My God they are horrible. Amazing the excuses that people give for them, and the zero self-esteem it shows in repeatedly taking them back. They are shallow, dishonest, dismissive, gas lighting, critical, etc. And that's the SHORT list of red flags.

This was a great video! Thank you! You touched on this a bit, and mentioned you might make a video about this as well, but I would love to hear your perspective on pornography. I’m currently in a separation process from my husband who is addicted to porn which is one of the main reasons I’m leaving. This impacts our sex life and I believe he is a DA as well. I’m FA, but really working hard on changing this and healing as this is not the first time I’m in a relationship with someone who is a porn addict. It’s a pattern for me. Or not, not sure as I discovered by joining multiple support groups that porn addiction is like a pandemic. It’s everywhere, especially with new technology (AI stuff that you can create a gf and get into some really nasty stuff with them). I’m lost and terrified as I realize more and more that this is a serious problem and affects relationships and marriages. It is total disconnect. If you could speak more on this topic and if this would be relevant to a DA that would be great. Thanks for everything you do! ❤

It’s hard to envision how to put this amazing information into practice when it’s a husband of 8 years and we have a 1 year old… we still live together and are trying to “stay together for the kids” but it’s becoming a roommate/situationship…

I feel like you just crawled inside my head. I had no clue that things that I never considered that big a deal from a childhood could impact me so much as an adult.

Can the avoidant take more than 5 months to resurface and reach out?

Great. That's my fault too

Dismiss avoidant ve an empty cup they ve nothing to give, whenever they give you something, no level of apreciation is enough....they ll always remember what they gave. They don't give from a genuine place they give as a way to give meaning to their existence and to prove they are worthy... If you criticize them in someway or let them know about something that you disliked they ll weaponise everything they did for you to let you know that you don't ve the right to complain.... They always think you want to take something from them... They can't be pressured in no way....your desired for them is pressure You wanting to spend time with family is pressure They are obsessed with their independence and everything that may threathen it to a disfunctional level.... They really ve a hardtime accepting your feelings cause they pretty much don't accept theirs.... They hate to be controled yet they resort to controling behaviour often in a way to gain power.... They ve a hard time accepting reality making them prone to resentment or projection Is not their falt but is neither yours....you really need to like them very very much to be able to ve a relationship with them.

Why did I slap him 2 in Last Fri night? My amazing experience with “FAPD ”: To be honest, he is my favorite type of man. Although he is very ordinary。 BTW: I am a Chinese reporter and writer, and I have interviewed countless men of all kinds, but he is an absolute Unicorn. Well, maybe I'm different from most Sisters, Generally: I Never, never bother or MSG Bomb to him ( Only last Nov I went crazy 20days) , OR ask for Hugs, Kisses and Sex, we both are Christians, And he enjoyed my sharing of interesting reporter and writer experiences about China！I also gave him all the tenderness, consideration and naughtiness that a woman can give. That's all. 👉BTW: still , he's a great virgin.We have met each other for 14 months。 So, He should't be feeling any pressure, right？but somehow he's still so Upset and Anxious. 👉the Sadness lies in: Every time we met it was joy and happiness！ Every time we say Goodbye... I have a premonition that winter is coming again.... 👉I ONLY have 2 seasons after Meeting him. Although my heart screams in pain like a wounded beast, my face still had calm and naughty smile - BCZ it's protect my own, OR it is the last Dignity of a lady. Moreover, he seem enjoy to Stood me up many times, .And I accepted it with patience again, look like Nothing seems to have happened...Although he Never explained the reason. But just after 10 days, he Suddenly blocked me 2 times without any Reason or even just ONE word.... He Turned into an Bottomless ice cave again___This barbaric and disrespectful act made me fall down! 👉In 5.17.2024 at my "Cozy place, North York fall", he even sent ambiguous MSG to his Bla GF in front of me (Although I know that FAPD is good at Lying&Acing, he has LOST the most basic Respect for me!) I'm sorry Father: I was Completely Broken Finally, I beat him hard 2 slaps __ It's the First time in my life that I had hurt someone. I could clearly saw a few finger prints on the bridge of his nose From white to red ! But it's strange, why is there no blood? He had so many "I don't Deserve it", but this time he was so Worthy! I don't feel any guilt about it, BCZ he deserves to be repaired and taught a lesson like this,Hopefully he'll be Woken up from now on ！ 👉At the time, I gave him the Most unforgettable Gift in his life: What call "Complete kindness"? What that LOVE is？ Bcz my doctor and friends encouraged me to call 911, bcz that jerk he also left several bruises on half of my shoulder ... I was willing But I'm sorry, I can't. I choose to be silent, bcz he's a patient, bcz we once loved each other (although I never confessed), and for a devout Christian lady: ALL the tears &pain, our God already knew, He will put it away Become a Blessing in the future. So, let me forgive him "70 times"_ It's God's command. Forgiving him means forgiving myself ！ Also it means: A beautiful and romantic Love story, which can ONLY Happen between two Mentally Healthy men and women! May God bless everyone ! 回避型5个骗自己的谎言： kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fqegntqaqt_Fe2w.html

