My mom always joked that I was a 40 year old at age 4. Now I know why that wasn't funny and I have no children, nor have I ever felt the world to be a safe place. Im the poster child for hyper-vigilance at 47. Thank you for this video.

If you didn’t come from a healthy family.. do your best to make sure a healthy family comes from you.. my mission since understanding how generational trauma been passed on to me🖤 break the cycle 😵‍💫

"....we came out of the womb like thirty-year-old divorced people...." That line leveled me because of how spot-on it is.

I was never a child 😢 had to take care of my little sister and mom when my dad left. My life has been one trauma after another. Still here now.. Life is so hard.

You are describing me exactly. That was my childhood. Hyper vigilance and Parentification. I too never had a childhood. At age 73, I'm running out of options. I've been in survival mode for several years. Pray for me. Chuck

I remember as a young adult I would detach from social situations with friends. Like, we are hanging in the living room just talking. I couldn’t relate to them. I felt like an Alien of some sort. I would come home to an empty house, I was terrified the 30 minutes before my mother came home. I didn’t know who I was going to get. Most times an angry bully who yelled at me for hours about everything. Everything bad in her life was my fault. I was the abortion she regretted not having. I was her maid, her punching bag, her mother, her savings account, a thing, not her child, not her daughter and not a human being. But a thing to be used as she needed. I still have to remind my mother I’m a person. Because she still acts like I’m not suppose to have emotions or opinions. I don’t wanted kids because the idea of having to deal with their emotions is overwhelming. Thanks for making this video. I thought I was alone.

I was never a kid. I raised two siblings from the age of ten. Hyper vigilance is my middle name. I have never felt safe in life to this day.

Always scanning for a threat.... very powerful and it saddens me. A safe happy childhood is so very important for adults.

Mother was a stay-at-home parent, but was too lazy to do any housework or raise her own kids. I was given the responsibility to cook, make sure the house was clean, and take care of my disabled younger brother and little sister. My two older brothers didn't have much responsibility...it was all put on me because I was the elder girl. I didn't get medical care, vision care, or dental care as needed because my needs were unimportant. I was never allowed to ask for anything, express an opinion, or speak out of turn. Mother barked orders at me like I was a hired servant, constantly yelled at me, belittled me, and criticised me. I had to keep my mouth shut and to be hypervigilant about doing everything as quickly, efficiently, and expertly as possible to avoid harsh punishment...but still got punished because nothing I did was ever good enough for my mom.

Looking back, I realized that my parents knew I was hyper-vigilant to any changes in their moods. They used it to control me. When the phone rang or someone came over to the house, they miraculously were no longer in a state of meltdown. When the company left, the nightmare restarted. I have since learned that I am not responsible for their moods. I mind my own business and the Lord has lifted my burden. 🧡

The only place i feel safe is alone...its that simple. I spent my life caring for others from the age of 4 untill about 2 years ago at 48 , now i just close myself off , and im good with that. It makes family rhink i dont care ,but i do i just dont have the energy to interact anymore. My mind ,body and soul ,are simply wore out.

Was never a child. Took care of my little sister and my alcoholic mother. Was praised for being so caring and taking care of everyone. Was so proud of myself. Now realize that as I was doing that, I felt no feelings. Never found out anything about myself. Only thing that mattered was taking care of "them" . Carried through to adulthood. Don't even know how to feel my own feelings.

I've always felt like I was never a child, but never an adult either. It's like I've been stuck in a limbo state of mid-pubescence, always treated like my emotions were spurious fits of hormonal fluff or anything of equivalent frivolity, while simultaneously being expected from an early age to be a masseuse, a homemaker, a cleaner, a cook, a scholar, an IT technician, a handyman, a best friend, and a confidant to people who were meant to be parents. I feel stuck in this perpetual limbo and I don't think I will ever find an escape.

By age 5, I sat still in church, unmoving, like an adult for 2 hours, or got spanked when I returned home. I had no children to play with until age 8. As an only child for 6 years of socially backward parents, I was constantly around grandparents, great aunts, and uncles who I gravitated to for the love and warmth missing at home. To this day, I still relate to the older generation more than my own. My brother arrived when I turned 6, and was allowed to be a child with lots of early friends, the long awaited for son. Brought up on two different planets, he continues the toxic patterns of home, while I’ve worked tirelessly to heal and break them the last 30 years. I worked so hard to protect him and save him from my story. I envy those that have a sibling to share/bear the burden of home with. When you save them from your nightmare, you’re just left with an ungrateful, disrespectful, entitled adult who passes the dysfunction onto another generation. Sometimes your childhood well earned saviour complex comes back to bite you in the ass. 😅

