Let this be a lesson to anyone willing to attack Mark. You could probably just stand still and Mark will end up hurting himself.

Did you just... test that on your broken foot?

I love watching mark struggling to put together a dummy and realizing he went to college for engineering.

mark genuinely thinking that the rape whistle is to.. defean an assaultent instead of alert others is honestly peak comedy.

Sometimes it hits me occasionally, to think this is the same guy who comforted my crying sister at a comicon once upon a time.

Favorite Mark Quote, “Newton’s Laws are a bitch”

Honestly is someone pulled out a collapsible staff when squaring up I’d be terrified

mark: “ im not a masochist” also mark: “ow this whip hurts real bad” *whips himself again*

Wait, so I'm confused. Am I supposed to buy one of these items to defend myself, or am I supposed to call Markiplier when a threat arises? Does he come with a self-defense item included, or should I have one on me? And when Markiplier attacks me, do I call Markiplier to protect me from Markiplier? I have so many questions.

Alternative Title: Unsupervised Hyperactive Man-Child Plays With Potentially Dangerous (Discounted) Weapons

Markiplier was ADHD mode throughout the whole video, this video made me laugh more than I ever did in my life

Mark: "I'm not a masochist" Also Mark, mere seconds later: Bonks mannequin head on head

"YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK...from me...WHO'S PROTECTING HIMSELF...from you! And you're about to be DESTROYED! Except, you have ME on your side!" -Markiplier 2021

this video is a perfect summary of Mark's being

"You're in a peculiar situation of having too much money." Can't relate.

Imagine trying to attack Markiplier and he just pulls out a whip and starts smacking you to death lol

Alternative Title: I’m a man who owns five ovens, several tactical shovels and now self defense weapons

The chances of seeing Markiplier angrily walking towards you in a dark alleyway is low, but never zero.

2:14 “DYSLEXIA OVERLOAD” *Me, bursting out laughing in the corner of the room.*

Mark going through the 5 stages of grief while trying to build Steve is such a mood.

"I'm NOT a masochist!" -Mark, literally hundreds of times right before he willing puts himself in pain, as if he was some sort of masochist.

Friendly reminder he is NOT A MASOCHIST just testing the limits of his body.

I like how it went from non deadly to staving in the eyes

"You're under attack from me! Who's protecting myself from you!"

So I'm being attacked by Mark because mark is defending himself from attacking me but luckily i have mark on my side. Seems legit

I also like how Markiplier is actively trying to replace the one thing he truly lost, not unus annus, not even Ethan, his dearly beloved tactical shovel...

I’m sorry but the line “you gotta keep yourcount aselfable” had me cracking up. Ps: I think he forgot to pop up the little thing to blow up the tough guy.

“IMMA NA DIEEEEE IMMMMM GOINGGGGG TOOOOOO DIEEEEEEEEE” was majestic 20:06

this feels like mark kidnapped us and is showing us how not to get kidnapped next time but he's not very experienced

"Don't try this at home" *is trying it at home* "Be careful" *hits himself with the tactical whip*

I love how Mark is like “I’m not going to use these on myself. I’m not a masochist.” And lixian disproves that statement almost immediately 😂😂😂😂

14:47 *rattles of list* "I'm not going to remember any of those" Relatable

I imagine if a thief broke into Mark’s house, it would be several minutes of them trying to harm or steal from mark, who is defending himself with an assortment of devices ranging from questionable to outright stupid. Eventually the thief just says ‘you know what, fuck this” and leaves.

Markiplier "i'm not a masochist" Also markiplier "i need a woman who can crush my head between her thighs, it's not sexual it's a power thing"

"today we are going to test non lethal options of self defense items" *Pulls out a mini-axe with ten sharpened butt plugs*

29:07 After watching Hard2Hurt, I realize that Mark does NOT know how to fight. The tacticle whip is easily the best self defense tool in this lineup. The flashlight baton they chose has many issues, as it can easily be grabbed by the aggressor, very obvious you have it, seems rather difficult to activate the taser aspect (Especially under pressure of a real fight), and Mark doesn't even really test how blinding the light aspect is. I also noticed how Mark didn't follow through with their strikes using the tacticle whip. It doesn't bounce back if you FOLLOW THROUGH, and that also amplifies the damage! Not to mention people can't really grab it too well in terms of leverage due to the pliable nature of a whip. And you can SWITCH to lethality by using that sharp tip of the handle in close range.

"because people might mistake me for some kind of masochist, which isn't true" *thinks back to the 100,000 steps in a day video*

“DYSLEXIA OVERLOAD” Man, an entire year with Ethan on *REDACTED* really did a number on Mark.

The noise thing actually seems useful for SA resistance. I would still recommend carrying a weapon as well in case the attacker isn't discouraged. (pepper spray, tazer, etc.)

This is literally on the top of my list of videos that make me laugh every time! Mark has literally pulled me out of depression countless times. With Mark tries, Mark’s mom, Unus Anus, Try not to Laugh and so many more he never fails to cheer me up when I’m down.

Every time Markiplier claims he's "not a masochist" it's immediately followed by him getting hurt somehow

Mark: "Your gonna hurt yourself before you hurt them." Me: so thats not self defense its self offense

I love that right after he says im not gonna test the weapons on myself he proceeds to hit himself with steve mate really forgot that people might mistake him for a masochist

If Markiplier has an electric baton he is gonna end the world as we know it.

