I sit next to someone who has social anxiety and I have social anxiety. We are the only two people sitting in our department and let me tell you the silence in the room is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Without another person filling the void him and I will spend 8 hours a day next to each other with only "good morning" and "have a good night" be our only interactions. The funniest part, we have the same birthday.

"Don't carry the whole conversation" as someone who is socially anxious this really great advice. i always always always forget that i don't need to say more than a few simple words. This eases the pressure. IDK why i think that i need to talk a lot.

I don't speak that much but I'm really improving now. I feel like my opinion isn't needed, and it used to be that I'd only speak to raise a factual point and never my own opinion. Now I've made the conclusion that people are less comfortable around me because they don't know what I think, and thus while people rarely dislike me, they also feel like I don't see them as a friend or similar. Now I've began just blurting things out, and sometimes I say the wrong things and it makes me really want to just speak only in facts again, but looking back now I feel much closer to the people I call friends, and they are much more willing to invite me because they know now that I enjoy spending time with them and I do pay attention to what they say and what they do. I'm not completely there yet, but I think just taking the hit, saying things of no value to a conversation, actually do have value because when people know where my headspace is, they don't have to assume how I feel about them which is almost always positive, but other people usually assume it's negative or at the very least indifferent which is still not a mood that will make you want to invite that person. Update: I didn't intend to edit this comment at all but it seems to be pretty active recently and the replies are all very positive. I wouldn't say I'm "normal" when it comes to social interaction, but I'm a whole lot better at it and a whole lot more confident. A side effect of speaking more is that a lot of people think I'm autistic, and honestly I agree with them. If I do indeed have autism then it makes a lot of sense why I struggled so much with speaking "normally" and thus tried to avoid it altogether. I'm getting invited more frequently to outings, and I even had a relationship for a while. I don't agree with the typical "just be yourself" advice because I wouldn't say I'm any more or less of "myself" but I'm certainly a version of myself that others can be more comfortable around and once they understand that side of me I can then be as reserved as I once was and they can accept that side of me too. Some people still see me as weird, possibly weirder than I would've been had I said nothing, but those people never would've been my close friends so it's a worthwhile tradeoff. Hopefully if you're in a similar situation you can figure out your own solution. There's no easy way to explain what I'm doing differently so it might not be as easy as reading a KZfaq comment but no matter how long you've felt this way, if you never stop trying to improve your life then things will get better. If you give up they'll only stay as they are.

I started my exposure therapy by saying hi to whomever I encountered in the hallway of my apartment building. It was terrifying at first because I was one of those people who'd wait until the hallway was empty before I emerged from my apartment. Now it's almost effortless, and I can socialize in a variety of other ways too :)

I love how Dr.K goes all caveman like and starts scribbeling on the wall showing fellow tribe members a simplification of what he is trying to communicate.

My mom used to pick my brother, my sister and me up after school. While driving she asked us how our day was, but when I wanted to speak up I always got shut down with "let your older brother talk, you can tell me about it later". When my brother finished talking I had already forgotten what the exiting news where or got lost in a daydream. My father was always late a work, I only saw him when he tucked us kids into bed. I always asked questions like "what came first, the hen or the egg" I remember laying in bed and thinking about what I was going to ask him tonight. One day he stopped saying good night. I was pretty good in class and volunteered to answer their questions, but after a while I started to notice teachers rather asked someone who didn't volunteered. So I stopped volunteering, and teachers still didn't call my name to let me speak. There were days I didn't say a single word in class. I felt ignored at home and wanted to fill that lack of attention by being the best at school to get the attention of my teachers. Sorry about my rambling, I wanted to write those memorys down. If you are reading this, have a nice day!

The worst is attempting to speak more and being met by nothing but awkward silence. I kinda feel like relapsing back into silence cause talking always brings up the possibility of conflict or rejection.

Just throwing this out there because I know I’m not the only one, growing up on 4chan and Reddit gave me a lifelong fear of being cringe that turned my natural quiet nature into intense social anxiety. I was terrified of being judged or especially being annoying. It took me years to realize, then more years to work through.

It's not that I'm scared people will think I'm stupid or anything but I don't speak up about anything because I just have no life experiences or anything to talk about, it's quite literally impossible for small talk to happen

I notice it is usually much easier to initiate interaction with people, when you keep it sort of... out of focus. Not the main goal or task, but as something on the side while you're busy building something or working on something. Especially if it's a group activity. I guess after all, there really is something to those 'silly' team building exercises, or building clay volcanos or some papier maché hats in a group as ice breakers.🤔

Since I was quite literally conditioned to “only speak when spoken to” by every adult figure in my childhood, I’m not really surprised by how I act.

