WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!

This woman is such a good communicator, using empathy and listening as her superpowers. I read captivate back in the day and I loved the fact that she used to be socially awkward and just LEARNED this shit. Empowering af

Everybody is likable. Perhaps not by you or me, but there will be someone who likes them. I have been literally hated by a few people for being friendly!! I'll never change my friendliness, because that's who I am and I know that there is a lot of people who I will get along with, just for being me.

That's a great idea! Starting a conversation with what your pronouns are can really speed things up when it comes to meeting new people. As soon as someone walks up and starts listing their pronouns, I can immediately walk away and save us both some time.

00:29 🧠 Recognizing cues of social rejection is crucial. These cues include eye rolls, scoffs, and certain tones of voice. 01:09 👁️ When we detect a cue of social rejection, our field of vision widens, and our pupils change in less than a second. 01:36 👶 Teaching children about recognizing cues of social rejection empowers them to decide how to respond. 02:43 🗣️ Lower lid flexing signifies deep listening mode. It's a universal response to focus and scrutinize details. 03:10 🤝 Nodding balances warmth and competence cues, demonstrating deep listening and intensity. 03:39 🌟 Highly charismatic people naturally balance warmth and competence cues, building trust. 04:23 🔍 Lower lid flexing may indicate scrutiny or reevaluation. Address it appropriately in conversations. 04:51 💬 Softly inquire if everything is understood, without being confrontational or aggressive. 05:34 🔄 Changing the mode of communication can reveal more information if red flags are detected. Adapt based on the situation. 06:55 🖐️ Use a physical touch to check in with someone, a gentle way to show concern and support. 08:31 🎙️ Address vocal cues, like vocal fry, that indicate tension or discomfort. Encourage clearer communication for better understanding. 09:55 🧠 Trust your gut instincts when you sense something is off. It's a powerful tool in reading non-verbal cues. 11:19 🔑 Equipping people with the knowledge of non-verbal cues empowers them to navigate social situations more effectively. 12:39 💪 Giving people tools to read and respond to cues helps them overcome challenges like being overlooked or underestimated. 13:50 🔄 Taking control of a conversation and signaling your intent to interject is crucial for effective communication. 14:47 🗣️ Being aware of vocal cues like vocal fry can help identify anxiety or discomfort in others, leading to better support and understanding. 19:01 🤐 Going mute is a cue in itself, indicating a danger zone in a conversation. 19:30 👀 When observing poker players, focusing solely on their hands provides the most accurate read on their confidence and hand strength. 20:27 🤲 Smooth, fluid hand movements often indicate a player with a strong, confident hand in poker. 21:53 🏆 A poker player won a major tournament by prioritizing the observation of opponents' hand movements, rather than focusing on facial expressions or body language. 23:42 🧠 Trust your gut instincts; they provide valuable cues about your surroundings and interactions. 24:33 💬 Engaging withbetter, more meaningful questions can lead to deeper connections with others. 25:26 💪 Overcoming underestimation, both by others and by oneself, can be a powerful motivator for personal growth and success. 27:21 💡 Asking about someone's hero or role model can offer insights into their values, motivations, and self-narrative. 30:39 🌟 Discovering someone's role model or hero can provide valuable insights into their self-narrative and inner drives. 35:58 🕵️‍♀️ Vanessa's pursuit of understanding human behavior stems from a desire to decode social interactions and make them more understandable and manageable. 38:45 🧅 Understand people like peeling layers of an onion. Start with Big Five personality traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism (OCEAN). 39:29 🧳 Personality traits can often be observed in personal spaces like car trunks, medicine cabinets, and walls. 40:54 📋 Conscientiousness ranges from highly organized (lists are like a sport) to spontaneous and easygoing. Organization in personal spaces reflects this trait. 43:10 🌊 Neuroticism is about how one handles worry. High neurotics tend to make pros and cons lists, while low neurotics believe "it'll all be fine." 44:06 📜 High neurotics find comfort in motivational quotes, which act as external regulators for their internal world. 45:32 🧬 High neurotics have a harder time producing serotonin, making self-soothing a challenge. Low neurotics naturally produce serotonin, allowing for easy self-soothing. 48:32 🧩 Understand your own wiring before trying to understand and work with others. Optimizing rather than changing can be more effective. 