I think most of the comments section has missed the point. This isn't an attack on masculinity, it's an attack on the the masculine culture of ridiculing those who men who "care" or show sadness. He's not saying being a man turns you in to a criminal, he's not even saying that the sometimes toxic culture turns you in to a criminal. He's saying that due to this culture of big boys don't cry, he never felt he could express the trauma he experienced, talk to anyone about it, know how to deal with it. So it lead to him expressing his feelings in patterns which negatively inpacted on the people around him, and it was this that lead him down the path he followed. He may well have been a criminal anyway, he may not have been, we can't know this, neither can he and he didn't assert otherwise. What he's proposing is that maybe some criminals took the paths they chose due to this building of masks, hiding "weakness" and the inherant negative impact it would take on their ability to effectively display and deal with emotion. He's also proposing that being a man isn't bottling all these feelings inside, isn't being brave by not displaying vulnerability, it's about being willing to bare yourself, being brave BY being vulnerable. Afterall, this is a man who has talked about men not being able to express their feelings around other men without being ridiculed; and that is exactly what you some of you have done.

I admire this man, for the struggles that he's been through in his life and the willingness to seek the truth, to face those struggles, look them in the eyes, acknowledge them and come out of those dark holes being so awaked.

This is one of the best TED talks ever given. The fact that so few people are able to truly understand the profoundness of this talk is a testament that it is way ahead of it's time from where many peoples thinking is, and that is sad, because men suffer because of this.

This level of vulnerability is so powerful and necessary. Thank you for having the courage to use your voice to elevate. Much respect.

His speech is powerful and I fully appreciate that he listed many helpful ways to help us all transform (practicing vulnerability, questioning beliefs, connecting with others...). He is sharing his own story and speaking for his own being and growth. He is talking about how his own previous toxic beliefs and what he grew up having to deal with affected his life. Once I started questioning my own beliefs, I realized many, if not all, of them stem from when I was a child, which makes sense to me that they have stemmed from that long ago. I fully believe that we continue to be, act and speak like confused children in the parts of our lives that we have yet to develop a practice on. ..Anyway, it was a great start to my day to watch this ✨ I hope you're all taking good care 🙏

This isn't toxic masculinity, it's just plain toxic and it was delivered to me as a girl growing up by men but mostly women. I think this whole idea of battling toxic behavior is better served without the second word. It's in everyone and it comes from various places and types of people and focusing on only so-called masculine toxicity isn't even half of it and it's a disservice to those who suffered from this stuff that were not men and didn't get it from men. That being said, treating each other in toxic manners is VERY MUCH a real issue and I believe it will only change if we look into ourselves and make our own changes to ourselves. None of us are perfect or free of toxic behavior, we should be aware of this, why, and how it works so we can overcome it.

It takes courage to say the things you have said. Regardless of how it is received, Im amazed by your honesty. Thank you for showing courage. I needed it. Tc, Jackson.

Great message. If you want your children to grow up happy no matter gender you need to teach them through example how to cope with the human experience. If you cope with alcohol they will cope with alcohol. If you cope with anger and violence they will cope with anger and violence. However if you teach them through example and encouragement that you can outlet your emotions in a healthy way either through talking, calming down, writing, or using the tear ducts that were installed for a reason or any other healthy outlet instead of keeping it inside your kids will handle life way better. If you ask them questions that encourages to build that type of vocabulary you can lower outbursts because one of the biggest reason for child tantrums is when they are frustrated that they can't communicate what is going on or don't feel heard or understood. And with that, if a child gets asked questions regarding empathy you strengthen those neuro pathways in their brain to be better at putting themselves in others shoes. If you also take the time to ask how they feel about something without judgement tone, then hear what they try to mean with the words they have available they will build the trust to come talk to you much easier in the age where you wish they would talk to you, because you become someone where they feel heard. You can also reinforce through explaining the logic behind your decisions because if something makes sense you can get a way better willingness so you need to nag less. Kids mirror how you talk with them so if you have them feel heard, respected as a person, and you show how to be polite they will return that to you and will meet others that way too. If you mostly bark orders it's likely how they will act at the playground, if you take out your temper on them they will likely do that to siblings and other kids. What you model and teach will predict their adult life quite a bit, like what kind of partner, parent and employee they will be. This includes if you value or don't value their emotional life and teach them how to be emotionally healthy. Suppression of emotion has no healthy outcome. The body knows how to heal all wounds, even emotional ones but only if you let it and deal with it in a healthy way. Ask yourself, is what I'm doing helpful or harmful? You need to teach yourself before you can teach somebody else what healthy habits actually is. Especially emotional because poor emotional hygiene has poor physical effects.

