How to Gently Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Comments - Including your Own!

How to Gently Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Comments - Including your Own! - Terri Cole

Рет қаралды 54,708

Күн бұрын

Have you ever been in a situation with someone where they're angry but they don't use words? Instead, they roll their eyes, stomp around, maybe slam a door?
Or, you might be the one that's acting out in this way. Someone asks you if you're angry or upset (you are), and you say "no," but then you slam around the kitchen or loudly sigh (or mutter to yourself) your way through dinner prep.
If these scenarios resonate with you, I invite you to watch this week's video, because I'm going to teach you about how to gracefully shut down passive aggressive comments and behaviors (even if they are yours).
What is passive aggressive communication? Passive-aggressive communication, simply put, is indirect communication.
Basically, it’s you (or others in your life) trying to express a feeling without directly owning it, without saying it.
If this is you, it’s ok. Passive aggressive behavior is extremely common, and I’ve got tips to help you communicate more effectively so that you can express yourself authentically, get your needs met and dramatically improve the quality of your relationships and interactions.
Download the cheat sheet that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/passive-agr...
If you want to dive even deeper, my pal Mark Groves and I did an amazing 3-hour workshop all about transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools, and guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings, and develop a happier, healthier approach toward communication: crushingcommunication.com/
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
1:03 - What is passive-aggressive communication and why it's ineffective
5:50 - Lateness as a form of passive-aggression (time boundaries)
9:55 - Experimenting with a different dance (personal example)
16:50 - Tips to shut down passive-aggressive comments
RELATED VIDEOS:
How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior (Part 1): • How to Manage Passive ...
How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior (Part 2): • How to Manage Passive ...
Verbal Self Defense Dojo with Kasia Urbaniak: • Verbal Self-Defense Do...
How to Manage and Honor Your Anger: • How to Manage + Honor ...
How to Effectively Communicate During Conflict (Without Making it Worse!): • How to Effectively Com...
ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
RESOURCES:
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#communicationskills #relationshiptips #passiveaggressive

Пікірлер: 204

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

What are your experiences with passive-aggressive comments? Make sure you download the free cheat sheet I mentioned in the episode here: www.terricole.com/passive-agressive-communication-cheatsheet/

@shaniquawhipple6413 Жыл бұрын

Sometimes I have an hard time expressing my anger because I don't like conflict

@elainelee4828 5 жыл бұрын

I have noticed a lot of times, I didn’t realize someone’s behavior is passive aggressive until much later, sometimes, it takes several rounds of interactions for me to realize that person targeted me. What brought me to attention usually is a general strange feeling when I recall the interaction sometime later. Once I figured out that person picked on me, I would distance myself. But I have problem to catch the signs earlier on.

@what2saynow 5 жыл бұрын

Elaine Lee same here... Am working on it though

@abbykoop5363 5 жыл бұрын

I also struggle to catch it when it's happening...and then if I try to talk about it later I'm usually told I remember it all wrong...

@iwantthetruthandnothingbut6521 5 жыл бұрын

I think partly we do this because it's not in our nature to act in such a way, so the realization that others act this way is foreign and almost unimaginable to us..... so our brains don't automatically go there.....

@kr1221E 2 жыл бұрын

Same here, I have delayed emotional response due to autism spectrum condition.Only being recently diagnosed I felt vulnerable and somehow inadequate, but even on autistic people don't expect negativity, it's easier to assume most people are civil and toxic people take us by surprise.

@ladennayoung2939 2 жыл бұрын

Because it's passive/subtle, if you will. Plus if you were raised by an individual/individuals that acted like this. You didn't realize that it was a toxic, unhealthy, and abnormal way of being.

@singinglawnchair 5 жыл бұрын

Thanks for this video. I don't do passive aggressive shit after living and dealing with manipulative friends and family members for almost 30 years. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells or feeling anxious and feeling like I have to psychoanalyze what the person is feeling all the time because they don't want to talk and be upfront and try to handle things like a grown-up. I'm not doing this shit anymore. Found you through Jayson Gaddis' podcast... you're doing some marvelous work.

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you and glad you found me. Yes, that moment of "I'm not dealing with this anymore" is such key turning point. Keep going!

@dpizzle98 10 ай бұрын

I am a guy and I just want to say I really enjoy your videos. I watch them to better myself, my relationship with my wife and to model good behavior for my children. You are great!

@terri_cole 10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much ❤️

@anushanarayanan2156 5 жыл бұрын

"Questions the questioner's question." This is sound advice for uncomfortably personal conversations at work with people that we don't want to personally connect with. It gives the questioner a moment to rethink their question and kind of step away from this dance of aggression and helplessness. Really practical advice for work/life. Thank you Terri & yes I did listen to your podcast a few months ago - this was a good reminder.