I was my mother's emotional dumping ground unfortunately. She's also quite critical. I've been in therapy and doing inner child work. I bought myself some teddies to replace the ones mum burned. I've been reading some Dr Seuss books to myself. Got back into my art. Been trying to not judge myself. Been trying to focus on self love to counteract all that criticism I've faced from my family. I worked out that deep down I felt like I was a bad person. The messages that I took on from childhood were things like they don't love me so I need to change. I need to protect them from the truth of what is happening because they can't handle it. Just because my parents can't love me in the way I need to be loved doesn't mean I'm not worthy of being loved. Much love and healing to all 🌈🧡✌️

I was never a child. I had very grown up responsibilities, starting at 8 years old. I was responsible for the care of my older siblings. I never had the free fun most kids feel. I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything that was related to being a carefree kiddo. The only time I felt it was when I was outside, with my cat and alone. People always ask me how I know how to do so many things, it was because I was forced when I was a kid. I never got along with girls in my age group, still effecting me to this day at 47. At 15, it was the first time I said NO to my family and omg, I thought I was going to die. They got mad but for the first time in my life, I slept without guilt. I'm still undoing a lot of garbage, because I repeated it in my marriage. I am reintroducing myself to art in all forms of creativity and exploration, I have moved to a tiny apartment with my 2 cats and bulldog and I am LIVING life again. I'm making a creamy potato and leek soup for myself and my son tonight. He is bringing his art project to show me. Can't wait!

I don’t want to go back to that either’ what is a ‘care-free child’ ?? I surely never had that. I only recently realised that I woke up every morning of my childhood, in deep despair.. I’ve believed I’m super shy and sensitive all my life - but through therapy I’m coming to the conclusion I’m just highly traumatized individual!! My ‘shyness’ is actually the deep fear of my unsafe surroundings! This is quite mind-blowing for me.

As a man caring for my mother, only child...I look back and realize I was also never a child. I have mini moments I can recall but then I'm back to remembering how I had to survive in a household of chaos.

As a child I was the caretaker and raised myself. My adult life is completely lacking, still on my own taking care of myself. Tired of not having someone providing me the support I need on this journey. When will someone choose to care about me.

At the 2 minute mark.... when you said you didn't remember ever being like that young carefree girl... I had to stop and take a breath! THOSE SAME WORDS ARE WHAT CAME TO MY MIND WHEN I LISTENED TO THAT QUOTE!!! I doooonnnn't remember ever really being carefree or a child. I was never safe. I was never at ease. I was never a child. So yes I can relate.

I was the trophy kid! I sat, I spoke when spoken to, I didn’t get dirty, I took care of my little brother who was the next best thing to god. I let my kids be kids! I let them make choices! I give them space but I have to know where they are at all times

I never felt carefree, the thought of going back to childhood is a terrifying thought!

“I’ll fight to be a woman with a little girls heart”❤ very powerful

Yes! This is my story too. I have never felt nurtured, safe, protected, carefree, but like you it was always a constant state of fight, flight, freeze. Uncertainly, chaos, no structure and feeling like I would be abandoned all the time. That was my childhood years, then I became the parent of a parent, where I was always the one that had to be sensible, responsibility and pressure was my life from about 12 onwards, still today at 53, I have never felt safe, or off guard. Unfortunately I chose a husband, who I have been with a parent too rather than a partner. I have always been the responsible one, the peacemaker, the one who picks up the pieces … the caregiver to everyone. Then I chose Nursing as a career :) I’ve never know what it’s like to be carefree or to relax. I have always worked extremely hard, people pleased and I feel so much guilt if I do not save everyone, because I know what it’s like to hurt. I know I am responsible for taking on this role and because of taking on this role I feel totally exhausted, my cup was empty a long time ago. I do not begrudge being kind or helping others, I feel it is my calling, but I realise there needs to be boundaries and I am now ok at saying no. I finally at 49, with the help of a intuitive healer, learned to love myself, I had hated myself my whole life and I had neglected myself. With self love, came self nurturing, a feeling of peace and gratitude, I stopped caring about what others thought of me and how much time and energy was wasted worrying about what others thought, now I truly do not care, because I like who I am, I’m a good person and I do not need approval from anyone else but myself. My life has not been easy, but I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through what I had gone through, so I focus on gratitude and the blessings in my life. You can’t go back and change things but you can change who you want to become in the future. I refuse to feel broken or that my future can not be carefree, I choose how I want to respond to the world around me, sure I still do get anxious and worry, but I am a whole lot better at letting it go than I used to be and I will continue to make a life that is meaningful and on my own terms. I have the power to do so and will no longer give my power away. If I can get there anyone can. We are what we think!

