After 40 years of marriage, we always look at the "marriage" as a third party which we must respect and nurture. I have found that if I treat my wife everyday as if we were on our fist date, things work out beautifully.

Here is Easy Notes 1. No Criticism Criticism is a way of complaining that suggests that your partner's personality is defective. Example (No) "You talked about yourself all through dinner you never asked me anything about my day, what is wrong with you. You are a horrible person" Example (Yes) "You talked about yourself all through dinner you never asked me anything about my day and that hurt my feelings, I really need you to ask me about my day" 2. No Defensiveness Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Example (No) "I don't care about your day" Example (Yes) "I'm really sorry, I should of asked about your day. Please tell me about your day" 3. No Disrespect & No Contempt Disrespect means to show lack of respect or courtesy. Contempt is acting as though your partner is beneath you or not worth your time. It's disregarding someone else's thoughts and opinions or actively displaying scorn for them. No starting conversation with conflict. No negative sarcasm. No negative form of communication. Example (No) "What a jerk, you only talk about yourself. You are not that important" 4. No Stonewalling Stonewalling means to ignore are disregard, forget, neglect, overlook, or to not to give attention to your spouse. 5. Culture of Appreciation Appreciation means when your spouse recognizes something that you've done, it tells you that they noticed and conveys that they appreciate your good deed or kindness. You scan the environment for things you can praise and to give value. Catch your partner doing something right and praise it. Example (Yes) "The food you cooked was really good, I really enjoyed it" "I enjoyed the conversation of dinner" "I watched you playing with the baby last night and it was really beautiful" 6. Understanding Map Understanding relationship map is internal roadmap that in your mind about your partner's inner world, your partner's inner psychological world, your partner is really interested in, it's about knowing what you know who are the main people in your partner's world are, what's stressing your partner out, what gets your partner exciting, what are some of your partner's dreams and hopes and aspirations. You find this values by asking questions. 7. Fondness & Admiration Fondness and Admiration means communicating affection and respect in very small ways. Creating this culture of appreciation in very tiny ways, you say thank you I'm proud of you I really admire you I respect you, and you do it very often. In very small ways you say thank. If you reading this Wish you Many Many blessing

Marriage has caused me to grow up so much. I thank God for my wife everyday.

This guy's a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being "confident" and "high value" and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing "needy" and "desperate", and they're all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.

I'm just here trying to learn to be a better husband. My marriage is overall great. We have our problems like everyone. Finances Is usually a big one. But we work through it as a team on everything. I've only been with my wife for 6 years, but if there is any advice i can give to someone, or a couple, who is having trouble in the marriage, is make sure your spouse is your best friend.. have fun with them. And above all else, tell the truth.

Most of this is much harder for people who grow up in negative or broken families. They have all the worst habits. If you came from a broken family, take time to work on yourself and become the person that you want to be BEFORE you get into a relationship and get married.

Married 50 years this August 21 -2021 what Mr Gottman is saying is pure GOLD for a marriage. We have been thru everything.♥️🥰

6:20 5:1 Ratio of Positive to Negative 😊😊😊😊😊 7:30 Negativity to bring some reality and renewal 8:50 4 BIG NEGATIVES TO AVOID. 10:58 Defensive Whining. 12:02 Disrespect and Contempt. 13:58 + Create a different habit of mind. 14:18 Stonewalling 16:30 +Friendship + Love Maps + Mutual Interest in your partner 21:30 Bids for Love ❤️ 27:00 “I’m Sorry.” 32:10 33:27 Moving from Gridlock to Dialouge 39:09 Women 40:30 Calm Down 44:00 Relationships, Shared Meaning to build Love Affection and Respect ❤

When I was younger I thought a good relationship needed only love . Now I’m convinced that it needs essential work from both sides too . Congratulations on your research!

I literally need to watch this at least once a month!!

I have listened to a lot of relationship advices held by experts, but this is the most fundamental lecture for building up a healthy marriage and partnership.. It applies any where regardless of you ethnicity or believes, it's like a universal code.. Great lecturer..👏👏👏

Gosh that first example of “bidding” broke my heart. I feel like my husband “turns away” more times than not. I don’t think he realizes he does it. But it would be nice if he put effort into being enthusiastic.