This man spoke so eloquently and thoughtfully, this is one of my favorite TedTalks so far.

Thank you Eldra for your willingness to show up and be part of the solution; "eradication of this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink in men can heal our prison system, society, familes and communities

Many commenters seem think this is about _them_. This is a story about Eldra who ended up in an environment where "masculinity" had a very different meaning than it has for most of us. And that environment made it "toxic". That environment promotes actions that are considered 'bad behavior' (agree) I applaud the fact that he shares his story as I think it can help some to think about their behavior. Do they do what they do because they really want to or because it's expected behavior in their 'toxic environment'?

Thank you Eldra, I have so much respect for you.

The only problem with this video is that it is given from the perspective of an inmate - who, God bless his Soul, has the strength to speak about this. Most men, and I’m only speculating here, might watch this and think “well, I’m not a convict so therefore ‘toxic masculinity’ doesn’t apply to me...” but absolute Kudos to Eldra who performed this speech and didn’t blame his actions on systemic violence and racism. Warrior of a Spirit! 💗

If there is any TED video that should be taken to heart, I think this is it. I have been thinking over a year about it, and I'm glad that more people realize that without inner exploration, without understanding in what you truly believe and what is just socialy inplanted onto you, you can't really be free nor understand how to live a life that you can be proud of. Not even talking about masculinity, but about everything. The way you treat people, the value of bonds, the managment of emotions, your own values... So much can be discovered from one-self through analyzing what you believe and what made you believe such things

It's labeled as overcoming dangerous masculinity but at the end when he mentions breaking the cycle of group think and emotional illiteracy, I think that gets more to the root of the problem. People believing they should behave a certain way because it's what everyone expects of them. Group think can be very dangerous and everyone male and female should make an effort to know who they really are.

Thank you for doing this! I deeply respect your courage.

I am 81, white, and female and every time I hear this man talk I cry. (I first heard him with Angelo Dillulo.) Must be a lot that is good in there. Good fjuture work, Eldra.

Beautiful! I'm truly inspired and I'm hopeful. Thank you!

He opens with: "Big boys don't cry. Suck it up. Shut up and rub some dirt on it. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." While I agree the first one is more aimed towards males, and I haven't heard the third one, the other two are generally used towards ANY child by abusive parents (both female and male) who don't have parenting skills. These lines have nothing to do with "toxic masculinity". They are about treating children improperly and not giving them the life lessons they require to grow into responsible adults, thereby causing them to repeat the cycle when they have children of their own. Toxic masculinity is a myth. I haven't yet heard a single argument that proves any aspect of masculinity (or just being a man) is "toxic". They tend to provide arguments against other things, but then conflate them with masculinity.

Thank you Eldra, don't mind the people who don't understand what you're saying. There IS toxic masculinity (and toxic feminity - since if I dont say that I'll start getting the trolls who call me a sexist) and those of you who say that it doesn't exist, you are a part of the problem. Drop your ego for one second, and realize that we are all in this together. Your daughters, your mothers, your grandmothers, your aunts and your wives have all experienced "toxic masculinity", or what can also be called, "False bravado".