At the beginning of my previous semester, a professor had us get into little groups in a Discord channel in the first session of his class. Everyone basically joined a random channel, and i just disabled my anxiety-ridden brain for a second and joined a channel where a guy had an anime profile pic (might as well take that as an indicator to try). From our inital conversations i quickly realized that he shared basically the exact same interests as me, down to quite a niche level. Since the class was entirely online, i never actually met him (still haven't), and only got to interact with him briefly once a week. When the final test of the class closed in, i mustered up the courage to suggest that we could prepare for it together (since the professor also explicitly said that the test could be completed in a group). In the following weeks, we prepared for the test and he suggested we should hang out together online in the future. In the past ~2 months, i started regularly hanging out with him and his group of pals on their Discord server and we hang out together and play games until the early hours basically every day now (it's between semesters rn). Our interests are basically identical, i can earnestly talk about things with him that i thought i would never be able to with anyone ever, for hours on end. It's almost like meeting a lost twin, brother or soulmate. Maybe this is hyperbole, but i honestly never had as much hope as i have now. This is the first time in my life that i opened up, triumphed over my instinct to curl into a ball - and i have had the world opened up to me. I always considered myself exceedingly unlucky, miserable, inept, useless and hopeless. But this one time in my life, i was unbelievably lucky. I have to honestly thank that professor one day; from the get go he had as form groups and gave us the unexpected option to also write the test in that group. I had the luck to join the right Discord channel, with the right people in it, only guided by a literal anime profile pic. I can't even imagine where i would be at now if i had not attended the online class introduction that day, not joined that specific channel, and not reignited contact later that semester. It's like i finally bumped into a friend that lived his whole life beside me, unnoticed. I honestly expected to just waste away and eventually wither, but now i finally have something i can look forward to. In a few days i will return to the city i study at (my first 3 semesters were basically purely digital) and we already plan to hang out in our free time. There's so many things i want to do, to catch up on years and years of youth that didn't happen and of which i thought they never would. I'm rambling on, but one last thing: Please, please have hope. When i first watched videos on this channel, i was in a miserable limbo between a wasted youth and a future without prospects, but now - by grabbing the one chance i got and running with it - i belive i might have my "college debut" yet, and kickstart a proper life. Defeat resignation and hesistation in that one critical moment - and triumph. Alles wird gut.

"We know if we don't talk to anyone, like sure we're gonna be kinda miserable, but at least we'll be safe." (5:42) That was just worded so perfectly, it's exactly what goes on in my mind.

One issue I used to deal with a lot back when I had bad anxiety was the notion of consistency in personality. Especially when meeting new people one day I would build-up the courage to introduce myself and we will talk but the next day I would feel more and more anxious and would feel like I would I have to keep that up

On top of never speaking lol, I have trouble ever actually seeing anyone as a friend. I made like 4 “friends” last semester in a lab class and we still talk often. Found out one of them lives in my building and we talk every day. Even signed up for similar classes for the fall. But I just have this overhead feeling that eventually it’ll all come to an end. I’ve never had any “bad” friendship experiences but I assume this every single time. So much so that I may even start acting in ways or saying things to expedite the end of it. And it gives me a sort of safety self satisfaction? Like “yeah, I knew it. I was right”. And then the loneliness continues. But as you said, im miserable, but im safe. So it doens’t matter. And after watching this I gather that it’s probably because I haven’t had many friendship experiences in general so the longer things go on, the less certain I am of an outcome so my brain is naturally looking for “the end”. Even though friendship is usually an allegedly infinite thing.

I guess the lesson is that you don't "break out" of your comfort zone, you expand it

Damn this hits home. I recently went to a book release convention for my favorite author. I'm surrounded by people with similar interest and could probably have had some amazing discussions and met cool people...except I didn't speak to anyone unless they commented on what I was wearing. The event was a great experience, but as usual I left it just feeling lonely. I really do have a problem where, if I know I should be the one to engage with someone, I just feel like I'm bothering them. It's a vicious cycle.

This guy is amazing. I know it's his job to do this, but he truly cares. Thank you for the inspiration and helping me believe in myself, Dr. K!

I feel this a lot. For most of my life I was always criticized/made fun of for what I said. Ive tried to be more sociable but I usually end up getting patronized or ignored. Always left out in family gatherings always left out in social events, I always assume people dont want to hear me talk, so now I just dont say anything unless someone asks me something. I cant even participate in family discussions during dinner, because they always assumed I didnt want to talk. Thats not the truth, I WANT to talk but Ik I wont be taken as seriously for it. I WANT to be included, I WANT do normal human things, I dunno if its anxiety or depression or something but I sort of expect to not attain these things.

Well before i became ~15 years old i tried to be sociable and talk with people, but nobody was interested in what im saying and always interrupted my talk. Always. So at first i stopped talking - because nobody was respect my talk - and i thought my taciturnity will make situations when im speak more valuable. Well, i was really wrong So at end i just quit talking with people that dont respect me - and basically became a man without any company. At all, i was talking almost with nobody. And i tried, but couldn't became part of any other group of people Now i dont know how to speak in groups of people, how to find these groups, how to behave around people And im lonely.

if I’ve been silent for too long, I feel like it’s too late to talk and I just accept the ‘quiet’ label. It’s a vicious cycle

My log: *Monday* Me: “Hey how are you?” Them: “Good, and you?” *Tuesday* Anxiety, skipped *Wednesday* Me: “How’re the sandwiches?” Them: “this…this is a lecture hall…” *Thursday* Me: Voice cracks “I THINK ILL HAVE SALAD” Them: “Are you..do you need help?” *Friday* Me: “Hey Vanessa I was wondering what your name was we’ve been talking all week” Them: “How do you know my name?” *Friday Night* Me: “My fish was undercooked but it’s ok” The Cops: “what?” I’ll post more when I’m out guys, so far so good

This is exactly what I started to do in my teens to learn how to be more "normal" and "interesting" to talk to. I definitely started off with some sort of planned scripts that I overthought every night but then slowly things started coming more naturally as I learnt how people usually react to certain things I say, and I used those experiences to find even more "options in the script". Then at some point I started to genuinely like having random, short conversations with strangers just for the sake of connecting with another person for a moment. It really helps you feel like you're part of society. Also, the thing that helped me most was to realise that I could just start conversations to amuse myself. Not to connect to a specific person, not to befriend someone, but just to pass the time. Loooots of people like that, especially older folk and people bored at work. And if someone doesn't respond, they clearly don't like to pass time in the same way as me, and that's ok. Sometimes somebody else nearby starts talking with me instead. I still just say random shit that comes to mind to amuse myself and maybe make someone else laugh, which makes me feel good too. So, it really does get better and easier with each small interaction. Excellent video, thanks man!

