I was 5 years in a Conservatorie of ballet but got kicked out on the 6th year. I did not graduate as my body did not develop how they wanted. Thanks to them I learned many good things that will be with me the rest of my life ...unfortunately my mental health suffered a lot too 😪

This is a gift to all generations of dancers. Truth and vulnerability. Thank you❤

You go, girl. Super proud of you. Life will get better and better for you.

I have also felt really insecure about my skin growing up, even until I was 22, 23. I had the same insecurities about pimples, oily skin and so on. It is interesting to see that I have also studied ballet from 10 to 15 years old. Of course it wasn't at such a great school as Vaganova, but I took it rather seriously myself, I really wanted to become a professional dancer, that's when I started to love Russia, by the way :) And I still do. But then, I decided to quit it at 15 because I didn't think I was good enough to pursue this dream. After that I started to play the cello willing to become a professional. I still am a cellist, I'm 29 years old now, but the stress that it has caused me is similar to what happens in the ballet industry. I lot of hard work, daily practices, comparisions, and the seek for perfection. That is why I think your story is so rather relatable to mine. I have also developed a lot of self-hatred perspectives about myself, never feeling enough, and I think both industries, classical music and classical ballet, have this toxic side, that ends up to shape, somehow, our own self-esteem, our own sense of self value. I still suffer a lot in this grind to be a perfect musician, I suffer from a lot of anxieties, skin picking, and so on. I think the factors that might have triggered this "darker" side of me, this obssessive seek for perfectionism, were the culture of classical music and classical ballet. It is quite paradoxical because I am still a passionate ballet enthusiast, I mean, I love russian ballet, I love classical music, but when you are growing up and you are exposed to these environments, you need to be careful to not be dragged into the darkness of endless "self-improvements", comparisons with others, and all the weight that comes with these kind of professional paths.

Thank you SO MUCH for talking about skin picking! I have this disorder and it is really not discussed much

Growing as a young person is hard enough. Growing up as a young dancer (especially at this high level) is even harder. And it's too bad that perhaps you weren't given a little help with your skin at the time. And not only your skin but the other things that you've mentioned. The positive thing is that you are getting help now and working at recovering from those traumas. The very sad thing is that your situation in ballet was not that uncommon and exists still. Take care of yourself okay?!

thank you for telling the truth about ballet toxic world, it is heartbreaking to know at what cost all this beauty on stage is done... I felt into this illusion as well and these problems you are talking about are close to my heart as well ❤️‍🩹 hope you and your ballet friends are doing alright

I am so glad you spoke about these things. I am not and was not a dancer but my classmates was bullying me very badly in elementary school also. I had a lot of stress so I developped OCD, skin picking disorder , issues with self image also. I am so happy that you have the bravery to speak about mental health issues on youtube.

I can relate so much to this. I appreciate how vulnerable you were, and especially about the skin picking - dermatillomania. I truly believe far more people deal with it than we realize and more awareness can help others recognize if they have the disorder and learn healthier coping skills. I have it and also trichotillomania (complusive hair pulling). I seem to swap between the two. Thank you for your honesty. My ED/dr*g use resulted in my bowels being unable to digest and expel food properly. I am so jealous of people who can naturally 💩 regularly. I would be able to had I not ab*sed my body so badly at such a young age. I wish I could have just learned to love myself. Now I have a daughter close to the age my ED developed and I hope so badly I've equipped her with better coping skills. I learned alot from how poorly my mom was with helping me...her go to method was anger and making fun of me.😓 I know better so I'm trying to do better for my girl.

Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, I'm glad you're getting through it. Wishing you all the health and happiness in 2023.

thank u for talking about the hard parts about ballet

xxxx Dearest Mary you are so interesting to listen to i love your stories xx

MY HERO🙏😭💎🌟

Sounds honestly abusive how they treated you, a young girl should not leave school with their body broken and with ptsd and other mental health issues but be there to learn for future.

can you talk about what body image was like while you were a student? how was everyone so skinny?

It's funny I click the video because you're a such beautiful girl really funny 🗿

I’ve made skincare my passion! I ONLY wear makeup on stage and have all kinds of secrets to create a skincare routine for everyone. I helped all my ballerina friends, friends and family. I NEVER wear makeup 💄❌ and that’s key to clear skin. I also buy most of my stuff from Korean Beauty on Amazon: affordable and effective! I’d love to share more. I do suffer from severe PTSD from DV stemming from poor self esteem many of us dancers are left with but I know do the work with my doctor instead of the options available at ballet school/companies: mental health was never a concern and of course never EVER let them see you sweat or be vulnerable. Bend, don’t break.🩰💪🏻