I don’t understand why we have to target certain traits of portrayed masculinity when they are just as evident across all genders and different sexuality’s. I feel as though I’m defective just because I’m a white male. Why can’t we just decide to be respectful and do the right thing while not stereotyping certain behaviours as being toxically masculine. I feel as though I’m being told that the root of all evil stems from supposedly masculine ideas and behaviours and even if that’s true, we can’t change the past. Playing the “blame game” won’t change the future either. What we can do is strive to be better people and fight oppression, discrimination, prejudice, racism etc. as a whole. I feel as though that is the only way for us to move forward, with EVERYONES support. EDIT: Also, I’d like to say that telling men if they feel like they’re being targeted, they’re part of the problem, is ludicrous. I myself want to support equality and the promotion of mental health just as much as anyone else. The message the message being portrayed, is not clear. You can’t blame men for feeling targeted if their masculinity, however they define it, is being called toxic.

The courage it takes to open up like that on stage, and the transformation this man has went through... That's amazing! I think we can learn some good things from this talk such as rethinking why we do what we do, and who we truly are. I might disagree with some other statements, but it shouldn't take away from the fact this man is amazing!

I think a lot of the commenters need to define masculinity. What is it? What does it mean to you to be a man? Can we all agree on specific characteristics that every male should have? Does it vary from culture to culture? Family to family? Whatever our characteristics, we don't want to keep feelings and emotions bottled up inside, male or female. If we do, they turn into stress, anger, tension, eventually exploding, either through uncontrollable screaming, violence or disease.

Comments on this are going to be interesting...

Great video. This changed the way I will try to act with the men in my life. Thank you for being vulnerable and setting an example.

Great words. He got it! Glad for him.

One of the best presentations I heard concerning some psychological dynamics, where a child can become a dominator or aggressor after suffering abuse or aggression (I have seen some children go down that rabbit hole). Interesting to see that what some call sociopathy (lack of empathy for others, often part of committing crimes against others) is not always as "internal" or permanent as some claim. It does take a huge amount of courage to admit publicly to committing violent crimes : very few people can do that. Cheers.

TED is a platform for sharing ideas. And this is important. If you don’t like an idea it’s better to have it in the light than in the dark. Please don’t hate ted.

Excellent talk. Glad you made it back!!

The only problem with this video is that it is given from the perspective of an ex-inmate - who, God bless his Soul, has the strength to speak about this. Most men, and I’m only speculating here, might watch this and think “well, I’m not a convict so therefore ‘toxic masculinity’ doesn’t apply to me,” when in reality, TM directly speaks to those men who largely go unnoticed, unseen, and are considered invisible by their privilege. Despite this, absolute Kudos to Eldra who performed this speech and didn’t blame his actions on systemic violence and racism. Warrior of a Spirit! 💗

Speechless...... 💗

Either way you slice it, I'm, glad Eldra is doing doing well for himself and others.

Just wow.. Wonderful. thank you for sharing!

That was excellent discussion on what real manhood is about in this life.

Awesome! How could anyone give this a thumbs down?? That’s scary.

Amazing speech. Pure alchemy.

Props for giving your perspective and experiences. Will help shed some light and give some thought to the topic. Basically: 1) Don't be a sheep 2) Question yourself 3) Know difference between acquaintance v.s friend 4) Know your worth 5) Busy hands are happy hands There are reasons for why guys are the way they are but, when poor decisions are made it seems everyone tries to hide behind something. In this case 'masculinity', instead of personal responsibility. Unfortunately not everyone if fortunate enough to have both parents but, kids should still be taught. Maybe something like the 'inside circle' should be encouraged in schools. Played football twice back in high school and quit both times. I was/am sizable enough to play and was encouraged at times but, the first time around I go the line and looked up at the kid who was slightly smaller than me and wasn't giving me much resistance with tears streaming down his face. Undoubtedly getting yelled at by his teammate/coach to push harder. That's all well and good but, doesn't warrant tears. The second time around, the coach was awesome and was really trying to instill 'correct masculine' values in my teammates ( who I wasn't familiar with because I signed up late )but, the way he did it was too much. Something like 'this is it/ your last chance to do good'. I guess he was putting too much emphasize on the 'game' which is how I treated it but, it was so much more for them, but not me. IDK, kids need proper guidance from someone who can relate.