Great awareness and a warning to us all

Just happened to me with someone I met casually, he was so attentive for a few weeks. Then boom, nothing but occassional reactions to my social media for over a month. Then comes the late night wyd lol nah bro I'm going to bed...without you. I said I'd be glad to go to coffee and catchup sometime instead. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again😂smh

Sometimes FAs do this and end up losing someone that in reality they truly love and have shared values with. Sometimes addiction be involved as well by the FA. It's an extremely hard lesson to the FA when the person being breadcrumbs finally breaks it off for reals, having had enough. I'm in counseling now, attending NA meetings, for me, but keeping hope that she'll reach out again. We do have lots of good memories and there was a lot of love and affection on both sides. Incredible waste.

Thank you so much for this !

I think alot of times they come back after things go wrong with who they dumped you for. Personally i think thats also why avoidants dont give you any reasons or closure alot of the times. They are guilty for what they are doing to you but at the same time the like leaving the options open. When things go wrong with who they dumped you for, they start to feel things but more for themselves than you, and so they return

hello. Can you explain why they act hot and cold when they come back? My ex came back after 3 weeks of no contact and she said how much she missed me and how much she loves me etc but out of nowhere 2 days after she started acting cold again and didnt want to talk to me. Why do they do that?

The better question is, "Do you want to take someone back who can't be trusted to be there when you really need them, and only appears when its convenient for themselves?"

I am sorry but i have lost my trust on an avoidant... Treating me like crap then leaving me then coming back 6 months and a relationship later... And leaving yesterday after a month...God so draining i don't deserve to be treated like that from a person i love...I am a secure person but being around her made me feel like a bag of trash... All of that while saying she is scared of losing me and that she wanted to make things work out... Manipulative enough for my first ever relationship... Had the audacity to say let's keep in touch even though she knows that she made me feel like that

Avoidanta treat the people who love them like trash. Can we stop doing these false hope ex return narratives and actually talk about healing, life improvement, and letting go?

They become complacent in the lies they have Smug, and Then start a new Struggle again......

So my ex(she ended things) came back into my life after I said I needed some time and space. It had been a solid 5 months with no contact and contrary to what many coaches say that the reach out will be indirect, this was incredibly direct. She came into my place of work(cafe) to get a drink completely out of the blue. It was polite and cordial so I decided to reach out myself and sent a message just asking how she was. I never got a reply. Incredibly frustrating and truthfully it hurt. Then a month later she’s back in on her day off and we chatted lightly on how we were and what we’ve been up to. I don’t understand this behaviour. Why come in and talk to me but ignore my message. A friend said she was just using me for validation and I was naive for thinking otherwise but I’m struggling to not empathise. I know breakups are painful for both parties involved. Boy us humans are complicated 😅

Im exhausted so exhausted that my exhaustion is exhausted. I cant

All exes regardless of attachment style try coming back. I can't say the same for women because I don't think I've ever pursued an ex personally. Either way, as long as we ended on a good note, I'm fine with being friends. I likely won't want anything romantic though. There's only one man in my 40 plus years that I am open to try again and it's because he's my best friend and the sweetest man and yes...an avoidant. Lol But he respects my boundaries and need for space without pushing me for more while also being extremely loving and supportive and that's a very attractive quality to me. I have a busier life than most so I can't commit to a relationship that requires a lot of my time. I think we meet each others needs and that's why it works and if I am overwhelmed with life and need to be distant for a bit there's never an issue.

