An interesting note, the closer you are to people the harder it actually is to have "big talk". The best talks I've had with people are the ones in which we both know that we probably are never going to see each other again. The walls actually come down.

I think small talk is still useful in breaking down anxiety and barriers. The problem is we never move into big talk next.

I feel like it all depends on the open mindedness of people. Most people don't want to feel vulnerable or "put their cards on the table". I've always been a loner and mind my own business but I've also had some of the best conversation and have learned a lot about myself from complete strangers. No expectations, just honesty and sincerity. We live in an age of technology where we are connected worldwide but still disconnected from each other. We can learn so much from each other , but let our differences separate us. We are only alone if we want to be. You'll find we aren't so different after all..........So, Love yourself. Love each other. And Love life.

I appreciate her efforts in exploring interpersonal connections, but she failed to explain the techniques of making big talks, which is why I opened the link in the first place.

I don't want to seem conceited, but there's something I figured out one time, sort of as a rule to live by. I decided that the way to live my life to the fullest is by trying to experience as much as I possibly can. Every time I limit myself from doing something I'm denying myself an experience. Every time I never try to do something, or I give up, I'm chipping off a piece of myself that I could be. I don't know if this helped anyone that is feeling like they're just kind of drifting. It's more of a goal for living.

*feels uplifted and reinvigorated to make meaningful changes in your personal life* Goes to youtube comment section instead...

It’s amazing how back in the day talking was so natural as no one felt alone and normal and now it’s a big idea cause everyone feels alone in this day and age where work is more important then happiness and friendship and family! Where people only consider things to be rational only if it’s connected to work!

Hilarious... The comments kept me from finishing the video. A hurray for honesty.

Scrub to 5:41 to 'skip' her small talk

The camera, her youth, and her attractiveness I believe, project a certain safety to strangers who I am sure felt as if they were part of a personal documentary...big deal. I think her manner of eliciting "big-talk" is ironically superficial - a facade: "Look at us...we're doing big talk..isn't this great?" You ask me questions, I give you answers..so what? Talk show hosts do that all the time. It would have been far more useful had she elucidated techniques to elicit "big-talk", rather than turn it into a global (social-media) project. Generally, small talk is the way things are at work. I think acquaintances (not close friends), would feel weird if I asked them deep questions all the time. Also, some people feel vulnerable about exposing their deeper self....ESPECIALLY if they are acquaintances (not close friends, and not strangers). Further, once you get past the deep stuff, the default seems to be the small stuff - you can only ask an acquaintance what they want to do before they die once. What she doesn't seem to understand is that "big-talk" is a process, not a goal. Personally I have observed the limitations of "small talk" with it's nonsensical, superficial jargon: "how you doing" "what's going on" "have a nice day" all fluffy, disingenuous bullshit like that. In this, I am in agreement. However, I think that small talk has its place as an introduction...a FIRST LINE of questions. The real skill comes in GENTLY moving the conversation to the second line of questions, and eventually getting to a deeper connection. I can, usually within 10 minutes, get many people, not all, to open up about deeper issues, but I don't start off that way. I can do this because I have practiced. There are certain skills involved: being authentic, being fully present, really listening, body gesture, manners of speaking, developing trust, ramping up the depth of conversation gradually, etc. Just walking up to someone and asking "what do you want to do before you die?" to me sounds somewhat laden with an agenda and ironically is far afield from an authentic deep connection - I am not there to interview them. She did not elucidate any methods by which to get to "big-talk" except as a project....."let's do big talk now." Websites and cameras in the context of a project are one thing, casual meetings around the water cooler are quite another.

You can hear her heart beating through the mic; she is very nervous. Props to her for doing this!

"You want some chicken?" Works every time.

To save you watching the video: To skip small talk, ask deep questions

You can hear her heartbeat

Her heart is pounding!

Love this..so true. Hearing their stories made me emotional. We all desire to connect with others, we were meant for community. It shows you care rather than surface talk that doesn’t produce connection and meaningful relationships. Well done.

Makes sense. I don't like small talk and usually it feels awkward.

It's easy to be a cute bubbly girl and asking those questions. If your ugly and ask what would you do if you died tomorrow? They would call the police and throw you in jail.

I missed the part where she actually goes over how to "connect with anyone". I thought that was the whole point of this talk.

