You just described why I had no voice in my narcissistic family. I stayed silent to avoid abuse, criticism and shame. I felt very unsafe in my family.

I am 58 years old and that still brought me to tears. I could feel that little girl I was 50 years ago and even how I felt. Thank you for this video.

I'm 58 years old and now I finally understand my own reticence. How difficult it is for me to change! I always felt like I was in survival mode, but never understood why. I was being emotionally attacked/abused every day from infancy.

No one but a scapegoated child understands this insidious abuse meted out by the ugliness of narcissism . Thanks for speaking of it - it is much appreciated .

My mother got me sent to a group home when I was a kid. She tried to tell the state I was not well and wouldn’t you know they gave me all of these tests and evaluations only to determine I was VERY intelligent, so much so that my IQ was marveled by the staff and state officials assigned to my case. After completing this program, they wanted me to go to foster care knew my mom was a farce. I was so afraid to leave my brother with her so I went back, now he’s just like her. Long story short, I’m over it and fine with being alone. They’ll destroy each other slowly and self implode. The life of a scapegoat is not easy, but I rather be alone than abused.

Oh my goodness. This isn't me, but it's absolutely me. My mother's narcissistic rage occurred when she was sober. I was making the dirty martinis for my parents when I was in 3rd grade. I did so happily because when my alcoholic mother was drunk, she became merely pathetic and pitiful. It actually gave me a break from the continuous abuse as her scapegoat. I can still see her shaking her glass at me for a refill. I'm very interested if many abusive covert narcissists are also alcoholics. It wasn't until mid September of this year that I eliminated her from life. It was solely a sense of obligation and guilt that kept me in it. Thank you for these videos. They have been immeasurably helpful in processing my past.

I thought I had my voice because I fought back but truly I didn’t. I can see as an adult at work how I get myself in a twist about stuff others are very detached from and they simply ask for more resources etc. This is very helpful.

You’re fantastic. This speaks to me so much. I struggle with self expression. Always have. It’s a vicious cycle to prefer one’s own company yet one’s own voice is shaming, dark, negative, belittling.

Lucky Stacy to find such a competent, ethical and compassionate therapist!

I appreciate how well worded this is. There needs to be a word for when you blank yourself out and act like the extension of another person. I had a hobby instructor who freaked me out because being"me" was bad - unless I was doing something for that person. It came down to - I could have my values and be me, or I could be her friend and be her Mini-me. Trying to learn from a mentor should never be a one-down relationship. This video helps me open up and release the frozen grief after refusing that role.

I remember making a Mother's Day card for my mother at school when I was 9 years old. I took it home to her and she ripped it up in front of me and said it meant nothing to her. I remember the horrible feeling in my gut at the time and the total disbelief at what she had just done. I was also undiagnosed autistic at the time and kept being treated for "behavioral problems". The teachers/professionals only got my parents side of the story. I'm 48 now and diagnosed and have support but I have had lifelong problems with mental health as a result of what I had to live through. I love channels like this as I don't have access to therapy in my area. I am slowly healing myself which I think will be life long but the most important thing I do in my life.

This hits the proverbial nail on the head, Jay. Now I understand why my childhood drawings of myself lacked a mouth. It makes sense of the hypervigilance of the emotions of others and the environment. One never knew when the rage attacks would come from the parent. These were often followed by violence especially if you shrink away from the violence. One learns they have to stand there and take it. And that as always, it is your fault. Can you discuss learning to block physical pain because of these dynamics? I wonder if others relate. Sadly I could not block the overarching emotional pain of such abuse. I channeled that pain into poetry. In one poem written after her narcissistic rage I wrote, "Accusing me to a mustard seed, standing there watching my soul bleed." I was 12 years old. I am writing a book to facilitate healing and empowerment of survivors of narcissistic abuse.

This was stunningly accurate. Never had a heard something so descriptive of so much of my early life with Narc mother.. as if you were there and witnessed my experience, and although its difficult for me to ever cry for myself, (still feel very afraid to), my knees got weak. cannot describe how it felt to hear it today and now i am listening again. You Sir, are a true hero for this work.