I remember dating a suspected DA woman some years ago. We were in a two year relationship and she just broke things off suddenly, friend zoning me. I went no contact and started talking to other women and she showed up several months later wanting to "hang out." I asked her when she was available and she was so vague I told her to call me up when she got her schedule figured out. I continued to see other women, while she called me for a few months trying to get together. This allowed me to observe her behavior rather than the investment into the relationship itself. Funny, we not only never got around to getting together, I ended up running into her in a restaurant a few years later where she ranted about how her live in boyfriend was more in love with her than she was with him. 🫠

What about Avoidants like me who have been deep in doing the work and have made significant behavioural changes...I didn't do any of those things you mentioned. I committed myself to real therapeutic work along with EMDR treatment. I didn't fallback into any of those patterns. I'm not curious or want to hang out with her. I want us to be a couple. Together as one. A real, substantive, relationship that allows me to offer the best of myself, where we can work through challenges together, learn more about each other, give all of myself to her. That's where I'm at. How do I go about repairing with her? I'm ready to step into this way of being.

2.5 months. Fearful not dismissive. We only dated a few weeks but it was incredibly intense. I felt a connection more intense than I ever have. She felt the same. We are both demisexual, never had much interest in others except for each other. I honestly have never felt attracted to someone else, to be honest. She said the same. And I could tell the truth and surprise and bewilderment in everything she said. She said she didn’t know it was supposed to feel like this. We both came out in the last few years, we’re in our late 40’s so we know what we want. I am secure, leaning anxious sometimes if Im not feeling well, but with only a fraction of the typical attributes. She is FA and seemed to get more scared as we got closer and her anxiety got worse. Then we had a little spat, I was shocked and had no idea what to do, and before I knew it she was gone. Blocked me. This was mid march and I am starting to give up hope…because on instinct I know that what we would have together would be spectacular. She did say she wasn’t sure if she was ready, and she wanted us to both heal more. I enrolled in the PDS school and have been working on the courses that have to do with me first. But 2.5 months. No word. No update. I don’t even know if she’s okay. I have no way to contact her. I have been heartbroken for nearly three months.

Go no contact with avoidant ex’s. No reason to fight for someone who didn’t want to fight for the relationship and do the work on themselves to heal those fears 💯

As an FA I have trouble missing my partner. If I haven’t been able to feel safe yet in the relationship then I will not miss them.

I don't believe that a DA or even FA would invest that kind of time into video games. Sure they could turn to video game for hour or two avoid a difficult conversation or situations or turn on TV or such. If one is staying up all night playing video games that is something else. As autistic man, I can tell you that I do that because video game are a special interest. If I get the new game which doesn't even have actually be new just new on Steam or Console and I'll play it hours. I picked up an old Silent Hill game that I played on P2 in late 90s. Play that for 9 hours straight. Now I might tell some I doing that to be avoidant, that's autistic masking. Letting someone believe it's some sort of attachment wound and I'm dismissive avoidant is more acceptable to people than to tell I was diagnosed on spectrum in grade 3. Psychology is also special interest so I know a lot things I can mask behind that I feel are more acceptable. What more is I know this about myself, a lot people are undiagnosed as on spectrum would not even understand their autistic masking and would do this same thing only they'd believe they are a DA if someone told them. All I know is DA is convenient addition to my autistic mask. If someone points out they think I'm DA, which I think is really rude to make guesses but I'll take it and let them think that instead of letting know the reality of my experience which they can't understand most don't even care to understand. .

How do I know he’s avoidant vs just not that interested but pretends to be

This personality type is to complex move on

We sensitive souls have a tendency to assume all blame ,no matter how spectacular we are throughout any of our relationships. What we fail to see is that sometimes it is truly not us but perhaps the other person who has some issues to work through and are not emotionally mature enough to be able to verbalize this . Anytime things don't work out ,don't assume all the blame but take it as an opportunity for growth. Refining yourself like a stone in a rock tumbler. Bit by bit , until we shine to a degree that we are content with ourselves.

