Hey. Sending lots of love. I also have bipolar as well as BPD, ASD, and a lot of other mental health experiences. I'm also trans. I can relate even if only a little, remember you aren't alone. ♥

I hope you’re feeling better. I totally understand the feelings of helplessness and depression. My brain is all f~ck~d up. I have Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, comorbid anxiety and depression and I’m also bisexual. My boyfriend has bipolar II and I know how hard it can be. It’s hard on me as well. He’s also extremely stubborn. When I try to talk to my boyfriend during a disagreement, he starts to interrupt me and talk so loud that I can’t speak at all. Every time I open my mouth he starts yelling over me. If you’ve ever seen a news interview with a politician where the politician interrupts the interviewer and talks over them, that’s what it’s like for me. Then I start yelling to be heard and I’m sure the neighbors are tired of it. He also has ADHD. When my boyfriend starts to have echolalia and interrupts and starts talking so loud that I can’t get a word in edgewise, he causes me to have an ASD meltdown. The interrupting and yelling over me is extremely overstimulating. He knows this. It happens every time. Yet, he continues to do it. He blames me for my meltdown behavior where I usually throw something and scream into a pillow or bang on the bed to get out my frustration. It just enrages me. He doesn’t seem to understand cause and effect. I don’t know if those are specifically bipolar symptoms, but it is slowly killing my soul. I don’t have any self confidence anymore. My self esteem is in the toilet. I’m trying to fix the mistakes made when I was in high school and the school didn’t understand my difficulties with my neurodivergence or the fact that my parent’s divorce was affecting me. My mom’s second husband was verbally abusive and physically abusive(less so than verbally abusive)all the time. One night, when I was in junior year of high school, we had an argument and he threatened physical abuse, I threw a cup at his head and told him, if it’ll make him feel like a man, to go ahead and hit me. He didn’t like that at all. He yelled a lot and left that night. My mom found out a little later that he had a whole different house the whole time we lived in the town I’m living in now and that he was a swinger. My anxiety in school came when they decided to try again, which I thought was preposterous after everything we found out about him and the abuse directed towards me. I couldn’t believe my mom would put me through that again after being so kind and understanding when I told her my biological father was verbally abusive and, how do I put this so KZfaq won’t auto delete my comment, touching me inappropriately when I was 6 years old. She was so protective in that situation. She listened to her second husband when he would tell her to call the cops during one of my meltdowns or emotional disregulation episodes. She worked with people who had autism, yet missed mine until I was diagnosed after meeting with a psychiatrist the child study team sent me to in high school. I had a major depressive episode, along with my ASD, ADHD, and comorbid anxiety so I stopped going to school. The child study team totally dropped the ball and sent me to a school where you were supposed to self study. I’m pretty intelligent(my ASD would have been diagnosed as Asperger’s Syndrome back in the day), but I also have ADHD. You can’t expect someone with ADHD and ASD to self study. It’s totally against my nature because of my neurodivergence. So, I dropped out of high school at the beginning of senior year with my mom’s permission. The child study team didn’t seem to care about me at all. It was almost like they wanted me to fail so they didn’t have to spend anymore money on me. That’s why I’m trying to get my GED so I can try community college. My boyfriend ruins my self esteem. I’m scared to try because I think I’ll fail. It doesn’t seem like his lamictal is helping his bipolar symptoms to me. Unless the interruptions and yelling over me are because he’s a jerk and have nothing to do with bipolar? I’m sorry I just dumped all my issues in your comment section, but I just wanted you to know that I understand your feelings and depression. I’m sorry you’re going through it. It’s not fun for people like us to be in our heads. I’m glad you got therapy. I’m on Medicaid because my ASD and anxiety don’t allow me to work right now, and there’s one year to 18 month waiting lists for all the therapists that take Medicaid. It’s awful. I kinda use my psychiatrist as a bit of a therapist. Someone told me to also try calling psychologists, so I have to go through my insurance’s list of providers in my area and write them all down so I can start calling them one by one. I hope that works. If I don’t get someone to talk to soon, I’m never going to fix my life, and when my parents die(they’re 70 and 71), I’ll be living in my car or a box with my four cats unless they don’t end up in inpatient care as they get older and have to sell their house. Then I’d get their house. It’s old, but it’s a roof over my head. I also constantly worry that if and when Republicans get have a trifecta government by taking the House, Senate, and Presidency, that they’ll take away Medicaid. I don’t think I have to worry about my government assistance, though, because I’m not on SSI(which they can take away at anytime) because I’m working on getting DDD, which they can’t take away once I get it on account of my ASD. As you see, I’m a mess and a genetic disaster. I said I was a genetic disaster to my mom and she was pretty offended. I don’t know why. It’s not her fault she didn’t know she had a folic acid conversion problem when she was pregnant with me and that will give you a 14 fold chance of having a child with ASD and/or ADHD. Both my biological father and my mother passed that abnormal allele on to me as well. It’s called the MTHFR gene. It causes you to have a certain percentage of folic acid not processed into folate. I have a 70% reduction. I have to take the immediately available form of folate. My psychiatrist had me genetically tested to see which meds would be best for me according to any genetic issues that cause me to process certain meds too quickly or too slowly. That’s where we found my folic acid issue. It’s also highly correlated with ASD. So is my acid reflux that I’ve had since I was 5 years old. It finally makes sense why, every time I’ve had bloodwork, my folic acid has been the lowest number on the scale. I think it goes from 1-20 and mine has always been a 1. I’ve been taking immediately available folate for about a month now. I’m getting bloodwork in 4 weeks so we will see if it makes a difference. I’m sorry, again, for my rant here, and that you are having issues with your mental health. I tend to rant in random KZfaq comments because I have no friends and my ASD/ADHD want to explain everything in detail and overshare. If you have discord and ever need someone to talk to, my KZfaq name is the same as my discord. I know I’m some rando, but I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I also have experience with some bipolar issues. Hope you’re out of your depressive episode soon. 🤗

