most people who divorce eventually realize that they didn't leave their troubles, they took their troubles with them.

“Divorce with kids will demolish your life” hear that! I don’t know many divorced parents who have great romantic relationships after the divorce nor do their children benefit.

As a kid of parents who hated their lives together but didn't divorce "for the kids" it's just as toxic and causes a lot of problems. My mother raised me to hate my father and thus myself too. It eventually destroyed everything a family is.

Divorced and remarried here, my wife was in the same situation that I was, divorced and had kids. The damage that Jordan is talking about is very true. The sad part about it, if you have kids with your new wife, your kids will also suffer a degree of damage as well. They have siblings (the half siblings that are either of yours children) who they consider to be their regular siblings, will go away to their other parents for visits, they’ll go on trips and have fun at their grandparents houses, that your kids don’t get to partake in. Granted, they still get to go on trips that you take them on, and have fun at your parents, but there’s this other world that their siblings get to be apart of, that they don’t get to be a part of, and I know that hurts them. It’s just how it is. So the generation that will be protected from your choice to divorce, will be your grand children, which is a sobering thought, that your choice to divorce will have such long and deep efffects on people that aren’t just you. Divorce is ugly all the way around.

I don't think he's saying don't divorce, but laying out the fact that all divorces are messy even the ones that need to happen. Instead of relying on divorce to be the cure-all, prevention is best. Choose wisely who you marry and lower the need to divorce as much as possible.

"The rate of abuse in step families is way higher than in biological families.....ANYWAYS" lmfao

As a kid from divorce, I will preface this with my own anger from the general selfish stupidity I see from people who come up with every argument under the sun to avoid looking at their own decisions and choices in choosing a marriage partner than having these half baked/immature reasonings for divorced like "not being fufilled" People are not meant to fulfill you, that is the ultimate sign of an underdeveloped psyche. What you see in other is a reflection of what you see and are avoiding within yourself. That's why I have a saying about people always picking and being with the exact person they are aligned with because partner choice is a reflection of your own judgment. Why would you marry someone who doesn't want kids and you want them? Sure get the divorce, it will be more like a breakup, but at least admit you made a mistake in judgment and take some responsibility for learning more about yourself for next time. This woman's question of divorce being an option in a low-quality relationship made me think "and what part did you play in your own low-quality relationship? Did you try to make it better by actually looking at yourself to figure out why you project your own unhappiness on to your partner?" It's not about divorce actually, its people having poor relationships with themselves and then projecting that outwards as an excuse. Divorce is just symptomatic of that kind of interpersonal disconnect. There are exceptions I could make for the case, but it wouldn't involve marriage so much as what you should think about before you get married (which I would suspect we used to teach young people) so you can have a very clear mindset for what a life long marital relationship is going to entail interpersonally, so you can grow and learn about yourself from your unions instead of just having failed sequential relationships.

Yeah, people tend to think much about exit strategies of a terrible relationship/marriage, but rarely think about how not to enter into one. Our system and society makes divorce easier and more acceptable, so that people neglect the heavy price. We need to educate our children (and many adults) how to establish healthy relationships, but that alone is already hard because only very few are capable of doing so.

Logically speaking, he's right. If you've been married to someone for 5+ years and have a child, what's the point of getting divorced? You both clearly loved each other at some point and now you have a life that is completely intertwined, the price of getting divorced (metaphorical and literal) isn't worth it. It's smarter and more reasonable to simply work through your problems together.

Pro tip: Don't marry someone who's room isn't clean!

Peterson hits the nail on the head here. I am an example of someone who got married at 21 (10 years ago) to a woman who already had a child. I became a stepfather instantly. Not realizing what I was getting myself into, I learned the hard way of the reality of life. If you get into a relationship with a woman who already has a child, you are instantly in second place in her mind. She will prioritize the livelihood of that child before you (That's not a bad thing), BUT, the takeaway from that is that there is a decline in market value that I had no clue. We eventually had a child of our own. As a result of all of this, both myself and my wife lived in growing resentment towards each other over the years. The marriage ended after 8 years in a horrible series of events, but now we have a very diplomatic relationship in dealing with the 2 kids now. After going through all that, I learned that it is never a good idea to get into relationships with single mothers. They are not bad people (power to the ones who take care of their kids), but if you want a partner fully invested in you, it's best if they don't already have another person they put as their top priority. You have to understand this is true about men and women who get married with no children in the first place. Once you start having children, the family dynamic will indefinitely change. You are no longer priority, the kids will be. This not an attack on anyone or anything, it's just wisdom I have learned.