52:04 💔 Ambivalent relationships, where it's unclear where you stand with someone, can be draining. It's crucial to evaluate the quality and nutrition of friendships. 55:12 💬 Charisma is a blend of likability (warmth, trustworthiness) and power (competence, capability). Balancing these elements is essential for making a compelling impression. 58:06 🤝 Trust Signals - Establishing trust involves non-verbal cues like body language, tone, and gestures, even in virtual interactions. - Key questions in trust assessment: Can I trust you? Are you on my side? Are you a threat? Will I be safe, emotionally and physically? 58:21 ✉️ Effective Email Communication - In email communication, ensure warmth in the subject and opener, competence in the body, and choose a sign-off that suits the context. - Word choice matters - use words like "collaborate" to encourage collaboration, and "power" to inspire a sense of empowerment. 59:04 💡 Impact of Achievement-Oriented Language - A study showed that adding achievement-oriented words (e.g., win, succeed) in instructions improved participants' performance anddoubled their motivation to engage with the task. 01:00:28 📧 Harnessing the Power of Words - The words we use in emails, messages, or profiles can significantly influence how we're perceived. Choose words that align with your desired outcome. 01:01:10 🚀 Communicating Purpose in Email - To make a lasting impression, open with warmth, demonstrate competence, and end with a clear sense of purpose or call to action. 01:03:14 🔄 Balancing Task-Oriented Focus with Relationship Building - It's crucial to balance task-oriented communication with building relationships, especially in leadership roles. People remember how you make them feel. 01:04:26 💬 Maximizing In-Person Interactions - In-person interactions provide a flood of positive chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine) that are lacking in digital communication. Being present and connecting on a personal level is essential. 01:06:45 🤜 Techniques for Interruption Management - Use non-verbal cues like the "open mouth" gesture, hand raises, or subtle touch for interruption management in conversations. 01:09:59 👥 The Power of Self-Touch - Self-soothing techniques, like self-touch, can help in managing anxiety or stress in social situations. It's a tool to create emotional distance and regain focus. 01:12:25 🤗 Harnessing the Power of Touch - Touching, when done appropriately, can release oxytocin, creating a sense of connection and trust. Start with less intimate touches (e.g., hands) and gauge the comfort level. 01:17 🤚 Self-touching between collarbones or sternal notch is a soothing behavior for calmness and reset. 01:43 🤔 Self-touching, like touching the face or stomach, can be perceived as signs of nervousness or deception by others. 04:46 ❓ One key question to identify Frenemies: Are you ever in doubt about their genuine happiness for your successes? 07:01 👀 Facial features, like jaw shape and eyebrow structure, can give off signals of dominance and power. 09:12 🧐 Radical honesty involves being upfront about your preferences and limitations rather than making up excuses. 01:36:00 🧠 Understanding team dynamics: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of knowing your team's personality matrix, preferred feedback style, and brainstorming approach to enhance task management and productivity in the workplace. 01:37:24 💰 Recognizing primary values: Vanessa shares her experience of discovering that an employee's primary value was status, not monetary rewards, highlighting the significance of understanding what motivates individuals in the workplace. 01:38:46 📊 Resource Theory for motivation: Vanessa introduces Resource Theory, which identifies six different resources exchanged in relationships, emphasizing that money is just one aspect. Understanding these resources can lead to more effective motivation strategies. 01:41:50 🗝️ Self-awareness through questions: Vanessa suggests using Arthur Aron's 34 questions to deepen understanding between individuals, helping them explore interests, values, and relationships, ultimately enhancing self-awareness and connection. 01:45:04 🤔 Self-soothing techniques: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of recognizing how one copes with anxiety, whether through verbalizing worries or seeking solitude. Additionally, knowing how others can assist in the self-soothing process is crucial for healthy relationships. 01:49:18 😊 Chart of Happiness: Vanessa introduces the concept of the Chart of Happiness, which involves ranking activities based on the contentment they bring. By identifying and incorporating more small moments of happiness,individuals can positively impact their overall well-being. 01:51:11 🔄 Unlearning helplessness: Vanessa shares insights from her research on happiness, emphasizing the potential to unlearn patterns of helplessness that may be limiting one's overall happiness. This involves identifying and challenging learned behaviors and attitudes.

