Um, it’s more about being understood. And the frustration that comes in, when someone gets you wrong. It’s not defensive to clarify.

I feel better seeing this. I realize I'm a good person, but I get angry when I feel someone is projecting the worst onto me. Today I recommended teaching interns how to do a task that would be simple, but complicated enough to challenge them. In front of our director, my manager said "You are always trying to get out of doing work". I felt defensive but convicted and replied "It would be a good entry level project for interns, and we could move on to more advanced work." I felt horrible, and kind of still do. Like I said something bad to my manager...but now I realize HE said something bad to me in front of our director, by being sarcastically devaluing about my work ethic. I was honest, and perhaps noticeably upset, but I didn't say anything sarcastic or negative to my manager.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Yes

Me too!! It's a great reminder to not get defensive when I feel attacked by people who genuinely want what's best for me

These are great with folks that engage "auto-disagree". Messes them up big time!!

@@Rob9mm I think that might work well with a difficult childhood friend, whom I've been trying to decide if I want to reach out to again lately. Haven't decided if I want to try yet, but if I do, she's very much of the "auto-disagree" style, so an unexpected agreement just might win me a respite from her knee-jerk criticism now and then!

I need to remind myself of this. Great wording!❤

Terrible book. Nothing but new age LOA Pseudo science. Written to be a money grab and take advantage of people.

@@joshjamesgibson Absolutely, if you can the best you can do is get out but there are situations where that is not an option. I get that even in those scenarios you can reduce engaging to the minimum but continuing exposure would not be good. That is why responsability is not only individual but collective as well

Nia, I very much identify with everything you've said here. Thank you for bringing up the scene from Moxie, I haven't heard of that movie before, and I think I'll check it out. I very much share the attitude of the girl who doesn't like the idea of putting her head down and keeping quiet until the bully finds another target. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. Like you, I've spent much of my life in abusive environments. I struggle often with what to do when assertiveness and the other healthy coping mechanisms I've learned in therapy don't help me de-escalate a difficult situation. I particularly struggle with my ex, who has recently admitted to me that she not infrequently becomes upset about something that has nothing whatsoever to do with me, then projects her bad mood onto me and lashes out with criticisms and accusations over things I haven't said or done. No matter how calm or reasonable I try to stay, she is relentlessly mean to me until her mood changes. It's frightening and she invariably hurts my feelings very badly. I'm sorry you struggle with difficult and abusive people too. It's so hard to know whether to speak up or stay quiet when you're being harmed by someone you love and who claims to love you. I think it might be one of the most difficult things in the world to try to deal with.

@@poison_plays Thank you for your kindness and understanding and also for opening up and sharing your story with me and others who I am sure going to feel less alone knowing someone else understands and that these situations happen, that it is not because of them. Without acknowledgement of all the factors involved we tend to internalize the message that is being forced on to us: that it is all our fault. We also receive the same message when the only approach is tools you can use without any other change in the environment. On the surface they seem empowering, who doesn't like the idea that everything is in their control ? That if they only do the right thing or use the healthy tool they can fix everything? It seems empowering but it actually gives you the idea that if you are unable to change it, it is your failure, your fault. After receiving the same message by the abusers, this definitely doesn't help. How we treat ourselves and how we relate to others is our responsibility in the sense that nobody can do it for us. But we are not responsible for how others treat us or the systems that enable abuse. We are responsible for stop believing the abusive narrative and using the new tools , for doing our part. But you can't fix something that is not of your making, not yours to fix. You can't fix someone else's bad behavior. The reality of the environment must be addressed. With loved ones is so hard. Just like you said. Love should not harm. Pain is inevitable but abuse should not be. I am so sorry you understand you well. You never deserved any of it. I deeply appreciate the person you have built despite cruelty. I sincerely hope life brings to you everything that you always deserved. You are going to love the movie 😘

Being a teacher is a daily trigger chamber. Hats off to you!❤

Boy do I appreciate this comment. I'll try it out.

😂 Love this. A lot.

It almost sounds like you could write a great handbook for how to be a narcissistic abuser, and totally get away with it… You must be smarter than everyone else! I’ll bet you have a lot of really deep, meaningful relationships too… 😂

Yes she is awesome!!!😊

So often it's the language we use that does half the damage. Getting curious is always the best approach. If you're someone who gets triggered easily and becomes defensive, then look at those who brought you up and you'll notice that they rarely or never approached with curiosity. They approached situations with an attitude that would judge and label people and situations before they've even investigated and discussed the event, and they always always always jump to conclusions. It makes you wonder why they just launched their third degree interrogation at you suddenly and insisted on asking you every difficult and triggering question like an election journalist grilling a politician, if all they were gonna conclude with was "oh yeah, you're just lazy etc!".

Especially if they're lying and trying to attack your character

Thank you so much for that teaching!!! Oh so helpful.. grateful FOR you ❤❤❤

I was the smallest girl in a school of 800 kids at high school,only 4ft,4 Stone. I'm 5'.3" now & shortest in family. I've been called a midget & realised it's all relative.... but when I'm around tall people I feel like a midget,lol. I often say they are giants,no offence ever meant.I was always scared of taller people. I totally understand that "big boy" may trigger u but unless people know your history it is not meant to be insulting. I would gladly take some of your height.