So I'm sitting through this video going "pretty easy, I do this a lot" (just saying hi or saying thank you to a cashier seems like common courtesy) then he says "tell the waiter when you don't like your meal" and I swear that phrase alone sparked some sort of fight-or-flight in me because my heart rate IMMEDIATELY shot up

I like how the chat is gone. Brings more peace to the screen and less distraction.

I don’t struggle with initiating conversation with people, I just don’t know how to structure my sentences sometimes. I really struggle with articulation like… explaining myself lol

“It’s not a comfort zone it’s a safety zone” I guess that makes sense or I’d feel comfortable not saying anything… I feel safe but I don’t feel comfortable!

wish i had seen this ten years ago. gets so much harder to meet new people when you're an adult

Totally agree with the mind holding on to bad experiences. 5 years ago I was in New York city and I got a stomach flu. I ate a banana before I started throwing up and I still gag almost everytime I eat a banana. I feel like school does the same thing to people in social situations. You get laughed at or bullied you eventually start to think people are just gonna be dicks in the real world.

Just reading the title here lol. It's actually pretty common for neurodivergent people to not do something unless they're told to or being asked directly to do so, especially since our executive function doesn't let us know what we're supposed to do. However, with people I know personally is much easier to know their pattern/preference so I can just ask them this, this and that because they're interested in this but with people I barely know my mind just goes into "where dafuq do i even start", it turns into small talks and then it annoys me haha

BRO YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THIS VIDEO IS HELPING ME I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITHTHIS ISSUE ALL MY LIFE! Im Turing 19 next year and with the pandemic stuff and my introvert ass has not been socially active for 2 years which makes me even more socially awkward thanks to this I'mma start to apply the knowledge I got in this video to improve myself thank you

The hypothetical scenario where the waiter and the person at the bus stop and the person in the class all meet at the party and talk about you was not only hilarious, but an amazing illustration of the ridiculousness of your minds fear mongering. I needed to hear that. ❤

I used to never know what to say in social settings, I realized I never really paid that much attention to people, what they were saying, and what I received about them. As soon as I stopped giving my thoughts so much attention, my curiosity about people and my ability to bounce off of them skyrocketed. It’s like meditation but instead of observing your own thoughts and feelings you’re observing others

I just wanted to leave an idea for the restaurant issue: I went to a Vietnamese restaurant once, not having a clue about the dishes. Luckily, I knew what I wanted (duck + rice), but not what to order. So I asked the waiter which one of the dishes was hot and salty. He showed me, I thanked him and ordered. Maybe somebody can make use of this.

I approach social interaction as playing tennis, if someone plays decent tennis I engage more often with them. If they on the other hand are shitty at tennis and don’t know how to play accordingly I engage with them less often since it creates a lot of frustration and stress

"You Don’t Speak Unless You Are Spoken To" I do that naturally since I don't ever have anything to say to people. I mean, I think a lot I have stuff on my mind I just think they don't care or they don't want to listen. That's why I talk alot more with friends or family since they're someone who actually cares about me so I can just casually speak with them unlike strangers.

Damn I wish dr K existed when I was younger. A lot of the stuff he says I had to figure out on my own (and I still can't express it as eloquently as he can ofc). But as a millenial nearing his 30s, I can vouch that you should listen to what this man has to say

i needed this, thank you. i am going out with a girl i really really like and was kinda nervous but, the more i interact with people, i realize the best option for conversation is always just being yourself and asking and talking about the things that i actually like to engage with, instead of just trying to find the “right way “ to approach someone. also, i realized that if people want you in there life, you will know. so just let it all flow stop trying to be ten steps ahead on a conversation and just stay in the now. be more reactive and listen to what they want to communicate , instead of just trying to map out a conversation. love your videos doc

This is literally what I went through a few months ago after being isolated homeschooled for 2 years of my highschool life. My 3rd year I decided to give school a try and I had the exact same problem. It’s my junior year, I’m the new kid and everyone there has been friends since kindergarten. I had the exact same experience as the guy on Reddit. I lasted 3 months until I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to homeschooling. I’ve been isolated at home being homeschooled on a website ever since and it’s already the end of my junior year. I’m really unhealthy and have a bad sleep schedule bc of my easy introverted life. So my junior year went by so fast I didn’t even notice it was May. My parents might force me to go to a real school for my last year of highschool so this is a huge help. Having this video randomly on my recommended is so convenient for me I was shocked by how similar my situation is with this Reddit person and got the help I didn’t know I needed from this content creator that btw I’ve never watched before. I’ve only seen him talk to XQC that one time. But thank you HealthyGamerGG and thank you KZfaq algorithm. I wasn’t gonna comment on this video but HealthyGamerGG’s advice has impacted me so much that I just felt like sharing my story out there. I have hope it won’t be the same like last time and try these steps to prevent how anxious and depressed I felt before. Wish me luck on my senior year!!

I was cackling through this whole video because it’s so true 😂 my social anxiety makes me think the worst and then I feel the need to plan everything out. It’s a lot easier once you take that first step

I received great advice from somebody about this kind of thing. He was an ex-con who flipped his life around at we worked together at Home Depot. I went to him for advice on this and all he did was rephrase the “just be yourself, put yourself out there” and he said to me, “talk to people like you know them.” I have never received better advice in my life

I don't speak at all unless someone talks to me first. I sit alone in class and I can feel everyone stare at me whenever I walk in. I know they dislike me and it's too late for me to change cause it's already been a year since I joined this school. It would be weird if I suddenly spoke to everyone.