It's in the eyes, how you look at someone. Keep your gaze long, fixed and strong. You will touch someone deep, deep inside with this approach. People will respond positively and your connection will be made. I do this at a bus stop, at a tesco's checkout, in traffic when i'm stopped at lights, at work looking across the office. ty 4 gr8 vid.

To those saying she is bragging, it is not bragging. She has to talk about her experiences. If she did not have these experiences she would have no credibility and the audience would not trust her. It is called ethos and is one of the three vital components of public speaking. She did a great job.

"What do you want to do before you die?" immediately makes everyone take a step back and kind of snaps them back to reality for a second. it's a question that unconsciously resonates with everyone. the kind of question that makes you remember that you do have a purpose, one that's deeper than just getting a good job.

I actually have a guy in my school who would talk to me about space and scientific theories , and it was so amazing !

I love this age of progress. I love that we as a society are growing aware of values like connection empathy and the real stuff. Rather than superficial pleasures of the flesh.

Funny thing is I think I've had exactly the opposite experience as her. All of my young life I was most comfortable with the big talk, but uncomfortable with small talk. [Exhibit A: I'm putting all of this out there on a KZfaq comment.] I found it very alienating and lonely because most people are not comfortable with that level of intimacy. That goes for giving and receiving. To me a friend is someone you don't need to put on a persona for. Someone who knows all of your faults and skeletons but accepts you anyway. All the others are acquaintances. In my mind, someone not being comfortable talking about things that really matter--their hopes, their fears--means they don't trust me to know the 'them' that resides deep inside. Thus, they didn't consider me their friend. On the receiving end, I was also the person who was always putting my deepest thoughts and feelings out there. I could literally watch people shrink away from me in discomfort. When I was little, I remember watching people who would switch personalities depending on surroundings and thinking of them as lairs, as two-faced, as just disingenuous people. That probably seems funny when all I'm talking about is putting on a smile and acting cheery when moments ago they were a sea of worry or something. Nevertheless, early on I vowed to myself that I would always have the integrity to outwardly reflect my inner self with no masks. That lead to a lonely few decades. People didn't want to be around someone who expects them to practically bear their soul, so people who wouldn't been great casual friends distanced themselves. I felt like I was walking through life naked among a sea of people hiding behind their masks. Nobody seemed willing to share their inner self with me and nobody seemed comfortable being around me. I felt very alone. I became resentful. How it played out is that I only ended up meeting a few people over the years that were comfortable with that level of intimacy, and as such they were/are deeply bonded relationships... and next to zero friendships/acquaintances beyond that. It is only recently that I have come to accept small talk as a social lubricant that binds us as on all kinds of levels. Just because someone doesn't want to share with me their worries about growing distant from their spouse, for instance, doesn't mean they don't care deeply about me and value the relationship we have. I am still very awkward, uncomfortable, and unpracticed when trying to talk about the weather or local sports team or whatever, but I'm trying. I have to consciously resist what comes naturally to me, which is "James! Been a while. How're things going with Carol? Better?" which in my mind expresses empathy, concern, that the things that really matter to him matter to me, and offers an ear/shoulder. How that could be a conversation killer was beyond me. I've learned that one kind of friend is the sort that is an escape from your concerns. It's ok to just have a beer together and laugh about meaningless stuff. There's value in that. I'm still struggling to find a balance that feels true to myself, in terms of feeling like I am putting my raw self out there but not overwhelming folks, and in being completely open and inviting for people to share their inner self with, while respecting people's boundaries and comfort levels without taking it personally.

I met a deaf 44 year old Russian lady named katya on a bus. Over the four hour bus ride she taught me sign language. But before that we started out typing to each other back and forth and very early on our conversations were about car accidents and family deaths. We were best friends when we left. Skipping small talk really does connect people

You are a beautiful person inside and out!! We need more people like you in the world, thanks for doing your part in the world to make it a better place!! Much love 🙏

I am such a fan of your work! Thank you for putting so much light into the world!