Too many Broken people settle for other broken people. We need to lower the misery levels to improve the stats on successful marriages.

I will try my hardest to stay married. The lives of my children depend on it.

After being through divorce with children I can tell you that everything Jordan has said in this video has been a reality in my life. Just work it out people!

People need to make better choices when it comes to choosing a life partner

I had 5 step dads before I hit 10 years old everyone of them beat me or worse. My 6th step day was a good man but mom kicked me out at 14. I lived on the streets till 17 and met my wife and got married at 18. She had twins before I met her. We have been married for 35 years and we still ore in love. My family is my life but I still don’t know how I made it except that my wire is the best thing that ever happened to me. Then god gave us grandkids and life is even better.

I've divorced and it has certainly been one necessary step for me to recover from a mental crisis (burnout, depression). The relationship with my wife had never been solid, and today I see this and understand the reasons why. At the point of marriage, I had not seen the shadows in me, and until today my ex-wife isn’t able to see her own shadows. We have indeed negotiated into a peaceful arrangement, and so I'd always do it again. Today I have a partner that I love, my children see what a relationship between man and woman can actually be like (warm and tender). This is way better than the bad marriage that I’ve had before. And now one of my main goals is to help my children grow and understand themselves well enough, before they would want to marry another person themselves.

Love is for teenagers. Responsibility is for adult. Be a responsible adult, be a responsible parent.

Divorce hurts children all throughout their lives. Divorce mandates them to have separate family functions, not only with their own families, but with their families down through the generations.

Clean your room, then get married.

JP playing with his wedding ring 😁

I was in a 2 year relationship with a woman that had 2 kids. At the start I didn't like kids, not just her kids but children in general; by the end of the relationship which is now over, I loved spending time with the kids; they were silly and fun and maybe little jerks sometimes but I couldn't enjoy any time spent with their mother. It felt odd because they weren't even my children. It is strange how things play out sometimes.

I'm surprised he didn't pull out the statistics for sex abuse rates as well. The chances of sex abuse skyrockets when non-biological parents enter the home.

On that cheerful note... Class Dismissed

If you are thinking of divorce, do this little exercise first. Look at your kids and try to guess which kid will commit suicide, which will become a drug addict, which one will develop a seething hatred for you. I am 45 and am just starting to discover the effect divorce has had on my life. 1978 was when my parents divorced. I am starting to have strange nightmares about the divorce, my partner at work is going through a divorce and I had a severe anxiety attack when I heard about it. So many things that I could not figure out why, why so terrified of abandonment, why trying to fix everything, why deep resentment towards my dad... so many damned things! I especially see what was lost in my parents divorce. All the time of just having your parents just there, nothing special, just together. I never learned how to work things out in a relationship, never got to see mom and dad struggle through all the stuff my kids have seen my wife and I struggle through...so much damned loss. Oh, and my brother committed suicide almost 10 years ago... he was so bitter at my dad. He actually calculated how much time he missed out on with my dad and then sent my dad a bill. No kidding. And my dad was a pretty nice dad... just off doing his own life after the divorce. My brother’s hatred just grew and grew towards him. I think my brother committed suicide as a fuck you to my mom and dad. Don’t get divorced.

The price of divorce is insecure children.

My parents have 5 marriages between the two of them. 1000% Dr Peterson speaks the truth. Absolutely.

Being that I'm an adult child of divorce, I see a lot of points on this. Both from my experience and what I have observed of my parents. I'm 47 now. I just had my Dad pass away. There are still issues in my family from my parents' divorce in 1988. And I don't think some of it will ever get resolved. My parents were never at peace with what happens and it was never peaceful.

It sounds like he said, "don't get divorced" but it seems like many heard, "don't get married". lol. Funny.

