A secure person would walk away. I was with a DA for a long time. During a long period of no contact I became secure. When she came back I found her behavior intolerable and ended it.

Won't commit? Ha! My DA won't even return texts. 😂

This is great advice if you have a Secure Attachment style and are deeply emotionally invested in one particular DA who's willing to do the work. It's questionable how many SAs would get that far with an unhealed DA. If you listen carefully to the wording here, it sounds a lot like an instruction guide or communication script for those who want to interact with a DA from a secure attachment style approach. I believe there was a comment requesting this type of video, so Thais obliged the commenter based on her interactions with DAs in her personal life, practice and in her school. These DAs were likely willing and wanting to learn about attachment style and put in the work to become secure. The truth is, not all DAs are alike and not all SAs are alike. Listen to your internal wisdom. If you're dealing with a DA who has had ample opportunity to show up for you and hasn't, you don't have to give them one more second of your valuable time. You have the option to walk away as the most some DAs would ever give you are lessons, wisdom, knowing, discernment and the inspiration to securely attach to you. Sometimes, that is the gift, and the onus is not on every other attachment style to repeatedly approach and cater to a DA who is unwilling to prioritize them on equal footing. If they put work, hobbies, friendships, past-times and creature comforts above you and you're always last on the list, what is that telling your inner child about how important they are? I'm SA and I wouldn't waste my time on conversation after conversation I must initiate time and time again to express interest while a DA continues to de-prioritize me. It's OK to choose you. That's what the DA does, chooses themselves (even if it's indirectly by meeting their survival needs, distracting and engaging with friends, hobbies or work). It feels safer and more fulfilling to be with someone who doesn't put you last on the list. If you're not on their list, why would they remain on yours? You're the gift. You're here learning. They're not.

I’m quite secure but started seeing my DA a year ago (we knew each other a for a few years). I have never had such a traumatic experience but I moved through it once I educated myself on DA’s. Secures are liable to be pulled anxious. I went through extreme anxiety when my DA pulled away, went hot and cold, acted weird, etc. I’ve never experienced this before. I have seriously educated myself on his attachment style; I knew he was very abused as a child. I became aware of distancing strategies and how to respond and I pulled myself out of the quicksand of his dysfunction. Thais gives advice as to how many secures will react, but I can assure you, DA’s can pull secures into severe anxiety if they’ve never encountered these behaviors. I think a great video for her would address this situation. I’m in a much better situation now with him because I know how to handle him. He’s very much worth it and the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Because I’m secure, I was able to recognize the dysfunction and pull myself out!!! I think that is a major difference from an AP or FA with a DA. He is becoming more secure within the relationship as I regulate my emotions to him. My calmness calms him.

Total flip of script for me. My DA pushed to be in an all in committed relationship in the first month. As an AP I thought it was way too fast but I gave in. Then the DA broke up with me 6 months later. DA’s have to be in the driver seat at all times with no compromise. Compromise equals pressure or criticism to them.

Im FA, dated DA female for 6 months and she wouldn't commit. About 3 weeks ago I made the decision to walk away. I do miss her but I had to put myself first.

As an FA would do: Tolerate their absurdity until you tell them the needs you want met. Reevaluate in a set time then wait for them to cross that same line again, which leads to a blow up "this isn't okay' list of things they did that were not up to your standards... and so now you're both strangers. Followed by radio silence for multiple months, if not forever.

Bottom line is if a DA is not prepared to heal themselves and want to, you need to move on, these chats are nice in theory but they just agree with you to appease you

As a woman easy solution, move slowly in the physical department which will keep you from getting too attached too fast, i always keep my legs closed until i am in a committed, monogamous relationship, and that is a bare minimum of 2-3 months down the road, usually i am more comfortable with 3-4 months, i like to really get to know someone on a mental and emotional level first. If a guy isnt ok with waiting and making a commitment first then im gone, theres plenty that dont mind that.

They would have that conversation and leave ✌🏾

If you have to negotiate exclusivity you are already too late. Seeing more people at once at any stage in life stems from maximizing mindset, which is essentially insecure attitude towards life and self. Soon after a person stops seeing other people for the sake of commitment - it is expected of chosen partner to compensate for the lack of options. This puts the relationship into spiraling pattern of power struggle pointless arguments... Just face it people - we need to learn temperance and chastity. Everything else is bargaining with misery - and often others are left to pick up the pieces.