The F.O.R.D (family, occupation, recreation, dreams) method is an easier way to connect than trying to think of open ended questions that may be weird to ask a total stranger

I hope everyone can give her a break. she's young and feels passionate about this and honestly it's something so pure that it's refreshing. stop getting all worked up about her delivery. be happy there is someone who wants to spread positivity and human connection. the world needs that

People can be so unnecessarily mean. Kalina thank you for this. Ignore the vindictiveness in some of these comments as they are more a reflection of the insecurities infesting those people that made them. You gave a beautiful talk and opened your heart about something extremely important. And the message has been received loud and clear. Keep on keeping on to build this much needed project.🙏

Small talks are a wonderful tool to use when still testing the waters ...they relieve the anxiety and awkwardness in the beginning of any human connection. "Big talks" feel good when they happen with those few humans that get you completely, they connect with you, and you trust. You built up to this very fulfilling form of connection. Imagine just spelling your mind and heart out to anyone that comes you're way - we'd all be exhausted all the time.

its simple really, been doing it all my life, you begin with small talk, feeling out their interest, goals, motivations. depending on mutual interest in each other and length of time you have been talking, then go a little deeper into their life, childhood, dreams, aspirations. and once this door is open, you are basically bffs and deeply connected. but there has to be mutual interest in each other and for a long enough time. easier if romance is in play but for acquaintances and colleagues more time is needed.

I may catch some flak for this, but for the sake of talking big, I choose to be real: there is very little revelation about communication here in this talk. This branding experiment Ms. Silverman has conducted has only reaffirmed things that are very much known problems that are swept under the rug of collective denial: 1. A lot of people are lonely and have difficulty making real connections (see Eleanore Rigby) 2. A lot of people perceive the need for deeper meaning in their life and would like a quick, easy way to find that fix. Small talk is an important and complex system of societal norms that allows us to affirm or deny each other, feel comfortable around strangers, and identify stranger-danger if the norms are not practiced or repeated. Skipping small talk and going straight for the Big Talk is a sign of disrespect, confusion, or danger. If you walk up to someone and with no context skip straight to big talk, you have almost certainly made your target uncomfortable. Unless you're an attractive young woman; for some reason this demographic is universally better convincing people to join or buy something. One's realest feelings are important and should absolutely be guarded with vigilance. Why? Because those feelings allow you to be manipulated. Do you know what the highest level sales people look for in potential sales prospects? Pain points. That is literally how the sales industry refers to them. tl;dr Don't skip small talk. #Gitgud at it instead, and learn how to spot people who actullay care about you.

Thank you for this talk, thank you infinitely, you will have changed my life for the better! Thank you Kalina for sharing your story and starting the Big Talk movement!

everyone has a story to tell. all we have to do is listen. I love listening to people's stories about their childhood, their struggles, their success, their love, their loss, their dreams, their fears... when someone listens to us, with genuine interest, we feel less invisible and more human.

Transformative, Kalina. I use "small talk", briefly, as a way to disarm. Evolution has hardwired us to respond to strangers within seconds as either an ally, enemy, potential partner, or indifferently. Our default response is "indifference". An excess of small talk guarantees we will never be regarded in any other way than indifferently. However, it can be used adroitly and expeditiously to escalate effortlessly into "Big Talk". "Small Talk" questions like "Excuse me, what have you heard about that book you're buying?" can lead in two or three minutes to "What's the most amazing thing you've experienced as a teacher?" or even in the case of someone who, let's say, is homeless, small talk about the weather can lead to "I bet you know more about people than a Harvard psychologist. What's the most-important thing you've learned. That question lead to a homeless man telling me "All that glitters is not gold." When I asked him what he meant he said he saw so many people that seemed to have it all but when he heard snippets of their conversations, they were leading lives of quiet desperation. I had bought a C.D. of a classical piece--a Schubert piano trio--and he noticed it and said, "Ah...the Trio in E Flat Major. That second movement...the Adante Con moto...that lamenting cello and those two and three-part textures." I was speechless. "I went to Juilliard a thousand years ago. You wouldn't think so would you?" What followed was a profound dialogue on the question as to whether chance or destiny ruled our lives--all because I asked him the directions to a chapel I couldn't find. I guess my point is, there's an important role for small talk but it is worth little if it doesn't allow one to plumb the depths of another's deeper, inner life.

We had "small talk" , now there is "big talk" , who will join me in my new revolutionary concept of "medium talk"?

