I think it rarely ends up actually being fulfilling . In general it's probably fine if done respectfully on both ends, but I despise that hookup culture is somehow the new ideal. I think there is beauty in waiting, in creating self love, in caring who you sleep with. I think when you truly love yourself, you don't want to share that with just anyone.

First time seeing the comment section not agreeing with a particular ted talk

I'm loving the comments section! CAN WE ALL BE FRIENDS PLEASE?

“Your physical decisions are inextricably tied to your emotional wellbeing”

Always left me feeling empty and wanting a more proper relationship

I felt used & unwanted like a piece of toilet tissue 🧻 because I knew “for a fact” this man didn’t give a damn about me or my well-being. They got to enjoy access to my body, and place me at the end of a long list of other casual encounters. And I hate myself for allowing someone to treat me as if I’m unworthy of more…all because of loneliness.

I never like hearing "find a rotation of partners" as a solution to not getting too overly attached to people. It always seems like that solution has the potential to hurt so many feelings of the people involved.

Cookies are great but not really the basis of a nourishing diet.

I love the way she adds 'STIs and unwanted pregnancies...' in together the end of the disadvantages just like they're no big deal or that they don't affect that side of the argument significantly

She should do a long term study on how many got stds, unwanted pregnancies, abortions or got into dangerous situations. Forward 15 years ahead, compare how many end up in divorce or never had a serious relationship and compare it with the ones that did not go casual.

The comments section is a better Ted talk than the actual talk.

As Sadhguru says, the more you force disconnect from other people, the more you disconnect with yourself and it manifests into your being.

My experience as a counselor for the last 10 years is completely opposed to casual sex. It is extremely destructive for married couples.

This addressed people's enjoyment of an isolated sexual experience, but it did not address long term happiness, at least not to my satisfaction. For example, does casual sex have an impact on the success of future long-term relationships? The scope of this talk reduces the value of casual sex to the incident itself and doesn't ask any questions about what other areas of our lives casual sex might be affecting. Part of what makes sex powerful is that it is an act of vulnerability. Treating it more casually and learning to do it without vulnerability, in order to get only the most transient rewards sex offers probably does not lend itself to the deeper aspects of sex's connective capacities. It is true that you can connect sexually with someone you have only just met, but in doing this there is more risk, more incentive to hide away our vulnerabilities. If you can manage to have casual sex without getting in the habit of adopting an invulnerability around it, more power to you. But in a lot of cases I've seen, people who have had a lot of casual sex have to relearn how to be vulnerable in order to both get the best of what sex has to offer and the best of what relationships have to offer.

Some of us are intrinsically afraid of commitment but are constantly looking for intimacy. As a result of this we throw ourselves in a endless loop of trying to find someone with whom we can fulfill this need of intimacy for a short period of time without taking the risk of being hurt by giving yourself up to the other person. This experiences of false “intimacy" actually provoque an even worse feeling of voidness in one-self that hurts in the long term even more than the betrayal you are avoiding by not committing to anyone. A long period of repeating this behaviour will cause your mind to actually find a coping strategy to this deep feeling of voidness by developing psychopathic and narcissistie traits in your personality in which you purposely start to avoid intimacy, become feelingless and resentful with the world, and start seeing others as mere objects that you can use and discard. Maybe it's time to take the risk and if we are lucky we will be able to build a relationship where real intimacy can be experienced.

I’m very happy to learn that 95% of the comments below are negative. It brings me hope that the world is indeed becoming a better place.

"sex releases those hormones of love for your partner" - if you try to suppress those feelings, one day you will be 60 y/o end up all alone, because nobody loves you or looks at you that way. As a man, I am strongly against casual sex.

I'm with the person that I love and I regret every single person I slept with before him. I used to sleep around before I met him. I used to think like she did. but I can tell you she is wrong. I was using it as a coping mechanism for my mental illness. I wanted to numb my emotional pain. I have friends that sleep around and they do it to numb the pain of not being able to move on from the person they truly wish to be with and have lost faith in men. I used to be that person. now, I found a man that made me realize what true love is. what I have now is so much better than shallow sleeping around. she makes the cons sound minimal but they leave deep scars. I hope nobody actual listens to this woman. just because somebody says they did a "study" does not mean they are a scientist.

