The hard part about boundaries is being ok with upsetting people.

Setting boundaries is respecting yourself, valuing yourself and putting yourself first. It's simply loving yourself :)

When I look back at my life, the pain I have had is because I did not set good/healthy boundaries for myself. Living and learning.

strong boundaries made my life happier and more organized.

I set a boundary, and my husband crossed it many times... and then when I withdrew myself from the relationship, everyone lost their shit, him, my family, his family, my friends... it really woke me up to how unhealthy everyone around me is, and how I've been blind to their problematic thinking and behavior. I've discovered how it is absolutely ridiculous that people want a relationship with me but then expect me to be ok with them trampling all over me. The past few years dealing with all of this has turned me into what some people would call a bitch... but oh well. I'm much happier, and I am treating myself much better than I ever did before. I am finally showing myself as much respect and care as I give others. I still believe in altruism and compromise and empathy, but when it comes to sacrificing my core values, my health and things that are the most important to me, there is very little negotiating anymore.

“We don’t have to make their thoughts our thoughts.” We have to decide what we want to feel.

Beautiful! Without boundaries, we are allowing others to decide the direction our lives will turn in. It is never selfish to love yourself enough to respect your own decisions and feelings. ♥️

My Dad. He’s 80. I love him. I decided to set boundaries. He loves me too and he understands. 🤓

I used to even stay in an unpleasant conversations with strangers, becasue i was raised to "respect" other people and my self respect was totally removed in childhood. I'm so glad for such a good upbringing. ;-)

The universe kept putting the word boundaries in my face. So here I am. I needed this. Thank you.

I think it comes down to the Dr. Phil line; We teach people how to treat us. Good video, as usual!

I had to end my marriage due to constant boundary violations. (2010) Since then, the topic of boundaries has been a personal interest of mine. Love reading about it, love hearing about it, love talking about it.

I love how vulnerable you allow yourself to be Julia. Sharing your stories with us.

I’ve only recently been aware that boundaries are a thing. I wasn’t sure how to go about this thing called “boundaries”. Thank you for this video! It helps in so many aspects of my life, not just family.

I like the idea that boundaries are not a requirement of the other person, but instead what you choose to do yourself.

This is perfect timing. I just finished reading an article on where codependency comes from. I was looking into why I fell into that pattern, and now I’m more clear about it. My boundaries were always violated as a teenager, and now I’m really doing my best to learn how to enforce them without feeling guilty. Thank you. 💗

I know a large number of people who are narcissistic. They want things their way and when I set boundaries I get abruptly rejected. It's hard to deal with but I am taking it and moving forward. I have to admit it really stings.

Man this lady is a god I'm feeling much better now cause I was stressed out somewhat and now it has disappear I'm telling you your good

I set a boundary just today with a coworker by removing myself from the conversation. It felt empowering that I didn't need to fix her or correct her. I stayed happy afterward. I could tell she didn't like it but that's not my problem. Thanks for this video.

Trusting myself is difficult and when you stated the fear of saying no, people pleasing at all cost for me has been my patterns. Abandonment, not liking me, ...trusting myself enough to give myself GOOD CARE and realizing I'm worth it and deserve it. Thank you so much. I've just starting listening to your videos these past few days. I can't get enough and I know it was God's divine intervention that I stumbled upon your videos. Deeply grateful for your insights.

Thank you Julia! I've struggled with saying no to people for years. I've struggle with feeling like it's wrong a lot of the time to say no and saying yes is so automatic for me and I always feel like I have to give into others because I feel they're not going to do things any other way than their own. I'm a person who will give 120% if someone will give me just 10 but a lot of times I feel taken advantage of. Of course that is frustrating. It's like a programmed way of thinking for I guess. Well again, thank you so much Julia. It is truly a blessing to have found you on KZfaq! I think what you do is so selfless and giving and so thank you again. God bless!