I was never a child and moving back to my home town has brought me so much trauma I didn’t even know I had I’m healing!!

I never got to feel like a child, a safe little girl or a safe adult...ever

My mother (now at 80 with Alzheimer's) admitted years ago that from the time I was 2 years old she'd come to me to solve her problems. She and dad fought all the time and never loved each other. Dad had a girlfriend for 18 years on the side, which came out years later. Mom didn't want to be an adult and work...so she just cried that dad ruined her life and that all men are vile. I have spent my life alone and always was put in the parent role for her, and now, do a degree, my 87 year old dad. I had major digestive issues and painful stomach attacks due to stress from being in such an unhappy house growing up. I was stressed all the time. :-(

Just finding my inner peace is what I want now. I had a sense of who I was when I was young until my mother tore it out of me and smashed it into a million peace’s.

I can identify with this video. Even now as a mature adult I worry about everything and often when I am tired and go to bed, I cannot relax. I will waken up with a very painful neck. I go for long walks in nature and this gives me peace that I never find elsewhere.

76 year old clinical psychologist here. I taught in a doctoral Psy d program. Beautiful job you’ve done here. One course I taught was child psychopathology, and what you’ve described here is such an elegant way to explain parentification. Believe me I know. Also, when you are my age, you too will feel the peace of having done the work. Great job.

Sewing has really unlocked that creative and care free child like sense for me. I tend to focus on Victorian dresses and cosplay, so imagination is front and center. Bringing the 2D into 3D gives me a thrill. It blows me away just looking at an outfit and saying to myself, “you made that. You can do it.” Still getting used to being noticed though, I’m used to being that “person behind the curtain”.

I was never a child. I was always obliged to be the best student and read my self to exhaustation. Starting from 7 in the morning till 22h in the night when I was allowed to return home after a whole day of school and private lessons. Also I had to soothe and be the instrument of my mother in her depression and her war with my dad which included physical violence. My mother never let me play as a kid nor she ever played with me. She never told me bravo for acquiring all the diplomas and degrees she wanted me to get. She always told me I was not good enough and she was never satisfied. Also when I become a young woman she was not letting me date anyone if he did not have money. So she did not love me and she did not let anyone to love me either. She was calling me a who're for wanting to have a man.

I spent my whole teens getting drunk to switch off the hyper vigilance , dancing in dark clubs to myself , the only thing that got me through. Today I use AirPods and walks, much healthier . And breathe, breathe, breathe, thanks for being relatable. X

Whenever people say, “Don’t you wish you could be a kid again?” I’m always like “🤨 wtf no, I hated being a kid.” Then that tells me that other people had carefree childhoods. I did not. Something I have been doing that is giving me some space & helping me unwind at the end of the day is so do word searches. I remember being made fun of & being told “those are EASY.” So what?? Not everything you do has to be hard for it to be worth anything. Work is already exhausting & I’m a part time grad student as well. I have no brain power left to give. Doing word searches on physical paper has been nice & I really loved them as a kid.

The magnitude of everything you speak about has hit me since my Grandparents both passed away. They were the outlet of love, care, kindness and warmth that I fought to receive elsewhere. The loss of them, is a loss of stability, being seen, heard and accepted, but I'm trying to hold on to that memory and keep that feeling of love alive. I deserved more.

Wow. 63 years of fearing my father and it has never occurred to me, until now, that I had to be my own parent back then ... in order to feel safe. Heavy.

I was raised by a self-centered, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My big sister was the golden child while I was the scapegoat. From a young age I had to take care of myself and take on everyone else's crap.... As an adult I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other adults, I don't have to please others, and I'm important.

When I spend time in nature, it is easiest to forget myself and experience joy. Simple morning walks do the trick. I recently happened on a series of talks by Henri Nouwen called “Being the Beloved.” He said one thing that made my heart sing. He said to remember we were first loved by God even before we were born, and not even the worst childhood could make us unloved. As I age, I see the wisdom in that insight and in recalling it daily, making it a part of me.

I’ve never heard someone so accurately describe what I’ve been feeling my whole life. It just makes me so sad. Sad that I never had a childhood. Sad that even now I don’t know safety within myself. Im grateful for finding this video but it’s a really hard revelation for me. I can’t stop crying 😢 I just want to be better to/for my children, I just don’t know where to start.

Perfectionist. Super serious. 100%. It’s taken me decades to tap into my inner child self.