I have the same problem, but I find that my protective thoughts are right close to 100% of the time. I end up being ridiculed and alienated by the people I try to interact with. So the idea that I am a bother to people is valid. I appreciate these videos and I want to change myself, thank you for the content.

the best advice i ever got that i still hear in my self consciousness is- “not every first interaction has to be perfect” the context she later explained was that i shouldnt waste time in being what we what to think we are, everything is always changing anyways. you* cant waste the time we have right now on what we all waste time on later on. now it’s when you can do something so do something and start small

I have the exact opposite problem. I'm usually pretty chatty once I warm up to social situations, but then I always feel like a moron because I talked way too much.

I’m a very introverted person. Ever since quarantine, making conversation and hoping it goes fine would be a train wreck of an idea since I’ve developed a sort of social anxiety and awkardness. I’ve socially isolated from even my closest of friends. A year in quarantine I haven’t really connected with society since school has been online and all that. When physical school came, I struggled with talking, I was scared of my image, and the results of things I would say. I realized I needed to take a 180 of where I was going, to stop being the quiet shy kid and express myself how I want to be seen. Being social is a necessary life skill anyways. I made effort to talk and I got a little more used to saying stuff from my mind without giving much of a second thought. Made a couple friends, made school a less boring experience and just grateful I could do these things. I have much to learn and I’m far from my goals but I need to stay optimistic. You don’t know if you never try, don’t be scared of being out there because most of the time the only person judging you is yourself!

Wow I was just thinking this today. I’m always afraid of coming off corny when I speak so I tend to just not speak.

There's no reason to talk/speak purely for the sake of it. If there's nothing worth saying, then there isn't a reason to say something. If there is something worth saying, then say something. Silence is just as valuable as conversation. The only problem comes from a person not being able to initiate conversation or respond when they want to speak. That is to say, wanting to do something but being unable to do it is completely different than not wanting to do something but able to if that want changes. I think a lot of people honestly need to spend more time thinking and listening than talking; those are valuable communication skills.

i love that this channel exists. Even with some of the situations I don't necessarily struggle with, as an example this video ( I do struggle a tiny bit to make friends and to initiate conversation but i've started uni and have a couple of people I sit with ), it shows how are minds are all different. Your videos have helped me alot. Thank you Dr. K 😁😇

I've never felt so so insulted yet perfectly understood by a video title. All of the worst case scenarios concocted by the brain as a result of initiating a conversation cited by Dr. K are spot on. It's scary how despite the jarringly obvious irrationality of these fears, especially when said out loud like in this video, I can't seem to possibly surmount the invisible barrier and allow myself to wallow in the tentalizing green grass on the other side. The asking price simply breaks the mental bank for me.

I usually don’t speak up first because I genuinely dislike conversation, I find it very boring most of the time. I spend 95% of my day concentrating intensely on something, usually talking to people is the least of my concerns. It should also be noted that I don’t often feel lonely, so I don’t suffer from the desire to socialize with others more than an hour a day.

I'm so guilty of trying to carry whole conversations on my own. I am really, REALLY socially anxious, but I also hate myself enough to throw myself into terrifying situations sometimes just to challenge myself, and hope that maybe with more experience I get desensitized to it, and with time I became pretty good at coming up with something, anything to talk about to escape the horror of awkward silence. But what happens is I end up just going through my mental flowchart and playing the conversation simulator. I really need to work on just remembering that there are at least two people involved in the interaction and if the interaction doesn't go well it's not necessarily purely my fault. It takes two to make a cringy conversation. We're in this nighmare together, lol.

This hits close to home. As someone with a speech disorder, getting bullied and mocked for it has definitely became a bigger hurdle for me to randomly talk to people. I always thought high school was where it'll stop, but going into university and still getting mocked by a handful of people was tough. Of course not everyone are like that, and I do have people I still regard as friends since they understood what I'm going through. But as Dr. K said, that couple of negative experiences alone was enough to scar me that I went through 4 years of university only talking to my close friends. Though during my final year I decided to try to greet some of my coursemates when I met them in the hallway or waiting outside of class and then they started to open up to me as well. That final year was the most memorable for me and now I always try my best to just smile and say hi to people when we crossed path.

This is scary accurate, Dr, it does really feel like you're inside my head, you have successfully been able to predict every single thought that goes through my mind whenever I'm socialzing

I have recently come to the realization that for my nearly my whole life, that I can remember, I have been hiding from the people around me. I had assumed for a long time that i enjoyed hiding because of idea that I knew i could get away with it but I can see now that what I was really looking forward to was being found out by others. I wanted other people to be the ones to reach out to me because I struggled with reaching out to them and so I felt like i was only ever so close with other people. I can remember all the times in middle school where i imagined if something happened to me how would the people I know react? Even if I never wanted to do anything about those feelings I can see why they came from this experience of being lonely even when around others. So where I'm at now is that if all this time I've been playing hide and seek then I need to let others know what game I am playing first because of course I'd "win" if I was the only one who knew what the rules are or that there was even a game being played in the first place.

To everyone struggling with this like me, here's something that's super easy to do and has helped me sooo much. Make a new discord account, random name, random picture and start joining random servers with active voice chats. Use something like voicemeeter if needed to make you sound louder(I was extreemly queit at first due to anxiety) or change the pitch of your voice. Join voice chat, yell something random or say something stupid, Once your anxiety kicks in, just leave and make a new account. At first it literally took me half an hour to get enough courage to click on the voice channel, and twice as much to say a word. Now I don't even think about it, and can definitely feel the difference when I interact with people on the outside. I guess it sort of just conditions you to not care as much?

You don't speak unless you're spoken to because when you do speak you just get disrespected and put down.

Most of the time it's okay for me to start a conversation or say hi and chat a bit, but what I'm unable to do is form a friendship out of that. I'm okay with making small talk, but I struggle to hold or continue conversations. I don't know what to talk about, especially when I find this person super cool and I'm really intimidated by them. I then become awkward and behave in a way I would never do otherwise. I'm completely masking my personality. I also often feel like we're not compatible. Sometimes, I don't even think we'd have a great time together. I just want to be part of the social circle. I want to engage with them cause I see people having fun together at work and getting along well. I have no idea if it's self-sabotage or if I actually don't 'work out' with many people. My therapist said I might be hypersensitive, at the clinic they said I have an avoidant-insecure personality disorder. It's so confusing.

