I'm Starting T??? + My Gender Dysphoria

I'm Starting T??? + My Gender Dysphoria | ChandlerNWilson

Рет қаралды 36,155

7 жыл бұрын

I'm an afab nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns. For the longest time, I was convinced that I would never start testosterone because I kept going back and forth between wanting to take it and being apprehensive. I finally figured out that I've been apprehensive about it because I've been scared about how doctors/companies/businesses will react to me. Recently however, I've been struggling an incredible amount with my gender dysphoria. I mean having literal mental breakdowns multiple times a day because I cannot handle how crippling my gender dysphoria is. For me, my gender dysphoria is spiked the most when I am called she/her/lady/miss/girl/ma'am/etc. When I am seen/perceived as a female, I am so deeply uncomfortable and miserable.
I decided to finally put my own mental health before my fears and go ahead and look into starting testosterone. I will still be agender and still use they/them pronouns. My identity has not changed. My appearance will. I would rather be seen/perceived as a male because it means that at least I'm not being seen as a girl. Think of this as more of a "social transition" from female to male. Our society is extremely binary oriented, so I know most people will immediately gender me either male or female. So I just want to be perceived in a way that is more comfortable for me. I'm not a boy. But I would rather people misgender me as a male than as a female. I've talked with other afab nonbinary people, and we have agreed that we would rather be seen as male because it means we aren't being seen as female (as we have been all/most of our lives). I like being seen as a boy because it means I'm not being seen as a girl. I'm not a boy.
My goal is to take testosterone to the point of getting a deeper voice and a more muscular build. I don't think I'll be taking testosterone for an extended period of time... just long enough to get some permanent masculine traits so that my body can be more androgynous.
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Пікірлер: 299

@saintsabe8632 7 жыл бұрын

You can go on T for a couple months and once your voice is deep enough you can go off if you want to

@elimyles9527 7 жыл бұрын

moving to Finland has released every gender stress I have ever had, because the whole of Finland is Non-Binary and the people don't go by anyone's gender, they go by "Han" which means person and they mostly use just your name. Over here for me as a non-binary person is the best place plus the non-binary bathrooms 😆. If anyone even wants to get away from all the gender stress come to Finland 🇫🇮

@exclusiveboi1723 7 жыл бұрын

Hi Chandler, I am in a very similar boat. I feel so uncomfortable when referred to as "lady" at work or in public, and the thought of becoming a fully grown woman cripples me to the core. I, too, want to go on T so that my voice changes, my facial hair will grow, and ultimately so I am not read as female. I hate that our society is so binary and I feel like T only continues this further, as if I must be one or the other in order for me to be comfortable in these social situations. My mum says we can go speak to someone about it, but how do I find a psychologist like you have done? Thanks :)

@DirewolfGabe 7 жыл бұрын

I work retail and people who you encounter are the worst - I remember checking out a lady and she was correcting her child saying "you call him sir, not ma'am". This video made me feel like I was watching myself pre-everything. I did not pass at all as a boy simply because of my high pitched voice and not being allowed the freedom to cut my hair despite being over the age of 18 (Latinx family culture and all). Testosterone did alleviate my gender dysphoria, which was primarily my voice being the main issue that gave it all away because everyone said I looked like a guy with long hair when I show them old pictures. While now it's definitely worlds better, I still silently struggle when being a called a guy, dude, bro, etc. at work because it makes me feel odd but I know that I shouldn't bring attention to it at work.

@BemusedErmine79 7 жыл бұрын

My boyfriend telling me I'm beautiful/handsome along with loving my half shaved hair(each side is fully shaved with the middle reaching below my shoulder blades) really helps. I've gotten to a place where I let my upper lip grow out and I don't care as much-really only I'm I'm haven't a fem day. Having someone in your life that respects you and tells you that you are great just the way you are. That they love you for being that person. Seeing them stand up for you when they know you can't. Those are the moments that keep you going.

@maysonpersson9010 7 жыл бұрын

I totally understand you, and feel partly the same. Stay strong, do whatever feels right. I will always support you and want to follow your journey!❤️❤️

@sawyerzeece1427 7 жыл бұрын

aww chandler i support you 100% either way! Love you to the moon and back and hope you feel better soon!

@DutchDigit 7 жыл бұрын

This vid hit me so hard. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it makes me feel like I am not alone.

@raephillipssmith4125 7 жыл бұрын

😃 I'm very excited for updates on this! I'm in the same situation. I think you're a beautiful person and I wish you all the best. 💚

@theycallmesomething4532 7 жыл бұрын

"I like being seen as a boy because I don't like being seen a girl, not because I like being seen as a boy."

@ashmcarthur3155 7 жыл бұрын

I went through the same thing, I'm an FtM cashier that was already intending to be on testosterone in the next year or two but hearing customers and colleagues misgender me and deadnaming me (sometimes customers call me by my birth name and it's rly uncomfortable) gave me a ton of insecurities over my name and made the need for testosterone a lot more intense and I'm still trying to sort things in that regard (I'm very lucky in the sense that I'm in a country where we have free healthcare so I don't need to worry about insurance) you do what you need to do to be safe and comfortable in your own skin, we'll have your back the whole way through ❤

@ghostlain 7 жыл бұрын

I'm agender as well and sometimes it is hard for me too, I'm here for you :)

@airohwalker2478 7 жыл бұрын

I am also agender and I have been feeling the exact same way lately. This was really validating and comforting. Thank you!

@sofiejackson6489 7 жыл бұрын

I will support you either way hope you feel better I feel bad😯

@revoleotion 7 жыл бұрын

While watching this video, I thought about something you said in a comedy video, something like "there is no passing as a non-binary. People don't look at you and think 'hey this person is a non-binary!' That is no thing."

@shelbymckenna2083 7 жыл бұрын

After watching this I just keep thinking how much this makes sense. I identify as afab nonbinary as well, and starting T has been a huge mental battle for me. On one hand I know it would help me feel more comfortable with my own features, but on the other I feel like many would view it as more of a political statement, and that's what I'm most afraid of. I fear most people would ID me as trans, leaving me to feel even more invalidated with my gender. This has gotten v ramble-y and you're probably not even reading it all, but your videos have helped me so much in my journey of self acceptance and validation, and I can't thank you enough. I'll look forward to the updated response!

@rileyramirez826 7 жыл бұрын

I relate to this so freaking much. Like, everything you just said really hits home. And you making this video is just so great because it affirms how i feel and makes me feel more secure in whatever decision I make. Please do what you believe will make you the happiest you can be. And please continue to share your experiences and thoughts with all of us.

@ShekelLeija 7 жыл бұрын

It's really sad you have to go through that because of this society. You're doing this for your mental health, don't worry about what the people you've influenced think. The most beautiful part of being part of this community is to understand and support each other. At least I know it's not easy for you to do this, and I know I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing this with us, I've learned so much from you and still learning! Love you, hope everything turns out right for you <3

@GramGramAnimations 7 жыл бұрын

As an AMAB person, I had a lot of dysphoria and started taking hormones before coming out. I definitely didn't wanna be seen as a boy, and was more comfortable with being seen as a girl, despite not quite identifying with either.

@evag-s5177 7 жыл бұрын

I have a playlist on my phone that's purpose is to alleviate dysphoria, anxiety, etc. Whenever I feel particularly bad, I listen to that to calm me down. Music in general helps a lot.