I call it when I see it. People usually want to express their reasons for disagreement, so I try to help them feel comfortable with expressing what they're really thinking. If you let it slide then that's allowing tension to build within them. Help them and yourself by calling it in a way that makes them feel safe to express themselves

The physical touch is a gesture of support, conveying that you're there for them even if they're not okay or disagree, it's quite natural with someone close to you.

I might be totally wrong but my guess would be that she's not afraid of missing cues, the true fear stems from the unexpected, being surprised is unnerving, so maybe she's naturally more prone to anxiety, she developed this love and passion for understanding cues due to it being able to alleviate or avoid anxious situations of the unexpected.

My neighbour gave me a pat on the head at the end of the night when he was leaving to go home and it instantly offended me because on a primal level I knew what that meant, in my mind it was disrespectful to do that because I had invited him into my space to meet a new friend of mine. I knew immediately that he was trying to show my friend that he's above me despite being an alcoholic that has no control of his emotional state and he has no job due to this. Which I realised was a toxic trait that I had to avoid. He's an interesting case because he lives in a fantasy, a fabricated fantasy that helps him feel better about himself. I know he lies to himself because he once said, "I'm an alpha like you, so i wouldnt get along with your other mate if he's the bold joking type." It was strange because I don't consider myself an alpha, his statement seemed fake, he complimented me to safely elevate his own status against any accusation of being egotistical, also I think he was afraid of being picked on by my bold friend even in a joking manner due to his own insecurity. My friend would hold a mirror to his face which is uncomfortable for an insecure person that's living a lie to compensate for feeling small. I don't associate with my neighbour anymore, I did it because I saw potential in him and wanted to help him climb out of the hole he has put himself in. But I don't think he wants to, he seems to enjoy misery and so I've accepted that. I won't be apart of someone's lie.

I worked at a place, and u could absolutely feel the negative energy when u walked in every single day. Makes so much sense now.

What a freaking brilliant interview! As someone who has similar insecurities with people, a like for honest people and interest in personality construct... this gives some really useful answers! Charisma is warmth and power. Wow!

Incredibly informative from an Autistic point of view. I wish they taught this stuff in school. Life would have been so much easier if I had learned what to look for with people's faces and body language. People always baffle me, it's like there are invisible subtitles that everyone else can see but I can't. Thank you so much @TomBilyeu for interviewing this lovely lady. I've ordered her book and hope to gain more insight.

The true reward really is liking yourself for who you are.

Golden content! I bought Vanessa's book "Cues" this morning at the gym when I started this interview , I bought "Captivate" tonight in the last minute of listening. Very helpful Truth!!

Yes ! New unique material with Vanessa! She’s brilliant ! Thx Tom ! 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

11:53 exactly. People don't always know how to identify certain cues, but psychopaths are masters of the whole game. Honestly, I don't think they would even need any further education, so I completely agree that it is important to educate, inform and equip people with this awareness.

Vanessa is one of the most interesting and useful interviews I have seen, and such an lively and attractive person. I could watcher her all day and not be distracted or bored. Think this was the first time I have seen Tom allow a guest to speak without disrupting the thread before it is expressed by a guest, so her information was actually allowed to be presented and made it the very best talk I have heard this year.

The day I gotta start asking for peoples preferred genders as small talk is the day I stop talking to people.

Save time. Who gives a shit who likes you as long as you’re true to yourself.

More GOLD from Tom and Vanessa! Salute 🫡

Wow, this is one of the best content I have consumed for a while, so full of insights that are extremely useful. Thank you 😊

I would love to see this person on the reality show survivor. That would be a good test of her abilities.

Generally speaking, it's pointless to try to make others like you when you aren't a truly likeable person. For sooner or later they are going to find out the truth.

I feel like I try so hard to be chill but as soon as someone I want to talk to engages me, I come across so awkward and they quickly disengage and I’m left mad at myself again. My anxiousness takes over so quickly.

Thank You Both. Life is So Different when you see how you treated others & how they treated you. I Mirrored a lot, which made me appear fake to many people. Other times, I’m Just Different❤️Good & Bad. Many more Lessen to Learn🙏🏼

Wow, my deepest fear was to be excluded, because I thought it would destroy me, but my family has written me out because I asked them to stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. They have given me silent treatment and martyrdom for nearly three years and it's been so frustrating, so pointless but I'm ok. So maybe it's not my worst fear anymore.

Before this video, I was watching another channel and struggling to get through the program. I fell asleep twice, finally after starting that video again three times....I did something I don't do. I quit. KZfaq then brought me here, and I just enjoyed two hours of dessert! tHank you to the guest and to the whole crew!

She looks fierce with the lid flex.

Brilliant conversation! They have great chemistry.

She is GENIUS!

She is so special and engaging.

Hi Vanessa. Thank you. So intriguing. Thanks for having Vanessa Tom. I had to save this one.

Tried the self-hug with eye closed along with deep breathing and only got an insanely aggressive feeling of needing to escape.

Great episode, thank you :)

I think this is weird because I am more into authentic people instead of trying ones. 🌿

So grateful for this energy. Thank you two.

I do enjoy your willingness to learn new things, and not afraid to accept your weaknesses.

4:32 I hate when people ask me does that make sense? I just want to say something incredibly simple and ask them, “Does that make sense?”

The answer to what’s your deepest fear was so honest thank you for that

Vanessa is awesome, really high value and great person, always a pleasure to listen to, amazing content, looking forward to read your book.

I Appreciate your channel Tom Keep up the good work

Thank you, guys for making this. Perfect information at the perfect time.😊

“ we can prevent burnout by gifting the right chemicals “ 🤩

this is an incredible interview...Vanessa is so dialed in with her research...