The DA I tried to date, had one 2 year relationship in his life, never lived together. He's 51 yrs old and no kids. I was never going to get a commitment from him. I never took it personally, he prioritized other things before relationships.

My avoidant didn’t behave like an avoidant until the 3 plus months had passed. THEN he became distant while still present in person. Ignored me, paid no attention to what I was saying or asking. I tried to accept this for several months but finally broke up with him.

I did exactly that to him (DA). Gave space, not pushed and yet...1.5 year later we broke up as he isn't ready to commit altho he has been always telling me he want to be in a serious relationship 😢

Love your insights. Been there done that. Ask yourself, unless you are married n totally invested (even then, for how long) ..why would you make so much effort for anyone who is not meeting you at the halfway mark? If you are truly secure, i mean, truly truly secure then you won't put up with a flip flop. After initial mourning you will say a goodbye. The only time you will consider bending over backwards over n over again, will be if any remnants of any insecurity are left in you. So the point is, work is still left to be done on YOU. No one should get the power to disturb your sense of security long n deep enough that you start to question yourself. Period.

I agree about the timelines for moving from the dating stage to a commited relationship. However, I would not date someone (with physical intimacy) for several months without being exclusive. If I give something a chance, I would focus on that person and expect the same from them. If someone isn't willing to be monogamous, I think chances are low that they will "suddenly" cut their other contacts and commit to me further down the road. I wouldn't want to get hurt that way and wouldn't do this to someone else.

I dont even have to watch the video to know that a secure would just leave a DA in the dust and not put up with their BS

As a former DA I will say that, if they are actively putting in the effort and you really care for them, hang in their. It's hard for us.

So, when I detach, when I let go, and when I focus on myself, and not the relationship, and I move on, she comes back. And for a few days, it looks really good, and will have two hours of good conversation, and then it turns negative. and I'm not reacting anymore. And all I can feel is empathy. Because she's got these blinders on. And I'm just gonna stay silent now, and just observe. And not react let's see if the behaviour changes. I do love her. And I really do think it's my responsibility to raise my levels and try to help her become more secure. Because her behaviour is driven by fear, she's attached to outcomes that haven't even occurred. It's almost like she manifests failure. Or she tries to predict the future which is catastrophic. So, it's time to be understanding, and to practice compassionate, curiosity right now. Stay kind, and see if her behaviour changes based on my actions and non reactions. She is a beautiful soul after all. She is worthy, and she is deserving of my love. As I am of hers. The question is right now is she willing to receive and give. I might not be the one, and I'm OK with that. All I know is I hope she finds it.

I had my last conversation with her. I have made a decision to move on.

Thanks for this video, I’ve had this conversation with a DA for 3 years, back and forth, just waiting for change (I had high hopes 😔) So I blew up a few weeks ago, just lost it, felt my time has been wasted. Of course he blocked me 🤷🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ why are relationship’s so hard. By the way I’m AP, leaning or learning to be secure. I think I’ll just be single for now.

I told him that. I was asking him about his timeline. He said he needs more time. It’s 8 months and knowing him a year I finally walked away. I love him but I wasted to much time. Him being a player entered my mind and eventually I thought I was unfit for him

I think my ex is DA, and normally I'm secure, but when he pulled away the love almost overnight, I became anxious, trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. He says he doesn't know what happened, that he got paralyzed. He went from being an incredible and loving and attentive partner to barely even fulfilling the role of a friend - which he was to me for about 16 years before we reunited as lovers. He says I'm amazing and perfect and he's feeling insecure about not matching my level of romance. Then how he wants to meet my needs, but can't. It's all so confusing. He ended up saying he thinks he's bad for my health, and broke things off with me. I just said, OK and goodbye. I'm so hurt.

So, You're not free to feel any feeling for this person unless and until you get to this point of joint willingness and desire to commit. This is what's difficult, stifling your feelings for someone for so long, waiting for them to get on board. By that time, you can forget abt genuine feelings. This is confusing.

A securely attached person isn’t going to even be a vibrational match to the utter mess that a DA is to be giving them more than 1 date and entertaining their fuckery .

