When I left, for good, I was finally able to start healing and breathing. You have no choice but to flee. You will be better for it.

Im suffering this 😢

Great show

I am so fascinated that the word “deserve” is such a trigger for me.

Thank you for this awesome information! You are describing my entire life and helping me to make sense about Scapegoat dynamics!

I’m free, sweet!

I love the way you explaine things without all the jargon.

How a Dictatorship makes it's citizens act. [There are so many parallels b/w politics and psych]

A spectatularly helpful video, Dr. Reid. Thank you!

The absolute worst part of all of this is how 99% of people are unwilling to walk alongside you while you’re living through this nightmare. I had a friend that I’ve been fading communication with because they always invalidated the hell I lived through. They always said it was normal and no it wasn’t. Unfortunately there are also well meaning people who say things like it could be worse or just forgive them and move on. I agree I need to forgive but invalidating someone’s experiences that have gone on for years, and this person chooses to privately abuse people mentally is not okay. I’ve felt completely isolated by family members who could’ve walked with me through this but they were too self involved to check in on me. They can’t be bothered and hardly talk to me anymore. My dad gaslights me continuously, saying that no one is perfect and that my mom just loves me and is a hurt person, even though he’s been on the receiving end of her contempt. I never wanted perfect. All I’ve ever wanted is normal. And the part that hurts the most?? Most do not care and will abandon you in the hard times

Yeah, and also using this anger as a form of control which has been my reality until I educated myself with this type of abuse.Thanks Jay🙏Have a happy 🎶🌅🎶week ahead ✨🌈💫

God the beginning is triggering my mom is complaining to everyone about me meanwhile all I do is work and fix my house etc where is all this extra time to help people? I already helped all last year. But everyone agrees with her since she’s nice and social Ns I am more blunt. Which doesn’t mean I am not nice etc

“The gift that keeps on giving”. I am 55 now. And I remember when my grandmother died in my mid 40s, (I lived near her and was very close to my maternal grandmother), my parents visited me and stayed with me for a few days for the funeral, and frequently my mother would be screaming at me for this and that (not unusual for her). And my father would watch from behind her and smiled. As if he was enjoying it. And they both criticized me for not giving appropriate comfort to my mother, who, in their perspective, “should” be the one to receive the empathy since it was her mother. No one even gave me a second thought and they responded to me with the usual derision. I had to stay away from them as much as possible because almost every time I spent much time with them during that visit, they would criticize me, and ramp-up to screaming. I remember one time in my 40s I was backed up from them and standing in the corner like a little child, crying, with both of them verbally attacking me , about who knows what, (how “bad” I am etc) and mother screaming at me and father, as usual, smiling from behind mother. These episodes are numerous and to the outside world, they would be smiling and kind. This is what goes on behind closed doors for us. People don’t see this.

My story

Sounds very close to what I grew up in. It’s such a sense of hopelessness that surrounds the child. There’s only one apparent way out in those times and that is to withdraw into oneself and realize this is a prisoner-of-war type of situation of abuse.

Its time that the mental framework that we adopted from our narc parents so that we can see who we truly are. We are looking at ourselves from a flawed perception handed to our innocent selves by our parents. I thank you so much, Jay!

brilliant very helpful. thank you.

This is why shame is an overwhelming reality in Asian cultures. Listen to the stories from children that have grown up in this family environment. The “narcissistic tiger” caregiver is lauded from the outside but their parenting produces all of these symptoms in their trustees.

🎉❤❤thanks❤❤

Well explained.

I grew up in a narcissistic family and I ended up with panic disorder and depression for many years. One feeling I've had all these years is fear of death. I've been obsessed feeling this for so many years and this stopped me from having my own life until I realized I wasn't really afraid of death but of my parents putting the blame on me for being dead, lol. They raised me up only to be the recipient of all their problems, so you can imagine I'm supposed to be alive and always besides them to fulfill my role in the family, if I die this will also be my fault.

Wow. Stellar information, great value. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you It is just additional point why I should have to stay away of those stinking dymanics of my dysfunctional family far far away. Maybe one day I might die in peace with myself.

Absolutely no contact is working for me.

In order for me to finally be able to stop feeling guilty for pushing back, I had to really convince myself of two things: First, I had to understand and accept that I had no place in my parent's life if I didn't play the role of the devalued child. Second, I had to stop trying to explain myself and be understood because my parent does not want to understand me. What greater betrayal than to have your parent deny all your good and all your worth to regulate their own broken selves? I stopped feeling the guilt and shame of not trying harder. I know I can't keep bearing my parent's shame. It's not selfish of me to have self-respect.

Yep!!!

I have always put my happiness first, 😊😊mumzie expected too much from me. When I became a parent I never required my kids to fill me up like that. I was tough as nails when I was one ys old, when I saw a woman who can't take care of herself or me. I'm grateful I forged ahead and played my music , never stopping . My anger turned to the arts to soothe me . 😊 My animals teach me what true love is.❤

Thank you so much Mr. Reid! I really have troubles with differencing between whats going on on the outside from whats really going inside myself. God bless you!