Very powerful speech.

Watch "The Work" on Amazon Prime. It goes further into what Eldra is talking about. He brings up a subject that people are afraid to touch on. Masculinity.

So when is the talk on Toxic Femininity?

Great Title! More of that!

Truly inspiring

This should be the most viewed Ted Talk

Very interesting talk, and it's important not to be quick to judge based on the title. This guy had a rough life and made some bad choices, but learned from his mistakes. The knowledge he learned was personal and subjective, I believe. Equating his story with concepts of masculinity is a little bit of a stretch. Being a criminal and being masculine are not equatable. Being heterosexual and attracted to women is not toxic. He seems to imply these things, and I don't think his personal experience says much about masculinity at all. However, a worthwhile presentation and clear and interesting lessons to be learned... just not much to be learned about masculinity.

Toxic actions and behaviors are the problem... It is not masculine nor is it feminine!

Still waiting for a TED Talk about something wrong/bad bout feminity

A great TED video by a dude who has lived a heavy life and turned it around. Good stuff. Then you read the comments...

Very powerful indeed! I have tears in my eyes. I have hope, hope that his message and others like him will spread and put an end to toxic masculinity! It will take a long time, but I have hope.

it feels like what his babysitter did to him was a bigger factor than toxic masculinity and blaming toxic masculinity for why he thought a certain way kinda takes away from the devastating effect molestation can have

ótima palestra, um homem com muita vivencia de causa para falar. faz refletir o preço que pagamos pelas nossas primeiras interações sociais na infância e não expressarmos o que sentimos o nosso analfabetismo emocional. importante questionarmos as coisas e filtrarmos, é um processo de transformação.

The way I see it, the potential consequences of growing up around toxic masculinity are twofold, depending on context. Situation 1-This guy’s situation. He comes from a less socioeconomically and ethnically privileged background, where there’s a high rate of crime and gang culture. He’s been raised to believe in the ideas of toxic masculinity because of his environment, his role models including but NOT limited to his father, but he had a safety net for these ideas not to manifest in the form of sports. When this safety net was taken away from him, he fell into the cycle; at the end of the day, he was young, he hadn’t matured fully yet, he had been raised to believe in toxic masculine ideas, so to say that it’s his fault is largely misguided. The other situation is when you have privilege, you are from a comfortable socioeconomic and ethnic background, and you have been raised to believe in the ideas of toxic masculinity. In this situation, these ideas can still be harmful because when you have that privilege and power, and it’s supported by the foundations of toxic masculine ideas, these ideas can manifest into the abuse of that power and privilege, the results of which could be anything from the sexual objectification of women to favouring men to work for your company, in your business or in your workplace. It’s important to consider that toxic ideas of masculinity can not only corrupt our men on an individual level, but can also subsequently institutionalise these ideas. Toxic masculinity doesn’t discriminate on class, race or religion; just because the consequences aren’t always criminal, it doesnt mean they dont exist.

The few diseases he refers to of the toxic masculinity is things the old man says to the young one

Wow.

Gillette?

So close to being Panzram. Good on him for changing his life!

This is incredibly powerful! It has far too few views!

The "what-about-sim" and lack of understanding the "toxic" part of masculinity in these comments is ridiculous. People's over defensiveness shows that what this dude is talking about is real!

Fabulous

Although way to figure it out finally. Congrats on the new family man. Just don't forget about the amends when the time comes.

Growing up in an ideal family and experienced nothing close to his life.

The male perception of being tough and no emotions can definetly affect those who are more vulnerable. He was a victim of molestation and reinforced societies perception of how a male in power should behavior thus a very dark turn in his life events. I can imagine in prison this idea of how men should act is emphasized even more in order to survive so the cycle deepens. Men should be able to show emotions without society perceving it as weakness. We should think critically about our behavior as well.