"why do we have small talk?" To understand if the person you are talking to is not a crazy person

I loved this talk. I struggle with social anxiety because I dont get small talk. It seems unnatural to me. I want to dive deeper. But I always feel that people aren't open to that concept.

I tried to do "Big talk" with the guy I like and he ended up deleting me.

The main point of the video is awesome! I love the idea of Big Talk. But, as with a lot of other TED Talks, it ends up getting buried by the story behind it about how the girl made it big with her concept of Big Talk. I wish she'd gone deeper or had given more examples in the tips to implementing Big Talk rather than talk so much about herself!

Im not getting why people need to beat down this video like this, its helped me loads and i can finaly make friends, You dont need to do this with ANY stranger but if the situation is presented just make big talk instead of crawling in a corner. Just like with big talk. If you dont have enything "nice" to say, keep it to yourself....

Probably one of the best Ted Talks I've had the privilege of hearing.. mostly because it resonates with me personally.. everyone should take a few moments and try to watch this..

Very moving. I hope the woman on the beach tells the person that she loves him/her.

Glad I watched all the way through

This is exactly what i needed to hear. I’ve been studying abroad in Canada (originally form South Africa) and I’ve been very caught up the feeling of isolation when the opportunity for connection is there. I’m going to give the diary questions a try. Thanks

I liked the way she expressed herself. It's such an introspective story

Wow. I can't believe that there's someone out there like me. What she has felt is exactly what I am feeling right now.

Having a Big Talk with yourself is the most important thing you can do in life. Unfortunately if you are disconnected from Yourself connecting to other people will bring the same emptiness and loneliness...Oh I've been there... being empty and trying to connect to other people will give you short euphoria, sugar rush but it will shortly end leaving you just where you were... empty and confused. But when you have wholeness within yourself then it won't actually matter if you're alone or with people. If you're alone you will always feel that magical feeling of being complete and you will always have a chance to have a Big Talk with Yourself, laugh with Yourself or just simply be with Yourself. People having such a hard time just Be with Themselves. But by gaining that wholeness when in a social situation your connection with people will be coming not from a space of loneliness but from a happy space of being complete and content and it is very healing for people to connect this way. It feels like you're not sucking anyone's energy but instead you give away.... or to say better you're not giving or receiving... you're just being with each other in the most natural way. Anyway... my English is quite limited to describe the whole magic of self actualization that happened to me recently ... but this girl were very insightful finding herself lonely after trying to connect to so many people. I'm happy she mentioned that. That was the most important part of the whole talk. Thank you Kalina :) Perfect timing :)

I had a niece who wouldn't answer my "Good morning" in the morning because she thought it was "small talk" or "shallow" to say "Good morning." I think your goal is to help people open up and communicate freely. Being a good listener does that. When I listen to someone talking, I naturally form questions in my head and find appropriate times to ask. Sometimes the person is talking so much my question needs to be forgotten. It's very hard to determine when someone is being "shallow," aka small talking. The technique is to probe a little bit with a good question. How wonderful if you could teach good listening skills.

There're too many comments about being beautiful acting as an advantage to talking to people! It can be but at times it may not be. Just because she's beautiful doesn't mean she wasn't lonely and that it wasn't as hard for her to connect to people. She was lonely at college despite her being beautiful, going to parties etc. and this is her showing how she helped herself out of this situation with her own method, also finding the same people like her at the time and trying to help others not go through the same thing! I'm a 20 year old Russian girl living in London, who's never been lonely before until last year.. As I may seem attractive to people, some have a thought before even talking to me that I love myself too much or whatever their thought might be! I found that quite a lot of people won't try and even talk to me because of that. They think I'm big-headed when I'm the total opposite! And here I am a year from now still aching in loneliness even though just like Kalina, I go out and still try my best to talk to people. I'm a bubbly, friendly and smiling person on the outside. No one would have ever thought that I'm actually lonely, I'd always think 'Gosh, I'm a 20 year old girl only starting life but I'm as lonely as a pensioner'. So here I am.. Trying my best, changing my mindset, switching jobs, signing up to a sports centre hoping to find that someone or at least not feel lonely... We seem to criticise people so quickly, no wonder it is so hard to connect with everyone!

