Can you please make a video on how to move past dissociation? I experienced multiple types of abuse and neglect from both parents and other family members growing up and learned quickly how to dissociate to "help deal with it". The issue now is I can't get past it. I dissociate like I breathe; naturally, instantly, and without thought. I have done a lot of self work over the past few years and have come fairly far but I hit a plateau a little over a year ago and have made little to no progress. I can't work through my past trauma, learn to cope in healthy ways, or really anything because I can't feel intense emotions. The best state I have been in is calm and joyous but I can feel nothing else. I can't feel sad, angry or any other type of negative emotion (outside of anxiety). When these emotions are strong I just feel empty and when they reach a boiling point I feel them distantly but almost immediately lose them and can't hold on to them. I can't NOT dissociate. The only way I can recognize these emotions are simply by the physical reactions in my body such as my chest tightening with rage, shaking with anxiety and a heaviness in my chest with sadness. Recently, I have had a very traumatic event happen with my mother. I now no longer talk to her and while I should feel a lot to now not having either a mother or father in my life but also just dealing with the betrayal and everything else that SHOULD come with what happened; my only persistent feeling is rage. Pure, explosive rage at the thought of everything I sacrificed and missed while trying to desperately hold on. I missed my entire childhood, teenage years and early 20s (I am almost 25) trying to hold on to some semblance of a family. I took care of all my sisters (there are 4 of them) and my parents. As a child I was the one to make sure my sisters ate, bathed, did their school work, etc. I paid all the house bills and bought food from the time I turned 14. I left the house at 6:30am and wouldn't get back home till 2:00am all through high school while doing nothing but working, going to school, going grocery shopping, etc. while completely neglecting my own personal needs. When I got home I took care of house chores and made sure my sisters had meals for the next day. I broke myself trying to keep everything and everyone together and the worst part is I did it for absolutely no reason. I don't have a family outside of my sisters (who don't understand what it was like). I, of course, do not blame them for this but I have no one that I can lean on or who truly understands. I feel like I am my sisters' parent. Beyond this though, I am filled with rage at the thought of where I am because of this. I went from being a kid who was completely obsessed with learning, someone who could read something once and understand it (I was teaching myself college level ideas and subjects while in middle school) to someone who can't remember anything. I even have a harder time comprehending things because I can't hold onto a thought long enough to dissect and work through it. I can't do what I love anymore. All of this has caused me to be so far behind when I would have been ahead had I just had parents who could actually be parents. This, I believe, is the main source of my rage. While I understand this, I can not work on it because I can't do anything beyond actually understanding it. The instant it starts to bubble up it is smothered back down and I can't find a way to control this. It has gotten to the point the pain and rage in me wants to be presented in a different, completely unhealthy way. I can't feel the pain emotionally so I have to fight the urge to be self-destructive such as drinking every day. The alcohol isn't even so I will feel better, it's simply so I have some representation of my pain. The rage is what scares me the most though. I can't properly feel or express my rage in a way that simmers it or helps in any way and so it wants to express itself physically. Beyond just throwing things too. I think the pain is also mixed in this impulse though because I want to punch something so hard it breaks my hand. I want to smash a mirror in a way that the shards slice me open. I want to feel and release the destruction inside of me in any possible way that I can. There are so many intrusive thoughts that pop in my head every day along these lines and while I know they are not healthy or logical and that they won't help, I want nothing more than to do these things all at once. I, obviously, don't allow myself and have tried everything to move past them in the last month but I can't seem to make any progress and I am unsure of how to proceed any further. I am sorry this is so long but I truly am at a complete loss at what to do and I DESPERATELY want to get better.

Thanks for sharing IFS with the world 🥳

I'll never get over how pleasing it is to watch you talk. I Love your doughy eyes and your teeth I don't know lol sorry I just think your face is very pleasing

I love this 💗💗

So good.

What's the name of the podcast?