@FaithfulandTrue949 Жыл бұрын

I hate being late, was always late but learning to get better. Lifetime of abuse causes a neural pathways of disregulation - it's like suddenly wearing a snorkel mask, being in a bubble, with visual impairment and chaotic thoughts screaming in your head - your hands don't work properly, you can't use logic or think straight and your heart races panicking "I'm going to be late BUT I've not done enough, don't look right, have forgotten something I or the children need..." this from a lifetime of being treated like we are "less than a nothing" no matter how much we do or cope with its never enough. The dread of the tirade of abuse on arrival eventually infiltrates every appointment we leave for. Lambs to the slaughter is all we've known - physically shaking as I type. We don't intend to be late we've been trained into conflict panic that disregulates us. Obv there are people who 'make you wait' that's a different animal. No contact from toxic abusers is the only way to begin healing and set new neural pathways for punctuality! ❤️🙏

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

@alleycatalog 5 жыл бұрын

No, I say I am angry as I stomp around and slam doors.

@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 5 жыл бұрын

alleycatalog 😂😂😂😂

@donaldpace9033 4 жыл бұрын

Nice

@yogasouls4345 4 күн бұрын

What a great topic to address - real world useful, practical advice there. I had a friend who was ALWAYS late. Like, ridiculously so. We often went for walks together and one time she left me waiting in the woods for an hour and half with my bored daughter and my dogs desperate to go run. I can't believe I used to put up with it. I didn't address is as passive aggressive behaviour at the time but the next time I met her I gave her 15 minutes and then I went for the walk on my own. She stopped doing it after that.

@terri_cole 3 күн бұрын

I love, love, love that you decided to set the boundary of waiting for 15 minutes and then going for the walk on your own. Sounds like your friend got the message! That's exactly what I recommend doing- if anyone has a friend who is chronically late, tell them, "I'd appreciate a heads up the next time you're running late. If you don't give me one, I'll leave after X minutes." And then leave! You're right that you don't have to put up with it.

@abbykoop5363 5 жыл бұрын

Wow. That explains a lot. My ex-boyfriend used to show up late to my place a lot. I found it disrespectful of my time and told him so...which solved nothing. I also suggested that I got a sense he was angry when he'd come over, even though he acted upbeat and denied it. He was the type that sweeps everything under the rug and tries to be "happy" 100% of the time. Now I totally get it. (I also recognized times when I have not spoken my truth as well) Thanks for helping us figure some of this stuff out!

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being here. Sending you strength, keep speaking your truth.

@adimeter 2 жыл бұрын

I love your mature response. I love your clear, around the bar story telling style. I did not want it to end as I found myself hanging onto every word. Thank you.

@terri_cole 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much!

@wylldgypsyrose 5 жыл бұрын

Awesome & timely content Terri. I have one woman at work who likes to make snipers at me where no one else can over hear, then she beats a hasty retreat. She had me thinking I was just being petty until she pulled one of these stunts & there happened to be another coworker present. She made a very brisk exit that day. My coworker looked absolutely stunned & confused at the whole encounter. I looked back at her & asked "I'm not imagining any of that attitude am I?" I am lost with how to handle this woman & her sneak attacks. Help

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Hi there WyldGypsyRose, thank you for sharing your story. I'm reminded of Kasia Urbaniak's work with verbal judo to keep yourself feeling in control. Have you tried asking her a question like "Why would you say that to me?" Or "I'm sensing some hostility, am I wrong?" I did a podcast interview with her here where you can learn more about her work: terricole.com/kasia-urbaniak/ Sending you strength, mama.

@meagiesmuse2334 5 жыл бұрын

@@terri_cole I find that most other people are so much less self aware and messed up themselves that these reasonable questions you suggest can backfire. I have used both of your sample questions to try to deal with my feeling of walking on eggshells, and they cost me two very long friendships, until I apologized, when I really had nothing to apologize for except trying for real intimacy. I will never trust these people again as a result. Before you ask, I only apologized because these were a 20 and a 52 yr. long friendship and I am too old and too physically limited now to start over. The 52 yr. one was my BFF and it felt, and still feels, like I lost a sister.

@sianmegginson8110 5 жыл бұрын

Always being late is a control and power struggle and a sign of disrespect to the person kept waiting

@lskdjfjhoi30 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for stating that so clearly. Very true.

@1986nitya 4 жыл бұрын

Yes. I'd also like to add that arriving earlier than required and leaving later than required(when there's no real reason for doing either of these two things) is a control tactic used by bosses to manipulate their subordinates in an office set-up. I saw my father do this a lot when he was 'the boss'.