I SO get it. I have always said that I was born 90 years old. My mother probably had BPD and my "childhood" was filled with chaos and danger.

My emotional parentification came at the end of one of my mom’s abuse cycles. She would say something completely hurtful, shameful, critical, and invalidating. Even though I was a highly sensitive child with hyper empathy and I knew what she said was hurtful, she always said it in a covertly hurtful way that she could confuse me into thinking I took it wrong or I misheard her. I knew it was wrong to say but the more I persisted with my feelings and the argument, the more I became the villain and the whole house (narcissistic brother, avoidant enabling dad, and narcissistic mom) would turn on me - I became the villain and my mom the victim. After the explosive argument, she would give me the silent treatment for days. During this time I knew she was wrong and what she was doing was wrong, I still drove myself crazy by myself in my room confused by how this keeps happening. How I’m always the villain and how there’s just no way to stop this from happening (I had already tried many different resolutions by 13 years old, all resulted this same way). To make matters worse, I’m also an emotionally intense child and had already trauma split by 7 or 8. Even trauma split and abused since infancy, I still had more emotional maturity than everyone in my house. My dad would come to me because the silent treatment she was giving everyone (but mostly me) made the house feel insidious and he would defend what she said and tell me to fix it. I knew what he meant by fixing it because I always had to do this whenever she was abusing me with the silent treatment - knock on her door, apologize, validate her feelings and be her therapist until she felt better… it pains me writing about this right now and I’m a 41 reclusive cat lady with a broken nervous system living in complete isolation after over 3 decades of abuse and re-victimization. I don’t even feel happiness or motivation anymore. Apathy is all my brain is capable of at this point. This is what narcissistic abuse from my brother and mom did to me. My brothers abuse was even more malicious and psychological. This was all normalized and I didn’t even see it until years after trauma therapy for an unrelated trauma. My 2nd abusive husband overdosed in front of me and our 4 year old son, who was then taken from me by CPS. It took me 4 years to get full custody back but I did and I’ve slowly healed to this point over the last 7 years. I’m not sure where to go from her but isolation and apathy aren’t terrible. At least I feel safe.

For the first time in my life, I am receiving the exact diagnosis of my most troublesome issues. You have described me from A to Z. This is my issue. I am speachless. Saying thank you is not enough.

It’s one upside of being a child with a mother from my experience only of course. My interpersonal skills and capacity to get on with anybody came from adapting to the crazy at home. It’s served me well at work and I could throw a ball intentionally into someone’s garden as a child and knock on their door for permission to get it in the hopes I could be invited in and chat. Especially with old people. The tricks of the trade to survive were the unintended positive consequence in my life. But that’s just me. Everyone’s experience is different.

I am 53 and am just finally working on my childhood trauma and just found out my cortisol level is 183 with severe health issues nobody can figure out. Thank you for this video because I was crying that I had no idea what that quote was talking about either.

I find that I have brought this behaviour into my marriage, I am now hyper vigilant with my husband and I rotate around his mood, it’s all related to fear of abandonment for me, we have been married for 35 years. I am now thankfully, learning to loosen my grip, live more as my authentic self and not be such a people pleaser. I have learned that no matter how hard you try to control your situation/ life, those you love the most will still disappoint you, and if someone does leave your life, you will be ok and you will survive, you may even thrive. Thank you for what you do, it is so helpful to so many people 💙🦋

This describes me exactly. Now 77yrs I look back on being a carer from 7yrs of age for my brother who was three years younger than me. My father had PTSD and my mother was unprepared for marriage and children. I was expected to keep him safe and when he broke into his nursery school at age 4 yrs (I was 7) I got into trouble for “letting him to do it.” I “escaped” at age 18 to go to nursing school in the UK, and then to live in the USA in my 30s. Stayed hyper vigilant and hyper responsible my whole life. Now in my late 70s I find I can finally relax and enjoy life!

YYYEEEESSSS!!! You could probably hear me say that out loud. I yelled at the screen. This was a perfect description of the confusion within me. The breathing work I understand. Doing one thing that is authentically me is going to need some courage, but I think I'll give it a shot. Happiness is threatening because someone in my family would pull the rug from under me if I expressed it. I know it will take time to learn that it can be safe to enjoy something. I'll look forward to the day that I laugh out loud, in front of others, uninhibited.