We scapegoated as kids had to breast feed our monster genitors, always trying to figure out what would trigger them so that we could prevent their next temper tantrum since we never knew for sure when the tsunami would finally drawn us. We learn to hate ourselves for not pleasing "mummy dearest". Replaying many times your videos makes me very angry, sad, selfconscious, and worry because of the many lights, flashbacks, and awareness you deliver with them. I've been realizing, also, how hopelessly I take after my genitors's behaivours. I would pretty much appretiate if you would give me - us, some advice to counter act such destructive tendencies. Many thanks and true recognition for your top quality videos, dr. Reid.

His assessment of the hyper-extroverted child(at 7:39) distrusting their own inner voice, even seeking to simply drown it out, sounds very characteristic of alcohol addiction, specifically, in that it numbs the inner voice, but perhaps all other addictions too; our excessive eating habits offer a similar comfort that might quiet our inner protest. I suppose even the opposite end of the addiction spectrum might offer, instead of a quieting comfort, something of a thrill in stimulating one's hyper-extroverted tendency to seek amusement or fun in something outside one's self. In recognizing this in a child, he seems to have uncovered some plausible reasoning as to WHY ppl get to seeking in the first place, whether inward or outward, for comfort or thrill.

Thank you for this. My elderly mother texts me and then lashes out at whatever I respond with. She just did it, and I’m thinking, I should have just asked her a question about her, about her joining a gym. I accidentally shared a brief sentence about how exercise is good for the mood and got punished with abuse. Oops!

Jay Reid, you put into words the experiences and feelings I had as a child. Thank you. When I was 7 and came home from school, I would not muddy the floor because I was the one who had to clean the house, vacuum, prepare dinner and have it on the table when my narcissist single mom parent got home from work. If the house was dirty or dinner not on the table, there was hell to ay in the form of her rages, physical, mental and emotional abuse. Mom would drop my sister and I off at the laundry mat and expect everything to be clean and folded to her specific specifications when she picked us up an hour or two later. We did all the cooking and cleaning from 6 years and on. If she found a speck on a dish, she would make us take every dish out of every cupboard and wash everything again into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I remember going to school the next day with just a couple hours of sleep.

Spot on. I wouldn't know what a mother's kindness to me would look like. She was always jealous of me and hated me.

My mother began raging at me when I attempted to express my sorrow over my cats passing. I was determined to express my feelings when she attempted to thwart the conversation to be about her. I liked when Jay expressed how the child felt just trying to show a picture and the mother was more focused on the childs boots. I was trying to show a picture of my love for an animal as she was treating me like I was boot stomping on her because it was not about her.

Super profound & spot on Jay! The world needs to hear your voice so they can uncover theirs.

Another helpful and informative video Jay, thank you. When you spoke of being a‘distasteful object’ I could feel myself wince and I used to feel that I was‘rotten to the core’. I am 60 this year and after many years of personal healing, including wonderful support of therapy, I went no contact from my family of origin 4 years ago and while challenging it is an important part of my life going forward. I have a couple of friends where there is no presence of shame and we check out with each other anytime if either are concerned about that. It’s is quite a journey and my life is more solitary than before but I am generally very appreciative of myself which is such a blessing compared to where I started in this life. Thank you again Jay

This is my story and I've named my YT channel "finding my higher voice" on this journey I speak my mind and find my voice again on the healing journey..had neglectful narcissist parent growing up.

Stacy’s childhood was almost 100% the same as mine. Emotional volatility from my mom resulted in almost the same conditioning in me. I have come a long way in my awareness & healing.

I didn't have narc parents but have experienced two narcs and a sociopath through the years (not romantic relationships). I can imagine how bloody hard it would be on a kid to have one or two narc parents. The stuff of nightmares that could affect them for a long while after. A kid is probably the most dependent person alive on their parents to nurture and help them learn and grow up.

As a little girl I adored singing, I had a powerful voice and becoming a singer was one of my childhood dreams... Then as a grown up I often wondered where my voice had gone. I often felt my throat was blocked and it was very difficult not only to sing but also to speak. My shyness, my social anxiety manifested not only in front of strangers. No, my perception of feeling blocked, voiceless, confused, stupid, occurred mostly when I visited my narc family. My mother would talk endlessly about herself, and I felt speechless and invisible all the time. When I was with my father I had to be very, very careful not only paying attention to what I said but also of the words I chose. I enjoy learning and reading, but had to constantly control my vocabulary not to provoke him. He was less educated than me so if accidentally I used a word, even a common one, that he didn't know, he would feel offended, disrespected, and become violent, emotionally abusive and insult me ... There were times when he listened attentively and then mock me cynically, so to avoid being attacked, criticized and hurt, in the end I slowly became silent, listened but talked as little as possible, keeping a low profile. On the other side their GC son could talk all the time, making up things about himself that both parents believed in. I think that that spontaneous and carefree part of me, at least what I remember my child self used to be, withered and dried because of the way I was treated. So sad I allowed that to happen to myself and I didn't leave them earlier.