Mark: “He’s probably not got a lot of electrical resistance on him” Steve: Is rubber

I keep remembering Sean saying about mark “I can’t tell if he’s a genius or an idiot”

Mark:I'm NOT a masochist Also mark:*almost broke a window*

What made people think those pop out canes are a self defence thing? They’re a magicians cane, it’s literally just a magic trick, it can maybe hurt you if you fuck up whilst deploying it cause the metal can be a little sharp but it’s literally thin aluminium

Marks doctor sees title and thumbnail: "sigh, nurse get a bed ready" Nurse: "why?" Doctor: "just a feeling"

“PeOpLe mIgHt mIsTaKe Me FoR a M a S o C h I s T” oh no good sir, there’s no mistake.

The Ham-axe-ench multitool actually does serve one potential useful purpose in self defense: It looks like a tiny hatchet in the dark. Hold it up and charge at your attacker while screaming. If they have any sense, they'll think you look insane and will run away.

"You're under attack from me, who's protecting himself from you; you're about to be destroyed, except you got me on your side, and on my side, are discount Amazon self defense weapons!" - Mark Edward Fishbach, March 18th, 2021

I was honestly waiting for mark to be like “why isn’t this working” *tases himself*

What fills me with joy is that steve is apparently shorter than mark which in my eyes would imply that mark is defending himself from a child

When he said “IM GOING TOOOOOO DIEEEEEEE” I honestly vibed to that

“You gotta keep your count aselfable” fav quote

mark: *literally was gonna be an engineer* also mark: *struggles to put together a training dummy*

Guys, he's not a sadist. He just wants to see how far he can push Steve's body.

He’s making this video to hard to watch at 1am while my family is sleeping 😂😂

Watching him try to build the mannequin is like a man trying to figure out the female anatomy 😂

I don’t think Mark has interacted with another human being in a while.

Mark: "I'm not a masochist." Also mark: hates manaquins (buys one), whips himself, flogs himself with a wallet, plays with a knife (scaring himself in the process), and stabs his hand with a spike.

You gotta love Mark for testing and approving Amazon self-defence weapons for the safety of the viewers, The True King Of Fnaf and KZfaq!

We ain’t gonna talk about how at 11:49 he was actually about to break his window

Mark: "It's a tactical PEN" Me: "Alright, calm down Percy Jackson"

Him almost testing the window on his own window killed me

I would not have expected to be so wonderfully entertained with the subject of self defense. I should have known better Mark is both a comic genius and an amazing likeable personality. I have never subscribed to a channel so quickly in my life. You are brilliant and seem like an amazingly fun person to be around!

"You're under attack from me, who is protecting himself from you. You're about to get destroyed, except, you've got me on your side." - Markiplier Logic 2021

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM MARKIPLIER: stand still. He’ll probably just get himself hurt.

I used to feel bad about being dyslexic, but after this video, I’m glad to say I’m happy to be a happy problem

15:48 Those things are commonly used here in Japan too. Very useful. When you're being targeted or attacked, you pull the pin and then throw it. The attacker would usually go for the alarm since it's out and attracts people. That's when you run away

"can't get Steve off" It's OK Markiplier, everyone's needs are different

I love how he’s still trying to defend him not being a masochist

20:35 he he he he

Ease of use, Speed of Deployment, and *paaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn* gotcha

Markiplier: "Non-lethal weapons" Also Markiplier: "Crack their skulls open"

Discount John Wick presenting his equally discounted equipment.

24:18 I was laying in bed, about to fall asleep, and the balloon popping startled me awake 😂

20:08 are we gonna talk about how clean that was tho

Markiplier: People might mistake me for some kind of masochist. The people of a certain one year channel: Stop lying to yourself Mark...

mark hitting highnotes while he says he is going to die makes my ass laughing rolling on the fooor

The part where Mark's head explodes always gets me 🤣🤣🤣. 3:54

Mark would be the one Jedi to impale himself with his own lightsaber.

If mark was charging at me in a dark alley I'd just accept my fate, there is nothing I can do to prevent my inevitable demise at the hands of such an unstoppable man

Mark trying to put on that bracelet was like a mission impossible scene 😂

This is a perfect representation of my ADHD when “nothing” is going my way. 🤣

Mark: "I'm not a masochist" Also mark: "Tactical whip."

I've been crying and laughing this whole time. You're still very funny I use to watch you a while ago when I was younger. You're the best you definitely put a smile on my face today 😁

you know the best part about this is not the actual review but mark attempting to assemble the damn dummy 🤣

The public: Why does Mark go to the hospital so much? Mark: Records himself showing off cheap self defense weapons and pointing a taser at his face.

"You're under attack from me, who's protecting himself from you, and you're about to be destroyed, exept ...you've got me on your side" ... I can already tell this is going to be a great video

“You gotta keep your count a selfable” realest shit since the 1800’s

The alarm is to alert people surrounding you that you are being attacked so you get help

Mark is like a child trapped in a mans body, that’s what makes him so great

Lixian is a miracle worker when it comes to editing Mark's videos. He just knows how to make it work and, at times, adds even more humor to them. The perfect match to this lovable and chaotic human being.

I have one of those ring pin alarms thing and I attached it to my bookbag. Not even before I left my damn dorm it got stuck to the chair as I went to swing the bookbag on and the pin came undone. I immediately realized the same could happen when I’m in class😂

Mark: “You see me, coming at you, really fast with anger on my face.” Me: Hee hoo?

Marks transformation into Keanu Reeves is nearly complete.

the "screechers" as i call them are more of an alarm for other people if your getting taken or robbed than a self defense tool. That's why they come out so easily

8:08 how Batman be like after he beat the living hell out of a man who accidentally dropped a plastic water bottle on the sidewalk