I also recommend Henry Cloud and John Townsend's books about boundaries! They helped me a LOT

I started boundaries with my husband and his family. Changed my life. And I honestly don’t care what they think about them. Not one give do I think. They have passive aggressive tendencies and once I realized it was a game changer for me.

Wow that fear of saying NO, this is so true, it is what's making frustrations grow over proportions sometimes.

WOW 😮 WOW 😮 WOW 😮!!!! Boy do I need to learn THIS!

Healthy boundary = you do what you like, and I’ll do what is best for me. I find it interesting that those who regularly break their own rules, accuse me of doing the same when I am not. They can root for what they want, and I’ll root for & believe for that which is a blessing to me rather than a hindrance. I don’t push my beliefs onto others; those who feel the need to be oppositional and demand others adopt their viewpoint have already lost. Can’t believe some can’t just be happy with who & what they have in life.

Part of good Mental Health is! setting good boundaries.

Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.

I’ve been so bad at setting boundaries in the past that I’ve had to research what the common boundaries people are re-enforcing! But as I got to love myself more the boundaries came naturally! Self love = Strong boundaries ✨

Wow, you present your material so excellently. No fluff, no filler, very succinct and cogent. Very impressive.

Thank you for sharing this video. I’m healing from my former bosses taking away my ability of boundaries within their company. I quit my job with them. I’m now in the process of healing from the damage I allowed to happen. It was not just them that caused the damage, it was myself to for letting go on for as long as I did. The day I quit, by the afternoon of that day I had a awesome job offer.

Setting those boundaries does come with some grief work usually: In my particular community we get that often. I'd love to see my fellow men going their own way talk in more general terms from time to time about this; you describe our experience of setting boundaries perfectly. There seems to be a connection between people with low Machiavellian traits and issues with boundaries. It takes time and some pretty nasty experiences but they seem to learn eventually, it's really wonderful how good people eventually chase health... keep helping us all find it Julia, you do good work.

I love the concept about people being allowed to ask, if we feel OK about saying no, when we need to xxx

I watch these videos over and over about once every 3 months. It takes awhile to stick or something? I use the tips for work relationships in a 'people job' most often, a little for family and friend relationships and I can testify, a small, clear, confident change in me feels like a bomb when I use the tools. I hope it's a bomb for the better! So far, so good. But now I can see myself and my feelings and I feel an equal partner because I'm sticking up for me. It feels good to matter with everyone, not just the ones who give respect, the bullies too.

My counselees/clients need to hear this. I love your content. You're helping me update my knowledge with counseling/therapy. From a school counselor in the Philippines ❤

Boundaries seem to be coming up a lot lately. Not for me, but for the friends and family surrounding me. It’s a theme right now!

Now is clear to me all about boundaries. Have a Happy Day.

New beliefs and better choices ahead. Yes, thank you 🙏🏻 for explaining what a boundary is. I keep wanting to change the behaviors and thoughts of the people I am in a relationship with. I was applying the wrong things not boundaries. I feel ashamed for acting on a false belief, and hope to stick with new boundaries in my current situation.

Julia the reason I have not been visiting as frequently as I used to is because I have started a Facebook page.That page deals with Emergency Preparedness and Survival. Recently I did a post that may show an example of how to set boundaries. On my page I express lessons learned while living off grid. Here’s one of those lessons. One evening around 7 pm I was sitting on my couch and around that time in the country the mosquitoes start to get a little busy and that means they are on a feeding frenzy and I was their favourite meal ticket. During one of one of my more productive maturational growth experiences just after I swatted a mosquito sitting on my arm and killed it I sat there and looked at it. Again I said that this was one of my better lessons learned. As I looked at the mosquito I realized that I didn’t teach it a single thing. Not only did I not teach that mosquito anything I failed to teach any other of the many mosquitoes flying around me a single thing. And when I thought of all the mosquitoes still outside I realized that changing the eating habits of mosquitoes was pointless and that I had to learn how to stay out of the reach of the mosquitoes. So I closed the doors and windows to my cabin so they couldn’t cross my boundaries Lol. It’s a true story Lol. I hope you find this story as amusing and helpful as many of my Facebook audience has. Take care

