"You will never get over the person if you can't separate them from the dream." That is such sharp insight. I will carry that with me, and I will also use it to help my friends!

You're so right! It wasn't the guy so much that I missed and mourned. He was just... ok. It was the dream of a better future together. So instead of sharing that dream with him, I'm building it for myself. That has helped me move on.

I think it also messes with your brain chemistry. The highs from the rush of dopamine and other happy chemicals that gets released when they’re being loving and sweet becomes addictive. So when that gets taken away from us suddenly we are crushed and longing for those moments of highs, and need that person like it’s a drug. Then we become stuck trying to make sense of what happened and if it was real? Etc etc. A few ways I found helpful to cope is to remember that everyone is living their lives for themselves, and we’ve all broken someone’s heart unintentionally. or found a better option that is more compatible… if what makes someone happy makes you sad, then they’re not your person. now you can acknowledge what is and move accordingly. stay positive and give yourself time to heal from the pain.. just don’t let suffering become a habit.

I love how you put it bluntly “you are mad that you didn’t win “ so true

Why do we continue to create a fantasy about where they guy is now? We assume he's happy. For all we know he periodically leaves his ex for another woman. He was no catch. You deserve better. Don't give up.

"separate yourself from the dream. it's the dream you love, not the person" this is so true for us heartbroken men as well.

Life demands we are resilient there’s no other option

you are so right about wanting to win. its a major kick to the ego when you are left! will try to remind myself about the seperation of dream and person. it really is difficult :/

Thank you Susan. You always make me feel better.

You have to allow yourself to be happy and not limit yourself. Stay focused on loving yourself and all the amazing people around you, like your friends, family, and even strangers you meet and have good conversations with. Learn to say yes when friends ask you to hang out with them or go out. Do what you love, and if you don't already have a passion that's okay. Just try some new things. Maybe there is something that interests you, but you haven't tried before. Just be open and also allow yourself to fail (a lot). You will evolve and you will find happiness.

"It's the dream you love and not the guy... It took me ages to figure out." It has also taken me AGES to figure this out too... I wish I had this video 5 years ago. BUT.. maybe it's more complex than that. The lightbulb finally turned on and it's a great, albeit tough, learning experience. Thank you for your words. PS... I have a teddy bear pom, and they are just THE best companions! Cheers Susan!

1. What happened was 'unfair' he is happy you are not how do you resolve this and make it right? 2. How do you trust yourself again after making the wrong choice? 3 how do you trust men again after being taken advantage of? 4 how do you present yourself as a 'catch' after being dumped for someone else? 5 how do you feel happy on your own? 1. Do your best to create your own fate by taking action and getting out there looking good. 2. Go back to basics and really hone in on the real qualities you need in a man with an emphasis on character and compatibility 3 do better vetting and know you will survive and thrive no matter what. 4 Have an ethos that values experience and consider yourself more powerful tender and desirable for your experiences. Love yourself for your strength vulnerability and humaness. 5. This takes time. Try to enjoy it

It sounds to me if the guy needed comfort, and the new girl was used as his rebound...He was building dreams in the wrong head too... because of his own ego boost. These types (men and women) are energy vampires and suck you dry before their "goodbye".

You were happy before your ex, you’ll be happy after them as well. The reason why you feel this way, you had one chip. That chip tasted so good, now you want the whole bag. Keep the hope alive, you’ll fall in love again

You loved the dream not the guy. Thanks Susan, needed to hear that😊

Your videos are life saver for me! When I start idealizing my ex, who hurted me so much, I watch again some of your videos and get back to reality! Thank you

The infatuation ended and reality set in.

Its almost scary how much you know its like your describing my life right to me. Things I have never told anyone and I bet you could figure it out right away. Thanks Susan! The amount of help you have given me in the past few months, I don’t know where i would be without it.

That was dirty. He knew he had her in the wings. Karma will get him girl

What I absolutely love about your content is how you not only provide amazing advice but always validate that person's feelings!

After listening to a lot of PUA coaching which never made much sense to me. I love the wisdom you're imparting for people like me who seek a partner for a healthy relationship. Thanks Susan!

I think it’s a normal reaction to blame oneself for the crappy way others tend to hurt another; leaving the responsibility of cowardliness upon the victim. Fortunately, only will the victim realize this through time spent on rebuilding their self worth and toss it to the curb as a learning lesson that there are people who are just inconsiderate human beings.

