for me these traits seem to be an adaptation to unsafe childhood where i was parentified and expected to make sure everyone (including narcissistic adults) was okay so nobody would get screamed at. of course as a child, with autism, this was neither feasible nor my responsibility. inversion of parent child dynamic can leave the child feeling like everything is their responsibility and like what they've done is never enough. it's related to fawn response and an overwhelming urge to make sure everything is okay and predictable, when the home was unsafe and unpredictable and the child's needs were invalidated and they were punished for their inherent sensitivities. at least in my case. :3

Yes, this is my life. You described it very well. I always wondered what was wrong with other folks. Why were they not attentive? Why did they shirk responsibility? But at 70, I am beginning to understand my attention to detail and sense of responsibility was most likely hardwired and not a willful choice. When folks ask why I care about the details, I get confused by the question. I want to ask, what do you mean details? I’m surrounded by the things you call details. As a kid, I just thought my peers were lazy. I realize now that was just bad judgement on my part. They truly see the world very differently. I’m happy for the new vocabulary associated with autism. I’m still finding it weird to think of myself as autistic, but the language helps both me and others. Better late than never.

This resonates with me too. I think part of the problem is lack of trust in my ability to do things, because historically I've proven i cant trust myself to do things well without intensely focusing on one thing.

This resonates so much with me. As a freelancer, I have trouble with it at work, where it takes me forever to get even the smallest jobs done because I check and re-check and re-work details until the amount of effort I put in is far beyond the amount of work I'm being paid for. But it's also part of the reason I have such difficulty maintaining friendships: by the time I've made sure I'm saying *exactly* what I wanted to say, have described whatever news I'm sharing coherently, not made any spelling or grammar errors, not left anything out, am not accidently being rude, not rambling, not forgetting to respond to anything specific in their message... writing a "quick" e-mail will take me hours and just isn't something I often have the energy for. And so people don't hear from me for weeks or months and (understandably) think I don't care...

Paul, this is one of the best videos you've made. I absolutely 100% identify with everything you've said here, and I think this phenomenon is simultaneously one of my greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses.

YES! You’ve got it nailed! It encompasses all descriptions that you comprehensively described such as ‘perfectionism, compulsive behaviour, looking for (&finding)errors, inertia/inability to transition, over diligence in many ways, etc. For me, an added impact of responsibility-hyper vigilance, was due to poor self-confidence, not knowing that I could be good at tasks. Also remaining committed to a task, a job or cause, going beyond duty, being stuck only by your own determination to the point of exhaustion. Not realising when your efforts cannot improve when you are part of collateral damage due to other’s decisions or poor management.

WOW YES!!!! I'm a 31 year old autistic woman and this is ABSOLUTELY my experience and is very much why I feel I was originally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and also a large reason I find myself burning out pretty frequently. Over the last year I've been on my journey to understand myself, and thanks to you and other autism educators, I've learned that I absolutely must budget my energy. But even though I try to schedule rest for myself now, I have a very very hard time actually having restful rest. I just spend my down time worrying about my responsibilities because of a big fear of forgetting, dropping an important ball, and amassing so many to do items that I can never catch up. I also very much agree with your assessment of the experience of making sure everything is done completely thoroughly to the highest standard before being able to switch tasks looking like perfectionism on the outside, but that the internal experience with these behaviors don't line up with other explanations of what perfectionism feels like. It's not that I'm worried about criticism. It's just that it feels important to do things the right way with no errors. I'm curious to know if there is any correlation between this and prior high achievers that ended up burning out in older age.... where we're maybe still trying to chase the normalcy and perfection and high standards we once effortlessly produced, but are now worried we're "slipping" and we don't want to accept any additional feelings of being disabled. I think that might possibly be the root of my behaviors, at least in part. I used to be so "high functioning" and, by other people's assessments, brilliant. And now.....everything feels so much more difficult, especially cognition and memory. Finally, I actually quite like the term responsibility hypervigilance myself. It is indeed a mouthful, but it seems to perfectly encapsulate this feeling. Sorry for being so verbose, but thank you so much for yet another wonderful video. Your content has played a large role in helping me understand myself and improve my life. And with discourse like this, you're not just helping us as individuals, but as a community. This kind of advocacy and taking part in giving clinicians and researchers such detailed descriptions of the adult autistic experience is just amazing. I'm so grateful for you and your ability to put words to such complex experiences and feelings. I feel seen and understood here on your channel

I experience this too. For example when we went to Chicago we visited Chinatown. The other girls were chatting and not paying attention to the dude that was circling us. I kept my eye on him for like twenty minutes and eventually he buggered off. The other girls had been completely oblivious. I had no idea what the girls were talking about, but I made sure the guy couldn't get away with theft or whatever he had on his mind. Then when working at children's day care camp, I was always so vigilant over all the kids, I knew where they all were. I knew how to build a day program to such an extent that there were moments of high energy games and then moments of rest before lunch (so they wouldn't throw up) and before they went home (so that, once they saw the parents, they were not hyper little squirrels). There were no big accidents during my shifts. I kept an eye on all of them and their safety. Then as an adult I started leading the photobooth crew at a convention, and we had plans for every freaking scenario. Actors absent, late, rude, too talkative, whatever. Every crew member knew what to do in each position they could be in. The only thing that could throw us off were massive technical difficulties (which sometimes happened) but even then I knew what to say to keep folks focused on the job and calm and to deflate them if they were stressed afterwards. It also came from overanalyzing everything that could go wrong weeks to months in advance. To having every possible conversation in my head, to seeing every disaster scenario before it happened, and I'd make sure to ask the tough questions to those managing the convention so I knew what to do in case something like that happened. But then during the convention, if something went wrong, they only needed to look at me in a specific way for me to know exactly what to do to get the situation under control. It has a great deal to do with "control", maybe a term like "ultimate control" or something rings true to some people? It's about having the ultimate control in situations. I do also wish to stress I am not like this in all situations. When I go on holiday alone, I am NOT in control. Far from it. I went to Amsterdam with no plan and was more like "guess I'll walk around!". But then again, I was only responsible for myself. Not for fellow girls I was on holiday with. Not for children. Not for actors visiting a convention. Not for visitors of the convention. But the moment I am responsible for other people, the "control brain" kicks in and I gotta be ready for anything that could go wrong and make sure everybody is SAFE and everybody is HAPPY. Needless to say it is a very exhausting way of being. I stopped my job at the convention because I found my time of recuperation too much.

