It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

This is true. I have been dumped by a FA who terminated on a whim(to me) and was super kind for a month or two saying we can be friends, breadcrumbing and I am in love and it just keeps dragging looking like she will come back one day then looking like she will never talk to me again another. I think it is best to move on from this type of relationship- but much easier said than done when you're in love.

​@@gd3598same same

@@gd3598I had a FA do the same exact thing. Said we could be friends afterwards. Then wouldn’t even reply to my texts when I asked her to return something she borrowed from me when we were together lol. I even tried to send out a more friendlier text asking how she was doing and if she could at least leave my stuff on the porch so I could get it at a time she wasn’t home if she still needed space. Nothing. Like wow you can’t even be bothered to acknowledge let alone return my shit that doesn’t belong to you. What a fucking joke. People like that you can’t trust anything they say. Unfortunately their word means very little. I’m honestly questioning if the version of her in our relationship was even really who she was at this point. Extremely disrespectful I wouldn’t even want to be friends with her now let alone actually want her back as a romantic partner

How would you fix this then using her advice in video?

Thats exactly what I heard " I realized I am not able to fulfill your expectations" I was like WTF what expectations?

What would an FA want exactly to help them get over this fear? Or is there nothing we can do 😢

​@@henryzhao4622 My ex left me after I said he needed to get help or we needed couples counseling because things weren't working out as they were. He said he's too maxed out with other serious life challenges to work on himself. Just 2 weeks prior, he said he was going to get help because he wanted to fight for us. He expected me to change my life, behaviors, the way I spoke, etc so as not to trigger him, basically putting his unresolved traumas on my shoulders to carry. And my request for him to take some responsibility because the burden was too much, it was too big of an expectation. I believe he also took it as an ultimatum and that I was about to end it, so he beat me to it. I was ill prepared for his reaction. It's been over 5 weeks, and I haven't heard a peep from him. To answer your question, I don't think there's anything we can do. I did everything I could so he wouldn't get triggered and it didn't work. He became ever more jealous, suspicious, triggered and controlling. Then when it exhausted me and my light dimmed, he wasn't happy with that either. He at least recognized it was due to him, but he lost attraction nevertheless, because of what I was doing and putting up with to try to make him feel safe and comfortable. He knew I was walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that would trigger him and turn into days of him having extreme jealousy and anxiety. Anyways, I believe the FA attachment style, more than any other insecure types, need to do some level of work and take some responsibility. Otherwise, we end up in a position where, no matter what we do or don't do, we simply cannot win. My ex was an extreme FA. He swung extreme to and from avoidance to anxious. The fact that he loved me was all it took to scare the crap out of him and hit on all of his triggers, insecurities, wounds and unresolved traumas. The closer we got, the worse he got. He became enmeshed and emotionally reliant on me in his last anxious phase, which scared and stressed him out so bad, he cut and run to beat me at what he perceived as potential rejection. I'm also FA, leaning heavily anxious. He really trampled on my abandonment wound, so as much as I miss him and want him back, I won't reach out and wouldn't take him back if he reached out right now. Me also being FA has helped whenever he pulled back since it scared me and caused me to pull back also. I know I won't ever initiate contact, especially since he broke up with me. And I don't think he will, either, especially since he refused to work on himself and I stood firm in that being a requirement in order for us to continue.

Thank you a lot for your work

Do you recommend reaching out to start this conversation at the 3-4 week mark or wait and see if the FA reaches out during that time?

​@@sarahn6230IMO, and from my experience, if they were the dumper, wait.

I'm an FA as well, and I can totally relate to your ex. I get soooo annoyed when the guy gets jealous. It makes me wanna run for my life. Partly because I know I wouldn't cheat. And I also want to be sure that I won't have to change my lifestyle too much - at least not immediately. It also stems from the need to have a safety net. I wouldn't like the guy I'm seeing to think that I don't have other options. I don't want to feel trapped and be taken for granted. There you have it - all the reasons. FA's are no piece of cake... approach with caution.