The biggest thing that's helped me let go from this and social resistance I feel with being myself in public is this idea; You are so focused on yourself that you only percieve what interacts with you, it's like you have a bubble of isolation around you. If that's true for you then it's likely true for others which means that everyone has a limited perception of those around them. Which in turn means that despite everyone having a clear understanding and judgment of others they have a limited perception of the room and an even more limited perception of strangers and people doing their own thing. I'm a watcher in social settings - i like to chill and observe which puts me in the non-interactive category most of the time. I'm content with this but if im not and want to engage with someone then I understand that they or others are not going to really be paying attention to me and what I'm doing because they're so focused on themselves so i can free myself of the resistance because there isnt any until they get to know me personally and at that point Im already comfortable enough to be myself around them.

When I saw the title of this video it really spoke to the issues I’m facing socially. I often feel as though I have nothing valuable to say which keeps me silent. I realise that this is a problem with filtering myself but it’s super difficult to break the habit

As someone whose on the other side of this and started out as a super anxious person who couldn't speak without a stutter, this is basically how I did it. Just keep going forward even if you feels like your progress is going at negative 10 percent everytime you have an interaction. You'll be surprised how much you actually progress in a year. Thinking back will always give you confidence and motivation to keep going on.

That's one of the things I learned and what I tell people who are worried about big zoom meetings; "don't worry too much of others judging how you look on your camera; the rest of us are usually too worried about how we look on our own cameras"

It’s important to remember the comedic aspect of your social anxiety. It’s really hilarious

Man I've been living with this since middle school, most friends I made were because they talked to me first. It's was kind of funny to hear someone mention all my specific thoughts of how much I'll inconvenience people because I feel like I'm the only one that thinks like this.

Putting yourself put there seems so hard when youve been hit with the "Nobody asked" multiple times. Any time i put myself in a conversation trying to be part of the group i get that. Obviously not any time but enough times that im scared to join a conversation with people

My issue with this sort of thing is that I have zero problems with benign social interaction. But as soon as there are stakes involved - if I stand to benefit in some way by having a positive exchange (job interview, romantic intent, etc) - that's where I falter and shut down.

One of the tricks I've gotten comfortable with to build confidence is to just say silly or random shit in response to events, as opposed to just people. It becomes a lot easier to speak to people when you've built that comfort on a general scale amongst a group. Plus, it sets a certain tone for other people to pretty much show them what you're about and build familiarity on their end while also letting you gauge their reactions to know who's 'safe' to talk to. There's also the biggest factor that I don't really have to do anything after the initial moment, since I'm not addressing anyone directly.

I feel that working in retail causes this issue by proxy. Any thoughts on this matter? I have worked as a cashier for the last ten years, now I do so under a cannabis dispensary. But interactions are still transactionary, one-sided, and draining of My empathy. I can have dozens of people venting about their bad day or week as they buy weed. This is random and needless to mention but I am Hispanic with a name that is not common. Many people refuse to learn it, acknowledge Me or even get to know Me unless they need something in My experience. I legitimately feel like an NPC who helps people with weed. Yay

As someone who has a very hard time making it to a therapist, I often have to figure things out on my own. Most problems I face, it's not a problem of me not knowing how to fix it, it's a problem of not knowing where to start to be able to fix it. HealthyGamerGG's channel has already enriched my life so much with videos like this, because they always help me figure out a good starting point that I can work from. Doctor K is the GOAT.

Since my parent were 36 when I was born, I was always surrounded by "old people" growing up and there is no way in hell I would start conversations, but that made a great listener and thought me when to chime in or change subjects. People have told me many times that is great having me around because I dont need to talk 24/7 😅 and I found myself being friends with all kinds of people because I'm not the center of attention, but im the glue.

Bro. How does Dr K keep dropping videos that are so relevant to what is going on in my life. Like spot on. Just had a situation where I should have talked to this women at a party that was friends with a couple of my friends..had multiple opportunities to say hi and I chickened out. Definitely frustrated with my self. Hopefully this video helps!

I feel like I am in a weird situation. Im pretty introverted, but not socially awkward, but I don't engage in any sort of social interraction unless it comes to me. I never ask anyone how they are doing, I never ask anyone anything about themselves and when I do, it's forced to make me seem interested. I did not know I did this till recently. Home situation has changed my mom encourages me to to "be more polite" and talk more, be more social, if not just at home, show that I care about them and people. Thing is, I can't. I try to make her understand that none of what I do is concious. Im not refraining from saying hello, or asking about your day, I just did not think about it. She tells me I can learn, and if it just start doing it I will keep doing it. I will not act like I care just to make others feel good. I do try to be extra polite at work and she asks why I can't do the same at home or in social situations, and frankly, I can't say why.

If we're all approaching strangers all the time in public, how come nobody has ever come to me and struck up a conversation?

People saying “don’t speak unless you’re spoken to” has always been so silly to me, because if both people go by those rules, how can friendships ever be formed?

19:58 The irony is that they did this exact behaviour in the way they wrote the Reddit post; that "This is more than a vent than anything" added on the end kind of makes it sound like they don't care if Dr K responds but in reality they articulated a problem they're having and on some level know that this is exactly what he's there to do. So they're already starting the process in a way, hopefully means it won't be too long before they're social engagement level reaches a point that is satisfying and fulfilling. Bless.