I am securely attached and have done it exactly like this 😄 spot on

"Hey look I've really been enjoying getting to know you in these past .... and I would actually love to have an authentic commitment. I am not asking you to make this decision now, however I just wanna make sure we're on the same page and both actually wanna be a great team together! I value my own time and feelings so I don't wanna invest what you're not wanting to invest aka not feeling justified in investing with me." This sounds like such a 😍 thing to say to a person! Wow Thais!

Been dealing with a DA for a couple of years now. It’s a situationship that he claimed he wanted to turn into a relationship. I recently gave in after originally declining the relationship offer. We went on a couple dates, he started being more consistent in communication, and things were going okay until I asked him a question. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I already communicated my needs and he said he could meet them. Of course, that wasn’t true. I’m pretty much done this time, I’m no longer trying to meet him in the middle, I just wanna know how to end things in a way that will let him know I don’t want him to come back again like he always does after he disappears.

What does taking a step back mean then? She did not specifically say. This seems potentially very codependent, and could be dealing with a narcissist or narcissistic individual. You can stay stuck in a situation with these people who just string you/breadcrumb you along.

Yet another aweosme video!!! That communication is on point! Please do a series of how secure reacts to being ignored/blocked. Thank you for always showing up for us Thais. Love you❤

Thais… THANK YOU!!! Thank you for your wisdom, time, and willingness to share this information with us! These videos and all of your content have truly been transformational in my life and sooo key in helping me to better understand myself and loved ones! I’m extremely grateful and wishing you and the PD School so many blessings and growth along the way! I can tell that you run your business in excellence and with high quality! Your continued success is beyond deserved and I’m surprised all of your videos don’t go viral lol 💜💛

As a DA, i must say that its very difficult to be in relationship with us. At times you will feel like giving up on us. But trust me, we do love you, its just that our childhood was so cracked up that we need the healing touch to heal, also at the same time we also need to be self aware of our challenges and seek intervention to improve upon it. But its not like we don't love, its just that our methods are very very different.

This is such perfect timing for me to hear. The scripts and the compassion and understanding to follow up the need is incredible! You are such a gift! I have learned so much from you. 🙏❤️

Your videos are extremely helpful!

Woww I love the information provided here! Thais helps me learn things better than what I learn in my psychology course!!

Hi Thaïs, thank you for your videos, great as always ! A suggestion for a video: are there any "variables" to distinguish an extreme DA vs low DA? I feel like for a non-DA - or someone who is just learning about it - it might be difficult to gauge how much is too much eg. in terms of space, communication, behaviour that is acceptable for a DA. I have the impression that we might sometimes excuse poor behaviour as "high DA" but in reality is just poor behaviour regardless of attachment style. It would be great if you could give us some insight about this! Thanks!

Very helpful and condensed information! Thanks a lot!

Even though I feel like an Anxious, I believe I acted like a SA in the relationship. It was only at the 6 month mark, the end of our honeymoon phase that a work opportunity came up which would entail me moving further away, and what happened is the now' ex' DA (my knowledge of attachment styles came after the breakup to find out what happened to me) did not express any feelings/thoughts etc about this a move or whether it would impact him in any way. That got me wondering why wasn't he showing up for me, there were the months of deepening connection that previously were happening... it had been building up to and leading to this moment. And then nothing. When I confronted him about it - didn't he feel any type of way about this possible new challenge to our relationship- I was broken up with out of the blue, without any conversation being had. It took away my agency about the two of us being in the relationship together, and was a complete discard - I was totally expendable. I will not be quick to forget the uncaring for my needs in that moment or for how I would feel in the aftermath. Best to stay clear of DAs is the clear message

Wow. I’m more of a SA and less of a FA/DA/AA thanI thought I was. This is encouraging.

Great advice I needed this years ago but I have it now. Thank you

We cant get beyond the "FWB" stage. As soon as we get close he runs and doesn't contact me for 4-6 weeks... he finally opened up to me a few weeks ago and I don't think I handled it correctly. I did not validate his emotions... He has been distance, extremely distant ever since.

This is so good, great information!

DAs are sensitive around sensing their feelings. This was a great script how to own your innate wisdom and power. Self love and self consideration.

Thank you so much for the verbiage. I have the concepts but not always the words, as I'm healing myself. I appreciate this so much!