After the act is done I feel cheap, I don’t think women know when men start getting older we desire real companionship too.

A sense of accomplishment was never it. It's a novelty, an adventure, dangerous, exciting. But after the job was done I felt more empty than before. The excitement was in the chase, not the kill. You feel good when someone responds, especially after you just got out of a relationship that you never wanted to end. The pain of the loss is still there so you seek another. It's only the horrible guilt and shame and emptiness that deters. I would never talk about my past hook ups because of that reason.

Man people REALLY don't like being told that being irresponsible is bad.

"If you need to be drunk hooking up then you should not be hooking up at all."

I married the love of my life, now married for 5 years, 11 years in a relationship. We were each other's first. And we are 27 and 30 years old now. We have a 2 year old. Still madly in love with each other, and happy. He comes from a religious family, so he was not allowed to have relationships because they are from a conservative culture. I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in boys for a long time. Couldn't find someone to have a serious relationship with. We had been friends for years, and he became my best friend. When his parents started looking for a marriage prospect for him, my heart sank. Confessed I can't live without him, and...rest is history. The fact that we were best friends for such a long time helped us cement our relationship and our marriage is built on that strong foundation. That's our experience. Then again, might not be for everyone.

I was curious about this video more because I wanted to read the comments and see what other people think. I haven't watched it but through reading a lot of the comments I have a little more hope for our society. I don't have anything against people who persue that lifestyle, its very common these days, it's just not for me. I thought I was weird for not being okay with it. I've always wanted to wait for a deeper connection before I do anything intimate with anyone

I tried to be into this but i just can't, the thing that makes a relationship last is loyalty and it it only gets better the deeper you are connected with your partner. Being a women that definitely used to be "ok" with casual sex, I now (looking back) realize it was out of such attempt to grasp something good, something extremely fleeting. Or I would have to break someones heart who was very into me after a one night stand.Humans are incredibly emotional beings, we are not just emotional/ sexual beings. I don't have a single friend that didn't feel at least a bit hurt after never hearing back from a "fuck buddy". Sex is extremely intimate and vulnerable, and due to the seriously consumer based emotionally rejected society we live in today, people fucking seek that intimacy. People should be given affection, hugs, kisses, snuggles, affirmation from friends and family. You should always feel that whom ever you're fucking is a worthy person who appreciates you. Casual sex is totally cool, but I don't think it is a notion to be necessarily encouraged, we should look at the underlying need for sex, why that affirmation is essential

Would you let a stranger off the street into your house? No? Would you let a stranger look in your handbag? No? Would you let a stranger drive your car? No? Then why the heck would you let a stranger into your pants!? Lol, that's just my opinion.

The second half of this teaches how to be good at hookups and suppress attachment instincts.

It's a sacred energy, it can create a life. People tend to forget that.

Yes, the cons of unwanted pregnancy and STD's (long-term, even permanent situations) totally DON'T outweigh the pros of "new friends and cool stories" (VERY short-term situations). This is ridiculous.

I'd have thought Stds and unwanted pregnancies would have been at the the top of the con list.

I hate it personally. It makes you feel dead inside. I'd much rather be with someone who I know cares for me.

Every tedx talk can't be taken seriously

KNowing youtube comments, and especially the state of the current society we live in, I did not have high hopes. I have to say I am very pleasantly surprised by the amount of critical thinking, intellect and class displayed by the comments to this video. One of the few times my faith in humanity gets restored a bit.

what a sex obsessed society we live in. I think rather than using sex and "hookups" to fill your void of adventure, mystery and excitement, it would be better to develop yourself as a person and become more interesting.

To spare yourself a lot of emotional pain, see if the two of you actually have a connection, and get to know each other for a good while, before you decide to bone.

Practice does make perfect, but you can find the one person you can practice the rest of your life with, if you’re lucky.

This is the first TED talk I have seen that I profoundly and strongly disliked. While I respect and affirm an individual's right to have casual sex, I resent the insinuation that casual sex is something that all people should be open to. Among educated, liberal and 'forward thinking' individuals, it feels as though monogamous sex is a sign of backwardness or stubborn traditionalism. The speaker's glib dismissal of emotional intimacy in sexuality causes a lot more suffering than she and those who think like her are willing to acknowledge.