I dont speak much and have no issues engaging in small talks but i usually dont bother. For people similar to me, they will usually respond with the basic reply and its hard for me to bother continuing the conversation. The small talks are usually just greetings and asking about how they are doing. Never much about their personal life. For those outgoing people, my mind will just go blank since i dont have alot of interesting thing to say after awhile. So things just end awkwardly somewhere in the middle of conversation unless the person is the one leading the conversation. This is why i dont bother making small talks. Another issue i face is that i dont initiative text conservation with my classmates. No one bother texting me first. So those friends i talked to in class are not really close and we dont do anything other than talk about work and small stuff during class but none of it online or after class. I never did end up texting them after many years.

The title of this video peaked my curiousity. By coincidence, I am an outlier case of the topic of this video. I spent my highschool and college years wondering when the romantic/sexual aspect of life would start for me. Was I just waiting for something to happen, yes. But I had the one issue for which there litterally does not exist an active step to take. I didn't lack a love life because lacked confidence to talk to women I was attracted to. Actually maybe I do have insufficient confidence to take such an action. I really don't know because I have never experienced romantic or sexual attraction toward any person of either gender. Based on what I had been told my whole, I believed that the sex drive and desire for human pair bonding awakens within everyone at some point. At 23 it finally occured to me that maybe those drive would never awaken within me. After a bit of introspection, I realized that I was waiting for those things because I was told they would. Did I actually care about these things, no. I am now 37. I still have never been attracted to anyone and have zero desire to have a girlfriend. Over the years there have been a few women with whom I have greatly enjoyed their company. But I have never had the slightest desire for anything more. Strangely, I never encountered the term "asexual" until I was 31. reproductive peogrammed evolutionary and survival drives behind procreation I assumed that I would inevitably begin feeling sexual desire and want a

Tbh, I've found that talking to people online helped me talk to people irl. But like, not some random strangers, but rather class discords or uni org discords. Especially because you'll usually meet up for study sessions or event meetups, so you end up putting a face to the username and then you have the opportunity to talk outside of discord and make real connections with the bridges you've built online

Ive been doing sooo well lately. My anxiety has been so crippling for about 10 or so years that id drive to the store and end up driving back in without getting out of the car at all. But ive improved so much in the last few months! It began hard to do normal adult things. I still think about saying things that I never say in a conversation, but im getting so much better. Having to talk doing my new work from home job has played a part in it

I consider myself an outspoken person (introspective but at the same time outspoken). I hate people that only "answer" you and don't actually talk to you, with those people I avoid to talk to, but by trial and error I eventually come to meet people that are more open to talk just like I am. And I prefer meeting both good and bad people then not meeting nobody by just waiting to talk to people that talk to me.

Honestly I broke through this hurdle after I did MDMA for the first time. I'm not recommending anyone seek out illicit substances, especially ones that carry a risk of permanent harm that are sourced through the black market that might not even be what you expect it to be. That said, the compound taught me that like it's okay to be openly friendly to everybody and that everything is alright even if someone doesn't respond to social advances. When/if psychoactive compound assisted psychotherapy ever becomes widespread I think it could help a lot of people. Edit: I also, after that experience, started putting myself in social situations I did not want to go to just to get more experience with social interaction. Did I want to go to freshman meet and greets? Hell no. Did I go and try to talk to as many as possible? Yes. It only took 20 minutes of pacing back and forth in my apartment to convince myself to go first. Doing this for a while definitely made me much more comfortable in new situations and whatnot. It only sucked in the beginning until I got used to it.

Dr. K it’s been about 3 years now I’ve used your content, thanks for sharing your wisdoms. I sincerely love you for that!

a good progression in order to talk to people would just be to say 'goodmorning' to someone, then over the course of a couple of days layer that goodmorning with a 'how are you?' or 'how's it going'. Because you've already spoken to them before, so it's a naturally progression

Ive struggled with this alot. I like how you compare the hump to activation energy. For some of us it takes alot more energy than others. But breaking down the components that go into the fear makes it alot easier to tackle. Im going to try some of these, thanks!

I find that I am confident enough to speak to just about anyone, but I rarely have anything to say. My mind either drifts off or over-analyzes the situation in an attempt to find something to say, but it rarely comes naturally during organic conversation.

I don't think people will see this but this is really the video/info that has helped me out the most, Dr k Thank you

It took me 6 years to get comfortable commenting on youtube. I was overly anxious to do so before. And its an anonymous comment and i dont actually have to reply.