This is well explained as always. Thank you !

This is such good information!! ❤

Wow I feel seen here. Emotionally felt AP but a lot my behavior/communication was consistently hitting these themes (whenever my AP side wasnt being triggered lol). Thank you for walking us through 🙏

This was SO needed right now, thank you so much for the script, I didn't realize that I'm a lot more secure than AP, especially, thanks to your phenomenal videos & care to these important relationships!! Blessings! 💜🙏🏽💯

Thank you so much! Your content is always very useful to me! I was wondering is there any correlation between attachment styles and extroversion/introversion or 16 personality types? Thank you 😊

Beautiful Thais thanks a lot for everything ♥️♥️

I want to do this but honestly I’m so exhausted at this point I don’t know if I have the wherewithal to even pursue it any further. Also, do the DA’s ever “get better” or they always bolt bc I cannot imagine doing this forever.

So good!!

How will you know the person's attachment style in the early stages of dating, especially when Avoidants can come across as secure initially?

What ought to be talked about is bpd and other personality disorders and how many FAs may have it and don’t know. Attachment theory does not sufficiently inform about peoples psychological makeups esp for relationships.

I knew I was in trouble when after 2 years having this type of conversation 3-4 times , I was being more explicit and his response was “I must not love him if I will leave” Both in our 60”s living 3 states apart. Madly in love no money issues No issues at all. I was naïve and believed he needed time due to previous bad marriages. Long distance together then apart. Perfect for him.

Dear Thais, what if the DA is ready to commit ... but you realize that he is going to use some of their coping mechanisms like putting the relationship down, searching for flaws, looking at beautiful women, pulling back emotionally. What if they only commit to to downsized version of a relationship?

Really could’ve used this video a month and a half ago. But it is what it is. Thanks for posting.

Can you please create a video about immeshed DA? I’ve never heard of them before seeing your 4 types video and realized that I actually knew someone exactly like that

Omg.. I've fallen for this man that is long distance that I've only seen once. It's one year later & we're both still playing the "acting like we're together" but not officially together game. I'm so tired. My self esteem is destroyed partially by my own doing by staying & pushing/pulling as an fa myself. We're both FAs with him leaning more avoidant. I know I'm partially the problem. Idk what to do & I'm going crazy. 😢

Damn. I wish I knew this a year ago. Better later than never I guess.

AP's I have met were ready to be exclusive and asking to be my boyfriend at the second date!!! I'm FA leaning secure and to me, the perfect timing is 2 months. Or at least, I want to feel that things are moving foward.

Secure person in a long distance relationship would be amazing!

Not much of this made sense to me. I've never been able to understand dating but not being committed. I thought when you ask someone out you are saying you want to commit to them. Like this idea of not being exclusive when you're dating never made sense. Like if someone asks you out and then another night they go out with someone else, that's cheating because they were dating someone already. What if this whole concept of not being exclusive or not wanting to marry the person you ask out, is really just cheapening relationships? *edit* unless one person said they were polyamorous before asking the other out and both parties knew going in there was never going to be exclusivity

Epic

This is all way too complicated for me. I think of you have to think about things this hard you are REALLY overthinking things and just need to go it alone and meditate, pray and see how happy you get yourself by yourself without all this desperate stressing out which is REALLY bad for your health. This is certainly nothing to do with true love 🤣🙏🏻 Love yourself first and show yourself the proper amount of self respect self care and self honour, forget about needing another to be whole - just be fully you and see who you bump into next! ❤

I’ve reached my threshold. It’s been 7 months. He doesn’t want to label us and only see each other Friday and Saturday nights. Text and talk everyday. I want more. How do I communicate this? I’m prepared to walk away if I need to.

“Hey look u really been enjoying getting to know you I’ve had a great time theses past few months & im definitely in a place where I can see this going somewhere while I’m not saying this has to be an immediate decision I’m letting you know that I desire a commitment long term that’s the path I see this taking but I also value and care about my own time & so I don’t want to be investing w/o that intention in mind for the future if you’re not on the same page, so what I am needing from you is a confirmation that you also see this moving in that type of direction long term” if y’all wanna switch it up but here’s what she said

I've been seeing a DA for about a year now, we have not been seeing other people. He lives an hour away and he does have a very, very busy schedule plus he's been in several very abusive relationships. I have been super patient with him. I don't want a lot from him and I think that's what has made it work this long, I asked him to just be sure to tell me if he changes his mind about me or if he wants to see other people. He said "okay". I'm an FA that has been moving more and more towards secure, I just about to the SA, where I don't take things personally and I am considering myself more often. What I am trying to figure out is what to say when I AM ready for more and how to frame what I say based on this script. Any ideas?