You remind me of this girl I once knew. She is you. I've connected. Thank you very much. I've lost my job, my Roomate, my girlfriend who lives with me and myself. And 8 hours ago a friend brought me back to the mirror. And since then I'm here watching you. Thank you very much. I will intensely follow your movement. On myself and others. Arigato/xie xie. Gracias, obrigado.

I am so thankful this exists! I work at a grocery store and am annoyed when asking "how are you?" almost everyone replies "well" or "good". In my head I'm thinking no you aren't tell me what obstacles you're facing in life and don't tell me coupons are your biggest problems. Big Talk :)

Wow, thank you so much! What you said about big talk with myself rings out to me. As a person who may be lonely or not feel connected or fulfilled in that way, the least I can do is to know and be happy with myself. I don't often feel like I love me, but if I know me that well, then maybe I will be first strongly rooted and connected to myself and be able to be okay and happy with me, and maybe be able to give the most of myself when that other person comes along.

Wow! It was worth watching this full talk. I wasn't sure at the beginning. This is a really cool movement that I'll be following and thinking about in my own life. It's important to think of ways to make conversations more meaningful with anyone and everyone, especially those in your own community and people you see often or regularly. It can be hard to jump into very personal questions of "big talk," but I think with some creativity we can find our own ways to ask questions that will prompt shared experiences to arise and stories to be shared, offering connection, empathy-building, and healing too.

The message behind this is beautiful! For someone with a message that's still finding a way to express themselves, something like big talk is a great tool for finding your voice, and building confidence to go out and spread a message :) Thank you!

I try to make time in my day to watch 1 ted talk. This one had a great message

One of the most beautiful talks I’ve seen on Ted. Awesome work!

I now want a tshirt that says “I don’t like small talk” and see what conversations get started

my only problem with this is you would never go up to a stranger and ask them "what do you want to do before you die?" If someone did that to me, I would think they were freaking crazy and I'd walk away. small talk is there for a reason.

I've been saying this for years!! I've always hated small talk, it bores the hell out of me and I just don't have the patience for it- I just wanna get straight to the good stuff lol

Sometimes I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'll give TED talks another chance.' ...Then I get a video like this.

Just visit any place in Latin America and people will tell you their whole story in the same night. Is lovely and you need a few hours to feel like home in Latin America

Once there was this TED-Thing...Amazing talks about the wonders of science and the persons who creates this marvels...Now we got this...and how to become a millionaire in three years...:(

You Can Hear Her Heart Beating At The Start OMG Listen With EarPhones!!

You are a blessing Karina! I really needed 2 hear this. Thank you!

One of the best things I’ve seen on YT. I’d say lack Of connection with people call sis most of the problems in the world today. I truly feel sad for anyone that gives this video thumbs down.

Kalina, your intent and courage is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I hope you're able to draw boundaries around the suffering other people project onto you. Wishing you peace and calm clarity. Lots of love, sister.

"Go to the police and make a confession" Wow, that's kind of scary.

You showed me the importance of knowing what myself thinks about deep questions. After I know deeply my mind and heart and everything, I can share big talks with who I trust, thank you

I listen to this talk a couple years ago and I never forgot it so glad I found it she is really amazing!

i just watched that entire video. Theonly valuable thing in the entire video was from the 10 minute mark to the 12 minute mark.the rest is just her talking about herself.

I'm going through a personal struggle right now, it's called TEDx

Brilliant! Please don't let the negative jerkoffs deter you. The idea of asking a big question is a great way to connect with people we would like to know better. I am not good at small talk. This will help me a great deal. I am sure people who criticize you are just pissed that they lack the confidence to " go big" This is evident in the small mined put-downs. This is one of the BEST talks I have seen in a long time. As a public speaker, I can say watch out for the "um's" but you were brilliant! Bravo! Love you for being so brave.

Thank you for sharing your vision and mission! Stay true to what you believe will make the world a better place and conversations more meaningful. Keep connecting well with yourself and bring that gift to others.

I found this very powerful. Something that I quite often do is ask people how they are doing. Then question their automatic response. Sometimes it opens the door to what is really happening in their lives and how they are feeling, sometimes not.

Love the freshness of this talk and I wish her the best !

I love the ideal of us all connecting on the deepest levels. It's a doable thing probably more than we know. Sure there are limits, some people (more extraverted types) will see this approach as desperate or clumsy or some kind of problem-solving exercise. But like I said I love the motive and the ideal. Great talk.