Powerful!

I believe the issue comes down to what is masculinity. I recommend the video by The Authentic Observer - "The attack on femininity...". Her video is a little long but she lays out the attributes of both masculinity and femininity quite well. Also, it has been proven time and time again that giving the biological father equal time with their sons produced less aggression (more assertiveness) and more empathy in boys (also more empathy in the daughters as well).

masculinity and femininty are energies. they are not "harmful" or "toxic" in their nature (indeed they are very useful and powerful when using them wisely in the right time and the right context), it all depends on the one who is using those energies (because somehow we all have both of them, but of course not the same proportion), some people use masculinty in violence and crimes, and others use it to build and to protect and make the life of others better... some people use femininity in manipulating and using others for their advantages, and some use it to care for others and nurture them and make their life better

The amount of courage and humility it takes for this man to tell his story like this is immeasurable. I see more and more men choosing to turn away from toxic masculinity.

I am so proud of this gentleman’s insight and self-knowledge. Kudos, sir.

Masculinity is generally a positive force in society and has been a part of human evolution. However ideas that have made masculinity into a box by trapping men into a certain mindset or simply having ideas that do not benefit themselves or those around them. Also, for men that are offended it’s fine if you are a “machismo” man or whatever you want to call it, but the toxic part comes in if you feel unhealthy pressure or do not let those who learn from you realize that masculinity takes many forms.

Lovely man

I swear- every comment that states in some way that masculinity is wrong, this man isn’t talking about masculinity. its TOXIC masculinity that we should be worried about. This stereotype being forced onto men at a young age, which ends up simply making men more emotionally distant and impaired by using phrases like ‘boys dont cry’ and ‘that’s a girl thing’. What he is saying isn’t that all masculinity leads to crime, its just that a toxic amount of it does. At least, it did for him.

Masculinity is completely different from doing right and wrong. Masculinity has nothing to do with you committing serious crimes!

Adjectives 101: - Dirty water = water THAT is dirty (it doesn't describe every drop of water as dirty) Toxic masculinity: - what stupid people perceive it as: toxic masculinity = masculinity IS toxic - how adjectives really work: toxic masculinity = masculinity THAT is toxic (it doesn't describe every form of masculinity as toxic) FYI: the term ToxMas came from MRAs who ridiculed men who were against violence & for peace, and who they perceived as 'not a man'/'feminized'. Over the years the use of TM changed and now it's used against those same MRAs, because they were pulling the 'not a true scotsman' card. By MRAs definition, Terry Crews ain't a man; if he ain't, then nobody is.

You have a nice voice

masculinity shouldn't be bashed as much in the media it's about respecting yourself and doing your utmost best for your "Tribe" men should still be leaders not weak and submissive, it's not in the nature but overly aggression without reflection is obviously bad.

Yep, My mom told me to rub dirt in it, and now I'm doing 30 to Life. God damn mom!

👑

I think his parents failed him and his environment of Sacramento streets cradled him. Which it seems was allowed. I've raised my son without a man in the household and I had him involved in positive uplifting activities that great men were apart of that gave him a visual and mental understanding and reflection of who he can become. It is good to hear of his recovery from Darkness to light.

I still believe this was beautiful

I hope my wife's son will be like you.

I don't like this term "toxic masculinity". I appreciated listening to his story. And of course there is a ton to unpack here and a 10 min talk isn't going to do that. There were breakdowns in the notion that if only there was a father in the house things would be different. But we have to question the society that forces us to leave our children with strangers instead of providing a way for it's citizens to nurture our children by being present without losing everything. So there's a lot to unpack here.

A guy comes up and says that what he's been taught about what "being a man" was was wrong, and that it contributed to his crimes. Then, he says what he thinks should be included in young men's education to make it easier for them to be better people. Seems legit. Then I look at the comments... and it seems like people watched a whole different video. :(

The way the internet thinks about things is different from normal people who don’t live on the internet. Nobody clicks on this video thinking toxic masculinity. He never mentioned toxic masculinity. Yet that’s all I see in the comments.