I think if there is one starting point all humans could make that would DRAMATICALLY change their relationships, it would be to become ok with feeling hurt. To be able to sit with the feeling and process it first before communicating. Most conflict arises from being hurt but wanting to avoid it by attacking the other person.

1. Culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration. 2. Love maps, and asking open-ended questions. 3. Responding to bids and other attempts to get his/her attention, creating bonds.

Hahah if my husband said “there’s a pretty boat” and i didn’t respond, he’d probably say, baby come see that pretty boat, would you like to go on something like that soon?” 😅 that would get my attention. But this is a beautiful example. We really need to pay attention to our partners like we’d like them to pay attention to us. Many biblical principles on here. Thank you Dr. Gottman

"They create meaning in the way they move through time together" Beautiful summation

"We are much more forgiving to ourselves than we are towards others." 69% of problems in marriage are never resolved. We call this tensions to be managed... John is a master researcher and has helped our work tremendously over the years.

This should be taught in schools.

This was one the best scientific based marriage seminar I've seen. My wife and I problems started long before we got married. I talking like 10 years before we got married. So all of the issues comes from there. But when you realize that your problems are not unique to just you and your spouse but that other couples are going through the exact same things, it gives you hope. When he said he's studied 3,000 couples, I knew our situation was mixed somewhere in there. This was awesome to watch and I'm excited to implement these tips to improve my marriage.

Didn’t have significant pre-marital counseling, but somehow we did a lot of this stuff and it worked. We didn’t have much money, but we used to dream dreams together, especially about travel (knowing full well that 95% of those dreams would never actually happen). She was herself an entire world I got to explore, still a lot of terra incognito to go when she finally went to Jesus. But, hey, lots of sweet memories, no regrets. Or no big regrets.

This is by far the best relationship advice I have ever heard.

I wrote this for myself but if anyone interested: ("The masters" - stay together) ("The disasters" - break up) - The relationship should be: fun, rich in positive things and words, however keep negativity cause you grow and learn from it. but always mostly positive. - The four horsemen of the apocalypse: 1. Criticism: The disasters say in an argument that the partner personality is bad and they make what happend a symptom of the partners personality ("whats wrong with YOU???" ). The masters on the other hand still complain about what is bothering them but they talk about themselves and what they feel and how they would want to be treated and what they need. 2. Defensiveness: The disasters: one way is meeting a complaint with another complaint. The other way is they act like innocent victom, they whine ("I aCtuAlly reaLLy diD caRe aboUt yOur daY 😪☹️😟😥😢😣😖" ) The masters: accept responsibility, even for small things. ("good point", "you right, I actually was stressed out today") 3. Disrespect and Contempt: The disasters: look down on the partner, and you feel: cleaner, smarter... one way of doing that is calling each other names. ("what a jerk! you only talk about yourself! " ) The masters: respect and proud of the people they love, creating a culture of appreciation. Say thank you for very small things they partners are doing ("thanks for making the food" "I enjoyed our conversation " "I watch you playing with the baby last night and it was very beautiful" ). To help with that you could instead of scanning the area for thing to criticize, scan the area for things to praise and appreciate. Also good in child-parent relationships. 4. Stonewalling: emotional escape from conflict. Usually when talking to someone you give signs of listening: facial expressions, noises, head movments. However Stonewalling is when you stand with your arms cross and dont do vocal things and sometimes not looking at your partner. And this is a sign of disaster. In good relationships: -Friendship: intimacy, work on 3 things: 1. love maps - knowing and being interested in your partner (and feeling that the same goes for you), knowing what they like, their values, the people in their life.... you doing that buy asking open ended questions ("how are you feeling about being a nother right now", "how do you like this house? wanna change it? " ). To improve a relationship try changing some statements for questions. 2. Fondness and admiration: again its the culture of appreciation, saying thank you, and I respect you and so on.(It cannot stay in the brain it needs to come out the mouth) 3. Bids, Turning towards: when your partner makes a bid turn towards them and be interested in what they told you. - Repair the coflict: When a conflict ends up bad and unsolved, take a break and come back to it later when you're clam and re-negotiate the conflict. - 69% of coflicts in marriage do not get solved, you just talk about then and learn to live with them and talk about them some more(In a good relationship, that is) - Grid lock problems: Try to find whats hidden underneath the surface, it usually comes from a personal belief in things and values, wich are very very essential to them and to their sense of self and it cannot be compromised (its their personality bones). When you find the dream that hidden, then honore each other dreams. - Gentleness: The 31% of problems that are solvable, the masters "soften the startup", they gently and with respect and appreciation talked about the problem (talking about themselves and what they need). - Accepting influence: saying: "good point ","let me consider this", "tell me more about your opinion" and generally try to honore your wife. (especially needed for men) - Compromis: compromise. - Take a break from a conflict and calm down when feeling physically blood rush. When you have calmed down continue the discussion. - Shared meaning: feel like you building something, and feel like when you are together you have a purpose.