Some people watch TED talks and assume they are all automatically giving sound advice and worth heeding. This video is proof that such a line of thinking is dangerous.

Finding one positive comment here is literary like finding a needle in a haystack

I can tell 100% sure I would never start a family with a woman like this

"if you need to be drunk to have sex, you shouldn't be having sex at all."

As you said it’s not for everybody and with anybody...but as long as you do it in full freedom of action and choice it’s your own responsibility.

I have a buddy who used "hooking up" to medicate his feelings of depression. Let me tell you, it did not help at all. He's been in a long term relationship for over a year now and I've never seen him more happy. I have another friend who says he prefers hooking up and absolutely doesn't want a long term relationship, yet he is always saying how much he wants what I have (been with the same girl for 10 years now) I've met people that absolutely fit right in with just hooking up casually, but they are a rare minority. It' just seems that a lot of people that do it have negative feelings about it, even when they say it's what they want.

The act of physically opening up yourself to a stranger and the repercussions short and long term were not discussed enough.

“Have a rotation of partners in order to prevent yourself from getting emotionally attached...” Wow.... sleep around rather than make sure you aren’t insecure and codependent... “works well..”

I never watched the video. It couldn't load on my phone despite the high speed Internet, yet I was able to learn so much from the comment section. Thanks to everyone who made a comment and for those that believed in real love 💕 , connection and a lasting relationship, you made my day.

It's odd how people rationalize self destructive behavior

Love and lust are different. Love= intimacy, security, vulnerability. Lust= adventure, novelty, excitement. Really difficult to feel both with the same person in the long run.

I agree with Abbie Roberts (below). As a male, I never found any allure whatever at the idea of touching or being touched by someone to whom I did not feel really connected or where some sort of commitment did not exist. The guys I know who try to notch their belts with ‘conquests’ are, of course, living an illusion or two. They’re not ‘connquering’ anyone by simply being glib-tongued narcissists or better manipulators than the guy who’s not in the pick-up bar. Being with another in an intimate sense means making myself vulnerable to her, open to her, and I would not do this with just anyone, anytime. It’s also not wanting the rampant microbial ‘bonuses’ of such encounters. Also, intimacy is like currency. For people who are not careful and monogamous, they are creating intimacy inflation and their encounters become banal, rather than what I think they can and should be, the joining of the sacred feminine with the sacred masculine in a safe and mutually life-affirming space as an expression of something far beyond rutting.

Casual sex is a moral choice. If you were raised believing you only get married once and live happily ever afterward, you would likely feel physically sick after casual sex instead of all the supposed benefits it offers, with feeling sick ranging from "it doesn't feel quite right" to nauseated. You feel sick, you don't do it again. You feel pleasure, you would want to repeat. It's simple. Respect.

I assumed there would be both pros and cons. The one thing that always concerned me was the emotional connection. It seems to me that people do their very best to avoid any feelings or connection because they don't plan on seeing the person anymore. I feel like over time this trains people to be emotionally blunted, selfish, and uncompassionate. The mind is a very plastic thing, if you work on something long enough you will eventually succeed. But hook ups don't neccesarily have to be this way. Just because you may never see this person again doesn't mean you can't connect with then emotionally. This is just something I've noticed with people that hook up a lot, I know it's all anecdotes. Just a thought.

If I have to put so much effort into forgetting someone (fighting natural brain chemistry) maybe I should choose someone I don’t have to forget...🤔

interesting after 26 years of marriage it is very easy to see some of the totally gaping holes in this young lady's theories. Nearly choked on my coffee are the idea of casual intimate sex. She came out with that oxymoron and had a completely straight face. The real kicker was the idea that if you can train yourself to not be affected by the hormone that bonds you to a sexual partner that you will be more healthy. That hormone is the very chemical that makes you put your ego back in perspective after makeup sex with your life partner. Damage that and what are you left with? People that fail at long term relationships because they don't get over themselves. This whole presentation was based on how young people FEEL after hookup sex. Not on how it will affect them long term. Even 10 years is not true long term. There are many more important issues sidestepped in here but those two alone start to collapse the house of card she has constructed.

"...Some people are luckier, their brains are wired in a way, that they don't get attached very easily..." WTF she just said...