@@valerial7550 Thanks for your take on it! I've been really trying to understand her actions, because I don't like to think she had bad intentions. But it didn't help that I knew she had cheated on most of her previous exes as a way to get out of those relationships... She told me she wouldn't do that to me, and I believed her, but to me, there's other ways to cheat than just physically. Her talking to those other guys and her exes, and trying to hide it or at least be very shady about it when I asked, made it seem suspicious and feel like a betrayal of our emotional bond. Like she was building a stronger bond with some of those guys than she appeared to be willing to build with me... I realize this could be seen as jealousy and kind of offputting, but I feel like one should be able to respectfully and calmly express ones boundaries and concerns in a healthy relationship. Also, if she had been open about the whole thing and communicated her need for space directly, I wouldn't have worried about it so much. In the end, I probably did act a bit jealous or clingy, because I could feel her slipping away more and more... But instead of talking about it, she just broke up with me. Told me she felt suffocated and that we were just not right for each other... As an FA yourself, do you think she would ever reconsider? As in, become open to talking about the situation, coming to a mutual understanding and maybe reviewing her decision? Or is an FA's word final? I went no contact immediately after the break-up (2 weeks ago), gave her the space she wanted. But I find myself missing her a lot and hoping we could still work it out. To me, nothing happened that couldn't be discussed and improved easily. But it takes two to make a relationship work...

@@PieterFret Not all FA's do what you mentioned your ex did to you. I'm a FA myself, If I feel unsafe, threaten or "suffocated" I will , yes, shut down and withdraw or end the relationship (I have learned to communicate my needs better but if after trying, I do not see changes and consistency then I will walk away). I do not start talking to other guys, etc.. if I'm still with someone, I'm very aware I wouldn't like that being done to me (I believe values and morals play a role in this too). what you described here, seems to be a pattern and one that she may not even be aware of and if she is, she may not know how or care enough to change. Your feelings are totally understandable and It seems like you did the right thing. Anyone in your situation would have felt disrespected and unsafe. Yes, she may reconsider but the question is, do you really want her back? Patterns are very hard to change - it takes consistent introspection, self-responsibility, humility, empathy and true self-motivation to change and it takes time and consistency. Consider how hard it is to work on and heal your own wounds and I'm thinking you have been very motivated to do so.

@@PieterFret Yes, she could possibly reconsider, but you need to stick to no contact, and if she initiates communication again, be friendly but let her start chasing you this time. Don't miss the moment if it comes. If you start deactivating when she activates, that will be the end of it. The good part is that actually FA's really crave deep connection, we just don't know how to get there.

@@valerial7301 Thank you! So you don't think reaching out to her myself around the 3-4 week mark, as Thais suggests, would be very helpful? I just have a feeling she would have a hard time getting herself to contact me, even if she wanted to. But maybe that's just my anxious mind trying to get me to break no contact ;p

for boundaries not being explicitly verbally specified, the medium used for showing makes for the message then. indeed, lots of www-pop psych. advice does figuratively resemble plumbing or other technical triage heuristics. by ppl. who'd be challenged to follow trough even a most logical resasonable argument.

She has them in the course

we had a feeling! - PDS team

I

how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?

​@sadcowboycat1995 Also interested in hearing!

Yeah, that’s interesting. Saying she changed doesn’t sound very FA. When I figured out her self sabotaging issues and where many of the came from, she couldn’t bear to face them. And since I wanted a compromise she wouldn’t do that because knowing she was the problem would be too overwhelming

how accurate is the 3-4 weeks mark for the feelings hitting you? what is that time like: uncontrolled sobbing or just missing them? provided the FA did the breaking up, what is a better course, waiting for them to make the move or contacting them?

@@adamwood87 Well not everyone is the same some ppl might start initially missing them but then it not fully hit for another 4 weeks. You should reach out bc they might not due to not wanting to be rejected or if they do they'll still be confused emotionally. I think that was mentioned in another video the FA being less successful in trying to reconcile after a breakup do to not having emotionally regulated so not understanding what they want and need still but just reacting.

@@jclyntoledo i posted that a year ago, i was able to come to my senses about the correct course of action during that time.