I got all riled up listening to this, because i felt understood but misrepresented by this clearly compassionate and competent man. Provocative antagony isn't too visible in comment sections of videos like this, so here goes self therapy or depending on your disposition mental gymnastcs: So because of my inner churned-ness i scanned for contradictions and inconsistencies in this video / my hard earned perspective. Filling in nightmare scenarios, etc. checks out... but as someone on the introvert spectrum, who ACTUALLY DID all these research, exposure thingies in my teens and twenties EVEN in danger of "faking it 'til i made it" AND pursued networking AND pursued a carrer that would automatically make me engage with people AND i WOULD. BECOME. SOCIAL. Viewing this... something was bothering me. It was something about the absolutely smooth, natural, glossing-like acceptance of the premise: "we want social interactions". not to discredit that, but can we please not NOT speak about how we are in this machine in which we are encouraged, no... ENCOURAGED to put it euphemistically lightly, to pursue more and more social interactions? I feel like i have a major tendency to not speak to others unless spoken to and blamed myself for decades for my apparently absolute "crime" of introversion. Honestly: do you NOT see how it is a borderline dehumanised condition "the hermit". Like... yeah, it has some romanticization behind it but it is miniscule compared to the amount of comments that casually adress it as "not even living" "that's not even a life worth living". Those are apparently acceptable things to say ... no... even encouraged... no... ACTUALLY SORTA MANDATORY, let's be honest. And if i were to judge ONLY by this video, i would transparently see this implicit expectation -an expectation SO GIGANTIC, that it needn't even be adressed- "humans are social animals" Ok... but i'm kinda on the hermit spectrum. So, yeah... i feel called out and PARTIALLY identified...and maybe i'm being defensive OR maybe i'm actually defending something, -time will tell- but... what if...hear me out WHAT IF... this person just like me back then... was only under the impression... of being defeatist in their initiative. WHAT IF... they are inadvertantly succumbing to defeatism by actually following this selfperpetuating trend. I wish i could emphasize the following way more, but hear me out... \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Have you EVER ONCE heard anyone discuss, no... even MENTION the point of "enough" extroversion, once? Just once? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Why does the concept of infinite growth deserve criticism in the stock market but not as a concept in social disposition? Well, because extrovertism has the same histrionic gut reaction to adversity and challenge as introvertism, mentioned in this very video. "So what if they are both products fear and of the strife for safety?" Right. The only difference is, that between "oneness" and "multipleness" one of them has an easier time establishing a propaganda machine. Think about it. Do you actually draw empoweredness from putting yourself out there? Again, i don't know all of, or even a very significant chunk of Dr.K's body of work. I don't have the mental strength for a therapy session that long (besides my own) For me at least, cutting out more and more people ended up very healthy (Yeah, even good people) Eliminated the need for drug use, all the good stuff. Then there's another thing: i mentioned myself being on the introvert (end on the) spectrum. So if i AM socialising SOME, why do i even identify with the person requesting help? And getting this defensive? Well, i feel 95% disturbed, when my 95% disposition is being 95% attacked. Not explicitely mind you, but come on. Am i being uncheritable? Sooo... let's for a moment ignore the "hightened agency" and the "social usefulness" angle... "maybe, just MAYBE for some people a massive, disproportionate crapton percantage of introvertism IS the more correct answer"? ..................At what POINT ............are you "allowed" to switch your view. Spoiler alert: "no." ................. or under our current implications-framework more like "lol, screw you" Stop me when i'm wrong. Do i actually feel wrong about this? Or from the narcissist angle: what if it isn't about my self image? what if i just refuse to see, that most of the time, most of the people annoy me.? Or let's go back to the number's game: here's a good one: at what point am i not even an introvert anymore? Of course, the logical extreme of what i'm defending is unacceptable, like vanishing cooperation, maybe alienation etc would break down everything we know, but as a (hopefully USEFULLY contrarian) compulsive pioneer i like to see this adressed. I don't like throwing around the word "opression" all willy nilly, but...well... Another implication of "oneness" vs "manyness" is the ability to do different stuff, like travel and all that jazz. What if those mentioned 1% bad experiences ACTUALLY sour the 80% neutral, 9% misc., and 10% positive experiences? I don't know about you but most activities don't occupy my memory completely, so even as i'm trying to "do flashy, worthwhile stuff" my brain still has 90% real estate 90% of the time. And it uses it to relive past experiences, good or bad. Mostly bad, right? The nightmare filling? So yeah. I think that's where his math was off. Way off. Waaaaaaaaaay (you get the point) And again: Doing flashy stuff is considered an expression of agency, right? Synonymous even. Well, what if my expression of agency was exactly the opposite. Those are all these subtle connections, that i feel remain unexplored, because of this MASSIVE bias that needn't even be spoken has that insane grip and disguises a power-motivation as a truth-motivation. As so many other things do. /psychotic rant

The most unfair fight is the one with yourself as you know precisely what to say and do to get yourself down. You don't need to take your internal bully so seriously all of the time. Be well everyone and thanks for the video.

Well, my father is the kind of person who tells me to just be confident and to put myself out there... and also he is the one who played a huge part in making me socially anxious. Of course he would be outraged for me saying that. But the fact is, that we have nothing in common and he is really harsh about that. He calls my interests stupid, my opinions irrelevant, my arguments illogical and he did this all my life. I try to avoid interacting with him as much as I can. Even when he asks me how my day was and I start to go into detail, I can see on his face that he doesn't really care ot he might even say things like "could you make it a little faster and get to the point?" He always told me to don't be afraid to ask questions to people when I don't understand something but whenever I asked him about things he was always irritated by them because it's evident to him so how is it that I can't understand? I even mentioned this to him once that he has a big part in my anxiety, but he just refuses to acknowledge that and keeps saying that let's stop with this stupid talk.

Loved this video, i think it describes the anxiety I experienced throughout middleschool/highschool/college. I never went to lunch throughout school, i would instead sit alone on the bathroom floor until i heard the bell to avoid contact with my peers lol. I don’t know why but at some point in my young adult life, my anxiety seriously dwindled to where now I’m rarely anxious, and when i am its not as intense as it was growing up. Is it that as I developed and experienced more my brain became more accepting of whatever hypothetical scenarios my anxious brain was creating? Is it physiological and brain simply matured more and more? More than likely its a mix of the two, but I’ve often caught myself reflecting on my younger self and wondering how I’ve come so far and feel as though my crippling anxiety is cured? Seriously loved this video

I’m not sure if this is a good thing, but I’ve learned that occasionally drinking with friends in social settings relaxes my social anxiety, letting me talk to anyone I want generally. And recently, this has actually really helped my confidence during all other times, because I’ve already seen how fun and enjoyable I can be when I make an effort to be out there

I think I'm going to challenge myself a bit on this one. I have never had an issue interacting with people or saying hello to strangers. But adding "how are you today?" afterwards puts another layer to it. Might be weird, but sometimes I think it could make someone's day.