Im really ben enjoying getting to know you im really had a great time in the past few monts?????? The DA. know you are lie!

I'm SA and he's DA. I enjoy your videos and all the knowledge you give out. I have tried just about everything. Nothing works. He's nonchalant about it every time. We just reconnected after a little over a year of me going no contact. We're back to the same thing going in circles and him being non committal. It's been several years now. I'm at the point of convincing myself I'm not good enough for him.

Where was this 12 years ago? Stuck in the grey area for 12 yrs.

It makes me sad that I watched this now. I pushed my DA/FA away because of pigeonholing them for a decision at 4 months if we were going to work on a relationship or close our book. Please don't make that mistake that I did out of being anxiously attached or FA with AP.

So, what do I do if I've been through all this, said "goodbye, wish you the best, seems our goals are not a match," and the person keeps trying to engage, like nothing happened, every month or 2, for years? Even if I don't respond ... at all. The person is definitely an avoidant, but maybe this is beyond insecure attachment. Is there a difference between trying to pull me into a situationship I've said I don't want and hoovering?

I’m assuming this is for early relationship discernment, not mid-relationship or deciding whether to get back together?

It’s 2 months we broke up. Dated for 4 month. Total no contact now. Did your DA ever came back? Share your experience please 😢

It seems that 2.5 to 4 months is just too short of the time to get to know somebody well enough to truly commit to a person long term. I am curious to learn about the stats on this, and understand how 2-4 months was concluded for secures. I personally, as a secure, in my early 40's, don't see that I'd really get to practically know someone enough to commit to them. I'd say to definitely use the 90-day probation rules that jobs use to know if someone can be a good match. Still, 6 months seem much more like a good time to see if a relationship is a match for entering a ltcr.

i feel like my DA took "I don't need an answer now but I'd like to know you see it moving in the same direction" as him needing to decide like right that minute anyway if he wanted to marry me xD

A commitment??? I have an online-only relationship with my DA! What do I do about that, Thais?

What his response is, “why don’t I matter more than your timeline?”

He does not want to commit. I think he just doesn't like me 😂

The da, in my exp would turn you into an AP or FA unless you’re secure secure secure tho Like I was pretty secure but he kept dodging my questions But seemingly trying to keep the connection lukewarm Now I’m just a ball of nerves No contact now

Can a fearful or Dismissive avoidant attachment style heal and become a secure ?

I dont know about timelines because i dont keep track of it but i base my investment on how things are going. I'm not quick to bail and will give the person an opportunity to resolve issues. If i see manipulation, i will see how they handle the new guidelines but typically, its done. Some people get defensive but do hear you and try so you cant just bounce. But healthy people give you feedback that you are heard. It should feel natural. There will be doubts and insecurities in the bond until its been proven to be reliable. Secure people are insecure too. The difference is that their emotional response is appropriate for the circumstance. And they will listen to that feeling and take action to correct it either in themselves or within a relationship. A secure person knows that ending a relationship is sad and will suck but its okay. If i am with someone then my life is exciting because i share. If i am alone my life is exciting because its unlimited. Just like having the craving to have a partner i also have the craving to be single. Thoughts and feelings aren't facts and you have the ability to dictate the path of your life by your actions. Relax, enjoy life and let things flow

Will giving a DA something shiney to stare at help ?😅😅😅😅

I was in a long distance situationship with this type of partner,He know what I want but didn’t giving me.I was loyal to him but he is not. I stopped talking to male friends in the department because of him but he is not doing it himself. A few days ago he wished the girl on her birthday by taking a separate single selfie with a girl.I blocked him for this reason. Is it possible to get what I want?