I’ve always felt like neurotypical people were just lazy or innattentive about a lot of things. This explains perfectly why I felt that way! There’s certain things that I find very important and almost can’t understand how a lot of people don’t seem to care about them. This helps me understand 😊

I finished writing my dissertation, it took me a year to finally send it to be revised. For me everything was wrong. Had to go to therapy. I received an award for my thesis. I was diagnosed with autism.

That's also an ADHD experience learned due to "careless mistakes". The transition away from a specific task seems more like an autistic thing, but a more global constant scan for what i forgot. Literal nightmares about missing meetings or social engagements. I've always attributed to ADHD. You are right that it is exhausting. Also if i see the email on a Saturday, i can't wait till Monday. I think "doing it now will save time Monday, and also if i wait, i might forget."... I never relax when i host events. This is a lot to think about.

I can absolutely relate. I was just talking with my therapist about this a couple of hours ago and did no know how to explain it. The paralyzed state, the impossibility to multi-function, and the fact that my sister can do an incredible amount of things in a day and I do not. Creating short, prioritized lists can help, when I remember to do it...

This is why I'm tired when I drive or when I'm around young kids. I don't trust other drivers and I don't trust kids' survival instinct so I make it my responsibility. Your version of perfectionism is also one of my biggest struggle, I never know when to stop double/triple/quadruple checking everything and it takes me a while to start something, thinking I missed something important.

I worked in an operations department of a bank in the retirement account section. I learned the literal legal code that applied at the time. Far more in depth than was required for my job role at that time. But once i knew that the framework existed, i could not do the simple tasks within the framework without knowing the big picture. Once i learned it, i started trying to explain to my supervisor's and other's their misunderstandings of the legal foundations of what we were doing when small mistakes were being made. And that of course, did not go well. That's been a pattern throughout my work life.

I call the waiting for the future event, being on hold. It's not quite disassociation. it's just ..... on hold.

I've had to stop this sort of hypervigelence in the workplace. I was seeing all the holes left open by others and trying to fill them. Now, I must let others fail, even if I have to get involved AFTER the fact. It's crazy to go either way really. It's sheer madness, and it gets me worked up!

This really resonates with me. It's taken me a long time to realise that my "good enough", when doing something I'm good at, it actually extremely good in other people's eyes. I still get really trapped in a cycle of trying to do several things all at the same time and trying to make them perfect.

I'm feeling like I have already made this comment, but it's worth it: you have an incredible talent in finding words to describe the autistic experience of life. I resonate so much with this. And the way you talk about it is full of acceptance, quite different from the "don't worry that much" or "take time to rest" we get from people. It's definitely not that easy, and people relate these behaviours to things and feelings they know (anxiety) and can't believe or understand what it actually is. Thank you so much again.

AI suggests: Hyper-responsibility: hyper-attentiveness; over-zealousness; over cautiousness; over diligence; over consciousness. Your request for other words for hypervigilance and senset of responsibility became one of those merry-go-round tasks that 'requiresd' much thought that tired me out. Thank you for this video, it sure defines my process.

Definitely resonates...Its like My Body knows i need to relax and just calm down...But my Brain is Always Looking for SOMETHING To Do! IM SO Hypervigilant its out of this world

Again, you are describing me 😊 Especially the paralyzed state. I use my Alexa for reminders, alarms, and routines. My phone has alarms for eating, starting my evening routine, and every appointment has an alarm 30 minutes before it starts with three 10-minute snoozes. Every alarm talks to me and tells me what is coming up. I think 'hyper-vigilance' is an excellent label for this.

This is great. Yes, I can relate. It also reminds me of a story my art teacher once told the class. It happened in the Louvre, in Paris. One day, a man was discovered sitting in front of a painting that was hanging on the wall. No big deal, except that he was painting on it! Security was called and he was "escorted" out of there. Turns out he was the artist of the painting and claimed that he felt it needed some more work! The lesson, my art teacher said, is we have to know when a piece is finished. And let it be! 😊

I recognize this. For me, it’s fear of failure, and to us, a single mistake feels like total failure, especially if someone else notices. I think it comes from a fear of being put under the spotlight/being noticed/scrutinized. I do this primarily at work, and am too worn out to do it anywhere else. I’m obsessed with creating a perfect product, which takes far longer than my peers, but it’s top notch, and I’m always proud of my work. Also, the clients never complain about my product, they prefer it. (I basically create digital maps, and do all of the drafting, in the field. Engineers use my data to design the world) It has to be immaculate, and show minute details. My ability to hyper focus helps, while distractions derail me. I don’t take any breaks, and just work for hours. Also, every aspect of my work is numbers, and I have dyscalculia, so I double check everything. For me, being in a hurry only results in duds, and rejects. I never hurry. My work is terribly complex, a job can take weeks-months, so I’ve learned to eat the elephant, one bite at a time. It’s both mentally, and physically taxing, so I work four days, and recover for three. I’ve been in a state of burnout for several years, long before I learned that I had AuDHD. Your name for it is fine. It’s some type of perfectionism, driven by a fear of rejection.

Omg Paul, I have so much "Yes!" to say about this. I've been doing Parts Therapy for a year now, and only recently did we unearth this backbone, operating-system part. It's my internal OS system, with a tendril and draw of energy in every single thing to "keep it in mind" so I never drop a ball. It's certainly hypervigilance but it's not external. I can only describe it as a hyper-accountable operating system. It definitely plays into the "want to do all the things so do none" but have spent more time getting into the crux of it. I also believe it's a maladapted part (I have trauma crossover) from getting in trouble for 'dropping the ball' as a kid. Anything from manners to homework etc. This has absolutely boggled my therapist, so it has truly brightened my day to not be alone.

Resonates muchly. I always figured it's less about perfectionism and more about making things predictable. If I miss some detail, it throws a wrench into what I was expecting. So constantly being on the look-out for things to 'fix' not only satisfies the desire to improve things but also makes sure everything goes as expected. No surprises.