Love it! It was a good surprise to me, I think I'm doing better than I thought in this subject. I naturally tend to remove myself from the situations I don't like if the other person involved is trespassing my boundaries and doesn't agree with my requests. But part of me kind of feels guilty about doing so, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or being rude if I keep my distance, but it's nice to know it's perfectly okay, and you're right, they can do what they prefer, so do I. That's it. No more guilt about it!

Wow! Great video. Love and need this so much. As you explained what a true boundary is, I had this infinity. Toxic people in my life twisted my boundary setting as I was trying to manipulate them. Mind blown. I'm not the one in the wrong.

Great video on boundaries Julia. I have definitely experienced family members pushing me away because of my boundaries around diet, religion, lifestyle, communication etc. Boundary setting often brings up fears that a need will no longer be met. For example, my friend wanted to stop having wine with dinner to improve her health and her partner became upset because she was ruining all the fun. Another example is a need for a lot of time with a partner but the other partner needs a lot of space, which results in one person not getting the closeness they need.

Thank you Julia, very informative, my partner is in AA so was great knowing how to set boundaries, can be very stressful living with a alcohol in sobriety. 😊

This is the first video of yours I've watched and it hit so close to home! I am a teacher and I get upset when students ask me questions that I have to say no to. I have clear policies in my syllabus but often don't stick to them because I second guess myself and such, but then I get so burned out and it's because I haven't stuck to my (very reasonable) policies. I get defensive, then, when students try to force a request despite the policy in place. Knowing and owning my boundaries is a real struggle for me but this helps. I shall start giving myself permission to say no today! Thank you!

I’ve been working on setting boundaries for myself for almost exactly a year now - I’m so happy with my progress and am so grateful for your help. I recently found out that someone in my life was overly curious about what I am up to so they did extensive research on my social media and with the help of google, they found out where I work instead of simply just asking me. For background, when they asked me while I was job searching, I told them I was “figuring it out” and they took that as me snapping at them. I am fully aware that I cannot change the way that they are; however, they are one of the most toxic people in my life and I plan to have a conversation with them about my boundaries. I’m trying to do as much research as I can so that I can approach them with as much light and empathy as possible; I do look forward to being more direct and being firm about my rules. WISH ME LUCK!

I love listening to you! So much I have learned and used. Challenges with a second marriage and it’s issues with adult husbands son and wife.

I discovered your channel about 9 months ago! I am so grateful because I’ve learned a lot. After fining your channel I began working on myself more intently by investing in therapy weekly and seeking out my own spiritual guidance. Thank you for your good work! ♥️

I can vouch for just how much it helps to have strong boundaries!! Earlier this year, I struggled to establish health boundaries, and it ended up causing friction in some of my friendships. I'm really glad you uploaded this video, and hope you are having an amazing day!

Thank you!! This helped me so much in light of my work situation. I completely left myself and trottet all over my own boundries for a bit. I'll keep myself in check. Ty. ❤️❤️

Thank you, I learned new perspectives on boundaries and it's very a liberating and feel myself love,happiness more.

This is so much more difficult when the person(s) are coworkers or managers. And what they say impacts they way others perceive you and the work you do.

Hi I'm from Norway, I find your videos extremely helpful! Forever grateful

Hi Julia, just wanted to say your videos & your lessons on boundaries have changed my life. I don't have health insurance right now (temporarily, hopefully), so I haven't been able to talk to a therapist for a while. Your videos have been excellent therapy and I appreciate you. Thank you!

I have a better understanding of boundaries and now will spend some time being clearer with myself on some boundaries. I've been struggling lately in some particular areas of life and I realize that it's because I haven't been clear with myself on my boundaries.