I married just once at age 18. He was 22. We are in our 35th year. He is Neurotypical & I and both of our sons are Autistic. We are struggling, but we keep working toward a better place. We are now both in our 50's and we BOTH survived my natural Menopause even though no physician was able to know it was Premature Menopause. I have to wonder how they diagnose things that NATURALLY occur; I'm only pretty certain they can not.

Enhance your love map. *Communicate Fondness & admiration * Show appreciation *Respect & Affection *Turning Towards *Have a sense of humor during conflict

Excellent. The contempt is huge. When I was in graduate school to become a marriage family counselor I heard this study and thought wow. That was it. I felt such contempt from my ex husband. But hearing this it’s nice to see what to do. How to be a better partner. I’m remarried now and we laugh every day. We have our issues of course but we’re both working every day to understand each other and do better. We’ll never be 100% perfect at our relationship but it doesn’t matter. Because we both respect each other and are willing to change. Thank you.

I think a lot of this stuff works well with friendships and family relationships too. It’s all about communicating and communicating well with other people

I need a translated version of this video in my mother language for my parents to watch this and actually understand. They really need it.

Good watch. 15 years married, been together for nearly 30. Standing at a point that i dont know what the final outcome will be. This video has given me tools and hope.

69% of marital relationships are never solved 😳 facts everyone needs to hear

As I lay here upset. I now feel at peace. Tonight I was really trying to figure out how to get past a bump. We were having a hard time figuring it out. Now I know.

My husband says that I'm a bad driver, that I look like a homeless person, that I better never hide money or steal. It really wears me down. Contempt for sure.

I’ve been stone walling TF out of my wife, and this is eating me up …this is what I needed! She’s not perfect..but she’s worth it.I desire to love my queen with all of my heart! 👑

When I told my partner we need to work on our conflict resolution skills so conflicts don’t blow out of proportion. He says there shouldn’t be any conflict. As much as I like the sound of what he says, I think fights/arguments are inevitable. Now we are separated and I feel no one wants to work on relationships these days. It’s easier to end things.

My husband's blood pressure increased and it made it more difficult for him to cope. When he dealt with the blood pressure, with prescribed medication, he was able to cope again. So his blood pressure, which increased due to age, influenced his behavior. I wonder how often we take into account how physical health affects the health of a relationship. Some difficulties could be influenced positively by addressing medical needs.

This lecture was so helpful that I listened to it from start to finish. Especially those of us who have been married for decades need to be reminded of the importance of being nice and kind to each other. It's so easy to take each other for granted and be dismissive, inconsiderate, inattentive, uncaring and unkind more often than we'd like. I want to strive to be a master, not a disaster married couple as my husband and I go into our senior years together. I hope it's true that the best is yet to be.

Been married nearly 30 years now. Lots of ups and downs along the way. Still look to stay on till death do us part but you’ll can never be too sure. I don’t believe there’s a success formula for everyone because people and circumstances are different. But we all can appreciate some good thoughts and advices time to time.

The best I have ever come across when it comes to relationship building. Thank you Dr. Gottman. It gave me a lot of insights in my relationship and how I can improve it.