@ismahenelarbi7386 3 жыл бұрын

I personally used to be late because I am inside my head all the time and lose track of time. I used to have trouble estimating the travel time. What I do now is I overestimate it and meditate to increase mindfulness. I am saying this to let you know that control is not everyone's motive.

@TyraHigh 3 жыл бұрын

Dont center yourself in someone else’s story; some people are late due to anxiety or add

@nyanning4090 3 жыл бұрын

People sometimes have health issues that cause chronic lateness. It is not always an agressive behavior

@alexblaze8878 3 жыл бұрын

Another method in dealing with passive aggressive behavior is to simply ignore it. When they see their behavior is not having the intended effect they will either cease that particular behavior or be more aggressive to get their point across. Their level of aggression will rise to the point where they’ll be more blunt with their anger and just spit it out without the need for ineffective circuitous actions .

@TheEmily1218 5 ай бұрын

I have just watched three of your passive aggressive vids. Thanks so much for this. I have worked really hard to rid MYSELF of passive aggressive behaviour and am not always successful, but find I am bombarded on a normal basis with other people´s passive aggressive behaviour! The last bit of this video has given me some practical ideas about how to approach someone with PA behaviour, to save time and feelings and so much more. Thank you a million times!

@terri_cole 5 ай бұрын

❤️❤️

@violetsteele2225 5 жыл бұрын

I dont always think someone being late is underlying passive aggression but more like superb poor time management, so i'd tell them 1 hr in advance to get them on time.

@cmorales22 2 жыл бұрын

It can also be a sign of other issues such as untreated ADHD

@lizquinn3568 5 жыл бұрын

Passive aggressive behaviour is just plain nasty and desrecpful a good stern stare should do the trick 😒

@t.l1357 4 жыл бұрын

Good Sunday morning. This is my first time seeing this video. You are doing the lord's work. I can turn a room into a freezer with my energy. I definitely need to change this immediately while I can think objectively. I'm sooo happy you can conceptualize and explain this.

@alexblaze8878 3 жыл бұрын

I have a rule that if I hear “fine” or “nothing’s wrong” when I sincerely ask “What’s wrong?” I refuse to entertain or address the issue later when she finally decides to act like an adult and say what’s on her mind. Aaaaand, I’m twice divorced.

@tslilbearshoppe9870 6 ай бұрын

shocker.

@beverlyhogan3682 2 ай бұрын

Your example with your husband was stellar.

@terri_cole 2 ай бұрын

❤️❤️

@houki8636 5 жыл бұрын

Problem with me is sometimes I don't react to these comments. Usually friends are angry for me. I tend to just shut down and not answer. I think I just don't see the point in investing in time on these people and how they feel doesn't really impact me. Most of the time, these people just has control issues where they want to force their ways on other people. I mean, if talking to them can change their behaviour, I maybe more willing to put in some effort. But from observing my mum, I can sense when people will just repeat that behaviour when you call them out. With people like these, I just don't bother. I don't know if I'm just too used to suppressing my needs and emotions, that sometimes I feel there are situations I should be angry about and yet I don't. And at the same time I don't want to pretend to, even though I know it is more healthy and me not acting out can cause alot of issues later on. Maybe it has to do with my childhood experience as my mum was like a drama queen and would make issues out of nothing. I just learnt to move away and shut down to stay safe.

@pachamama8586 5 жыл бұрын

Same here. Thanks for sharing and all the best!!

@divyaraj2368 4 жыл бұрын

Same here. However, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you overcome the suppression of your feelings?

@thomaspalagyi7241 Жыл бұрын

I like this woman's videos, she seems genuine

@SN0Ww1te 5 жыл бұрын

Pray's that all the passive aggressive mothers watch this.... Thank you - I can now understand my house mate

@elizabethlasseigne5361 3 жыл бұрын

THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I’ve watched dozens of videos on this topic, and yours is THE BEST! I learned so much. My life will be changed thanks to your wisdom! Blessings to you!!!!!!!!!!

@1986nitya 4 жыл бұрын

I absolutely 'loathe' passive-aggressive people who communicate in sneaky and hideous ways. You can never have direct and honest communication with them like an adult. Communication to them means sarcasm, taunting, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. I 've been dealing with these sort of idiots since my childhood(my family has a bunch of crazy covert narcissists) and now at 33, I just don't have the patience to be gentle with these douchebags. I always give people 3 chances to back off and respect my space and my boundary. The fourth time they repeat their mistake, I unleash my repressed rage on them. If you ask me, habitual boundary bullies deserve public humiliation. They MUST be called out for their shitty ways in full public view. They are devils in disguise and there is no need to be polite to them.