This is such a positive Tedx, with a young woman getting out of her comfort zone and daring to do something different. Being young and attractive does not diminish the quality and the courage of that person. Obviously, she was not alone either, someone was filming. But this is absolutely not the point here. Her point is to be able to connect, on a deeper level. It is certainly not about walking up to just strangers and starting talking with them (but it could if one felt like it), it's about talking with people around us, people we meet regularly, in our neighborhood, at work, even in our own family. When was the last time I asked my parents or my sisters what is the one thing they want to have accomplished in their life? Maybe it happened one time with one of my sister, my nieces? How to come up with big questions? Well, what is important for you? What makes you feel alive? That's the technique: Thinking. And then sharing. She even shared at the end of the Tedx that those big questions helped her with her feeling of loneliness, answering them helped her get out of her funk. I admire young people doing things differently and then putting themselves out there, opening up, in their vulnerability. Congrats Kalina!

I always hated small talks. It happened sometimes that people said I was heavy for that, always with these "big talks", and so I stopped. Last year I went abroad for a month and it was one of the best time of my life. Your talk made me realize that it was because I was really more open there and I should try again to be like that here. This also answer your question :)

Trying to solve the world's problems can kill you. You have to take care of yourself first and not get lost in the process. Nice talk.

Admirable that this young woman has taken an idea that grew out of an awareness of her need and did the work to refine and promote it in a way that is encouraging and meaningful to others. She's probably reached many more people than most people do in their lives. So what if she is not the most polished TEDTalk speaker. If her idea doesn't strike you, don't pursue it, but why do so many commenters feel the need to be so negative about this? Her "Before I Die" video has 99% thumbs up and mostly positive comments. I'm discouraged by all the negativity in the world these days but encouraged by people like Kalina. You go, girl!

This was so inspiring! Thank you for doing what you're doing.🌻

I came to this video because of the interesting title. I saw the speaker and thought oh no, this will be another shallow girl thinking she knows it all. Even so something compelled me to watch it and give her a chance. I'm glad I did. This was profound and also poignant and yes, it made me cry.

Not everyone is troubled by being alone. Not everyone wants to connect with many people. If someone I'd just met asked me these questions it would certainly be our first and last conversation.

i love everything about this. Thank you.

I cannot believe how much negativity is shown by some of the comments on here. Shocking and sad. This is one technique and insight that can help in your life... or you can choose others. Personally, my kids and wife are going to get an extra big hug and smile when I get home today. Thanks, Kalina.

Maybe next time she can try her experiment by swapping out a pretty young woman for a middle aged balding man and a hidden camera. Truly, I'd like to see if she got the same willingness out of people to talk, and whether he'd also get invitations to come to a villa and dance the night away.

I can hear her heartbeat, P7 wireless is crazy

Thank You! Literally Crying!

Wow, this very much resonates with me - this is bold! Man, this is one of the most touching videos I have ever watched. I have joined quite some seminars in the last years where in sharings or councils people told about their feelings, mentioned how they are REALLY doing - and this made a huge difference and we were feeling very close to each other. Of course in everyday situations this is a little more challenging - but if you find a gentle approach, nearly everybody will be glad to open up and share what's really inside her/him. My aim is to bring people together without hiding behind a facade - and Kalina is a great inspiration for me!

Excellent presentation !

Skipping the small talk, I think I like you Kalina... lol. Great perspective! Definitely worthy of a TED clip.

Making big talk with yourself, this woman is a genius. I'm so glad I watched this video, so inspiring.

Why do people always assume that you have to make a change and everything have to be meaningful? Life solves most of the problems as you accept it and enjoy what you have right now? Big questions comes naturally when the relationship between people matured. I love the lightness of being.

If you don't want to watch the whole thing just type in Big Talk Questions in google and you'll get a bunch of questions you can ask people to skip small talk.

Now we know you had a great trip. Well, thank you.

Thank for your brilliant, insightful and thought provoking video!

This talk gave me an epiphany. It's a bit crazy, but exactly what I needed to see at this precise point in my life. Thank you so much for the lesson. Plus, I could relate a lot with the journal, with the feeling of being lost during university (still attending) and all this questioning about the world and myself. It was beautiful to find this video. It's life changing.