Yep. I worked on it. I tried several times to communicate that what was happening wasn’t enough for me. I did it gently and consistently. He met me with sarcasm, gaslighting and anger. The last time he talked over me, shouted and ended things. I was distraught for two hours and then moved on. The sadness and intensity of my grief for that window of time reflected the deep love I had for him and all that was good about him. I am still sad some moments but I know deep in my core that I am worthy and valuable and breadcrumbing isn’t for me. We are not out of each others lives completely but we just realized we are not a match. Hi hello bye. That’s all going forward. He is avoidant. I am secure. It just can’t work when someone isn’t willing to heal.

Violeta Out. What she was doing was so toxic but I could deal with that - what I couldn't do is that she really refused to understand that secure way is a good way xD lol xD everything secure was absolutely shocking for her to understand

My ex initiated saying I love you after 12 weeks and said it every week with very much feeling....but he never let me into his life fully. At the end he said he felt very emotional and was overwhelmed with a family death and a birthday milestone. He said he didn't deserve me and had wasted so much time. 5 weeks later he abruptly ended it after a normal day holding hands...said he loved me! Very confusing....and absolutely shocking to be on the receiving end.

I literally disappear when they breadcrumb me. Never regretted it in my entire 36 years, I’m still single but I know knowing my worth will bring the man that truly values me not these weakos

Sooooo many lightbulbs have gone off here! Also watching this video I learned I’m slowly evolving into a more secure attachment style 😳 Who knew 🤷🏽‍♀️ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE HEP YOU GIVE!!!❤

Thank you for your content. :) Where can I find the free download for the "needs" form?

DA prioritizing video games is simply time spent alone for solitude and to decompress as being vulnerable with a partner about things instead will not come naturally to fear of vulnerability.

Meh, I just prefer gaming to relationships. Also, if most relationships don’t last what is the point of getting into them?

You said, we were going to discuss how to have conversations to mitigate this in a healthy way.... that was not in here... can you please link and tag me in that video? Thank you

Unfortunately for Dismissive Avoidants they suppress their emotions and it is well known that they don't have a lot of memories - and don't make a lot of memories because a memory formation requires attachment to emotion, which is what is lacking. That's why you'll find them very vague on their past - they just don't have the memories..... which I found profoundly sad in the person I dated. My first alarm bell was my first meeting with this Avoidant I embarked on a relationship with. I reached out first for a hug which lasted a few minutes. I made the first physical move to this complete stranger that I had met on a dating app. Later into our relationship I asked him about the hug which was quite an unusual move for a woman to do that first, and to hug like that for minutes. This avoidant man had NO MEMORY of this occurrence. In hindsight it helped me to move on and let go of wishing we had a different outcome - as I recognized how sad I'd feel to have a all my most moving memories that were not going to be shared with a partner who would have numbed and suppressed himself so that he didn't have them

I'm about to break up with him.

I had been addicted to playing video games to escape reality for almost 30 years after a traumatic childhood. It took a few mushroom trips to realize I was worth more and was wasting my life. OK, it wasn't quite as simple as that, but they did open my eye to the abuse I had been accepting from family, friends, and loved ones. Once the abuse became clear I immediately stopped playing video games as fore some reason I just didnt have have the need to escape reality anymore. I was able to actualy accept reality and start making changes for the better.

Does this also apply to someone who is DA - FA on the spectrum?

I have no idea what she needed, we never had an argument in 18 months of dating…. Then one day, the day after a fun, lovely and passionate date, she sent me a blindside, discard TEXT… Never saw it coming….

I’m sorry you feel that way about yourself Caroline. I’ve been in therapy for awhile & my deep wound is that I don’t deserve to be loved. The thing is you are lovable or the relationship wouldn’t have started to begin with. You just gatta learn to love yourself the way you love others & learn to stop sabotaging your relationships. That said I doubt every relationship ended because of you. 🙏🏼❤️‍🩹

This is good, i dont do a whole lot of dating but im glad i come off more secure than i may feel sometimes. Because I do all of those things, but i feel like theres got to be some level of insecurity to be in that position in the first place right? Well I was thinking that before, but now im reassured that me not immediately wanting to jump ship is a good thing

My avoidant is gaming as we speak. He can never be still… he’s either on his phone scrolling, working tirelessly, or video games.

I’m FA and I am very trustworthy. My ex DA could NOT have been more untrustworthy

Is there a difference between if i initiate vs if they initiate?

Do DA realize why Anxious preoccupied individuals need space to sort of get over someone? Like or do they just think you don't like that