@@adamwood87 What was your correct course of action for this? I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile with my FA, currently only under a week after a blindsided break up (he did it out of nowhere). I want things to work and I'm also working on myself, but I don't want to chase him away and I want to help him heal by showing him attachment theory when we decide to see each other again.

@@electranorwood4798 put simply, what i was talking about was accepting that she didn't/doesn't want to be with me, and even though it's painful, i can't change her mind. i can't make someone want to be with me. if your ex comes back, that's the time to grow as a couple. in the meantime, you can only control what you do. furthermore, i recognize that if someone has a good enough reason to come back to me, they never had a good enough reason to leave, and i don't want to be with someone who left me for no good reason. take care of yourself, Electra.

You're so welcome - PDS team

thanks for your comment - PDS team

Who broke up? Whats your attachment style?

any update?

How's it going? Hope all is well

any update? how are you two

@Billy B yeah

Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge? Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation, hope you are doing well

@@rebeccav7420 "Is your ex addressing the insecure attachment at all, to your knowledge?" She never, ever spoke of seeing a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or similar. I gently encouraged her toward it as we got to know eachother more and more deeply, and shared personal experiences throughout my childhood where it helped immensely to speak and work with somebody who knew how to help; she would respond positively to that, but only in a vague "That sounds cool! I'll look into it. :)" sort of way that I learned to associate with her never following through with things. She has since cut ties from me. Over time she went from telling her mother that I "get her" better than any other guy she's met before, to her trying to act like we had never meant anything special to eachother. In the aftermath, I felt like I was on the receiving end of both sides of the song Somebody That I Used To Know -- from "you didn't have to cut me out / pretend it never happened / and that we were nothing" to "now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over / but had me believing it was something that I had done." It got to the point where neither of us wanted to start a confrontation and yet only one of us wanted to work on it... So ultimately I said that I "lower-case l" loved her enough to let her go, and stopped trying to push the Sisyphean stone any further than that. She strongly identifies with / hides behind the fact that she's a Scorpio, "and Scorpios are very secretive people," so she merrily used that as an excuse to disappear, lie by omission, put on new masks, and so on. Now I just see that as her costume for fearful avoidant behavior. Three out of four of her serious relationships before me were with emotionally abusive guys, and even when speaking of her parents, she said "my parents can become quite toxic at times." So, she's got a lot of weeds to clear out of that back lot, so to speak. Meanwhile, my relationships with friends and family are better than they've ever been, and I know that I'll be making my own Happily Ever After whether I'm with a partner or not. I'll hush up now; I don't mean to gobble up your time, so I don't expect anything in response. Continued best wishes to you, though. I'm super thankful to have found your channel! ^‿^

I’ve always wanted to know this answer! Great question!

Agreed. Excellent question. I am an FA, and left a sexually compatible but emotionally unavailable DA. In that context I was more invested. Now I’m with an AA, he’s amazing but I feel a bit suffocated and I’m not quite as viscerally attracted to him. I am not sure if my avoidant tendencies are emerging due to attachment styles or if he is not right for me.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that as a FA, your attachment style is what makes you incompatible with most people. Unless you are very self aware and willing to communicate clearly, listen to your partner and actually work on the relationship instead of giving in to that feeling you have to run away when there's a problem. Otherwise, you won't ever stay with anyone, because there's no such thing as the perfect relationship. I think it's very important to look at your own history and recognize your patterns. Act from rational reflection, not from fear and emotion. Don't make decisions when you're feeling triggered. I think that could help.

Pieter Fret- I think you’re absolutely right. My AA and I (FA), just started Imago couple’s therapy and having a therapist point out and reflect back our core wounds to us, has been totally transformative in our relationship.

@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Well done! You're taking important steps towards healing your core wounds, and it's so important to be able to do that with the support and understanding of your partner. I just wish my FA ex would've been prepared to work together on our attachment difficulties (I'm AA) instead of just giving up and leaving...

There is a podcast it's just not super active at the moment. But you can find it by searching “The Personal Development School” on apple podcasts - PDS team

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool do you have any books too?

