🎉🎉🎉 Congratulations! I know it's true but it made me laugh ex-people please, keep going strong!

Love this. Keep growing, keep going, stay healthy and stay happy ❤

It really is life-changing….ever vigilant!💯❤️‍🩹

She is a good explainer about trauma. However the solution she offers is not good. Because she ignores the toxic people in power (psychopaths and narcissists). That are is something she ignores and denies since she has BPD. With BPD people believe that the boundaries are the only tool to make oneself safe - due to trauma in childhood. BPD person sees the world through black and white lens, called splitting. Unfortunately - this strategy of scapegoating our brain as being "weak" and "coward" that we heal by being "strong" does not work because: "If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem." YT kingbee9778 Boundaries will make things worse in toxic ambient - and when we are codependent - this is not because of our inability to set boundaries. Due to BPD she believes that boundaries are the solution. Yet - boundaries means more of trauma and attack from abnormal sick people who love power and manipulation and harming other people.

How do you know you already healed?

Becoming independent is another extreme of the same spectrum of codependency. The solution is interdependence. Not developing attachment styles issues as La Pera proposes in her hidden borderline delusion issues..

Me too

It’s a common combination. I can relate too ❤

Can I ask what has helped you heal?

@chris-nd7pi I lived the majority of my life in this pattern on autopilot. I didn't understand or know what was wrong. I came from an extremely painful and toxic childhood with 2 narc parents and family with a myriad of personality disorders. I ended up in relationships that was a recreation of that same dynamic. Codependency is a learned survival pattern turned addiction. After so many years of pain, depression, I started going within myself. I started first educating myself, and being more in awareness of my woundings. Second, I used my relationship experiences to explore and observe my behavior. I had to get real with myself to heal. I had to be honest for the real root reason I was overgiving. It wasn't just because I was this good person. It was because I wanted someone to love and accept me. I desperately clutched on to people to beg them to give it to me because I was taught I wasn't worthy of it. I became the very thing that I wanted. Thirdly, I took accountability for my participation in toxic dynamics and wanted to change. I was tired of the same cycle. It was very difficult when I had no healthy modeling in childhood and being this way in my adulthood. Fourth, I used triggers to understand my inner child unhealed trauma. When triggers came up, I fought the urge to distract myself. I forced myself to sit with it. So much grief and pain came up. The old emotional pain was unbearable. But, Everyday I was dedicated to reparenting myself. Fifth, I practiced setting boundaries with people and started self loving daily practices. With small things, like buying myself flowers. The biggest hurdle was letting go of guilt for not taking on other people's baggage and issues. Unlearning that I wasn't responsible for other people's happiness or life. This process isn't like a switch you can flip on. It's alot of letting go of the unhealthy ways of relating to others and yourself. Alot of introspection and quiet time with yourself. Codependency is what you learned and not who you are as a person. So I had to let go of shame, perfectionism, and regret. It requires you to have compassion and understanding toward yourself. I realized I still have to observe myself so I don't default to the default. I have to be mindful, and do a self correct when needed. i.e. say if I get this whim to rush in and help someone, I stop first before acting and ask myself 'Am I in a position to help without sacrificing my needs and wellbeing?' I also ask the person 'Would you like help?" Or if I am personalizing someone else's issues they don't want to change, I work on easing my nervous system and tell myself it's o.k. and they have a right to stay the same. It's not mine.