So very helpful. Thank you. I like you thought the poem beautiful, but never ever wished to return to the " safety" of childhood. My childhood was spent trying to please a narcissistic parent who doled out acceptance only if I was perfect, and of course, despite my best efforts, I never measured up.Any success I attained academically was a threat. So I just tried even harder to do better, to get 100% on every school assignment or test. I maintained that through 3 years of college, until I snapped. Taking difficult subjects, studying hard, and waitressing evenings to pay for school, I reached the breaking point when my mother said, " Why don't you just be a secretary?" I dropped out after 3 1/2 years and married Mr. Wrong. It was only later that I understood that my graduating from college, earning that degree, having a rewarding career threatened her. She did not want me to succeed. I spent years as a subordinate as a special education assistant teacher. Returning to school was an impossibility as I was a divorced mom raising 5 kids on my own and working full time. It is only in hindsight that I realized I was sabotaged by a parent's insecurities. I am now retired, and have picked up a pen to write. This has become a joy to me, and taking long walks to sky gaze. Drawing and music and reading fill my days as well. I have been able to forgive by God's sweet grace, and become at home in my own body. I know whose I am and His love is unconditional. I can't earn it, or work for it, or do more and try harder to be accepted and valued. He is love and His invitation to sit next to Him is always open. Time does not heal all wounds, Jesus does. He came to heal the broken hearted, break off chains, open prison doors, and free captives. His love is for any and all that will receive it. His forgiveness absolute, His peace all encompassing, His faithfulness never ceases. It is not a performance based relationship. It is resting in His goodness. It becomes about Him, not about me. I hope this helps someone searching for answers.

I still can't believe my dad didn't kill me and my mom then himself. When I was young things were livable. When dad moved us 10 miles out of town and gave my sister my mom's car leaving us with his old gas gusseling constant breaking down old pickup truck that we couldn't afford gas for and moved us into a shack the writing was on the wall. The only person who rode the school bus longer than me was the bus driver. I rode 3 hours a day. Life is or was just not good for everyone. Everytime I go to the Rheumatologist I get diagnosed with a new disorder. Just because you survive it doesn't mean you survived unscathed.

The title of this video alone hit home as I had always known that about me as a child, but never heard anyone ever say it until this video.

I am and have always been, hyper -vigilant, jumping at the slightest thing and easily startled. It's horrible.

"You're never going to completely erase it and it's a setup to think that you can"....so many gems in this lady's work that keep illuminating my innermost thoughts and actions.

I watch several channels on this topic, but the way you approach it almost makes me cry, so relatable it is. And reading the comments here, oh my gosh. Not having kids bcs family feels inherently unsafe a place to be? To live your life painfully independent bcs you feel the only person you can rely on is yourself? To be unable to dance in public? To sweat whenever you enter an unknown social circle? To be actually ostricised for your coping strategies by the very people who inflicted those upon you? I'm relieved to see someone understands but also so sad to see so many of you guy went through this too.

The first person I’ve heard acknowledging this. That in itself makes me not feel alone. I don’t recall a time before trauma responses so I can’t go back to what I never knew.

Very few people had an healthy childhood. They are alliens among us humans with complex trauma from our early years, so important years. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, emotional neglect are so often found in our childhoods, in our unhealthy childhoods. In my case, until I started working with my therapist I was not aware of my unhealthy childhood, I was considering that my childhood was pretty much OK, normal, nothing much to say, no traumatic event. Now after few months in therapy I have the knowledge, I know what science says about my normal childhood- I grow up in a dysfunctional family because my parents were not equipped emotionaly for raising children, for dealing with stress, poverty. Narcissistic father and bpd mother. I was surprised to find out in my thirties that I was emotionally abused, that so called education that I received was the most part extremely unhealthy and toxic for a child's brain. Plus the emotional neglect and results an young adult who is in and out various episodes of depression, between this episodes feeling that is on autopilot, not knowing anything about triggers, about cptsd, not having the skills to manage emotions, and feeling so confused about the roots of this mental health struggle. Recently I have fallen in love with this science, with psychology. It brought in my life so much sense, reason. Now with the knowledge and skills that psychology is offering I can have hope. 💕

Such a great topic! I appreciate how you share your life experiences. My brother and I were just discussing how hypervigilance was such a strong part of our personalities from being raised by a narcissistic family member.

I was triggered dropping off my daughter at preschool. The administrator at the desk made a comment about my daughter, how carefree she was and how much she missed that as a little girl. I drove to the gym which was my next stop in tears, found myself heading straight for the heavy bags and after that an intense strength training HIIT workout. I was "running" from the pain by putting myself through the ringer, literally drenched and so weak after it was hard to drive home. Thankfully I had just started with a new therapist that understood trauma, she walked me through exactly what happened

So glad I found this video. I’ve always said as a child I felt like a short 40 year old. I’m sorry for the experiences some of the folks posting have gone through but I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

As the eldest of 6 children I never had a childhood. Parents should consider this when they have large families. One mother is insufficient for 6 kids, especially when the mother needs to work to help the budget.

