8:36 - "Allow them the dignity to suffer with their own problem and find their own solutions. If you're the victim of their terrible treatment, YOU are not the person to try and help them right now." Wow. Thank you, Anna.

I think most cultures encourage women specifically to act codependently, so it is a very widespread tendency. Even without CPTSD, women are ‘trained’ to do this from a young age (‘help’ men who are acting selfishly or who just aren’t on the same page as them, in the hope these men will one day meet their needs, after they change them). It is actually rare and really inspiring to see women who just sit back and let the chips fall where they may, and then make their own choices to stay or walk away based on what is actually happening, without trying to change anyone.

I wish I had this lady whispering wisdom to me as a child. I could have really used a voice a stability and insight.

Focusing on others before yourself is an escape mechanism and a distraction from what usually is a big pile of internal struggles...

Codependency is like alcoholism. It’s lifelong and needs to be kept in check on the daily.

~Im not even in a relationship, i just need to hear Anna talking in her wise & comforting way~

Trying to get a codependent to stop meddling in your life is like trying to wrestle an angry octopus.

Codependents [solutions]: 1. second guess themselves when mistreated [should stop trying to change others; instead change self and set boundaries] 2. pressure others person to change [ask the other person for the change you want; take no change as a cue that you need to change...] 3. not open about their motives (sometimes they're not even clear about them) [express yourself straightforwardly and directly] 4. working with trauma wounds that give them a blind spot [ask yourself what you need to be happy; rule out the requirement that someone else change] 5. waiting for another person to give them love etc. that they don't have for themselves [discipline yourself to notice if you're doing this; take your life into your own hands] 6. attach to dysfunctional people which allows them to play the role of the fixer [stop fixing, let the chips fall where they may] 7. like to feel like the responsible one who holds everything together 8. place importance on seeming to have it all together which prevents them from connecting with others [let things fall apart so that others can see the problems] 9. find it hard to admit failures and worries to others [have a place and people where you can honestly admit failures and faults] 10. position themselves as victims (their pain is due to others) [take stock of how your own actions played a role in what’s happening] 11. focus on trying to solve others' problems instead of their own [be clear on what other people’s problems are versus your own problems] 12. believe that if the other person changed, they'd be happy[catch yourself when you ruminate about other’s failures; realize that happiness is an inside job] 13. buy books, watch videos, etc. all to help others [be careful to not put emotional spackle in the relationship’s holes, crap-fitting; help YOURSELF) 14. don't seek resources for themselves or admit that they have a problem (their focus is on others) [keep your focus on yourself] 15. see their own patterns as externally driven (force of nature) (not seeing the pattern as internally driven) 16. feel resentful and taken for granted because they do so much (over functioning) but the other person doesn't appreciate/reciprocate (enough) (under functioning) [deal with all your resentment; stop your part in the fixer slacker dynamic] 17. have trouble describing their own hopes and plans (lots of crises, few quiet spells) [create a vision for your life] 18. repeat their relationship patterns on the job with others [ask yourself if this is happening] 19. live with toxic level of stress and may have stress-related illnesses, financial problems, and social isolation [realizing the consequences if you continue to live this way; don’t wait to make these changes; small steps can make a difference] They seem to have little insight into their own selves (behaviors, patterns, etc.) but focus on others instead.

Codependency can indeed be draining and detrimental to one's own happiness. It's important to recognize that true happiness comes from within ourselves, rather than relying on others to fulfill our needs or change to fit our expectations. Building a healthy and fulfilling relationship requires mutual support, understanding, and acceptance. Instead of trying to change someone else, let's focus on personal growth and development, allowing ourselves and our loved ones to grow and thrive in their own unique ways. Remember, genuine happiness is found by embracing our own journey and supporting others on theirs.

This is my mom to a T. And she has sucked all the agency from my sibling due to the codependent behaviours. They are so enmeshed. I had to spend a lot of time undoing all the bad habits I learned from my mom after I cut contact years ago. I have gone in the other direction where I refuse to meddle unless I am asked for help and I only help if I think it will help and not enable someone’s bad behaviour. “Not my monkeys, not my circus” is such a great mindset.

My ex-boyfriend was a fixer, would occasionally speak for me, and he bought me books on topics he thought would help me. He thought he had good intentions and was supporting me with my myriad of problems. I chose to be with him…for security perhaps. He wanted me. The more days and weeks that add up after the breakup the more insight I gain. It just wasn’t a healthy relationship. I shouldn’t be in a relationship for awhile until I work on my own growth and development. p.s. I’ve been focusing on taking an online course in order to learn skills that’ll help me get a better job. I’m SO grateful for the opportunity to do this, and I’ve noticed that having something to work on and put my energy into has helped me feel activated while building competency. It’s stressful, but I’m taking steps in the direction I want to go: Independence and Financial Stability.