I wish we could hear of examples that are much more covert, where the parent pretends you are great but secretly destroys you.

59 years old, live a mile away from psychologically abusive mother…have gained independence for the most part but have found I’m a magnet for narcs, love bombs followed by subtle put downs/devaluing etc., I’m a nurse so I have a good sense of connection in helping others in a meaningful way. I feel safe when Im alone. I have a deep religious faith and this is what has made me know my value. God bless

I was the scapegoat in my narc family. They hated all my talents, intelligence and good looks. It is still so painful and anger fueling to think of myself that it is who I am. It makes me feel unsafe and in need to find an explanation. I feel so much understanding and respect from you, thank you so much.

Why can't those people take responsibility for their worthlessness and stop pretending? It's soooo boring to see the drowning and its disgusting

I have always believed in taking care of myself and loving myself because that’s where it starts when you love yourself when you think you are all you need it came from taking care of myself as a child. When both my parents were alcoholics both were narcissistic and they fought And never had time for children.. not only did I take care of my younger siblings I also took care of the house as I was the oldest daughter at eight years old nine years old 10 years old I was feeding the younger children who were six and two providing proper care, putting them to bed at night, giving them naps making sure they ate their dinner. I needed to take care of myself as I got older and I knew how to do that when I turned 17 I moved out and never returned home. I didn’t need to. I was a grown woman at 17. I knew how to do laundry. I knew how to cook. I knew how to clean. I knew how to work because I started working at 16 I had my own apartment, I was on my own. I am taking care of many people in my life my two children. I was a single parent and had no support in their father so I was on my own being on my own is not hard. I prefer it I can do anything I need to do alone. I mow my own grass. I fix my own roof. I have more tools than most men, including Skil saw and chainsaws and everything else I need if I don’t know something I learn it. If I need to know something I figure it out. I don’t rely on others, especially for love because I love myself. I am proud of who I am and I am strong enough to know that I am the best person I can be even if I have faults, even if I can’t do something even if I fall short, I am still, a great human being that is worthy of loving herself every day

I always believed anger was a primary emotion but in therapy I was told it is a secondary emotion that is covering over an underlying emotion. Anyone have any thoughts about this and why this is told by many in the therapeutic field?

They are truly the most enlightening videos. Wow. I never understood why I was SO self-conscious until now. I did think it was my fault. Both parents horrible and project their abusiveness on to the other. On this particular point, my dad made me feel so uncomfortable being a tall blonde in the Philippines. He’s so accentuated how big I was how big my feet were what a big girl I was in my teenage years when I already felt awkward. He was constantly focused on my weight. All talked about was women as objects how beautiful this one was in the Playboy magazine how beautiful this one is in the movie, etc., and he was bringing Filipino women home from the red light district and I was just made to feel, I can’t even describe the misery.

Thank You so much jay.....im applying three pillars of recovery hopefully one day I will heal completely

Our wants, desires, and the process of learning about ourselves threatened the NPD parents, so it was always met with sabotage. And worse, the NPD parents in my life disguised their sabotage and subterfuge. Every day as a child and up into my young adulthood, was a fight to hide any emergence of self, so they would not tear me apart.

These crack me up. Narcissism = me me me me Message of the video = just be me me me me What? 😂 In relationships, you're supposed to care for each other. DUH. This guy is placating people that don't self reflect. He compares a relationship with a man to a friendship with a woman... not the same thing eh? Feminist shill.

The specific way scapegoats are abused and the healing involved are explained so specifically and accurately. You have brought words to feelings I could not articulate. You explain many concepts vital to our healing.

Helpful video. Thanks.

She made me give up playing saxophone :((

Left 6 years ago and am at peace with myself

More than once my Cnarc mother screamed at me that I had 'no right' to be angry . She raged uncontrollably every day .

To see the full-length form of this video go here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/hLR9d8le1denhIE.html

To see the full-length form of this video go here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rt-aq7ir39quqYE.htmlsi=KdCSuKCVlBnGIKVj

Jay you are filling in so many unrealized spaces in my recovery. I am so grateful for you. 🦋

Daija looks like Jake Gyllenhaal in this one! 😍

These videos are so impactful. Simply having someone speak the truth of what someone's experience was, is so powerful. Simply listening to these, watching these videos makes me feel known. Someone (Jay) knows what i personally went through. Someone is speaking to what happened to me and calling it wrong. And that makes me feel better. Especially when for years I was silenced, I was invalidated, and didn't know/couldn't put a name to what I was going through (narcissistic abuse). I may never have the chance to actually meet Jay but these videos alone are God's work. In a weird way Jay knows me better than my own mother. Thank you, Jay, for what you do, you've changed my life.

Mine isn't with my parents but my husband. He paid my tuition and reminds me of how ungrateful I am any time I want my own way 😢😢

I m happy for my healing journey since 06/20