Kim, you have a beautiful, healing spirit. 💗 So many of us have been living on the edge for far, far too long. Knowing we are not alone makes me cry for relief, and also sadness. But step by step we can heal and be free. Much love to all of the "Children" longing to breathe.💗🙏💗☘️

All I can say is God sent you to me!! This is the pure truth of my childhood I was the Mom the cook the maid the babysitter responsible for my brother and sister and there health and happiness baths food everything I was 30 at the age of 6. Now I lost my Mom this year October 18, 2022 along with and also my controlling husband of 31 years May2, 2022 and now I don’t know what to do with myself.. aim not caring for me and it’s hard to watch.. Thank you for this video!! It answered so much..😢

Oh my gosh!! I just found you and identified with every aspect of parentification in childhood, shyness and hypervigilance in every situation, as well as sitting in seriousness. I want to tap into that playful part of myself and have it be independent of the people around me.

I LOVED playing in the dirt as a kid even though I was always so lonely. But now I try to find time to make compost with kitchen scraps and giant earthworms. Making black soil over time for plants makes me happy in a way I recognize from way back.

Thank you so much for this video, every word resonated with my own experience. I was born prematurely and my mum had me at 16, quickly had my siblings after and was sadly a single parent. Although she did her very best, I remember being very ‘wise’ and mature early on. ‘The good girl’ that was obedient and had her head in books to escape the chaos of real life. My emotional needs were not met, and we experienced trauma within the family. As an adult I’m all the things you mentioned and I’ve been in therapy this year to help with avoidant attachment and low self esteem. Watching your videos has really helped me this year and I think I’m slowly starting to heal. Doing inner child work with my therapist is hard, but also rewarding and I hope will help me in the future.

As I'm unpacking my childhood experiences, I'm realizing why I've always been so hyperventilate. Now, my muscles just ache as I learn to recognize 'me'. I finally recognize that I've overcome the obstacles that I was ridiculed for throughout my childhood & young adulthood. I feel like I can finally start to breathe for the first time ever. I know what I want to do for myself (ex: weightlifting bc I liked it) but I need to separate my past why (dealing with the death of toxic parent) & current why, I miss moving & feeling strong. My anxiety & fear of judgment is overwhelming bc of old narratives. I have lived my life in hyperventilate crisis mode for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. The physical exhaustion it has caused is soul draining.

My hypervigilence carried over in school and then in work. I hated kindergarten to last day of work b4 retirement. Once retired and living on my own the weight lifted from me, bring able to be alone. No i never got married nor do i have a partner or friend. I used to exoerience panic attacks. But also i acted out sexually with men as a young woman as for me it was how i got positive attention. Uh so glad to have this period of bring alone and retired. Not looking forward to old age home i will be miserable. Note i went to eap 20 yrs during work was told i had cpstd.

I'm received to hear you say social settings can be hard. That's how I feel about extended family events...I'm always on gaurd b/c of childhood issues.

My mother had what I believe to be several personality disorders but all existed under the cover of her narcissism. We were there to please the people she cared about and make her look good. Because every situation required a different "act", there was no constant behavioral standard. You could get in trouble for almost any way of acting, so hyper-vigilance was on steroids trying to learn the "current' pattern needed for a given situation.

I have never related to something more. Oldest of 5 to young parents with some unaddressed mental health issues. Never felt attached to my parents, nrver felt like a kid. I just started counseling i plan to talk about the stuff in this video.

After having this childhood experience I became a prop master which entails entirely worrying about everyone else's needs while your prop is "in the line of fire" on camera and the shot is contingent on it working; A logical transition.

WOW! Growing up with a pathologically sick single mother was extremely hard for me. I was the parent. I had no childhood. I was screamed & yelled at all the time. So I grew up to become a nurse with 2 degrees. I knew nothing more than how to take care of someone. I’m still hyper vigilant, somewhat edgy, tired all the time and don’t sleep well. The pathological mother is dead. The constant abuse even into adulthood from my abuser is over. Thank God. I’m working on healing now. It’s very hard. I have symptoms of PTST. It nice to connect with someone like you doctor who has been through roughly the same abuse as me. Thanks

I was an unwilling counselor/therapist from the time I was in pre school :( now as an adult the only way I feel like my parent loves me is if they are telling me their problems or crying on my shoulder. I'm tired