Masculinity is not the same as toxic masculinity. Most people aren't saying that all men are toxic, as this is clearly untrue. Rather than writing people who try to raise these issues as having an "agenda" we should take a close look at ourselves and be open to the possibility that perhaps society has taught us negative lessons and behaviours which can cause harm to others.

Thank you for teaching from your pain and creating opportunity for growth where before there was only pain. I appreciate your efforts.

I don't like how the range of human personalities is split into 'masculine' and 'feminine'. I understand how they are based on biological tendencies, but I kindof want those terms to die and for people to have healthy personalities regardless. EDIT: grammar.

What is the role of masculinity in our society?

Most women like men! Men prefer "follow" men. not pseudo-men Male physical traits and male actions. _ Being dominant does not mean you are overbearing or belittle others - Being Strong physically and mentally does not mean you beat up the weak

Robbery, kidnapping, and attempted murder are completely different then taking pride in being a man. Masculinity is protecting your wife, daughters, and family. While teaching your sons the same. This guy is institutionalized.

Masculinity is more diverse than this... This notion one has to become a "feelings wreck" to not be "toxic" is silly. Sure, I dont enjoy hugs, but I have also consoled younger soldiers when they have had a hard time. Telling them that crying is human and done in applicable settings, it will just refresh you and make your will to do something about it, whatever wronged or upset you, stronger. Young boys should learn to both have compassion for others and control their emotions, but that doesnt equate enabling others to walk all over them like girls TEND to do at times (yes, such lessons to not, also apply to female soldiers!). This notion of always turning the other cheek or always opting for the "no conflict" solution is NOT always the best choice. And its a mans job to understand this, even if they dont often get in any types of conflicts, be them verbal or otherwise.

Laughing at all these people who clearly disliked before even watching the video..

Your actions that resulted in your prison sentence (kidnapping, robbery, attempted murder) have nothing to do with being a man or with masculinity. There is nothing masculine about somebody wanting to harm others out of selfish self-interest. Your felonies are not a result of embracing manhood. "Big boys don't cry" is an expression that suggests that men should be strong enough to be the pillar of support for others while dealing with their emotions stoically. It doesn't mean repressing feelings or never expressing them in any way. "Suck it up" has a similar connotation. Resilience and becoming anti-fragile is something you should want for men because there are times when the world is not always sunshine and rainbows. I hope that after your experience, you found the right meanings for these expressions, and I hope you found the right role models and examples to guide you on the right track. All the best to you!

YO my fellow Dudes, he may be onto something.....

the phrase boys don't cry is wrong but I would say I've never heard that being said commonly if at all is this just me? please comment if you hear this often from a lot of people you know

Beeeetaaa!

That's my friends step dad

"Rub some dirt on it" does not equate to being instructed to kidnap, rob and attempt murder! WTF...

It’s funny... most supporters of this video will claim the other side to be full of men who aren’t in touch with their feelings. Like if you’re a man who knows when and how to be strong, yet also knows when and how to be vulnerable and intimate.

"The challenge is to eradicate this cycle of emotional illiteracy and groupthink,"... He's talking about violent criminals... They are the most diverse bunch mindset wise of all other professions. At some point one has to ditch the idea of groupthink and substitute for the idea of dogmatic mentality. And because of that I suspect what's coming from this. And then there's the idea of emotional illiteracy, I think the word stifled emotional development,

A really thoughtful Ted Talk. Questioning the reasons why we we think what we think is important.

Thank you! Now thats real power transparency, transformation along with vulnerability🤗

No! I Didn't spell it wrong, the (Editor You) hacked into it, Respect That! And thanks for pointing it out, because You Are The One That Spelled It Wrong!🤓 I Told Them You Were Changing My Words! You Proved My Point!🤣😈