Wow, this was awesome! I'll be hanging onto this information and revisiting it to help me self-reflect (and adjust) for years! 😁

This is so helpful not just for couples but for all relationships. My husband and I watched it and it helped our relationship almost instantly. It's important to review this before falling into old habits. So grateful to Dr. Gottman for putting this video out to the world. This is a true example of Tikun Olam in this world. Thank you!

The music at the end was excellent, my favorite part, volume perfect. Blue Collar Lit.

Dr. Gottman thank you so much!! I am now dehydrated from crying so much and looking for something might help to clears my head so I can think if I should give my husband a second chance and I saw this posts and helps me how to deal with it specially in this situation.. I almost call a lawyer for divorce but I bumped to this. Thank you so much! Like really.. u saved this family. More blessings to u and to your family and the rest of the team. Hard worked and great job to u all!

Reciprocation is crucial. Ignoring questions when asked is probably the worst kind of neglect.

Thank you! I wish I had found you 14 years ago.

That was amazing. If I can apply a fraction of these concepts, my marriage would improve dramatically. Thank you.

I have used this video in the class i teach for batterers intervention. I use it for teaching respect in relationships and non violent communication. Thanks for all you do

Thank you so much, this being evidence based work makes it so much more stronger. Being in a world where opinions are more available then anything- such work holds water and helps create the awareness and logic we need to build on our own personal reflection and accountability ! Thank you for your contribution to this topic especially in our current world !

Dr Gottman, your research is very valuable and enlightening. Thank you

The Gottmans are top notch in their field. Congrats on their recent award for 2021 - well deserved!

This is gold. 100% worth taking notes on. Watch it, watch it again, study and practice!

Absolutely loved this! You have transformed the way I see my partner and myself and to put meaning behind actions. Thank you soooo much for doing your work and sharing it.

I can’t remember ever hearing a better relationship talk and I have heard so many. This one combines good science with very accessible and easy to practice tips. Thank you Dr. Gottman. This talk gives me a lot of hope for relationship success and happiness in the second half of my life.

Great presentation! - I watched this initially as preparation for a psychology workshop (becoming a therapist) and ended up enjoying every second of it!

Very great information. These are things you can pinpoint even on a first date or first few dates if it’s going to work out or not. Have you thought about doing a TED talk on this subject? It gives you great insight on relationships. We all wrap our heads around relationship attachments and personalities not so much in the coping of problem solving especially during conflict. The fact that if someone is genuinely interested in you or engaging is something you can learn early on in a relationship. Thank you 🙏🏽

Makes sense I enjoyed listening to Dr John will try to incorporate some of those practices in my marriage

Oh my word. How much I am grateful for your research!

Thank you for posting this video. I learned so much!

I also love that these ideas for connecting and showing love and compassion apply to your children as well. Brilliant as always-

Amazing, going to watch again. Not only did he know what he was talking about but he was able to explain it to a level were 5 year old could understand.

One of the best speaches I've ever heard on relationships. I never heard the ideas and examples he has given. Great approach. TY

So I'm currently having a fight with my partner and googled how to save a marriage and got this video. 😂😂 awesome advice. 🤞🏼 fingers crossed

Refreshing to see research that looks at what makes it work, much more informative than the opposite.

22:10 Haha the smiles on those men's faces after he said that

Best info EVER! Beautifully delivered..clear, concise, joyful, compassionate! Thank you Dr. John!!!

Thank you Dr Gottman. I found this informative and useful.

Incredibly helpful thank you! It all makes sense very insightful.

25 years married and wow we have really survived life great

I am going to listen this over and over while taking a note😳. All on point and has a healing power.

so much truth here for helping restore marriages! Thanks Dr. Gottman!

This was a confirmation that my relationship is on the right track and provided tools to enrich it. Thank you

that apartment lab should be turned into a museum! Thank you Dr Gottman

This changed a lot in me, but also it made a lot of sense to m failures. Wow. Thanks. This was the best guide ever. I needed this.

Thank you so much for this incredible, powerful, and helpful presentation. Practical take-aways!

This man is a genius! I also appreciate his teaching skills.