You are me! I cannot believe the details of the feelings of the dislike for small talk, about running out of the social crap and all the truth of abuse - whatever kind there was - and am struggling. Your advice is accepted gratefully. Breathing. I'll do three beats, I have a prayer that go's on three lines. I was never a kid. At six, I said to myself "You must never have children. You might have a son and die and leave him in this situation which is not right and a nightmare. And one more thing: raise yourself kid, cause no one here cares about you and they all have their heads up their butts." I can't believe how correct a six-year old could be. Mom resurfaced later and I ended up caring for HER. That started at 14. I mean, you hit all the points so crazy in my life and it's wonderful to know there is someone else like me.

You hit so many of the bullet points of my experiences as an adult. Learning that i am safe is my current struggle, especially as I'm trying to develop a support system knowing i can't rely on my family.

I'm tired. No I'm exhausted. I'm completely isolated. 4 year's ago I went into my room and shut the door for 3 month's. The only time I came out was to get food or use the restroom then I was back in my room. I did nothing but lay in bed and listen to music. Nothing triggered me. Nothing upset me. Nothing influenced me to take the steps I did. I just went into my room and shut the door. I could and can feel people's energy around me and quite a distance away. I was more active at night when everyone was asleep and appliances were on low or off. When there's less movement. I would research whatever I could get my hands on. Part of this phase I believe was a spiritual awakening for me. At least it resonated with me on many points. I left my room. at about 3 1/2 month's. My husband welcomed me back to the world. I havent left my property in almost 4 year's. I'm no longer isolated to my room, but I am to my property. Now in all honesty I reside in the Sequoia National Forest. I have a creek running through my property and the forest beyond that. I rescue pittues and I'm out in nature with my dog's throughout the day. I'm not stuck in an apartment with just a balcony as my only means of being in nature. My physical body is s mess. My lymph nodes at the base of my skull and my throat are so swollen that my chin is now in my chest. I can't lift my head nor turn it left or right. I'm constantly looking down. I was beginning to get help right before the pandemic and was told if I didn't get vaccinated I wouldn't be able to get care. I haven't gone back since that visit. I refused to be vaccinated and thankfully I've never been sick with any covid like symptoms. I navigate life with the disabilities I have. I've lived this way and like this for almost 4 year's as I stated. If I need something my husband gets it for me or I shop online. I made up my own job to make money when the pandemic hit. I buy luxury handbags through online auctions and restore them then resale them on certain site's. It's not a comfortable living just yet, but it is paying the bils. I've survived 5 family suicides, 4 family murders. One as recent as this past January. Death has been a constant in my life from a young age. When I was five year's old my babysitter took her own life in our bathroom. I was the only one home. I sat outside the bathroom door for hour's after I saw her and had no idea what to do or how to call for help. I thought I was brave being able to be that strong. I didn't cry because I was trained not to. Crying wasn't allowed in my household when I was a child. It's hard for me to even relate to being a child. I have no clue how to be a child or what it entails. My life has been one challenge to the next. Very rarely did I not have to have my guard up. I could write a novel of the truama I experienced, but this isn't the appropriate place to do that. Sharing what I have shared already took a great deal of effort for me. Vulnerability isn't my strong suit. Whenever I am people take advantage so I simply don't allow myself that privilege. I just wanted to share that I don't know what it's like to be a child. I would have no idea how to go about doing so. I have no memories of ever being carefree ever. I really tried to think of a time I ever was and for the life of me I just can't. I thought I was the very few whom felt this way. but after this video and the comment section I'm finding I'm definitely not the only one. I don't find confort in the fact that I'm not. Seeing others suffer and struggle is heartbreaking to me. I wish none you have the pain you have. It was just eye opening knowing I wasn't the only one. I appreciate your videos they have helped in giving me an understanding and a way of putting things in context that I didn't understand before. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me share a little part of myself and my story with you. I'm truly grateful.

I think it's a great idea to combine cooking and therapy. Would be like having dinner at your really awesome therapists house! Maybe even a live stream every so often would be good for interaction with your subs.Thanks for the videos and tips for coping. It's nice to hear from someone that understands how hard it is to be us. I wish you lived in my area I would definitely want to be your patient. I've had all bad luck with many therapists, so now I go it alone with the help of YT. 🤷‍♂️

I relate so much to this. I am now in therapy, and I struggle to be open with myself about how things really happened as a child. I also have an obsession with making sure that kids' innocence is preserved, because they deserve it. I can cry easily when talking about kids being mistreated.

I was never a child. Definitely got me in the feels.