This goes well with the convo around "monotropism". The idea being the autistic brain prefers to focus on one thing at a time, as in depth as possible. Pulling your attention away once you're hyper focused is really difficult. It's a big change in your mental state to go from intense, all-consuming focus on one thing to switching to more dispersed focus on the environment, upcoming tasks, all other priorities and figuring out how to choose and initiate your next task or action. Cue task paralysis! A single focus is much more comfortable. But switching focus to another single topic is often hard too. Your mind keeps jumping back to what you had been doing intensely for so long, until enough time's gone by and you get deep enough into the next thing. Thoughts and trends in thinking become neurologically reinforced by use. The more time you spend thinking about something or thinking a certain way, the harder it is to transition your thoughts to something else. Monotropic trending brains also make it difficult to multitask and keep track of ongoing simultaneous priorities of daily life. Like focusing on a task but also remembering to eat or drink water, for some people. Or keeping track of the time and steps to be ready to do something when you know you have it coming up later. "Waiting mode" I've heard that one called. We have to be "hyper vigilant" about those other priorities otherwise we get too focused on what we're doing and forget about them. As far as the obsessive perfectionism, looking for every possible little thing you can do or improve about something...I think that's a feature of monotropism too, to continue by default to keep focusing more and more in depth on this thing you think is important until you've fully understood and analyzed and predicted everything possible about it and done everything you can to make it better I think it boils down to this. Allistic people can more comfortably experience and think about a wider variety of things at once. And Allistic people don't tend to HYPERfocus on one thing to the point where they forget everything else, so they have an easier time shifting their focus away when needed. But they also might not come up with the same good ideas and predictions that can be born of extended hyperfocus. Monotropic trending brains can be extremely effective at certain jobs that align with their strengths and essentially become their hyperfocus. Or they can be really shitty at a job because they're constantly hyper focusing on the wrong things, not able to multitask or shift focus when necessary due to the nature of their job duties. Thanks for reading my poorly edited novel 😂 I'm a pediatric occupational therapist, self diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and I have a lot of thoughts on this clearly.

I definitely experience this and for me it’s part of my experience of the world as chaotic and confusing. I’m trying desperately to get things to make sense.

Neuro typical people seem to have a filter, it's very functional, they filter out anything that registers as irrelevant to them. Douglas Adams called it a "SEP field", a field that makes anything that seems to be "Somebody else's problem" effectively invisible. I was born immune to these SEP fields. Now I realise that it's because I'm autistic. It's not my favourite autistic trait. It's exhausting.

Staying up too late, then having an early appointment. I am afraid to go to bed, because I might not get up in time. But then being overtired and on the way to overwhelm/burnout.

The first time I heard the term "hypervigilance", my therapist at the time had used it to describe my extreme awareness of my immediate and broader environment, and talked about it as something to be treated, since it would often overwhelm me into anxiety/panic attacks as I grew older. But while I liked having a term for it, I recoiled from her treatment of it as a symptom, because I greatly valued my ability to use the information gained from sorting through that noise, as I am someone who would always rather know than remain ignorant. It turns out that there's a unseen (and often unspoken) separation of two features there: the hypervigilance part itself was greatly amplified as a result of severe childhood abuse I suffered (often brought upon me as punishment for my autistic-presenting traits) and was a defense mechanism, but those same traits of extreme analysis and curiosity are what helped me navigate that information and made good of it. This is why it felt like... in addressing my "hypervigilance" as a whole, my therapist was leaning toward sort of 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater'. I share this story to caution others from using the term "hypervigilance" to describe this feature as a whole, as it has strong mental health connotations already, and could result in grave miscommunication. The question for me became a matter of learning better methods to filter the influx of sensory information and to understand my limits and what environments I could move between to self-regulate for those times where the information overloaded my processing power and resulted in that mental/emotional break point.

This hits home really hard. There's also a sense of inherent responsibility even if I'm not officially in a position of responsibility in a particular situation or can feel like I should take responsibility because I notice aspects lacking in the organization that no-one else is paying attention to. It often links to empathy as well, when I notice for instance that there's a lapse of attention to the needs of some participants in an event for example, I feel an urge to step in and take responsibility even if I'm just a participant myself.

*** hi paul me again. I realised while i was typing my other reply that what you are describing already has a name and is quite common. 'Analysis Paralysis" is the common term for it. And yes, its an autistic trait many of us share. Again i ask please DONT confuse it with ( or call it) hypervigilance which is puerly a TRAUMA response ( esp common with PTSD and abuse survivors)( gen. Population, not autism specific)

I have never had someone so accurately explain my internal experience as you have in this video. I feel seen and heard 😭

This resonated with me 100%. I am that role in the group that scans for "gaps" in team work. I've succesfully improved workflow in many of the jobs i've held throughout the years, and this makes sense as to why! I am always paying attention to minute details and cant ever turn off my "problem solving" switch.

Resonating!!! I think you have a pretty good handle on this. We have a superpower, lazer-focus. So, how to turn it off and on? I have kept a day planner since I was a kid. If I write stuff down, it helps me to set it aside so I don't worry that I will forget. I organize tasks by deadline and importance, and I can carry them over to the next day or next week, depending on how every day goes. Organized flexibility. I still work super hard and thoroughly, but more and more, I also embrace the idea that rest is productive and a priority. So now I rest every day, and I am always finding new ways to improve my quality of rest. I am really trying to be mindful of how I am feeling. Am I tired? That is ok. I am human. Take a little break, even for a minute. I try to make sacred time not to have to worry about time. A day to wake up and not look at a clock all day. This is a comfort to me as I go through my week, knowing I have a timeless day scheduled once a week or even once a month. Seems like I magically get stuff done on those days. My mind sees what is missing and how to solve problems. I see solutions and doors open. I de-clutter my mind and slow down into my body again. The concept that rest is productive!!! So what do we call this? It's not a problem... it's a superpower. Lazer-mind... learn to focus the lazer-mind so we don't burn ourselves down... avoiding lazer-mind-burnout. Finding ways to organize what we focus on and make sure self-care is right up at the top of the list. ❤ Thank you so much for the good work you do. It amazes me every day how understanding how my brain is different helps me to love myself and to live a more beautiful, peaceful, and whole life. You make a difference to me.

"conscientiousness" sort of combines the ideas of responsibility and vigilance. So maybe "hyper-conscientiousness" would be an apt term for this trait. I know I've used this word to describe myself and other autistics in my life.

I'm commenting at 5:10, but I just have to jump in before it is finished because this is resonating so strongly with me. This trait is the bane of my existence and why I can't write. My internal editor just cannot let it go. And it's not just while I'm working on it - I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking I need to add this or clarify that more. I hate this about myself. It has hurt me at work before ("we just need to get it out" and "haven't you ever heard the phrase 'good enough for government work?'" are phrases bosses have said to me. My husband just keeps reminding me that I shouldn't "let perfect be the enemy of good." It helps for emails and shorter tasks, but reports and longer projects, this is the WORST! I'm so glad you are talking about this.

Yes! I am a MD and engineer, developing products for infection prevention and test them in clinical studies. So many tasks at the same time. I can confirm and rely on that! Its never perfect and often i am exhausted ...For certain tasks i have to wait, maybe for days, until my brain is in a state to perform the task. Usually able to hyperfocus with no effort. Beside of that, i have another trait: i react like an exited dog if somebody tells me about a problem. Like a dog expecting a thrown stick, i want to deliver a solution to the problem ASAP and be totally hyperfocused. Usually neurotypicals are not used or expecting that, overwhelmed and do not appreciate it.