I think I needed to watch this video right when it came out since it was right around the time we went back to on campus learning at uni. Since highschool I've been like this, avoiding initiating talk, and just staying quiet. I think I developed a fear of being judged and of talking because of my previous bad experience in school, since I felt and was always laughed at. I also always felt like I was behind mentally and that I was always being made fun of for not knowing or understanding things. So when highschool came around and suddenly everyone around me changed, I just couldn't get myself to talk, I did get asked things a little initially but after the first few weeks I just didn't talk to anyone and no one talked back to me. And it kept up like this, but I did try to talk to a few people but it didn't work out in the end, I felt like I was cringy and that no one wanted to hear anything I had to say, and on top of that one of my teachers, who realized something was wrong with me, told me I was like a coat hanged on one of the coat hangers and that my presence didn't add anything. That just shattered anything that I had left on my mind, any idea or expectation of trying to befriend somebody. So I just stopped caring, tried to at least do good in math and science, but ended up doing only good in math so my hopes for getting into the degree I wanted shattered too. But thankfully the pandemic came around right as I was reaching a tipping point due to frustration. Than in the summer I got accepted at a relatively ok uni in the field that I wanted to get into. So at least one thing turned out ok and I'm doing relatively ok now in my last semester, but there's only 7 weeks left, so there's no time left for me to even try and befriend someone. Maybe I could try to get rid of the bad thoughts that keep telling me I'm a loser, after all I don't think there's many people who're in a good situation like me, getting a degree in the tech field and therefore good job opportunities while only paying for rent and one semester, which relatively speaking isn't a lot, only 400 euros, compared to the us or even some other countries here in europe.

when I try to talk casually to people I dont already have an established relationship with, my mind goes blank. when I do have somethig to say, others rarely show much interest to the point Im often interrupted by them or they allow the conversation to shift to someone else when rhat someone else interrupts. its like, *OKAY I GET IT* I'll just shut up then

I REALLY needed this - saving it to re-watch, as I'm sure I'll need a refresher/reminder more than once. I have a hard time initiating conversations even with close friends... Even with them, I always feel like I don't have anything interesting to say or any interesting experiences to share so I usually just sit in the group and let others talk rather than bring anything up.

This would have been so great to hear when I was in grade school. I hope this video helps a lot of people. I eventually learned shouldn't try to carry a whole conversation by myself (among other things), and the realization really helped me feel more comfortable in situations that I used to feel extremely awkward in, but it took a long time for me to figure it out myself.

I used to have this issue but I got fed up of being lonely all the time and started talking with more people, and honestly I can say that nothing has changed, before I'd just not talk with people fearing I'd bother them, now I just talk with people and they either are assholes so I don't wanna talk with them anymore or they are really nice but they just never text me unless I talk to them first which makes me feel unappreciated, and also it's usually impossible to go out with these people since they are apparently always busy. I started thinking it was a me problem but all my friends say they love hanging out with me and I'm great, you could say I've been unlucky and I've only met assholes whenever I've tried to meet new people but this is been going on for years, granted I do feel like I was very pushy and tried to carry the conversation by myself a couple years ago, now I just try to talk with people and if they don't do their part I just let them chill I don't really mind, but it still feels really bad how much effort I have to put in to try and make friends, specifically when people are interested in being friends with me but they put no effort whatsoever, like they don't text me and they don't try to go out with me, they reply and they are really nice and we vibe when they do reply but it stays there, it's usually impossible for me to get closer to people and it's impossible to go out with them. And before anyone says it, I do give people space and time, I really don't think it's a me problem anymore. And no this is not a bad experience with a person or 2, this is been the exact same experience with around 10-15 different people

i've always been kind of anxious since the day i was born but it got worse at one point. i devoloped selective mutism at 6th grade when i changed schools. From 6th grade through to the end of high school, i'd only communicate with hand gestures or by writing down on a paper, or sometimes on my desk. Even when i wasn't feeling super anxious i still couldn't speak up. The closest thing i could do to speaking is when my teacher asked something, i could give very short one or two word answers by whispering and that was about it. Not to mention that i was severly bullied. That set me back years of sociliazing and now not only am i an anxious wreck, i also have terrible social skills, so much so that if you saw me in real life, you could easily assume that i am on the autism spectrum. This year, my university has started and even though i've overcome my selective mutism with no professoinal help, i am still anxious and close to mute. i can speak when it is absolutely necessary but i have not even said a single sentence that composed of more than 10 words to a classmate since my uni started. i don't know how to fix this. it's like something is internally broken in me and there's no cure for it. i feel numb and depressed all the time. There's a urge in me that pushes me to socialize with others but i can never satisfy that desire. i can't relate to anyone. i have no one that i can call my friend. Every day is a struggle and i'm trying to find comfort in other things to distract myself from the fact that i am still the same loser that i've always been. i'm deprived of human touch and connection. i've never even held hands with a girl before. i went to a psychiatrist and she gave me two meds plus put me on CBT therapy. i didn't want to take meds and quickly dropped the therapy as i didn't receive much benefit from it. it's true that i feel worthless most of the time, but my sense of worthlesness is not based on delusion. i know myself, i know i suffer from social anxiety. i am not a 100% functional human being and it's true. this is more of a rant than anything else. sorry for typos and mistakes english isn't my first language.

Dr. K is right about carrying conversations by yourself. Don't annoy yourself or others by forcing interaction onto another person. They may even have the same struggle you do. If you have a good interaction thats great, but move on if things stay icey. I heard something about leaving a conversation "gracefully." When you leave on a high note without over extending your welcome by exhausting every single topic of conversation, extending goodbyes, and graces; it makes the other person feel like they are respected for their time and will cherish the shorter yet more impactful interaction. Even if they are a less outgoing person: leaving on that high note will make it so that they will actually want to interact with you more or at least feel comfortable with future interactions with you. It's like leaving things to talk about for the next time you get together.