hi 3 жыл бұрын

I have CPTSD - got disorganised attachment as well. I'm apprehensive about opening up my heart to others but when it's safe and I do, I love completely. Doesn't matter how long I'm with the person - the rejection is triggering. It opens up all my old wounds. The grief is overblown. The heartache is excruciating. Anyone else who is the same - time heals all and cut the person out. You are 100% with or without anyone. ❤️Our need for love is to fill the void from childhood - but this love is something we can only give to ourselves.

@2legit2Kwit 7 жыл бұрын

"Now is not the time to do your taxes". Lol. Love it.

@charlottebruce979 4 жыл бұрын

I think breaks up are much easier to handle when you are young. When you are nearly 43 and feeling old and crap then that's really shitty. I'd love to get married to a sane, normal man with a job he loves who can do D.I.Y I'd make a lovely wife.

@n-o-i-d 5 жыл бұрын

I think everything in life has a 'price', and in case of relationships, it's this horrible feeling when a meaningful one ends. I don't know about others but I came to the conclusion that it's not worth it for me anymore, I'd rather spend all my energy and time on improving myself, my finances, achieving my goals and maxing out my potential, without even seeking social validation from anyone. I just want to enjoy life, and that's the path I choose. It's a blissful, liberating feeling. (23 year old male)

@PieterFret 4 жыл бұрын

Constant anxiety, fear, panic attacks that make me want to jump out of my own body and run as far away from myself as possible. Denial, bargaining, blaming myself for everything that went wrong in the relationship, thinking of scenarios in which it could still work out, wanting to reach out, refusing to believe that it's over. Lying awake at night to the point of not wanting to go to bed anymore, dreaming about her, waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep again. Drinking and smoking to alleviate the stress. Constantly feeling tired. Not getting any work done. Spending all day watching KZfaq videos about getting an ex back. Neglecting my own physical well-being, not eating or drinking enough, ordering junk food late at night, not being able to do simple chores because they all seem meaningless. Not being interested in any other topic than my ex. Hating myself for being this way.

@emmatonge2436 3 жыл бұрын

My heart isn’t broken, he shattered my entire soul....

@awolfadventureawildconnect5311 4 жыл бұрын

Worse than when someone dies. You can mourn and grieve someone dying but it's actually harder to grieve someone still alive knowing they are out there and you can't be with them again. :'( fkn torture sheer torture. I'm a pin cushion

@christinamb37 7 жыл бұрын

This absolutely describes where I was 3 years ago. Spot on.. a level 10 for sure. I wish I encountered this then, but I got through. I'm thankful that I know all this now and that I am working on my attachment injury from that occurrence and beyond. I'm also filled with gratitude that I am no longer there and that immediate space of shock and horror. I'm grateful to be able to share my experience with others to help them, to have learned so much about myself from the breakup that I had and the chance to heal, be different, to be healthier, to be free, to have choices from self-destructive behavior and thinking, for awareness, self love, and so much more. Love to all who are experiencing this pain now and my deepest empathy.

@nyssa1049 7 жыл бұрын

Not many grief advice videos talk much about those first few days or weeks, and how traumatic it can be. So much of it is just platitudes. But you've described it so well, and your understanding and advice has been genuinely helpful. Thank you.

@user-or1ye3iz6d 5 жыл бұрын

It was so hard to hear you say "It's OVER". But, now I realize I have to keep telling that to myself so I can move past denial. I am writing a note that says "It's OVER" and putting it somewhere I keep seeing it. Thank you.

@booklovercatlady2991 5 жыл бұрын

I felt and got every single word from this video Alan. After 47 years (since a baby) of rejection to have my 11 year marriage end and him just walk away (He is a fearful avoidant) like it meant nothing is causing such real, incredible pain. I put everything in over and over again. I wasn't even getting my needs met, not even basically but still I hoped for that change and yes since breakup I have bounced back with the "has he changed? will it be different this time" and of course I am left in floods of tears, backwards again. So now I have gone no contact. Cut every link. I have to. I am a big fan of your videos, helping me get through. My heart and prayers go out too for every single person watching this video too that is hurting like hell. This too will pass I keep telling myself.

@denisejaydub 5 жыл бұрын

I’ve watched hundreds of videos in the last 2 weeks since the break up and not one has resonated with me as much as this one. My father - who was my best friend in life - left my family when I was 11 years old. Subsequently my mom went into a state of depression for several years and left me essentially alone to rear myself. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still single from being in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship... not understanding why I’m drawn to those who will abandon me- yet it’s what I fear the most. Something about this last relationship that has really sent me in a tailspin.

@wolfsonlofts 7 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much Alan. I am hurting so bad I want to throw up. You are an amazing KZfaq friend. God is using you in my life, you have an uncanny sense of timing in my life. You always seem to post exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it.