On a couple of the well-known "autism" channels I've voiced a theory and it has gotten some very positive response, even approaching passionate response. It's something that has made sense of tons for me. It really does strike me as something approaching (at least approaching perhaps?) an autism "Theory of Everything." I want to give voice to it here, to test it on the complex of traits that you're justifiably seeing as parts of some elusive whole. First, all the manifestations you're describing seem to have this in common: they are all attempts, scrambling, often desperate attempts, to achieve definition. WHAT is going on here, HOW is it done, WHAT is my role, WHAT are the pitfalls, threats, needs, WHAT have I still left undone, WHAT will happen if I miss something, etc. It's all about the perpetual struggle and scramble after DEFINITION. This is why I think--at least I THINK--my "Theory of Everything" might come in useful here. So here it is: I'm feeling fairly convinced that at the heart of autism is the relative absence of a fixed cognitive matrix. The absence is relative, sometimes more, sometimes less (the degree of "high functioning" possibly corresponds to this), but I'm strongly convinced that a certain "matrixlessness" is at the heart of all autism. I also call it Matrix Autism. Incidental illustrations: hyper-vigilance is a crisis-mode state of readiness to respond radically in settings where you have no confident basis to anticipate what might happen...even in settings (like a supermarket) where you've been ten thousand times already. Hyper-sensitivity to sensory input: same crisis-mode alertness. You're in a church social hall with a hundred conversations all buzzing around you. You're attuned, maddeningly, to every single one of them, because every single one of them contains info that might impinge on or threaten you. And an infant suddenly shrieks and you nearly jump out of your skin, even though an infant has shrieked at every such gathering the last hundred times you've been at one, but it's like every time is the first time all over again. Matrix amnesia. You know intellectually but there's another part of your psyche that viscerally forgets. When I was in elementary school arithmetic was torture to me. I couldn't understand why 8x7 being 56 today meant it would be 56 tomorrow. There was no matrix of meaning, no all-encompassing schema to plug that into. Masking, especially the most destructive kind of all that I call "Private Masking" (or "Visceral Masking") seems hugely obviously to be a compensation for matrixlessness. It's a scramble to mirror the immediate presentations coming at you socially, what seems to be working in the given situation, just to survive it, not because those patterns are meaningful to you. They're not, because the matrix they emerge from is a closed book to you, finds no psychic echo in you. Private masking is the continued internalization, viscerally, self-conceptually, of the external inputs, the patterns, the social values and priorities, the "advice" and "peer pressure" exerted on you, even when you're all alone, while you're struggling to shove and wrench and contort your inner state into the form that "the world out there" told you it should look like: how you should feel, what you should love, why you should get out of bed in the morning. This is masking at its most pernicious, wreaking unfathomable psychic and, yes, physical damage. And at the root of it all is a matrixlessness intrinsic to autism. A matrixlessness that means no amount of masking, either social or private, external or visceral, will ever EVER work because it CAN'T undo the matrixlessness. The efforts, both visible and inwardly emotional, to turn into what that matrix out there seems to require are doomed, can't work, precisely because you will never really understand, never be part of, the thing you're trying to imitate and be part of. That's what so god-awful destructive about masking. That even when you're doing it, it isn't what you think it is. Well, Paul, that's my theory, for what's it worth: Matrixlessnes, or Matrix Amnesia, as the fundamental trait of autism and its whole range of manifestations.

„Better done than perfect“ is my current mantra. 😊 I can relate to everything, but don’t have a better name.

It's like perfectionism analysis. it goes further than just wanting to do everything perfect, it's the amount of energy used to analyse everything constantly, every minute, about everything around you. I find it draining and satisfying at the same time. Sometimes I consider it a super power, other times I wish i could just shut it off for a few days.

This definitely resonates with me. I've always thought of this as poor executive function and not good at multitasking. Having too many tasks and goals that are all approaching their respective deadlines is an overbearing weight on me. I have to escape it by focusing 100% on one task and ignoring everything else. That is joy. Finishing the task and removing it from my to do list is great, but then the terror of indecision of which to work on next. So I find that I fall into a pattern of trying to put out fires that start on their own and need my immediate attention. You would think I would like having someone dictate my daily work, but I hate that. I have to decide what is important and what I want to work on or it is very difficult to do. Most frustrating is when the task I'm focusing on gets interrupted and I can't finish it. Worst of all is when I find myself in a state where I have nothing to do or nothing that I'm able to do. The other aspect I think comes from perfectionism. I keep editing/checking because I'm sure I left something out or made a mistake. This is usually because I always do. But, nothing is perfect, so if you worry and look again, you will always find something. Not worrying and not looking means the mistake or lack of perfection will get out. I had a critical narcissist father so I always thought this was a trait to protect myself from him, not an autistic trait. Now that I'm retired and have no real goals or deadlines, I still have nightmares about not getting my "work" done. Didn't study for a school test, didn't finish a work project I have to present at a meeting, or showing up for work 20 years later and my boss asking me what I've done to earn my pay the last 20 years. I'm perpetually guilty for not getting things done even though that never actually happened to me in school or at work. And I do carry the weight of all the world's problems on my shoulders as if it is my responsibility to solve them all. This is mitigated only by my feelings of disgust at the stupidity and violence of the human race.

This is super-relatable. I don't necessarily have a better name for it, but it resonates so hard. Incidentally, as a tip for the email thing, "schedule send" has saved my life. It means that I can clear out my inbox at a time when I'm not "supposed to" be working, but no one knows that I was checking my email at, say, 9 pm on Sunday. I can prep a reply when I'm home and relaxed and not being interrupted, but it only sends out at 9:30 am on Monday morning.

Get out of my head! 😂 Seriously though this is absolutely spot on, and I think "responsibility hyper-vigilance" as a working term fits very neatly. As a side note, being AuDHD, throwing ADHD into the mix with it's own executive functioning challenges - combined also with autistic inertia, I think - really takes all of this up a notch. Plus the RSD-based fear and resultant rejection avoidance is a challenging tension to live with.

Maybe could call it hypervigilant task and energy awareness? What you described I’m very familiar with. This type of processing, hypervigilance, and focus could quickly put me in burnout so I try to set expectations for planned work far in advance. Main problem I have is pple around me interpreting it as anxiety or frustration when I’m hyperfocusing or talking faster. I’m only anxious when they treat the same task without the same level of care or respect.