@tslilbearshoppe9870 6 ай бұрын

word sister!

@b52270 5 жыл бұрын

I'm late often, but it's not to express anger. It's usually because I'm very disorganized and take too long with tasks.

@gansonaki 5 жыл бұрын

Wow, you are an amazingly together woman. That roleplay-like example you did there near the end is literally my dream accomplishment. In all of life, seriously - if I ever get to the point of mastering what you just made seem so easy, I’d consider my life wholly a success.

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

It's all a work in progress, no one (me included!) has it all together. We all just take one step at a time and move forward to do our best.

@gansonaki 5 жыл бұрын

Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I appreciate you reminding me of that. And I can see now how clear it must be in the way I speak about myself that it’s definitely not my immediate nature to view myself as someone who is capable or is strong enough to get there. Not many positive things, as I’m sure many here can relate to. That’s something at the top of the list I have to continue working on, but your channel has been so valuable to me the past few days I’ve tuned in (for the first time) and I am very grateful. Not many out there (and I’ve been watching multitudes for years) really resonate with me quite like yours does, so I can’t express more how much I appreciate you doing what you do.

@lisalph8922 4 жыл бұрын

So many gems in here. Thank you!!!

@USMC_BABE38 2 жыл бұрын

This video is so on point this is what I struggle with this daily because I have ADHD anger is an biggest trigger I'm trying to learn how to control my anger but it's difficult for me

@thelivingimpaired 4 жыл бұрын

I have a passive aggressive person in my life. So, the cycle I’m in is this: my mom will look angry, and act disproving, it hurts my feelings deeply and I cry. She’s asks me if somethings wrong. I device on the spot whether to respond. I say, yes I’m mad about this. She then gets defensive. Well, that was a week ago!! (But she’s been doing this throughout my entire childhood.) so? My predicament is that when I do share my feelings, they get shut down and deflected. When I don’t, she wonders why I’m quiet or need space. It’s exhausting. It makes me feel dead inside, it makes me feel projected upon. I’m wondering what this means

@jennalotuscoach Жыл бұрын

I have a similar experience with my mom, who is narcissistic and emotionally needy to the point of being a black hole. She hurts me, gets defensive when I bring it up, then wonders why I can’t just act like nothing happened when it literally feels like she emotionally gut punched me. Thanks for sharing. I can relate and am working on becoming financially independent so I can get away from her hoovering/taker energy. What you wrote doesn’t mean anything! It means that your mom has character flaws that she needs to work on and that you need to get away asap if you are able

@davids6533 5 жыл бұрын

I like the way you think and express yourself! I would give almost anything to be more comfortable and direct with expressing my thoughts and feelings instead of either letting things build up, or trying to just let it go. I've never been good with confrontation. I'm a new subscriber to your channel.

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Welcome to the channel!

@nataliemariewinkels 5 жыл бұрын

My favorite video yet. Can’t wait to apply this knowledge. Thank you

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

@caleuxx9108 5 жыл бұрын

Toxic work place - Terri, I work in health care... so I work with people. You also have such an experience. Could you, would you, please do a video specific about working in a difficult environment? This type of job is specific in that our clients/patients primarily need us and at the same time they are often full of emotions (normal emotions for their situations and they are full of that negative emotional energy). What is normal for the worker in a difficult environment? How to tell if its too toxic for me? while other people can stay there for years....?

@PotatoeBunny93 3 жыл бұрын

u will have to learn to seperate your emotions from theirs. meaning they can feel the way they do..but that doesn't mean u have to neccessarily feel what they r feeling as well. i think a video on boundries, specifically emotional boundries might be helpful to u

@tkomla Жыл бұрын

Really good questions.

@elizabethbrehm8996 9 ай бұрын

Terry I love your story !!! Humbling and sweet and educational

@terri_cole 9 ай бұрын

❤️

@ie1790 9 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your real life example of the lateness situation. That is so interesting and relatable. I love your boundaries book. Thank you for your vidoes - You are a blessing!

@terri_cole 9 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for being here, I appreciate you! I'm glad you find my videos and personal examples helpful ❤️❤️

@kathrynbrown1572 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you! Love the eye contact example; sounds like it would feel empowering. Will try it!

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Keep me posted about how it goes!!

@theliberator9207 5 жыл бұрын

Your so awesome I have been binge watching you and completing the worksheets.

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching!

@summahf 5 жыл бұрын

Oh so helpful! Thank you!

@patriciastewart2537 5 жыл бұрын

Very valuable understandings! Thank you!

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome! Thank you for being here!