My parents got divorced when I was 8! I put the exclamation mark there to misguide you into thinking that it was horrible. It was the best decision ever. They didn't really work well together in the organization of the household and friction caused fights. Not too bad ones though because I can't remember a single one. Before they started hating eachother they decided to split up. My brother was quite devastated by I was too young to understand what it was so I didn't give a shit. Luckly, my father and mother got along and so there where never financial issues. My father bought a house less than 1km away from where my mom lived and later my mom moved in with another man that lived literally

I listened to 10 years of 'Loveline' and that gives 1000s of vivid examples of how crucial it is, for kids, to stay together and put everything you can into them.

"Broken homes create broken children who become broken adults who have the tendency to produce broken homes and broken children." - brian padrick drake

Divorce, a permanent solution to a temporary problem all marriages experience at some point. Divorce with children; Jorden's statement "the idea that you can be divorced once you have children is a stupid idea" hit home for me.

What bothers me about these divorce conversations is the lack of discussion about people who legitimately have to escape from physical or mental abuse. The freedom from such harm to oneself and ones offspring is worth more than any amount of money. My daughter has only benefited from my divorce.

Parents getting divorce now, i am older and this seems to be for the best. My Mom has a serious alcohol problem. Dad has been my rock and one of the most emotionally strongest Men I have ever seen. And when she started to verbally abuse myself and my sister he put his foot down and is leaving and taking us with him. Regardless of whatever happens I will always admire how much he loves us.

It's simple, you marry someone you will not have irreconcilable differences with. If you court a potential spouse, and find a difference in view on creed, ideology or progeny, then find another mate to court. Marriage should never be taken lightly.

I'm a wonderful stepmother, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

2:58 You're technically married once you have kids with someone even if it's not recognized by law

One thing you have to take in consideration is a stepparent has no rights. If the mother decides to divorce you - you have no legal rights over those stepchildren and it is heartbreaking. Imagine 0% visitation and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

If you like Dr.Jordan's lectures, as I do. You may want to start exploring Stoic Philosophy

My husband divorced me, he gave me no choice so I'm speaking from experience, these words are all SO TRUE!

I was 7 years old when my parents divorced and it was a living hell. My dad vindictively tried to financially cripple my mom, tried to have her declared insane, and take full custody of me and my older brother purely out of spite because she refused to take him back after his affair. My dad's two older brothers looked at the whole setup and sided with my mom, while my paternal grandmother sided with my dad until her death in 2009, and this led to a family feud that finally ended 21 years later with his passing at the age of 60, and he was the youngest of 3 brothers mind you. The first 3 years after the divorce were the worst for my mom, and even my brother and I felt it, but everything changed when she met the man who became my stepdad. He was a far better dad than my real dad. On the other side of the fence my dad married the woman he had the affair with in the first place and hated her guts because she knew what she did. What further pisses me off is that the courts wouldn't let me and my brother state our cases of which parent we preferred to live with in an actual courtroom with a bailiff to protect us if he lashed out in narcissistic rage. For the record, no my dad never physically abused me and my brother but he was guilty of psychological abuse. Had I known that was a thing I would've thrown him under the bus for that.

Don't put yourself in such low stature that you allow a partner to abuse you. It's better to take a stand for your future sanity and be separate parents than be treated poorly. OBVIOUSLY, do what you can to make it work, but BE realistic. And you can be a good parent from anywhere, just be an honest and reflective person and your relationships can all be productive....unless your partner is horrified of THEIR truth.

Funny how he's fiddling his wedding ring on and off while talking about divorce at 3:30.

I hated life when my family was together, but I hated my life even more after the divorce because when it comes down to it, blood is better than a stranger.

There is indeed a cost. My divorce REALLY damaged my ability to tryst others snd my own judgment and i had to learn a lot to do better in the future... but 8 years into my current marriage I couldn't be happier, but it's not mess free.

brutaly to the point! as always:)))

“Anyways!” Jordan Peterson being the rare adult that drops the truth bomb on young, indoctrinated, idealistic kids. 😁

"I want to hear the argument for divorce." Most of the time there isn't one.