@@valscabrera7659 www.amazon.com/Attachment-Theory-Guide-Strengthening-Relationships/dp/1646115457/ref=sr_1_12?dchild=1&qid=1601828620&refinements=p_28%3AAttachment+Theory&s=books&sr=1-12

Did she answer you.

@@camillod734 yes it says above ❤

What ended up happening?

Nothing. She aint hmu at all. I havent hit her up either

Sorry man. I'm talking to mine too close to when she ended it and I feel I am doing more harm than good to our relationship. She's so cold. Just says she wants to keep talking to "get to know me better." I don't know man. It's scary how they shut down. It's as if what you meant, you no longer mean. AT ALL. Better to do what you are doing I think. Because their tone toward you will break you as an anxious person. I too am anxious and this is awful

Trust me, this os far far far from simple to fix. FA's have the most core wounds, the most complicated characters, the least likely to want or recognise the need to change and have the most difficult journey to becoming secure. They can do it but it is probably the most difficult challenge of their life as to change themselves they must overcome their subconcious.

@@Fuji_Investments he needs to be transparent with the FA?...What about the FA?...Wheres their transparency?

I was about to write the same thing, thank you!

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gctjq9GH2d2cf30.html

Keep working @ it

Be straight about what you've done, apologize, express that you would have done differently had you thought beforehand.

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gctjq9GH2d2cf30.html

I feel this. They create you in their mind, they don't see the person you are as you stand beside them

This ! We need to know

any update on this? did they reach out? when you did you reach out?

Yeah. There is no attempt to try. You accept what you are given. Same way it was for me. I'm sorry. It's painful. Probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. You love them, you try for them and they don't care because of their contradicting defense mechanisms. It's impossible.

@@jamesgraves9858 it's so frustrating, because all i would need is a little more communication and i could accept that she is FA.. but she can't and isn't willing to work on it, and i know you can't help someone if thry're not willing to help themselves.

If you feel he’s worth it, don’t avoid it. Go for it, fight for him. You might just find yourself finding happiness

​@@afonsolucas2219 really? Or piece of work, where you will always be the adult one

Is it good to go no contact ? For fas ??

Did she ever come back?

@@tyleryoung306 nope never talked me again and it’s been a little over a year lol

This is a personal perspective based on your experience. You have to remember that attachment styles really lie on a spectrum, depending on how much the person has done work on themselves so in your experience, the person might be horrible to deal with, but that doesn’t mean that all people lean towards a fearful attachment, or any of the insecure attachments are impossible to work with

I am an FA , and I totally agree with you. I’ve got some other categories as well. Secure, anxious and dismissive avoidant are also included. You can reunite with an ex, no mater what attachment style. The problem is, most people don’t change. You can give them another chance, but if you find out they haven’t changed, you need to move on.

Agreed

I don't think all of them are beyond hope. That's rather unfair

Well said

not too late. The FA I still love has come back after 16 months, then after 14 months ..in between that time he would try to reach out on social media, but I didn't move in until he'd try to directly message me or call. Well, guess what, he is doing the distancing again and it's been 1 month since we've spoken. Our first no contact I decided to end it bc I wasn't happy with his indecisiveness and I told him. I had no idea he was FA. Second no contact, he just started getting "busy" with work and basically I left him alone and didn't say anything. Then he came back this past March. It can get really exhausting. I'm learning to address my needs when and if he reaches out, because I cannot continue to do these cycles.

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rtN7YMdhrt7QoIE.html

I veered from being mostly secure into a very AP style mindset when my D leaning FA started deactivating. I tried to remain calm and mature, and did request politely that my needs in a healthy relationship be acknowledged and honored. I honestly just wanted my love languages of words of affirmation and quality time. He would reply to my asks that I sounded like I was 'begging for a handout' in a very rude way. One time I asked via text and he just flat out said that his brain didn't work like that so I'd get what I get. These incidents were the beginning of me choosing to walk away but it was, and sometimes still is ... very difficult.

She talks about what to look for in secure people in the course

Then why are you here, she told in the beginning of the Video when to consider it

You should do that then ❤️.