Great topic, thank you! I used to think boundaries were rules you set for other people, and that I was standing up for myself if I was "calling out" bad behavior and verbalizing my dissatisfaction "so they can change." Blecch! I got sooo much help with understanding and healing codependency through identifying and healing my attachment style. Personal Development School and Heidi Priebe have been awesome resources. That would make for a good collaboration or interview at some point. PDS has already interviewed Patrick Teahan LICSW, another awesome resource in healing developmental trauma. I'd love to see the same here. We do NOT have to continue staying in unhealthy relationships just because we have an unhealthy past!

I am a twin.Our parents divorced when we were two.We moved in with our grandma .Our mom had mental problems so at a young age I had to be the parent and take care of everyone.I have been a selfless fixer and caregiver ever since.I never felt safe when I was very young coming from a broken family and I never felt loved..Both parents were emotionally unavailable.I have picked emotionally unavailable men all my life mostly narcissists.I am 71 and hoping to find someone that will love me and not only love what I do for them.Your videos have really got me looking at me .

I can’t tell you how many of my friendships and relationships have ended because I angrily said “I do everything for you and you never return the same”… I get way too entrenched in the people in my life and their problems. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend is a leaf in the wind and asks me for my opinion on everything and can’t do anything without me. I know I was attracted to him for that reason, but I resent it at the same time.

Thanks for this in-depth look into co-dependency. Most of the women in my family are codependent, including me. As my healing journey has progressed, I’ve been working on stopping codependent behaviors in my life, and my stress and anxiety levels have been going way down, much further than I thought they could! This video should help me pinpoint more behaviors and fix them…

We try to fix everyone else but ourselves. Look inside.

I bought a book on love addiction and she talks about the difference between love addicts and co-dependents and I realized I’m not a love addict, but a codependent. I definitely relate to this, it sucks.

Dear Anna, the algorithm bring you to me a week ago, after I finished reading The Body Keeps The Score. It's my third day of Daily Practice, and I really get the clearer vision and the energy I need to focusing in real life. I learned so many tips from you, and I realized my mom is codependent on me and I become codependent on my boyfriend. Thank you Anna!

I just want to say how incredibly helpful and empowering your videos have been for me lately. I'm at a turning point in my romantic relationship, and I feel like I can actually do the work on myself to make things better.

Some of what has me confused is how to tell when you're crap-fitting and when you're trying to work on things because nothing worthwhile comes easy, and to mix it up more is how to tell when you're being codependent when you already don't have any close people in your life. I always hear that you have to be happy with yourself first before being happy with someone else, but being alone has never made me happy, just the same worthless loneliness