@festhegift 4 жыл бұрын

Wow, this video really helped me....I didn't realize I was so passive-aggressive....I just thought that it was better for both parties involved if conflict was avoided because engaging (for me) can be blinding....

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

I'm witnessing you with compassion. Avoiding conflict doesn't mean it goes away, often it gets repressed. Dealing with it directly allows you both to grow together and take better care of each other's needs. It takes a little courage and it isn't always perfect. But it helps in the long run.

@dreone2008 5 жыл бұрын

Love the video keep em coming

@Linesofjoy 5 жыл бұрын

Good advice, thank you!

@mireillelebeau2513 5 жыл бұрын

Thank you Terri,

@tkomla Жыл бұрын

Appreciate your work so much.

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

Thank you - I appreciate you ❤️

@LonjeMarie7 5 жыл бұрын

I love her videos she helps me a lot

@grawakendream8980 4 жыл бұрын

"Do a different dance". Beautiful!

@gemineye 5 жыл бұрын

Love this!! Thank you:)

@yveqeshy 2 ай бұрын

A few months back after getting into it with a coworker I found myself really struggling to even look in their direction and became passive aggressive for a few weeks, I now see that I was struggling to communicate my vulnerabilitiee around how her initial disrespect made me feel becasue it would require me to engage in conflict management which is something I am still learning. I wanted to say to her that just becasue she can't handle someone saying no to her doesn't mean that I have to allow her to speak to me in a disrespectful manner however those words never actually left my mouth (I even practised the conversation with a friend 😅) however going forward I want to be more comfortable handling conflict and letting myself be okay with stating my position without fear

@terri_cole 2 ай бұрын

When we start to set boundaries, it can be so difficult to voice them and respond to someone crossing them! You're basically learning a new language. It's great that you were able to recognize what was going on for you 💕 It sounds like your coworker is in the same position (if she couldn't handle your "no" right away), so perhaps you letting her know you're new at this and working on your communication will help her be more vulnerable, too. You could say something like, "I felt disrespected by the way you responded to my 'no,' and because I felt too vulnerable in the moment, I responded badly. It's been eating away at me and I want to apologize." Depending on the response, you can also make the request that she not speak to you that way again.

@yveqeshy 2 ай бұрын

@@terri_cole thank you so much for responding, things are still not great between us but I want to clear the air for my own sanity and this is a great opportunity for to practice this new skill. It's a little nerve wracking but I'll power through it 😅

@terri_cole 2 ай бұрын

It is a great opportunity- great mindset to have ❤️ You got this!

@amazingyear9042 4 жыл бұрын

great resolution to the time thing for Both of You!

@jacquelineluna7608 5 жыл бұрын

I have a passive aggressive behavior co-worker, I thought I was to sensitive not realizing what my coworker was actually trying to..because she will never admit when she was mad and asking me what do mean.. This video is really helpful. Because I don't want to start doing the same

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

I am glad you are here and finding the information useful!

@josehagwood9458 5 жыл бұрын

This is helping me a lot . Thanks

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

@JanetCaterina 4 жыл бұрын

Your hair looks pretty that way

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you :)

@Yvonne88 5 жыл бұрын

Love your videos 💕😘

@specygirl85 2 ай бұрын

Wow! I love your videos I'm learning the ways to communicate because actually I m very poor at communication whether it's boundaries or what I have to share or show love. It's harder for me to communicate with anybody because my parents are also not a good communicator.

@terri_cole 2 ай бұрын

I see you 💕 I have a video about communication here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/bLyqjLmirczYlas.html It has a bit more of a professional slant to it, but you can still use these tips in everyday life.

@anaiherrera1 4 жыл бұрын

I didn’t even know what passive aggressive was until today!

@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim 4 жыл бұрын

Ver good video lady..great job

@guitarsz 3 жыл бұрын

I love this story. ❤️

@terri_cole 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for being here 💕

@HoneyGoldJasmine 5 жыл бұрын

That’s interesting that you came up with phrases. I find myself getting really anxious about time & forgetting things because I hate the fact that I tend to be late. I’ve started being on more time lately but it’s at the expense on my comfortablity. This past weekend , Every time I started feeling that anxiousness, I told myself “ time is on my side “ . It worked!!! I actually was on time & in each moment I prioritized what really needed to be done. Plus I had a real chill relaxed energy walking into my event inside of walking in hot & heavy with energy

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Right on mama!

@tkomla Жыл бұрын

"Time is in my side." So great! Thank you 💖

@jeanettedellicarpini5616 5 жыл бұрын

So true.