I'm brazilian and I've never heard a portuguese speaker do vocal fry. To me it was a exclusive english speaker issue. I hear it a lot in podcast like this and it it really drives me crazy. Because here in Brasil no one talks like that.

This is exactly what I been looking for when my coworkers gave me tension on Tuesday.

Love this woman, for the entire duration of the interview she is super pumped up and excited and it's just great!

Vanessa Van Edwards u are simply the best

I hate when people tell me what I'm thinking. "Are you sure you're good, because I don't think you are or you don't look like you are?" If I told you I'm good, and we are not already people who know eachother, then don't ask me. I told you what I want to tell you.

She is just awesome! ❤

Love this! ❤

50/50 on educational and entertaining thanks

Hey big bro thanks for your impact on our mind. Please think to add captions on yours videos to allow us to understand better because our English speech understanding is no so exceptional

I have never made a comment on any program ... but felt like you needed to hear this ..this is one of the things I've ever heard .. turned it off half way through because so so so many commercials.

Amazing insight thank you 🤔💯👍🏻

Love the information! 😊

Wow this was one of the best podcasts I have heard for a long time… so much to take in and learn.. and I will definitely be getting Vanessa’s book to read… thanks 👊

Man I love this video so much that I can't help but comment more than once.

I love this interview. I bought both her books and I’m currently reading captivate. I even bought a book she suggested called snoop. I’m so intrigued!

I love her she’s the beat

Love these interviews with Vanessa. I am a fan from the beginning. Tom is also one of the best interviewers

Solving people! I used to want to do this. I got obsessed with miers briggs but funnily enough, it doesn't account for things like motivation, or people's wounds, or levels of confidence. So it really is only a clue.

44:24-48:22 about high vs. low neurotic people

@Tom Bileu can't believe you are that high on agreeableness and low on contentiousness. I always thought that is what is pulling me down.

Great interview 👍

man, this video is a knowlege bomb. I am taking a lot of notes!! so excited to read the book.

loving her, great tips for bonding and improving relationships

This was a fantastic interview! I gotta get my hands on that book.

This interview with her is actually useful, unlike the other two on this channel, lol.

Thanks a million!

This is GOLD

I want people to like me. I'm afraid if people don't like me, or if i never find love, then i will have wasted my life.

Great content 😊 I felt the energy between you guys as much as you both are trying to hide it 😅

Tom, your descriptive language is/is one of your super powers. You're able to put thoughts into words with such ease. How do you do it?

I dont think we partially close our eyes to see things from a distance with more detail, i think we do it reduce the noise in our field of vision so we can focus more of our FOV on the object in questions.

😂❤️ I loved this

This was fantastic for many reasons

Hmmm. I like it. She is definitely giving us some vital advice here.

Favorite video so far. ❤

I believe i am like this! I show my real feelings! I do not try to hide…but somedays i became really stormi But still people respect because i am autentique…

One of my favourites ! Vanessa Van Edwards.. amazing interviews so insightful as always!

Wow, this is incredible.

38:29 Tom asks 'what are the key points to understand oneself and others' 41:50 Low in conscientiousness 42:42 neuroticism

Smelling fear makes sense. A coworker of mine lost three fingers in an accident at work and the day after, when the floors were cleaned up and everything was basically back to normal, i started getting a small adrenaline rush

this was good

50:58 LOL! I love that ❤

I say let's not be hypocrites and tell people straight up. It's there feelings that are hurt or in bliss... Be authentic

I loved this video thank you! I will look up her work. She was so engaging and relatable. Thank you both very much for these convos.

If someone is addressing my every move like this I'd feel pressured to make any gesture!

Anyone else feels like they should be together? 😍 such great chemistry and content!👌

Vanessa is so awesome😊❤

Bottom line still...I refuse to be a participant in someone else's mental illness.

Ok, the first thing that comes to mind that I want to understand before I watch this is: isn't learning all of this a bit like a psychopathic behavior? I mean you naturally react in certain ways depending on what you feel and think, If you start to modify that in order to game the system, you are not only being disingenuous, but you are trying to gain certain benefits for yourself with what is essentially lying (because your reactions are not the same as your feelings).

your system is smarter than you are if that is what you are thinking at the light IT MEANS YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND MAKE SOME DECISIONS !!

51:46 My thing is I sometimes do things to make people think I'm lying when I'm telling the truth ie: awkward giggle, smile.

I suppose it could also be said that being more orderly & organised could lend itself to people looking to regulate their neuroticism.

I love this stuff

I would like to follow my instincts 200%+. 🎉

For sure a young global leader.

Nah, why would i even want to spend any energy trying to get someone to like me? 🙄I'm just gonna be myself and the right people will come to me ✌