My dad used to cook way too much food and then left them in the cookware. And the food was terrible for others to eat but he might like it. I told him if he decided to cook something he want, just cook the amount he can finish. I'm not going to eat the leftovers. After he ignored my request 2-3 times, I dumped all the food he made. When he asked, I told him I dumped them all. He was upset about it. It was hard to see him upset but I held my empathy and said, I told you I'm not going to eat the leftovers. If you don't like a waste of food, cook the amount you can finish. He then never did it again.

This video has given me the most clarity on boundaries. Thank you for posting this.

I have only seen 2 of these video's and I like what you have to share. I was in a relationship for the past 11 yrs with a narcissist and a bi-polar individual. It was always about her and what I can do for her. As you know, being the HSP and a Virgo I am, I had a hard time saying NO!! Cuz I wanted to please her in all aspects of life. After the 11 yrs, I finally said enough is enough and walked out on her. I went 2700 miles away to find myself and the person I used to be. I am so happy that I have made the choice to leave. She had left a huge hole in my heart, mind and soul. I'm currently working with a medium on a very deep level to reverse and take away those negative energies she left on me, and never once did she say THANK YOU, for anything I have done for her. Well, im on the road to recovery to my old self again. Things have been so clear to me, now that I'm away. Be humble, modest, honest and loving. Thanks y'all for the great video!!!

I've been on either side of being alienated by not setting my boundaries and trampling over another's boundary and I had no idea. Thank you for this knowledge.

Love your videos. Thank you for this video. Had a situation with my ex/wife where setting a boundary was needed, and this is so relevant to that event. Thanks again.

I wish I would have learned about boundaries 20 years ago

I saw another video that you did on boundaries and shared it with my friend whom needs to be introduced to this concept of healthy relationships, it’s given me a reboots and I need the continuing remainders, love you how teach and also build yourself up at the same time .❤️ Spread peace and happiness 🙏

Hi Julia, I just saw your video. I must say it was very informative and helpful . My name is Sudha and I am from Malaysia . I was waiting for this topic. Thank you. Pls continue to make videos like this.

Thank you! I love your videos! I’ve watched several self help videos, and yours are the best!

It's hard when we set up boundaries to see them as a line of defense and a guide for preparation for self care and reflection. Boundaries are created when we have a sure sign on what it is we want out of life and what we are willing to do and even compromise to make that happen. A strong healthy support system is key, when there is opposition it can be healthy but there needs to be similarities and likeness to give reassuring comfort and verification. Respect and mutuality comes when you have healthy boundaries set in place, with yourself first then branching out to a community based environment so to speak. When people test those boundaries it is because they are losing control or seeing if they still "have it".

I like this one. I think I was even getting boundaries a little confused by the terminology. But I get confused pretty easy. And I really like that you kept stressing that if you assume boundaries are manipulation / control / punishment that it's not going to work out too well for you.

Hi, Julia! João from Brazil here :) I decided to drop a line just to let you know that I was mind blown by this video of yours, you helped me see a bunch of things I was doing wrong. Thank you and keep up this amazing job!

Had a recent irritating situation come up at work. It’s nice to get a refresher counseling session on boundaries while walking the dog.

Thank you for point out the difference between making a request and actually setting a boundary in action. That make a lot sense.

Finally had to do this with my daughters mom. She has tried walking all over me tried to manipulate me into getting her way and i would walk on eggshells with her but i finally set boundaries with her for what she can and cant do around me or say to me and if she does she wont get a response out of me. Its worked so far.

This video came into my life at the most divine timing. Thankyou for spreading your wisdom & sharing!