@violetsteele2225 5 жыл бұрын

Use direct language and confront their behaviors

@rebekasilver1 5 жыл бұрын

fantastic thank you so much

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

@vlb4ever1 5 жыл бұрын

This was the best advice on passive aggressive communication that I've heard so far. I'm grateful you made this video. I'm a newbie on your channel so I will be exploring it more. I do have one question though. I have been dealing with a passive aggressive loved one for about 4 years now. I'm very closed to this person, I care so much that it's their opinion that matters the most to me in any aspect of my life. They've had a very rough childhood though. They accepted it on their own that they were never taught to communicate their feelings and therefore, they prefer to stay silent or keep things to themselves. Well guess what, it turned them into this bitter person who's always making subtle comments about things which they hide under the label of "sarcasm". My question is: I have tried to communicate a lot with this person but everytime, I feel like they tell me I'm too aggressive and every conversation we have turns into a fight or argument so they rather not talk to me. Now they repeatedly tell me this and I have consciously monitored myself and even in situations where I am calm, I find that they are the one that end up saying things like: "Why are we having this conversation?" "I don't even feel like talking!" etc. It's come to a point where I question myself and my abilities in terms of communication. I don't know how not to talk to them, how not to care. They have often given insulting remarks about me in gatherings and people in their gatherings have accepted them as having a "sarcastic" personality so everyone tells me to take it lightly, or broaden my way of thinking. But their comments about me hurts me. Like, a lot. Is it me who would have to let this go or should I keep trying? I feel wrong to keep thinking of them as having a problem but I care so much that it makes me doubt myself consistently and affects my self confidence. Sorry for such a long comment. Hopefully you'll have an answer for me. Thanks so much! V.

@amazingyear9042 3 жыл бұрын

Like Who Likes You!

@tkomla Жыл бұрын

"Don't go to that well for water."

@MaryJane-xd4sn 5 жыл бұрын

Luhv this !

@joannhochrine8262 9 ай бұрын

My narcissistic sister who I have since,gone no contact, was always late and started on my rehearsal dinner when she was 20 min late then blamed me for not saving her a seat.

@stardustring 4 жыл бұрын

My mother in law is passive aggressive. Drives me crazy. ! I always tell my husband go talk to her or I'm going to explode.

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

Sounds like you're being direct and honest.

@Mushroom321- 4 жыл бұрын

wOW, i'd tell m X "tell your mom how you feel".. 😒😾

@Needsleep777 3 жыл бұрын

Asking your husband to do it for you is passive aggressive, you got this DIY 😂👍👍👍

@Mushroom321- 4 жыл бұрын

"liked"! you have the right speed of talking ,& explaining.. 😀

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

@stardustring 4 жыл бұрын

Even if the conversation is uncomfortable you talk it out.

@1986nitya 4 жыл бұрын

True. That is a healthy way to deal with stuff. I always want to talk it out, but the covert narcs around me always seem to be more interested in invalidating and less in listening.

@SwatiSingh-is5kc 5 жыл бұрын

I love you :) Thank You

@0301nghosh 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Terri, how do you cope with friends who pass snide, snarky comments under cover of laughter? The more comfortable they are with you the more disrespectful they get?

@bluesira 2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like you have some boundary bullies!

@tkomla Жыл бұрын

Are they friends or something's else? It might help to create another category for those who are in your life as a friend would be but acting as a non-friend.

@Oymmit Жыл бұрын

sometimes i may be percieved as passive aggressive when i'm just tired. tired of having every statement responded with some strange word salad that somehow adds nothing.

@sunshine-sm6nf 5 жыл бұрын

this is so helpful, love when you say Why would you say that to me? I am sensing some hostility am I wrong? Thinking about saying this to the lady I work with, she will probably shrug me off but I can do my 50% of it if I get the courage. If she says nothing and wont respond I at least tried and can go on and do my job accepting she wont open up with me . I just did not know the words to say, my family of origin would ignore everything and I picked the same behavior up.

@sunshine-sm6nf 4 жыл бұрын

I did ask her and she did open up and tell me she didn't like me asking her questions all the time and I apologized. I guess she is private type so I will respect that. Don't know how it will go but at least it is out in the open and I had the courage to ask her, now I can go enjoy the kids and not ask her questions.

@in2wishin 5 жыл бұрын

Your videos and YOU are fabulous! May I suggest you increase the volume on your mic so we can hear your wonderful voice more easily. Thank you.

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the feedback.

@Cottage-Reader 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Terri! I love your KZfaq channel and I just subscribed. Would you please tell me what your podcast is called ? I search for under your name but could not find it, do you still have a Podcasts?