He makes me think twice on getting marriage and have kids.

My ex-step dad used to psychologically abuse me. He became the authoritarian/disciplinarian over my mother who took a back seat to raising me. When I did bad on tests, it was "What's wrong with you? Are you Retar**** whats wrong with your brain? How did you get that wrong" No compassion. No empathy. I wasn't his kid. I didn't "think" like he did. My IQ is higher than his, not that IQ is a great way to measure intelligence. Well, long story short, he ended up cheating on my mother and leaving her and now my mom is more fucked up than I was as a teenager. Don't be a step parent and don't get a step parent for your kids :) This is my Ted Talk. :D

Dr. Peterson has no equal: he combines philosophy, evidence-based science and the insight of compassionate psychological caregiver. He speaks truth in love. (Love is an act of will, not an emotion. To love is to will and act to bring about the highest and best good of another.)

When my wife decided to divorce after 10 years and two children, I never blamed her for changing her mind about me. My complaint is how unfair the laws are to the men. He loses house, children, savings, land, child support and alimony. She gains all of that. Make divorce laws fair to man.

I was glad when my parents got divorced. My mother remarried years ago and is still happy in that marriage. There are good reasons for divorce and as long as the involved people behave in a civilized and friendly manner, I don't see the problem.

This is the truth. How is this guy so smart?

My mom was a crack head stripper so I had 5 stepdads before 10 years old.. They beat me or molested me . I got kicked out at 14 met my wife at 17 got married at 18. My wife had twins before I met her we got married when they were 6 months old so I was always their dad. I never adopted them but they are mine. We have 6 kids and 2 of them are adopted special needs kids. I don’t know how I made it but we did and all our kids are good parents . I can only say my wife is vary special and the best thing in my life. 35 years and we still love each other and she most definitely is my best friend.

That video hit home. Wish my parents would've known this prior to...

Not to mention that statistically speaking, step-parent households are no better than single parent households when it comes to kids growing up well rounded, successful, drug free, and law abiding. (HINT Single mother households are the most common factor in federal inmate's upbringings.) It doesn't take a village. It takes a mom and dad. No two moms replace a dad, or vice versa, either. The devoted, biological parent family is the scientifically proven best situation for kids, and the foundation of every stable society. But recognizing that means something cultural Marxists and social justice warriors don't want to admit; that you have to have bigger priorities than indulging your every sexual urge and getting your rocks off with as many people as possible. Inconsequential sex, though completely unrealistic, is now the opiate of the 21st century masses.

Like he said its not always the case but it does happen often. It takes specific people to make these sort of things work and it takes patience and maturity which is a thing the average person lacks

All the stuff he talked about here is why I'm NOT married; I don't want to deal with DIVORCE. Marriage can be great or it can be bad, but divorce is pretty much always terrible. That doesn't mean it should never happen, but it really messes up your life. What was kind of missing from this conversation was the importance of marriage WITH THE RIGHT PERSON so that the probability of divorce is low. It seems to me that people these days are way to quick to have children with almost random people and don't carefully enough consider the negative consequences of being single parents. Kids do best in a home with two biological parents. As JP would say, the data is clear about that. Be pro marriage, but be selective about who you marry and have children with.

....like the way JP listens to the questions....more a thinker than a talker...wishing only for a worthy dialogue...to share the burdeon and responsibility of the true teacher.stay healthy.do yoga.

What JP is saying is that there's a price to pay when you divorce. Sometimes that price is greater than resolving your differences, sometimes it's less than paying the price of an abusive relationship but these aren't the majority of cases. But ultimately, much of the burden of divorce is put on the children who grow up not knowing what a stable relationship looks like. They carry whatever scars or distorted ideas into their next relationship, and because they don't know what a stable relationship looks like they make a poor decision in choosing a spouse and the cycle continues. Psychologist found that sometimes children look at their parent's marriages and say to themselves, "When I grow up I'll find someone good, I won't make the same mistakes mom and dad have made". In reality despite their desires, they often seek people that give them a sense of familiarity. Nobody reveals themselves to be horrible person in the very beginning of a relationship, and eventually people come to realize they've made a mistake, often when they've already become deeply entangled.