For myself I'd call that sort of thing being monotropic, detail-oriented, and driven to collaborate ...but going a bit unbalanced with executive function differences particularly inertia, and some perfectionism from childhood trauma. (I am a classic perfectionist though). I associate hyper-vigilance with higher sympathetic nervous system activation and trauma. I've actively softened a whole lot of my perfectionism - mostly through trauma work, but also practicing doing things in a less detailed way, taking half steps, letting some of the balls drop and just seeing that it is actually safe to do that. It's about trusting myself, but also those around me. And recognising the people around me are a lot more supportive and accepting than what I grew up with. For me struggling to prioritise is a sign I'm overloaded and needed to step back as it is not my baseline. With the right pacing I can juggle quite a lot. (I'm autistic but not ADHD). I like the crow's nest analogy as I often imagine some of my autistic ancestors as on solitary watch or exploration either guarding or searching and learning for the good of the collective. I don't have a single term to suggest sorry :D monotropism+inertia+detail-oriented+perfectionism+executive-function-overload is not so catchy

Yep! That's ME all day!

I found myself nodding along and agreeing the entire time, I instantly know the feeling you are talking about. I just spent the last week applying that in a positive way in a hobby and have been praised for my attention to detail, but then that's just how I interact with everything so when I'm doing things that I'm not as good at, I'm still burning all that energy and coming away with results that aren't worth the expenditure. End result being burn out because it turns out there are a lot of tasks that need doing, and giving 100% to every task that comes along leaves you with nothing

Omg!!!! This is me. I am just now (in my 30’s) discovering that I am likely autistic, and this describes me so perfectly. I have multiple to-do lists at any given time, that I look at multiple times per day to make sure I’m not forgetting anything on any one of them. The only way I have now been able to keep my brain from constantly thinking about future responsibilities is by setting multiple alarms and reminders in my phone for each event, although doing so is overwhelming. I probably have at least 6 reminders per event - some to remind me a week in advance, some a few days in advance, some the night before, and then some on the actual day of the event. I have also had to learn to turn my brain off once work is over. Otherwise, I would literally never relax. My rule is that once my shift is over, even if I am in the middle of figuring something out, I no longer allow myself to think about it until my next shift. For my own mental protection and peace of mind, I also do not keep work emails or chats on my phone, unlike most of my coworkers at my job. If I miss something, I just miss it. But I need my downtime. It will be there when I come back to work.

I can totally relate to this. I manage a web service for a cloud provider, and there is no question this “hyper-vigilance” affects me. It is nearly impossible for me to not think about the state of the service. I’m fairly sure a couple of my engineers are autistic, too, but not ADHD. I don’t see the same behavior in them, which is interesting.

Damn, that definitely rings a bell for me. In the beginning of my career I would link this type of behavior with perfectionism though, especially because I was indeed sensitive to criticism. But at the same time, I've always thought of it as an internal urge to fully utilize all my knowledge, skills and all contextual information available to me to do the tasks. I've thought of it almost as a personal challenge I couldn't refuse, not necessarily for fear of criticism, but for personal satisfaction. It's hard to describe. I work as a designer and it's common and expected to have people such as clients, other designers and everybody else in the team critisizing the work and sharing perspectives I haven't thought about. So as time went by I've "learned" to force myself to finish the tasks before feeling like I'm done with them. I try to remember myself that no matter how much time I spend on a task, I will always miss something and there will always be ways to improve, so I try to finish things earlier and incorporate other people's feedback as a "subtask" to get the main task done. Once I got feedback and I finished the modifications in the work I did based on the feedback, I feel more comfortable to decide the task is done. So working with other people helps. However, there's a negative side, which is I can't even remember the last time I felt a true sense of safisfaction by getting the work done in my job. Sometimes I feel demotivated, like l'm just delivering low-quality work, even if all the feedback is positive and the business outcome of the work is good. Maybe that's because, internally, I know I forced myself to stop the task earlier than I would naturally stop, so I didn't fully utilized all resources I had to get it done. It's like I'm studying on a weeking for an exam because I personally like studying and like the satisfaction of getting A's, but my teachers, colleagues and parents are all like "hey, don't try so hard, you don't have to be studying the whole weekend, B's and C's are perfectly fine, go do something else, OK?"

I have been told I have an over-developed sense of responsibility, and I would always sit in the back left corner of a classroom to watch the door. I recently affirmed that I have ADHD, OCD, dyslexia and Asperger’s/ level one ASD. I also probably have dyspraxia.

Yes! I resonate strongly with all of this. Thanks for putting it into words!

I mean,I think this is just a combination of cPTSD from unmet developmental needs and inappropriate expectations with pattern matching and need for honesty/authenticity. Once you've been told for the 3,475th time that you "should have known" or "should have expected" or "should have asked if you didn't know" (when you didn't know to ask), of course you are going to develop hypervigilence and an unhealthily pronounced sense of responsibility. It's not an autism trait; it's a trauma trait which is particularly common among autistics. It is ALSO very common among women who grow up in traditional patriarchal societies, because they are trained to take responsibility for every aspect of managing household and family and then also managing everyone else's emotional states.

I can’t tell you how much this resonates with me! I’ve always seen it as a compensatory mechanism for poor prospective memory and implicit forms of learning. I have strong fluent intelligence and problem solving skills so I apply them in all situations to compensate for the skills I lack. How lovely would it be not to worry about forgetting about up and coming tasks! I would see it as the task based version of masking. Cognitive decoding rather than relying on more implicit skills. Thanks for sharing this, lots to think about 😊

I'm a senior software engineer, so I am responsible for extremely complex interacting systems. Projects that add features or fix problems in these systems also tend towards hypercomplexity. I find that this video's topic describes how ASD helps me. I have to organize and document and delegate. If I do those things I don't get stuck checking the same details over and over. I give myself checkboxes to check.

Really relatable. Made me think of the feeling I get when work go over the top praising me on something that anyone could do & that takes very little effort vs not noticing the subtle things that improve systems/processes for all but take a lot of (probably unnecessary) effort. It always makes the praise feel wrong/jarring - it feels patronising like they're praising me for chewing and swallowing a mouthful of food, but not noticing the effort I put in to planning/creating the meal. But I am constantly driven to do the things that don't get praise/notice

Amazing insight, and this distinction from perfectionism is really resonant. I’m non-stop thinking about how things can be better or more ideal. It’s exhausting, and it does feel very different from my perfectionism. Thank you so much for exploring/highlighting this! ✨🙏✨

I very much resonate with that. Spending almost inhuman amounts of time preparing for presentations, bringing them to the level when I am myself completely satisfied (going way beyond the expectations of the others). But also spending too much time for allocated consults of the patients just to make sure nothing is missed for them or giving them that extra bit of quality. Given that the medical people are pressured in time for consults in the medical system and that possibly there are many undiagnosed autistic people in the medical world, no surprise that many doctors and dentists feel burned out. The systems are not made for autistic doctors to thrive. Hopefully with more awareness that will change.