Another gem from you Susan. Yes, we get so attached to the "dreams" that we start so much of expectations from so wrong person and this is the root cause of all our sufferings...a vicious circle of pain...the more we want to forget...the more we think of them...the more we think the more we sink!

I truly must say..... You're the best relationship advice channel I've found on KZfaq TO DATE. Everyone else just tries to sell sessions you give it all. I appreciate your care for everyone's struggles. I can only imagine how much you've gone thru yourself, wish I could have a glass of wine with you!!! 🙂

That event in our lives that transform us and we think "What was I thinking?" For sure the writer of the topic really liked the guy because moving on was hard for her I understand it's hard but it shouldn't be as hard as before, right? In a way, we now have an "anchor" where to get some form of strength and go back to being stable on our own. Go and grab that anchor again. Been single for 6 months now. I still think of the situation that me and my ex had. Yesterday I realized that I keep thinking about our past situation not because I still feel something but because I am being entertained that we had a human experience, the getting along and going apart. It's a mixed emotion really. Combination of, glad I'm done, what now, wondering how ex is now and quickly stop it because it's none of my business and many other things. Find your core again, do the things you genuinely enjoy, relax your mind. Sure it's not calm everyday but find your balance. There's no other way.

FOr me it happens very gradually a little happier here and a little happier there. Someday maybe 100 percent. Not there yet after 4 years! But it’s a lot better

congrats ! on 50K Susan u deserve more

For me it's more about losing myself in that relationship. Spend a few years together, making the same friends, being in the same toxic environment. So when everythings end, u lose the 'friends'(good or bad ones) due to the toxic situation , u wasted the years, u r older n tired by the screwed up and now it's hard to go back happilly single.

Love you Susan. You're not just so beautiful but classy and wise. This World is lucky to have you. Someone like you is rare. Thank you for all your awesome videos. 💜

Wow, Susan. I almost thought it was my letter that you read because this is very similar to my situation except that the guy didn't call me out, he was apologetic about leaving which made it harder for me to see him as the bad guy. "It's the dream you love, not the guy." That's something I have to remind myself every time I think I lost something I love. I always always learn and realize something from your videos. Thanks for making them, you're the sister/BFF every girl should have.

Yes, grieving the lost dream is part of it and also the outraged ego too, but I also miss him and everything he brought to my daily life. He was fun and sweet and affectionate...I miss sharing my life with him. I've heard you say on another video that the sadness isn't from missing the person. It definitely is a large part of it and I think it's odd to state otherwise.

Oh god I needed to hear this today... Your words opened the floodgates, so many tears... from now understanding what's held me back and hearing what I now need to do... Thank you Susan, you're the best at what you do 💜

Its such a struggle for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We both didn't want anything serious, but I fell for him hard. IN my 25/26 years of living, I've never dated a guy I've felt so strongly about. It is my first real heart break. Felt like my first true connection and I've always been a free spirit when it came to relationships. When he was 22, married someone 8 years older, he moved to another continent for her, he also felt like he had nothing back home so he took the chance. They were pressured to marry because they thought it was the only way to be together. 2 years later he felt no love there, he spent 3 more years trying to see if it would work until he couldn't bare it anymore. He hated living here, hes from a small village in Europe so moving to a major city, not knowing the language at first with no friends and family put him into a bit of depression the first few years. Since I met him, I knew his end goal was to go back home. 1 month ago, he admitted he cheated on me, said he didn't know why. I told him I loved him, he told me that he did too, he even said we had a better connection that him and his ex-wife, and said he would do everything he can to get him to trust him again. We talked about building a life together. Then 2 weeks ago, his closest friend/neighbor moved to another city, that convinced him that there was more opportunity there. I knew he wanted to go so I said we can go. But eventually he told me he had to do it on his own. He didn't want something serious right now, he just was so focused on career, saving money, etc. He told me that he didn't love me, and possibly said those words because he wanted to believe it. He told me that I should also take this time to work on my career goals too. This breaks my heart. Since we met, he kept saying he wants to keep in touch when he leaves, and that maybe one day "I'll be living with him." He wants to keep our friendship, and plan future road trips because we both share a love of road-trips/travel and hiking. Now the end is coming. :'(

OH!! My goodness this really resonated, thank you so much Susan and to the person who asked xxx

4:50 Yes, that part!