@caleuxx9108 5 жыл бұрын

I would like to comment - your suggestions are good for relatively decent relationships - a good guide for people who want to be more functional but a person needs to be more functional with people who can be functional (safe people). BUT my father is narcissitic (probably mild covert NPD)... he often lies, manipulates and if he does not get his way then he is passive aggressive or aggressive - expresses his rage in various ways. Trying to figure out, why he is angry will not help the partner, because his rage and need to dominate and control comes from deep within him - he has rage when people dont do his bidding. There is no boundry for him to set because his rage is not normal anger for boundry setting but narcissitic rage. There is no boundry - "you must always do what I what immediately when I tell you otherwise the consequence will be that I will not talk to you for 2 months and disinherit you". That is not a boundry. That is pathological.... Lateness - oh, my father, my brother and his wife are chronically late, usually by one hour. Once my brother and his wife told our mom that they would arrive for the out of state visit at noon (in time for lunch) and they ended up arriving at 7pm (no call, not text to say they are running late but ok). In similar cases when my brother did that to me and I confronted him, he responded in a way that says "I dont really care" (he said " we are spontaneous", I had something important to take care of - like an oil change for his car, etc.). I'Ve read several books by dr.Cloud and dr.Townsend - to help people they have made up 3 categories of people (the wise, the foolish and the evil)... foolish people are the ones who dont respond well to boundries, they consider them nasty - I think my brother and his wife are like that... I think they respond with pathologic self-centered - rage (not normal anger that is about self protection) and the act it out with passive aggression (lateness, not keeping promises) to things that are supposed to be functional and healthy (boundries, direct communication)...

@contentomnivore 5 жыл бұрын

I had to google the word 'matronly'. I must say, after reading the Cambridge definition of the word .. she would have been better off just not mentioning your hair at all! LOL There is no way to sell that as a compliment that was just misunderstood.

@rickp.6251 24 күн бұрын

Fell on their head too many times and have a traumatic brain injury. 🤯🤕😌 And look fine.

@vivianevenancio6502 5 жыл бұрын

Why are you telling the dynamic with my boyfriend as if it was your own story?! LOL! I know the passive-aggressive dance by heart... Great insights to deal with it!

@smbensli 4 жыл бұрын

Can you do a video on people who are habitually late ( not because of passive aggressive behavior) more so perception of time. Even if they wake up on time ( sometimes ). What causes that person to be late for eveything in their life?

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for the suggestion!

@maynard1400 4 жыл бұрын

I have ADHD and it definitely skews my perception of time. One thing that has helped me is to set timers on my phone. So, if I have to leave the house by 9, I will set the first alarm for 8:30, the next for 8:45 and the last one for 8:55. The final alarm is my "stop what you're doing, get your bag and walk out the door...now" alarm. It has really helped me. Not implying you have ADHD but it's been so helpful in my experience!

@smbensli 4 жыл бұрын

@@maynard1400 thank you so much that's really good advice. its crazy but I actually started doing this 8 months ago or really does help! I've gotten better but I do fall behind from time to time ...I cant figure it out and why I'm not able to take control of something so important like being on time. Thank you for sharing with me.

@4peaceandharmony 10 ай бұрын

I can totally relate! I work backward from the time I need to be somewhere and set alarms that way. I also have "the drop whatever you doing and leave immediately" alarm. Some days are still a struggle, but it's helped a lot.

@nixwestlake9196 4 жыл бұрын

but someone with PA behaviors would get more pissed off with the directness

@USMC_BABE38 2 жыл бұрын

I struggle with this daily I have adhd and sometimes I find myself I have trouble expressing myself it's something that I struggle with alot in my life

@carolramos8350 4 жыл бұрын

Omg, I totally understand her frustration. She has to be a Virgo too! lol

@LaToyaPlansLife 3 жыл бұрын

Terri, I know these videos are old, but they have really been helping me. I realized I have an issue with PAB and my relationship is suffering because of it. I'm trying to work through it. Do you offer online coaching or can you recommend someone in my area?

@terri_cole 3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad to hear it's resonating with you!! I don't offer individual coaching but I have group programs. Boundary Bootcamp will be starting this fall, so stay tuned to this channel to hear more in the coming weeks.

@LaToyaPlansLife 3 жыл бұрын

@@terri_cole ok I will do that. Thanks for responding 😊

@jollysue6726 5 жыл бұрын

I’m definitely the PAP..I want to communicate better but how?

@Queenie-the-genie 4 жыл бұрын

I do this passive agressive attitude sometimes. What if you do this because he won't listen? ...and won't let you talk by interrupting you every time you speak. You are angry because you know he won't let you speak by shouting over you or saying or implying that you are delusional. So you are angry but trying not to be but you are anyway and can't hide it.