This is the central problem: "healing from codependency"- This is where social anxiety coaches are doing incredible psychological damage to us - because they mislead us into wrong alley. Borderline people believe that the world is giant competition place, like narcissists, they believe in dog-eat-dog world where we must be in constant state of hypervigilance. In reality - being agreeable is Top5 personality trait - without it, we would become toxic person without empathy. When we struggle with so-called "codependency" - what is happening actually is that we are being exposed to toxic people and toxic ambient - and our job is to leave and cut contact or minimize contact until we leave , until we have project how and when to exit safely without drama and without hysteria. This is something that La Pera doesn't explain at all, because she is heavily invested in her borderline fantasy - where she believes that we "heal" only through Crusades and Holy wars and Spanish Inquisition by blaming other people for our own adult responsibilities in life. - "I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you." YT gertrudewest4535

Sending so much love your way ❤

I'm so sorry to hear that, it has also been my experience with my parents and I've struggled all my life! I find solace and hope and courage for today and tomorrow in Jesus. If it weren't for Him, I would be long gone by now... Hope you find healing one day! 🤗 ❤ Don't lose hope!

I hear you and understand. This sounds painful and you’re not alone. Have you gone to therapy? Sending you hugs

You have to understand that this is your ego protecting you because of past experiences. Sending you much love to get out of survival. You need to heal the inner children that got hurt.

Oh my Goodness, sweetheart ❤️ I am sending you so much love. A part of me recognizes herself in your story and it hurts.

I still get to hear about how much my parents hate each other.. 50 yrs later and still married. I finally left the state and I'm never going back to any of the toxic abusive people. I really don't care if they tell everyone I'm a shitty selfish daughter.. have at it. Most people can see through their bs. Hard to hide once you hit 70!

I think we had the same Mother.

Sending you love ❤

Same here... I am afraid to be a codependent like her. I feel the self betrayal in my core when i solve her problems. I think we need to learn how to be bad...

@@berivantore9556 not to mention, eliminating the concept that it's bad to stop giving in such unhealthy ways. It's great to help when it's genuine and not to our detriment. But we gave so we would survive in our environments.

I think it’s a lifetime journey

It takes time….Lisa A Romano had a fantastic 12-week program too & her videos/book on codependency

@@godzillamanstreb524 Thank you for the feedback 😊

Yes!

@theholistictherapist- would love if you can comment on this

I had the same experience, with an overlap of the two😅 just starting to do the work at 60, better late than never!

im codepency must problem

I find it helpful to plainly ask the person, "Do you want to vent or do you want help?"

@@jumbolumps666 That's good advice. Thank you.

I’m gonna google it-coda meeting-hopefully there is one in my area. Any suggestions? TY

Sounds like social anxiety which could be many things. CPTSD in my case.

Another perspective is that you could just be a highly sensitive person, which is okay. Sounds like you have a healthy awareness of this and honor your spiritual and emotional needs by setting boundaries in healthy collaboration with your spouse. Well done! 🙏🏾💚

For me the key is to feel it intellectually, not embody the other person's feelings and allow them to affect our mood

I've had to practice having more empathy and compassion for myself in order to heal. I used to (and still have a tendency to) diminish my own feelings and needs. Like the airplane oxygen mask analogy, I need to put my own mask on first, otherwise I'm no good to anyone else anyway. I am learning to embrace my feelings and needs as something that is just as important (if not more) as anyone else 's. In turn, I have been able to have more compassion for others as I fill myself up with what I need. When my needs are validated and met, I am more resourced to give out of a place of abundance and peace.

I might be mistaken, but it sounds like you are allowing your emotional state to be dependent on other people. You are stressed and losing sleep over what other people in your life are doing, trying so hard to please them or be perfect for them because your emotional state is unsettled unless you do that. What drives the obsessing that you find yourself doing? My guess would be a deep feeling of being unsettled, uncomfortable, or even anxious over the actions and reactions of others. It is defining what you do and the driving force of a lot of your feelings.

Um yea, I said I’m codependent that wasn’t the issue here. I’m saying the term “using someone else outside ourselves to define our emotional state” is not a term I would ever identify with. Yes my obsessing affects my emotional state. But I wouldn’t say I’m allowing someone outside of me to define my emotional state. Codependency is not really a choice. It’s a result of growing up in dysfunction or a result of a dysfunctional relationship in adulthood.

🙄

How is the workbook? Do you like it?