Hi Susan - I've been listening to this again and you nailed it. I met someone and there was a connection - I saw things in him I really wanted in a partner and off I went trotting down the road BUT, it turned out he only had a few things I'm looking for and the major things are missing. Now it all makes sense. Thanks!

I’m going through this exact same thing. I know he’s not happy with his ex and I miss him but Susan is absolutely right, I missed what could’ve been. The dream vs the individual. This really helps.

This is so empowering. Thank you so much ✨💕

Susan I’ve been watching a lot of your videos the past few days because my obsession and loss of self had got to bad heights. This particular video hit me like a ton of bricks and I know what i have to do it’s so hard to admit it. I’m 32 going on 33 February 13th and my story is just like the ones that wrote letters to you a couple months so perfect and amazing. Then it stops. Thank you for your videos I take a lot from them and you are awesome bye

That sounds very selfish and rude on his part that he used her just to get over his ex! And then when she came back to him he decides to go back with her instead of the new person that he’s with.

Why do I want my defective ex? Because we really did love each other and we had so much fun at the beginning, and no one else interests me or is hitting on me. It's like when I was a teenager with no money and I was thrilled when I got my piece of junk car. It was so much better than being without a car. I know something better is coming but I'm currently alone and miserable so of course I want the peace and love and happiness I had with him.

You are the most motivational coach to me! When I am feeling sucked back into a cycle of heartbreak, I watch your videos.Your energy radiates and you've given me so much perspective. Its helped me immensely. Thank you Susan for sharing your treasures of wisdom.

Hi Susan, I suppose I'm a self confessed dreamer and yes I got caught up in the dream of love and fulfilment in a relationship. You're incredibly good at finding the truth after a spark of a dream. I'll have to repeat over and over again that it was probably the dream that I really miss ,however when we meet someone we really connect with, its a special feeling which we call love and it hurts when it's taken away from us. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful videos.

I Don’t subscribe to anyone! But Susan you are definitely Heaven sent, I can’t thank you enough... I’m glad I found you🙌🏽💐Thank You

Ooh, I LOVE thinking of him as something defective for me-why would you want a defective part? Nice! Thanks

Dear Susan, first let me say I’ve been loving your videos! Now for my question. I have been with my husband for 35 years, married for 28 years, I was with him since I was 15 years old. He’s all I know and the only man I’ve ever loved. He recently left, six days after my youngest child left for college. I am having an extremely hard time letting go of what I thought my future was going to look like. I really don’t think it is him as an individual that I miss (he was drinking a lot and partying with friends often) but rather what I thought my future was supposed to be. I truly wanted the man that I spent the rest of my life with to also be father of my children and I am having a hard time letting that go. I am now a single 51 year old woman who has really never dated.....Scary!!

I made the mistake of trying to care for someone who does not care back. I did so much for him; money, vacations, gifts, flowers, etc. The list goes on and I was emotionally available. But he never reciprocated in any way or even tried. I just felt used and rejected. I learned how to pull away from someone like that by distancing myself, not calling or visiting and learning not to care. He is the type to have a new boyfriend all the time anyway and he sleeps around. Maybe it's for the best this happened. I'm just hurt because he pulled me in with his superficial charm. By going radio silent, I hope this will get better. The anger, depression,, and self-esteem will hopefully get better in time.

No..THANK YOU! I am so glad I found your channel. You are a Godsend! Love all your advice. Keep doing what you're doing. You have helped me more than you could ever imagined. Your services are much needed and appreciated. What you are sharing with us all is invaluable! So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart .❤️

You deserve much more subscribers ❤️

Thankyou Susan for your honesty,, not only are beautiful on the outside, but your inner beauty comes shining through,, Thankyou for saying it how it really is , your sincerity to help people comes shining through,, Godbless you. 🙏💖🌺🦋

I knew it from the start. I knew, it’s just obsession, no more, it’s my dream, but I chosen to fell in love and forgot all of this. I hope, this time, I will get back to myself and cut him off. Wish me good luck!

I agree with you that it was about the dream. I met a girl and she was fitting everything i always wanted for a girlfriend. But months later she showed her true colors and i invested so much in her i am devastated and having trouble moving on.