I fear making boundaries because I don't want to upset anyone around me. When you say about being in the Downtown Eastside, or DTES (yes, I live in the lower mainland) I can relate to someone in my life who tends to overworry and overthink things, which make me feel discouraged doing what really makes me happy. I fear if I say, "I know you are feeling really worried about me but I know what I am doing and this is what I really want to do. I don't want to talk about this now," then they will treat me differently and since they are someone in my life it is way more difficult than a classmate. I am going to try this more and accept who they are and know that it is their choice to be thinking this way

I'm getting married in one week. it's my second marriage. He has OCD, Anxiety and Depression. And I take so much on and I'm scared that I'll be unhappy if I don't set clear boundaries. I really need to work hard at this. I can't go through another divorce. I habe alot of work to do.

I'm 56 years old. I have never set boundaries in my life. I was raised to do everything for everyone else, but get nothing back in return. I decided enough is enough. I'm done. The first time I put my foot down about something, I have found out how little the people in my life think about me. I'm done. They all need to find themselves someone else to crap on. I. Am. Done.

Hi Julia I find the term of “manage your own mind” very empowering!

Oh gosh this has released me from the belief that unless I point out every single potential danger to my kids, that I will be responsible for anything going wrong for them. It has alienated them and hurt them. I didn't want to carry it anyway. It was killing me too. I'm going to tell them it is over. I have done it to everyone around me. But first with those that count most to me. My children. Thanks!

Julia, Boundaries are negotiated so they should be a respectful balance of needs and wants between people. When someone has needs or wants that are non-negotiable that is not a boundary, that is a personal rule or personal edict, and that's perfectly fine to have. Either the person follows your rules or the person does not. Even in your example, you made the point to show that boundaries are negotiated when you said that you can request that things be different (push-back) but that ultimately it is up to the other person to accept it or not. In your example about your father, you did not set a boundary with your father, you declared a non-negotiable edict. The difference here is very important because knowing upfront that you were giving an edict rather than a boundary would have sent a clear message to your father that your needs and wants were non-negotiable. As a side note, declaring an edict when your dad was clearly in the throes of anxiety about your safety was not the best choice. Negotiation can never be had with someone who is in the throes of anxiety. On another side note, manipulation may or may not be a form of malignant control. All control is not malignant; the situation dictates whether is or is not. I'm struggling with what you mean by needs and wants and how it relates to co-dependency. If a person is negotiating boundaries then it is assumed that the other person has equal power. Co-dependency is an imbalanced relationship with someone who is in the throes of substance abuse. If two people have the same power then one is not responsible for the care of another. If, however, there is some kind of legal relationship between the people, alleging that a person is a co-dependent simply because they have been made to rely on the other person is not co-dependency. In co-dependency power is very important.

This is such an easy concept when you approach it with love just like with everything else. Realize everyone experiences their own realities. Their perception is their reality, there are 2 sides to every story and who are WE to tell them their reality is wrong? We have 2 completely different timelines with millions of people experiencing 2 different realities. Those timelines will soon be merging. It will be breathtaking.

This video has been life changing for me❤❤ ....I feel very free now and I am hopeful that things are going to get better for me especially In my mind because i have experienced the problem of not having clear boundaries and I have seen its huge effects on my choices and happiness.....I would like to request you keep making videos like these especially in the family level since it's the most challenging area to set firm boundaries....thank you so much Julia Kristina ❤

Hello again 😃. Thank-you for this. Love the idea of a workshop Love the simplicity and how specific you are about what a boundary is NOT. Request vs boundary = huge!

Thank you so much for reframing the idea of a boundary. Very helpful!

I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want. I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?

it's becoming easier to set boundaries but it's a continuous muscle to keep building. Sometimes when things are good we think we can drop the boundary.. but the cycle start over again is more frustrating than before because it feels like we are back at square 1. Establishing boundaries is self-empowering. It's my life - I decide.

This is what i need to hear the most today.im having doorslam moment right now.thank you.i feel better.