This is such a great video, Anna! So to the point! As you spoke, I was thinking of friends of mine (myself, too, of course ;)) who come from safe homes and have no trauma in their lives but still have strong codependent behavior. I was wondering if it perhaps also can be from something they were taught by their parents when they grew up. Living in Europe, we have a whole generation before us who has been through a devastating war, so as I see it, my parent's generation has suffered lots of trauma in many different ways, and although some of them have been able to be relatively safe for their kids, they might have established a pattern of codependency in their upbringing - maybe even especially if they have come from environments of profound faith (I say this because the friends I'm talking about are strong believers, so I'm solely talking out of my personal experience and have no research about it). My parents weren't able to parent me in safety, so they have definitely and actively taken part in my trauma experiences, and I'm working on that. However, I have many so-called "healthy" friends from safe and stable homes who have strong codependency behaviors. I know for sure that these friends of mine haven't experienced trauma directly (I know them well and have known them for more than 20 years), but as you spoke now, it was as if I could hear the way they have been talking about their frustrations in their relationships and at work for years. So listening to you now, I began wondering if their codependency maybe is taught? Suddenly the penny dropped regarding why I have spent less time with them lately: because I am healing and don't have the same need to make them realize what to do. Thank you, Anna, for showing me how to remove the leaves from my windshield. As my healing work began developing in a good direction - much thanks to you and The Daily Practice - I've felt more and more frustrated by these friendships and the friends with whom I used to have so much fun. I've been very confused, and more and more, I've withdrawn from these friends. However, mysteriously, I haven't dismissed them completely as I would have some years ago. Since the Daily Practice constantly teaches me to be more patient, observe and be careful so that I don't keep on jumping to conclusions, I've waited out my decisions. On a daily basis, I get reminded of my tendency of trauma-driven decisions, so I've taken my time and gathered information to be able to decide what's going on, who to let go of, and with whom a friendship can still continue. However, I've increasingly avoided spending too much time with them because I've found it so frustrating to hang out with long-term friends when all we do is small-talk for hours. I have my codependency patterns myself, for sure, and I also see how I, throughout the more than 50 years I've lived, have been drawn to the well-known when it comes to relationships. I've either attached myself to manipulative and abusive people or to people with no boundaries and codependent behavior. That way, the codependent Gunvor could "help" the grandiose people in my life to get better at connecting to people and become more solid and trustworthy friends, or I could "help" the codependent ones with setting boundaries for themselves and "helping" them to better take care of themselves. When I started healing, and the Daily Practice contributed to begin removing the layers that prevented me from getting closer to myself, my relationships with some of my former friends became more difficult to cope with - they became more annoying in my mind. However, you have shown me how I must focus on my own healing instead of "rescuing" everybody else, so that's what I've been doing - with help from the benefits of your membership and from my therapy. As I've healed, I also can see better how I now can be a resource for others in ways I couldn't even imagine - in ways that really mean something! It's been mind-blowing! Thank you, Anna, for this video. It put into words what I, a couple of months ago, started to realize without being able to quite understand what was going on. You speak so clearly and correctly about this, and this video is so helpful in the process I'm in right now. Maybe I even listened better today, too, since I watched it right after having done my morning Daily Practice? I think so. The Daily Practice declutters my mind, and I'm capable of seeing myself with more sobriety and less self-loathing - in ways I once even didn't know were possible.

53 years old and still trying to recover from my codependency... It is a lifelong process...

I'm having a friendship with my ex partner and all of these points meet both of us. We are always worried about the other and always try to fix the other ones problems. Thank you for this, it confirms what I suspected.

This was really hard to listen to all the way through. I felt so exposed after the first few signs of being codependent and cringed at hearing more. It's been so stressful and toxic being in this dynamic, but now I'm aware of my behavior and have the POWER to make changes!!!

~Number 10 really speaks to me, and im gonna work with that one, and start seeing how id like to heal, and what that would look like, rather than focus on how my family sees me & treats me~

The job one hits home- eventually I turn every boss into my mother. I have been making a concerted effort to never do that again! Easier said than done!

My ex boyfriend who I’ve been off and on for the past 6 years has died June 8th just a few days after his 42 birthday, I’ve been codependent with him and have been trying to break that chain because he would never get clean and sober and stop cheating on me, I am deeply in love with him and I’m having a hard time I just cry out of nowhere I miss him so much I don’t know what to do 💔 😔

Thanks for the tough love, Fairy! This was enlightening :)

Codependents Anonymous has pretty much saved my life. I recommend reading Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and finding a local CoDA meeting to get started on the road to healing. Also, if you believe you may be codependent then you should also check on whether you have any CPTSD symptoms and find a good trauma therapist. The family histories behind both are often intertwined.

This video is really helpful. I have been this way my whole life. I never knew this was a condition. It’s exhausting. This is really eye opening for me.

I resemble a lot of this, and I know exactly where I got it from

Thank you very much Anna for this excellent message. Another concise and extremely helpful video of yours. Best wishes to you and your fortunate followers.

Aaand I have every sign..wow. 😢 Start the healing to find who I am! ❤

This video was so heavy 😅 I resonated with more than I expected. Thank you for your time and wisdom!

CODA shows up for me as: I always come last Everyone & everything comes before taking care of me. No more!...what a lovely process stepping off...and taking care of me.

Thank you So much to unpack. I can now literarily pick away point by point and process my deficiencies. I've been solo for nearly five years, now, trying to reconstruct me. This is a good Blueprint. Much appreciated CCF.

Thank you for making this video. It's time we started taking responsibility for our actions and stopped calling other people narcissists and avoidants. Maybe they are, but what are we doing with them then ? A relationship happens because two people take a decision to be in that relationship. There is no relationship without the two. We need to look at ourselves.

I feel called out and I sincerely thank you for this.

This is great, Anna. Very clearly presented!

This is the best set of information anyone has ever put in front of me. Thank you so much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a book recommendation go to rescind 🤣

Codependent here… I blamed everyone for years. Now I’m learning to take responsibility and who I am and what I want and that I have value. I have choices. I hope other codependent can learn to grow too. 12 steps are helping me a lot and so does this channel.