I'm just pleasantly surprised that after scrolling down miles of comments, just about everyone knows this video is bull. Proud of y'all.

The comment section answers the question for those watching. The answer is there is a good set of powerful and life changing reasons why the stigma has existed since the beginning of the institution of marriage.

The "sex leads to love" is THE reason i dont do casual. I get attached easily and HARD.

I just want to say that although I am not bashing casual sex, this TEDx talk was terrible and its arguments in no way helped me agree with the idea of casual sex more

Here’s one. Your child grows up seeing mommies revolving bedroom door, and never learns to develop healthy relationships with the opposite gender, because they learn to see the others as disposable.

"I sleep around a lot and must use mental gymnastics to make women ruin their chances at stability like me" sleeping around is temporary happiness, thinking of the future is permanent. Regardless of what the clown on this stage says

It always amazes how academic studies with all their data and charts make so many assumptions and ignore some relevant factors that the conclusions are heavily biased. One example- let's say you have one person (male or female) who has a desire (not a need) for sexual variety, but he/she doesn't know how the other person is going to be left after the deed is done. Why don't they? Because, by definition, a hookup is a sexual encounter with someone you don't know! This speaker's assumption is that seeking out hookups is fine for the right pairing, but how can you possibly assess that, if one entire 1/2 of the pair is completely unknown to you?! That's one. Secondly, this women's endorsement of casual hookups makes an essential assumption that *your* experience is what matters. The other person is responsible for their own feelings. Now, unless you literally walk up to someone in a bar and ask how- before anything else- how good are you at dealing with the aftermath of a hookup (which I highly suspect is not the way that these things come together), you may be entirely unaware that the other gets very attached to their partner during sex (which is actually the way the brain is wired), and they might be in rough shape for a some time afterward. But, according to this so-called expert, this is not your worry. Your job, if that's what you want, is to worry about your ecstasy, your pleasure and the realization of your fantasies. That is entirely me-oriented, and people with that makeup are some of the best at not meeting the other's needs, because a. They've never asked and b. They're not even thinking about that. They're focused on *their* experience. And, the worst part of this talk is that she talks about casual sex as mainly about the anonymity of a new penis meeting a new vagina. As I would hope, everyone knows that men are not penises, and women are not vaginas. Yes, they have those parts, but they are also deeply connected to a vast and complex personality. So, while you are out there hunting for the next potential hookup, and you may have a history of just walking away with no strings attached- there could be something about the other person this time that causes you to bond emotionally with the other, much to your surprise. And, even more to your surprise, you get your heart broken by someone who is more skilled at not looking back then you are!

0:06 Hey Dr. Vrangalova, thanks for clarifying why our country is now one of the top countries for STDs just in the first seconds of this talk. Thanks for saying its ok to live in a "Hollywood fantasy" world where we don't have disease and human life is just a "thrill". I learned a lot from this TED Talk :)

Our society is in trouble....if this is what is being taught at a "good school".

Junk food is bad because it lacks nutrition and is therefore unfulfilling. Once eating junk food becomes a habbit, transitioning to healthy food becomes extremely difficult. Junk relationships are bad because they lack intimacy and are likewise unfullfilling. Once junk relations are a habbit, transitioning to healthy relationships becomes extremely difficult.

I disagree with this on so many levels... her ideologies perpetuate the lack of commitment, shallow sex culture, and emotional turmoil that we already see so prominent in society. There's a reason why a majority of the people hooking up, get themselves drunk before they do so. I applaud her courage and her well put-together argument but this is a dangerous perspective.

The more you go casual the more you become casual for others, Haram. Have patience and be special for someone.

The comment section makes more sense to me, matured audience, thanks for your valuable comments

It's sad that people are rationalizing things which are clearly wrong. Especially when the negative effects are intangible, merely psychological and spiritual.

This type of hooking up is a great way of practicing being a bad spouse. No commitment, no responsibility, no enduring the hard times to strengthen the relationship. This is practice and practice makes perfect, but a perfect what? Not a good husband or wife. If these are your choices then please do not marry anyone as you have no concept of discipline and endurance and no- working out in the gym is not the same. Marriage is a difficult enough reality with out going through it with short sighted flake with no boundaries and only in it for the good times.