This was funny to watch because I always just chalked this up to "my work ethic". It makes sense as an autistic thing. Through that lens, I can see it being the limbic system looking for what animal might come out of the bushes next. The "animal" in a work environment might be what ball I may have dropped or what problematic person may approach with some issue. I totally related to the role you like on a team. I always say I don't want to be the one in charge, but I like somewhat of an elevated position so I can get an overview of processes, anticipate my supervisor's next move or need, and be on it immediately with what information or things they may need. I also like being at that level to get a broad overview of the operation to optimize processes.

Minute 16. Yes. That constant scanning for issues. I had a life coach once that when I described this to her, she said that evolutionarily I was a very important member of the tribe. Always on the lookout for danger, always planning for contingencies. The issue I had was that I never really figured out how to take this into the modern time when we don't really need lookouts and danger contingency planners. But for some reason, I did find it helpful to feel that there is a societally useful component to this.

So true. I find emotional regulation has brought more bandwidth but I still agree that we burn brightly and have to be mindful of our own window of tolerance

I totally identify with this. I find being like this quite debilitating: it makes it so hard to get done everything that demands my attention. On the one hand it makes me quite a good writer and editor, in as much as I will fiddle with language until it feels perfect; this can take a long time. the downside is that this desire to arrange the words in the best possible order can get massively in the way of the creative aspect of writing, i.e. of actually getting words down on paper. I can be so occupied with getting the first sentence perfect that I don't make it to the second sentence. Just listening to you talking about how you are affected by this hypervigilance has left me tense, anxious and hardly able to breathe: looks like this is a big issue for me!

My head exploded when I saw the title. Amazing man!

The perfectionism part I call "getting stuck." I've learned the types of things where I am most prone to this (like hanging pictures or putting on screen protectors), and I've learned to ask someone else to do it. Otherwise, I know I will "get stuck" and end up with fifteen holes in the wall or a non-sticky screen protector from too much repositioning.

Monotropic Demand Attentiveness: If I'm getting the idea right, it seems like the hyperfocus acompanying monotropism and the knowledge that said hyperfocus will lead to failure to meet responsibilities leads to a fixation on the tasks that demand your attention. I wonder if it may be a result of the same trait that leads to Pathological Demand Avoidance, but the other side of the spectrum? Tasks that need to be completed can be seen as Demands by many, and rather than doing anything to avoid them or being unable to begin them, you are instead driven to do them immediately for fear of forgetting them? In other words it is the opposite of Pathological Demand Avoidance, and it is driven by awareness of monotropic focus and anxiety that hyperfocus on one task might lead to failing to meet other responsibilities. It would be useful for the opposite side of PDA to have similar letters, and people are often not a fan of the word Pathological, so I would suggest: Monotropic Demand Attentiveness Then when discussing autism and the way it relates to demands we would be discussing PDA and MDA, with the former being a compulsion to avoid tasks that are seen as demands and the latter being a compulsion to fixate on tasks that are seen as demands until they are completed.

It resonates here too. Thank you so much from Belgium. I tidy up my mess, I sort out things while hearing you in a loop.

(Actual) copywriter here, and I’d like to submit two possible terms. One technical, one colloquial. It seems like what you’re explaining is a branch of Persistent Demand for Autonomy, where our internal systems are not responding to outward influence but instead our internal thoughts & drive? In that vein it could be called something such as: 1) an Internal Drive for Autonomy, or, simply as having an 2) infinite to-do list. To a neurotypical person this may seem fine, however to me it feels as though there’s *always* something to do, even when I know it can’t be done (yet), I need help, etc. Always seems easier to think my way out of a problem currently happening than it is to put my focus onto that problem. As you say, when things begin to pile up, staying highly focused over a short period of time can easily lead to overwhelm and burnout.

Thank you for this video. I am diagnosed with ADHD and my assessment for this mentions that I have autistic traits and an assessment was advised, although I haven’t sought this as yet. I feel that this responsibility hypervigilance (can’t think of a better name as this sums it up) dominates my life to the point that it prevents me from doing many things, or at least the few things that I do (work, household/family responsibilities, and studying) take up so much of my time that I don’t have the time or energy for other things, like other people seem to be able to do. I’m always scanning; a room, an email or text I’ve written, my brain…looking for things i may have missed. In my studies I spend too much time writing assignments and I’m never really truly happy with them, but I receive scores of 90% or more. In social situations I’m always aware of everything that is going on around me to the point that I am not participating (I also struggle to participate in group conversations for other reasons). It’s tiring, and has really had an impact on my life to the point that I feel stuck in a cycle where maintenance is preventing improvement. I want to change my career but there is so much preventing this. After watching this video though, I realise that this may be a big factor. I’d love to learn more about this, but for now I’m going to watch this video again, and probably again and again.

Thank you for describing so many things that I really struggle with and have never been able to properly explain to other people!!

Hi @Autism from the Inside. A lot of what you say in this video is really well articulated, and something to resonates with me. I personally have a bit of an obsessive goal to finish tasks. I don’t feel comfortable if things aren’t done right, I constantly need reassurance. I’ll double and triple and quadruple check my work, even if I know it’s right. I’ll even do that thing that you mentioned about emails where I’ll analyse the email to make sure everything is correct, and then do it again after it’s sent! It’s quite an exhausting condition and way of being, but I don’t feel at ease if I don’t do this. I think it’s great that you’re bringing attention to this so that more people can understand us.

This very strongly resonates. I feel like you just described my ordinary way of being in the world (and I have wondered for the last ~20 years why so many people seemed to operate completely differently and somehow stayed employed and relatively anxiety-free). I have developed some mitigating strategies or behaviors over the years in an attempt to temper this and 'balance' out, but so many of the patterns seem hard-wired or baked-in. I think 'responsibility hyper-vigilance' is a good start for a description. If I think of anything better while dwelling on this later I will post again.

This resonates with my autistic experiences. It is so very rare that I can feel anything is actually done/complete... so badly now I almost sabotage my efforts to reach completeness just so I don't have to commit to it being complete. I can't pick out minor failings if I've pre-staged and acknowledged glaring incompleteness. I never have to accept that it isn't perfect if I accept that it is incomplete.

Wow, this is so cool that someone can point out something so clearly, out of my mind. That I have not think of in that kind of way. Good job recognizing it! And thank you!