I wondered if you have a video on the alone-ness after separating from family, distancing- there's a feeling of peace as well as periods of grief and loss where I actually miss these people. I reflected on why I need distance- yet, I wonder if I will ever regret walking away.

I could see my younger self in that video and it made me feel sad. Thank you for sharing these videos as they are so helpful and insightful.

An artist I was drawn to as a silenced child was Gottfried Helnwein...his depiction of children my same age being subjected to adult pain gave me immense comfort like someone understood me.

Jay, you certainly know alot about this topic in the context of child development. It really helps so much. The contempt from a narcissistic parent is palpable. Then, it's internalized. So difficult to overcome. Thanks for your help 😊🙏❤️

I outed my mother and my ex husband both are cutt off. I do not miss these two evil doers. Thank you

I invite you to tell yourselves: "I am BEAUTIFUL to the core". ✨💖🤗

Thank you for such important information. Overcoming the scapegoat role is lifelong work.

Thank you so much for all your videos,Jay,they are a blessing. I have had this feeling seens I was about 6 years old...and I loved everything with a high speed; the fastest carousels and steep ski slopes and cars and I am now finally able to live more and more with a flow inside,and with me inside,after many years without,that is a really good feeling. This takes time but with patience and help it get better and better. Do you want to make a video on how to receive? I find that difficult. 🍂🍁

Thank You, Jay. You understand!!! 💔💔😪😢😪😢😢❤️🌹🌹

Brought the best out of me. Ty GOD for being with me during this journey!❤️❤️😇

This so insightful im 69 and its took many years to understand, i had to forgive myself for existing and you have just vindicated this for me with your explanation thank you

Stacey's story has me SCREAMING! Finally someone who understands my experience EXACTLY OMG!!! people find it quite charismatic ive noticed as well...However i feel like im DROWNING on the inside in EVERY human interaction!!!

@JayReid this was spot on, as always. I’m wondering if you could do a video on when you need to find your voice to defend yourself, in situations of threat. I’m unable to harness my natural aggression and have been bullied by a neighbour in an adjoining unit for 9 months, the stress of which is impacting my health in many ways. I’ve done some research into bullies and now understand that I need to show my ‘teeth’ verbally. Domination by my narcissistic mother has something to do with my inability to do this when being criticised and targeted in a particularly personal and mean way. Your help to safely access my verbal powers in this situation would mean the world to me. IVY

My childhood was Stacy’s. Thx for that example🙏🏾

I kicked my whole damned family +so-called friends to the curb. Now, I spread the word to expose what monster's narcissists +flying monkeys really are. Thank you for helping us!

Finding a "community" is tough when you have agraphobia. Im much better now but my throat area is often closed and i feel a tightness/constantly swallowing

Thank you Jay! Brilliant video. I don't know how you do it but every week you articulate key core elements of my life that I was blind to but then I know them intimately when you describe them 🙏❤️

The content in your videos is extremely validating and helpful for me. I have read many books on narcissism and seen many youtube videos on the topic, but your videos express the feelings and reflections that I myself have had after trying to figure out what was "wrong with me" during the past 40 years. I felt as if I was alone with the realization that all my innate impulses had/(have) to be stifled, because my childhood experiences told me that is was unsafe to act on them. Yet, even with this realization, in the 30 years of therapy none of the therapists/psychologists I saw seemed to grasp what I was talking about. And none of them were able to help me overcome my massive social anxiety which was the consequence of narcissistic abuse in my childhood. My life has been a bleak, tragic, lonely and constricted road of mere survival. I have hardly been able to fulfill any of my needs or dreams. I deeply wish from the bottom of my heart that I will be able to find a "good enough" therapist who will be able to give me a corrective experience so that I will no longer be afraid of being me and so that this nightmare of always bumping into friendships and relationships with narcissistic people will stop. Thank you for the videos.