Sooooooo good!!! This video could be a whole class or textbook on Co-Dependency. Thank you for this!!🌟

Anna! This was just what I needed, thank you so much! Thank you, God!❤

To be co-dependent means to rely on the present person in your life to be the supplier of the trauma and negativity that became your place of feeling normal and not realizing it. That's about the best way I can put it.

Anna, could you do a video on codependency within a family ( Im very codependent with my siblings), also limerance within a family ( I have always felt a deep limerance, or longing for a friendship with a sibling, who has never expressed an interest in a friendship with me, but has towards other siblings.) Thank you for considering this. Our parents were killed in a car accident when we were all very young, so the whole sibling relationship got very messed up; at least for myself who was only 14y/o at the time.

When I stopped taking on a male SO anger. When he was trying to shift it to me and I calmly stopped taking it on the relationship started to slowly come apart. I saw what was happening and stayed with protecting myself. When it finally ended I was heartbroken. He was gone before I noticed and no heartache for me from him. It was worth every heartache, tear, those sharp knife-like pangs in the chest.

This was good, Anna. Thank you.

I needed this so much right now! Thank you ❤

I’ve joined Crappy Childhood Fairy’s workshop site, I’m learning how to fix myself lol😊 I want to send this video to my codependent family but. Well you know

So good. You have such a gift to bring clarity. Thank you.

I’m at #17. Taking the hard pause…depression and pain. This is a tough one..been here awhile now.. wondering if it will ever end? :(

Excellent. Thank you

Time for another portion of disappointment in myself and in how I can't not screw up the best person I have. Edit: actually I watched it and turns out I am in a healthy relationship and neither me nor my partner are condependent! I was in a very bad emotional state when I wrote this comment, have a nice day, everybody!❤

Oh Boy!!! Did I need to see this today!!! Thank you Anna! 🙏❤🙏

wow. A lot of good insites in here ! this was very helpful, thank you Team Fairy !

Thanks ! I’m not wanting to be a victim , or a Karen but you know how to clarify things ❤

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu....dge. Anna, this is so good. I wish I could share this to someone who could really use to hear it! Hahahaha, jk jk. Sorta.

I'm not thrilled w/ what I feel is shaming language. "You statements" For ppl that behave as a CODA... CODA is a self fulfilling prophecy... CODA...is a survival skill. I thank it daily for helping me survive. But It no longer works so... Reprogramming the faulty software is the life journey. Period

Dear Anna, i’ve been dealing with similar traits and am gladly working on them and seeing progress :)- but i’m wondering if hoping that someone changes also translates to one of these codependent traits? I have an internal urge to control the situation but i’ve practiced just letting it be, but at the same time also nurture this hope for change.

Such a great video! Thank you ❤❤

I am in a dysfunctional 33 year marriage. I think we both have codependent traits. I am now sober but my husband isn't. I think I just wanted to have him sober so I became the fixer. Unfortunately he needs to be able to fail.

Thank you. Very helpful.

I'm so confused. I am the "fixer". Myself and my partner are trauma survivors. We've always been co-dependent, I guess, because he relies on me for everything. I don't have that same level of support, though. Thirty years in, we love each other, but I feel what you have described. Drained, exhausted, afraid. I feel like I could have been so much more, but between the effects of the trauma I had (that I didn't realize I had at the time) and trying to heal his trauma, I lost so much time. Now I'm afraid to do anything but support others, and second guess what I "think" makes me "happy". I just try to make others happy.

Thankyou

I have been in a crappy relationship every since I was 10 years old that includes family and when I turned 18 it got way worse with choices of boys and later a man that I have been married to for a long time. UGH! It would of been so nice to have gotten help early on. Im sure I'm not the only one that has not felt really happy with self and the choices that I have made.

When you talk about trying to fix the other person it reminds me of that book Womem who Love too Much. The second or third page has a hilarious sentence. It says something like if you are reading this book to figure out how to fix the other person you are a woman who loves too much. I’m not quoting it verbatim it’s been awhile but that’s the gist of it.

Oh Jesus!! I checked all the boxes 📦 😢

I had the issue of doing so much for someone but I never really asked for the person to do it for me. So I had to tell the person to back off and now they left me.

THANK YOU ANA 🙏✨🙏😇🙏✨😇

Socialization is bad enough... so most people are codependents... And those raised in even abusive homes - parentified or invisible or golden or scapegoat kids... they just continue living in survival mode... and they were never allowed to develop their individuality ... Self love and self compassion - keys in healing.