YES!!!! I have struggled with the same problem especially at work. When given a new tasks from my boss my brain immediately goes back to every single instance I have done in the past and if all of those instances varied in some way I can't come to a conclusion as to which example to use. I get into paralysis from analysis.

This definitely resonates with me!! I don't know what to call it but it definitely helps to know that it's not just me 💜💜

Paul, thank you for describing me perfectly. I believe you are describing what, in business, is called operations management or logistics. It can be applied to everything from customizing a shipment for export, to your local library's children's programming, to planning an adhd/asd family outing for children and adults. You are correct when you say this isn't perfectionism, something I have been accused of many times - perhaps why I never could connect with Brene Brown, who I don't think was familiar with neurodivergence when I tried listening to her Ted Talks and reading her books. I haven't come up with a better term than hypervigilance/responsibility - although that immediately caught my attention! - but other key words are maximum, efficiency, quality, outcome, results, and communication.

All of the traits you mentioned at 100% relatable to me and caused me to reach the depressed/burnout state that started me on my journey to getting diagnosed with inattentive ADHD in my mid thirties. I honestly felt like I hadn't had a single proper day of rest in decades, while at the some time not accomplishing anything of importance. On top of that I am an INTJ mbti type which is naturally predisposed to planning for future events (predicted or prescribed), perfectionism and decision paralysis. The combination of my natural ability and giftedness allowed me to push myself too hard for too long as an undiagnosed ADHDer without prioritizing rest, and all the while making myself too exhausted to maintain my home or social life. Lately I have been trying to prioritize my needs. My need for rest IS IMPORTIANT.

You explained it better than any psychologist! Perfect.

Wow, this resonates a lot with me (officially non-autistic but still feeling like it software developer), especially regarding the work environment. I would love a follow-up video with a focus on how to clear your mind and find rest in this situation.

Attacked! 🤣🤣 This is me to a T and it is so exhausting. I have been towing the line with burnout and am realizing that this is one of the main reasons why. Personally, I like the term you already coined, "Responsibility-hypervigilance", as it's concise. Thank you for talking about this!

Responsibility-hypervigilance to my brain seems like a perfect wording for this phenomenon. Or at least extremely helpful. Thank you!

I am still just beginning to study out that I have autism. I have only known for a week. I am too young at this to believe I can give helpful advice as to a name. I do know that I was at a donut shop. There was a little girl there who was painfully bored. Her father was busy doing something. It was driving me absolutely crazy. I ask him if I could play with his daughter. She was really little. He gave me permission. When they left she gave me a huge hug. I do know I am never content with the amount I accomplish in a day. Google calendar has helped. I have a schedule and realize I have to be content with the fact that I will never be satisfied but life must move on. I delete things from my calendar when I have given it all the time I can realistically give it. I also have KZfaq on a different page than my main page. That allows me to walk away when I need to move on with my day

Hypervigilance is a good word, but I like to use the word conscientious to describe this trait to others. I remember being super obsessed with getting good grades in high school and when I got a C+ in not one but TWO classes, I had to ask to leave class not even 30 minutes in to go have a meltdown in the bathroom stall. Upon reflecting this incident, I realized that I never had parents that put pressure on me to get good grades or even cared to check them. It was coming from me. And when I would hear my peers get upset about their grades, it was usually because they knew their parents would be upset when they saw them. I also like your description of roles. I constantly find myself in leadership roles, but usually only second in command if that makes sense (like assistant manager vs. manager). When I got employee of the month at my first real job, it was for "taking initiative" which made me confused for the longest time because I thought I was just doing my job. Years later I realize I had a habit of asking management how to essentially do their job, always curious as to what they were doing and why, so that I could just do it myself if I felt I had to - and I often did. It was also just really reassuring to know if I was doing something well. This led to me getting promoted to management level (again, secondary role) where I was able to thrive and find joy in the work place. I love the anime Kingdom set in the Warring States Period of China and I always like to think of myself as the strategist/tactician Liao Diao (Ryo Ten). I like the idea of sitting atop a high hill looking down, strategizing and problem solving my way to a successful campaign rather than being the commander on the ground. Now, hopefully this stays an idea in my head and I won't need to strategize any real battles, but I do thank you for giving me better words to describe what I am best at to future employers.

superattention as for the perfectionism I sometimes say to myself things like 'good is good enough' or 'f*ck perfect' - I am reminded of a saying when screwing in screws that goes like 'after to tight comes lose' meaning to much pressure can break the screw. as for the person who told you a trait of burning bright, it is just one person judging one trait, so others might disagree with them or they might just see one angle. thx for sharing.

Dear Paul, I absolutely 100% resonate! Some how it it's a hyper-vigilance to percieved responsibility and also has an obsessive compulsive element to it. My suggestion would therefore be "altruistic obsessive compulsive hyper-responsibility"... Altruistic because the intentions are "well" meant to do good for others (help) and oneself (perfectionism/hyper-vigilance/safety) but the outcome often is not good eg. analysis-paralysis, time-blindness, social misunderstandings... Obsessive because we constantly are driven by these thoughts you've described and compulsive because we have the need or must act on these thoughts... Leading to exhaustion and a decrease in life quality... It's also obsessive compulsive because it does momentarily reward us with some level of satisfaction (enough to activate our brain's reward-system and creates routine/ addiction to this trait) but is sadly not long-term due to the negative impact on the immediate future. Hope my explanation made sense. And thank you so much, Paul, for sharing this concept and helping me to better vocalize my struggles to my caregivers! ❤😅🙏

I feel this. I have these traits. It helps me be a good acupuncturist and massage therapist, but I can get burned out a little quickly.

“I don’t have a medium setting” …I feel so seen. ❤

I relate to this so much. For me it id related to perfectionism, growing up feeling like something was wrong with me, and growing up in religion. I feel like the part of autism that has always made me aware that I am different has made me subconsciously feel like i had to be hypervigilant at doing things well least i be shunned by society. In growing up in religion i had a similar experience of always trying to be 'good' in order to be accepted and ultimately not go to 'hell', which always felt like an impossible task bc we are all human and cant get everything right all the time. All of this leading to me doing everything with the anxiety that I havent done the thing well and therefore will be cast out for it.

