How to Use The Soft Startup from Dr. John Gottman

Рет қаралды 9,382

Күн бұрын

The soft startup is a strategy developed from Dr. John Gottman's research to help people maximize the likelihood of a positive outcome from a disagreement.
Research shows that 96% of the time, how a conflict begins is directly tied to how it will end.
So, if you start off with hostility, judgment, anger, and criticism... it's not going to go well.
But if you start with kindness, compassion, humility, humor, and curiosity... you have a MUCH higher likelihood of a positive outcome.
This video will walk you though some of the strategies you can use to maximize your chances of having a disagreement go really well.
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#SoftStartup #Gottman #MarriageAdvice
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Пікірлер: 29

@ginamcgrew9955 3 жыл бұрын

Nate Bagley! One of the things I love and respect about your work is that you are modeling vulnerability by not being afraid to GO THERE in your illustrations. I don't know very many men, or women, who would be willing to share cringy things that happen to them so that they can ultimately help others. You remind me of our pastor. Keeping it authentic. And I am so proud of your wife for approaching you instead of missing out on your awesome future together! It took maturity on both your sides! These approaches to conflict are very helpful and after the Epic Wives course I've had good results from them 🎉

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks Gina! That means so much. Really.

@the.marriage.coach.youtube 11 ай бұрын

100% agree!

@laurapettit426 3 жыл бұрын

I appreciate the actual examples. Thank you

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

So glad it was helpful!

@capricia1223 Жыл бұрын

I really enjoyed this!!! I always say “like” when I start a conversation and I was wondering why it wasn’t always affective. I was told to always say “I feel like” so I’m not pointing the finger but the way you explained it makes sense

@TheGrowthMarriage 9 ай бұрын

I feel = emotion I feel like = thought

@rotatingmind 3 жыл бұрын

Excellent advice. I can confirm by own experience that the harsh startup has never worked for me and struggling for a better way to communicate. Since I have a multicultural background, I was wondering whether this advice also works across cultural borders.

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

You're so right. That harsh startup NEVER works.

@Itsluleone 10 ай бұрын

I just wanna say that I’ve been watching a lot of videos about improving marriage/relationship and you’re the first that cared about not being gender normative - cause in my situation, we are 2 woman. I don’t usually feel seen. So thank you.

@TheGrowthMarriage 9 ай бұрын

🌈❤️

@suzannewilliams4316 Жыл бұрын

So many good tips. Thank you!

@ashleynavas5966 3 жыл бұрын

Loved this advice

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for letting me know!

@halah.2073 3 жыл бұрын

Once again, another very valuable video. Thank you, Nate!

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

Always.

@Lavenderandlunchables 9 ай бұрын

Bless you for sharing your story. Great example of showing humility ❤

@penjenta6618 3 жыл бұрын

Great video

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

Great comment.

@heidisheldon7545 7 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for these videos. I am a huge fan of the Gottman's I love the easy way you break down their teachings. In another video you used your wife's analogy of dirty dishes in the sink and how much easier they are to clean if you clean them as they happen. I'm curious what to do if you have seven years of dirty dishes in the sink that you've avoided cleaning. I definitely feel like trying to clean them all at once would be overwhelming to my partner. Any suggestions?

@DavidBaker42 Ай бұрын

Did I miss the link for the negativity threshold stuff?

@freshdwriter2371 2 жыл бұрын

1:56

@concken1 3 жыл бұрын

Be gender normative - it's far more clear.

@TheGrowthMarriage 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah, it can definitely get confusing. Thanks for the feedback.

@julieholt7889 2 жыл бұрын

Unbelievable. Adult man needs girlfriend to *ask for permission* to be his mommy and show him how to have basic personal hygiene. THE BAR IS WAY TOO LOW.

@Kieslowski1 Жыл бұрын

I used to make comments like this on youTube, and years later when someone liked them for some reason and they popped up as a notification, I felt ashamed to read how I used to displace my anger about my own experiences onto others. I hear your pain!

@julieholt7889 Жыл бұрын

@@Kieslowski1 please do not project onto me. I am not displacing anger. This man’s example of the soft start up is hideously embarrassing. Men need to raise the standards for themselves. It is a widely recognized phenomenon that women everywhere are leveling up and are not interested in men who cannot meet them where they are. Men fall behind women when it comes to social-emotional skills. Not only do men need to brush their teeth regularly without a grown-up to supervise them, they are also expected to practice self awareness, self regulation, social awareness, relationship skills and responsible decision making. Men have been making women’s lives miserable for centuries- meanwhile, women have been the prize all along. If a man wants to enjoy all the benefits of having a woman in his life, he needs to raise his own standards or stop complaining about being alone. Your comment only proves my point.

@the.marriage.coach.youtube 11 ай бұрын

You miss the entire point. nothing more to say. @julieholt7889

@Kevin-hy8ok 9 ай бұрын

@@julieholt7889Your comment strikes me as remarkably condescending and hurtful. I hope you find some help in addressing your anger and apparent woundedness.