I am not a DA (I am secure leaning anxious) but if someone (anyone) had this conversation with ME (ie putting the time frame and saying they need to see things progression), I would most likely run for the hills. 😀🤷🏼‍♀️ Does anyone else (not identifying as DA) feel like they would react like this?!

When a secure dates a Secure and it falls over, who do they blame? They go, "wow we understood each other so well" Truth is , it was boring. Get out there and find an AP wanting growth and get value.

“X, Y, Zed?” I’ve never heard an American use the term Zed in stead of Z. Is this a new trend?

lol love how all of this advice is bend over backwards to cater to the DA.

Your description of people being comfortable dating someone for months without any exclusivity just seems bizarre, terrifying, and thoroughly uncomfortable and unsatisfying to an anxiously attached person. (You use the word "commitment" but that's what I understand "commitment" as committing to. A relationship could involve spending more or less time together, and could of course be ended at any time by either party, but usually the one distinguishing feature that makes it a committed relationship is exclusivity.) Like that does not work AT ALL for me. How do people even do that? If I like someone enough to even want to continue taking the time and effort and spending the money to meet up and hang out with them, then I DEFINITELY do not want them seeing anyone else, period, after the first few dates. If I don't care about whether they are seeing other people, then I do not care enough to bother continuing to see them or getting to know them, at all, and wouldn't bother because I have lots and lots of better things to do with my time and energy, and would not care if I never saw them again. Also, I would conclude that they just didn't like me or vibe with me enough for me to bother with, if they're not sure pretty quickly whether they like me vs however many other guys better. Being in competition with a bunch of other guys is not my idea of a good time, when it's statistically improbable that I'm the best among those at just about anything. It just seems like an automatic losing proposition, accompanied by massive stress and unhappiness at a time that SHOULD be happy. This might work if people did not kiss or have sex with anyone until they were actually in a committed relationship, but when people are usually kissing on the first date and having sex within the first few dates, this not at all realistic to expect. It's not a prospect that leaves me in a position to even be a good potential partner to someone I actually like. I'm going to be stressed and jealous, ending up far more needy, controlling, or whatever else than I would normally be. This is why dating as usually understood in the modern world just does not work for anxiously attached people. They may try to participate in it sometimes, but it's like being in a scary, stressful alien world where they're acting (and trying to hold it in) most of the time and unlikely to have any success or enjoy the process. The only exception is if they just try to sleep with people they don't care about and then move onto the next person before they really start to care, but then it's a casual sexing market, not a dating market. It's not what most people really want, but rather what they use as a coping mechanism when they can't get what they want. Of course women on the receiving end of this don't end up getting what they want either, if they're also looking for people willing to work toward commitment. Anxiously attached people aren't going to stick around for long enough without exclusivity (or a lot of conflict and drama over the issue) to ever find that out. And the women will conclude that those people are just super antsy and anxious and insecure generally (or else douchebag players), when it's really just being in that particular situation that's triggering their insecurity. All the actual relationships I have been in started either by the woman approaching me, introducing herself, and essentially asking me out, or by us mutually (whether online or in person) figuring out we really liked each other BEFORE we even went on a date. That's what works for me. Dating doesn't, at all, without some expectation (unrealistic these days) of "no sex before commitment" or of just dating only one person at a time (say in a given month).

Why people feel the need for it to be a committed relationship is beyond me.

Ok DAs. Be careful who you date because unless they are SAs it will feel like you are having to constantly babysit this person and their emotions. It will feel like you are constantly having to say "yes I care" and will seem like you are being nagged. But remember to come out of your own head to spend time with them so they know that you actually do care

MJMont-fh8wv Wow, I really love this comment so much. It could very well have been myself who wrote that. I would like to think of myself as a secure female but think I’ve become AP due to my DA. I’m so not used to this, never heard of attachment styles until recently. I’ve been somewhat hurt by the avoidant behavior, but shown patience in trying to understand why on my own. Discovering this channel is helpful but kind of scary too… However, he is worth it, as you say, and is possibly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Best part is, he is 100% opposite in every way to my ex, who was most probably a narcissist, though was very expressive, haha. My DA is sweet, generous, sensible, smart, loving (in his own love language), and adorable. I’ve known him for over 3 years, seeing each other for over one year, and I do hope it works out; I think he does too.

A commitment??? I have an online-only relationship with my DA! What do I do about that, Thais?