Wow! Susan, this message it’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you! I’m glad someone else did it, because I really didn’t know how to ask it! I totally feel the same way as this lady! I wonder if I could ever be happy again, like when I was by myself! I enjoyed life, friends, nature to the fullest before! Now, I feel like all that has been snuffed. You see, I blocked my ex from my social media. It’s been almost a month, and I still feel like I died inside. I am 64 and he’s 60. When he met me, he thought I was much younger. He actually thought I was in my early forties! Yes, I do look very youthful, dress well, workout, take care of me, and I am very energetic and likes to have fun all the time. I live in Las Vegas, and there’s always something going on with my friends and I! He lives in Florida. I know distance didn’t help our relationship. We met in November, 2016. So, it’s been two years. You know, when I met him through a group of friends that got together, he had a crush on me right off the bat, but I did not feel the same. In fact, I was not attracted to him at all. I thought that he was a nice man, but that was it! Well, months later, after we started communicating via FB and telephone calls. After finding out more about him and his qualities, I started developing more serious feelings for him. Months later, we developed a more intimate relationship over the phone. We both felt great. We were both on cloud nine. He was always the one that texted me first, and when the tables turned, and I was the one texting him first, he changed, and sometimes he would take a long time to respond. I think that after he found out he had me, he backed off. So I got tired of him playing me like if I was a doll just waiting for him. I’m an Aries, I have a limit for bullshit from people using me. He’s also very wealthy, and I’m not. So could that be the problem? or could it be the age difference? (since he thought I was much younger) or, do you think that he thinks I’m after his money? Please let me know what you think, because I still hope that he comes back to find me. He was supposed to come out to see me a couple of times, but he never would come through with the plans. He would tell me excuses after excuses. That could had been true, since he’s a busy business man, that travels quite frequently. Also, he has an ex that he told me that he divorced about six years ago, due to her cheating on him in his own bed. So, that could be very traumatic. They have three kids together, ages 18 through 21. I don’t know if he actually reconciled with his ex, or is he just afraid to get hurt again. I know he was very attracted to me, and I believe he still is. He told me that we have so much in common, and that I have everything he is looking for in a woman. What should I do. Please help....

You are an angel sent from the Heavens 😇. You have helped heal me more than you know . Thank you so very much !!!!!

Yes, I was single and happy for years. Busy with my two daughters,school and job. I blame myself for so many mistakes I did during this relationship. It was horrible time when after 18 months seeing each other we decided to live together and it was my idea. When we started living together In 2/2020 Covid came, I lost my job, I was crazy busy and stressed getting ready for my medical national certificate. Each time we argued he said “I have enough of you, I’m leaving you ASAP (when lease expired). He left to Florida I’m on LI. During four months he called me maybe four times. Sometimes sent short message, Happy Mother’s Day. Happy birthday. He came back for summer from Florida three weeks ago, not saying ‘hi’. I texted him last night saying ‘I miss you’ , I expect the same answer, after that we talked and he said that he has a girlfriend in Florida but he wants be be friend and he invited me to spend a day at the beach with him. In the morning he called saying that it is it good idea to spend day alone. I think that he has a weakness to me, and I think that it could end on sex. I wrote back that I’m not accepting his friendship, I’m not used to meet attached men… and bless his new relationship and I wish him well. He wasn’t that good guy but we have tons of great memories. He still keeps our pictures on FB saying that I was part of his life. When we lived together after one disgusting arguing I moved my bad to the living room. And I was like that for long months. Of course we had sex. He said something very rude and not apologizing me he left for camping for a week. I was ok for first three months when he left. Last month I missed him more and more. Now I feel devastated, I can’t sleep, eat and function. I hate this feelings. I would change my behavior if we only could be together again ( it will never happen , it’s ended) just to have fun together. I can’t escape of my killing me feelings.

The dream and the guy seem to be so intertwined...ugh attachment wounds. Good reminders tho....thanks Susan!

I’m sorry. This is a horrible feeling. I recently had the same exact thing happen. 😕 it will get better, unfortunately they weren’t the right one.

Your words are phenomenal! They pick me up from rock bottom. It’s like magic.

You ALWAYS say what I need to hear.

The fact that what you miss is the dream or the start of the dream rather than the person took me by surprise. It’s so crazy how changing your perspective can help. Thank you, Susan :)

Thank you Susan for somehow helping me at the right time. I really need to hear this to keep me sane. Thank you. ❤️

3:13 - 3:25 she is telling the story of my life, literally!!

