“Well hi there, folks! It’s been a while!” Ponder’s shrill, faux - game show host voice slices through the stiffening air. The man in the TV raises his right arm, revealing a white rabbit hand puppet encapsulating his hand. A wide, menacing grin stretches across its face.
“I hope you’ve all missed me just as much as I did! We’ve got a LOT of catching up to do, but time is of the essence! And… “ Ponder’s tone drops to a snarl. “…I can’t risk getting cancelled again.”
As he speaks, his body contorts, expanding, contracting, pulsating, and then… disappearing.
“That was… weird. Even for him.” John remarks. He grabs Kali’s hand. “We should try to get out of here now while we-“
“YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!” Ponder’s voice shrieks, reverberating off the walls like cascading thunder. A dark black silhouette flickers in and out of existence, jumping seemingly at random through the room. The TV screen emits a low hiss as the screen shakes, and Ponder appears once more.
“Sorry, technical difficulties. Quantum fluctuations, Heisenberg Uncertainty something-or-other, yada yada.” He dusts himself off, entire swaths of his very being glitching out of reality, only to reappear milliseconds later.
“Like I was saying, we have a game to finish. Congratulations to our final contestants for making it this far. So-“
“Hold on,” interrupts John. “What about the other contestants? Where’s Sarah? And Door Guy? And weren’t we just on a boat or something?”
“Don’t worry about it, don’t care, don’t care, and shut up. Now we-“
“Hey whatever happened to my siste- Ack!” John suddenly winces, and falls the the floor. A burning, electrifying pains courses through his ribcage. But, just as suddenly, it vanishes. As though nothing ever happened.
“Don’t. Interrupt. Again.” Ponder pants angrily, his ears drooping in exhaustion.
“I may not have the same ‘influence’ I used to, but I can still hurt you plenty, rest assured.” Ponder growled. “At the very least, I can make bits of YOU glitch out, too.” His fur vibrates and sparks. “Next time I’ll aim for something more… vital.”
“Right, so… the challenge, then. We’re gonna have a true ‘Battle’ of the Bands! A fight to the death shred-fest, courtesy of… whatever this schmuck’s name is.” He gestures to the TV man. “Winner take all! The stakes couldn’t be higher! It’s time to ROCK!” Ponder begins to head bang.
“What? How is this fair? Neither of us knows how to play instruments!” John argued.
“I have you covered.” The TV man said, tuning his guitar.
“But you’re also doing Ponder’s song? Doesn’t that mean YOU decide who wins?” John protests, scratching his head.
“I mean, if you WANT to increase your chances…” The man casually places a tip jar in front of him.
“Oh please, I’ll be happy to pay you what you’re worth. Can anybody split a penny?” Ponder cackles. Kali raises her hand.
“You talk a lotta shit for somebody with a hand up his ass,” the man remarks, not even looking at the agitated puppet
Ponder scoffs as the room begins to shake again. The lights flash violently as the wind begins to howl once more. Heavy bass tones eviscerate the walls, the entire room shattering as two opposing stages are revealed. John feels heat emanating from behind him. He turns to see the TV man and Kali standing in front of massive amplifiers, a look of both understanding and determination passes between them. On the other stage, a duplicate TV man appears, this time standing with Ponder.
“H-Hold on!” begged John. “You haven’t explained anything! How are we competing? How do we know who wins? What are we even competing FOR, at this point?”
“What are we competing for?” Ponder snarls incredulously. “Existence. The right to continue being. We’ve been in limbo for a long time. Stasis. Neither alive nor dead, nor anything, really. And I don’t plan on going back to that.” For the first time, Ponder seems… nervous.
“As for your other question, we’ll score it the same way you score any Battle of the Bands. The same way we’ve been scoring EVERY game. The audience decides our fate. As for the ‘How’, well… Guitar Boy here is handling the Band part.”
“And we will do the battle.” Kali responds calmly, but with an intense expression on her face. Distortions rage as they whip through the air. Chains rattle and dance as the lights erupt in a frenzy. The ground begins to rumble as the sky swells and strains, as though it were about to split in two. John feels an overbearing pressure surround him, like his very soul was being strangled.
“Now you’re getting it!” Ponder gnashes as he looms over the stage. Electricity surges and contorts around him.
“The audience has waited long enough. And your Final Boss is right here.” He leaps from the stage, baring his fangs. Thunder accompanying his every step.
“Shall we play?”