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

I hear you and I'm witnessing you with compassion. Try to remain calm and ask him to wait to speak until after you are done. Some couples benefit from having an unbiased third party there so they can help hold space so both people are heard.

@kaylaskloset386 5 жыл бұрын

I love you so much omg.

@stardustring 4 жыл бұрын

Not anymore. I communicate. If I'm mad I say yes I'm mad. Talk it out. Be honest

@dailykaizen8313 3 жыл бұрын

Great advice in theory... but it assumes your partner is willing to communicate and work through issues. ... would lbe helpful to share any strategies for that.

@flyingcheff 9 ай бұрын

Could it be that being passive-aggressive isn't the first "go-to"? Could it be a resonse to abuse? Hmmm, imagine that!

@pinkyssj4 4 ай бұрын

My MIL verbally attacks me when husband is not in room, I find myself get very uncomfortable in own home. I tell her repeatedly to leave me alone, she denies it when I tell my husband.

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you're experiencing that behavior from your MIL ❤️

@mariamkinen8036 5 жыл бұрын

Not me... our home.

@doublepiscescapvenus7908 5 жыл бұрын

In the situations that you're speaking of like telling someone it's not appropriate to talk about a certain thing at a certain time or tell a person the joke that they told came up to me as a defensive I will be told that I am nitpicking

@terri_cole 5 жыл бұрын

I hear you. It does not have to defensive, it can merely be stating a preference or a boundary of what is and what is not ok with you.

@micheleblanco3791 4 жыл бұрын

There are several people in my life, including me who can be passive aggressive. However, I have felt this with people only to find out later that they were going through some upsetting live events. I even had someone cry in front of me and say " I am going through the worse thing I have ever gone through and I can't talk about it right now" These situations all proved to be true and I did not hold it against them. Just wondering; can people be passive aggressive with you when it's not about you?

@terri_cole 4 жыл бұрын

When people don't deal with their emotions or repress them, they can come out sideways. Freud used to say you can close up the chimney, but the smoke is going to escape some other way. So, yes passive aggressive behavior could be about something else. But you do not need to make excuses for other people's behavior. You are allowed to tell someone "please don't speak to me that way. Please tell me what is really bothering you or how I can help." Likewise, if you're behaving passive aggressively, it is your responsibility to own what is really going on and deal with it.

@sunshine-sm6nf 5 жыл бұрын

I have a sisternlaw who is late for everything so we just expect it and don't get mad, she is a very laid back personality. I work with a lady on a bus and she once told me I asked too many questions so I said ok and now keep quiet most of the time unless work related. She is distant but realize not everyone is going to like you. I just enjoy kids and talk with them on the bus I help on. I just accepted both these situations as they are and not let them make me miserable.

@sunshine-sm6nf 5 жыл бұрын

I go back to work in Aug and don't know if I should confront her and ask her if everything is ok because she was so quiet and I was a bit uncomfortable or just keep ignoring her and take care of the kids and talk with them. It is painful to get the silent treatment but I can accept it, better than controlling behavior.

@sunshine-sm6nf 5 жыл бұрын

i now know I will have to have that difficult conversation, at least I know I have done my part and then get over it, she is who she is.

@sunshine-sm6nf 4 жыл бұрын

yes, I did it. Thanks Terri, such freedom.

@thejetsonslol 5 жыл бұрын

❤️

@FHIPrincePeter 3 жыл бұрын

Katherine Hepburn!

@pinkyssj4 4 ай бұрын

When you question the questioner, but their reply is "I'm just curious". How do I handle that?

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

It depends on the person and the context. You could go for humor and laugh it off: "Wait, are seriously you really asking me about ____ right now?" Or you could be more forceful: "Am I hearing you correctly? You're asking about _____. Right now?" Or, "That's a loaded topic to 'just be curious' about." If they still don't get that it's inappropriate, you could try switching the subject: "I'd rather not talk about it- tell me about your new job! I'd love to hear how it's going." You can also choose to walk away, if possible- "I need to use the restroom/refill my drink." Or again, be direct: "I'd rather not talk about it right now. When I have news I want to share, I'll let you know." I have other ideas in this video: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/hsV-oqhjmK6-l2g.html but just remember that you do not owe anyone information you do not want to share just to satisfy their curiosity. ❤️

@USMC_BABE38 2 жыл бұрын

How do I control my anger

@adimeter 2 жыл бұрын

I used that word ‘mature’. Sorry, no insult intended at all. I thought your response was handled in a way man people could not have handled. I hope that’s better.

@terri_cole 2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 5 жыл бұрын

The problem is that if you do that you’re taking it upon yourself to allow for their bullshit behavior. I would be more inclined to give them a few chances and if they don’t own it I’ll cut them off. People need to grow up.