Your videos help me go back to reality. Thanks!

Thank You Susan for your videos. You have saved my life 🙏

Namaste, Love from India.

5 years later and I'm traumatized I trust no one

This is all I needed to hear

I just wanna,be over it.

Its so interesting you mention this nugget of truth in this video, Ive heard you say it before.. Its the snapshot of a dream a glimpse forward that even for a second you had when you met or got to know this person.. that you miss. Its true.. its not the relationship ( its the dream) .. I absolutely loved your analogy about the defective toy.. on the conveyor belt. I sure never saw it that way before. I know as I have come out the other side after a year of the missing the person ( mindset)... and that wasn't it at all.. I missed the dream> I have found it again by getting on the horse yet again.. keep on sharing your wisdom, you are amazing with your analogies. Very good stuff.

I LOVED this episode!! ♡♡♡

Your brilliant Susan. You have no idea how you've helped me!

Hi Susan, thanks. I have a question. Kindly respond: People who want to love us, we don't find them attractive; those who we find attractive aren't interested. Why does this happen? Is something wrong with me? Kindly help.

Just watching all videos even though I'm in a happy relationship. So interesting and super insightful, love you Susan! 🎄

Thank you Susan..... I’ve been watching your videos and I ve learned a lot. I felt relieved and stronger

The stuff you're saying at the 3 min. mark is probably because sometimes people don't shop for someone to be with in the same way that they shop for items at the store. Yeah, sometimes people are sidelined or get in another lane and start going a different direction or different speed, etc.

You are truly a treasure, Susan.

She is so wiseeeeeee

So many things resonated with me and applied to my situation. Thank you.

wow this is powerful and sooo applying to me... thank you so much Susan you are very wise.

Thank you ms. Susan. You help me a lot to stay sane in my journey to find love 💙

Dear Susan and Ann, thank you thank you thank you so much for this!

Wow this really hit home! Thank you ❤️

You’re amazing thank you Susan!!

Oh the timing!

I love you Susan! Liked and Subscribed! Please keep uploading ❤️

I love your wisdom Susan. Thank you for sharing it with your viewers. ❤

I needed to look at this video again...and the 3:18 mark is where I am now in a sense. There was a woman who was very into me several months ago. She got me awakened but went in another direction because I was going too slowly for her. By the time I decided that I was open to giving things a try she had already started dating another guy - but this is the crazy part: during the entire time that she was seeing him, she was still expressing an interest in me and wishing that we could be together. We stayed friends, but I would still hold on to hope that she would let me follow-through on giving things a try. She told me that she did not get the romantic vibe from me and she also went into other details on the reasons why I was put in the friend zone. Now she is engaged to be married. Well, there goes the 1% chance of seeing IF we could ever give things a try. But now I just had an idea that I think might work. There were a few issues that this woman brought up as 'roadblocks' to us moving forward. 1. I'm into my music (I'm a deejay) 2. I'm in school. 3. A 2-hour driving distance between us (she wished that I lived closer so that we could date). 4.Other social obligations. She told me that she felt as though I would not have time for a girlfriend because I was so busy - not that any of these things were 'bad', but just as an observation. These are important to me and they make me happy so I can use these roadblocks and "drive around them", and get back to doing those things that I was always doing before I met this woman. I can also admit to myself that I am upset because I did not 'win'. I knew in my heart that I would make an outstanding boyfriend and I never got the chance to show her. I also see what you mean about separating the 'dream' from the person - a few weeks ago I had a dream that a beautiful woman kissed me. I'm going to get back to being happily single...and wait for the 'next woman' to kiss me!

you are an amazing woman, Susan. This is so true.

Thank you, as always, Susan 🙏🏼💛

Yes welcome back and good luck to you susan.

Helped me lot thanks ❤️

Susan, thank you very much for all the advice. You are a genius!

You are amazing "it's the dream not the person" is so helpful. Thank you for an amazing Chanel xx

Thank you so much for this video...it opened my eyes

This is sooooo true. I’m 46 and I finally get it. Ty❤️

Thanks for this one! Now im not lost

He always told me that he "doesn't lose" and had to win....I should have known he would win this situation as well. Hurting someone is not a game I want to win though..

Thank you so much. This helped me quite a bit.

Awesome advice as usual Susan!!!😀

perfect timing as always ❤