I think that marriage is necessary if you have few sources of pleasure in your life otherwise it has no pint if you're a very talented guy with many hobbies. So just cultivate hobbies and more, run a company etc.

I think too many young people these days simply don't know how to develop a relationship in the first place. And so they end up getting into longterm relationships with people they're not aligned with deep down, only on the surface level. Which are two entirely different things. As time goes by, what truly makes a person tick reveals itself and by then it's too late - you're both married, and kids may already be there, which means you're faced with the choice of a miserable life with someone you're not suited to, or the hell of divorce. There isn't enough deep thought and full, frank openness between many new couples. All they see is someone they can 'have a good time with' and that's it. But life isn't just about the good times; you need to learn about eachother's views on deeper things. I feel strongly that many people bypass this process completely, and later pay the price. It might not be pleasant, or enjoyable, but getting to the very core of somebody is a necessity before getting married.

I just want to know what that drink on the table is.

The "D" word is not allowed in our marriage. We're in this thing for life!

Its not that simple though, even if divorce is a nightmare, what do you call a living hell two people hating each other have to endure to stay together for the kids

my opinion, far to many people get married far too soon far before they are ready. Most people dont marry into love, not at all. Thats where Peterson is right in that being forced to stay together you can really learn to appreciate the other persons qualities and you learn about your own negative ones. Most people dont have the self discipline or dont see the practicality in staying with someone they dont like. If your in a really toxic relationship, well you should have figured that out before you got married. Im not taking in cases where the other person was hiding something, but where you have not sorted out your feelings and motivations and why you really like someone. Infatuation is almost as powerful an emotion as love, so you have to spend enormous amounts of time thinking about it. my parents got divorced, my mom had... 4 marriages? ive actually lost count I try to forget it. But I know first hand the consequences of someone entering in a permanent relationship without being prepared for it. They just expect it to go well and thats why they are there in the first place.

I used to think I have a loving and happy family. Now at almost 25 I feel like everything I believed and imagine for my future is a lie and full of flaws. It makes me depressed I can deal with that but it also makes me alone cause I don’t trust anyone anymore.

So glad that I found this man.

Divorce is just bloodlessly sacrificing your child.

And his daughter just posted that she is getting a divorce, how ironic..........

Jordan Peterson's lectures ought to carry a health warning, like cigarettes. If you're young, and you're even a little bit predisposed toward pessimism, he could make you seriously depressed about your future.

‘Roughly equivalent to non fatal cancer’ wow

Logically speaking he is right however he leaves out abusive marriages where one is abused.

"Every second you spend with that child is a second you don't spend with me." :( I like spending time with Jordan...

This man is such a goldmine of knowledge.

Quite worrying about how he thinks EVERYthing is devastating. Some divorces are amicable and the kids are ok, why does he not acknowledge this more?

I'm 30 years into my wife sentence. I could have divorced many years ago, I suppose, but then I wouldn't have learned first-hand the depths of loneliness that is achieved after 30 years of accumulated rejection, neglect and frustration. It's been like a long-term antisocial experiment. Those are valuable insights, which would have only ever been easily-dismissed theories if not for walking that road one bloody footstep at a time. So yeah, a dead marriage can teach a man a number of next-level life lessons, including pure undiluted gallows humor...

Damn, those are some tough truths.

Definitely takes a special person to truly love thier step children. My xwife was terrible to my son. Ultimately why I left her. Ashamed to say it took me 5 yrs to do so. I'll never make that mistake again

The biggest thing I learned is don't get married just to get married get married because you love the person and you can't live without them. Know who they are and Know Who You Are, Take your time while courting. Be honest with yourself and be honest with them. When you're not honest with someone you take the ball out of of their court. Hugs!

Great video!

Every woman I know left their marriage because they were being abused or cheated on and that definitely no good for kids either. He is right you are still bound to the person so you should try to work through things, but abusive people and cheaters are what they are. You cannot change them and staying with them will destroy the family anyway so while I normally agree with him I am not sure where he is going with this. Perhaps he needs to delve into domestic violence issues more

I thought knew everything about divorce when I was married too. Turns out experiential knowledge is a completely different understanding. I didn't choose divorce, but I ended up raising 4 kids on my own anyway. It was hard, but I would not 'unchoose' it. I've grown in ways I wouldn't have otherwise and my kids are so much better off.