This is spot on, my husband is still having trouble with this style of communication, asking a question is just not going to happen! We are working on this, I cant read his mind, he can't read mine. I remind him all the time, that THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE. He is appreciated for who he is. He is currently doing the course work by Jay, and we discuss it all the time, as well as finding other books to help guide us. I just finished Jay's book and I give it 5 stars, lots of really good info. Thanks Jay for being there and bringing this dirty business to the light!

Thank you for this very helpful video!

Brilliant. Where do you find these communities of support, safe and healthy people?

All your videos have been so helpful, I'm deeply greatful, thank you. Also I love your new chair, very handsome!

Literal godsend! The diversity of explanation! As im listening my mond is filling in with my own words as well as being guided very clearly. What it has led to is understanding the nuance and cacophany of conditioning. Superiority is alittle different than worth is a little different that status is a little different than importance etc. Etc. They are all different sized bolts going to different part of the brain and body.

Oh God. Revelation after revelation 🌊

Im new to the chanel. I haven't looked at all the videos, but I'd love to learn more about disassociation with narcissistic abuse. Living in that state of disassociation. How it's created and reinforced. I think this is the way out. Focusing back on the self. Trying to welcome all thoughts and feeling's.

Excellent video. Your channel is brilliant, helping many people. Your opening comments were spot on. I literally lost my voice through psychosomatic emotional stress despite having used my voice in my work in several foreign languages and breath in my musical hobbies to a highly trained level. Your channel has very helpful and carefully explained videos. Thank you for every one.

Does narcissistic abuse affect self motivation,,,for children of narcissists the inner voices of motivation are toxic and cruel of times with parents in the past -- stopping the action . How do we climb over it and create healthy motivation to be in the self care, self trust and go into action.

Wonderfully helpful, Jay. I'm experiencing so many aligned timings with the topics that you release, the podcast/videos are in good sequence for healing work & discovery. I've come a long way, with much help, & you opened my eyes to even more that I can do to grow & heal. Thank you✨

Great help! Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for this.

Thank you for your extremely supportive and informative video. It has explained so much to me.

Very helpful info, thank you.

Thank you!! Your videos are so helpful

Glad I found your channel

I like that. We were *tasked with attaching* to The most abhorrent creature ever in existence we did it. We succeeded. And we survived. So what now? What is our next task from now on?

Super helpful!

Thank ypu. Thank you.

Thank you.

I was expected to keep my school clothes clean the entire day, which is virtually impossible for a child to do. If I did not, physical violence was the consequence

recovering my voice feels souless and like I'm narcissistic and unfeeling myself .... like im the inconsiderate selfish one...

Hello! Great videos and information. I’d like to know ig you do therapy online sessions for me. I’m from Spain. Survivor of narcissistic abuse. Thanks

Some people when being scapegoated for example when only hiring a person to make a business card for us we end up feeling that we have to be overcautious when only wanting to give approval for an image to be included on their business cards to be drawn up Whch could explain why someone who was thinking of hiring me to make a business card for her seemed so anxious while she was being shown example images one of which she might want to put on her business cards.

I definitely feel the voiceless...dreadful drowned out no voice or my own movements... kind of robotic and intense angry mood swings and memory loss... My voice/life feels taken away with scorn... Horrible feelings i had that i couldnt describe. Would come out in confusion and anger and eggshell walking... "Why this and why that" Questions and disappointment from minor things. Boring parents that dont understand emotions but was fed well. Have alot of suppression and rejection... not knowing how i felt and interupted alot

My older brother became an addict and commited su*c*de. I would say Narcissists have a way of destroying other people. My N. mother's ex-boyfriend also died in a drunk driving incident. So, do these seem like accidents to you... and my N. mother is working on ruining me now.

The notion that 'all parents love their children' is a well accepted lie.

I struggle bad with my own needs and wants. I can perfectly "attune" to others needs and think for them, to see clearly what's their obstacle in life what they need to do to go forward etc. On the other hand I feel like I'm blind when I want to care about myself in that way I just cannot see myself or I just see pieces of myself but they feel "fake" not real and not important at all. I feel like life's passing me by.... How can I turn that "scope" from others to myself? I feel its necessary for my development. I can't afford therapy atm. Can someone give an advise for me please?❤

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#narcdaily #peaches #143