To pick nits: not "kind of resonates," rather, EXACTLY 100% I think that this does cover "all thee things," including the social characteristics [these tendencies are not at all about avoiding criticism, etc, but our own perfection] of Autism. I think two things about the desired term for this. First, it sounds like the Universal Description of what we used to call Asperger's. Secondly, if you can define a single terminology for this, you have solved many of the shortcomings of the DSM/ICD. After added trauma and extreme burnout, I've been stuck in this loop for at least 2 years! I find that it tends towards my OCD, but being Intentional OCD. That is, engaging OCD in order to seek complete unity between the being and the doing. I find that I get stuck in a two part false belief. The Spock Heart [perhaps a good term] in that I can imagine perfection; therefore, I can achieve perfection. Perfection defined as complete unity with IS. IS being reality. While reality is bigger than our minds, seeming more random than comprehendible. Carry on! I will say the title was quite intriguing because it instantly made complete sense. Fascinating! Sorry to wax philosophical, but it is 01:15 here and I'm still looking for mind exercises... Great video. I keep going back to Spock Mind or some such, understanding the thought, but not at all how I feel in the process. Process. I seek to perfect this - as when a toddler and trying to line my blocks up by each of their characteristics at once... never could, but kept at it for long periods of time... The universal theory of Asperger's... I'm maths challenged... maybe you can describe this with maths?

Perfectionism and extreme attention to detail is something I deal with too. With both autism and ADHD, getting anything done is complicated. Employers tend to want quantity over quality, which I have found puts me at a disadvantage. I don’t see perfectionism in the same way as you cited, however I definitely increased my vigilance as a kid simply to get things done, not lose things, turn assignments in, not miss an answer on a test, etc.

How about hyper awareness and compulsory guardianship? I certainly exhibit hypervigilance or hyper awareness, and have an unhealthy tendency to take responsibility for things that are beyond my remit either professionally, or as a member of society. Hyper awareness was a term I first came across in wolf behaviour: wolves are extremely observant to the point they csn spot a twig out of place on one of their regular trails. I once heard autistics being described as guardians who use their own time and energy to steward their environment, which might be at work or in civic spaces, such as looking after things, tidying up, litter picking, etc.

Holy cow, you've hit the nail on the head. This is why I can only successfully handle one graduate class at a time. I can't set any one ball down long enough to deeply focus on any of them if I've got multiple classes to work on. Absolutely paralyzing. While most students do their thesis project during their last semester of coursework, I couldn't focus on the thesis enough to even choose a topic until all of my coursework was done. Now that it's the only requirement left, I can fully focus on it and enjoy it. It's so freeing to be able to focus on just this one thing! It's a dream!

Your description “responsibility hyper-vigilance” very adequately describes and needs no adjustment. I recognise I do this too, and people always complain that I take too long; they never seem to appreciate my efforts to do the best that I can, and it can be frustrating, fatiguing, and yes, leading to burnout and stress from trying to hurry up and then hating myself for half-assed work.

Honestly responsibility hypervigilance may be the best term for it. It also sounds like something that could be extrapolated from the concept of monotropism, but it does deserve a name of its own.

I started watching your videos because my kid was diagnosed with mild austism and wanted to educate myself. I don't think I have autism but I can relate to the traits you described 120%. Nobody, not even me, has ever described it so well. I just organically developed all the strategies you mentioned to minimize the lifestyle effect of my "responsibility hyper-vigilance." I literally have to apologize in advance to my coworkers when I review their work. I would say, "It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a habit of repeatedly rechecking everything. Heck, I don't even trust myself, I quadruple check my work." Lately, I noticed that my daughter and I share several autistic traits and behaviors. For example, my daughter likes to line up equidistant objects. She would stare at the decorations I put in the kitchen because of how equally apart they are. Can someone have multiple autistic traits but have no autism?

In my therapy sessions, I’ve called this experience “Open Loops Hyper-vigilance” or “Completionism”, because if a task is left incomplete or outstanding, my brain will keep track of it, like an incompleted loop, regardless of whether I’ve written it down in my to-do list system (which itself always has the potential of being improved upon 😅). I actually started getting emotional and had a visceral response when you were saying “am I done? Is it really done? Is there anything I missed? Is there anything else I could potentially do?” Because the version I run through is “what’s missing? Am *I* missing anything? *Is* anything missing (meaning is this actually done and I can’t determine it)?” It’s incessant and its own repetitive thought process. I’ve been told I come across as though I’m always referencing a to-do list or itinerary, and in reality-yes. Yes I am. And then I get stuck in the paralysis amongst three pulling forces of “make sure you have everything” and “just do the thing” and “know when it’s done and just rest now”. I think this is why social situations are challenging too, because I’ve got open loops on the relational interactions as well as the items actually on my to-do list. But there are definitely upsides to this, because I know that pretty much, nearly 100% of the time, the final product or result I do put out from my efforts, are above and beyond what was asked or expected of me, and I’m quite happy of myself for doing that kind of good work. But I like how you’ve positioned resting and the self-validation that this way of wiring in our brains predisposes us to excellent effort and attentiveness. Here’s to our continual exploration with working with our brains!!

I can completely relate to that! That is exactly my life. 😊 I think 'responsibility hypervigilance' describes it the best. I've been looking for other terms, but I'm not sure whether they cover the trait completely: Restless Responsibility (Mindset), Mindful Overdrive, Chronic (Hyper)vigilance, Endless Accountability Drive, Conscientious Hypervigilance

Much love from the OC brother! I can relate! 1. I never finish my to do lists bc they are too huge. 2. I struggle to say it's "good enough" and feel I can ALWAYS do more. 3. After I'm done, I always later beat myself up and say I could have done it better. 4. I feel lazy if I rest with so much to do, always. 5. Not only do I read the email 100x before sending, I read it another 100x after sending it and beat myself up bc I could have done better. 6. I'm always looking to improve things I've done because my head says I can do it better. I go balls out in all that I do. 7. I'm a reggae artist and LOVE that you used to have dreadlocks and the vibes they gave you ! 🥰

The vid hasn't been streamed yet but are you me lol I've felt so responsible for other's wellbeing (including ants/other insects, humans/other animals) since I was really young. I distinctly remember when I was 5 wanting to cry about my sister's friend having to get a job in high school to financially support the friend's family and having to hold back tears and pretending like I was climbing on the couch to try and cover that I wanted to cry/in case tears came out. I think it relates/contributes to me not getting my needs met/getting taken advantage of. It also made me convenient to be turned into guardian's therapists from an extremely young age. Both had extremely traumatic childhoods so having an attuned child who was very forgiving, very trusting, very attuned, and could be manipulated was just perfect. I'm curious if anyone who feels hypervigilance and strong sense of responsibility have had early existential concerns/crises. I remember being 9 years old turning 10 and crying about it because it signified time passing by that my age reached double digits. I took dozens of photos of myself at 9 years old that day on a handheld camera that you could take in to some store and print the photos off. I cried again and took photos (albeit not as many) the night I turned 20. I also wrote myself a letter about where I was/feelings I had/thoughts I had/... that I thought future me might need to read/find comforting.