In my mid 50's I have been doing this healing journey for a few decades. I am always trying to fix myself, worrying, everyday. In the last few years since the pandemic I have been doing inner child work. Reliving my upbringing by doing art in my home, dancing, playing fetch with my dog, watching my favorite shows and eating snacks. What you said I can relate not remembering a carefree or happy experience in my childhood. I have such gratitude to be able to experience things I missed. Thank you for sharing your truth..feels like my story.

I was a frightened child growing up. I am sometimes still that frightened child.

I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath during this entire video, until you said to breathe… I let out a huge breath. Wow. This is hard to accept… Thank you for this video. I… needed to hear this… thank you ❤… 😢

Someone I met 45 years ago noticed a deep sadness in me….it has taken this many years to figure it out….now 73

Adele- EASY ON ME "Go easy on me, baby. I WAS STILL A CHILD didn't get the chance to FEEL the world around me!! I HAD NO TIME TO CHOOSE, WHAT I CHOSE TO DO" Song been on repeat for weeks!

I didn't have a childhood My mom always told people I grew up too fast At 12 i was an adult N children for me😢 At 60 ish im like a child. Mom had it hard Dad left I was so independent Thank God im a good person. Im working it out❤

Wow,you talked about me the whole time! I feel sad for myself, for being anxious all the time,& think about everything that can go wrong! I can’t remember anyone talk to me in my childhood but my friends! 😢

Thank you for this amazing video…I too was “born an adult” as my Mom used to say. This helps me understand why. My one activity that I’ve always credited for keeping me sane is being in nature. In these particularly crazy times we are in, I make it a point to spend time every day working in my garden…it brings me childlike joy every time.❤

We never lost our childhoods, we simply didn’t have them.

This is so informative and explains why I feel anxious in groups, particularly:) so good x what is it that makes us uncomfortable with small talk and yet more comfortable talking about deep emotional stuff ?

I would love if you made a video about cooking & “the kitchen” relating to mom trauma! It’s so relevant, food can hold a lot of memory (good or bad) - but also an opportunity to explore those memories, go back and redo things under new terms, us now in the adult role. I think there’s a correlation between narcissist moms and being stay-at-home-moms, the domestic stuff has always been a trigger for me since mine wielded anything related to “the home” as though it were carefully guarded territory, stomping around, clanging pans, weird rules, etc. also: pretty sure there’s a strong link to eating disorders

I have been doing similar practices for many years and what comes up for me is rage. It seems the more practices the more rage. Anyone else experience this?

This really resonated with me. I have had anxiety since I was 8 years old. Thank you for being vulnerable with us, makes me feel understood.

Great video, this explains why I have 2 anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Hypervigilance is directly tied, makes total sense. Having to constantly read the parent to see if it's nice parent or scary parent. I also have fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized and that makes total sense too that that would come from having to be so hypervigilant.

Thank you so very much! Everything you said resonates with me. I was the oldest child with a schizophrenic/alcoholic mother and a narcissistic father who left when I was six years old. He later was forced to take full custody and took his anger out on me. There was no childhood .

I subscribed. You had me at ‘rotate around a parent’, which I had never heard before but is a phrase that clearly describes the fear and exhaustion of childhood. Look forward to catching more insights with your help.

I never had that carefree childhood feeling. My earliest memory is running out the house at 3 in the morning because my parents were fighting.

So true. I was never a child too. 51 now and finally working on this. Special me time works for me with breathing, relaxing, nice food, dancing, doing things for no reason…

I feel a little jealous of someone (JG) who thinks so fondly of her childhood. Tears now.

good video thanks. When people ask me if I have children, I say 'I had them too young', when they ask when that was 'I had two when I was born.' Sadly it's not funny. I'm 63, had no children of my own, and still trying to gain the trust of my very wounded inner child. My vigilance, paranoia, rescuer peacemaker and catastrophiser is still embedded, all I can do is be aware, accept and embody which allows my body to tell you its truth.

So I don’t know how this comment will be received but: this is me. this was me. my mom had me at 16, I became like a parent to her and to my brothers since I was very young. I feel very hyper vigilant to this day and even though people always tell me I’m “mature” I feel stifled. But when I’m around my boyfriend, I feel fully safe. He’s one of the first people in my life where I felt like I was the one being taken care of, instead of other way around. & I notice I’m extremely childlike and joyful around him. I’m giggly and playful and smiley and have a lot of energy and want to dance and run around and admittedly kinda start talking like a little kid. It’s the weirdest thing but it feels really happy and natural. And In a way healing.