I thought, If I listen to this 14y back, My relationship would be much more joyful. Thank you. Very informative lecture

Great advice. Being humble instead of falling for the "empowered" approach. Love it.

I have been following Gottman for years and I am so happy he has expanded in this talk on his relationship research. In the past I have been appreciative about the four horsemen, but I am so excited he is sharing more info on what couples can do to become masters. I have also always found the "bidding" info very helpful. I was a lab assistant for Levinson at Berkeley years ago with his emotion research so I can honestly say their research is invaluable.

Probably the best youtube video I ever watched! 100% worth 47 minutes of your time! Every person in the world should watch this seminar! Shout out to Dr. Kirk Honda for introducing the gottman theory in my life!

I'm am highly disappointed in myself I should have been listening to this man years ago

Thank you for your amazing profound findings, brought tears 🙏❤️

Outstanding presentation. Simple elegant clever scientific funny and offering super understandings. Bravo, Doctor Gottman

Excellent talk! I look forward to using this information in relationships of all types. P.S. The music volume at the end was overkill [Ouch].

This is by far the best video on the subject I've ever watched. Dr. Gottman's books are also well worth a read (or two). Talk about logical and attainable goals couples can strive for to improve connection, knowledge about one another, respect, admiration, intimacy and romance. The Holy Grail of videos! Thank you so much for making this video available!

This was really informative and easy to apply, Thank you Dr. Gottman

I think these ideas are essential in all human interactions, although taking responsibility for giving, connecting, and appreciating someone comes more easily with special people!

Best relationship advice I've ever come across, life changing really.

A really great video. It's easy to forget how easy it is to make things easier.

This is very to the point and helpful. Thank you very much Dr. Gottman. I'm going to use these tips with my friends, family and potential love connections ❤️

The single most important thing to consider about what is presented here is the mental/emotional health of the people involved. Only healthy individuals are cabable of a healthy relationship. Those with mental/emotional health issues are only going to infect their relationships and ultimately bring them to failure . BOTTOM LINE Get some basic understanding of mental/emotional health. Get yourself healthy FIRST, then you can recognize the health status of the person you are interested in. Otherwise failure is guaranteed.

Remember; for every act of insulting or hurting your partner, you need 5 acts of kindness and appreciation to offset that one act.

A great research. It was the most effective, beautiful advise. Thank you Dr. John Gottman

Wow! I'm impressed and thankful for this great speech. I think it is very helpful. You have a fantastic and funny way to share your thoughts 🤗🤗🙏

THIS. Should be on continuous play for me!

This made me feel so sad 😞 I don't know what I'm lacking, I've expressed explicitly my needs, emotionally and needing to feel secure and I feel worse than ever, after 2 years of therapy. I thought I meant more than this.

It’s really not so complicated, people. Honor and respect your partner. Help them to work toward their dreams and goals. Your job is to know, accept, and cherish them. Earn their trust, every day. If you can’t do these things, have the kindness and good sense to get out of their way. In addition to Gottman’s books, I recommend Five Languages of Love (Gary Chapman) and Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson).

Very valuable information that every couples should watch to regain the love and respect back in a relationship.

Amen’thank you Dr.Gottman for this Inspiring Nourishing Talk on Marriage Relationship.Thank you Lord,continue to Bless all Couples around the world.Amen 🙏

I first came to know about john gottman through "the armchair expert " within 2 min of hearing him speak i was in!! I searched for a while for more ways to hear him and was unsuccessful until today. So happy. I have begged my husband to listen to the episode on armchair to no avail. I love my husband of 18 years . I love him so much but he is distant emotionally checked out yet I know he isn't going anywhere and loves me as well . I think he is just an emotional cripple. He sincerely doesn't realize there is another way to be. How do you enlighten someone who has no clue there is anything wrong?

This video is an eye opener. Thanks dr. Gottman.

Omg I cried listenin to this I just want to thank you for this I was having such a hard time explaining what I meant to my kids father and this will help so much we are at a grid lock I'm hopin this helps us

This is what I call wisdom. The best video I ever watched. Thanks so much Dr.