your vulnerability here really moves me. it takes massive bravery to put this kind of video out, which inspires me greatly. i was diagnosed in 2020 after a hyper manic episode that got me 5150'd. it rattled my entire existence. it feels like the depressive episode that came after never ended. life just kept getting harder and harder. i still don't see an end to it and i get so lonely knowing that no one around me understands the struggle, but your video really gave me a sense of kinship. much love my friend.

I hope you’re pulling through ok and as someone who struggles with a personality disorder…I hear you…I see you.

Idk why your video came up on my feed but I feel compelled to tell you this… you are an absolutely precious treasure to God. He loves you endlessly. ❤

God is watching and protecting you in every moment. you are so loved and he has your back. Believe you are here for a reason, you were created for purpose. I wish you could see yourself through gods eyes, as perfect ❤

Sending Love your way!!! You are very brave and inspirational.

BP1 and trans too. You're not alone

What a beautiful black kween 🥰✊🏿

Sending you lots of love always ❤❤❤

I have bipolar I disorder and I had a manic episode in December of 2023. I was enrolled at my old college (arguably very bad due to many problems that the college faced), and due to the overwhelming stress of the work, horrible luck I seemed to experience, and the terrible social isolation I had, I went into having hypomanic/mixed symptoms for a few days (although not full-criteria hypomania), before it transitioned to a manic episode with delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized memory/behavior. I ended up in verbal arguments and destroying things in my dorm, before I had enough and voluntarily got admitted to a mental hospital. I got treated there fairly quickly (leaving in just 48 hours due to good behavior). I transitioned to a new college where I am today, I'm a data science major and I got a fairly good GPA. I was originally diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at 17 (although I thought I should have been diagnosed with bipolar II at the time, I can clearly see why I got diagnosed with bipolar I).

Sending you love ❤

What city are you in?

my mom just died right in front of me, i got bipolar too. Look cuz, life is fuckin hard. But you gotta get harder than life and Ik its generic advice but its true. You can choose to become a stronger human or parish. The true challenge is finding your stronger, cuz unlike conventional wisdom its not attained through getting buff or some shit. Good luck.

you’re not trans. you’re just you with difficult and hard to process feelings. you need to heal and find love and purpose before you can go around trying to claim an identity, especially an identity that has such a high suicide rate.

Do you have anyone to feed you and hold you close?

all adults want to die most of the time they're entire lives. That is normal life jsyk, unless you have a good life and even then.