Being loyal & committed to just one partner in actual relationship is always a conscious choice & selective decision. Sleeping around, polygamy affairs is biological nature but essentially, an animal instinct of reproduction, as like any dog & cat out their. It take a consciously evolved mind to see this difference, & decide not to give in to animal instincts if human wants to differ from most animals.

I think most of the " moral " and " existential " problems we're facing in our time are mainly due to one thing, intra-psychic conflicts, and this can be attributed to the complications introduced by mass media and information influx, from a young age we are bombarded with so much " information " and " possibilities" that instead of building a healthy and stable identity we only manage to make a crude one which is easily tossed and swayed and even dismantled as we interact with this turbulent world, the best way to cripple a man is to attack his identity and unfortunately a healthy self identity is something that modern days environment does not support

I had been hooking up with whoever I could bump into and I always felt emotionally drained apart from physical pleasure (which lasts very short)

It depends on your personality and what you can handle imo. Some people like it and some don't.

Just watched this after a TED talk on Sex Addiction that rips people personal lives and families apart. The two talks don't seem very compatible.

I must admit I am pleasantly surprised with the top-rated comments to this video, people. Way to not fall for something that sounds pleasant just because it's packaged as science.

Physically, you'll be fine. Mentally and emotionally, this will take a toll and eventually rot your soul.

"Promiscuous people have more friends" Yes that's completely obvious. It's because social competence is instrumental to both. People who can't make many friends typically have trouble finding a hookup.

Think totally resistant gonorrhea, human papilloma virus potentially causing cancer, syphilis, hepatitis B & C, etc. The cost of treatment for a course for Hep C alone is $85,000.00. Think carefully.

The misleading title led me to believe both sides would be presented in an unbiased manner, but this is a clear example of confirmation bias. I guess getting a PHD isn't as hard as it used to be, judging by the lazy research. You can easily find conflicting studies to the ones that were provided.

Someone typically ends up WAY MORE INVESTED THAN THE OTHER. Even when both say it's just casual.

so she just came here to say have casual sex if you want to and don't if you don' want to?! wow I learnt something new

by reading the comments on this video, thank God what I felt is felt by most people coming here. Maybe high I Q people don't prefer casual sex.

5 minutes enjoyment can lead to everlasting sorrow

The fallacy that marriages are ALWAYS happy. It's just not for everyone.

I choose not to have casual sex, because of STI risks.

"Make your casual sex partner care about your pleasure". Ummm. How does this mess with the fact that, by her own admission, the "adventurous" casual sex partner would have to care about you as a PERSON, in order to care about your needs? Thanks for pointing out that if people have to self medicate with drugs and alcohol, they shouldn't be hooking up at all. And those people who don't naturally have a chemical or brain bond with their sexual partner...what. mental health diagnosis would they often receive?...

Promiscuity lowers peoples ability to pair bond.

She forgot to mention that women who sleep around end up with high divorce rates

I can't say for other people but I know that for myself if I did do casual sex I'd be so tired of it pretty fast and will just feel even emptier

casual sex is not healthy.....you pick up too much baggage man

Empowerment because having a guy use you as a fleshlight is so totally empowering.

Flicked through the comments and my faith in humanity was restored! 😇 Seems like largely those that can healthily and happily 'hook up' no longer really want to, and those that do look for that are feeding a selfish hole? Thoughts??? 1 lv

How did you get your PhD with such arguments?

There's only one sex story worth telling: I totally lost myself in it. You won't get that from casual sex. Too much judgment going on. It's almost as if this woman has never had real sex.

She is literally teaching you how to numb yourself and become a hoe. It reminds me of how army teaches man to become soldiers. Its against your nature but you pretend for a while like its not, and later on it hits you like a hammer.

I think she needs more help, than helping others.

ending up pregnant from a casual encounter aint gonna enrich your life!

This is totally misleading... pros point are totally naive.

A girl who had many many pertners, disociates soul mind and spirit. Fragment her counciousness and becomes disabled to pair bond with a man who wasn't in this pleasure rollercoaster of hook up culture. Happened to me.

Great advice! So you can go out and have all this crazy exciting fun so that when you finally meet someone that you truly love, you will not be satisfied because they weren’t as fun as the guy you screwed in the alley behind the bar.