Thank you for uploading this video. I had a huge misconception about what boundaries were and today I learned what they are NOT and what a boundary means... My boundaries suck but I know now how to build them the right way. Thank you again

Tuning in from Nebraska 😘I absolutely glean sooooo much from your clear, concisely worded wisdom. THANK YOU! The care, concern and advice is phenomenal and life changing to allow peace to thrive. I appreciate you!!!!!

Thank you Julia You are a inspiration! Thank you for your gift that you give to all who listen to your messages. God Bless you and your family!

It is always beneficial to know who/what you are dealing with. Some people cannot change. You will pay a price if you try. ie. a homeless friend died in the park last year. The park was his home--- he set firm boundaries. He drank himself to death. He would not accept advice about it.

Around 12:50 it was valuable for me to understand where and how to distinguish between need dissatisfaction and a boundary. Important to know when expectations are disappointed as opposed to setting a boundary and reclaiming agency. Am I accurately understanding that you assert a boundary is the if/then schema that gets set up as a way to take ownership of reasonable need dissatisfaction? For example: "IF [my reasonable relationship expectation (affection, kindness, respect, love)] is not being met/satisfied/negotiated, THEN I [do something to take ownership of that need back from the relationship dynamic]."

Hi! I’m so happy to have found you and look forward to learning from you .

My boundaries conjunct and affiliate with my way of life & beliefs, therefore it occurs I must neglect self at times so that I can be compatible with this modern worldly structure and with those conformed & condemned to and by it within and of itself. Our society is structured & compartmentalized via personality type and the pysche of a person/group and so i find myself without having a political figure that I can say represents me. I find my self surrounded by people all wearing spiritual masks, afraid to be open & true to self, and nor are they even like minded as i. People today when approaching a cross walk, awaiting a light to give them permission to cross, look not in either opposing of direction to look out for themselves, and so I question if they would even look out for me in a situation. I think it's not boundaries we need to put up at this time, rather the boundaries that we need to first recognize & step out of that have condemned us in a subconscious like pattern. If I build boundaries on a individual level at this time, for me it causes separation, alienation & isolation and that comes with it owns turmoil. Therefor having to put myself first, and seeming unapproachable, narc like, whereas I'm a person whos very naked in belief and in who I am, and it seems to be a damned if I do damned if I dont type of situation.

Thank you so much for your teachings...very inspiring to myself

Thank you Julia! I really liked the example of the gal who was renting from you. I definitely get it nation point it’s true I get upset because I have to come up with a plan or a spiel to tell them why I need to say now or I end up saying yes.! I learned a lot from this little clip

This video made me happy and sad because I started taking medicines since I was young which made me gain weight due to various medicines. Every time when my relatives see me they always go"oh you have gained weight" which made me feel ashamed of myself and the medical condition I had. Those comments impacted me a lot they do even today.

Yes empowering for sure i notice ive been trying to do this all the time but things always get off wrongly and turn into an argument im happy for this video thank you so much bcz im living with so many negative family members

Thank you for your efforts to bring enlightenment to those that are starving for mental health techniques that will bring empowerment to our lives.

I’m an empath and recently started setting boundaries I have a good friend that told me I’ve become distant. And I know it’s because I’ve made choices she didn’t like and I don’t feel guilty I take responsibility for my choices and I can’t control her feelings, emotions

I am happy to have found your channel. Lots of great material here.

Thanks for separating the boundaries

“They are not being rude, they’re not being entitled, they’re just asking... our rules are just different than their rules” this is only true in the context of healthy, non-abusive relationships. There ARE abusive individuals who will be entitled and ask for things, fully aware that it will make you uncomfortable and that it’s an unreasonable request, but continue to ask because they don’t value your boundaries. I think that should be included as an important disclaimer for ppl who aren’t able to make the distinction between miscommunication & boundaries, vs abuse & intentional boundary crossing

Thank you Julia , since applying your wisdom and advice in my daily life has made a big difference for everyone around me. Really appreciate your work and cannot wait to participate in your workshop