❤🎉Good evening and happy new year, what can I say, not this word, what caused my mother to block my phone and to this day I still don't know what happened to her, very sad and this is the stuff of a crazy person 🤐

I should have reached out to him on his birthday I feel like a bad person for being so stubborn and now I can never talk to him again, I’m so angry with myself

Have you ever done a video on making bad decisions, like a form of self sabotage? I do this constantly on really big life decisions. It's like I feel the knott in my stomach that I shouldn't do something, then I do it!! It's so frustrating. Help!

Is it possible to just have codependent tendencies, or be involved in people that exacerbate said behavior? I've read codependent no more, and think that it does resonate with me, but just not completely. Anyone else feel this way?

Two types: False empowered codependent Disempowered codependent

Hi Fairy, I love your videos. I have a question that I hope you might answer in a video. I am in a relationship with a secure man. I am very disorganized, myself. I am working so hard to get myself more secure. How do those of us who are "anything other than secure" determine whether the relationship we are in is a good one for us. Though I have found a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, emotionally generous and immensely tolerant man, I swing like the weather in terms of whether I "truly" like him for the long term. He is (finally!) a good man, but is he the one for me? I can't tell whether to fully commit (even though I already have fully committed and always tell him I want to marry him)... I don't like that he's messy and drinks too much beer...), but he has wonderful friends, a great job and he would and has done everything for me. I have always been appalling at making decisions for myself. I'm embarking on a massive healing journey now, but I need help in telling the difference between what is my "faulty attachment" and what could be incompatibility. I just can't tell. It's quite frightening

This video and "Build Your Power Back" are two of the most illuminating and helpful; thank you! I belonged to your membership for a few months and then canceled so I could integrate some of what I learned for a month or two. Would the Connection Course (one I've yet to take) be a good one to work through alongside the list of points in this video?

love the necklace x

FYI: I'm rallying for Mel Robbins to interview you!

This was hard to hear. I'm most definitely a codependent but I've done some work on it. I need codependent anonymous.

Codependent vs Narcissist/Covert Narcissist - Why do I have such a struggle with identifying these traits in others?

I need a woman in my life. I need to BE a good boyfriend or husband. I NEED YOU! I can not read women's signals and even if I can, I'm afraid to trust those signals...and I think it's because I have no self confidence at all... Bright it Shone .....you know the rest🙏

Anna - How does therapy connect with the client’s spiritual nature for healing and wholeness? Do you believe it’s necessary? What is your approach?

Does co-dependency happen when you were married for 32 years and had children? Like I was totally dependent financially and for help with the children during our marriage, but now that our marriage is over, I am struggling financially on my own. I stayed home too many years with our kids and lost working skills. I hate having to ask my ex for financial help. I am working now again, but it's not enough.

Ive not coped since my youngest son moved away and now alone and lost at 60. My sons were my life and now one not talking to me much. I want to be near them but it would be to fix me and not be alone as i get older but feel i would lean on them all the time, is it wrong to be dependent on them to save me and be my company ? Im so scared and alone here miles from them. I am very needy and am sure they would feel burdened by my neediness? Please help. I have lost all my friends and no other family around. I feel close to ending it all as so many have family near or a partner. I have severe anxiety and can hardly go out to connect. Cant stop crying worrying about the lonely future and early death.

Bada Bing Bada Boom!

❤

We don't set ourselves on fire to warm others. This is common when we've experienced trauma and abuse. It's essentially a fawning response--"we cook the bear a steak so it won't eat our foot." It's a coping and self-perserving mechanism, but as we heal, we learn it's not best for us.

Wow 😢

How do I send a letter? 🥺

😢😢😢😢

With this definition, then aren't we all codependent? And is it even real? Per New York times article, "Codependency Is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery." I disagree with your examples of codependency, which were frankly, too broad and thus, confusing. Therefore, when I researched what "codependency" actually was, I stumbled upon this article. And I found out that codependency isn't recognized in the DSM! I also realized that you're not a licensed therapist. Now I question your credibility as you "help" others who reach out to you. Fun fact: I actually get real therapy, and I just realized they never mentioned codependency due to the fact that it's not a legit mental disorder. I'm not trusting unlicensed YT therapist-like "professionals." I'll stick to the real, licensed pros.

is codependent really a term that was made up to victim blame?

Thank you for share this video 😍😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

Thank you for this insightful video! For those who are codependent, their trauma is something that has taken such a toll on their body. Trauma can become something very familiar and healing from it is never an easy task ❤‍🩹