Hmm, I am very skeptical about marriage, but once you DID marry, boah, don't make the lawyers etc rich, think about what you have, let go of the distracting illusions..! It was NEVER going to be all fun and games. And whether you are married or not, you will always have lots of opportunities to do stupid things, to make it worse! I know quite a few nice people who are married, and when I am asked I always tell them "you NEVER know what you have, until you lose it". It is only human. You might expect whatever..... There are so many illusions out there, probably more than ever! But especially for those people, who HAD started their own family and now have responsibility for their kids..... Come on, make it GOOD! Make the best of it! You are not in the position of looking around any more! You HAVE something going, already! And it is NOT a bad thing, until you mess it up, so you better keep an eye on it!

My mother separated herself from my father when I was 5. They never divorced. The only thing I wanted now that I'm almost 40 is for my father to have been happier. I respect him a lot now that I'm married and have kids of my own. You don't want to be around women and their kids. I was so happy when I moved out at 18 and started living in my own. Now I'm married with a "professional mom" who licks every step the kid makes and complains all the time that no one else is doing any licking of the baby.

It's funny how he keeps putting on and off his wedding ring while answering this particular question. :)

Dude is always the voice of reason.

marriage is like a investment. if you invest it in wrong person of course it wont pay off. its all about what you getting and what you receiving. its about worth giving or receiving. its better staying single and keep your options open rather than work for something that is not worth doing.

You known when Peterson goes into sage mode the moment he stops in the middle of a sentence, restarts and starts playing with his wedding ring! (A true sign of a master at human thought)👌😚. 2:35

I thought about it once but was surprised at how little I really cared about the kid in question. Shaping your life around them is so radically different to "being nice" it's a wonder anyone ever mistakes the two. Also, because I knew the more I did the less some other guy was having to do. And for what exactly? Having to wait until you are old for the "alone time" someone else got when she was young? But I won't want "alone time" with an old person. No, the older we get the less excuses we are willing to put up with. No one had died in a war or famine. It was all choice.

JP wearing boots?! He's expanding the limits of badassery.

He's speaking about the self sacrifice Christ archetype without reallysaying it

Finding a suitable mate isn't easy, even in the best of times. You could be in love with that special someone but not like them very much. You may find them irritating as time marches on in your relationship, then you begin to realize there's very little common ground, by which time you may have made a substantial emotional and financial investment. Find out as much about each other as possible and avoid becoming too intimate early in the relationship. Then weigh the pros and cons for continuing the relationship or even taking the marital plunge. Generally, a solid and amicable relationship is built on common ground with a strong foundation. Ultimately, long term gain outweighs short term ecstasy!

Does anyone know how the Canadian law in the family courts will treat a divorce if one party is requesting the divorce and the other party doesn't want the divorce? For example, if a woman is trying to divorce the man, and let's say her reason is "she fell out of love with him". If this man does not want to get a divorce, will he still be potentially ordered to pay child support, alimony, etc?

My parents never got married. Now they're separated, they still go to the pub together with their respective partners. Sure it's a bit awkward sometimes, but I would never say that I'm worse off now they're not together. It was good for them, and therefore it's good for me... maybe we just shouldn't be getting married? Without that legal contract, separating can be so much simpler, and much less of a contest.

Pur an end to no-fault divorce

3:19 Truth, from experience.

I am a step parent. Biological mom I believe is a narcissist. I believe my step child feels free and accepted at our home but feels the pain of not being part of being fully apart of his new siblings life. I, as the step mom who loves her step child like her own. Protects him from her own family who clearly shows her biological child more respect and attention and love than her other child. This results in them seeing their biological great grandchildren less because I understand the feelings of the half child feels. Also, I don’t feel like they deserve me either because if they don’t see the time and effort I put into my family and accept the step child then it is against my morals. I don’t feel like spending time with people who don’t respect my family worthy of having our love.